HEY KAY...
Q: I am scared to post here. I am like a girl into porn okay? Well, no not okay but well, you know. So I just read stories about incest and little kids. I don't know why. Well I do but I don't if you know what I mean. I am so scared. I told my pastor and he said my old nature would never be sorry and my new person in Christ would always be sorry. Anyway, I feel so bad and I can't quit and I can't admit it. I mean it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I almost beat a guy in church bcuz I thought he was molesting his little girl but then I fantasized about it and wanted to die and tear my head off. My pastor said that only Jesus could take the thoughts from me. Please pray he does.
A: Hey Kay. OK, this one I think requires a little more than scripture. I do want you to believe and accept though, that with God, ALL THINGS---even freedom from an addiction like this---are possible. (Matthew 19:26) I know you want to focus on the shame that comes with your addiction, but I want you to focus on the fact that the shame is coming from the best part of you; the part that knows that incest and the attraction to it is wrong.
I have read many articles to support that a way a person is introduced to sex is the way they are conditioned to like it, at least initially. You never said, but I am willing to bet that in one way or another, you are a victim of incest yourself. As someone who is also a "Butterfly Angel" (a survivor of sexual abuse), I can attest to the fact that incest can be a very confusing thing to deal with because while your spirit knows that it's wrong, being touched sexually can still bring about feelings of pleasure because that is what being touched sexually was created to do. However, when you put those two things together, you find yourself in an endless cycle of pleasure and shame without ever really getting enough of either one.
I believe this is where you are, Kay and while I am proud of you for going to your pastor, I really think it would be best if you sought out a therapist. Don't feel bad about going to one, either. Wise, strong, courageous people know when they need help and they do something about it. I just think that some of the things that you are battling with stem from issues beyond pornography and it would be beneficial for you to seek out someone who is a Christian, but also professionally trained in this area. Your pastor should be equipped to assist you with this...or at least to make referrals.
In the meantime, know that reaching out to us was not by coincidence. There is some part of you that is starting to feel more shame than pleasure when it comes to this issue and THAT IS A GOOD THING.
We're covering you in prayer.
You are so special and valuable in the eyes of our infinitely loving and forgiving Lord. Please grasp hold of that and stand firm in it. I know the devastating confusion that can come from abuse, it nearly drove me to suicide. You have shown ENORMOUS courage and spiritual maturity in speaking out like this. Please believe you are in my prayers and that Our Lord Yeshua will turn your grief into rejoicing. Shalom.
You're not alone. My sexual addiction to incest and child stories was one of the things that absolutely terrified me. I felt like I was becoming a monster and couldn't stop it. At the same time, I would get so aroused and couldn't get enough of the stories. Between those and sex blogs, my life was just spinning out of control.
Eventually my wife discovered my sex blog, and I almost lost my marriage. I've never told her about the incest and child stories, because she is an incest survivor. I'm too ashamed to admit that to anyone in person.
I've entered a sex addict recovery program and know that I will have to face this demon someday soon. I've come clean with almost everything from my past, but this last one still has a hold on me that I have to break free from. I am praying for the Lord's help in this matter.
Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my addiction. I really can't even tell you how much it means. I'm praying for your recovery and that you break free from your shame. God loves you.
God Bless,
Mike
