My family and I recently moved, leaving one modest home for another closer to my kids’ school, as well as my office.  With the move came a larger lawn, which we have been happy to have.  New neighbours came with the move as well, and one of them blessed us with his lawnmower.  He saw me using my old reel mower, and took pity…

I was happy to receive his generous gift.  The next day I filled the mower with gas, and tried to start it, only to have it leak fuel all over the driveway.  After pulling it apart, numerous problems were very apparent.  The neighbour who had gifted the mower saw what was happening, and was deeply apologetic, bordering on embarrassed.  He was trying to help, and feared he had only hindered.  I reassured him I was thankful, not the least bit upset…

I realized there was a problem when the fuel started leaking.  Once I removed some parts, there was a lot more to the problem then the cracked fuel line I initially saw.  The mower is still in pieces, and hopefully this weekend will allow time for it to be reassembled.  Hopefully it will live another day to cut the grass…

We are not always great at recognizing problems until the proverbial fuel begins leaking, revealing problems that have taken some time to build up.  Addiction to pornography has a terrible ability to erode us over time, turning us into something we were not prior to involvement with porn.  We become increasingly selfish, focused on our own pleasure and needs above that of others.  We become callous, losing our ability to empathize.  We view and treat others as objects meant to please us, denying their personhood.  We fear being caught, both for the shame and embarrassment, but also due to the response we will receive from our loved ones.  We are shamed by our actions, and our lack of ability to control them.  We bear the guilt of these actions.  We begin to blame others in an attempt to justify these actions.  When our loved ones ask what is happening with us, why we seem on edge, distant, angry, etc., we do not tell them, further isolating ourselves.  This process is not easily apparent – it slowly creeps, and we find ourselves far from where we started…

Recognizing that I have a problem is not difficult once pride is removed.  When I am honest with myself, it is pretty clear what needs to change.  The difficulty is coming to a place where the pride fades, and the honest reflection increases.  Once there, I can focus on questions surrounding guilt, shame, fear, and blame.  In the account of the fall (Genesis 3:1-13), guilt/fear/shame/blame are introduced.  Intimacy between God and Adam, God and Eve, and Adam and Eve was permanently tarnished.  When these are present in my life, I can be confident the intimacy I am trying to foster with God, with my wife and children, with friends and family, etc. has been tarnished.  If there are things I am doing that lead to those four feelings, those things either need to be adjusted, or stopped altogether.  Usually the latter…

I want to be clear – I am not speaking about upholding other people’s unrealistic expectations, I am talking about your own expectations for yourself.  The character traits that you value, that you want to represent, that make up your identity.  The sin that you know separates you in relationship with God.  If what you say, do, and think are not lining up with what you value regarding your character, you will have problems reconciling what you say, do, and think.  Learn to recognize these things, as well as the actions that are causing them, and you will be able to recognize the problems you are having.  It starts with honesty…

When my neighbour gifted the mower he was confident it would run well.  It had a few seasons prior, and he had no reason to believe this would not be the case.  Unintentional neglect had led to the problems.  It is all about intentions.  If we intend to build a relationship with God, our actions have to follow suit.  If we intend to be engaged spouses, parents, friends, family members, coworkers, etc. we need to do what is necessary to be that.  Be honest with yourself – the only thing you have to lose is your pride…

Andy Lundy is a psychotherapist in private practice (www.junipertree.ca) in Newmarket, Ontario, Canada.  He can be reached at [email protected].

Twitter:  @Leaky_Boat