Pornography and Masturbation Addiction

Hey Guys, I'm writing this confession in an attempt to break my addiction to pornography and masturbation. I know I'm British, but my dad recommended this and I'm absolutely in awe of what you guys are doing over there and I will be praying for you, and I think you're being fantastic.

I saw my first picture on-line when I was really young, about 12, when I was in school. A guy in my year obviously knew about this sort of stuff and how common it was on the internet, and I was completely fascinated by the picture. I still remember it now. He'd told me to search for a certain word and change the results filter in the options. I didn't really understand what I was looking at, and I didn't know what any of the words meant. The pictures and searching for them then turning and giggling with your mates was getting more and more popular, and it started to become trendy as the cool dudes dominated the search toll, and everyone wanted to be like the cool guys, and it felt amazing to look at the stuff anyway so everybody won!
It went a stage further when my dad got me an ancient computer, does anyone remember the windows 95? Anyway, I immediately started to search on my own at home, and instead of just looking at the results I started to click on them and look at the sites they came from. As my knowledge of computers and the internet's capability grew, I added favourites and it became a regular thing. Every evening after school I'd run into my bedroom, lock the door and turn to my PC.
Now I'm 16 and my parents have caught me several times, resulting in me being in serious trouble and being told never to do it again, and each time the addiction dragged me back slowly but surely to my old ways. Recently though, instead of doing it the old fashioned way and buying porn mags and hiding them in my boxer shorts draw, I went to sites on the internet and copy then pasted the images into a power point document, and the collection steadily grew. I did do this with a reasonable motive in mind. The last time my dad had caught me by looking at my internet history, he had warned me against internet viruses, the first I had heard of them. I searched Google for a porn site which was free of charge and a guarantee of no viruses, and copied as many pictures as I possibly could. This took up a very large portion of my time, leading to a decrease in my good grades at school. By the end of two months, I had 10,000 pornographic images safely saved in a hidden document on my computer. I copied so many because I knew that as I masturbated, if I started from the beginning of the document each time, I wouldn't want the slides to end before my 'pay-off'.
A few weeks ago, I inevitably left my PC on by accident when I went to school. Walking past my room and seeing my computer switched on, my dad, who was very energy saving concious, decided to go in and turn it off for me. So kind of him. He obviously perceived my document on the screen, because when I got home, oblivious to the development, both my parents knew what had happened. The argument which ensued ended with my dad telling me about a lot more dangers due to internet porn and the risk I was taking than he had told me about before.
Apparently, the people who owned the website could have traced the pictures from the hyper-link in the photos, and and seen my details and my mum's business on the document properties, giving them an angle to sue from. My antics over the internet was fortifying the downgrading of women and I was steadily dismantling my chances of a healthy, happy, honest relationship with my later wife. Above all, he brought down on me the most painful verdict of all:
I volunteer as a helper in my local church youth groups, helping kids to learn about God and Jesus, and sharing my devoted faith with them and using my acting skills on the stage of our church to convey the key messages the bible has to offer. This is my most treasured part of my church life, and apparently, since I was discovered to be spiralling into this inappropriate chasm, my dad would need to inform my youth group leaders, shattering my reputation as an honest, helpful teenager defying the stereotypes of modern 'youths', and resulting in my expulsion from the group.
My dad gave me a choice. Either continue with what I was doing (consequences can be re-read above), or confide in a respected member of my church and ask for help.
Obviously I much preferred the latter sentence, and chance would have it that the particular man my dad had in mind was coming round that evening for coffee and his monthly chat with my parents, so as he was stepping outside, my dad pushed me downstairs to talk to him. The experience that followed shocked me to my very core. He sat with me and listened to my problems and when I had trouble actually saying the forbidden noun, he helped me out and spoke for a few minutes of his own accord. Everything he said fitted perfectly with what was wrong with my life. As he talked I felt that it wasn't really him speaking any more, but someone speaking through him, because there was no way he could know me so deeply himself. After this he prayed for me and I retreated to my bedroom and cried.
I haven't been on the internet for that purpose since, but after 2 weeks I can already feel the familiar pull towards the forbidden pages and I don't want to go running to the church every time I feel this way. Dad recommended this site to me and I feel as though my eyes have been opened, and I really respect you for what you're doing, but I still can't seem to shake off my addiction completely, and I sense that I never will. So I need the help and guidance from my God, and being able to pour out all the things I wouldn't dare to talk to anyone else about into this box has really taken a weight off my shoulders.
Thanks for your time.
Dan

Pornography addiction is a serious problem, and we want to help. We have helpful free tools like accountability software to aid your recovery from addictions to porn and sex addiction.

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