I am…
I am…
I am a woman.
I am a believer of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I am a mother.
I am the wife of a man bound by the lie of porn.
I am embracing the freedom that Christ offers in the midst of the storm.
I am not…
I am not a counselor.
I am not super-human or super spiritual.
I am not without sin of my own.
I am not better than my spouse.
I am not alone even though I am alone.
It is my desire to be transparent as I write this blog. However; I must make you aware right now before I start that not everything I share is my personal experience with my spouse. My husband has given me permission to share my story/our story even though there is not a ‘happy ending’ at this point in the journey but that being said, I still do not believe it is my right to uncover him or disclose some of the most private details of his/our struggle. In order for you to know full well that you are not alone, that you are not losing your mind and that the roller-coaster is part of the life that comes with the sex addict, I have decided to take bits and pieces of my story and bits and pieces of the stories of others I have met along the way. I am doing this in an effort to help you and others in the same way that God has helped me (2 Cor. 1:3-4). I am not doing this to smear my spouse or because I am resentful towards him and want to cause him further pain or because I feel the need to rehash it. This is something I will live with the rest of my life because it has been a part of my life and has shaped my life. How I use it now is my service to God. I can sit in self pity and bathe in the pain or I can be cleansed and transformed by the Lord and choose His way to move forward. I choose Him.
If you are here because your spouse is involved in some sort of sexual sin and you feel as if no one else around you understands… they probably don’t. But I do and I can point you to others who do. If you are a man whose wife is struggling, the ability for you to connect with others in the same situation will be difficult as this (porn addiction) seems to be predominantly a man’s issue. However; we know the statistics of women involved in pornography, and the numbers are climbing. You are not alone. There is a man who can relate to you better than you know; for He was forsaken by those He loved the most. His name is Jesus. Without Him, I couldn’t climb this mountain.
There is absolutely no way I could live through this and function as a normal person without the peace and sanity that only God can bring (Philippians 4:7) during such chaos and dysfunction. I have learned so much in this journey that the ‘average’ person not facing this issue doesn’t understand. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about others, and I have come to know Jesus more intimately than I ever would have if this issue was not ever-present and causing such constant brokenness (Psalm 34:18).
Do not expect others to get your pain. It took me years to be free from the constant letdown because I knew that they either didn’t understand or worse, thought it was ‘no big deal’. Clearly they didn’t understand the depths because certainly it wasn’t appropriate to tell them. How do you say to your friends and family that your spouse prefers fantasy over you and THAT is why you are separated? How do you handle the looks that say “she (or he) must not like sex- nobody would want an image over the real deal”? How do you explain when your spouse is gone for a weekend that he or she had another affair with porn and you are forced to go without sex and intimacy again until they recuperate and you recover emotionally from their weekend of thrills? America is so desensitized by sex and images that being preoccupied with the bodies of others seems like a ‘normal’ thing that every guy (and some girls) do. Certainly most American’s can’t comprehend that people can become so warped by this thing that they can’t even maintain a checking account, that they float in and out of conversations missing half of what is said because they’re thinking of the next opportunity to sneak away with their secret fantasy. How do you explain that they risk their jobs by sneaking online images on company time and sending those images to company printers so they can take those images to the restroom on lunch hour? When you show up at social/church functions or family gatherings and people know something is wrong, how do you tell them what is really going on?
You don’t (or you shouldn’t) and it’s lousy. Here you are in constant crisis and trauma and it’s not “appropriate” to talk about it. It is as if the offender is constantly covered while you are left out in the open, raw and wounded. It brings so much pain that usually gets bottled up and if you are not careful, it often turns to rancid bitterness.
So…where do you go? What do you do? How do you deal with this thing? What is God asking of you? Can you walk it out with your spouse and not grow weary or bitter? Can you walk away from it and not be in sin yourself for leaving the marriage? Can you change so that they will change? Can you change them? Can you fix it? Can you be Jesus to them? Are you helping or hurting? Encouraging or discouraging? How long is long enough? What does repentance look like? Is any of this your fault? Can your marriage survive this?
Stay tuned…
I'm engaged to a Recovered (recovering indicates a still ongoing process, recovered meaning complete change) sex addict. So as you can see I do understand your hurt and although you may believe you are doing justice to your husband by staying with him, I'm going to tell you that you're NOT. . As long as you are giving him the impression that you are "okay" with his life of sin he will NEVER come to the point in his life where he realizes he HAS to make a choice. After all, making a choice is exactly what GOD ask of us. He can't get to Heaven while he is struggling with a sex addiction. THe Bible is clear on that (Revelation 21:8, Matthew 5:28-30). And by staying in the relationship you are not only hurting yourself, but you are hurting him spiritually. And there IS an instance when divorce is acceptable, ADULTREY(matthew 5:32)... and pornography IS adultrey (Matthew 5:28-30). God never intended for you to have to live in a unhappy, unsatisfied marriage. And it will be that way until your husband makes the choice between GOD and porn/his marriage or porn. NOW please don't misunderstand me...your husband CAN be healed but its not going to happen until HE decides that he WANTS to be healed. Giving up an addiction is a decision of your WILL. So when he says he can't, it really means he won't. And God gives us tough love to reprimand us. Its the only way we will ever come to our senses. And right now your husband needs reprimanding. And that tough love is exactly whats needed for any ADDICT.
The botton line is, if he can't give up his sex addiction for God, when his eternal destiny depends on it (and it does!), then he won't ever be able to give it up for you either. You need to help him decide.....for the sake of his soul. As long as you continue to stand beside him, he will continue the addiction. I mean really...what does he have to loose. You're not leaving. And you're basically telling him that God's okay with it to. You ARE the picture of God in his life. SO make sure you're giving him God's true feelings about porn.
Love in Christ
Sandy Peters
I understand what you are going through, really I do. I'm not sure if this article will help you, but it appealed to me as something that might relate. I think that God wants us to be strong in our trials. This doesn't mean to leave our husbands, but neither does it mean to condone what he is doing. I think that by staying with our husbands, we are showing God's love to them. I will not support his actions, but neither will I ostracize him for his weaknesses when he is making an honest effort to overcome this obstacle. Please know that you have support and prayers coming your way! Only by Him will we get through. :)
Emily
http://www.purelifeministries.org/index.cfm?
I value your post and this safe place where spouses can communicate. My husband's struggle continues to teach me about grace - this dynamic in our marriage is part of the broken road that leads me to experience Christ as Life even in painful, broken circumstances.
I used to be my husband's greatest judge, fully believing that I was representing Jesus' response to pornography-users. But lately, I'm experiecing a new perception: that of a wounded Messiah who grieves for my husband and our family as we experience these losses. Tonight before I go to sleep, I'm going to meditate on the complete trust-worthiness of God, believing that He has worked - and will work - good out of this mess (Romans 8:28). I'm surrendering my right to define what "good" looks like.
Living in the moment,
Gina
Michelle,
. What do you fear most about leaving your
husband?
. What do you believe about yourself--that tells
you that you must stay with your husband?
. What doubts do you have about yourself that
tell you that staying with your husband is
what's best?
I believe that your husband has one of the best wives in all of this world. I believe that your love for your husband outweighs the love that you have for yourself. I believe that your husband can change...if he chooses (like Sandy said).
Jesus commanded us to love others (1st them) as ourselves (then us). If you were the porn addict, what do you think would help you? What would you want your husband to do?
An excellent resource (in addition to this site) is NewLife.com. These amazing Christian counselors have a nationa radio show that encourages people to overcome addictions of all kinds -- including porn. When you think about it, it's not just porn that is the problem. There is a deeper issue that is not being met/addressed.
I encourage you to encourage your husband to go to an "Every Man's Battle" weekend. These men tackle the porn issue and encourage accountability. THere are also resources for you--there's a specific book called Every Heart Restored by Steve Arterburn that addresses a women's battle with a spouse challenged by sexual purity. Additionally, there are many radio shows that you can listen to where people call up and get help. Listen to it!
But I can tell you that you must set boundaries and challenge your husband to abide by them. True love has consequences and sounds as if he needs to meet them.
one more question--
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU? because they sacrifice for you.
As I have struggled with the desire for fantasy over reality myself, I realize that it's really a battle of selfishness and selflessness.
Good luck and God bless...
You're welcome and thank you for taking the time to respond.
Here are the answers to your questions in order;
1. I do not fear leaving my husband. Did I give that impression? If God has ordained each season in my life (and I believe He has/is) then there is nothing to fear. There are some unknowns that make it difficult- but honestly, those are not fears.
2. It is not what I believe about myself or my husband that would dictate if I stayed with my husband or continued on the path of separation. What matters is what I believe about God and I how I hear/ discern His Word and how it applies to my spouses life and how it applies to my life and how it applies to our marriage.
What matters is what GOD is saying and one must be in a place of total surrender to Him to stay that course and follow His voice no matter what others think or say. This is why in faith I believe a woman has to do all things. If it cannot be done in faith it should not be done otherwise she will always doubt her decisions.
3. I think I have answered this question also in the previous two. :)
Since it seems that I have given the impression that one 'has' to stay with a spouse who is bound by this stronghold- I want to address that and will do so in the next blog. :)
Stay tuned...
I just wanted to say thank you for this blog. I'm currently struggling with how to handle my husband's addiction. In the past with these issues (and others) I have been able to look to Christ for my peace, contentment, strength & endurance, and have waited for him to initiate change . . . but I have come to the point where I believe my husband needs to agree to get help or I need to leave. I told him this and he eventually agreed. He threw out some of his stuff but has made no moves to get any support. Knowing him, it doesn't look as if he is going to follow through with this. I hope I'm wrong!
I just wanted to say that I identified with so, so many of the things you talked about in this blog. I have shut my eyes & ears to what is appropriate behavior within a marriage for so many years, convincing myself (and allowing myself to be convinced) that my expectations were too high . . . and now that I am finally saying "enough, something has to change" I am finding all these voices, like yours, that are telling me MY story -- except it's theirs, it's yours. I am realizing that I'm not alone and that these things I've accepted and covered up really should NOT be happening, and that's ok. For years I've been very heavy on forgiveness, acceptance . . . and have put almost zero weight on accountability.
Anyway -- I know I'm rambling but I wanted to tell you I appreciate you sharing all of this and will continue to read.
This blog is such a blessing to me. I have been searching for something like this. My boyfriend struggles with this, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to share his struggle with other women because it will warp his reputation. I've experienced the heartache, Satan's lies, and have thought about leaving him. What is your advice for young women who discover they are dating a porn addict? I want to believe that God will heal him, but at the same time, I have fears.
