Should you stay or should you go...
I believe that we are called to love and are
called to mercy. That can be displayed in staying and it can be displayed in
separating.
When a woman first finds out that her husband is wrapped up in this blanket of
sexual sin there are a range of emotions that grip us. We are dumbfounded, hurt, shocked, angry and embarrassed. In my
opinion, we must allow God to help us in dealing with those emotions and traumas
before we make any major life decisions otherwise we are making decisions based
on our feelings rather than theTruth and power of His Word. If all we do is focus on our spouse and what
he has or is doing wrong then we run the risk of rising up over him looking
down on him as if he is beneath us and that is NOT biblical. We must look
to the LORD for strength and for guidance and for HIS best plan of action and
HIS timing. He will protect us, cover us, lead us, defend us and offer us peace
in the midst of the storm. Isaiah 25:4 says so!
Some men will repent and turn from their wicked ways. Those marriages can be
restored. A woman doesn't need to run right out and leave her man because he is
struggling in blindness and bound by a lie. However; some men will not repent or are not brought to a place of repentance
without extreme consequences for their actions. Sometimes those extreme
consequences are from losing their wife, their families, their jobs, their
friends etc... However it is not wise for a woman to threaten divorce to try to
manipulate her husband into repentance. It doesn't work that way. ;)
We judge repentance by it's fruit (Matthew 3: 8) therefore it does take some time for fruit to
grow/blossom. Usually it is a process. I believe if it were always instant then 2Peter 3:9 wouldn't point out that God is patient in his waiting for us to come to repentance.
Who can say what that process looks
like? I believe it looks different in every situation. So, that being said-
this is why it is important that the wife is rooted and grounded in love, that
her motives are pure and that the Lord is guiding her footsteps. A woman knows
when it's time. She knows in her spirit if it's God's best for her to stay or if it's in the best interest of her spouse and herself to separate. Not every situation is the same, but there is a godly
answer in every situation. That answer can only come through prayer, searching the Scriptures and as Proverbs 11:14 states, a multitude of godly counsel.
No one person has all the answers- only GOD has all the answers. We must be
submitted to HIM to hear His voice and the voice of those called to speak into our life (Hebrews 13:17) and know the path He has placed us on.
Before my husband and I got married we were best friends and he told me about the porn addiction that he had been battling with for a few years. I became his accountability partner and he made some really positive changes in his life. He started with one month without looking at porn and the months continued until he had gone a full year without porn. Later the following year we got married, and felt happy that his porn addiction had been resolved before we entered into marriage. I never asked about how he was going with the addiction nor did I check the history in the computer. Then a month ago at our church there was a message about addiction. On our way home from the service I became sure within myself that he was battling with porn again. When we were going off to sleep I finally said “have you been looking at porn?” he answered “no.” I said nothing realising that my thoughts must have been wrong, when suddenly out of my mouth escaped the words again “have you been looking at porn?” “no” he answered for the second time. I paused and then asked him one more time. He paused, opened his mouth and then looked at me and closed it again. “yes I have been” he finally exclaimed. Our talk explored how long it had been going on for and I was absolutely dumbfounded and shocked. Now I mostly feel hurt because of how long he lied to me. There are a few issues which I had been ignoring until then like how he actively checks out females on the street, in supermarkets, at parties- even at church. He also flirts with attractive women whom I hang out with to the point that I don’t even want to socialise any more.
He has talked to someone from church about the former problem and will be going to a group meeting soon, as well as counselling to address the core problem. It has certainly been a hard couple of weeks and it may take me a while to trust him again, but I’m feeling really confident with how committed he is to sort himself out. Even though it has only been three weeks I have already noticed changes with his happiness and the new intimate ways he has been expressing love.
So thanks for posting up a spouse’s perspective.
Thank you for sharing your story/life with me/us.
I am sorry you are experiencing this in your marriage- let alone the 'honeymoon period' but I do believe that the confession is the first step. It is also encouraging that your husband is seeking male accountability within the church that will challenge him to live up to God's potential for his life and for your marriage.
An article that I found very helpful and encouraging is "Failures are part of the process".
Cut and paste this into your browser to check it out: http://www.purelifeministries.org/index.cfm?
I will say a prayer for you, your husband and your marriage.
God bless you.
Unfortunately I do not hold the answer or have insight into your particular circumstances. As I mentioned it is a process, but surely you would see great strives and successes and as Kathy Gallagher of Pure Life Ministries states... failures are part of the process. None of us want to hear that, yet there is comfort in knowing that just because we feel like our world has come crashing down again doesn't mean that it can't be restored to an even better place in the journey.
Something else that Kathy has shared that has been such a blessing to me on my journey is her testimony. -Quote: "My testimony is that God was in no hurry to alleviate my pain or set Steve free from his addiction. We both suffered tremendously under what seemed like a never-ending life of grief and misery. When I made Jesus the absolute center of my life rather than Steve; when I became more concerned about my life with God than my marriage; I began to change. I did not say things in my marriage got better – by my perspective, attitude and level of joy changed! I had peace in my storm because I was looking at the Captain of my salvation." -End quote.
Lastly, your confession of struggling with "codependency" is a good sign of being able to gain ground in that area of your life. I struggled with "control" big time... always wanting to prevent the next fall- control the next outcome etc. These things are self focused and if we turn our eyes off of us and put them back on the cross then we too will get 'back on track".
God bless you dear one!
Michelle's comment about focusing on Jesus rather than on your husband is absolutely true. When you are able to do that (which is sometimes easier said than done), it is a tremendously freeing feeling.
My husband has struggled off and on for years, and after his most recent fall, I argued with God about forgiving him yet again. I reached a turning point when I felt God telling me "Forgiveness is not about whether or not he'll do it again. It's about whether or not you can trust Me to carry you through whatever lies ahead."
This doesn't give my husband a blank check, and he knows it. But the fact that I'm not stressed out about him messing up again has helped to restore our relationship.
Another thing that has helped us is that rather than focusing on his weaknesses, I'm trying to build up his strengths. I noticed him recently turning his head away when a commercial featured a scantily clad woman, and I thanked him for it. He is trying to win this battle, and I need to be fighting with him, not against him.
