IS PORN A FORM OF CHEATING?

Last week, I received this question:

"[I have a friend who] suspects her husband has dealt with pornography and possibly adultery for their entire marriage (many years). In the last few months they have been going to a very well-known Christian counselor in their area. Today she voiced her concerns to this male counselor about her husbands possible adultery and the pornography.

The counselor said he would give the husband a lie detector test for the adultery but not for the pornography. He told my friend that every man had the desires to look at other women. He even went on to say that it was not adultery.

In your opinion, how should she deal with this? Can you help her as well?"

Sincerely,

A concerned friend

I personally believe that this question is not nearly as rare as it should be and so I decided I would post my response on my Butterflies blog.

"Concerned Friend", first, let me say that you are a good friend to be so concerned. I am a strong believer that feelings are the "theromostat" of the soul and so without even speaking with you, something tells me that your heart/gut didn't sit well with what the counselor said. It shouldn't have. To be honest with you, his response leads me to believe that he may battle in these same areas and it's often hard to provide solid advice where you yourself are unstable.

I feel like there are a lot of issues here, but I will address them as best I can without hearing from the wife, husband or counselor directly.

First of all, I'm not really sure how effective a lie dector test will be if the counselor is not going to address the husband's potential pornography addiction. Thinking about other women in the sense of "She's attractive" is one thing. Looking at them naked and/or having sex with other people in magazines, on cable or online is something entirely different. But, the first major point about all of this is relationships---good, healthy ones, anyway---are supposed to be based on trust and honesty. If the husband is lying to the point of needing a lie dector test, it doesn't matter if it is about another woman, porn videos or the route he's been taking home for the past two weeks, he has a problem because THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR LYING, especially to your wife. From where I sit, this is the first matter that should be addressed.

As far as porn being a form of adultery, let's look at the blanket definitions pornography and adultery:

Pornography: Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.

Adultery: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse; voluntary violation of the marriage bed; extramarital sex that willfully and maliciously interferes with marriage relations.

Hebrews 13:4 says that the marriage bed is honorable and the bed is undefiled. This means that it is pure.

I Corinthians 7:2-3 says that because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, each wife her own husband and let the husband give his wife the affection due to her and vice versa.

I Corinthians 7:4 says that the husband does not have authority over his body; the wife does and the wife does not have authority of her body; the husband does.

And finally, Ephesians 5:25 says that men are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave his life for it.

When you look at the definitions of adultery above, by engaging in pornography, is he having sex with someone else? No. But, is he voluntarily violating the marriage bed and partaking in extramarital activities that are willfully and maliciously interfering with his marital relationship? DEFINITELY.

Aside from the myriad of scriptures about God's thoughts on lust (and yes, the foundation of pornography is lust), the Bible says that a man, once he's married, does not have authority over his body. It's obvious that his wife is not happy with him potentially engaging in porn and so if for no other reason than that, he should give it up. Just in case he needs another reason, when you take on the responsibility of husband, you take the back seat. Giving up your life as Christ did, is not just some romantic notion, it is a mandate. Putting anyone or anything other than God before her is not being a good husband. There's just no way around that.

So, how should your friend deal with it? Well, a good counselor is supposed to help an issue and from what you are sharing, this particular individual seems to be enabling it to the point of doing further harm. ANYTHING that is causing a break in a bond is not profitable and so they should seek out, at the very least, a second opinion.

And, your friend should stay prayed up in preparation of whatever she's about to here. Her heart/gut is not causing her to feel this way for no reason, but if she really loves her husband, I pray she will find a way to work it out. Sin, any form of it, is a sickness and as a friend of mine often says, just because God says that you can divorce because of adultery, that doesn't mean he wants you to. God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and love covers a multitude of sins (Proverbs 10:12). This includes adultery and pornography.

Mark wrote on November 5th 07 at 03:45PM

While listing scriptures let us not forget the words of Jesus recorded in Matthew 5:27-30. Not only is looking upon a woman lustfully considered adultery, but extreme measures are called for in dealing with it.

Andrew wrote on November 5th 07 at 04:06PM

Well said! I agree completely with all you had to say. I'd just like to add one thing, however. Its one of my favourite verses for dealing with the issue of pornography addiction.

Is porn a form of cheating?
Matthew 5:28 (NLT) says "But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

For me, it couldnt be any clearer!

Lisa wrote on November 14th 07 at 08:31PM

I just found out that my husband has been going to strip clubs for the past year and has spent more than $14,000 in the past 10 months at there.

I feel as if he's cheating and am wondering what a man can get for that kind of money. I'm afraid he was actually having sex with strippers.

I really need a man's opinion.

Aislinn wrote on November 17th 07 at 06:16AM

Good article. Truth is...truth.

michael wrote on November 23rd 07 at 09:52AM

i beleive porn is a form of cheating,if it wasnt why would i feel conviction over it and why would i feel dirty inside when i look at my wife who has no clue that i had been looking at pornography

Orlando wrote on November 24th 07 at 07:40AM

Well said shelie!

This is very helpful for all husbands and future-husbands involved in porn to understand what a spouse feels like and the damage we can do to her when commiting adultery by watching any kind of porn...

Gary wrote on December 7th 07 at 01:48AM

Excellent advice and it seems that the author is both compassionate and godly in terms of seeking reconciliation between the couple in a way that provides healing and forgiveness of sin. I hope that the couple is able to resolve their trouble caused by the husbands dishonesty. May he repent and find the help that he needs.

Kurt wrote on December 12th 07 at 07:06AM

Thank you for telling the truth! For a long time, when I was looking at porn, I didn't think it was cheating. When my wife discovered my porn addiction she told me it was the same as cheating on her. It was then that I realized it didn't matter whether or not I thought it was cheating, her reality was that it is. Knowing I didn't want to cheat on my wife was a major reason for me to seek counciling to work on the addiction and the underlying reasons for it.

Thomas wrote on December 16th 07 at 11:19AM

For me, adultery is not something that is defined by any institution or book. It is defined by the couple itself. The fact that a person commits adultery when watching another with lust in the eye implies that his/her marriage is based on lust. Having a strong connection with another woman in a purely platonic way can sometimes feel like adultery to me. Why should such a banal feeling as lust be so important to a couple? Isn't a healthy relationship based on much more than that?
This man already knew that there is no justification for lying, i think that is why he kept it a secret. So i think the first matter to be adressed is the reason why he would lie about it.
I think that the reason why the husband was lying is the lack of dialog in their relationship and a lie detector test does not solve that problem at all.
I think the counselor has experience counseling with couples because he does not simply restates the rules that a married couple is bounded to, i think the rules were already well known by this couple, hence the lying. The counselor instead tries to solve the issue to eventually achieve redemption.

Anita wrote on December 17th 07 at 12:54AM

Thanks for the blog. Plus the other scriptures. I have just recently discover my husband was back into porn for the sixth time. I want a divorce. I am being told I don't have biblical grounds even from my pastor and it hurts. I need more verses, to prove that it is adultery. I am still hurting very much over this. I feel like I am a lone, fighting for all the wives out there that have to deal with their husbands porn addiction.

B.J. wrote on December 21st 07 at 11:56PM

To Lisa: I used to work at a club...it's not uncommon for a man to drop that kind of money at a higher-end club, especially taking into account lab dances, private dances, etc. It doesn't necessarily mean he's been having sex with them. However, it doesn't rule out the possibility. The best thing to do is ask him straight out.

Joe wrote on December 28th 07 at 04:16PM

Anita, you aren't fighting alone. I pray that you make the right decisions, but maybe take him to this website and let him read some of the destructive effects that it can have. My wife wants a divorce and I was on the other end of the issue. I've made her feel unwanted, unloved, unattractive, and worthless just by refusing her intimately. It wasn't until after she left me that I realized that I really had an addiction. I am a successful businessman, a role-model uncle, and an overall good guy who spent 10 minutes to two hours at a time looking at porn. Maybe a day a week and sometimes 5 days a week. I have always said that I don't have an addictive personality, but I was in denial about my pornography addiction. As husband and wife your goal is to get each other to heaven, in good times and in bad, until death. When your love for him dies there is no reviving that, so for both your sakes please let him read this. I can only tell you how painful it is that I made my wife feel terrible and didn't even realize the truth depth to the cuts in her soul I was making. I am now living with this everyday alone. She was my everything and I had worked so hard to be successful, buy her things, take her to dinner, build her a house, etc. that I missed truly loving her because I betrayed her with pornography that led to a lack of intimacy. I had always prided myself in the fact that I could pass up beautiful women that threw themselves at me and not get in a position to cheat on her, but what I didn't realize was that I was cheating on her with viewing porn. I will pray for both of you, making change like this is the hardest challenge I have ever had in my life. I have known porn since I was six years old. The hardest part is going it alone, but that is my own making and I now have to live with that. I know that this is a life long struggle, but I have to do this. I owe it to her and I owe it to myself. Just remember, no man is proud of viewing porn and if they are they are not a man.

Dirk wrote on January 3rd 08 at 02:15AM

Is porn grounded in lust? yeah. News Flash! Men like sex. Women like attention. O.k. So maybe we should try giving to each other instead of just demanding what we want. Men, give some gentle attention to your wives. Women, give some hot, steamy sex to your men. The one thing that the women of porn provide is that they ALWAYS look like they WANT to have sex. Men like that. Nothing sexier than a woman that comes on to you. Before you go get your divorce, why not try giving your man some h**# every night for a week and see what happens.

Luke Gilkerson wrote on February 13th 08 at 12:51PM

Pornography is used to lust after another woman, which is adultery in the heart according to Jesus.

Read some of my comments at:
http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/01/10/know-how-to-take-a-wife/

george wrote on February 13th 08 at 10:29PM

OK whats is worst looking porn or cheating behind with another woman? what u women would prefer i want an answer,and what is worst when a man see porn or when a woman see porn? Answer plz each.Thx

Luke Gilkerson wrote on March 18th 08 at 02:48PM

I've recently read some more comments from women with husbands who watch porn. I wrote a blog about it at: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/03/11/husbands-who-watch-porn-what-are-their-wives-saying/

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Luke Gilkeson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes