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PORN IS HARMLESS, RIGHT?
Last night I was sitting at my computer alone in my room. I decided to click on iTunes and listen to some music. My iCal is directly beside the icon for iTunes and I accidentally clicked it instead. I haven't opened it for a long time. Since I was producing porn, to be exact. I now use Google Calendar instead.
In iCal I have a "to do's" list. On that list is a "Model Callback List" where I used to write the name and number of all of the girls who'd call my newpaper ads. I'd also write down the names and numbers of referrals as well. There are literally hundreds of names on this list. I started scrolling through it.
A few of them popped out at me. I decided to type their names into MySpace search and see if I could find a profile for them. These particular names are girls with whom I had a pretty good rapport, almost a friendship, when they were working with me. I decided to tell them what's happened in my life. I wanted to apologize to them for getting them involved in the adult business, regardless of whether or not they were upset about being involved. It just seems like the right thing to do.
The name of a model from more than 5 years ago popped up. She had a MySpace profile. I sent her a message and requested an add to her friends list. I wanted my first message to be light hearted and simple. And short. I'd apologize later. I wrote:
Hey _______ ... How are ya?
This morning I woke up. Here was her reply (click here for the screenshot):
Hello Donny,
I'm sorry, but I can't be your friend. People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it. I need to forget about it and move on. That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you. You're more than welcome to write me, etc...I just can't have you on my friends list. I'm very sorry and hope you understand.
Thanks,
_____
All this girl did was pose for nude photos. She didn't have sex with another person. She posed. For photos.
Earlier today I posted a very short version of this story on my personal blog. I then posted a myspace bulletin to invite some of those on my friend's list to read it. That resulted in a discussion between me and an acquaintance of mine who used to hang out with me when I did work for Playboy. This girl asked:
When you look at this story, what contributed more to her nearly suicidal depression? The nude pictures she posed for or the judgmental assholes (her supposed freinds) who made her feel like less than dirt for doing it?
I have not spoken to this model to ask what made her want to kill herself. There are lots of possible scenarios, too numerous to think of.
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Let's imagine one (this is based on something that really DID happen with another girl who modeled for me):
A girl is very close to her father. A pure daddy's girl. She's the apple of his eye. He dotes on her all her life. She goes to college and he's proud as can be. He's busting his buttons.
She meets a guy named Donny who offers her more money for a few hours work than she can make in 2 weeks at Starbucks, working lots and lots of hours. After thinking about it for several days, she goes for it.
Weeks later she's home visiting her father. Something's wrong but she doesn't know what it might be. She can't put a finger on it. Daddy says nothing.
What she doesn't know is that one evening after daddy had put in a hard day of overtime, trying to make more money to pay for his baby's schooling, he was ready to go home and relax in front of the TV with a cold beer in hand. But first he has to give his good friend a ride home.
He and his buddy are walking to the car and he notices something under the windshield wiper, left there by some anonymous person. He has no idea what it is, but he's curious. As he picks it up, with his buddy looking over his shoulder, he realizes it's his little girl. His amazing daughter. Smiling and wearing nothing, with her legs open and a porn site URL branded in between them.
He's humiliated and his heart is broken, but he loves her and doesn't want to tell her about it. He decides to let it pass, but he's not a very good actor and his little girl knows something's wrong. She asks her mom. Her mom tells her about the anonymous "gift".
She feels so much shame. She let her father down. She embarassed him in front of his friend, and who knows who else? After all, nobody's come forward to claim laying the photo on his windshield. For all she knows, her whole hometown has seen those photos.
It hurts her even worse to realize that he's killing himself inside not wanting to talk to her about it. She knows he's only doing so because he doesn't want to embarrass her by making her look him in the eye if he were to confront her with it.
He has no idea that she is aware of what happened. Her heart breaks every time she sees him trying to pretend everything is okay.
She wants to die. How could she have disappointed him like this?
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I'm not saying that's what's happened in this case. But it has happened to models I've worked with. That, and worse (one girl even had the "honor" of her nudes posted on trees at the school she attended). And this isn't the only model that's contemplated suicide. One former model of mine actually attempted it. I was still in the industry and shrugged it off when someone told me about it. I figured, as did my MySpace messaging friend, that it was the problem of those in her life who are way too judgmental. It wasn't MY problem.
But how long can an honest person keep that attitude? Seriously, now.
To the message sent to me by this model, I replied:
...I realize how much I was hurting people. I now travel and speak to people all across the country, hoping to make them see the realities of porn. Hoping to make them see that real lives are destroyed by it. Hoping to make them realize that it really isn't something that is just harmless fun. I don't want to take away anyone's rights to consume it by any means, but I want them to see the full picture before they decide to do so. I want them to see that even if they are consumers of porn, they help destroy lives. Like yours.
Supply and demand: if there was no demand, you and I wouldn't make money producing the supply.
I just wanted to tell you I am sorry. I never told you that. But I really am. I was very ignorant as to how much this hurt people. I thought of myself and my own agendas above you and the other girls we involved. Yes, you made your own choice, as did the others, but I put it out there for you to choose. I really am sorry _____.
She read the message but hasn't replied. I can only hope she accepts my apology.
Who's daughter are you looking at when you're spanking it to porn? Who's niece? Did she want to commit suicide after filming the scene you're watching, or the photos you're browsing?
God, I hope not.
Michael wrote on June 26th 07 at 01:36AM
Donny -
Great post and a great reminder that porn has consequences - and it isn't a victimless "sin."
I remember the last time I went to a strip joint. The girl I "befriended" - I will never forget. Her eyes where so lifeless and hollow - empty and dead. I felt so sick because I participated in deadening her soul.
As your process and reflecting on your past life remember that Jesus loves you.
Michael
www.the-confessions-of-a-porn-addict.blogspo
Great post and a great reminder that porn has consequences - and it isn't a victimless "sin."
I remember the last time I went to a strip joint. The girl I "befriended" - I will never forget. Her eyes where so lifeless and hollow - empty and dead. I felt so sick because I participated in deadening her soul.
As your process and reflecting on your past life remember that Jesus loves you.
Michael
www.the-confessions-of-a-porn-addict.blogspo
AaronM wrote on June 26th 07 at 01:51AM
Jesus H. Christ.
John & Jennifer wrote on June 26th 07 at 03:00AM
^-- What he said --^
John & Jennifer wrote on June 26th 07 at 03:05AM
^-- I second that!
Suricou Raven wrote on June 26th 07 at 10:30AM
As the only porn I look at is expliclt artwork, no camera involved, this doesn't really apply to me... :>
Sean wrote on June 26th 07 at 08:00PM
I realize that it is popular to make porn addicts the villain on this site.
I don't think people get how it is people's issues that get them addicted to masturbation, which is done with porn. I realize I am responsible for my problem, I know this- but I am the freakin addict! The models may be abused by the prudish people in their lives, but what I am guessing they don't care about is the life of the addict who loses his marraige or job because of the porn, which mixed with masturbation is an extremely addictive combination.
I'm sorry, Donny, but people who abuse porn don't need more guilt. They need healing. I don't think the majority of your listeners need to feel more shame for looking at porn- they need to be healed of shame and helped. Don't blame the addicts for the problem- blame their issues...
I don't think people get how it is people's issues that get them addicted to masturbation, which is done with porn. I realize I am responsible for my problem, I know this- but I am the freakin addict! The models may be abused by the prudish people in their lives, but what I am guessing they don't care about is the life of the addict who loses his marraige or job because of the porn, which mixed with masturbation is an extremely addictive combination.
I'm sorry, Donny, but people who abuse porn don't need more guilt. They need healing. I don't think the majority of your listeners need to feel more shame for looking at porn- they need to be healed of shame and helped. Don't blame the addicts for the problem- blame their issues...
Jeff wrote on June 27th 07 at 06:28AM
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...as though caricatures of nude chicks are somehow different than the real thing.
Good post, Donny.
Good post, Donny.
Space Welch wrote on June 27th 07 at 02:48PM
In response to Sean:
Although I've never been addicted to porn specifically, I have been addicted to sin.
The Word of God points out that sexual sin is the most personally damaging, whether you're the one looking or the one showing (1 Corin. 6:18).
My suggestion to those who have attempted repentance from any form of sin and feel incompotent is ... Repentance is not simply stopping sinning, but rather putting on righteousness. I had an issue that lasted for 7.5 years after following Christ... for so long that I doubted that I could really even be a christian, since deliverance seemed impossible. Finally, it occurred to me that I was attempting to put off sin, without putting on Christ. I realized that I could find the antedote to my dilema in the book of Galatians, so I sat down and read through Gal. 5 or 6 times in a row. That was how God delivered me. 2 Tim. 3:16 points to the fact that Scripture helps teach, reprove, correct and train us in righteousness. So, my suggestion is that the next time you "feel the urge" to sin in such a way, instead saturate your mind with the Word of God, specifically with verses that point out how agonizing and damaging sexual sin is.
Donny, thanks, bro! I am so thankful for the insight that God's given you and the way that you are using it to glorify Him and help others!
space
Although I've never been addicted to porn specifically, I have been addicted to sin.
The Word of God points out that sexual sin is the most personally damaging, whether you're the one looking or the one showing (1 Corin. 6:18).
My suggestion to those who have attempted repentance from any form of sin and feel incompotent is ... Repentance is not simply stopping sinning, but rather putting on righteousness. I had an issue that lasted for 7.5 years after following Christ... for so long that I doubted that I could really even be a christian, since deliverance seemed impossible. Finally, it occurred to me that I was attempting to put off sin, without putting on Christ. I realized that I could find the antedote to my dilema in the book of Galatians, so I sat down and read through Gal. 5 or 6 times in a row. That was how God delivered me. 2 Tim. 3:16 points to the fact that Scripture helps teach, reprove, correct and train us in righteousness. So, my suggestion is that the next time you "feel the urge" to sin in such a way, instead saturate your mind with the Word of God, specifically with verses that point out how agonizing and damaging sexual sin is.
Donny, thanks, bro! I am so thankful for the insight that God's given you and the way that you are using it to glorify Him and help others!
space
Chad summers wrote on June 28th 07 at 12:05PM
Donny,
Not surer if you or the guys have seen this, but there is a new book out by a former porn director and it seems to be gaining a great deal of attention. It's sad that it's now come to this, a best selling book about how to break into the sex business. I wonder, just how many lives are going to be ruined because of this crap??? I hate this as it's going to send more and more young men into this world of sexual abuse and slavery.
Not surer if you or the guys have seen this, but there is a new book out by a former porn director and it seems to be gaining a great deal of attention. It's sad that it's now come to this, a best selling book about how to break into the sex business. I wonder, just how many lives are going to be ruined because of this crap??? I hate this as it's going to send more and more young men into this world of sexual abuse and slavery.
Sean wrote on June 28th 07 at 07:54PM
Hey Space Welch...
I realize you mean well. I am convinced, though, that there is no simple solution to my addiction.
Part of the problem is the problem of pain- pain so deep that it takes great amount of healing to recover from. Telling people that reading the word every time you have the urge is only a bandaid, not real healing. So while reading the Bible might help, it isn't the whole solution.
As I am writing this, before I came to this site and read your post, I had a Bible in my lap and I was dealing with temptation. So I already knew about your solution... but it only half works.
I realize you mean well. I am convinced, though, that there is no simple solution to my addiction.
Part of the problem is the problem of pain- pain so deep that it takes great amount of healing to recover from. Telling people that reading the word every time you have the urge is only a bandaid, not real healing. So while reading the Bible might help, it isn't the whole solution.
As I am writing this, before I came to this site and read your post, I had a Bible in my lap and I was dealing with temptation. So I already knew about your solution... but it only half works.
Sean wrote on June 28th 07 at 08:01PM
One more thing.
I am tired of advice. Advice is why I see a therapist. Why is it everyone thinks they can fix my life with advice? That is so irritating...
I am tired of advice. Advice is why I see a therapist. Why is it everyone thinks they can fix my life with advice? That is so irritating...
Max wrote on June 30th 07 at 04:05AM
People give advice because they want to help you, and because it gives them a feeling of being in control of the issue. If you only do X, Y or Z, everything will be OK. Not giving advice is much more disstressing for people as than they have to see often there is not a direct or quick solution. Really getting into contact with the one addicted means getting into contact with the pain and hopelessness. It is a tricky thing, porn addiction.
I feel that it helps to be compassionate with myself, see my urge to masturbate for what it is, an attempt to flee from negative feelings, pain etc. Sometimes this helps me to look at the feelings and experience them instead of masturbating. Sometimes I still fall into temptation/ That hurts, but I try to be compassionate with myself and pick up the pieces. Step by step I feel better. I have experienced though that really cutting the porn out of my life is the quickest way to shifting my perspective. Get a porn filter, or a service that reports all your surfing to a loved one. Or else get rid of your computer, only do internet in public places or with a loved one next to you.
Taking away the "drug" brings you back to what you are trying to escape. And it turns out to be quite OK to be with myself, much better than being a zombie, living-dead...
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for the site, it is consoling to read stories of people with the same situation.
I feel that it helps to be compassionate with myself, see my urge to masturbate for what it is, an attempt to flee from negative feelings, pain etc. Sometimes this helps me to look at the feelings and experience them instead of masturbating. Sometimes I still fall into temptation/ That hurts, but I try to be compassionate with myself and pick up the pieces. Step by step I feel better. I have experienced though that really cutting the porn out of my life is the quickest way to shifting my perspective. Get a porn filter, or a service that reports all your surfing to a loved one. Or else get rid of your computer, only do internet in public places or with a loved one next to you.
Taking away the "drug" brings you back to what you are trying to escape. And it turns out to be quite OK to be with myself, much better than being a zombie, living-dead...
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for the site, it is consoling to read stories of people with the same situation.
Sean wrote on July 3rd 07 at 09:25PM
Yeah, part of the problem with advice on the internet is that one does not really know who the person on the other end is. The person on the other end may even be further advanced in the kingdom, may have more difficult problems, may be working hard to solve them, etc. I think it is polite to ask the other party if advice would be desirable.
Let's just say that I have done everything you have said and there is still a problem. I don't want to go into details, because this isn't a private conversation.
Max, if you would like to talk I can be reached at zNOSPAMEVERlatnik@gmail.com. I can there explain what I mean by "I have done everything you have said and there is still a problem." Still not necessarily looking for advice though...
Let's just say that I have done everything you have said and there is still a problem. I don't want to go into details, because this isn't a private conversation.
Max, if you would like to talk I can be reached at zNOSPAMEVERlatnik@gmail.com. I can there explain what I mean by "I have done everything you have said and there is still a problem." Still not necessarily looking for advice though...
Lucas wrote on July 9th 07 at 04:48AM
The blog doesn't mention it, but way back in the day girls were concerned about their "reputation." Throwing it away wasn't smart.
The internet helps to make things less personal. As a result, porn can make more money in less time. On the other hand, a girl can sell herself out to more people in less time.
The internet helps to make things less personal. As a result, porn can make more money in less time. On the other hand, a girl can sell herself out to more people in less time.
Nick wrote on July 13th 07 at 03:28PM
I agree that what addicts need is for people to love them and show them the grace of God. However, I also know that one of the most powerful things in my own life has been the testimony of ex-porn models.
The gravity of the activity is suddenly so apparent, all the fantasy evaporates and the reality sinks in. When a real person, someone's daughter, someone's sister is weeping because of it, glorious clarity fills the mind and makes recovery seem both more necessary and less difficult.
The gravity of the activity is suddenly so apparent, all the fantasy evaporates and the reality sinks in. When a real person, someone's daughter, someone's sister is weeping because of it, glorious clarity fills the mind and makes recovery seem both more necessary and less difficult.
Hunter wrote on July 20th 07 at 12:55AM
"I want them to see that even if they are consumers of porn, they help destroy lives. Like yours."
That hurts. I'm mad...at myself. I started looking at it..that stuff...for seven or more years. To think I have help destroy the lives of those models because I added to the demand and furthermore I destroyed my innocense, their innocense, my purity, their purity for seven years is saddening and numbing and devastating.
As the Apostle Paul said, "I do what I shouldn't do and don't do what I should do." I did that for seven years and I continue to do that sometimes but I'm slowly getting out of that addiction by getting more into God's Word through going to two Bible studies and my own personal study and spending time with some good Christian friends.
I used to think that looking at porn was just harmless fun, but I later realized that it isn't. I found out that it has killed me spiritually and other ways. And from looking into XXXChurch.com by going to their website and listening to their podcasts and reading your website a few times and reading your Myspace bulletins, I have seen the bad side of porn and have been shown what's on the other side of the fantasy of porn.
I listened to Shelley Lubben's interview on a XXXChurch podcast one time and it scared me away from porn for a short time until that drug kicked back in. I still can't get over what you said about the consumers of porn creating the demand for the mistreatment of the female models in the porn industry. To think that I contributed to that is painful. I helped keep the porn industry flowing by adding to the demand makes me angry at myself. And to hear the stories of the models who were negatively affected by their involvement in the industry adds to that self-anger.
Porn is a plague to all in more ways than one.
Keep up the good fight against it. May your new life be a blessing to others who struggle with porn and want to and need to get out of it. It's been a blessing to me.
That hurts. I'm mad...at myself. I started looking at it..that stuff...for seven or more years. To think I have help destroy the lives of those models because I added to the demand and furthermore I destroyed my innocense, their innocense, my purity, their purity for seven years is saddening and numbing and devastating.
As the Apostle Paul said, "I do what I shouldn't do and don't do what I should do." I did that for seven years and I continue to do that sometimes but I'm slowly getting out of that addiction by getting more into God's Word through going to two Bible studies and my own personal study and spending time with some good Christian friends.
I used to think that looking at porn was just harmless fun, but I later realized that it isn't. I found out that it has killed me spiritually and other ways. And from looking into XXXChurch.com by going to their website and listening to their podcasts and reading your website a few times and reading your Myspace bulletins, I have seen the bad side of porn and have been shown what's on the other side of the fantasy of porn.
I listened to Shelley Lubben's interview on a XXXChurch podcast one time and it scared me away from porn for a short time until that drug kicked back in. I still can't get over what you said about the consumers of porn creating the demand for the mistreatment of the female models in the porn industry. To think that I contributed to that is painful. I helped keep the porn industry flowing by adding to the demand makes me angry at myself. And to hear the stories of the models who were negatively affected by their involvement in the industry adds to that self-anger.
Porn is a plague to all in more ways than one.
Keep up the good fight against it. May your new life be a blessing to others who struggle with porn and want to and need to get out of it. It's been a blessing to me.
Griever wrote on July 21st 07 at 06:17PM
May God heal our broken souls. Thanks Donny for everything you're doing and trying to do. I hope God grants you peace and the strength to continue.
Robby wrote on July 24th 07 at 01:45PM
The truth spoken on this web site is amazing. Keep it up.
Karen wrote on July 25th 07 at 09:41AM
Ho Donny,
I forgive you.And I love you very much in Christ.And I am praying for you and your family and I pray that you persevere. I know you will gain victory over this and we are with you all the way.
In-Christ,
with His love
I forgive you.And I love you very much in Christ.And I am praying for you and your family and I pray that you persevere. I know you will gain victory over this and we are with you all the way.
In-Christ,
with His love
Ernie wrote on July 26th 07 at 01:10PM
It's about time that people are rising up to fight against the biggest and strongest bondage in this country; porn. I see a new revolution. I see millions of lives being freed from the slavery of porn.
Donny, your work is extremely important. Don't get discouraged by people's words and foolish comments. I know your gaze is on your God!
Donny, your work is extremely important. Don't get discouraged by people's words and foolish comments. I know your gaze is on your God!
David wrote on August 2nd 07 at 06:24PM
Good post. I believe that for all of us, most especially those of us who are addicts, the most essential step in recovery is to admit that we have a problem. It's hard to admit that when we don't recognize the harm that our problem causes. So, where the problem is porn, recovery requires us to get rid of the ridiculous notion that it is all harmless "fun". It's easy to forget that the women who appear in these videos are human beings, created in the image of God, and that they have real feelings, and may face real shame as a result of our contributions to the industry. Thanks for the reminder.
Kyle. wrote on August 4th 07 at 11:15PM
I understand that hollow feeling inside when you realise that porn really doesn't make you happy, not even for a little bit.
They never put that in the title of a porn site!
They never put that in the title of a porn site!
John wrote on August 6th 07 at 05:26AM
Porn is the worst sh.. in the world. I started looking when I was probably 6 or 7. I'm 37. I'm still enticed. I'm certain that porn is not my addiction. It is far worse than that. I still jump on and off the waggon. I don't plan my jumps. I am sober a little while and then I want to be drunk again, drunk meaning bathed in the neurochemical high attained by having orgasm. That is what I am hooked on. Yeah my post is confusing and contradictory. This is my brain on neurochemical high. Any questions as to weather porn is bad.. try rereading my post a few times and then answer that question.
Dom wrote on December 9th 07 at 08:06PM
This is my first time on this site and it really does help a lot.. I always knew porn was "bad," but honestly, I'm not in that guity state yet. I know it sounds wierd but this really helps give me some perspective. I just saw Seans post and wanted to add that
