Wish I could start again

Ok, so here I am 11:30 at night and I've just looked up porn, jacked off, felt guilty and came on this website. That's funny because at almost exactly this time last night I swore off of it and swore to get accountability. What the heck is happening to me? I know what porn does. It deceases your ability to love, especially the opposite sex. Even with this knowledge I cant stop. I'm in love with the most beautiful girl in the world and she's in love with me, and I know if I cant stop I'll lose her. Thats just the facts. Typing that just now sent a shiver down my spine. Even with that knowledge I can only hold out about a week at tops before I fall into the porn again. My parents think I'm a good little angel, my friends think I love the party that I call my life, and my girlfriend thinks I'm this amazing romantic guy, and deep inside I know I'm a perv. And to maintain these different lives I have to isolate each one of them and create a separate me. Thats four Alex's just counting the most complex. It's fricking tearing me apart. And on top of that I'm starting to get a physical tick every time I think about the crap I've done. This dual force of lust and porn has already caused me depression which I was able to suppress with help. I literally beat the crap out of myself sometimes when I screw up because I've yet to be caught, and I feel I should be punished in some way. I hate what I've become, and I'm not even sure this frickin confession is gonna help in anyway but at least it's in the open now, even if only complete strangers are reading this.

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