The “Porn Talk” & Accountability

by Kevin E. Outland on August 20th, 2013 in Parents

If your kids are into porn they’re probably not going to tell you about it even if they want to. Why? Kids often feel trapped. They know they shouldn’t be looking at porn but they’re too scared to say anything. They’re scared of what you’ll think of them. They’re probably really scared of the punishment they think they’re going to get. So they’re in a weird state of limbo. They know they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing but they’re afraid to get help. That is not a good place to be, as things aren’t going to magically get better.

This is where you come in. It’s time to have the “porn talk”, which is much different from the “sex talk”. The “porn talk” is a frank discussion about what is out there and what they have seen. The “porn talk” requires amnesty and that has to be stated up front. Whatever they tell you about there experience with porn will not equal any punishment. Full amnesty. The “porn talk” also needs lots of love. Your kids need to know you love them no matter what they have looked at. The goal of the “porn talk” is to get the whole thing out in the open. Your kids will feel a huge relief getting their secret out into the light of day. No longer will they be trapped and they’ll be loved.

Ok, you’ve had the talk. Now what? Accountability. Your kid’s confession doesn’t mean they’re cured. They are probably addicted to porn on some level. So they have to be kept accountable or they can easily slip back into bad habits so you need to help them find an accountability partner. It’s probably a good idea if it’s a youth pastor or other youth worker. It needs to be someone mature that they respect and trust and someone who can ask them freely if they’ve looked at porn recently. Parents don’t put yourself into that role if you can avoid it. Having an outsider be their accountability partner will most likely lead to more success for them. Having your parent as an accountability partner could be too much pressure on the kids, which can lead them to want to please you. Meaning they may tell you what you want to hear even if it’s not true.

Having someone to be accountable to is a great way to help your kids get past their urges to view porn. Just the thought that they’re going to be asked if they’ve looked at porn can be all the motivation they need to make the right choice. Could they lie about it? Sure. But a good accountability partner can see through that and ask more questions to get to the truth. Porn may be a battle for your kids but now it’ll be one they won’t have to fight alone. 

For more about leading an open and accountable life, be sure to check out XXXchurch.com founder Craig Gross’ new book: “Open”, available here.

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