Should a wife view porn with her husband?

I have heard this question asked numerous times when a wife finds out that her husband is viewing porn.  Somehow she thinks that if she joins him in watching porn it will perhaps make it easier for both of them in that she isn't left out (hence the 'extra'-marital affair) and he isn't cheating or being selfish because she is right by his side.

Other women have thought that if they were willing to watch porn with their husband then he would find her more attractive and pleasing which would then lead to a more intimate sex life together.

So many times I have tried to answer this question based on what I believe is Biblical truth as well as what I always see happen when a woman does this.  It ends in disaster.  If she is a Christian woman, she feels the shame of participating in what she knows to be sinful in the eyes of God as well as participating in the very thing that is consuming her own husband's heart.  Everything she assumed ends up slapping her in the face.  I meet with women every day whose spouses are struggling with porn and unfortunately many of those women have believed this lie.   Consider this article that I found at Family Dynamics Institute before you consider viewing porn with your spouse.

It's quite common for couples to ask my opinion on whether or not they are Biblically free to use pornography to help them get ready for sex or to enhance their lovemaking.

I have three thoughts to share concerning this issue:

One The average female porn star retires by the age of 28 and the average male porn star retires by the age of 32. The reason for this is that the porn industry sees the human body as being at its physical peak between the ages of 18 and 28 for females; 21-32 for males. Her breasts are firmer and other areas of both the male and female bodies are without age spots or wrinkles. The person in a pornography video will never grow a day older or lose that "perfection," yet your wife or husband naturally will.

Here's the warning: If you choose to use pornography as a means to sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more difficult to be sexually aroused by your lifemate because he or she will age while the porn star forever remains youthful in pictures and videos. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a very bad thing! Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful experience shared by you and your spouse.

Furthermore, which is really the better body? Is the better body the one whose breasts nursed your children and held you close when you were scared or sad? The body that sleeps by your side at night? The world might see the young porn star's body as being the best, but which is really the best? Why would you want to give up the ability to be aroused by the best?

Two The use of pornography will inevitably destroy the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they are not normal. The females they select are usually far above average in breast size and in the appearance of other features. The males are usually far above average in terms of penis size and in the appearance of other features.

As your spouse is constantly exposed to the "perfection" of the people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly, inadequate and unwanted. In time it becomes painfully obvious to your spouse that a substitute is required to sexually excite you. Can you see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn't get better with time--it only gets worse as each of you experience the normal aging process while at the same time watching porn stars who are permanently young.

Three If you are using another person--even a picture of another person--to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you are commiting adultery according to Jesus. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).

I certainly don't want to judge another person. Nor do I want to involve myself in another's sex life. Each person is obviously free to make independent choices, yet I feel that it is important for you to have all the facts and viewpoints at your access so that you can make an informed decision.

This question has been asked so often by couples around the world that we felt it necessary to provide an answer as a resource for individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse.

Written by Lee Wilson
Director of Web Media and Literature
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2005 Lee Wilson. All rights reserved.

Susan Shepherd wrote on May 31st 08 at 12:42PM

Wow, this article was VERY well written!! Great job!!

james wrote on May 31st 08 at 02:26PM

thank you for your words of insperation:) i to believe that its just wrong to watch porn as a couple and i like the three points you made! thank you!

Michael wrote on May 31st 08 at 04:16PM

thanks so much I've been wondering about that myself

Dianne wrote on June 1st 08 at 03:36PM

To answer the question “Should a wife view porn with her husband?”. I would say absolutely not!!! My husband was addicted to porn long before we were married and I didn’t really believe it would be a problem. It thought that once we were married that the porn would end because he had me. It did stop for a while, but slowly crept back in. At first I tried to fight it, but eventually I gave in and allowed it…even joined in. At first I would feel sick to my stomach for allowing myself to become a part of this. I would go shower and scrub myself so hard that I would rub myself raw. Then slowly it just became a part of our lives. I thought that if I were present or involved then it would be okay. I was so wrong. It led to years of misery, affairs and I eventually lost my will to even live. I didn’t care about anything…especially myself. This didn’t happen overnight, it took years to get to that point. So, I didn’t see it happening…I had no idea why I was so miserable and depressed. I am a Christian and knew that this lifestyle was wrong, but continued anyway thinking that this would keep my husband happy…therefore we would have a happy marriage. My husband kept telling me that we weren’t hurting anyone and what we did in the privacy of our own house was nobody’s business as long as no one was getting hurt. It didn’t work that way. It did hurt someone…me. It also hurt my relationship with friends, my husband, but most importantly…God. Once my husband and I realized that this was wrong and decided not to have porn in our lives I found that I had a hard time with sex. I didn’t realize that porn had become such a part of our sex life and when it became just the two of us…it became difficult. So, we added it back in, thinking that was what was missing. I became depressed again and blamed my husband for everything. After only a couple of months we came back to our senses and quit. It is out of our lives now and we are working on our relationship. Porn took so much away that will take a while to build back up. Porn is like fire…it draws you in, but if you play with it….you will get burned.

Don’t think that you can view porn and not get drawn in to it. I was the last person in the world to ever think it would become a part of my life. I was brought up in a loving, stable, Christian home with good morals. Never would I have thought that I could have gotten so ensnared in something like that. It started as just something to do to keep my husband happy and keep our marriage strong. It didn’t work that way - it was the complete opposite.

I truly believe that’s why the Bible says to FLEE sexual immorality….not to stand and fight it, but to turn from it and go the other way. 1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (NIV)

If you allow it to enter your life…it is destructive in so many ways.

Michelle wrote on June 1st 08 at 07:43PM

I appreciate everyone's comments.
@Dianne,
I appreciate your willingness to be transparent with our readers. The outcome of your situation in sharing porn with your husband is not uncommon amongst those that indulge together. It ends up biting (or burning) them.

I am glad that you and your husband are back on track and walking in the fullness of what God has for your marraige.

Tanja wrote on June 1st 08 at 10:48PM

Yes... it is lust. Porn rips at marriages and I know from my own personal experience. My husband has struggled for as long as I have known him.(I have my own issues too) I know he loves the Lord and me. I pray for him daily. I know only God can free us and renew our marriage.

gillian wrote on June 3rd 08 at 09:00PM

wow, praise God for encouragement to revive things i already knew...

blessigns on this ministry!

Snow Chicka wrote on June 10th 08 at 10:16AM

HECK NO, and she should slap the SNOT out of her Husband for watching IT!!!!
lol JK! JK!

Actually what she should do is anoint the TV with oil, and pray that NOTHING ungodly comes on that TV!

I was told of a Mom who had a Son that did that, watched porn, and she anointed the TV and prayed over it when the Son was gone.
When the son got home, he went into his room where the tv was. A few minutes later he came out and told him Mom that the TV FRIED! HA HA HA!!!!

God can take care of that!

PRAY for the Husband, anoint his UNDERWARE with oil and pray!
Bind that thing up in the Name of Jesus!

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

:)