Husband watches gay porn…

Posted on September 4th, 2008 in Spouses Confessions

I am the wife of a sex addict. We have been married 15 years, and he has been addicted to porn as long as I can remember. It used to be porn of all kind, but at this point it is gay porn. He also has had men sexual partners. He says he loves me and is also attracted to me, but I don’t know. I’m very hurt and very confused. I’ve tried to be forgiving, and loving, and prayed that my forgiveness would help him to change – that he would understand what it really meant to be loved, and choose intimate love over porn and sex. But he doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself.
I know he had a rough time growing up with an abusive and unloving father. He was always very overweight, and now that he has lost quite a bit of weight, he seems to be fueling his weight loss with pictures of younger men in great shape. Sometimes I wonder if he’s desperately trying to get back all the things he thinks he lost or never had during his early twenties. I do understand he is a hurting person.
At this point, though, I am, too. I can’t hardly stand to look at myself anymore because of the way I feel he sees me – or doesn’t see me. In some ways, it would be easier to leave – but we have 4 kids, and we need each other’s help to raise them. And down deep, I want an oldage-hood with my husband. But I don’t know what to do anymore. It would be easier to stay and love him if I didn’t hate myself so much for not being what he wants. I don’t know what’s right anymore. What should I do?

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