“I dream of the escape…”

Letter to myself:

This is a drug. It starts as something pleasurable then slowly captivates your mind, body, and soul until you and it become one. It becomes a way to escape the pain, so much so you have convinced yourself that you can’t live without it. You do anything to get your fix. How many inanimate objects will you screw until you’re satisfied? How many videos will you watch before you’re numb to their power? Then there’s the guilt. You screwed up. You’ve shamed God. You writhe and cry and beg but He doesn’t seem to listen. When the healing doesn’t come, you start the process over again. For 10 years, you’ve walked this cycle. For 10 years you’ve told yourself that you’re never going to get better. That’s because you don’t ALLOW yourself to get better. Nobody can fix your problems but you. The decision is not your best friend’s or your mother’s. The decision is entirely in your hands. What are you going to do with that? What steps are you willing to take to let God break down your walls and heal the pain? You’ve been hurt. I get that. Someone abused you, robbed you of your innocence. He was a family member that you trusted. You allowed him to take his place as your father, so willingly. He betrayed that. That’s not easy to let go of. But the first step is forgiveness. You have to forgive him for his wrong doings, as Christ forgave you. And about your brush with “homosexuality”…your female cousin was twisted. She should not have even presented the idea of sexually activity to you at such a young age. You didn’t understand and yes, she wronged you and you were the ones left with the scars. But you have to forgive her, too. You have to let go of the temptation she put before you and move on. You are stronger and better than this. And no, God did not deal these cards to you. He did not choose this life for you. But He will use it, if you allow him in. Your first step is to stop letting the “small things” go. Any form of sex in a movie is not worth you viewing. Sex is a God ordained gift that Hollywood is using for thei profit. Don’t abuse that. Never tell yourself that God doesn’t love you or that you. You’re right, you don’t deserve to be loved because none of us deserve anything but death for our sins. But Christ died to take care of that. You are the biggest fist punching you in the gut. Your words are the harshest. His grace is there, waiting for you to take it. He loves you at your weakest. He is God for a reason. Stop trying to run from this. Suicide will not solve the problem. It’s the easy way out. You were born to be a warrior. Fight for your life. And if you have to, go down swinging.

Letter from my sex addict:

Sometimes, all I can do is think about death. I want out of this trap. I want out of this Hell that I’ve put myself in. Every time I think I’m strong enough to overcome, I fail, time and time again. I believe that God is her. I believe He wants freedom for me. I’ve started making steps in the right direction. But sometimes I collapse, hard and I don’t feel like there’s anyone there to help me stand back up. I feel alone and in the dark. Sex is my drug. It solves every problem long enough to numb the pain. Then the problem recreates itself. Where is the freedom? The freedom is in His name. In His blood. I know that before I can reach what I ultimately desire, I have to leave this behind me.