It's not your fault; however...

A common thread that seems to link a lot of us wives together is that we feel (in the beginning stages of the discovery) like we must be to blame somewhere for this horrible problem.  There is a stereo type out there and believe me I know it is real because I was once 'of' the world.  The stereo type says that "if her man was getting it at home he wouldn't need to get it elsewhere." That is a lie and that is not what God says.  Your husband's compromise of his own integrity has no place of blame on you!  As a matter of fact even if we do all the things we are told by God not to do (withhold sex, hold a record of wrongs, withhold forgiveness etc.) God still doesn't release our husband's to take matters into their own hands and do what they will to "get what they need" elsewhere. You can be for certain that there is nothing you have done that can take the responsibility of your husband's choice to be unfaithful and call it your own.  You are not the blame. However (don't you hate that word!) even though we know all the Scriptures that talk about Husbands loving their wives-and what the husband's GOD assigned role is, but do we remember what our role is?

In the book captivating, Stasi Eldredge uses research from Hebrew scholar Robert Alter who spent years translating the book of Genesis.  He states that when God created Eve, he called her an 'ezer kenegdo' (Gen 2:19) which most of us know as "helpmeet", "companion" etc.  However, the Hebrew scholar translates this as "sustainer beside him."  "A help in time of need."

Too often we as women listen to the voice of the world that screams "leave him, he's done you dirty, he will never change- any man that looks upon another woman with lust is an adulterer and you should divorce him."  We forget that we have entered into a covenant of marriage and our God given role is "sustainer beside him" we are a "counter part".  Too often we grasp at our rights forgetting that in God we are called to lay down all of our rights.  Yeah, I know there are some reading that disagree and think I am a fruit loop but you know as you read this that what I say is resonating truth in your spirit. 

When we hurt, we want to cover that hurt and protect it.  We tend to allow a callous to form and harden us to the hurt so we don't have to suffer or endure the nonsense of it all anymore, ever again!  But is that what God is calling us to do?    A lot of us women find it easier to stay mad at our husbands and argue constantly than to forgive and take the risk of being railroaded again.  Furthermore to keep up this hardness of the heart we will rise up against our men looking down on them, judging them for this 'thing they do' that is so beneath us.  How do we forget what the Lord our God says to us: "Do not judge or you too will be judged For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  -Matthew 7:1-2

"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor (husband)?"  -James 4:2(emphasis mine)

Yes, we need the wisdom of God in dealing with this situation, getting help, setting boundaries- but we are not to set ourselves up as judge over our husband.

"Because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment." -James 2:13

So what is the point of my blog this week?  It's two fold.  I want to reassure you that your husband's struggles with this sin are not your fault- however; don't use that as an excuse to receive offense and shut down or worse rise up against your husband.  If at all possible we are called to be at peace with all men.  Perhaps your husband is repentant and wants to be free but is afraid, feels all alone or is just lacking the strength in his faith to make it.  Don't make this about you and how hurt and devastated you are. Ask God to help you to let go of that right and to help your husband.  Encourage him!  Be his "ezer kenegdo",  forgive him, love him.  Love never fails.

What if he isn't repentant?  What if he doesn't want to change?  Continue to pray mercy for him and while you are doing that go before God each day to help you discern what your next steps are.

Amber wrote on June 11th 08 at 06:20PM

Michelle,
Thanks for your blog. I am a wife who discovered a few months ago that my husband has been viewing pornography throughout our entire marriage. The overwhelming feeling I had was that I must be a complete idiot to not have figured it out before now...I had instant distrust for my husband.
It turns out, though, that God is so faithful. My husband is amazing and has agreed to let me hold him accountable as well as seeking other help. I am still seeking God's help on this and learning to believe my husband when he tells me that I am beautiful. The book, "Every Heart Restored," part of Stephen Arterburn's "Every Man" series, written just for women, has been a huge help to me.
I know that it will be a battle, but I also know that victory is in God's hands and if I can't trust Him, I can't trust anyone!
I am praying for your ministry and this website. Thank you for doing what you do...I know God stands with me, however, it is great to know there are other Christian sisters fighting this battle, too.
Blessings.

Rebekah wrote on June 11th 08 at 09:04PM

Just to elaborate on what you said: My understanding is that "helpmate" is a very watered down meaning of "ezer kenegdo." My understanding that the only other use of this phrase in the old testament is when referring to God and the contexts are of God delivering Israel in a times of great need (which matches of with your definition of "A help in time of need").
This is my first time perusing the XXX church forums, and I have been very much blessed.

loving_spouse wrote on June 13th 08 at 10:38AM

My husband and I are about to have our one year anniversary. He was already addicted before we got married, but I thought he had already worked through it. When I finally realized it was still a reality it hurt and I thought I wasn't good enough. He assures me all the time that I am and that it is a problem that has nothing to do with me. Some days it is hard to remember that God is still the one in control. I have given it to God even though my husband has not. I can still see God working and I realize it will get worse before it gets better.
Thank you for your encouragement, we need to be told it has nothing to do with our abilities or lack thereof!

Jenny wrote on June 13th 08 at 09:53PM

I cannot tell you how God has worked in my life tonight. I have been crying on and off all day trying to deal with my husbands struggle with porn. I discovered the problem before we got married. He told me it would stop and I believed him because we were "so in love". Now eight years later, the struggle continues.

He is doing very well. He has started counseling with our pastor and talks openly with me when temptation arises. But I know the struggle will never end.

I am so exhausted with the battle. I have blamed myself since the beginning because I knew their must be something wrong with me. I have know now that is not the case. I just can't seem to get past it. I think I have forgiven...but sometimes I think I just push it down deeper so I don't have to think about it. I can't control this issue for him. I just want to be able to take it away and it be gone forever.

I sit here in tears because I can't do that. How do I learn to trust again? There have been several lies since this all began. It is so hard to forget all of those and move on...make them disappear.

God sent me to this site tonight. For the first time, I know I am not alone in this battle. God is trying to help me...and I will only get through it with him. I also know I am not the only wife dealing with this. I now know that I can continue to fight this battle...I am now alone.

THANK YOU!

Michelle wrote on June 13th 08 at 10:23PM

@ Amber, Jenny, loving_spouse & Rebekah,

I just want to thank each of you ladies for taking the time to respond to my blog. While it is true that my desire in writing is to help you in some way- I am always helped and blessed by the numerous ladies (and men) who have commented.

We are all in this together.
May the Lord touch each of you in a mighty way.

Emily wrote on June 13th 08 at 10:29PM

Michelle,
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I was very blessed to be exposed as a teen to the effects of pornography on a family. My father struggled with porn and sought help. He began meeting with one of our pastors and they began a decipleship relationship that developed into a thought life ministry for men. I saw how my mom reacted and how she still doesn't seem to have trust issues and was well aware that this was a common struggle for men especially. A few months before getting engaged my boyfriend shared with me that he had struggled in the past with porn on the internet. I am so thankful I had heard people talk about it before then. We prayed together and shared our weaknesses. He and his brothers began talking openly and holding each other accountable. He did really well for a long time but 2 years ago we he was confronted by the dean while at seminary for viewing porn at the library. This came about two weeks before graduation and looking for full time ministry. For the last two years he has been in a restoration program with the school which entailed weekly counseling, group counseling, Bible study as well as notifying everyone who had planned on attending the graduation ceremony that he would not be walking and why. I was heart broken. I struggled with feelings of guilt that somehow I should of picked up on his stress or the feeling of him closing off but I didn't and it wasn't my fault. God was so faithful in giving me grace to forgive and not withhold myself from my husband. It was hard but I knew from watching my parents that if I cut him off, I would shame him and push him farther away.
2 years later we can see the awesomeness of our Lord and his divine plan for our lives. Sometimes it is so hard to understand the struggles but He is still present and involved. We now work side by side in Youth Ministry and it is amazing to see how many opportunities the Lord has provided for my husband to share our story with the young men. He is now holding them accountable and challenging them to change the way they think now before getting to marriage etc. I am so grateful for the growth in our marriage and how my husband's willingness to be broken and humble is such a big way has brought us closer to each other. Thank you for this ministry. I also highly recommend the book "I Surrender All" by Clay and Renee Crosse. It was so helpful to me in understanding that my husband's struggle was not about me or us-it was about sin. It helped me see my feelings were normal and how to better support my husband in the restoration process.
Thanks.

Michelle wrote on June 13th 08 at 10:42PM

Hi Emily,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is interesting that you bring up Renee Cross. If you look just above this blog section you will see a link to "wives videos". We have a video from Renee Cross that I think would be a blessing to those who come to this forum.
There is another one of my favorites in the video archive "Dave and Ali" share their story which blesses me every time I see it.
God bless you.

Becca wrote on June 15th 08 at 03:45PM

This blog was very encouraging, thank you SO much!! I am recently engaged and have found out about a year ago that my fiance has been viewing pornography off and on during our relationship (4 1/2 years). Though it has hurt so bad I have tried to remain a encouragement and accountability partner to him. He is doing a great job!! However, it is about 4 weeks till our marriage and the main question I have been asking myself, "Am I a glutton for punishment if I enter into this marriage knowing that he is struggling with viewing pornography?" The positive perspective that I use to have of myself has slowly started to diminish. I have seen from your all's comments the very same thing and praise the Lord I am not alone! BUT I feel I'm in the same boat as Jenny...I am tired of this battle. I say all that to say this...your words were amazing and a refreshing encouragement that has been needed for some time..."A help in a time of need" really was an awesome way to view myself as a soon-to-be wife! Thank you for a different perspective! I needed to be reminded that I am judging my fiance and what he is struggling with is sin...and I struggle with sin myself. Thanks so much! :-)

Steve G wrote on June 16th 08 at 09:27AM

Michelle,

How cool, I was just quoting James 2:13 in the Couples Blog and now reading it over here on your blog just confirms for me God's desire for the focus on the scripture on this site.

I read the scripture last Wednesday night at a Bible study and thought it ties in well with Mathew 7:1-5. I also believe it should be inscribed over the entry way of churches...

"Mercy triumphs over judgment".

In our lives as a couple not only does Mercy triumph over judgment, it has a healing power to it beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Having experienced extreme judgment from others through my addiction and the merciless judgment I put on myself, I lost my will to live...but the mercy from my wife, my kids and of course my Lord brought me back from that edge.

I have learned to reach out to others who are in that place of judgment and to offer them words of encouragement, words of hope and to let them know that God loves them, forgives them; He has great plans for their future.

The joy I have received, from showing mercy to others, has been one of the greatest feelings and rewards I have ever received on this earth and I know I will reap rewards from it in heaven.

I learned to give this great gift of mercy from my wonderful wife through the mercy she gave me. In sexual addiction there is little mercy shown, but the rewards are great both here and in life everlasting.

Thank you to all the women who write in here and share the grace they have given to their husbands. It is that example, the same example which Christ gave on the cross, which will save marriages and save the little children from having to ask why mommy and daddy can't stay together; they can, but mercy and forgiveness must prevail and a father with good accountability and a clean heart.

God bless you all.

Steve and Ann

Hopeful wrote on June 16th 08 at 08:27PM

Im so grateful to this site and to the pastor of XXXChurch for helping my husband and I. Without you all, where would we be?
Turns out my husband has been addicted to porn for many years, but I didnt find out until after our son was born, and I was devastated. I blamed myself that maybe I was too focused on the baby. I got very angry at him and I thought of leaving, but he went down on his knees and begged for forgiveness, saying he would change.
A couple of years later, I caught him again w/ porn. I got angry and hurt again, but he swore he would change and start reading materials on porn addiction.
Recently, XXXChurch pastor (spoke at our church and) suggested the x3watch software to anyone who would like to participate, and hmy husband made me his accountability partner. Lo and behold, it works because it alerted me that my husband looked at porn on the web. I got angry and devastated yet again, but this time my husband made an effort to speak to our asst pastor and will sign up with a small group for addicts in our church. Finally, he also will speak w/ his psychologist about his addiction too.
Ladies, keep praying. Keep forgiving. The men are just as devastated and ashamed of this. They want to beat it, but they need help. Thanks to the Glory of God, my husband will seek help. I have to him forgive lest we drift apart, and I cant let that happen. Keep praying, there is hope. I'm hopeful.

Tara wrote on June 18th 08 at 02:34AM

My husband and I have been married just over a year. At first I am sure that he struggled with porn, but I gave him the benefit of a doubt that he didn't. Within the last year I have been hit time and time again with porn being on my computer. My husband has sometimes had me as his accountability partner and sometimes takes me off. It hurts that my husband chooses to work only Sat and Sun and not go to church, while I work monday-friday and always make going to church and spending time in fellowship with Christian friends priority. My husband used to be active in our church and lead the youth group band and assisted with their activities. I can't even describe how it makes me feel that my husband struggles with porn. What I do know is that God can heal my husband and God can heal my broken heart. My husband canceled the counselor that I had signed us up for. He didn't want to be held accountable. My husband is now struggling more than ever with the issue and I just have to trust that God and the people around my husband can lead him to repentance and to Jesus. I am going to seek out a counselor at my church to discuss and deal with my own pain. In my experience it is always better to forgive than to hold on to the bad times...and pray, pray, pray.

Michelle wrote on June 18th 08 at 07:41AM

Tara,

It breaks my heart to read that any marriage is being destroyed by the use of pornography- but it especially stings when I read/hear about those new marriages having to deal with this. I am sorry your husband has betrayed you and that you find yourself at this place in life. I know the pain all too well and it too started just 6 weeks into my marriage. I want to encourage you to visit Partners for Purity. It is a ministry that I co-founded for women just like you and me. There is a lot of wisdom, transparency and hope there even though we are all dealing with this epidemic in our marriages.
www.partnersforpurity.com

God bless you Tara for your faithfulness and your desire to seek God for the healing of your broken heart and the restoration of your marriage.

Angela wrote on June 18th 08 at 03:48PM

Michelle,

Wow, after reading your blog and the responses, I feel less alone. I didn't realize that there are other wives who so similarily share my story. I am also a newly-wed who knew prior to marriage that my husband was addicted to porn. He has made much progress. However, it wasn't until we were married that I realized how much I was clinging to his sin and not forgiving him. I feel so much anger towards him. But your blog helps me see a higher calling for a wife. It is hard to trust him, love him and forgive him especially when I am faced with the reality of his sin and I feel insecure and afraid. In any case, knowing that other women are able to rise above this and truly love their husbands is inspiring.

Thank-you all for sharing!

kylie wrote on June 19th 08 at 01:27PM

first, thanks for trying to do something about this problem. i installed the x3watch thingy, we'll see if it works. i've been married for 10 1/2 years, (shotgun wedding at 18) this man has struggled with porn on and off fromthe very beginning, it took a long time for him to be honest with me about it. actually it took me leaving. it was only a couple weeks, then a couple counseling sessions with our pastor at the time. things were good for about 5 minutes. he goes in big spurts. (or at least that's how often i catch him.) we were just separated for about 2 months, over other issues actually, (anger, lack of trust.) things were just starting to feel like they might work out and we'd get the marriage we'd hoped for. i've just discovered the freakin porn again. i'm past the crying and fighting part. i'm just tired. i need someone to give me, and my frickin husband some hope, or i might just drive into a tree. is there really any way for them to stop this lust crap? i mean, there is NOTHING else i can do. and he doesn't seem to really care, i think the changes just happen to appease me. is there any one (free) the kalamazoo paw paw michigan area that can actually spend some time with us to work this junk out? we were at apoint where we could talk about it, and he could be honest with me (at least i think he was) and now we can't talk about it again, instead of fessing up and facing it, he just attacks me with my faults in our marriage (there are many. i don't claim perfection)

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

confused in michigan

Jenn wrote on June 22nd 08 at 12:09AM

I have to say that I am very happy that I was given this website to go "check out." My husband and I are both 25 yrs old, have been married only 1 and a half years, we are blessed with an 18 month old son and I am also due in September with son #2. About a month and a half ago I had gotten really upset because of charges on my bank card totaling over $100 and confronted my husband about these charges. He was very vague about it so I started to do my own research and came to find out that it was charges for different porno sites and also a site that I feel should be banned from the internet called *edited by admin* where people come to chat (even married men and women) for descrete relationships YUCK. I printed off the information and confronted my husband only to have him tell me he never cheated on me and never would and that the emails he received was just confidence boost for him and he then "shut down" on me. He previously had done this "shut down" process before, but I knew this time was different. I could see it in his face especially in his eyes when he finally raised them up to look at me. That night I went to God in prayer and asked that if my husband felt that he couldn't confide in me to guide him towards someone who he felt comfortable enough with to talk to. I had barely spoken to him all the next day while he was at work and he usually called me every break and lunch time. I received a call at 10pm from him saying that he admitted himself into the hospitol and he would call me the next day with more information. That scared me to death!!! I didn't know what to do, so I called my mom and dad to come over right away because I was so upset I felt I could not take care of my son. Long story short, after speaking to case workers and my husbands psychiatrist my husband was diagnosed with severe depression with suicidal thoughts and if he hadn't admitted himself that day he might have acted on these thoughts and might not be with me. While he was in the hospitol I took him his bible just knowing that Gods word would help keep evil away even if he didnt want to read it. After about a month and a half of seeing a therapist my husband finally came to me and confessed all the secrets he had kept from me since day 1 we met and also confessed about his addiction to porn since we met. That devistated me terribly. Since all of this happened I know I have to be there for my husband because no one understands fully the extent of the situation, but at the same time I feel I am not strong enough to handle all of this and even though I beleived him when he said he loved me and never cheated it is very hard to trust him again. I feel ashamed because when he's not at home I search his computer to see if he had been to any of those sites recently and for a while he was doing good nothing to find then one day I saw he had been to those sites again. I was really angry because he had promised me that he would never look at those sites again. Looking back I think I was really angry with myself to believe that it was that easy to stop this addiction. Since then I have showed him this site and he watched the videos, but I feel he does not think it is a sin what he is doing. I have to say it is very hard to struggle with the issues I am having personally and that if it wasn't for me getting closer to God I don't think I would have made it this far. THANK YOU all for your blogs. It makes me feel like there is someone else I can talk to about these issues that understand where I am coming from. My family and friends try to give me advice, but none of them have gone through this before and are unsure what kind of advice they can give me. I have never posted a blog like this before, but I feel comfortable here to where I can express my feelings and truly believe that the blogs posted here are honest and true. Eventhough I might not personally know each and everyone of you I have you all in my prayers.

Thanks again and God Bless,
Jenn

Jen wrote on June 23rd 08 at 10:45AM

Kylie, I am in the Kalamazoo/Paw Paw area too. My husband has been exposed to the porn since he was a kid. We have been married for 11 years and he finally admitted he had an addiction. He is seeking the help of Desert Streams counsiling. The counselor said that he will eventually want to meet with me, too. One book that was recommended for my husband to read is "at the alter of sexual idolatry" by Steve Gallagher. My husband says that with the book and the counseling, he will be helped!