AN EMAIL I RECEIVED THIS MORNING

Hey Donny,

I have a HUGE problem. I'm getting married in a month, and my fiancé FOUND MY PICTURES on the internet. He is beside himself. He is hurt and shocked and being that we are supposed to tie the knot in less than a month, I'm freakin suicidal!!! Freakin sick over this....throwing up, cannot sleep at all...I never thought in a million years that would ever happen. How long do those pictures circulate?? I am seriously pissed.

I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life. I am fearful that his friends will see and torture him about it, or the people I work with in the military. (they are all men) I am absolutely SICK over this. I can't eat or sleep and I honestly don't know what to do. I swear to you, I never thought this would happen. I mean, there are a million girls on the freakin internet....why me?! and because you are supposed to be a changed man? into God and everything? please...I need to know that you understand my situation, and find it in your heart to help me. This is destroying me. I know I am 100% responsible for taking the pictures, it's my fault. But it was a long time ago, and I was single and I needed the money. But isn't there anything you can do to please help me now??? This was like 2 or 3 years ago? Why are my pics still on the damned internet???

My military career and soon to be marriage (if he still will) is riding on this. Don't my pictures expire after a certain time? and you just put new ones up? or sell new ones to companies to flush out old girls? I think you can read the desperation in this email.

I am completely desperate (again) at this point Donny and need your help. Can you help me? Please. I need EVERYTHING removed. What can we do? I'll pay you money, anything. PLEASE say you can help me. PLEASE.

Yep, porn is harmless...

Donny wrote on September 23rd 07 at 01:04PM

There is nothing I can do for this girl. Nothing.

:(

Bubba wrote on September 23rd 07 at 04:02PM

When reading something like this it just sickens me to no end how hypocritical our society is. People all over the place are looking at porn. They view porn for their own selfish enjoyment and sinful pleasure. We have CEOs of big corporations who make people sign these morality clauses that they can terminate someone's employment over photos like this. In the meantime, these same CEOs can watch as much porn as they like for life and have no consequences. When someone repents of sin like this there should be forgiveness not condemnation. It sickens me that the people in the porn industry have their lives unfairly ruined because of these types of double standards in our society. It would seem hypocritical to me for the US Government to kick someone out of the military for former involvement in a profession that is legal under US law. Another pressing question this email brings up for me is: How did her fiance find her photos unless he was looking for porn himself?

PHW wrote on September 23rd 07 at 06:23PM

You can find porn without even trying to, unfortunately. Perhaps he was just looking her up online to see what was out there. I often 'google' myself to see what is attached to my name on the internet. Sometimes it's scary; fortunately, it's not porn.

PHW wrote on September 23rd 07 at 06:27PM

Oh, as an aside, the military did 'remove from active duty' a female drill instructor who is/was a reservist for posing in Playboy.

The military has certain standards it demands its people follow. If these pictures are pre-military, she may be ok, depending on the type of activity pictured.

Besides, the military has its own standards. For instance, Adultery is a crime in the military, but civilian law doesn't touch it.

Suricou Raven wrote on September 24th 07 at 12:08AM

Adultery does have a tiny mention in civilian law. Only civil though, not criminal - its grounds for divorce, of the "Everything is mine!" variety.

Porn isn't the problem here. The problem is an over-judgemental society, eager to condemn someone for a matter of no real significence. A previous appearance in porn has no effect on someone's ability to perform their job, yet they get fired anyway. It has no effect on their suitability as a wife, yet the one who wrote to Donny is worried her husband will no longer want her.

As soon as a woman's history in porn comes out, they become damaged goods. Tainted, so others will try to avoid association. Even the military may not take them. There is no rational reason for this at all - its just a collective love of scandal and overreaction, combined with the cultural view that pornography is forbidden.

Dont blame the porn. Blame the people who cant see past it.

Warrior wrote on September 24th 07 at 04:52PM

Welll...

The Only Thing You Can Do For Her Now, Is..Show Her The Love Of God.

Peace My Brother

Steven wrote on September 24th 07 at 07:04PM

Suricou Raven, you are the superficial one. Would you like it if your own wife (and I doubt you have one, judging on ignorant way you talk) POSED for porn? I highly doubt it. And my response to this girl is:

If he truely loves you, he will understand and get over it. He may need some space, but over time it'll get better. Remain blameless, and don't fight back. Defend yourself in a way that is not an offense.

kateelizabeth wrote on September 24th 07 at 07:14PM

It is all in the past, God forgives you for what has happened, and if your fiance loves you in time he will see past this event, and you will be stronger for having learned this now. Everyone makes mistakes, it is how you deal with them that counts.
Love,
Kate.

Adam wrote on September 24th 07 at 11:14PM

Steven, Raven has a very valid point. In this situation the girl did porn and she fully acknowledges that fact. She also is incredibly sorry and remorseful. She has made an apology and is in need of forgiveness not condemnation. Her future husband should forgive her out of love and because it is the one thing she needs most.

Raven's points about societal views of people who have worked in porn especially the girls is a huge problem. We applaud the men. We disown the women unless they happen to be full time, larger than life, ultra rich porn starts like Jenna Jameson and we crush everything for the girl who made a few mistakes in college.

Steven in this is case it is not Raven who wronged but you. You attacked her not her argument. Raven was simply saying that as a society we need to look past people's past and help them and reach to them where they are now and forget and forgive whatever was in her past. You however have done the opposite. You grossly overreacted to her statement and by doing so you not Raven are superficial. You took three paragraphs and tried to define someone.

Holly wrote on September 25th 07 at 08:41AM

So sad, I never thought of how possible situation could be for so many others as well. Hopefully God's grace will prevail in this and if your fiancee loves her, he will forgive her for something she can't change from her past.

Suricou Raven wrote on September 26th 07 at 06:47AM

Thanks, Adam.

alex wrote on September 26th 07 at 12:38PM

Agreeing with Raven here, it's unfortunate that the same society that places women on a pedestal also despises them for doing what a culture of repressed sexuality secretly wants.

A woman poses nude on the internet.
This is not that big of a deal.

To the lady that wrote the email: If you didn't have a problem doing it then, why do you have a problem with it now? You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it, it seems that a large part of the reason why you are so worried is how other people will react to this. Why would you let others judge you? They don't run your life. You do, and you can choose to regret this and make a big deal about it and let it run you down, or you can realize that how you feel is completely under your control and nobody but you can say whether your decisions were right or wrong.

Bubba wrote on September 26th 07 at 06:47PM

Alex:

People do things that they regret all the time. She may have done these photos somewhat reluctantly, but psyched herself into doing them. Also, Not everyone who does porn has a problem with it when they are doing it, but porn takes a toll on people after a while and they come to hate it and what it has done to them.

It's not that she is "letting" other people judge her. When people judge you there is no way to stop them from doing so. We all make our own judgments. No one can stop anyone from judging someone else. It doesn't make it right. It's just the way things are.

It is easy to tell someone else how to feel about this, but unless you've had a similar experience like this I don't think it is realistic or fair to tell her not to be concerned over how other people will react to this. She is in a lot of pain right now obviously. We should pray for her and show her unconditional love, but we should also validate her feelings concerning this very unfortunate situation.

Caleb wrote on September 27th 07 at 09:45PM

"No one can stop anyone from judging someone else. It doesn't make it right. It's just the way things are." I'm not singling you out, I'm just using the most easily accessible quote.

Anyway, what I want to say is that saying that something is wrong isn't a sin. Far from it, actually. It helps us sharpen each other and provides the groundwork for a constructive discussion.

Also, her fiancee has every right to feel hurt. He undoubtedly loves her a lot and wants to be her husband. However, one of the things that I have learned over the past few months has been that we're told to live for a spouse, whether we're actually married or not, all the days of our lives. Prob 31 says that explicitly, and in the context of God's plan respecting and loving someone shouldn't be a fair weather thing.

Adagmail.comm wrote on September 28th 07 at 08:48AM

No problem Raven.

Bubba wrote on September 29th 07 at 08:15PM

Caleb:

Thanks for your valuable input. I definitely do not see anything wrong with calling sin sin. I agree completely that accountability helps to provide the groundwork for constructive discussions and much much more.

I agree that her fiance' has every right to feel hurt. I hope he sticks by her though and continues to respect and love her despite her past.

I also think it is too easy for people who have never done porn before to tell someone that has how to feel about what they've done even though they have no idea what it feels like themselves. It is easy to tell someone to get over something like this when you aren't going through what they are going through yourself.

NUK3 wrote on October 4th 07 at 07:29AM

Actually, there is something that could be done.

There might be a white-hat (legal hacker) that could be willing to erase the photos from the server. It's kinda' a long shot, but it might be worth a try.

I think her last sentence is very true...meaning in the context that she's using it. It's sad how often we look at something as harmless. Then when we get involved in them, we see the snake for what it really is.

I pray that there will be a solution for her.

Suricou Raven wrote on October 4th 07 at 11:43AM

"There might be a white-hat (legal hacker) that could be willing to erase the photos from the server. It's kinda' a long shot, but it might be worth a try."

Nope. If the photos are profitable, they will be on backups. Not to mention in the personal stashes of hundreds or even thousands of fans and collectors, who are all quite willing to share their favourite pics with friends. And many of those will have their collection shared on p2p networks.

Bubba wrote on October 6th 07 at 07:01PM

NUK3,

I will pray that there will be a solution for her as well.

Suricou,

There are many things that might be profitable that are evil. If child pornography were profitable would you become apathetic about trying to stop the spread of it? Would you use the same argument for apathy in reference to child pornography when you say:

"If the photos are profitable, they will be on backups. Not to mention in the personal stashes of hundreds or even thousands of fans and collectors, who are all quite willing to share their favorite pics with friends. And many of those have their collection shared on p2p networks."?

I would hope that you would not use this same type of argument for apathy in regard to child porn as I am sure there are plenty of people illegally sharing these types of photos and videos on p2p networks. I would hope that you would still want the material removed from as many servers and websites as possible and from any computers and anywhere they were found on backups even if there was no way to be sure that no one anywhere had any copies left in there personal collection.

The Dude wrote on October 6th 07 at 09:59PM

I think Suricou is just stating the facts. While I would be glad if a hacker deleted the files from the server it would be absolutely illegal to do so. And it would not solve the problem, because there are any number of backups etc as already mentioned. I think we'd all like the material to be removed, it just not that simple though.

Suricou Raven wrote on October 7th 07 at 12:21AM

I was just stating the facts. If data is in demand, then once made public it cannot be withdrawn from circulation. It can, with difficulty, be made more difficult or dangerous to obtain. But never impossible.

pete wrote on October 7th 07 at 10:04AM

Perhaps her fiance isn't the one!!! The only way through this is going to be her relationship with GOD!!Is this girl saved now? She needs to tell people "that was me then, do you want to know who I am now, with the strength of Jesus!" There is only one saving grace!!!

Bubba wrote on October 7th 07 at 01:08PM

Like you said Suricou it can, with difficulty, be made more difficult to obtain. In cases like this one this is what should be done. Why should we be protecting the freedom of speech rights of an individual who is not in the photos? The one in the photos is the one who exercised her freedom of speech rights when she posed for them. If you are going to be able to defend pornography with the freedom of speech argument, consequently you have to defend the ones in the photos rights to have them removed when they want them removed.

Suricou Raven wrote on October 8th 07 at 12:30AM

Doesn't work at a legal argument, Bubba. Freedom of speech is narrow than that - it protects the freedom to speak or publish, and thats it. It doesn't provide any right to avoid being spoken off - and such a thing would be far too easy to abuse. I can imagine a lot of celebrities taking legal action against anyone who publishes embarassing photos, and this situation is exactly the same.

If you were to base your argument on a right to privacy, you might be able to make it work.

Or, if the porn company contact wasn't extensive enough, its barely possible she still holds the copyright to her own image. Any competant company would have a lawyer to make sure she gave that one up (Its not a sneaky thing: Even wedding photographers do it so they can use their photos in advertising). But if its a tiny company, they might have overlooked that. In which case a few DMCA infringement notices may be enough to get the photos taken down from the more public places.

Bubba wrote on October 8th 07 at 08:56PM

I would not consider pornography someone being spoken of. I would consider pornography exploitation. This situation, pornography, is not always exactly the same as embarrassing photos. I find a lot of hypocrisy in the fact that pornographers have attorneys write contracts in order to make sure they always have the rights to the material regardless of how those in the material feel about it.

jesse wrote on October 9th 07 at 11:37AM

you could pray for her, and talk to her, but I guess you don't want to.

and I guess she won't get a good opinion of Christians either

Suricou Raven wrote on October 10th 07 at 12:25AM

"I find a lot of hypocrisy in the fact that pornographers have attorneys write contracts in order to make sure they always have the rights to the material regardless of how those in the material feel about it."

Dont be too surprised. Every movie studio, tv producer, record label and publisher does exactly the same. Its too much of an investment to risk letting one person render it all unusable years in the future. Why should porn companies be any different? Making porn is an investment, and they dont want to risk losing it all just because one of the actors caught religion.

She agreed to the contract. She knew what she was getting into. All she can do now is try to put it behind her.

caesar honeybee wrote on October 10th 07 at 02:12AM

I read the dilemma. I understand the problem. Something glares at me.

"I know I am 100% responsible for taking the pictures, it’s my fault. But it was a long time ago, and I was single and I needed the money."

True remorse isn't indicated here based on the justification for the offense (i.e. "I needed the money") and that is the real problem. It seems the person is remorseful because she got caught and it is now threatening to ruin her life. Ask yourself this: Were you remorseful before your pictures were discovered? Were you having trouble eating before he found them? Could you live with yourself just fine when no one really knew? Or did you long ago repent in sackcloth and ashes? This situation is a BLESSING-a chance to resolve. Sometimes the bone has to be re-broken in order to set it so that it heals properly. Is it better that this comes out now, or 5 years from now after you have a couple of kids?
My advice is this: do not attempt to justify your actions. Don't predict or pontificate on how your significant other should be handling this situation. Submit to the consequences of your actions willingly, and with dignity. Apologize to any affected, Make restitution where applicable, pray for forgiveness, and turn away from the sin.
You were like that then, but the real question is, have you changed? If you have and he can't see that you are a different person now, then he may be just a little too superficial to love you and your kids unconditionally, the way he will need to.

Bubba wrote on October 10th 07 at 06:44AM

Suricou,

I am not surprised by this at all. It's been going on a long, long time. My question is who makes a bigger investment:

The Porn Producer or the Porn Actor?

I would have to say by far the Porn Actor. Those who are in the porn pay a much higher price for their actions psychologically, socially, physically and monetarily.

I am also sure that there are a lot of people who regret doing porn for other reasons than just "catching religion". If you think that is all this is about then you are missing the point. Also, not all people doing porn know what they are getting into. Many of them are young and do not think about the permanency of their consequences. How can you tell her to try to put it behind her, but at the same time defend the right of the owner of her material to keep publishing it against her will?

dcetrox wrote on October 10th 07 at 12:35PM

If rules/laws are broken, there are consequences in this world, even in the famiy of God. However, in the His family, we are given and need to give grace. But there is no grace where there is no law. And laws mean consequences. I don't mean this to sound so cold. But that's what each of us face in this life. Yes we all make mistakes, yes there are hypocrites everywhere, but that still doesn't cancel out earthly consequences. Our only hope is Christ, living with us as live through our earthly consequences, saving us from eternal one, and giving us a fresh start in him each moment, and kindling hope in us of a new world one day.

Suricou Raven wrote on October 11th 07 at 04:33PM

Unless, of course, the whole of christianity is just fiction.

Not even well-written fiction.

nimrand wrote on October 14th 07 at 04:28PM

Dcetrox and ceasar,

And what are the consequences for the men who consume porn? Such an offense is just as sinful. If a man made a few mistakes and used pornography in college, his mistake would have no affect on him years down the road. In most cases, men who actively use porn really don't see any earthly consequences, especially if he isn't married. Yet, the woman's mistake may haunt her the rest of her life.

The fact is that the idea of using legal arguments or hacking to remove this woman's pictures from the Internet just aren't realistic, as much as I wish it were otherwise. But, we should do what we can. One thing we can do is to show her compassion, rather than judgement. She already knows what she did was a mistake, there's no point in rubbing her nose in it. The greater evil in all this is the double-standard regarding sex in our society that in most circumstances degrades women, and we should stand firmly against the societal view that judges women who have posed for pornography, and especially those who are repentant.