What the "sexperts" say...
I found this article today and well, I won't tell you what I think. Instead... why don't you take a look and tell me what YOU think?
Can Men Look at Porn and Want their Wife?
Question
My husband is looking at
porn on the Internet. He says he loves me deeply and that the porn
comes second to us. He says that I don't make him feel loved but that
he wants me.
He has never said anything about my weight but I do feel I need to lose weight. All I keep thinking about is him watching slim girls with pert breasts and flat stomachs. But he says it isn't their slimness that attracts him. He maintains that it is the acts that they are doing which turns him on.
He says he would never bring books or videos in and he only watches it when we haven't had sex for a while. You see, I don't often want sex after working, dealing with kids, etc.
Is it normal for men to look at naked girls and still want their wives? We are still arguing about it five days later, we both have said we want to be with each other. But how do we sort it out?
Answer
David writes:
Unfortunately, this is one of the commonest subjects in our mailbag. Vast numbers of husbands and boyfriends watch porn on the Internet – often to the distress of their wives. So you are very far from alone.
It may well be that like a lot of guys your husband does love you, but also enjoys looking at naked girls. You clearly have a very poor 'self-image' at the moment and it is desperately important that you do something to improve this.
Over to Christine.
Christine adds:
Before the Internet, many happily married guys looked at porn. But they did it in magazines. Or some invested in videos – or, in the pre-video age, in 'blue movies'.
You see, the average, normally-sexed guy is probably always going to want more sexual stimulus than the average woman can provide – especially over a long marriage. This is a fact of life. However, most women find it strange.
Many wives are also appalled to discover that the majority of married men also masturbate from time to time. But the truth is that men do tend to compartmentalise sex much more than we women do. It can easily just be an act of titillation or self-release that means nothing except for that moment of temporary pleasure and release of tension. I do think this is hard for some women to appreciate - but trust me, it's true.
Now, you clearly are not happy with yourself. You also, by your own admission, are often tired and have little or no interest in sex. So, I think that if the two of you are going to overcome this, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and try to make things better - not just for him, but for you.
I suggest firstly that you do the self-esteem test, and then take the advice that's given there when your score is calculated.
I also think that you need to think about the relationship with your husband. Maybe you've stopped going out and enjoying each other's company. Maybe you've stopped seeing each other in a romantic way. Maybe you're too absorbed in your kids. A situation like the one you're in forces reappraisal. I feel that it could even be a blessing in disguise. If you take steps to improve things now, you can save this marriage. If you don't, then there is always the possibility that things will deteriorate still further.
You mention your weight, clearly you're not happy with it. But this is something you could change and you could do it for you. And when you're happier with yourself, you'll find that your relationship is likely to improve. Why not consider losing some weight?
Another thing you might do is to list all the things in your life that you feel unhappy or dissatisfied with. Next, divide these things into two categories:
Then concentrate on the first list, and resolve to tackle one of these issues at a time, until you've sorted them all.
I know you've had a horrid shock, but this situation is redeemable if you work together to improve your relationship and if you work hard at becoming a happier person with better self-esteem.
Good luck!
Yours sincerely
Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert
Article found on Tiscali, UK.
Struggling Spouse wrote on May 12th 08 at 02:23PM
I get two very distinct impressions from this article which are in conflict with each other. The first impression is that it's just another "he's just being a man, and men do these things" argument that attempts to make viewing porn and masturbating okay and shoves the blame on the wife who's too tired, too overweight, etc. It seems to say that the wife should just accept her husband's behavior as normal, and while she's doing that, "fix herself" and maybe that will solve their marital issues. The second impression is formed by being a wife in the same situation as the wife in the article: this behavior is wrong for a husband to engage in... no matter what the circumstance of his marriage or the physical status of his wife or the amount of sexual stimulation and release he needs. God calls us to purity in marriage - to exclusivity with our spouse. Viewing porn violates both of those things. It saddens me that any spouse who is suffering from the loss of their husband or wife to porn would be led to believe that it's their fault, as this article would seem to say.
Michelle wrote on May 12th 08 at 07:36PM
@Struggling Spouse,
I couldn't agree with you more. ;)
I couldn't agree with you more. ;)
Struggling Spouse wrote on May 13th 08 at 08:17AM
Thanks for your blog, Michelle. I'm fairly new to this site, although an alumni at the whole spouse-into-porn thing :) I've gone back and read some of your archives and really appreciate your openness, honestly, and how you share your past and current pain for the benefit of others. I wish you peace and healing too, while you help the rest of us!
In one of your archives, you directed someone to Partners for Purity, which then has a link to Higher-Calling.com - this is a great site for the addict (I'm going to share it with my husband tonight, even if he never visits it...) but I notice it's not listed here on the xxxchurch site on the Men's Get Help resource page. Can you suggest that it be added?
Thanks again for everything; blessings to you today.
In one of your archives, you directed someone to Partners for Purity, which then has a link to Higher-Calling.com - this is a great site for the addict (I'm going to share it with my husband tonight, even if he never visits it...) but I notice it's not listed here on the xxxchurch site on the Men's Get Help resource page. Can you suggest that it be added?
Thanks again for everything; blessings to you today.
Michelle wrote on May 14th 08 at 10:23AM
@ Struggling Spouse,
Per your suggestion that site (Higher-Calling) has been added to the resource section for those struggling.
God bless you.
Per your suggestion that site (Higher-Calling) has been added to the resource section for those struggling.
God bless you.
Praying4myhusband wrote on May 19th 08 at 11:27PM
I agree with Michelle. I am a young wife and I have no issues with self esteem confidence etc. Well, until I discovered my husband watches porn. I have a great body not to be vain but to state a point and until I found out he was watching this crap my self esteem & confidence were fine. Suddenly I am asking what's wrong with me? where did I drop the ball? I have not discussed this with him but have committed to pray for him. Meanwhile when I think it's gone away I discover that it's not going away. This is after I have asked him what can I do to be a better lover, wife, partner. I even agreed to sex 5 times a week and started exercising regularly, wearing skimpier clothes (behind closed doors) but he doesn't pursue me for it he just waits til I go to work and goes to his virtual world of passion. This is how I know it is not about me. Christine, you have obviously not been on the receiving end of this because it has nothing to do with 'taking better care of yourself' and 'increasing your self-confidence' we wouldn't have a problem with self-confidence had our lifelong best friends and lovers not turned to other women to seek pleasure. That is not our fault!
Steve G wrote on May 20th 08 at 09:29AM
It seems David's statement to me should be divided into two paragraphs seperated by pages of reading.
"It may well be that like a lot of guys your husband does love you, but also enjoys looking at naked girls. You clearly have a very poor 'self-image' at the moment and it is desperately important that you do something to improve this."
Your husband enjoys looking at naked girls and your need for self esteem, seem related in David's statement and they should not be. Your husband loves you and just likes looking at naked girls is nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior!!! David, are you hiding your own stash of porn?
This is the same "Well all guys do it" excuse I hear from any man who wants to keep his porn stash.
Are you kidding me? Let's heap more guilt on a women because some man is looking at porn and then David tell's her she needs to look at her own self esteem?
Her husband says you don't make me feel loved. Her husband does not have the ability to love himself. She not only is not responsible for him feeling loved, she can't "make him feel" anything. Think I am wrong? The next argument you are in just stop and change to happy...I mean just change right then and there! You can't!! So if you can't change your own emotions, how can you be held responsible to change someone elses? You can't "Make him feel loved" and it has nothing to do with your self esteem.
Ron Jeremy said during one of the debates with Craig "Men who see this and do not realize it is fantasy are stupid". I guess I was stupid...I watched it over and over and I wanted the same things from my spouse. If this woman was smiling through all of this, then why does my wife not seem interested? Those people having group sex seem to be enjoying it, what's wrong with my wife? David suggests there is something wrong with her? I am guessing David is making excuses for his own porn stash.
I was the one searching for happiness and looking towards sex to provide it. I was the one who thought if she was not interested in sex with me then she did not love me. I was the one who went in search of happiness with another woman because porn was how life was supposed to be...what a lie.
In the end, what I realized through the help of God and the many people He placed in my life was that just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz...I had it with me all the time. I had the key to happiness with me all the time...it was inside of me....I was the one with low self esteem, I was the one seeking happiness in porn...I was the one who could DECIDE anger, who could DECIDE happiness, who could DECIDE I was loved...
But where was I placing my need for happiness? I put it on my wife! She needed to change so I could be happy, she needed to be like those happy girls in porn, she needed to be that bedroom goddess....NO...I was wrong and I heaped more shame and guilt on her than anyone could handle...yes she had self esteem issues like we all do, but my porn addiction was not her problem, not because of her weight or her lack of affection...it was because I chose to do it, it was because I did not love myself, I did not see how much God loved me and I could not forgive myself as God forgave me and even as my wife had forgiven me...I placed the blame for porn on my wife...like many men do. It is the way of the world to place the blame on others for our actions, we have been learning it since we were little and mom said "Why did you go to the park when I told you not to?" to which we would point at our friend and answer "well, Johnny did it!"....blame someone else...
I had to start taking responsibility for my own actions, my own anger, my own self esteem. It did not lie in someone elses power...it was and is inside of me.
It has been a long journey to find that happiness but I found it in a group of men, in the most unusual place...a church....Oh did I say "I"? Actually God found me, held me in His arms and it is there I found the love of self I was missing and so in need of...
We all grow old, we all put on a few extra pounds at some point in life. We can look for happiness in a porn video, in another relationship, in another state...but happiness lies within us all no matter what our circumstances and until we can love ourselves for the wonderful person God created, we will always find that reason for our failure in someone else...The husband watching porn is seeking happiness which he will only find in a group of men who have already been there...
No one can learn to be at home in his own heaven until he has learned to be at home in his own hell...
Thanks for listening...you can find more of my ramblings over on the Mens blog which I write for xxxchurch.
God bless you all,
Steve G
"It may well be that like a lot of guys your husband does love you, but also enjoys looking at naked girls. You clearly have a very poor 'self-image' at the moment and it is desperately important that you do something to improve this."
Your husband enjoys looking at naked girls and your need for self esteem, seem related in David's statement and they should not be. Your husband loves you and just likes looking at naked girls is nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior!!! David, are you hiding your own stash of porn?
This is the same "Well all guys do it" excuse I hear from any man who wants to keep his porn stash.
Are you kidding me? Let's heap more guilt on a women because some man is looking at porn and then David tell's her she needs to look at her own self esteem?
Her husband says you don't make me feel loved. Her husband does not have the ability to love himself. She not only is not responsible for him feeling loved, she can't "make him feel" anything. Think I am wrong? The next argument you are in just stop and change to happy...I mean just change right then and there! You can't!! So if you can't change your own emotions, how can you be held responsible to change someone elses? You can't "Make him feel loved" and it has nothing to do with your self esteem.
Ron Jeremy said during one of the debates with Craig "Men who see this and do not realize it is fantasy are stupid". I guess I was stupid...I watched it over and over and I wanted the same things from my spouse. If this woman was smiling through all of this, then why does my wife not seem interested? Those people having group sex seem to be enjoying it, what's wrong with my wife? David suggests there is something wrong with her? I am guessing David is making excuses for his own porn stash.
I was the one searching for happiness and looking towards sex to provide it. I was the one who thought if she was not interested in sex with me then she did not love me. I was the one who went in search of happiness with another woman because porn was how life was supposed to be...what a lie.
In the end, what I realized through the help of God and the many people He placed in my life was that just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz...I had it with me all the time. I had the key to happiness with me all the time...it was inside of me....I was the one with low self esteem, I was the one seeking happiness in porn...I was the one who could DECIDE anger, who could DECIDE happiness, who could DECIDE I was loved...
But where was I placing my need for happiness? I put it on my wife! She needed to change so I could be happy, she needed to be like those happy girls in porn, she needed to be that bedroom goddess....NO...I was wrong and I heaped more shame and guilt on her than anyone could handle...yes she had self esteem issues like we all do, but my porn addiction was not her problem, not because of her weight or her lack of affection...it was because I chose to do it, it was because I did not love myself, I did not see how much God loved me and I could not forgive myself as God forgave me and even as my wife had forgiven me...I placed the blame for porn on my wife...like many men do. It is the way of the world to place the blame on others for our actions, we have been learning it since we were little and mom said "Why did you go to the park when I told you not to?" to which we would point at our friend and answer "well, Johnny did it!"....blame someone else...
I had to start taking responsibility for my own actions, my own anger, my own self esteem. It did not lie in someone elses power...it was and is inside of me.
It has been a long journey to find that happiness but I found it in a group of men, in the most unusual place...a church....Oh did I say "I"? Actually God found me, held me in His arms and it is there I found the love of self I was missing and so in need of...
We all grow old, we all put on a few extra pounds at some point in life. We can look for happiness in a porn video, in another relationship, in another state...but happiness lies within us all no matter what our circumstances and until we can love ourselves for the wonderful person God created, we will always find that reason for our failure in someone else...The husband watching porn is seeking happiness which he will only find in a group of men who have already been there...
No one can learn to be at home in his own heaven until he has learned to be at home in his own hell...
Thanks for listening...you can find more of my ramblings over on the Mens blog which I write for xxxchurch.
God bless you all,
Steve G
Michelle wrote on May 20th 08 at 04:25PM
@Steve,
Thank you so much for taking the time to navigate over at this end of the blogs to share your heart with us. Women need to hear what men like you (overcomer) have to say about this. It speaks so loudly to the rightful place of the actions belonging solely to whom sought it out. I have seen so often that manipulation takes place in order to justify ones behavior. To put the blame on someone else only negates the power of God in our own life.
I can't blame my spouse for my throwing a shoe at him anymore than he can blame me for his choosing to look at porn.
Thank you so much again for taking the time to write all of this out. You have helped MANY!
God bless you and yours.
MT
Thank you so much for taking the time to navigate over at this end of the blogs to share your heart with us. Women need to hear what men like you (overcomer) have to say about this. It speaks so loudly to the rightful place of the actions belonging solely to whom sought it out. I have seen so often that manipulation takes place in order to justify ones behavior. To put the blame on someone else only negates the power of God in our own life.
I can't blame my spouse for my throwing a shoe at him anymore than he can blame me for his choosing to look at porn.
Thank you so much again for taking the time to write all of this out. You have helped MANY!
God bless you and yours.
MT
Roxanne wrote on May 22nd 08 at 11:32AM
I am sickened. It seems like in our Christian religion we always look to blame the woman. ("You clearly have a very poor 'self-image”) and rescue the man “It may well be that like a lot of guys your husband does love you, but also enjoys looking at naked girls.” David quit offering excuses for this man and stop laying on the guilt to his wife. I am so ashamed that you are a “sexpert” and people actually look to you for advice. You, much like most Christian religions offer woman little to no comfort and ask her to find out what she can do to change herself image and her relationship and help him.
Have you ever thought this man’s problem has absolutely nothing to do with his wife? He, replacing his wife with porn “because they haven’t had sex in a while” is no excuse for his behavior. Neither is their lack luster relationship. I just wanted to barf reading your article.
Concerned wife, I say to you stand strong and keep your ground. This bothers you and it is his responsibility to love you like Christ loved the church. He is to cherish you and his behavior is anything but cherishing. You may also come to find out that he has more of a problem then you may think. A lot of men are addicted to porn but don’t even know it nor would ever admit it, even to themselves.
Stay strong and insist he stop. Not only is porn bad for you marriage, a terrible example for your children, and an absolute degradation of women but it is incredibly bad for your intimacy too.
Porn is going to make your husband an exceptionally bad lover. Porn teaches him to only focus on self pleasure (perhaps another reason why you don’t want sex) and to reach climax as soon as possible. Believe me this is a very bad thing for us women.
For you to have a fulfilling and intimate marriage he must stop the porn. All of it!
Have you ever thought this man’s problem has absolutely nothing to do with his wife? He, replacing his wife with porn “because they haven’t had sex in a while” is no excuse for his behavior. Neither is their lack luster relationship. I just wanted to barf reading your article.
Concerned wife, I say to you stand strong and keep your ground. This bothers you and it is his responsibility to love you like Christ loved the church. He is to cherish you and his behavior is anything but cherishing. You may also come to find out that he has more of a problem then you may think. A lot of men are addicted to porn but don’t even know it nor would ever admit it, even to themselves.
Stay strong and insist he stop. Not only is porn bad for you marriage, a terrible example for your children, and an absolute degradation of women but it is incredibly bad for your intimacy too.
Porn is going to make your husband an exceptionally bad lover. Porn teaches him to only focus on self pleasure (perhaps another reason why you don’t want sex) and to reach climax as soon as possible. Believe me this is a very bad thing for us women.
For you to have a fulfilling and intimate marriage he must stop the porn. All of it!
Andy wrote on May 22nd 08 at 04:30PM
There is no room for the idolatry of pornography and extra-marital lust in any relationship. Period.
The lack of a fulfilling sex life will open the door to temptation, but it is STILL SIN to give in to it, and to lust after a woman that is not your wife.
Men, have some backbone and stand up for the Christian faith you claim to have.
Women, don't deprive your husbands, but don't settle for the "all men do it" garbage. Take a stand and recognize it is wrong. Approach it and deal with it. Do not let it lie while your husband has sex with millions of women in his mind who are not you.
The lack of a fulfilling sex life will open the door to temptation, but it is STILL SIN to give in to it, and to lust after a woman that is not your wife.
Men, have some backbone and stand up for the Christian faith you claim to have.
Women, don't deprive your husbands, but don't settle for the "all men do it" garbage. Take a stand and recognize it is wrong. Approach it and deal with it. Do not let it lie while your husband has sex with millions of women in his mind who are not you.
Isabel wrote on May 23rd 08 at 02:13AM
That wife's weght or supposed inability to make her husband feel loved has nothing to do with his problem with Internet porn. Great damage is being done to that marriage until he owns up to his problem.
When I learned about my husband's dirty little secret, I was so overcome with astonishment, denial, then anger since we had always enjoyed such a great sex life. I always made myself available to my husband and enjoyed our close relationship.
I suddenly felt like there was something wrong with me, physically and mentally, because he continued to deny both the issue and the damage to our relationship. I felt betrayed and became distrustful of him.
We spent several months of arguing, then not speaking to each other until my husband finally admitted that he had a very serious problem and that his desire to look at Internet porn had been his secret for many years. He realized that he would feel betrayed and cheated on if I were the one looking at Internet porn.
We have had to work diligently for the past year on building a close relationship again, but I still wonder if/when we will revisit this issue. I pray for strength and guidance so that we will continue to love each other faithfully.
When I learned about my husband's dirty little secret, I was so overcome with astonishment, denial, then anger since we had always enjoyed such a great sex life. I always made myself available to my husband and enjoyed our close relationship.
I suddenly felt like there was something wrong with me, physically and mentally, because he continued to deny both the issue and the damage to our relationship. I felt betrayed and became distrustful of him.
We spent several months of arguing, then not speaking to each other until my husband finally admitted that he had a very serious problem and that his desire to look at Internet porn had been his secret for many years. He realized that he would feel betrayed and cheated on if I were the one looking at Internet porn.
We have had to work diligently for the past year on building a close relationship again, but I still wonder if/when we will revisit this issue. I pray for strength and guidance so that we will continue to love each other faithfully.
Mike wrote on May 27th 08 at 03:38PM
I’ll have to agree with the lady above that the advice of these “sexperts” is pathetic and mean. It is not her problem that her husband is looking at pornography. The problem is with the husband’s heart, not her self-esteem or her looks.
Jesus Christ has done an amazing work in my own life this past seven months to deliver me from this bondage, so if I could, I’d like to share a bit of my story.
When I was about 16 years old, the guys across the street introduced me to pornography and it immediately became an idol in my life. From that time until the Lord got a hold of me at almost 20, I probably looked at porn magazines almost everyday and either masturbated or had sex with one of a string of girlfriends. At that time God delivered me in a significant way from this obsession, along with the sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle I had been destroying my life with. God blessed me with a wife a year later and together we pursued God and our dreams together. A few years later though, it slipped back into my life through some compromise after a trying time in my pursuit of a master’s degree. For the next seven years I fought the fight though and was involved in accountability with men in my church. I even mentioned my struggle to my wife but soft-pedaled it to a certain degree. I would go for months at a time but would eventually succumb. It was a constant source of shame and guilt which I just couldn’t really get over. I fought it, tried harder, tried to be filled with the Spirit, but ultimately I would return to the pig’s trough for more slop. Under life’s pressures, it was as though the tension would build until I finally gave in. Then the pain of guilt would keep me away for another period of time until the pressure built up again. Amazingly enough, my wife and I had a normal and healthy sex life during this time. It wasn’t that I was not being satisfied physically. Instead, there was a problem with my heart. Though God had done some amazing things in my life to deliver me at age 19, I had set out to be a perfect Christian, to give my life to God to be a pastor or missionary or something great. So instead of just resting in Him and growing and enjoying His new life – letting His abundance overflow to others – I think I tried to force it a bit. I was impatient and wanted to be Hudson Taylor, or some other great Christian, when I was not. I think that attitude turned me into a poser, striving, striving to be that man of God. I lived in the future, but was frustrated and impatient in the present. Then slowly over time I began to lose heart, to compromise more until I finally gave up the fight almost completely. The idols of pornography and sensuality are jealous and they demand more and are never satisfied until we are completely under their control, in bondage.
Last August 2007 my wife finally left me (I'm now 43). She moved out with my daughter. She just couldn’t take any more of the drinking, gambling, pornography and the lies. I was excommunicated from my church and openly shamed, yet I kept on keeping on in my enslavement. I knew the truth but could not get free, like the prince in the Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis who knew who he was for one hour a day, chained to the chair, but was under the spell of the witch for 23 hours a day and served her gladly, thinking she was doing him good.
But God (I love those two words), but God had other plans to write a new chapter in the story of my life. On December 1st, 2007 He broke into my world of bondage and brought my heart to sorrow over my sin. I had actually lost $1200 playing poker in Reno, $1200 I had just won and then got drunk and lost it again. But I raised that sorrow to God and offered it to Him as representative of my screwed up life. Amazingly enough He showed up and ran to embrace me as the Father embraced the prodigal son. He gave me the courage to face my pain, not run to the idols of drinking, gambling and porn. He gave me the courage to confess and own up to my sin and failure and the way I had hurt my wife, even tried to blame her for it all. He has shown me that Jesus Christ paid for it, He owns it – and as I confess and own it in Him, it no longer has dominion over me.
In the midst of our working towards reconciliation, we were discussing something in Boundaries in Marriage. My wife confided, it wasn’t so much the drinking and gambling as it was the pornography. She said it hurt her deeply.
I was profoundly affected by this and was pierced to the heart by what I had done to her. She said she did not want to be with me physically ever again unless I would put a filter on my computer and be accountable to her with it. At first I resisted and said I would be accountable to our pastor and other men, but she said no, I had to be accountable to her. Later that night I was driving home alone and God brought 1 Cor. 7:4 to my mind: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” So I reasoned in my heart, well, if I have a problem in this area and my wife has authority over my body, why shouldn’t I be accountable to her? So I put X3Pro on my computer and put her, a pastor and my 19 year old son as my accountability partners. And praise God I haven’t looked at porn in almost 7 months now. With all that God is doing, I can hardly believe it, but I actually don’t want to look at it anymore. He is changing my desires and I am choosing to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. As my heart is single towards Him, there is no more room for idols like pornography. And the more freedom I get, the more I want.
Just by way of referral, John Eldredge has been a great help to me in my journey these past seven months. Waking the Dead (The glory of a heart fully alive), Wild at Heart, and The Sacred Romance )Growing Closer to the Heart of God) are all excellent.
Mike
Jesus Christ has done an amazing work in my own life this past seven months to deliver me from this bondage, so if I could, I’d like to share a bit of my story.
When I was about 16 years old, the guys across the street introduced me to pornography and it immediately became an idol in my life. From that time until the Lord got a hold of me at almost 20, I probably looked at porn magazines almost everyday and either masturbated or had sex with one of a string of girlfriends. At that time God delivered me in a significant way from this obsession, along with the sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle I had been destroying my life with. God blessed me with a wife a year later and together we pursued God and our dreams together. A few years later though, it slipped back into my life through some compromise after a trying time in my pursuit of a master’s degree. For the next seven years I fought the fight though and was involved in accountability with men in my church. I even mentioned my struggle to my wife but soft-pedaled it to a certain degree. I would go for months at a time but would eventually succumb. It was a constant source of shame and guilt which I just couldn’t really get over. I fought it, tried harder, tried to be filled with the Spirit, but ultimately I would return to the pig’s trough for more slop. Under life’s pressures, it was as though the tension would build until I finally gave in. Then the pain of guilt would keep me away for another period of time until the pressure built up again. Amazingly enough, my wife and I had a normal and healthy sex life during this time. It wasn’t that I was not being satisfied physically. Instead, there was a problem with my heart. Though God had done some amazing things in my life to deliver me at age 19, I had set out to be a perfect Christian, to give my life to God to be a pastor or missionary or something great. So instead of just resting in Him and growing and enjoying His new life – letting His abundance overflow to others – I think I tried to force it a bit. I was impatient and wanted to be Hudson Taylor, or some other great Christian, when I was not. I think that attitude turned me into a poser, striving, striving to be that man of God. I lived in the future, but was frustrated and impatient in the present. Then slowly over time I began to lose heart, to compromise more until I finally gave up the fight almost completely. The idols of pornography and sensuality are jealous and they demand more and are never satisfied until we are completely under their control, in bondage.
Last August 2007 my wife finally left me (I'm now 43). She moved out with my daughter. She just couldn’t take any more of the drinking, gambling, pornography and the lies. I was excommunicated from my church and openly shamed, yet I kept on keeping on in my enslavement. I knew the truth but could not get free, like the prince in the Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis who knew who he was for one hour a day, chained to the chair, but was under the spell of the witch for 23 hours a day and served her gladly, thinking she was doing him good.
But God (I love those two words), but God had other plans to write a new chapter in the story of my life. On December 1st, 2007 He broke into my world of bondage and brought my heart to sorrow over my sin. I had actually lost $1200 playing poker in Reno, $1200 I had just won and then got drunk and lost it again. But I raised that sorrow to God and offered it to Him as representative of my screwed up life. Amazingly enough He showed up and ran to embrace me as the Father embraced the prodigal son. He gave me the courage to face my pain, not run to the idols of drinking, gambling and porn. He gave me the courage to confess and own up to my sin and failure and the way I had hurt my wife, even tried to blame her for it all. He has shown me that Jesus Christ paid for it, He owns it – and as I confess and own it in Him, it no longer has dominion over me.
In the midst of our working towards reconciliation, we were discussing something in Boundaries in Marriage. My wife confided, it wasn’t so much the drinking and gambling as it was the pornography. She said it hurt her deeply.
I was profoundly affected by this and was pierced to the heart by what I had done to her. She said she did not want to be with me physically ever again unless I would put a filter on my computer and be accountable to her with it. At first I resisted and said I would be accountable to our pastor and other men, but she said no, I had to be accountable to her. Later that night I was driving home alone and God brought 1 Cor. 7:4 to my mind: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” So I reasoned in my heart, well, if I have a problem in this area and my wife has authority over my body, why shouldn’t I be accountable to her? So I put X3Pro on my computer and put her, a pastor and my 19 year old son as my accountability partners. And praise God I haven’t looked at porn in almost 7 months now. With all that God is doing, I can hardly believe it, but I actually don’t want to look at it anymore. He is changing my desires and I am choosing to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. As my heart is single towards Him, there is no more room for idols like pornography. And the more freedom I get, the more I want.
Just by way of referral, John Eldredge has been a great help to me in my journey these past seven months. Waking the Dead (The glory of a heart fully alive), Wild at Heart, and The Sacred Romance )Growing Closer to the Heart of God) are all excellent.
Mike
fatcow wrote on May 31st 08 at 02:02AM
since i don't think these sex-perts are coming from a Christian background of course their advice looks like such.
this is a normal situation. and if a person has a godless foundation then why shouldn't they look at porn? why should they submit themselves to someone else's moral convictions. do all that you can get away with-ethics come into a state of disarray.-all of this occurs without God
once Christ or a Just God comes into a picture, then there is a reason to stay away from the stuff
couldn't really tell if the situation described involved a christian couple but their lack of the of God makes me think not.
the sexperts are right, the average normal guy always wants more. different worldviews
this is a normal situation. and if a person has a godless foundation then why shouldn't they look at porn? why should they submit themselves to someone else's moral convictions. do all that you can get away with-ethics come into a state of disarray.-all of this occurs without God
once Christ or a Just God comes into a picture, then there is a reason to stay away from the stuff
couldn't really tell if the situation described involved a christian couple but their lack of the of God makes me think not.
the sexperts are right, the average normal guy always wants more. different worldviews
Hunter Raburn wrote on July 1st 08 at 06:33PM
well i think the composition of this article is bad. However, as a husband who "struggles" i know that all of this stuff is related i.e. wife's low self esteem, her low sexual desire, man struggling with porn, and yet they are sepearte issues at the same time. what i mean is that they can all be issues in an of themselves and would exist if the other things were not present. However, they tend to feed each other. For example guy feels alone. He wants to have sex, wife is tired and doesn't really want sex that often. In fact she does it more for him than for them, when she feels up to the challenge. Guys can smell pity sex from a mile away. We to want to be wanted and desired. I know often i can even feel like my sexuality and sexual desires are just mine and not ours, i want to share them, but she rarelyy "in the modd." i then feel isolated. It is at the points that i am most vulnerable to porn. You are right to say that this justifies porn. you are right there will never be an excuse. Also, this does not justify shame, or depression.
i did however like how he pointed both sides of it back to communication. For any of this to get better communication must happen. For your sexual experience to be a biblical model 1 corinthians 7:4. sex and sexuality is meant to be shared not given and taken.
i would love to hear any comments you have.
i did however like how he pointed both sides of it back to communication. For any of this to get better communication must happen. For your sexual experience to be a biblical model 1 corinthians 7:4. sex and sexuality is meant to be shared not given and taken.
i would love to hear any comments you have.
