Hi… I’m Kelsey, I’m 15 years old. Ridiculous, right?
When I was 7, I had a neighbor who used to come over and play. He was me and my siblings only neighborhood friend.
But later on, he started to only play with me, and would be rude to my brothers and younger sisters. He made up this stupid game that involved a lot of “touching”. At first I was curious and thought it was funny, but then I hated it, and I stopped playing it. I started being mean to him, and finally, my parents grounded me for yelling at him one day and months later he moved away.
Though, much later on when I was 11, my brother started touching me. This hurt me a lot, and I was always so self conscious and afraid of any male. I then “sort of” told my mother, and she went and talked to him.
Ever since then, my trust has been broken with my sibling that I used to call my best friend.
But now, I find myself locking myself in my room and looking at pictures and videos, then later on, sitting there and crying and BEGGING for forgiveness. But, I can’t feel anything.
I don’t feel forgiven, I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel clean. I feel dirty, useless, a liar and a slut.
I hurt myself physically and mentally every time. I know it hurts God worse, but i can’t but say, “You’re hurting yourself, not him. He can’t even see you.”
And I just want to STOP! But i can’t! I’m so afraid of myself and everyone else.
I just want to feel God again. I want to be with Him and clear my head of this sin that continuously just puts another slash across my thighs.
This isn’t for attention, i swear. I want to tell someone, but I don’t trust anyone.
I would just really love some prayer and encouragement… I don’t know how to stop. ):