Need prayer and advice

I start out by saying I've first got exposed to pornography at the age of 10 yrs. old. From that moment on I became instantly hooked on pornography. As years passed I began to objectify girls and use them for my own gratification. I was a mess. I realize now that I have always have had a struggle with insecurity and self-worth. I had a rough home life. By God's grace and his grace alone I came to know Jesus as my Lord and savior. The Lifestyle I lived which included (partying, drinking, sex, and anything else that caused me to feel something) was over. It was easy to surrender and stop those things which I though I loved. The pornography, even though I hated it, still lurked. I struggled with it after conversion and the only change there was in my life was how I felt about it and myself after falling. I can't remember a time prior to getting married in which I was able to walk without falling for more than a month. To be honest it was a weekly thing. When I was 19 I surrendered to the calling of the ministry. I got married right before my 22nd birthday and took my first job as a worship leader of a church. I thought to myself surely, this part of my life is over. It was for about 3 months. I had a new sense of confidence that I never had experienced prior. All it took was one time of me falling to start the rollercoaster ride from hell with dealing with my problem. My wife and I have been married 4 1/2 years now. I would tell her every time I fell in the earlier years of marriage. The pain of letting her down time and time again was a lot to deal with. Even though deep inside I didn't want to hurt her I kept doing the wrong thing. It was a bi-monthly thing for me to confess to her. She struggled with her self-esteem which made me feel like less of man for letting her, God, myself, others down. We moved and I got a worship pastor position of a great church! Surely, this time will be different. It's a new start. It was for a while, and then the claws of addiction came scratching at my door. I fell and I was back on the ride. I confessed to her, and my pastor. It was the hardest thing ever!! I went to counseling for a while to try to get a grasp on this stuff and why I struggle. Why couldn't I get victory. It helped a lot but I still feared losing control. I put filters on, parental controls on my television, whatever I could do, I did. I went about 6 months without falling. It was great. One day the claws of porn came scratching at my door again and I gave in. What the hec!!!!!! This up and down thing has got to stop. I'm at my wits end. A year ago my parents separated after being married for 39 years. It turns out my dad has been addicted to this stuff for over 39 years. The last 4 years he started visiting strip clubs and spent thousands of dollars feeding into his addiction. He ended up paying a prostitute to have sex with him. Because he's in his 60's he couldn't perform. All this came to light last year. My mom left him and my dad was SO broken as well as my mom. Because he couldn't talk to anyone else in our family about the issue he confessed every sexual sin he could remember to me. It was one of the haredest conversations of my life. What started out as looking at the occasional porn magazine turned into him visiting clubs which years later turned into him trying to act out with someone. That whole situation along with the birth of our little girl was a wake up call for me. I had a long period of sobriety with this stuff. Last year a pastor friend and mentor of mine took his life. If there was anyone more passionate about the gospel and the word, it was him. It was a marital dispute that turned ugly. I was in another room when it happened. It was horrible! I can't even imagine to tell you the pain of what I experienced. It devistated my wife and I. Trying to be strong for everyone along with my wife has been tough but it's been by GOD'S grace I've been able rise to occasion. There is a lot of details that I want to but can't get into because of the nature of the situation. About a month after it happened I ended up falling again. It's been a rough past month. I feel like I honestly can't tell anyone because of what just happened. My wife didn't need this burden when she suffering the loss of our friend. I really felt alone. I called a pastor friend of mine a few days ago and confessed and prayed to him. My wife can tell when things are up with me. She asked me if I have been struggling. I told her the truth that it's been an up and down thing for the last 6 months. It floored her. I'm sitting here at Starbucks trying to hold back my tears as I write this. I feel like I've tried everything and have experienced more than most the last year of my life. I've done counseling, accountability, gone through some serious pain, did an online course and still I find myself in the same rut. I'm really tired! God please help me.

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