When our husbands look elsewhere...

Dear Michelle,
Thanks for your encouraging writings. You have european readers to, you know that? (which will explain any poor english appearing in the following...)
I have been married for four years, and have recently discovered and confronted my husbond with his (apparantly quite regular and addictive) use of pornography. It's all very painful and confusing right now, I'm full of anger, doubt and sadness, but buttomline is he's sorry and wants to make things better. I really do belive in a new start with no more secrets, and we both trust in God to guide us and change our hearts.

But I have a question for all of my sisters reading here, I need some advice I haven't been able to find elsewhere on this site: How will I ever be able to get intimate with my husbond again? Right now I can't even kiss him without starting to feel sick. It's not his fault, it's not like he has changed or anything, I just can't stop thinking of these other girls. Did you also feel repulsed? What did you do to get over it? It's like the intimacy we once had has been broken and invaded by something I cannot control. He tells me to take my time - but I can't let him wait forever, can I? Yes, I know I can pray and turn to the scripture, and I do so. But I would be very glad to know that I am not alone with these feelings, and that there is a way out of it. Is there?

Did I just write "buttomline"....? :-)
It was supposed to be "bottomline"
(and now I'm in doubt whether that's actually an existing word!)

Dear Gina,
Thank you for your comments and bless your heart for wanting to know you are not alone with where you are at emotionally concerning intimacy with your husband.

First of all, no- you are definitely not alone. What is awesome is your husband's sensitivity towards where you are at. Unfortunately many men that are wrapped up in this thing become so self centered that they either refuse to give it up or worse, they will manipulate their wives either into practicing sex acts that don't help with rebuilding trust and intimacy. I have heard so many disturbing situations- that yours is VERY encouraging.

To know that your husband has repented and is trusting in the Lord to help him achieve victory over this area of his life is awesome! Furthermore, the fact that he is saying to you- "Take your time, I understand I have hurt you deeply and I am willing to wait and to do whatever it takes to help you to trust me again" is just a beautiful thing.

As far as how to be free from the mindset that has enslaved you. You may not want me to point you back to the Scriptures- but truly it is the only way.
"Finally, Gina, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from Me, or seen in Me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:8,9 (emphasis mine)

I think the greatest part of that Scripture is the last part. "Put it into practice".

I am always amazed whenever I am really peeved about something it is usually an incident or situation that provokes it... but it is only my thought life that keeps me there. If I surrender my thoughts and the right to think whatever I want and I put into practice "love" regardless of my feelings, I usually conquer that which was plaguing me. If I stir and baste in the incident/offense/situation then the outcome is bitterness/anger and wrath unfortunately served burnt!

I urge you to focus on the good things about your spouse, all that he is doing that is good, lovely, noble, etc. and your heart will follow. :)
No one said it will be easy to master- but you can because you know the Master! :)

Please also visit www.partnersforpurity.com you will find many sisters there in the same situation as yourself who will encourage you and hold you in prayer so you don't have to go it alone.
God bless you!

I really need some advice about my marriage. My husband and I have recently moved and since the move, he has changed. He is very distant with me and I just kept having a bad feeling that he was hiding something. Recently, I have caught him in several lies. I have been praying about it. About a week ago, I found a few different singles sites and some porn that had been accessed on our computer. And then on Sunday, I went to the grocery store , I was gone for maybe an hour and a half. I came home and discovered that my husband had looked at over 30 different porn sites while I was gone. I am completely devastated! When I asked him if he had looked at them, he lied and denied that he looked at these sites. When he did amit to it he said that he was disgusted by what he saw. But if this is true why did he look at so many sites. And he won't tell me how long this has been going on. He won't be honest with me and I don't know if I can trust him anymore, or I will be able to be intimate with him. Please Help!

We need serious help. I found out my husband had been looking at porn and hiding it from me for a year. This was 3 or 4 weeks ago. I was crushed and hurt and angry. We went to counseling and he promised me he would not look at porn again. Then I found deleted porn pictures in the recycle bin from a folder I could not find. I asked him about it, he acted confused and didn't answer me. Then he got angry because I was checking up on him and he felt he hadn't done anything to deserve that type of behavior from me. I asked him point blank if he had any porn saved on his computer and he said no. I changed the viewing options to show hidden files and folders and found tons of porn. Two days after we went to our first counseling session, after he promised me he wouldn't, he was looking at his porn again. I don't know what to do. I love him very much and he is a wonderful husband in all other regards. Can anyone help me, give me advice on how to proceed from here? Resources?

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. About 2 months after we were married I found a couple porn sites on our computer, when I asked him he admitted that he had looked at it. It was something that he had struggled with several years ago then hadn't looked at it since. He said that he didnt know why he felt the need to look at it all of the sudden. He said that he would not look at it again, and as far as I know, he hasn't, but I still struggle with it greatly. I get worried every time he is home alone, wondering what he is doing. I feel bad about myself, thinking that if I were attractive to him he would look. Its been over a year, and even though these feeling have slowly gotten a little better, I still feel it and wonder if it will ever go away. I hate even going to the grocery store with him and seeing those magazines with girls in bikinies because I think he would rather have one of them than me. Im scared that since its been over a year and Im still not over it that I never will be. How long does it usually take to trust again?

I want to say one thing to you ladies, from a man's perspective. I am an alcoholic, and have not had a drink or drug in years. I quit smoking several years ago. I had avoided online porn for quite some time. Things were looking good. However, about two weeks ago, I bought a pack of cigarettes. When I quit smoking, again, I found myself looking at online porn again. I love my wife in a way words can't describe; she is perfect to me. My behavior in no way reflects on her. My disease seeks escape in some form.
I am not making a blanket defense for your husbands, or for myself. What I am saying is,
please remember your value, your beauty, no matter what your husband does. It's not your fault. Only God can fix me, but I need to get at the root cause of my problem.

Gina,

Could I be so bold as to suggest you pray a prayer of forgiveness towards the women your husband looked at and confess to God the bitterness you have felt towards them.

Though your marriage covenant has been violated in some ways, I want to encourage you that you, personally, have not been defiled by what your husband has done, despite the feelings you have been. Mark 7:15 refers to food but can also be carried over to other things I believe (from reading further on). It says "Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean'."

You are pure in God's sight and there is a good reason that it is taking you some time to want to be intimate again. Praise God that your husband is being honest with you. I think it only natural to feel the way you do, keep giving these feelings to God. Don't let the devil intervene and try and cheat you from God-ordained intimacy within marriage or let the devil feed self-doubt into you just because you feel the way you do.

Beth


To the other ladies who are feeling completely down about their husbands lies, deception and betrayal. Can I recommend you and your husband both get some professional help? Read up on sexual addiction, possibly even read about verbal abuse (where there are lies involved). Access support from a nearby ministry, pray and be REAL about the situation. It IS painful, it IS difficult and your husband and you need help to get through. If your huband is still lying about looking at porn it may take a third party to confront him (in a loving way). The pull of this addiction is VERY strong. My husband lied to me for 5 years about looking at porn along with other sexually addictive behaviours and even his feelings towards me. If your husband isn't taking responsibility for what he is doing or trying to get an understanding of the pain you are going through he really needs help before things get worse in your relationship. There is hope and a future but don't let the devil rob you of your marriage.

Carrie - I hear you. I felt the same way when I found out about my hubands addiction but I learnt to give it to God and trust him with my huband. Nothing I can do would change him except my prayers. A good song to listen to may be "Lord, I lift my friend to you" by Casting Crowns.

Hope this has been helpful in some ways.

Take care all you lovely ladies,

Beth

I have been separated from my husband for a year and a half. I found out that not only did he have a porn addictions he was on several websites looking for sex on the side. I was devastated. We tried counseling and even when back church. He could not stop lying and he didn't want to deal with the real issues. I prayed and prayed for God to help him. I still pray for him. We have tried to work things out many different times but it just seemed to make use drift further apart. I know it is is Gods hands and not in mine. I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together for over twenty years and married for nine. I miss him so much and I am still very heart broken. We don't even talk anymore. The last time I saw him I realized how much he has changed and he is not the man he used to be. He is living a completely different life and that is where he wants to be. He had asked me to come back but he refused to deal with his issues and wanted to pretend that nothing ever happened and we were not going to talk about it. How could I go back as much as I wanted too. I am now getting ready to file for divorce which makes me sad. I feel stuck and I need to move on with my life. I am glad I found this site because I have felt so alone and that no one understands the pain I carry. I now see that I am not alone. I would like to ask for prayers for my husband and for me. Even though the marriage may not be savable I still pray that God will help him.

So many hurting ladies. :( I think Beth gives some great advice. In addition ladies you can check out the resources in our get help section. If you really feel like you are at wits end with it all and need some biblical counsel and direction, Pure Life Ministries ( www.purelifeministries.org) does offer a one time counseling call for a set fee of (I think) $30. They offer longer counseling also- but if you just need a jump start session for some direction you can start there.

I caught my husband looking at Internet porn again; this is the third time over the 10 years we have been married. Each time, I have been able to see his Internet activity quite by accident and there are always dozens of sites he visits. I am still very angry at him, but I am able to work through my feelings and can now talk to him calmly. He is deep in his addiction and he is in God's care. There is plenty of help for him if he wants it. Even though he denied having a serious problem again and he said I was to blame for several reasons again, I know I am not the cause of this problem. He refuses to go to counseling with me but that doesn't stop me from going alone. I have prayed for guidance during the past month and am now feeling much better. I do not look at my husband the same and I have a difficult time believing almost anything he says. In time, I hope I can trust in him again. Right now I just want to find some inner peace and I am glad that I am not constantly wondering what he's doing when I'm away. He's going to do what he wants, and he knows I will not be around much longer if he keeps looking at Internet porn. Thank God not all men do this kind of thing, so I will continue to work on myself. Something must be working because he seems more attentive to me these past few days than he has been for over several months. Anyway, I always feel better when I visit this site and can express my thoughts openly. It is good to know I am not alone. Thank you.

I´ve been married for five years, four years ago, I found out that my husband was watching porno. I felt embarrased, and did not tell him anyhing, I didn´t know what to do. He started to change, until did not want to go the church. I felt devastated. I knew he was hiding something, until he conffesed he had had an affair last year. I wanted to die, but the Lord has given me strength so far. But I do not Know how to move on. He says it was only once, but I do not beleive him because he is getting home very late, without any valid reason. He says, he is repented,but he keeps looking at internet porn even when he denies it.
I am so hurt that I do not know what to do. Please I need your help.

Hi Ladies again,

It is really difficult this journey? I recommend "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson for you Liz. It discusses and gives scenarios about how to respond when an affiar has happened in a marriage. Very easy read.

It really opened my eyes up to the seriousness of my husbands behaviours and appropriate way to respond. I didn't mention in my previous email but my husband was not only addicted to porn - he had been sleeping with prostitutes and living a double life (other things too). It is difficult for me even to type this and tell you ladies because I feel so betrayed, lied to and ashamed. However, God is good. He reveals truth. I was lied to by my husband for so long without knowing anything - happily married actually. Then it all came crashing down. The prayers for truth to be revealed were so fruitful and now, a year after I found out about this double life I am seeing God reveal truth in the circumstances and heal my heart. He has recently even given me the opportunity to hear my husbands real motivations behind marrying me and get clarity of the fact that my husband doesn't really love/care about me - which is more than many women in my circumstances get.

I have been seperated for nine months now and it is still difficult but there are many great blessings in living on your own and learning to trust God especially when you can't trust yourself or anyone else around you.

"An Affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall and "The Verbally Abusive Relationhip - How to recognise and respond to it" by Patricia Evans would be good books to read. "An Affair of the mind" might also be a good one for your husband to read if they are interested in changing and transforming their hearts so they can gain some understanding of the pain their actions cause you.

Take care ladies - you are in my prayers,

Beth

Gina,
Like you I was blindsited when I found out my husband not only had a problem with pornography, but he had started a relationship with a women. It had not gotten physical and I do believe God guided me in finding out so that we could end the secrets and lies between each other.
Now your question about how you can become intamate with him again. Like you I could not even touch him or look at him, it just hurt so bad. But then my husband went to our minister and sought spiritual guidance. He came home and threw out all of his porn, even his sports illistrated. He was trying so hard, praying anytime he had the chance, asking me to pray with him, reading the bible everyday and searching for ways to help his addiction. I knew that he had not forgiven himself which he needed to do and I needed too also. One day when he came home from work I just reached out and huged him. We both cried for a while, but it helped. It was the first step in me forgiving him and climbing out of the land of dispair I had tumbled into. It helped him as well to know I was here for him I was behind him. We still have a long road ahead of us but we have each other again.

Beth-

Thank you for sharing you story it sounds alike like what happened to me. I really thought I was happily married and my husband was leading a double life. I found out things I could not believe my husband what do. I was crushed. I am still heartbroken but God has given me strength that I never new I had. I am living alone for the first time in my life and it's hard. I wish I had more understanding of why. I just thank God that he opened my eyes to what was going on. I am really grateful that I found this site, and other women who understand the pain I am going through.

Hi Maria,

This Web site is great because it allows us to speak openly about the problems we have had and continue to have with our spouse's or our partner's addiction to pornography. I too am very grateful to have found this and as you said to have found "other women who understand the pain I am going through" is priceless. I get strength from each of you as well as from God.

My significant other, of almost 5 years, looks at porn and lies. It hurts me to no end. I am only 24, and we have two children, I am a SAHM. Anytime I am away, visitng my parents he is looking at porn. He isn't addicted, but he has a problem, he knows it hurts me, but he won't stop... what do I do?

Ladies,

Let's not forget the sin in our own heart from which we have been saved. God's word says that all have sinned and that all fall short, when we are hurt we should remember that God's grace is what guides us and that we are commanded to forgive, being unwilling to do so is as equally sinful as a pornography addiction. God has said that if we repent he will remember our sin no more that it will be as far from Him as the east is from the west, this is how we should forgive our husbands, with that same loving kindess. We should pray for our husband every day that he would not be lead astray and that God would cause him to be repentant. Human advice is often sound but we should not forget that the Bible, God's Word is our guide and God's Word calls us to pray, to exhort, to rebuke and correct if neccessary, to encourage, and to forgive one another. Love bears no record of wrong, and this is how your husband will see God in you through your chaste and gentle countenace even in the midst of turmoil.

Let us remember the example of Christ our Savior, if indeed he is, "When he was revieled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness." I Peter 2:23-24a

Live my the example Christ gave us, He loved the unlovely that while we were yet sinners He died for us. Our husbands need our help and we are called to be their helpers but we cannot do so if we are misguided by our own sorrow. Love him when he is unlovely and encourage him in the truth of God's Word because God's Word is the only light that will direct his path.

Hey everyone... Let me just say that I am not actually married at this point, but I do have a beauty that, after reading all of these comments, I would NEVER want to break her trust in this way!

Men need to HEAR your pain. The victims of pornography are more than just those who watch it! It's a huge international web of deception that has been "rated for adults." Ridiculous and disgusting! If every man could read these comments, it would tear that web apart overnight!!!

God please help us

Jesse,

I appreciate you taking the time to encourage the women in this way. Believe it or not- there are men who have commented on this same thread that we need to shut our mouths and "put out" more. I removed those comments for obvious reasons, but wanted you to know that not all men reading this forum agree with you. You are an exceptional exception and I pray that your heart would remain soft and that you would pursue the freedom Christ offers you wholeheartedly.
God bless you!

To Antoinette:

Interesting point, but "being unwilling to do so is as equally sinful as a pornography addiction" is difficult for me agree with. It seems as though most of the men who have been exposed for viewing pornography in a marriage turn to manipulation as an escape route. Now, I am not a woman, but I know that it is almost inhuman to completely forgive someone whose heart is still in the same state it was in when they betrayed you. If, however, you do come to forgive under these circumstances, I do not see how the relationship can continue.

This battle is to be fought in the hearts of men. I know this for sure!

Jesse,

First of all thank you for understanding the difficulty in coping with this addiction. I have forgiven my husband, twice, and he continues to look at pornography. It has taken me weeks to let go of the anger and most of the hurt and I have yet to forgive him. I'm tired of the lies and the roller coaster effect of the addiction. In time, I will forgive him again, but I will never forget. He knows what he is doing is very hurtful. He told me he started looking at Internet porn again because I made him mad. I didn't clean the desk off of papers while I was pursuing my online Bachelor's degree. So in his mind, his actions are my fault. I know better than that. He just wanted an excuse, even if it was a lame one. Now that I have my degree, and the desk is clean again, there are no excuses, but I expect he'll think of something. I've become cynical and pray that I will let this go and soon, for my peace of mind. Thank you once again for your understanding.

Hello all of you most precious and beautiful ladies.
This is an amazing blog. I am a recovering wife also. I am so encouraged to know that this help is available for us, I just discovered this sight.
I would like to tell my story because I think it may encourage and or help many of you. I have a very wonderful husband of 28 years. I have 3 grown children and 2 grand children. We raised our children in church and have a very close family. We were going along just great and God is blessing. I had been going through some heavy female problems but for the most part I felt we had a great sex life I was satisfied and I felt that he was also. One day I was just messing around on the computer doing some googling and I discovered that there were some girl sights in the history (It was by accident? No God had intervened) My body started to shake as I started to think about what may be going on. I immediately called my husband at work and asked him if he had been on these sights, his first reaction was (what sights? no ) Then within seconds he said "Jen yes I have been looking on line at girls in bikinis" I said ok I'm going to hang up now. As this whole nightmare played out he had been looking at girly sights full nudity etc etc. Well my world came crashing down around me. Unsuspecting, very trusting, so in love with my husband and now in one moment I am a lost person. I experienced every emotion that exists anger guilt grief sadness mourning shame. I became a very very broken person. I did not have any understanding of why how when what. When he came home from work that day I could not look at him all I could do was cry and cry and cry and.......He approached me over and over to try to talk to me and I just fell on the floor and began to cry out to God because that is the only place you can find truth and true unadulterated love. I called out literally to God to help me I told him I can't do this I can't go through this please help me Lord I'm lost I need you. Although my husband was in the room with me, I felt like I was all alone, just me and God. I began to yell at God and ask him why. The pain I experienced in those first days of finding out was the most devastating thing I had ever gone thru. People say oh he's not cheating if hes only looking, well I felt like another women or thought of another women had entered our marraige bed, I felt violated, raped, used and cheated on. I felt sad sad sad. Probably one of the most devastating things is that I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about this because I did not want my children to find out about this and I didn't want his relationship with them to be changed in any way. They idolize him as did I.
When I married him I thought he was different then most men. My girlfriends say things like (not everyone is married to ward cleaver) some of you won't get that. In other words he was a pretty perfect loving considerate husband and still is. The days that followed were indeed infiltrated with Gods love and care although there was alot of emotions flying around, I think I sad I hate you to my husband several times. We began to have truthful discussions and little by little we began to work through this. I initially wanted to go away and never come back, I believed God had somethings to teach us. Now I've always known that God cares very deeply about our marrages and hates divorces because of the destruction it does, so we began to figure out how to move through this and be healed. I told my husband with Gods help I fogive you. With many hours of discussion and screaming and debating we came up with a plan.
I did not want to read my bible, I did not want to pray, I did not want anything to do with church, all I wanted was my mind and heart back. I had become hard cold and sad, very depressed. In a dark dark place. (although in some wierd way I felt God there with me) We agreed together to do some very practical things. Larry committed to pray for me through out the day and for approximently 18 months he held me up and did the spiritual things I could not do. He read the bible to me each night out load (he read the bible thru to me) Once he went out of town for a fishing trip and called me each night to read the bible so that he would keep his commitment. He decided that we needed to go to a different church so we tryed a new church one sunday and the sermon series was on pure sex, that day the topic was on the lure of sex. The pastor addressed the men and gave very specific direction for men to avoid the lure of the sexual sin. We attended the rest of the series and it was a God send. My husbands problem started through watching television, scrolling through the available channels and just lingering too long on a specific channel. It's so important for all of us not just men to pay attention to what we allow ourselves to see with our eyes, one second look can be that thing that can bring you down. The world we live in is ruled by someone who hates marraige and family and anything good and Godly. We have to be on our guard at all times to protect ourselves and each other from things that can destroy us. If we blow it we must repent and turn away quickly. We must treat sin as if some has a gun to our head fear sin and run as fast as you can from it. It will destroy you if you remain in it. God has guided my husband and I through this very rough and sad sad time and we are not completely healed, I have some really bad days sometimes but they are getting farther and farther apart. Thank God I really thank God that he cared so much for my husband and our marrage that he caused me to find out about this. I wonder what would have happened to my husbands life if God had not intervened. God loves him and does not want him to wander down a road that will distroy him. God has allowed me to see my husband through his eyes and with compassion. My husband is truly sorry truly repentant because he has looked to God for help. At any moment we being human can fail that's why we need to have preset plans to avoid sin. Don't use the computer when your alone. Don't watch television alone. Listen to wholesome things. Don't entertain evil thoughts.
Cast down any imagination that trys to exalt itself above God and his purposes. I constantly battle my mind, I must renew my mind with his word. Anyway I rambled on and on but all from deep inside me true reality. It's been 3 years since all of this happened, things are getting better everyday I still have to be reassured by my husband about things. He wants me to hold him accountable which is done by using xxxchurch program. Awesome accountablity program. I also call from work when hes home alone and ask him what hes doing. He says he needs that. He wants me to trust him again. I'm trying but really God is who we trust in not man. Man will let us down they can't help it they are human but with Gods help they can do better. I am not in anyway taking responsibility for my husbands sin however, I think that I had seen some warning signs that I didn't address at times. We ladies are pretty intune to our husbands I feel like I could have been more sensitive to his needs or looked further into my intuition to help him. I want to be healthy and sexy for him because thats what I'm called to do as a wife. But I am not the reason why he sins, that is between him and his God. God only expects us to take what we are responsible for and that is all. We change for God only if he asks it of us. We do not have to be anything for anybody. People are responsible for there own behavior before God. It feels so good to say that because I at times thought this was all my fault.
Thanks for listening. If anyone would like to ask me any questions or need someone to talk to please respond, I know your pain and I know God has a plan for you to set you free of the pain.

Hi Ladies,
I just want to encourage you all in your struggles. Three months after my husband and I got married he confessed to me that he had been looking at pornography, online and DVDs. I was absolutely devastated and mortified. The fact that he confessed it to me helped a lot and, because I had struggled with the same thing (I became addicted to my dad's porn that he didn't hide very well when I was 7) I forgave him right away - but it kept happening. In fact it got worse and as it got worse his faith started dying. This killed me the most. It got to the point where he would look very often and not tell me (but I always knew anyway). He started to ask for weird things in bed (I wouldn't do any of them because thankfully I am strong, because of my faith I have a high self worth and as soon as I learned about his problem I began reading resources such as "Dealing with Your Husband's Secret Wars" and other books). He wouldn't come to church anymore and would provoke me because of my faith. There were other things and the pain was so bad sometimes (most of the time) that it felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart and was twisting the blade but I wouldn't die. I was even tempted to start cutting myself just to distract myself from my emotional pain. This was where we had arrived after 1.5 married. I loved him and I knew somewhere inside he still loved me (I would see flashes of it every once in a while). I had support and people praying for us. But I also knew I couldn't go on like this. My immune system had gotten so bad from all the stress that I kept getting infections, especially "down there (yeast infections and BV)." These just added to my stress (but thankfully weren't from my husband). It made making love with my husband even more difficult. Sometimes I couldn't do it with him because it hurt emotionally too much and other times it was an act of mercy to him on my part. God gave me the strength to love him through it all. But I did get to the point where I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I came to my husband one day and said, "It stops here or I'm moving away." I said I'd leave for a while and wait for him to follow me when he had made a decision and was ready to show me that he was sincere over the long term. I never did leave because he started trying harder, he was terrified of losing me. But the addition was strong. The breakthrough came when I began more deeply dealing with my own faults (Ladies, the first thing to do when you find our your husband has a problem is give it to God and ask Him what He wants to do with you as well as your husband. Your husband's addiction is not your fault. Losing weight or wearing sexy clothes will not change his problem.) I recognized my contribution to my husband's problem. We opened a door when we were dating and engaged by getting too physical. He wasn't where he was supposed to be with God so it's not my fault in the least that he went back to porn after getting saved but what I did was still sin. I confessed my sin to God, to my pastor and to my husband. Without realizing it my husband had seen me as a hypocrite because I had never really confessed our sin, but rationalized it. Once I confessed it he couldn't rationalize his sin anymore. (This is all very hard to explain. Again I want to reiterate that my sin may have helped him along but ultimately it came from his heart and is fully his responsibility). Once I did this God rushed in. My husband didn't stop looking at porn right away but he came back to church, talked to our pastor and started on the road back home. Our relationship was restored partly, only partly because he was still looking. We've been married 2.5 years now and he still hasn't stopped but it's been getting much less frequent. But over the past few months he's been more open to getting help. He's confessed it to our pastor again and we've begun Christian counseling. He's starting a book and, though at first not willing, is now willing to join a support group. He's come to the point where he hates this more than anything and is willing to do most anything to be free for God, for me and for himself. The last time he's look was last week, July 28th. We wrote it on the bathroom mirror so he can see it everyday. He wants accountability. Our story isn't over yet but with God's help it will be soon. Nothing is impossible for God, even when you're in the valley of the shadow of death - fear no evil. Even when it feels like there is no hope, there is. And it's amazing how in the pain God will get you through, when you're empty He'll fill you just when you need it (which may not be when we want, but through Him we're stronger than we think). Hang in there, Ladies. Give your husband over to God. Stop trying to manipulate him into changing (which I did and it doesn't work). Work on yourself God's way (not the world's way). Get support. Get prayer. Stay connected to other women. Pray. Confess. Read books and other resources. Forgive but don't enable. You don't have to trust him right away. Check up on him. Use tough love (read Dr. Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough). Heal. I wish I could tell you more. Hang in there. God makes beauty from ashes. I'm praying for you.

Oh, something else I'd like to add to my short book post. My husband is a wonderful man who loves God and me. Satan just got the best of him for a while but we beat him and will continue to beat him in Jesus' name.

We are all responsible for our own actions don't get my wrong, I know this better than most. Also I am happily married in fact today is my anniversary.

I am about to make some people really mad and thats o.k. so did Jesus.

The fact is when a relationship is struggling it is almost never a one way street. Sometime when a guy's eyes are wondering or worse it does mean that he is battling with sin alone. Sometimes he is battling with that sin because they are not getting what they need and temptations has taken a foot hold. To boil it down as badly as I can... if Hilary and been under Bill's desk where she had vowed to be, there would have been no room for Monica.

I know, I know this is horrible how can I say that and call my self a pastor. Well the truth hurts and frankly I have met with enough men that are lonely and hurting because there wives place 5, 10, 15 things in front of respecting their husband sexual needs. Before you string me up and beat me with burning torches pick up a copy of some real marriage helps like "Love And Respect" or "Laugh your way to a better marriage".

Sometimes guys are scum bags and need to just grow up and get healed, but sometimes ladies you need to do your jobs and bring the healing.

Don't hate me because I am honest.

I completely agree with Jesse... I am currently a 23y.o. single guy but reading how men's addictions have affected the women in their lives has completely changed my view of my struggle. In all honesty it didn't occur to me (selfishly) that it would have such a huge impact on others, I thought it was just a battle I had to fight by myself for my own purity - I don't know if that's just because I'm still single or because I'm just human and thus self-centred - but as Jesse mentioned, reading your stories gives me strength to fight because I don't want to ever hurt my future wife that way. Thanks for your openness ladies, God bless you

Dear Kirk,

I hear what your saying but also want to say that when a man is addicted to sex their whole sexual drive is affected with their wife. It can go either way: They bring their wife into the addiction and act upon their lusts using her OR they treat her as a perfect goddess and don't want to violate her by making love with her because they feel dirty from what they've done.

I totally agree that as women we need to be willing and open to having intimacy with our husbands, however, our husbands may not be willing to be intimate with us due to their addiction. They may be incompetent (with their wife) or forceful with her. I have walked this walk and was totally confused by my husbands unusual sex drive until I realised what he had been doing. In actual fact, being available, dressing sexy, doing the kinds of things suggested in the 'Love and Respect' book and various others doessn't help. Trying to be 'sexy' for your husband can totally backfire and actually turn into another stab to your self esteem and confidence when you are constantly rejected or objectified into their fantasy world. Used for their pleasures.

Please, I pray you would understand this. So many Godly, respecting women, are accused of not being willing to meet their husbands sex needs, when in actual fact, these women are more than willing. They honour their husband in this when they are being totally dishonoured themselves. The women may even be the ones rejected by their husbands when they approach him for intimate moments.

Yes, there are problems in every relationship. No one is perfect. But a man cannot get healing from their sex addiction through their wife. More sex does not equal healing. Sex addictions are about an unbalanced sexual appetite existing to replace anxieties or fears that a person may not want to deal with - just like drug or alcohol addiction. These root issues need to be dealt with for real healing. A man needs to bring his sexual desires to God, because lets face it, no one has their desires satisfied totally by any other person anyway. God is the only one who can satisfy us.

I do pray that God would give those struggling men you talk about wives who honour and repect them and are there for them. The best thing they can do is pray for their wives - that their wives will draw nearer to Jesus Christ.

Beth

PS I meant impotent with their wives - not incompetent. hehehe!

@Kirk,
Give me a break,
Comments like yours burn me to the core. ESPECIALLY coming from a PASTOR?

I never once denied my husband sexually- not once- ever. Most times I was the one who initiated sex. I worked, cooked, cleaned, tended to his family and mine, I kept myself physically fit and spiritually grounded. He’d come home often to tea lights lining the path to our front door with romantic surprises awaiting him inside. Yet I was not enough. When a man's heart is not surrendered to the Lord, he will be driven and ruled by his flesh. How dare you make a comment like this inSINuating that I am the exception to the rule. That is hogwash and sounds more like a SECULAR OPINION rather than one from a "pastor".

While you may have many men who are coming to you complaining that the reason they are looking elsewhere is because their wives are not attentive- then perhaps you should point them to the Scriptures. No one can blame compromising their integrity on someone else- even if they aren’t getting what they think they deserve. Yes, I am appalled that you call yourself a pastor- but then again I suppose since you prefaced it with the word “jerk” it makes it all OK?

You break our hearts all over again.
I pray you will remove yourself from pastoral leadership if you are not able to lead the women of your flock without such a biased and improper view.

@ Beth,

In your response to Kirk, you said

"Please, I pray you would understand this. So many Godly, respecting women, are accused of not being willing to meet their husbands sex needs, when in actual fact, these women are more than willing. They honour their husband in this when they are being totally dishonoured themselves. The women may even be the ones rejected by their husbands when they approach him for intimate moments."

This was my story and so many women that I work with. Thank you for sharing this perspective. It is obvious that Kirk needs to spend some time reading up on what the wife goes through and what the real deal is with this ugly sin.

This is a reply to Jesse...Sorry it took so long.

I pray that you do not take my comments as rude, but the question that I have is, when Christ commanded us to forgive, "seventy times seven..." What do you think that meant? Sin is sin, and from the perspective of a man some may seem more heinous that others. However, all things that stand in direct disobedience to God, and to His Word are equally condeming. A blatent refusal to forgive is enough to reveal a heart that is not under God's control. Christ loved us when we were unlovely, and that truly is how we are to love others. I am sorry that the idea of continual forgivness seems adverse to you, but it is what God in His Word teaches us and that is what needs to guide our actions, not our emotions.

Kirk,

As a pastor you should know that man's opinion means little without God's Word standing behind it. I would agree with you that women are called to "be submissive to their own husband in everything" and what you have said is probably true in many cases, however not in all cases. As a pastor you should probably remember that it is love that covers a multitude of sins, and that a soft answer is the response that will turn away wrath. To say that a husband's struggle with pornography must be due to a wife withholding sex or disreguarding her husband does not give any Biblical instruction or guidance on a very serious heart issue, it merely shifts the blame. When a person sins, they sin primarily against God...King David, after commiting adultery with Batsheba, and after killing her husband Uriah in a state of repentance makes the statement, "against you alone have I sinned" We sin because we are sinners, a man does not sin because his wife sins, he sins because he is fallen and falls short, likewise, a women does not sin because her husband sins, she sins because she is fallen and falls short. It is true that one person can be a stumbling block for another, and yet it is also true that each man will account for his own actions.

"His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray." Prov. 5:22-23

To Antoinette,

Your comments are by no means rude. Anything that can help bring clarity to an otherwise unclear topic is a good read.
I do understand and agree with your comments, except for when you take the act of forgiving into this particular context. I would like to offer another point of view.

Perhaps take this perspective for a moment: A husband committing adultery in the form of pornography is "lukewarm" in his ways. He is not completely on board the marriage. He is not devoting his entire self to his wife.
It is impacting the entire family.

What is in the heart leads to action. Unfortunately, continuous forgiveness will not prevent or stop that which is in the heart. Jesus' capability to forgive indefinitely and sacrificially is divine. A human being's ability to forgive is not.

Our creator designed us to instinctively protect that which is pure and innocent and to rebuke that which is not. I am not encouraging that we live only by instinct, but in many cases, a wife must also play a mother's role. "To forgive" does not mean "to sacrifice," as that was done by Jesus. The forgiveness you are speaking of will often times come, but only after the damage has taken its toll.

I am not directly giving advice to anyone. I am just hoping to bring clarity to those whom are being manipulated and cheated on every day. Forgiveness and doing something about it are two different things. Forgive no matter what, but it has to change.

To Isabel,

Manipulation is only an escape route for him unfortunately...

To Kirk,

From one man to another: There is no potential for the comment you posted and I'll explain why that is.

"Sometimes guys are scum bags and need to just grow up and get healed, but sometimes ladies you need to do your jobs and bring the healing"

When it comes to pornography, guys are ALWAYS scum bags. Your misinformed conclusions are misleading a lot of people. No movement, action, decoration, or behavior on the wife's part can "bring healing." Only once sin is brought into the light and lifted up to God can it be burned away. This a problem that resides STRICTLY in the heart of man. Temptations are on every magazine, banner, newspaper ad and internet website. The husband needs to make a conscious decision to be strive for a pure heart. The husband needs to develop defensive mentality for anything that comes between him and his wife. If the husband is still looking at pornography, he doesn't hate it enough to stop. He might hate it, but he doesn't hate it ENOUGH.

Something to think about:

The divorce rate has spiked in the past few decades because...

a) men are no longer getting what they need from their wives

b) temptations have increased dramatically (as a part of the demoralization of our nation and the increased influence and accessibility of media)

I will choose "b."

Boy oh boy did I stomp on a flaming bag poop with this one.

I opened my last comment with "everyone is responsible for there own actions" and I don't recall ever justifying or accepting adultery in any form. I am a believer in xxxchurch I have x3 on my computer and require it on my staffs computers as well, because we all need accountability. I Proclaim from the roof tops lust and porn are cancer attacking the body of Christ of this I have no question.

The thing we have to remember is the Bible always always always points to balance. From the garden we see balance destroyed by sin so many closed minded Christians want to blame Eve for the fall of creation, however Adam stood there silent and took part in sin as well.

I am completely unwilling to stand here and support the unbalanced statement that the spouse of someone battling with lust, greed, murder, or any sin is always without fault. Because sometimes they are.

Beth,

I completely agree with you, there are tons of Godly women doing all they can and still being torn apart by their husbands actions. All I am saying is there are a ton that aren't doing all they can. This attitude that says lets show grace to "these" people i.e. the prostitute and the whore of Jesus' time but the porn addicted of today can just go to hell, we have no feeling for him is terrible. Shame on us when we become Pharisees.

If you want to condemn me as a pastor from one blog fine, you can but the judgement falls on you. The people who study under me know they are loved no matter what sin they are struggling with. I am so glad Jesus doesn't judge us like we judge us.

If you found a priceless painting covered in mud would you treat it like mud or a priceless painting and then would you try to scrape the mud off yourself or would you take it to a master with a trained hand?

I know many of you are hurting over this topic my heart was not to add to that hurt. I only want to add balance where I see the scales tipping and they do tip around here.

God Bless YOU ALL.

Kirk the Jerk

Kirk,

I do not condemn you as a pastor. I made no reference to your position in my reply in fact. may your ministry be fruitful and honouring to God. we need pastors who love broken people in all circumstances.

I know my husbands sins are no worse than mine and we both need the love of Jesus Christ to be made pure and righteous. like I said, everyone makes mistakes in relationships. I do not condemn my husband to hell at all, in fact i continue to pray for him and his future walk with God.

However, I do still get the impression you think:
That if a man in marriage is struggling with sexual sin that it must be his wives fault. Am I right in assuming this?

Yes, sometimes the wife could help a man - we are created to be each others helpers. However, she is NOT responsible in any way for his sin.

If she doesn't chose to give her body to her husband on occasion then she is still not to blame if he looks elsewhere, there are no excuses valid for sin. The wife is accountable to God for not honouring her commitment that when you are married your body is to be given freely to your husband as your husbands to yours. One would hope the wife would seek forgiveness from God and her husband in these circumstances.

- Beth

Beth,

I can agree with you wholeheartedly.

There is a problem with men that take the stance of "if the wife would make herself more sexually available, everything would be okay." Their problem is, they are still thinking of THEMSELVES.
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Guys, ask yourselves: when you do porn, how do you think it affects the intimacy between you and your wife? And, if she finds out about it, do you REALLY think she wants you to touch her? No. In fact, your selfish actions can make her feel like a prostitute. Dirty.

To conclude, the wife should not be mentioned as a part of any solution to this problem. This problem is in your own hearts.