Lost

Let me preface:

I'm 20 years old and I've been saved all my life. I have an incredible family that loves me and holds me tight. They support and encourage me, they are honest, they are strong, they are the best.

Here's the story:
At the age of 4 or 5 (I can't exactly remember), my cousin and I became sexually involved with each other. We would make out and basically go as far as children can go... without going into the nitty gritty. I was a small child. I knew it was wrong, because I can remember hiding from the rest of our family, so I don't really know why we did this... or what was going through my head. but I have really forgiven myself and my cousin. My family, after about 2 years, found out parts of the story. We put an end to that relationship. This is not a blame game, this is just where it began.

At the age of 12 I got caught up in the chat room scene, where I was introduced to cybersex. I distinctly remember the first time. I had an immediate flashback to my childhood and the pleasures of sex. I was hooked. I would come home from school and "surf the web." The possibilities were endless, and I was spending all of the time that I could in chat rooms and free sites. My parents found out when I was 14 and they lovingly took away my computer privileges. My mom would hold me accountable for several years, frequently asking me, checking histories, etc. To my parents, the issue stopped, and I was free from pornography. They did what they could, and we thought that it was fine.

Well, all is not fine. For the last 6 years I have struggled with a deep pornography and sex addiction. It's like a roller coaster. I'll be waist deep in filthy pleasures for a month or so, and then go 6 months clean... off and on, off and on. you get the picture. Even in the "clean" times, however, the addiction was still present, and still rooting itself deeper and deeper. Now, I am 20 years old. I am still struggling. It has become such a part of me that to imagine myself free of this would be far too optimistic. I joined a 6 week addiction recovery group at my church, and received some good tools, but now that the 6 weeks are over, my hope is lost. I have given into myself and my addiction. It is painful, it is grieving, it is miserable, it is hopeless.

I am praying and seeking God for some sort of a mentor. I need to take further steps toward recovery, but I am clueless. I also need to inform my parents, or at least my mother. I still live at home and they are very much a part of my life, and for this I praise God. At this point, I do not think they are equipped to handle such an addiction, and I would not expect them to be, and I am not hurt by this. I know they would support me, but I don't know how to include them. I don't want to share everything, I don't think it is necessary. I also cannot just leave them out. That would be hurtful, and quite frankly impossible simply because I still live with them and answer to them on a daily basis. I can't afford therapy, but I need help.

Sometimes it feels like I am swimming in this sexual addiction, barely floating... waiting for the next breath. It manifests in different ways, and the satisfaction level is constantly changing. I am doing and thinking things I never though I would. I need to find my way back.

You can find help for your sex addiction now at xxx church. You don’t have to live your life addicted to porn.

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