I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

If you have ever loved an addict you know what it feels like to be a catcher in the rye. You know what it feels like to have a bunch of people running around you; spouse, kids, extended family members, coworkers, friends – what feels like thousands of people playing near a big, crazy cliff. You know what it feels like to think your job is to catch anyone or anything that may fall over the edge.

You know what it’s like to believe that you are responsible for other people’s behavior.

And if you’ve ever loved an addict you also know that recovery is a very delicate, fragile thing. It’s a process with ups and downs and good days and bad days. And we’ve had some really bad days. The kind of days that make you reexamine priorities and decisions. The kind of days that can make you second guess yourself (and maybe even lose faith if you aren’t careful). I have watched my husband move to the edge of the cliff. And I have watched him make his way back.

For me, these are the days when I find myself standing in the rye once again.

I talk a lot about my recovery from codependency and the freedom that comes when you no longer feel the burden to catch someone going over a cliff. Standing in the rye puts that to the test. It is really, really hard to watch someone you love dance near the edge and have to resist the urge to do things that you think will guard him from it. It’s hard for me to watch my husband struggle with limits and boundaries, to see him lose his balance. It’s especially hard to watch someone you love fall. But, it’s been incredibly refreshing for me to know that I’m not responsible for what someone else does. I am only responsible for me.

It’s freeing to know that no matter how close to the edge my husband gets, I will be ok.

Craig shared Hebrews 13:5 in his message and it has been in my head ever since. “ “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” This is the only promise that we need to cling to and yet we so easily lose sight of it. No matter how much we have failed or abandoned God, He will not fail or abandon us. He is our rock on the hard days and there to pick us up when we fall. He is also there on our great days, rejoicing with us.

In Isaiah chapter 41, God makes a similar promise. “For I hold you by your right hand—I, the Lord your God. And I say to you ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.” This verse strikes me not only because of the comfort and encouragement it brings but because of who this verse is directly addressing and why. God is talking to the Israelites who have been wandering in the desert for years and continue to fail to follow God and realize what He has for them. They were blind, lost and wandering and yet God still promised that He would never fail or abandon them. This is a pretty heavy promise for a group of people who continued to fail. God could have easily turned His back and given up on them and yet He still was there and promised His presence and peace all along the way.

So with this promise that God will always be there and never fail us, why is it so easy to be consumed by loneliness? With amazing friends that surround and support me, why is it easy to be so lonely? I think the answer lies here: Satan. This is the one trick he can easily get away with and make me believe, especially as a woman who struggles with porn. It is so easy to get back into thinking that I am the only woman that struggles with this and I feel so alone. Thus begins the cycle of giving into my temptation, feeling guilty and alone and then giving in again. It is an ugly and vicious cycle that I sometimes can stop but other times nothing can seem to stop it.

So, here are a few steps I suggest you and I do the next time we feel alone before getting to the place where we give in to our temptation:

1)    Read and/or recite Hebrews 13:5 and assure yourself that God is right there and is not leaving. Lay these feelings of loneliness at the cross and rest in Him.
2)    Reach out to a friend. Give someone a call and just tell him or her that you need to talk or just be with someone. Don’t beg him or her for reassurance or praise; just be with him or her. This may just mean playing a game with him or her or going for a walk.
3)    Find something you enjoy (a hobby, craft, movie, etc) and do it! If you are still lonely, find a friend to join you in on the fun!
4)    Journal out your thoughts and specifically journal out a prayer and be raw and honest with God and your feelings. The more honest you are, the better it will feel and the more relief you will feel.

My prayer is that we can get farther away from feelings of loneliness and closer to feeling complete in Christ. He is all we need and He knows what is going to help and hinder us. We have to cling to Him and trust that He is there in the good times and the bad.

Adelaide Brown

As you search scripture, we are told to stay away from all things sexually immoral. The apostle Paul even says to flee from it. Though often, we are confronted with the sexually immoral, and there are times when we don't flee. I guess that's where the confession comes in. In the confession, the son describes how he found out about his father's addiction to pornography, how it developed into something more, how his family will be affected and even how the church members will be. 

Four years took place from "original sin" in this matter and son did nothing. It's a scary thing for a child to be confronted with. A hero to him is taking a long and hard fall, and he is the only one who knows. Tough stuff, do doubt.

So what to do? Matthew 18 has a passage in it that details what to do. This is especially difficult to handle, especially since the sinner caught in sin is the father. Again, rough stuff. Still though- it needs to be addressed, immediately. You see, lives are being affected negatively already. The dad is falling further and further from grace, the wife is living a married lie; the church is being brought along with him. To say that no one knows but the son is covering up the fact that the father is unaware of his charge to care for his family and faith; church. Lead the kids the way they should go, right? How about caring for the little ones? The sins of the father will be judged more harshly that one who is not in care of others. 

But perhaps the sin is not the main issue here, at least not to me. It's about giving an opportunity for restoration- to faith, family; Jesus. No way are these relationships healthy. No way they're going to be, without first confronting them head on.

I commented on the confession blog about what I think should happen. But no way is this problem isolated to that specific confession. It's huge, really. Marriages are living lies every where we turn. Pastors are still pulling the wool over their parishioners eyes every day. The problem remains and we must be the guiding force behind helping others make the next right decision.

Steve-Oh

LoveJesus.LovePeople

This was in today's Las Vegas Review Journal.

Pornography: The word literally means "pictures of prostitutes."

On a good day, pornography is a waste of a man's time. After that it goes downhill. It disembodies both the power and the sacredness of sex. It isolates men and teaches their brains to eroticize isolation. It normalizes an artificial standard of stimulation and literally programs the male brain to believe it is unhappy with anything less than that standard. It fosters latent antipathy for women. Modern pornography is a satirical cartoon of human sexuality, cast with cardboard cutouts of human beings. It drains sexual energy that rightly belongs to your mate.

“They will never find out”

“I am not hurting anyone”

“What I do with myself is no one’s business”

“My spouse doesn’t do it for me”

“I can stop watching anytime I want”

“There is nothing wrong with it”

“It’s normal”

These were the lies I actually believed. These lies robbed me of having real relationships, and kept my mind and body imprisoned to porn. I got tired of being lied to and sought help.

Are you tired of being lied to? 

In response, the site’s creator has placed a “report abuse” button on the site, but it appears to be a button to nowhere, as the speed-dating nature of the site means that users are more likely to simply click next, especially since the site’s inception it has been unclear what actually constitutes abuse. Moreover, there appears to be no process for actually removing a reported user from the site even if someone were reported.

The site’s creator, Andrey Ternovskiy, can hardly be blamed for a lack of foresight as he is just a kid himself at 17. He originally created the site as a way to expand on he and his friends’ chatting activities, and did not bank on the site becoming the overnight success that it has.

The site’s success, and subsequent media coverage, means that people are hearing about the site and many of those will be minors. Our CTO Aaron Kenny says that his concerns with ChatRoulette go beyond just concerns of minors being exposed to indecent or pornographic content:

“Even the concept of being hooked up with a random person for a chat can be dangerous for a child, so we’ve categorized it as a blocked site,” Kenny explained. “In terms of getting something inappropriate, you can almost say the odds on ChatRoulette are even worse than playing Russian Roulette.”

Safe Eyes users will be automatically protected from exposure to the site, but parents who do not use filtering technology may want to talk to their kids about why the site is inappropriate for them, and check up frequently on their child’s computer use. Tests of the site have revealed that a user can be exposed to pornographic content in less than two minutes.

We have all been here. This is a common place to be. Not because it is okay to mess up, but because often times as Christians we look at sexual sin as being something we can just “cure.” This is not the truth. There is no magical moment when sexual sin is just GONE FOREVER. Sorry. That would be nice though. It would be nice if there were a 12 -step process that just made us “better.”

The truth is there is no once and for all answer. There is only work to be done. What I mean by that is, sexual purity is not for the lazy. Sexual purity takes work and dedication. Sometimes that dedication means getting back on the horse when we fall off. It means ALWAYS working with your accountability partner. I have had accountability in my life for years now, and I must say, at times it is the only thing that keeps me going. But it is ALWAYS there to keep me in line.Sexual purity takes constant prayer. I don’t mean that in Christianese, I mean that in saying, without relying on Christ, life gets tough. Not just with purity but in everything. Rely on Him, talk to Him, His grace is here for us all.

My point here is that this takes work. I get literally hundreds of e -mails of people asking how can they stop looking at porn? How can they stop masturbating? When I tell them the truth, that there is no magic answer. That there is real work to be done, that it will not be easy, they seem kind of stunned. That since we have a ministry for this problem that we must have found the solution to a problem that has been around since the beginning of time. That simply is not true. We have only one answer and that is: Christ Jesus loves you and His grace is given unto you freely. The rest of what we have are suggestions. Things to get you on the road to recovery. You must take them and put the time and sweat into it.

The road is hard, it takes work. That is the truth. But I am here to tell you it is possible. I am living proof that accountability and relying on Jesus Christ works. It is possible. You can beat this. You will prevail. You are worth more than the lie that is on the screen in front of you.

Grace and peace from Christ our Lord,

Jordy

I am sure people will defend this site explaining that it is simply fun and that it is not intended for sexual explicit material or gratification, but we all know that is not true. The reality is that this site is filled with boys, men, pastors, and male senior citizens who are looking for some sexual pleasure. My tech guy told me in the 5 minutes he was looking at the site his webcam landed on a middle age man masturbating. The next web cam participant that ended up on his screen was a young child. This is absurd.

Here's the point. Many pastor's are talking a lot about fighting the battle against lust and pornography and yet are indulging themselves. With so many tempting avenues to choose, men with solid families and visible relationships with God are advocating purity on one hand and abusing pornography with another (literally). This should not and cannot be. James 3:10 in reference to the hypocrisy of our tongues says,

"And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"

When we advocate purity from the pulpit and practice immorality in secret we are blessing and cursing God with the same heart. Make a stand, be an honest advocate, live a lifestyle of genuine authenticity, get support, love Jesus, and conquer the battle.

When you get honest and open about your addiction and seek help, you find out that there are so many people that struggle with the same thing and that they found hope that things could, and do, change. Have you ever thought it could just take you being open about YOUR struggle with a friend that helps THEM get honest. Is there someone you know is struggling and could benefit from you letting them know about the resources available to them? Like the resources HERE?

WHO do you need to talk to this week?

The proof comes from the University of Montreal, where recent research showed that connoisseurs easily parse fantasy from reality, shudder at the idea of dating a porn star (what would Maman think?) and wholeheartedly support gender equality. "Research contradicts anti-pornography zealots," gloated a column's headline in the Calgary Sun.

So, I've been contradicted. Presumably, I'm one of the zealots in question. My anti-porn fanaticism took the form of a 2005 book, "Pornified," in which I dared to offer evidence that all is not well in the era of Internet porn. Today, 20-somethings, teenagers and even -- sorry to break it to you, parents -- tweens are exposed to the full monty of hard-core pornography.

Wasn't it time someone asked some obvious questions? What will happen now that the first generation of men raised on Internet porn is making its way onto the marriage market? What influence does the constant background blare of insta-porn have on their ideas about women and monogamous relationships?

The answers I found to those questions were less than cheering. In dozens of interviews with casual and habitual porn users, I heard things such as: "Real sex has lost some of its magic." "If I'm looking like eight or 10 times a day, I realize I need to do something to build my confidence back up." "My wife would probably think I was perverted and oversexed if she knew how much I looked at it every day."

In the years since I wrote the book, I have heard from dozens of readers who described the negative effects of porn. One was a student at Berkeley, who observed that "ever more deplorable acts needed to be satiated" and noted: "As a child, we are exposed to things that we may not realize have formative effects. As adults, many times we simply continue without questioning." (Women, it seems, also turn to iVillage.com, where a board devoted to "relationships damaged by pornography" contains more than 32,280 messages to date.)

Yet there's still so much we don't know. Perhaps we can learn from the skintillating news out of Montreal. Let's have a closer look at that -- oops! -- turns out there is no study. Simon Louis Lajeunesse, a postdoctoral student and associate professor at the university's School of Social Work, has yet to publish a report. His findings, such as they exist, were based on interviews with 20 undergraduate males who detailed their views on sex, gender and pornography in one to two lickety-split hours.

Granted, it's qualitative, not quantitative, research, but the brevity of the interviews is concerning. While reporting "Pornified," I felt the need for more than four hours with many of my 100 interviewees. Of course, my guys could talk anonymously to a disembodied voice on the phone; the poor fellows in Montreal had to sit down and look a male social worker in the eye before confessing a penchant for three-ways. Lajeunesse asked 2,000 men before he found 20 willing subjects. Most of them, he said, were referred by women in their lives. Hmm.

And just how did Lajeunesse learn that pornography hadn't affected their views of said women? Why, he asked and they said so! "My guys want to have equal relationships, equal income, equal responsibility domestically," Lajeunesse told me. Color me dubious, but I hardly think most men would own up to discriminating against women, spurred on by porn or not.

To be fair, researching the relationship between men and pornography isn't easy. My methods had flaws, too. The most methodologically sound study would involve gathering a sample of men, scheduling regular sessions to view online porn, and comparing their subsequent sexual attitudes and behaviors with those of a control group that did not use pornography. Through a series of measures -- interviews, questionnaires, observations -- the data would be collected and analyzed by a team of objective academics.

That's not going to happen now, though it once did. Back in 1979, Jennings Bryant, a professor of communications at the University of Alabama, conducted one of the most powerful peer-reviewed lab studies of the effects of porn viewing on men. Summary of results: not good. Men who consumed large amounts of pornography were less likely to want daughters, less likely to support women's equality and more forgiving of criminal rape. They also grossly overestimated Americans' likelihood to engage in group sex and bestiality.

Yet Bryant's research (conducted with colleague Dolf Zillmann) was carried out long before the Internet brought on-demand porn to a computer screen near you. So why no update? Other than a spate of research in the '80s and '90s that attempted to link pornography with violence (results: inconclusive), nobody has looked at the everyday impact of hard-core porn. "That's a catch-22 with most studies about media effects," Bryant told me. "If you can't demonstrate that what you're doing to research participants is ultimately beneficial and not detrimental, and you can't eradicate any harm, you're required not to do that thing again."

Every university has a review board for the protection of human subjects that determines whether a study is ethically up to snuff. "It is commonly the case that when you get studies as clear as ours, human subjects committees make it difficult to continue to do research in that area," Bryant explained. "Several graduate students at the time wanted to follow up, but couldn't get permission." In other words, the deleterious effects were so convincing, ethics boards wouldn't let researchers dip human subjects back into the muck.

No matter -- people will take care of that on their own. As one young man explained, after mentioning that "porn may have destroyed my relationship with my girlfriend" in an e-mail: "I always feel that I'm over porn, but I find myself keep coming back to it. There seems to be an infinite number of porn sites with limitless variations, one never becomes bored with it. . . . It's a very difficult habit to break."

Or as one 27-year-old female lawyer noted recently: "All of my girlfriends and I expect to find histories of pornographic Web sites on our computers after our boyfriends use it. They don't bother erasing the history if you don't give them a lot of hell." The implications troubled her. "I fear we are losing something very important -- a healthy sexual worldview. I think, however, that we are using old ideas of pornography to understand its function in a much more complex modern world."

Of the many stories I've heard revealing the ways in which young men struggle with porn, I offer here just one, distilled, from a self-described "25 year old recovering porn-addict" who wrote to me in October. "Marc" began looking at his father's magazines at age 11, but soon, he wrote, he "turned to the Internet to see what else I could find." This "started off as simply looking at pictures of naked women. From there, it turned into pictures of couples having sex and lesbian couples. When I got into watching videos on the Internet, my use of porn skyrocketed." At 23, he began dating a woman he called "Ashley." "However, since Ashley's last boyfriend had been a sex/porn addict, I was quick to lie about my use of porn. I told her that I never looked at it. But after 5-6 months, Ashley discovered a hidden folder on my computer containing almost a hundred porn clips. She was devastated."

Marc and Ashley broke up, got back together and spent several months traveling in India. He continued to look at porn behind her back, and on a trip to Las Vegas, he got lap dances despite promising not to. Ashley broke up with him again. "I had never thought about the adverse effects of my use of porn. . . . I want to change. I want to be a respectful human being towards all human beings, male and female. I want to be a committed and loving boyfriend to Ashley."

This is hardly solid lab research. But it is one of many signs of pornography's hidden impact. And flimsy "if only it were true!" research isn't an acceptable substitute for thorough study. An entire generation is being kept in the dark about pornography's effects because previous generations can't grapple with the new reality. Whether by approaching me (at the risk of peer scorn) after I've spoken at a university or via anonymous e-mails, young people continue to pass along an unpopular message: Growing up on porn is terrible. One 17-year-old who had given up his habit told me that reading about porn addicts "was like reading a horrifying old diary, symptoms, downward spirals, guilt, hypocrisy, lack of control, and the constant question of to what degree fantasy is really so different from reality. I felt like a criminal, or at the very least, a person who would objectively disgust me."

Let's not ignore people like him, even if it's tempting to say, as one headline did, "All men watch porn, and it is not bad for them: study."

That's just one more fantasy warping how we live our real lives.

Pamela Paul is the author of "Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families."

X3watch iPhone update will be submitted this week to the iTunes store. We have made some huge improvements. You will now be able to have tab browsing, bookmarks and a special feature where you will automatically be able to go to the url of whatever is pasted in your clipboard. Look for the update in the iTunes store real soon.

Last week we did our first ever Porn and Pancakes with some friends from the NFL. This was amazing. We plan to do a few more of these with Jon Kitna and friends. Email michelle@fireproofministries.com if you are interested in this event for your church. We will be holding a Porn and Pancakes at the LA County Jail in April. Please pray for this event.

We have a few intern spots still available for the summer and the fall. Click here to find out more.

The latest X3 podcast is out. #39 is a bit different from the rest of the bunch. We ask people visiting Vegas what do they want to do by the end of the night? Some great responses. Click here to watch.

We have some upcoming porn shows in Miami, Jersey and Chicago that we are in need of some help with. Check out the SERVE site to find out about joining us on a trip.

Thanks for the support and prayers.

Craig

Do you think porn has affected the people around you?

And all the wives shout: YES!

My husband's addiction has certainly affected me and our entire family. It has affected our marriage, our finances, and our relationships with family members and friends. And it has changed me. At first in devastating ways, such as tearing apart my self esteem, challenging my faith, and isolating me me from people I love. Eventually, our recovery began to change me too. I've learned to love myself. My relationship with God has been transformed, renewed, and strengthened. And I have come to a place where our marriage, with all of its struggles and imperfections, continues to inch closer to resembling what God intended it to be. With recovery I have found hope.

Over the years I've learned that we, as wives, share such similar experiences. While the details of our stories may differ, the themes are so often the same: pain, anger, resentment, distrust, loneliness, grief, confusion. If your husband's relationship with pornography has affected you in any of those ways, I hope you will join me here on April 5th for the next X3 Live event. At 6:00 PM Pacific time we'll be playing a video of me sharing my story and answering some of the common questions women ask. Craig Gross and I will also be taking your questions in the live chat. 

If you have questions that you would like to have answered, leave them in the comments. Husbands are welcome to leave their questions too. I'll try to answer as many as I can. 

See you then!

Nicole WIck/Craig Gross @ XXXChurch Headquarters

Monday, April 5th

6:00 PM to 7:00 PM PST

Watch live on xxxchurch.com

 Temptation starts with a harmless thought or desire that entices us to do something that we are not supposed to do. Then next the initial thought is then entertained and explored. We contemplate committing the sin. After entertaining the thought, we commit the act of sin to fulfill our cravings and desires. In the early chapters of Genesis Eve was tempted to eat the fruit that had been forbidden to eat by God. Eve then entertained the thought, if I eat the fruit I will gain the knowledge of God. She justified the sin. How often do we do that? We say to ourselves "no one is perfect" "I didn't know it was wrong" or "God will forgive me, so I might as well do it". Then after Eve spent time thinking about it she committed the sin. Right after committing the sin Adam and Eve both hid from God. After committing sin Satan wants us to feel so guilty that we alienate ourselves from God.

If we are going to defeat temptation we must stop temptation from going past the first stage. We are all going to have tempting thoughts and desires, however, we must not entertain those thoughts. If we do, then chances are we will commit the sin.To resist temptation we must predetermine in our minds that we will not give in to the temptation. No matter how desirable, alluring,appealing,tantalizing, or inviting the sin maybe, we must not commit it.    

Fortunately we have  examples of those who responded correctly to temptation in the Bible. Abraham refused to accept a reward for service to King Of Sodom after a battle in Genesis 14:22-24, "But Abram said to the king of Sodom, 'I have raised my hand to the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, "I made Abram rich." I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me - to Aner, Eshcol and Mamre. Let them have their share."  The best and most important biblical character to study in response to temptation is Jesus Christ. Three of the four gospels talk about Jesus' experiences with Satan in the desert. Luke 4:5-8 describes it this way: "The devil led him [Jesus] up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, 'I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. So if you worship me, it will all be yours.' Jesus answered, 'It is written: "Worship the Lord your God and serve him only."'"

Jesus became man and lived as a perfect example to us. Hebrews 2:18 says, "Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

If you are going to attempt to live a life that is pleasing to God, you need to learn how to handle temptation. If you try under your own power to resist temptation you will fail.We are told time and time again in scripture to rely on the strength of God. Eph 6:10-11 says     * “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” When we are tempted, we need to go immediately to God in prayer and ask Him to help us resist the urge to commit the sin.  Everyday we battle temptation, and at times we lose the battle.  But we must keep fighting and fighting to defeat it.

 Lets review, To resist temptation…
 
A. We must understand what temptation is.

B. We must predetermine in our minds that we will not give into the temptation and sin against God.

C. We must rely upon the strength of God to help us overcome temptation.

 1 Corinthians 10:13 And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you cant stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give into it.


Steve Oh
LoveJesus.LovePeople

I'm sure by now (if you've been even remotely following this page) that you know I have writings for days (LOL), but after reading an article last night, I decided to take a bit of time off from the blog devotionals and see if anyone had questions about sex/love/lust/relationships/covenant out there.  This is the reason why:

Yesterday, I read an article on Salon.com entitled, "What Is Sex?" It was about what ADULTS actually consider sex to be/not be and what I discovered made me feel a bit like when I am mentoring in high schools and juniors don't know what the word "exceptional" means. Like how could you NOT consider some of these acts to be sex?  I'll copy and paste an excerpt below so that you can get an idea of what I mean:

"The study, published in the February issue of the journal Sexual Health, randomly surveyed 486 adults, most of them heterosexual, between the ages of 18 and 96. They were asked the following question: 'Would you say you 'had sex' with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was [blank],' and then followed more than a dozen 'behavior specific items.' A press release reports that 'two out of ten people did not concur that penile-anal intercourse was sex, and three out of ten said 'no' to oral-genital activity, as did half of the respondents about manual-genital contact.' And, while 95 percent classified penile-vaginal penetration as sex (one has to wonder what does count for the remaining 5 percent), that number dropped to 89 percent in cases where the man doesn't ejaculate."

Are you serious? I mean, they must be because it's in a fairly reputable national magazine. But I must admit that as I continued reading all that came to mind (other than "That's crazy...so when people contract an STD from this "non-sex sex", I wonder what the "S" stands for-LOL) was the following two scriptures:

"There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body."---I Corinthians 6:16-20 (Message)

And, especially, Hosea 4:6 (NKJV):

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge."

And so, over the next few days, I'm curious to know if you have any serious questions, comments or concerns that we can biblically explore together in a way that will provide you with some greater clarity when it comes to this AWESOME gift known as sex and the CRAZY way(s) the Enemy (John 10:10) tries to attack it.

Looking forward to hearing from y'all.

Remember, knowledge---even and especially when it comes to sex---IS POWER...and POWERFUL!

Shellie

I was looking at how much time I actually spent on porn in a day. Thinking about it, planning how to get it, covering it up and defending in my mind how I wasn’t hurting anyone in the middle of it. Making arguments with myself and with people around me that it was normal, I just had strong sexual urges.

I really had no idea that my addiction was affecting people around me. I was so consumed with satisfying myself, I didn’t see the pain I was causing others. Either directly hurting them or just distancing myself from people that loved me by not being in a real authentic relationship with them. Everything in my life was manipulation, white lies, and how to get to a place where I could be alone.

Do you think PORN has affected the people around you?

But today, at 2:46am in the morning, I am sending this lil' shout out, prayerfully, as a confirmation to some and an answer to others. This is specifically for women who may be undecided about a relational fork in their "heart road" to take.

If I've said it once, I've said it a trillion timeS: when it comes to the courtship movement surrounding Proverbs 18:22 ("He who findeth a wife finds a good thing and obtaineth favor from the Lord"), I really wish people would research the word "find" more often.  But more importantly, I wish more people would spend time in Genesis 2:18 where the Lord BROUGHT the Woman to Adam. Finding is cool and yes, if a man finds a wife, OF COURSE, because we are helpmates, he finds a good thing. Oh, but if we are BROUGHT, because that is how it was done in the "perfect world", that is far better.

Now if you read the Marriage Preparation series, then you are more than familiar with all that by now. This blog entry is actually about one particular angle of "brought". This is for the women who feel like the Lord is actually leading them to be, on some level, the initiators of the process and are wondering if it's right...since so many of us have been told that it's wrong.

Just for clarity's sake, I'm not talking about the desperate stalker chicks or seductresses. That's another blog entirely. I'm referring to the young women who are prayerful, who strive to live a life of holiness, who are single and there's something nagging at them to do something that just doesn't seem...traditional. To give a man a call. To invite him over for dinner. To make some kind of first move. I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Now this ain't no Cosmopolitan article. I don't feel led to give an "5 Steps to Get a Man" insights. You have your journey and I have mine. Each recipe is individualized. But if you are seeking clarity, I am going to make three brief recommendations:

1) Spend some time prayer journaling about the following passages for personal revelation: "Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it. You are all around me—in front and in back— and have put your hand on me. Your knowledge is amazing to me..." (Ps. 139:1-6-NCV) One of my absolute favorite scriptures is the Message Version of Proverbs 28:9, "God has no use for the prayers of the people who won't listen to him." Everything about you and your personality plays a part in your purpose. Even if you are driven, ambitious, tenacious...and what the "world" may call a bit "aggressive". And here's the thing: NO ONE KNOWS YOU OR YOUR FUTURE LIKE YOUR CREATOR DOES. Some of us in this life are "Rachel" (and had a man work for years to get us) and some of us are "Ruth" who...well...was seen by Boaz because she made herself known. They were both godly women. The formula was not the same but the results were somewhat similar...and actually when you think about it, Ruth probably got the better end of the deal (LOL). If you are in the beginnings stages of a relationship and you don't know what to do, wise counsel is cool, recommended even, but go to the Lord, the one who knows you and the person you are inquiring about FIRST. There's not nearly enough people providing prayer before counsel; who seek foresight before offering insight. Which leads me to #2.

2) Cop the book, "The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules" by Carolyn Custis James. One day, as I was in prayerful contemplation (borderline mild irritation) about what to do in my own journey as one of those driven, ambitious, tenacious, aggressive women, I was in a discount Christian bookstore and "came up on" this book for $6. IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE IN THE SENSE OF PROVIDING ME WITH PEACE. One day I just might write an entire book about it all, but let's just say that one day, a couple of years ago, the Holy Spirit (John 14:26) visited me and said, "I want you to write so-and-so a letter." That directive has rerouted me and my way of viewing relationships on so many levels. Ruth made bold moves, but the Lord was in on the plan. He knew her. He knew Boaz. He knew what it would take for them to come together. Tradition never trumps obedience. Get the book. Clarity is in it. Guaranteed.

3) Listen to the following podcast by Pastor David Hughes (http://www.cbglades.com/podcast/greater-things-bicycles-and-blue-chairs/). And you see, here's the thing: the main part that I want you to focus on, while it's all pretty good, is the very beginning and very end. A little girl's, A LITTLE GIRL'S bold move changed the course of her life and led her somewhere very special...to her destiny. She was the heroine in this story.

Is that it? Yep. Quite honestly, that's all I really feel led to say. When it comes to matters of the heart, I've learned to be "slow to speak" because there is death and life in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). I'm not trying to start something that shouldn't be started or abort something that shouldn't be aborted. All I know is, it's now 3:22am, I have a class in the morning, and I was awakened with the urge to pen this out...to let some woman, somewhere, know that no, you are not crazy for thinking that the Lord may be telling you to do something in a way that defies what/how MAN (who is flawed, by the way) taught you things should go. I believe the Lord honors chivalry but I know that he appreciates total surrender to his will even more. Women aren't supposed to pursue? Well, I know one place where that is totally not true and that is when it comes to the pursuit of our Father. Go to him and follow just as he leads.

...and keep me posted. I too would love to know who I got up this early for. (LOL)

Send me a wedding picture when it all pans out.

EVERYTHING has at time...and a purpose.

For someone, this would be it.

A sign...a step...to lead you...somewhere. ;-)

(Oh, and if you're someone who wants to write me to criticize this, it wasn't for you. The person it's meant for will understand. That's also a guarantee!)

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

Do you mind if I call you John?  I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”.  We’re not friends, but I really dig your music.  In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday.  Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.

I read part of the interview you did with Playboy.  I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so.  I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past.  I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.

I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography.  I know a bit about this:  I was a porn producer for 9 years.  In fact, Playboy was one of my clients.  I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions.  One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore.  I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now.  But that really doesn’t matter.  You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself.  That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point:  I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).

That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian.  I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this.  Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world.  With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate.  Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit.  Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.

John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn.  The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models.  But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly.  Sex related work does weird things to people, John.  I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks.  It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside.  I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.

One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore.  I usually respond to that question with a few of my own.  You ready?  Here they are, John:

What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself?   Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one:  ”this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”?   Of course not!  That’s just not sexy, is it John?  Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?

Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up?  That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life.  It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away.  When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech.  But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.

Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop.  We love your music, man.

Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through.  You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category.  But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality.  I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”

When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either.  See, what happened in her case was this:  daddy was leaving his office with his buddies.  They were planning to go grab a beer together.  But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses.  Dad was rather humiliated, John.  He was instantly ashamed of his little girl.  When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself.  I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.

In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business.  When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:

“Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend.  People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it.  I need to forget about it and move on.  That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you.  You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list.  I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”

Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days.  She really got me going.  But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES?  Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John?  Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John.  Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer.  I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually.  I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it.  That shouldn’t be the case, John:  God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan.  It was more like this:  ”I know how you’re wired.  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife?  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you?  You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me.  I really do want the best for you.”

The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty.  No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!”  Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected.  There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else.  John, I believe Paul on that one.  I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right.  From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”.  It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John.  Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.

Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn.  You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives.  And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou can not then be false to any man." - Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’

“I can’t help being who I am!”, my client screamed. We were in the middle of our third counseling session together, and he was contemplating his decision to stop using pornography and prostitutes. His sexual behavior had become such a primary part of his life, though, that leaving it behind felt impossibly unnatural. “It’s my nature as a guy to want this,” he argued. “If I stop, aren’t I just trying to be somebody I’m not?”

As a Christian man struggling with sexual temptations, you may be asking the same question. You may, in fact, be considering a complete abandonment of the faith instead of abandoning your behavior. The immediate payoff for such a decision is gratification. You will no longer be denying yourself the “right” to do what seems natural to you. And that may really seem more important to you than Christianity itself. But then, what is your concept of Christianity? Did God promise you that, having been converted, you would be finished with personal struggles? Was there anything in Christ’s teaching implying total fulfillment in this life? Is Christianity a religious form of therapy designed to ensure the happiness of its followers? Does it make you angry to even ask these questions? If so, you may have forgotten that the core of our faith is the Person Jesus Christ, and the expression of our faith is a life of service to Him, not ourselves.

Jesus made this clear: “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” (Matthew 16:24).

The core of our faith is Jesus Christ. The expression of our faith is a life of service to Him.

Regarding our attitude toward this primary but overlooked aspect of Christianity, Francis Schaeffer, in his book “True Spirituality”, comments:

“It is not a matter of waiting until we no longer have strong sexual desires, but rather, when we are surrounded by a world that grabs everything, we are to understand what Jesus means when He talks about denying ourselves that which is not rightfully ours.”

Ironically, then, abandoning the faith in a quest for personal happiness may well be the way to sabotage that very quest. Remember, if you are a believer, you have experienced the rebirth described in John 3:16, which is not easily shrugged off. You were given the seed of God Himself: “Having been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God.”  (1 Peter 1:23). That being the case, it is questionable whether you will ever be happy in a backslid-den state. The dissatisfaction you will feel apart from fellowship with Christ may well outweigh whatever dissatisfaction you’re experiencing now as a struggling Christian.

I am who I am… I can’t be at peace unless I’m true to myself.

You might argue, “But I am who I am. That’s my nature, and I can’t be at peace unless I’m true to myself.” I would argue the same point, changing the noun. You are indeed who you are—a Christian. That’s your nature, and you can’t be at peace unless you’re true to yourself.

    20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

    23 The man said,
           "This is now bone of my bones
           and flesh of my flesh;
           she shall be called 'woman,'
           for she was taken out of man."

    24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

When the truth of my husbands sexual addiction came to light I believed that we would never get back to the type of connectedness that God had intended. I felt so vulnerable and exposed. WIth each confession I felt less and less a part of him and more and more alone. If you would have asked me then, I would have told you that things would never be the same. How could I ever trust this man again? How could I ever feel that I was one with him like I did in the beginning. In our beginning. I was convinced that the marriage plan that God created in Genesis 2:24 had never been intended for me.

Shortly into our recovery process I started to experience a little bit of hope. As my husband began to make amends and became honest and accountable I started to wonder if our marriage could get back to where it had been. Would we ever have what God intended in the beginning? As I struggled with whether God could pull off this kind of miracle I started to pray Genesis 2:25 everyday. "The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame."

As I prayed this verse over and over God showed me that it is about more than being ok in front of each other without our clothes on (which I will say was very difficult for me at that time). What he showed me is that his intention was for us to be bare before each other. Completely transparent. Totally vulnerable. Without secrets and without shame. I began to earnestly pray that we would get to a place where we no longer had anything to hide. That we would get to a place of honestly and trust as God had intended. That we could be naked and feel no shame.

Three years later my husband and I are still a work in progress. But, we are so much further than I ever dreamed we would be. If you are on this journey with me my message for you is that there is hope. Hold on to it. My prayer for you is that you will once again have a marriage relationship that is naked and without shame. As it was in the beginning.