Dirty and Broken

It all started when I was 11. I was flipping through channels late one Saturday night and stumbled across a show. It was soft porn and it really intrigued me. I would sneak and watch it every weekend. I counted down the days until I could watch it. This went on for a few years. I would go on chat rooms and talk to older men, feeding my lust. It made me feel mature and important. Eventually I stopped watching and stopped going on chat rooms, but the thoughts were always there. I went from 15 until 17 without going back to any of this.

Then during my senior year I was so stressed and it seemed my horomones were going crazy. I started masturbating. It started out only a couple of times a month. Its like during that time, my problems were gone. It was only about me and I could relax.

Things seemed to get worse from that point on. By the time I turned 19, I was doing it everyday. I even picked up a new addiction along the way. I started reading fanfic and it seemed innocent enough, until I found the NC-17 rated stories. I couldn't stop reading it. I would wait until everyone went to bed and would read for hours, building fantasies in my mind. At times I would feel guilty for the content and masturbating, but it didn't matter...that was my time and my body. It was my right.

Sex was constantly on mind. I pushed God away and stopped going to church. I didn't read my Bible or pray anymore. My walk with God was gone. And I was depressed and angry all the time.

Then 2 months ago I met a guy at work. After only knowing him 2 weeks, and only really talking to him for 2 days...I had sex with him.

That snapped me out of my daze and God revealed to me my downward spiral. I have never felt so dirty, ashamed, used, or broken. I absolutely disgust myself when I think about all I've done.


I still feel so dirty and used. I haven't read anymore stories...but when all the guilt and emotions get to me, I have turned back to masturbating. I don't know how to stop. I want to so badly! I know this is such a selfish act and I want to stop. I want to be pure again. I want to become all that God has planned, but I can't reach that until this addiction ends.

Please pray for me! I need strength and healing. I really don't know where to even begin.

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