Amazing...scary, week
As a part of my recovery over the past 2.5 years I have had to face many difficult things; a divorce and miracle of reconciliation which could have only been done by God; the loss of a company and the financial struggles which this addiction seems to do to everyone involved; but the most difficult thing for me has been to face my fears and face people who I have harmed.
One of those people were my mother and father-in-law. I had dragged their daughter through hell and satan told me they would never forgive me. They did, they were amazing...chalk another victory up to God and may God bless these two amazing people. Life is so incredible having them back in my life...I have missed them so very much.
But the most difficult person I had to face I was not sure I could do and if I could muster up the courage...would this person be open to any conversation...all I could do was ask God, but I kept hearing this 'voice' telling me it was going to be awful...this person not only would not meet me but might actually want to harm me...but God had placed it on my heart and I had to do something, so I wrote this person a letter.
I told this person I was sorry, that even as I wrote the words they were insignificant, worthless they seemed to me, but they were all I had and that I wanted to meet this person, in person, so I could apologize as I felt God had instructed me in the Bible to do.
To my amazement I received a letter back...a letter which said this person was out of town and when this person returned theay wanted to talk to me...God is great, God is simply amazing.
You see this 'person' was the man who's wife (now ex-wife) I had an affair with during my addiction...this was a man who was now divorced because of my actions. This was a man who I had taken something from, broken one of God's 10 commandments...This is a man who should not have even given me the time of day, who should have wanted to harm me and instead, in his response to me, had said "this letter must have been very hard for you to write"...worried about how hard this was for me...how humbled I was...
I met this man this past week face to face...we talked for two hours, I got to say I was sorry in person...and in the end this man of God said..."I forgive you". As I write these words I am in tears...
I am so amazed and I feel that such a huge weight has been lifted from me. satan told me he would never forgive me...but God had gone before me and prepared the way. This amazing man, when he had so much hate in his heart for me had asked God years ago to help him and God had told him to pray for me...I had broken up his marriage and he had prayed for me...I was so humbled...so in awe of God...what an incredible example of the power of God in a man.
Who is in your life who you need to apologize to? What is satan telling you? Are you scared? Ask God..seek Him and go apologize....The Truth will...WILL...set you free.
To this man who forgave me...Thank you, thank you so very much for your kindness, your prayers for me and for being such an incredible example of God's love...thank you so very much...This man glorified God in his actions... Humbled.... Do not be afraid....Thank you God for preparing the way... Steve G"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).
Your actions of love and selflessness are a courageous testament to your true manilhood!
Isn't awesome how being obedient to God brings healing and God uses your weakness to become your and His strength.
I had struggled with my addiction to lust for many years, which strangely enough only intensified after I received a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ when I was 18 (now 40). I had pastors lay hands on me, told to "go and sin no more" (oh do I wish it was that simple), read and practiced the tools in the "every man's battle book and workbook" (good tools), shared with my struggles with many Christian men's bible studies and fellowships (room often became quiet and the Christian colloquialism "I will pray for you brother" was said) but eventually despite all this I hit rock bottom. In my experience this is a good place for God to build off of.
It was not until my wife confronted me one day almost 2 yrs ago about my addiction to pornography did my life begin to change for the better. My wife and I are both born again believers ... I just wanted to preface my next statements with this. My wife referred me to a sexaholics anonymous webpage (www.sa.org) which I somewhat reticently went to. God had brought me to the place I needed. I went through the section on how to know if you are a sexaholic and since that day I am convinced I am a sexaholic. Ever since I have learned that my addiction to pornography was not the entirety of my addiction but rather only part in parcel of my bigger addiction to lust.
I began to attend meetings (which follow the classical AA model which has helped many million in their recovery from alcohol), made connections and became accountable to others who shared the same underlying sin pattern (character defect is the terminology of the program language), called when I was feeling weak, and ever so slowly began to experience the strength and hope of others who have gone this way before me. Since I have gone over a year without masturbating (sobriety definition for SA) and currently am only a few short days of 6 months of not masturbating. Perfect … hardly but recovering from this sin yes. I have asked God to remove this pattern of sin from me many times, but in His still small voice His Spirit through His word repeated “my grace is sufficient for you” and “in your weakness I am made strong”. In the last 2 years I have masturbated 3 times. This is huge improvement in that I have hardly gone 3 days since I was 13yo without masturbating. I have in a visceral way rather than intellectualizing manner learned the truth of Phil 1:4 where Paul notes “He who began a work in you is faithful to complete in the day of Jesus Christ.”
Is refraining from masturbating the goal some may ask? No not at all, but a standard has to be set or a beginning goal has be made to start. More so I realized the lust was not the problem so much as was my diseased manner of thinking and my diseased heart (sin nature). I have learned that when I replay those old tapes of lust in my mind or lust over some new image I have seen, I am trying to medication (make myself feel better) over some other deeper sin (character defect) in my life whether it is unwillingness to submit my will to God (pride/Ego), anger and resentment, jealousy, procrastination, self-resentment over overeating, etc. When I expose the roots of my sinful nature to others and God in a judgment free and loving environment is when I have seen God continuing to do a mighty work in my life and most importantly have hope.
When I share my experience with other believers of my path to wholeness (the program) which can only occur through our Lord, they often question whether this a Christian program and when I answer no they often roll their eyes and refer me back to the church and say they “will pray for me.” The two originators of the AA movement (Dr Bob and Bill W.) were both believers who incorporated scripturally based truths into the 12 steps. God, not positive thinking or a health self-image, is introduced as the only power who was able and willing to restore us to increased sanity. SA and all 12 step programs are non-denomination, non-sectarian, etc and thus are not exclusively Christian. I have had the fortunacy of meeting many believers in these meetings, but many who are not. In the beginning of my new journey I experienced some turmoil over this non-sectarian fellowship were I often may sit next to a someone who is not of the same religious background as me the proof was in the pudding so to speak.
I apologize for my verbosity as it is not my usual nature. I want only extend my experience of God moving through my weakness and share my strength and hope. I am committed to help those who feel lost , hopeless, and trapped on this marry-go-round of lust. Please feel free to contact me for I will not judge, lecture, or give advice but rather only share my experience.
In Christ,
Roland
