Struggle and Confusion

I am 18 years old, almost 19, and I have been struggling with pornography and self satisfaction for around 6 years now. I have grown up in a Christian home and have always felt like I have had a good relationship with Christ. This is about the only area where I don't even come close to meeting the standards set down for me by God.
I have grown up with three sisters and have the utmost respect for women, but I turn around and look at them like pieces of meat, it is disgusting. I was in a group a few years ago with other guys who struggled with the same issues. We read books, and all kinds of stuff, it was very intense. Unfortunatley I never broke the habit. If I last 5 days without doing it, I feel so good, but then I think to myself...5 days, that is it, and while I know that it needs to be taken one step at a time, I can't help but feel I am fighting a battle I can't win. I see your stories on here, and it gives me hope, but I guess in the end I still feel stuck. I've only had one girlfriend by choice because I am the kind of guy who is looking for the girl he wants to marry, I am not interested in silly short term relationships. I want to be happily married to a girl I love. I believe I have found that girl, but I have always asked God to not let me get involved until I can rid myself of this cancer. I have seen the stories and I don't want to get caught one day and have my world come crashing down around me. She deserves better than that. Well, I haven't done anything or watched anything for around 1 week now, and the temptation is almost unbearable, but here is the thing. I have it in my head that if I don't beat this right now, if I mess up even once, this girl that I love won't be with me. That God will essentially make it to where we aren't ever going to be together. So I think I am resisting temptation and trying to clean my mind up for her and not God. But then I wonder if that is how God would try to get me to stop, introduce me to the woman of my dreams in order to try and get me to stop. Regardless, I am afraid that if I mess up at all, I will never get to be with her. I am just not quite sure what to think at this point. Like I said, aside from this train wreck in my life, other people view me as a pretty strong Christian, which then makes me feel like a hypocrite. I just have been struggling for so long, and feel completely powerless.

Pornography addiction is a serious problem, and we want to help. We have helpful free tools like accountability software to aid your recovery from addictions to porn and sex addiction.

RSS Feed Archives