Casual Sex: The ULTIMATE Oxymoron
I have absolutely no excuse for what I did. Last night, as I was channel surfing, I found myself riding the disturbingly intriguing reality series finale wave of VH-1’s “Rock of Love 2”. Yes, yes, feel free to be totally disappointed in me because without a doubt that 1 ½ hours of time that I will never get back proved the point that Richard P. Adler once made: “All television is children’s television.” It wasn’t food or even a snack for thought.
Or was it?
As I watched two women who only knew this rocker dude, Bret Michaels for a few weeks, it was fascinating to see them fight to the death to be his “one true love” (I mean, can you even get to know a person enough to like them in a few weeks?) As they swapped slob and shared bedrooms with him and each other (give or take a few levels of intimacy), all the while giving him whatever he wanted in hopes that he would make them his final decision (his choice was Ambre and already there are reports that she doesn’t quite fit the bill, by the way), I couldn’t help but think of how he continued to describe his pseudo connection with the women in “his house” a “spiritual” one. It also confirmed why I don’t really find peace in people who say, “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual” because after all, the devil is a spirit. I really would prefer it if you were more specific.
Anyway, of course, it would be easy to judge these women, but as I watched them crying as he gave this drawn out speech (for the benefit of the producers, I’m sure), before announcing his decision, I found myself actually pitying and empathizing with them. No, I have never been on a reality dating show, but I do know what it’s like to compete for a man’s affection; I know what’s it’s like to get caught up in someone I barely even know (you can’t really know anyone in a few weeks or month’s time, sorry), and I know what it’s like to give myself to him in hopes that I will win him over.
It’s such a sick game to play.
Thankfully, I found some reading material to purge all of the foolishness out of my psyche. As I was in bed reading the ‘Eden Defiled…And Redeemed” chapter out of Tim Alan Gardner’s “Sacred Sex” book, I came up on a few lines about what Bret, those women and I had become victims (and victimizers) of: casual sex.
“Casual sex is by definition meaningless sex. It’s a misdirected attempt to solve loneliness or seek wholeness. It will always leave you empty. But sex with an understanding of its true meaning and experienced within God’s boundaries will leave you fulfilled and feeling loved. The contrast between the two couldn’t be more dramatic….by waiting, you’ll also miss out on all the collateral damage that comes with crossing the boundaries. All sexual activity outside God’s design damages your life. I have yet to meet a couple who has said, ‘You know, I’m so glad we slept around before we got married.’ I haven’t even had a couple tell me, ‘We’re glad we slept with each other before we got married. We have no regrets.’ But I’ve had many talks at length about their regret, their pain, and the damage that having sex outside of God’s parameters caused them. Even if it’s not a case of promiscuity, sex before marriage is damaging. Always.”
So why do so many of us do it? No, not even that. Why do so many of us fight for the right to be able to do it? To abuse ourselves and violate others?
Just today, I was reading a New York Times article on a woman by the name of Laura Sessions Stepp who released a book a little over a year ago entitled, “Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both”. Although it got a lot of attention, it appears that it received mixed reviews. Her book, a two-year study on nine young women ages 15-21, was written to prove “how smart, ambitious young women do emotional damage to themselves by getting physical — making out to having sex — with men they are not dating or may have met for the first time.”
Salon.com called it, “a 50s-style handbook on appropriate femininity.” Slate Magazine said it “makes sex into a bigger, scarier and more dangerous thing than it already is.” And a reviewer for the Washington Post wrote that it “resurrects the ugly, old notion of sex as something a female gives in return for a male’s good behavior.” And, what was Mrs. Stepp’s ultimate conclusion? “Real power is not giving it away, but using it wisely,” Ms. Sessions Stepp said. “That’s when you’re liberated, really.”
Real power is not giving it away, but using it wisely. Brings a whole ‘nother meaning to not casting pearls before swine and the truth making you free, doesn’t it? (Matthew 7:6, John 8:32) Perhaps this is what the Bible means when it speaks of “worldly wisdom”. (I Corinthians 3:19) Why have we gotten to a point that, like those women on the Rock of Love, we want to fight for the right, not just to do whatever we want when we want, but to treat or be treated so lightly, so frivolously…so casually?
I mean, whether you’re a Bible believer or not, shouldn’t there be something in you that finds the act of sharing bodily fluids and genitalia to be, at the very least, special and at the very most, sacred? We sit in class, go to work, share church pews with people every week that we are hesitant to even hug and yet a guy (or gal) hollers at us in a club, in the grocery store, at a gas station and suddenly, we become stars in our own low-budget whacked-out reality drama. Two weeks, three dates, six months later and he (or she) becomes worthy gettin’ the goods? Really?
You know, sometimes you can live life in a bubble and if you’re not careful, something (usually life) can happen to burst it. So, as I came to my “More people are than aren’t engaging in casual sex and it can’t be good” conclusion, I decided to look up some stats to support my point of view.
According to Divorce Peers, 74% of women polled with the average age being 31 said they’ve had casual sex and 80% of them reported that they sometimes, if not always, regretted doing it. A survey conducted by the International Reporter cited that of the 40,000 people they interviewed, 13.1 per cent of men/boys had sex with non-regular partners in the last 12 months. The corresponding figure for women stood at 3.3 per cent, while 8.9 per cent of urban youngsters (15-24) confessed to casual sex before or after marriage; the figure was 8.2 per cent in rural areas. A health article published last year in the New York Times said that of the 125 men and women surveyed at Michigan State, 60% admitted to having at least one “friend with benefits” with only one-tenth of them going on to becoming serious relationships. And, in a recent article published by IndyStar.com, there was a report that 40% of American teenage girls who admitted to being sexually active had an STD. The author went on to say, “Abstinence before marriage and faithfulness in marriage are mocked in the popular media; yet what else could be better for our children's health and ultimate happiness?”
Our children’s health and ultimate happiness? What about our children’s parents and grandparents’ happiness, too? I mean, really? When are you old enough, wise enough, mature enough to “give it up” to someone who, more times than not, has no intentions other than to take it and move on? Really now, people. How can you train a child up in the way that he or she should go when you don’t even know how to get there yourself? Just today, I was talking to a cute, ambitious, articulate, 20-something young man about his own “women rap sheet” and he said, “I was taught not to care about these females. Get what you want and move on.” My reply was, “Who told you that?” It wasn’t who you think. It was actually his mother. Goodness. Where is she emotionally that she would get to a place where she would encourage her own son to do what probably was done to her? (And what’s up with everyone calling women “females” these days? Cats and dogs are females, too. I need you to be more specific in defining me, please!)
It’s sad, but it’s not like we all haven’t read or heard this information in some shape, form or fashion before. It’s not like once you turn off your PC, some of you won’t engage in the very act that I’m talking about. It’s not like this is actually even a top priority on the list of most. But, I teach a class to teenagers who are on their first, if not second or third child. I wrote an entire book on the fact that sex, in any form, for any reason, is a big deal. All day you can Google stats on why you should second, third and tenth guess engaging in such an unstable gamble of an activity if you are not in a committed relationship. Shoot, you can probably even climb a few branches of your family tree and see where people before you got detrimentally hung up on it. So, as I tried to think of what I could say to make you at least pause the tape known as your sex life, here’s what came to mind. Since “casual sex” is seemingly all the rage, and since we all know what “sex” means, let’s look at the definition of the word, “casual”:
CASUAL: happening by chance; fortuitous; without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned; irregular; occasional; being without ceremony or formality; without or seeming to be without plan or method; showing little interest or concern; nonchalant; not close or intimate; hasty and without attention to detail; not thorough; characterized by a feeling of irresponsibility; nonessential; not necessary belonging; incidental.
Aside from the fact that God is not fond of casual or illicit sexual activity (check out the Message Version of Hebrews 13:4), even if you were bold enough to admit that you don’t care what your creator thinks (and whenever we put our wants ahead of his, that’s basically what we’re saying), why would you think so little of yourself to let someone, especially you, treat you “without serious intention”; “carelessly”; “apathetically”; “showing little concern”; “not intimately” and “irresponsibly”? Why, being that there is only one you, which automatically makes you amazingly exceptional, would you want someone who moves “hastily” or “without attention to the details” that make you such a rare individual? Why would you give any part of your mind, body and soul to someone who is “without a plan” beyond his or hers immediate physical satisfaction; someone who, after they get what they want begins to view you as “nonessential”? I mean, really. What benefit (something that is advantageous or good) is there in that?
A little while ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine about this very issue; someone who has a lot of hindsight wisdom due to his own sordid past “casual” experiences. Do you know what he said? “Guys who push away love, who are just concerned with gettin’ it and movin’ on, who don’t want to try a serious relationship, I really wonder what’s wrong them, man. I mean, are they gay or what? Love is what we all need and are ultimately looking for. What are you running for?” A GUY---A GUY OVER 30 SAID THAT!
I personally believe that sex is a gift from God that was introduced to mankind at creation for a man and his wife. (Genesis 1:18-25) I also believe that when you don’t believe and apply this belief to your life, it can cause many unnecessary challenges in life. I have heard (and given) many testimonies about what it’s like to have “Eden-less” experiences and trust me, the weeks, months, years of pain that follow those few moments of passion (if you are lucky to even get that much) simply don’t add up. As a matter of fact, they actually subtract from your quality of life.
You’re grown. You’re gonna do what you want to do. But before you “do it” again, I just had to put this out there. Sex is a serious thing. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a miraculous thing. It’s completely understandable why you would want to do it. But take it from me, it’s nothing to play with. In the wise words of educator Haddon Robinson, “Sex and its passions are like fire. Under control, fire serves us by cooking our food and heating our homes. But if you let fire burn out of control, it will destroy everything in its path. It is the nature of this powerful force to do one of two things: to create or to destroy.” And in the profound words of Tim Alan Gardner, “Used well, sex will promote intimacy. Used wrongly, sex will cause division and lead to isolation….God’s intentions for monogamous sex were never cruel, but rather loving and wise.”
Unplanned (to the point of being unwanted) pregnancies. STDs. Broken hearts. Bitterness. These issues don’t even begin to put a dent into the consequences that come with having “without definite or serious intention” sex. How can something that’s intended to bring about oneness and create life be seen as casual? Love, intimacy, babies---all of which are consequences that should be a welcomed consequence of sex should be esteemed as anything but casual….random…pointless…goalless…careless…detached…blasé’. And you know what? So should you.
Whoever made up the term “casual sex” should go down in history as one of the biggest idiots and greatest authors of the most creative (and exploitive) oxymorons of our time.
Hmph. Talk about accepting a major contradiction. Not just when it comes to the phrasing of the words, but the people who choose live them out. Uh-uh. Give me “focused”, “resolute”, “intended”, “planned”, “attentive”, “cautious”, “designed”, “thoughtful” and “purposed” sex any day.
The way God intended it (and me) to be…and received. Now and always with nothing casual about it.
©Shellie R. Warren/2008
awesome.
Keep us in your prayers and stay in touch.
In the meantime, I can't do it alone. I will be praying that God gives you the strength to fight this war with me...so that they can see that there are men out here worth waiting UNTIL MARRIAGE for. :-)
Hang in there, dude. Keep us posted.
Several years ago, God gave me a poem and in it, there was this line:
"And since I'm a queen, I'm gonna start to flaunt it. Can't balance a crown on my head and be on my back, too."
Whoa, right? :-)
You continue to rock your crown and I'll do the same!
On another note, I have had PLENTY OF SEX and still felt lonely...and bitter...and scarred...and sometimes pregnant...healing from an abortion and even (once) sick with an STD.
Your brand of lonely is far easier to deal with, trust me.
Be not weary in well doing. (Galatians 6:9) God is preparing a king who will bless you for being faithful.
Send me a wedding invite when he arrives. :-)
You got a good point most of those people weren't in monogamous relationships, but look at consequences they faced because of it. Samson-betrayed, bald, and blind. Hosea-a bunch of cursed children. Solomon-a legacy that had to be purged of its idol worship. Trust me, God never intended for His people to suffer these kind of awful things. Ironically, His intentions are layed out by same dude with the 900+ wives. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains FAVOR from the Lord."- Proverbs 18:22 So, I'm glad you noticed these folks, cause apparently: "THINGS SUCK, WHEN YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER."
