Spouses - Confessions - XXXchurch

shipwreck

User Submitted — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:32:22 -0800

I'm 43, married with 3 children. I'm addicted to porn. Started getting into it at 13 or so - magazines and such. When I grew up I would go to the video store and was a regular renter. When I started to to have sex with my girlfriend - now my wife - I got her into porn as well. We would watch together and she had her own. I always thought I wanted to marry a freak and I thought I could make one. Well, I did and porn became a part of our love life that was just always there. In 2001 I was converted and gave my heart to Jesus Christ. That changed everything...I had a massive video collection that I tossed. I went from watching porn everyday (Now, sometimes I say I did something everyday but I mean once a week, but I mean "EVERY DAY") to NOTHING for almost a year and a half! Thank you Jesus! But as my initial salvation experience began to change into my 'life in Christ' I found some of those same desires. Before Christ I would have said "there's no problem with this". Nothing wrong with it and no reason to change. But when I fell in love with Jesus he changed my mind and heart about this. I felt terrible and that I had betrayed the purest trust I'd ever been given. And of course I had to live with the consequences of my former life too. My wife did not and still has not accepted Christ. So although my addiction was well known to her - my confessions to her of stumbling just seemed like an accusation against her. After a few confessions to her over time - she let me know that she didn't want to hear it. Like Paul said "what did you get from those things of which you are now ashamed?" I got pain and regret and plenty of it. I found what I was looking for outside of God and it's a total shipwreck. So as time has gone on I've learned to deal with temptation from the front end. Always going to where it starts. It may end at the computer but it starts at TV. So I fight it at the TV and I pray for holiness daily. This has worked well giving me at first 4 or 6 months in between 'episodes'. Then longer as time has gone on. Before this last time on friday it had been 2 years. So friday I had a nice juicy argument with my wife - the deep kind that you can only get after 20 years together. And I'm going to be very honest here. I said to God - "ok, if You're not going to save her and if it's going to be like this I'm going to do what I want." I didn't set out to watch porn but I took down my defense and opened the doors. Even after two years I still know exactly how to slip down. "It's the things that come out of a man's heart that make him unclean". I still have plenty that's unclean. And here's the most humbling part for me. Two days later my wife came and apologized for being in a terrible mood and laid her heart out to me so that I was able to minister to her. God had a blessing for me but I was angry and unwilling to wait. I am prideful and petty, forgetful and blind. I'm sorry Father, I'm sorry wife for what I've done. I don't deserve Your grace and am ill equipped for the position I'm in with my family. Father restore me because my salvation and sanctification is YOUR idea. Make me holy BECAUSE YOU ARE HOLY! When I believed that Jesus was raised and confessed that He is Lord-You gave me a deposit for my eternal life - a part of You to live in me. So for Your sake don't let Your enemies (the old me) prevail over You. Destroy 'them' and and let us be done away with them. In Jesus name. Amen.

Revenge is Bitter Sweet

User Submitted — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 10:41:12 -0800

I found out 3 months into marriage that my husband was addicted to pornography. Not only that, i discovered he had a criminal record, was placed on the sex offenders register for two years, and had black and white mug shots of my sisters, best friend and the pastors wife (for his own dirty pleasure) hidden on his phone.

I have spent the last year and a half battling with this, trying to love him through it, forgive him, pray for him, seek counsel from church, God, counsellors etc.... until one day i gave up.

I have now been seperated for just over a month. And it felt so good. I know that sounds bad, but its like id shed the burden, shed the emotional weight of living with his sin.

the only thing is....and here is my confession.....i have now had sex with 3 different men in the space of that one month. And more than twice with two of them.

my husband found out about one and i convinced him that we didnt have sex, that it was near but not quite - i think he believed me. It tore his heart out and he cried. He never cries.

But my anger and my pain threw up on him - i screamed at him saying 'you drove me to it! Your the reason i left you!' I justify my actions because of what he has done to me.

In a sick way im glad he found out - i want him to know that this is the consequence of treating your wife like a piece of nothing. I wanted to point out that i am attractive, that i could have any man i wanted but that i chose him! So why wont he love me???

Im so messed up. I am now just as bad as him. I have committed adultery and so has he. What is left of our marriaage now? I cant be with him, and he cant be with me.

Revenge might feel so sweet, and sex might feel so good. But in the end, i have officaily lost out on all chance of reconciling with my husband - i have stooped as low as him, and been a hypocrite along the way. I will never forget the day i married him.

Revenge is bitter sweet - so just dont go there.

A Spouses Cry For Help

User Submitted — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 11:04:29 -0800

My husband has struggled with porn and masterbation since we met. My biggest problem is the lack of trust. I have been open and honest with him regarding my falls in internet use and masturbation and he says he is doing the same but every 6 months or so I find out somehow he has been doing things he shouldnt and swearing to me he's porn and masterbation free. No struggles, no falls. The last time it was an entire month of videos on his cell phone. And I just cannot get past it. I have always bounced back fairly well and started over believing he would be true to his word this time. but it's been 11 months since this particular incident and there was even anther one since and I am still hurting so bad and so angry and I don't seem to be able to forgive him. I don't know how to anymore. I am so suspicious of everything. It is bondage I know it is and each day it is debilitating my life more and more. I am afraid to leave him home alone, I worry when he gets gas or goes to the store. I know by now I can't stop him or make him be transparent, but how do I be ok with it? How do I stop feeling like living a normal life and him being alone isn't a stupid mistake? even when I do manage to leave him home alone how do I make the thoughts of how stupidly nieve I am being stop???? How do I get the love back I once had for him? One of the most painful things with all this is it's slowly eating away at even our past. All of our happy memories are being taken away from me. It's like even the really good things we have done or had between us are all tainted by his lies. I look back on something and remember that he was hiding this or that when we had that special moment. He is truly a good man in soooo many ways. But this is eating away at every part of our life and every thought I have revolves around this somehow or another. I've never seen the ocean and he sincerely told me he wants to be able to take me there someday and my thought was you just want to enjoy beach scenery. And I can honestly say that he would find a way to go to a cold part of the ocean where there'd be no chace of him seeing a bikini if I wanted. But what kind of life is that? WHat kind of life is this? He knows how I feel. I shared my beach bikini thoughts and all the ones I have about him looking at magazines at the grocery and all. But this isn't working. Please help me. Please don't say give it to God....I don't know how tell me how. I want to live a better life. I want to not be paranoide to leave my house or walk out of the room to go pee when he is watching tv. Yes it is really that bad! Is my problem lack of forgivness? how do I forgive? How do I stop being crazy? How do I be ok knowing there is a good chance he is actually making bad decisions when he is not with me? How do I be ok giving myself to him and sharing my thoughts and emotions and my normal everyday with some one who is very probably lieing to me and hiding intimate parts of himself from me?

I don't want this anymore.

User Submitted — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 10:28:32 -0800

(I've changed my name and some personal information because of shame)

Be prepared for a novel, please read I need prayer. I'm 22 and married for about a year and a half. It's true that the first year of marriage is really hard. Sometimes I think I may have been too young to be married but I knew my husband was the man God had for me and to be truthful I didn't want to be a virgin much longer!! The point is I have to get this off my chest and get prayer for help staying annoynmous(sp). I love to dance and sometimes I go out with friends and have maybe a drink or too casually. My husband doesnt dance but he knows how much I love it so he doesnt mind that I go out with the girls. One time my girlfriends guy friends came out and every guy that wants to dance I flash my ring and let them know their boundries. Well we hung out after and I shouldnt have in the first place but I had only been married a few months and didnt have the hang of things. The guy had made subtle moves on me grazing my arm and such and it ended with a backrub, we were not alone.... He somehow got my number and would flirt with me by text. Me being the very very insecure girl that I am was flattered and thought flirting could do no harm. Well I have gone dancing with this guy on a few occasions and allthough I have never "technically" cheated I feel as though I have through God's eyes and I am extremely ashamed because this has never been in my character. I made excuses the times that we hung out because they were times when my husband had hurt me, physically and emotionally and I have felt neglected from the puppy love we used to have with affection and the way I used to feel about him that when it came from someone else I welcomed it..... I have crossed the lines with flirting on 3 other separate occasions and I CANT STAND that I need this false security from other men thinking I'm sexy. I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE and I desperately need help. Please your advice and powerful prayers are NEEDED and appreciated. I love my husband with all that I am and there is nothing more that I desire than to be the best wife. I have been silently praying for myself for just under a year now, and it doesnt seem to be helping.... :(

Where is That Drive?

User Submitted — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 08:22:27 -0700

I was so happy because a few weeks I had a breakthrough. I was good for about 5 weeks, visually and physically. No I can only say that about physically (barely).

I love my wife so much, and want to be a good husband, and on days like today I feel like I will never be able to over come this struggle for good. I get into a "zone" where I can be good without a problem, and then I let my guard down, the Devil grabs a hold of my foot and down I go with nearly no resistance. Don't get me wrong, this is not a "Devil made me do it" type of scenario, but he is always there like - as the Bible says - a lion waiting for its prey.

I want to be so good, and I was making such good strides. I was reading this every morning, reading my Bible consistently, and praying, and yet I still broke down. I got to that place mentally where I let the dam walls to far open that I felt like I could not get them closed in time. I had been pushing the boundries for a few days, and I went too far.

I have x3 watch installed on my home computer, and so far home has once again become a refuge from the viewing of inappropriate materials, and even the temptation. Work, of all places, is where I struggle. I am a tech guy so I had the network password in my iPod touch, but removed it because it was too much to handle. I hope you guys finish the development of the X3 watch for iPod soon so I can use it again without the temptation.

I know computers pretty well, so I know how to get around to see inappropriate stuff without going to inappropriate sites and so on. My biggest struggle has been Twitter. It is amazing how many dirty pictures there are out there, and their screen names are innocent so even to the potential looker at pages visited, there would be no red flags, and I can explain my way out of them if need be, so the temptation grows deeper. I want to be good. My wife says she hates those people that work in that industry for causing me the pain and frustration that I encounter. At the same time she does not completely understand that intense chemical rush that overwhelms me to look if I'm not careful. I love her and she IS the most beautiful woman in the world. I cannot explain why those images have the effect that they do. What's worse, today I fell back into the viewing of inappropriate materials on bing's video search.

It's like those images, every part of them, is absolutely perfected to elicit all unwanted desires. As strange as it sounds. I do not look at those things and fantasize about those women. I can proudly say that since I met my wife I have never fantasized about another woman. What I experience is much more of an extreeeeeeeeeeeem curiosity that leads me to..."I wonder what typing in... will bring up" which then leads to, "Just one more word / phrase", which then leads to, "Just another minute" then...
"Wow, it's been a long time." I hate myself so much for these feelings, for these temptations. I have been honest with my wife from the beginning, and I thank God that she is a very very very very patient woman with me. I have been doing much better in my struggle, well, the struggle about which we are all here as brothers and sisters in Christ, but I need your prayer and support now. I know this has been a long post, but I needed to let it all out so everyone who reads this will be able to pray for me the way I need to be prayed for.

Please God help me, please fill me with that drive again. Renew me, refresh me, and fill my mind with the facts that I am a Christian, a husband, and a man of God. Help my wife to be in the forefront my my mind at all times. To honor, cherish, and protect.

Thank you all for being here for me and others with this struggle. I just really need prayer.

Sucked in

User Submitted — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 07:47:00 -0700

X husbands addicted. I have been suck in while looking for my husband in xxx sites on line. I found him and confronted him after about 4 months of tracking. My last research found me up all knight viewing thousands of porn files I found he had stored and on his active file account. By the am I was sick to my stomache. He refused to change his habits so we are not getting a divorce. How ever I still find myself looking for him online and also beign attracted to the sites myself. I got your address from last sundays lesson at church. I understand the brain chemical thing and how it causes the addiction. I would love to be free of this temptation and free of my desire to follow my x online aswell. I have better things to do with my time. Saved by God's grace and empowered by his love. I would like to teach others and help others navigate away form this evil bond.

Been there, done that.

User Submitted — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:03:19 -0700

My parents divorced when I was about six years old. At that time, I didn't really understand why. My dad cheated on my mom with a co-worker as he had done to his previous wife a few years before. I've always loved my dad, forgiven him from the beginning, but as I've grown older my mom has revealed more about his addictions which contributed to his habit of unfaithfulness. My father has a serious addiction to porn. His father had a serious addiction to porn and other erotic things such as strip clubs and xxxstores as well. When I was in 9th grade, I watched porn for the first time. I began to feel disgusted with myself and hated the feeling that I was hiding something from my family and friends. I knew that God knew what I was doing which made me feel even worse. After years of on and off viewing, I felt despicable for living two separate lives. I hadn't even had a boyfriend until my senior year of high school - these sexual fantasies were solely played out through a computer screen and didn't reflect any aspect of my "normal" life.

After these years of feeling so low, disgusting, embarrassed, sinful, and deceitful, I stopped watching porn cold turkey. I don't even remember when it was. The only reason I can give is that I was completely convicted by God to stop watching it. That and the knowledge that I did NOT want to end up like my father - alone. I was better than that.

Things went great for the next years, I entered college, joined a new church which I LOVE and even heard xxxchurch founders speak at my church. As they spoke, I remembered back to the days when I was addicted to porn and felt so free, but I had never, ever told any of my friends about what I had gone through. I thought about it many times, but thought they would look down on me.

It wasn't until I started dating my boyfriend, Matt, that I talked about it. Why you ask? He confessed to me that he had had an addiction to porn since he was 12. I was so surprised, but not at all angry because I remember how easy it is to fall into the trap. I told him about my family, how porn has ruined it and how I gave it up because I couldn't bear to let myself fall into the darkness anymore. He appreciated so much that I was loving and understanding - not angry. He saw that it was a reflection of God in me. He asked if we could start using accountability software which we did for a little while. Then he stopped using it. We've always been open about it - he is honest with me when I ask how his porn addiction is. For a month or two, he didn't watch it, then he started again every couple of weeks. Over the summer we were apart and he would have good weeks and then weeks where he would watch it five days in a row on his itouch. This semester, he has a lot more time on his hands than usual because he is working, but not taking classes due to some transcript issues. I recently talked with him and he said he has been watching porn about twice a week. We've already identified having too much time on one's hands as a factor that increases these negative thoughts which lead to watching porn. However, he doesn't have the money to occupy his time elsewhere and since he is not in school at the moment, he doesn't have to worry about studying. I am hoping that this will get better next semester when he has classes and work to tend to, but I am at a loss of what to do now.

I am not going to nag him to use the accountability software because if he gives porn up for ME, he will go back to it. I want him to give it up for HIMSELF. One can only be free of this when they, themselves, are ready. Not when other people tell them to stop. He loves God, but is not a "churchy" type as he says. He has been burned by two churches he used to belong to and would refuse to use any software guided by "churchy stuff" to help his addiction. I don't know who he would have as an accountability partner because I am the only one he has told. We have friends on the opposite ends of the spectrum - strong Christian friends who really don't understand what this addiction is like and friends who would think it was stupid that he even try to stop - friends who attend strip bars and probably watch porn just as much, if not more, than he does. I've read that one of the best ways to overcome addictions is to have an accountability partner, but I don't think it is my place to do so for Matt. I also don't know if he would even like the idea - I haven't talked with him about it yet.

I really am just at a loss as to what to do do handle this situation. I love him very much, he is a great person and I know that he can overcome this. We want to marry each other, but I cannot have this in my marriage. It is all too familiar. We talk a lot about being free and he knows that porn holds him back from mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical freedom. But he continues to watch while I continue to hurt. Does anyone have any suggestions?

If you were the husband, what would you do?

User Submitted — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 11:06:41 -0700

My hasband has a history of 20 + years of porn addiction. I confronted him in January of this year, 9 months into our marriage. He is involved in a few recovery processes right now.

His father told me it's my fault that my husband could not snap out of it when we got married.

If you were the husband, how would you feel about your father's comment to your wife? How would you feel about your father? Would you do or say anything to him? What would you do?

My husband has parental attachment issue which we have been dealing since we were engaged. He lived with his parents until we got married and was always taken care of by them.

I'm asking the above question because I want to know if my husband not doing anything about his father's cruelty toward me is due to the apron string or if he is just being normal like any other guys out there.

Secret Habit of Masturbation

User Submitted — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:06:33 -0700

I'm married but I have a hidden Habit of Male Masturbation. I truly enjoy the secret pleasure of Masturbation.I am 46 years old but enjoy this often.

Again

User Submitted — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 07:14:56 -0700

I confessed a few weeks ago. I really have a problem. I lasted a full week!!!!! From Sunday past the next Sunday to Monday morning. It felt so good to be able to rejoice durring comunion rather than sulk and beg for forgiveness. It was wonderful. The next morning though, I got hit hard and I have been on a filthy binge ever since. I am on messenger using webcam more than anything. There are women that I am close with that I am offering to let see my penis on webcam.

I am tired of this life but I am caught up in it. I feel depressed because I can;t talk to God. When i do I know that I will be back in the same spot in a day. There are two girls that I am really lusting after, I know that once I can get them out of the way by haveing a web interlude that I will be able to come to God and say I really am done. But I need Gods help making me feel godly sorrow so it can work repentence. I am married. I do masterbate. I need help

I lack support. I cant trust anyone with this secret.

my secrets

User Submitted — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:44:57 -0700

I am 18 years old. Ive been married for a while now but still battle some problems. I have an addiction to pornography. I can resist for a while but I always fail after a few days. I will be on yahoo and type something obscure and then next thing I know Im looking at porn. My wife doesnt know. Im really good at hiding it.

But it breaks my heart because she is so wonderful to me and I am commiting adultry in my heart. I also get involved with webcams on messenger. I try to shut my secret msn account down but it takes 120 days. I can only last about 30 of those days.

I also think about other women when I masterbate. She knows I masterbate.... sometimes she prefers it when she is too tired. But she doesnt know that sometimes Im not thinking of her. I love her. I love God. I want to have an outstanding relationship with both of them. I NEED HELP. The shortest prayer in the bible is Lord help me. What do I do. Please help me

Husband has confessed to me

User Submitted — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 09:51:13 -0700

Hello friends:
I am writing not for myself but for some information. I found porn sites on my computer about a year ago and I confronted my husband about it and he lied ofcourse, but after a few days he finally confessed he had been viewing porn and said he lied because of embarrasment and he could not expalain why a man who felt he was satisfied in life went down this road. I knew it was spiritual at this point and really tried to keep this in it's proper perspective. He says he was sorry and has sopped. but recently I confronted him to ask if he has been tempted and he said yes. I am not sure if he will return down that road again or has already I am in prayer always but at times feel I may not be able to handle it again. I really want this to be over. Can you give me some insight of what my husband is really dealing with, is he addicted?
I want to help and I feel I need to know if he has not really surrendered this to the Lord or even knows how.

Want to Stop Hurting my Wife

User Submitted — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:42:01 -0700

Recently my wife of almost 3 years, who I have been with for almost 6 years, found out that I was looking at online porn. In the past she had known that I had magazines and didn't have an issue with it until this past year. She asked if I would be okay with her throwing them out and I said okay. After that I turned to the internet. I have had a problem with porn since I was in High School and have tried to stop and asked God for the strength to stop, but each time I would fail and feel worse. This time she found out that I was also chewing tobacco, again something I have done off and on, more off then on since High School. She has caught me in the past lying to her about the chewing, but never the porn. She found out yesterday and still hasn't talked to me. I have been a Christian for most of my life and was raised in a Christian house. I have downloaded the x3 report and my wife is on the list. My Pastor recommended it to me as a way to start gaining some trust from her. I know I hurt her very deeply and at one point she mentioned a temporary seperation. She has since not said anything about it, but then again she is not talking to me. I want to gain her trust back and I want to her to be proud of the man she married, the problem is I am not proud of who I am. I have walked away from the values I was taught and raised with and feel an emptiness inside. My Dad and I are arranging weekly meetings between him and I where we talk about what I have been doing and what I plan to do as a way to hold me accountable for my actions and if I do mess up then I have to tell him. I also have a Christian friend who I work out with that is going to do the same. I am glad that I have a support system but am just scared that I messed things up with my wife beyond repair. She means so much to me and I want to be with her but don't know if she feels the same anymore.

I don't want to lose my marriage.

User Submitted — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:07:27 -0700

I am in my first year of marriage and I have lied to my wife for years about my porn addiction. I have lied to myself as well to feel better about what I have done. My wife knows I am lying and yet I continue to lie because I am scared to tell her what I am. I have to tell her now and seek her forgiveness and God's forgiveness for my sins so I can stop this. I don't want to hurt her anymore and I understand if she can't be married to someone who has lied about this for so long, but I pray that I can keep my marriage. I love my wife and I don't want to lose her to this. Please God Help Me.

I am lost

User Submitted — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 10:52:22 -0700

As am writing this i can't help having tears down my face ...:( about 3 months more or less i found out that my husband is been watching porno for who knows how long . we been married for about 6 months .. i found him masturbating one time while i was in the house and that's how everything stared . We talked and we are trying to work things out , but it's been 2 times that he hasn't been honest as an ... he told me he won't do it anymore and i know he still .. after several talks once again i just recently found out that he has 2 accounts on a porno website . i manage to go into his e-mails ( which he does not know ) and he even has favorite videos and a profile where he is looking for several partners and what scares me the most is that he check for people around the same city where we live.
I don't know what to do ... I love him .. he is my everything, but i feel that i can't no longer go on with this .... and after we talk i found out that a few weeks ago he tried to found out how to attach porno videos to his mobile. I want to help him but this whole situation is making me crazy, i am paranoid , always checking his stuff , i don't believe a word he says, so i think is gotten to a point where i want to divorce him .. not longer his wife ,but a friend i always will be and still try to help him . when i said that to him he cried like a little boy which broke my heart .. but he still lie to me when he tells me he wants to stop that... I even found out a myspace account under a different name .... i don't know what to think or do ... please i need advice .. i need guidence from someone who does not know me ... PLEASE...:(

How do u tell your spouse you been cheating?

User Submitted — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 09:28:55 -0700

I was heart broken when i first found out that my husband was looking at porn. I inprisoned myself at homebecauae i wa so paranoid and watched over him all the time if i had to. i was always checking up his stuff , emails, text messages and phone calls. Internet history. I lost trust in him for looking at porn and caught him masterbating at times. I just cried my self to sleep eveytime i found out about it. and this continued on and on util he was deployed to another country. Now that he is coming back I dont know what to expect or what will happen with our marrige. Anyhow..my question is: How do I tell my husband I been cheating on him while gone. I dont really want to give out alot of details..but my husband has been gone for a long time on deployment and during that time I have been talking to this one guy and started going out alot. I have a litte boy who also with time started to trust and bond with this guy i fell in love with. Later after my husband was deployed i started looking at "porn" and I guess i wanted to feel what my husband felt..excitement or dont know what to call it. I Dont understand why i did it if i was so against it. I even told my husband i was looking at it and he tought it was funny and didnt believe me. At times i felt that my husband didnt really care for me. He didnt want a relationship with God, or wanted to go to church with me. so there for it made me think that he didnt really want anything to do with me either. I even stoped going to church for the longest time ever just to watch him..i would say 2 years total. He became my number one priority instead of God. I guess i started looking for some one that appreciated me more, and all that stuff we woman like for our husbands to do for us. But I ended up huring my self, and also my husband even tough he is not aware of it yet. I'm supposly the christian one here and my husband is not. To make long story short i ended that realtionship i was involved in..but now how do i tell my husband what happend? It scares me that he will try to take my son away and get a divorce. I dont know what to do, please help me.

Hurting Wife

User Submitted — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 20:50:35 -0700

I am a new wife who's husband visits porn (as far as I know once in a while ... but I figure it is more frequently than I am aware of). We talk about it and he knows I hurt from this issue. He will never be the one to bring it up, and when I want to talk about it, the conversation always ends up him being mad at me and not wanting to talk about. I always state that I am not mad or angry at him and I know that it is at the fault of the devil, but I feel there is no way to talk about this with him listening to my feelings. I have experienced situations where I miss out on sexual needs because he has visited porn sites and masturbated so he is not "up to" anything sexual with me. This really hurts me. He states he will work on it but from watching these videos I have little hope that someone can work through this issue alone. I sent him the links to this website and the porn sunday message stricly out of love and concern (stating that I have provided him resources to help) but he does not want to check them out. It hurts me that he won't make the effort to stop. He says we look at this differently and that I am blowing this out of proportion. I disagree because I believe that this is a habit that can get worse over time and definitely more harmful to our marriage over time. I really desire a marriage that is righteous and centered around God. God has blessed us so much already and I feel we should deal with this issue now before it gets worse. Unfortunately, I feel I am in this battle alone without a husband who is willing to fight. I do not know what else to do except pray.
Any suggestions? If not, please keep me and my husband in your prayers.

Cheating, Masterbating, and Porn

User Submitted — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:56:03 -0800

I am married AND HAVE A 1 YEAR OLD. i call my self a christian and I'm looking at porn at times and masterbating. I was never okay with porn, and my husband was the one with the problem and i was being a spy,always checking up on him. i would find out what sites my husband had been visiting and i would always confronting him about it. it would hurt me so much that i would cry my self to sleep. ever since I got married I been dealing with y hubands issue about porn addiction for 3 years. Now that my husband is away in Iraq I met some one. used togooutlikeon dates and then started having sextual contact with each other. anyways this guy and i havent had sex but we've talked about having it. Had or had not had sex it is still considerd adultry. To make long story short me and this guy are still communicate by text messges and email. havent seen each other in a month but still have fellings for each other. i turn him on and he turns me on so then over the phone then i masterbate when i have that urge .I TRIED PUTTING AN END TO THIS MANY TIMES AND FALL INTO THE SAME THING AGAIN..I THINK THAT I JUST FEEL LONELY AND I AM LOOKING ELSE WHERE FOR THAT ATTENTION, LOVE, AFFECTION THAT MY HUSBAND WOULDNT SHOWMEWHEN I NEEDIT IT. I DONT KNOW BUT I NEED ADVICE, PLEASE. I KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS, I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP? I FEEL LIKE A HIPOCRIT GOING TO CHURCH, AND ASHAMED AND GUILTY OF EVERYTHING THAT I'VE BEEN DOING. DO I CONFESS THIS TO MY HUSBAND? BECUSE I DONT THINK I HAVE THE GUTS TO DO THAT. I'M SO SCARED THAT OUR MARRIEGE WILL END OR THAT RELATIVES WILL MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT IF IT AND MAKE THINGS WORSE. MY BIGEST FEAR IS CONFESSING THIS TO MY HUSBAND.

Hard to Believe

User Submitted — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:34:42 -0800

I am engaged to my high school sweetheart and we are getting married this summer. He had a porn addiction from the time he was 12 until he was about 16. We began dating when we were 17. About six months into our relationship, he admitted to looking at porn online. Up until this point, I didn't know of his previous addiction and he pretty much explained to me the entire story. At this time, I wasn't a Christian and he was. I held him up on a pedestal. He could do no wrong in my eyes, and I was absolutely devastated. I had body image issues and felt that it was my fault. He was always careful of how far we went sexually and was not willing to go far at all. But he was willing to look at pornographic images? It just didn't make sense to me. I thought my body wasn't good enough. He assured me that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship. He explained that it was a separate world, unaffected by the way I looked or what I did. It was very hurtful. But, he was very understanding and very shameful of himself. It took about a year for him to earn my trust back. He never got angry with me when I would bring it up months later. He was completely focused on making me trust him again.

The following year, we went to a christian university where porn was heavily monitored. I found questionable stuff on his computer and confronted him about it. He got very upset and went and told his Resident Assistant about it. He said he was afraid somebody had gotten onto his computer and looked at it so they wouldn't get caught on their own. I chose to believe him and moved on.

The following year, he transfered to a secular school for a different academic program and I returned to live at home and go to a branch close to home. Two months after going there, I found questionable material on his computer. I got very upset and he immediately began soothing me and apologizing. He promised that it wasn't how it looked. HE said that the secular college also heavily monitored illegal downloading so it must have been somebody else. It was downloaded on a day and time he would have been on campus. He also always kept his computer password protected, and said he took it off so he could watch a movie without the screen saver being on. He was very adamant about it and said that he understood how bad it looked and understood if I didn't believe him. He just kept apologizing and said he would be more carefeul. We decided to download the X3Watch from this website. I got the email confirmation that he had downloaded it. A day later, I got an email confirmation that he had taken my name off, and then another email confirmation saying it had been added. I again confronted him and he said it was because he had added his male friend to the list and had put my email address second. A few weeks later, he told me that the program wasn't working right and he would look for another porn accountablity program. He never did.

This semester, he moved home to attend the same branch I do. When looking through his internet history, I saw some hardcore porn websites. He had previously downloaded a program where you can buy movies and download them onto your computer. On the history bar, it showed all of the movies he had downloaded and then about 6 "Red Tube" sites all right in a row. They were all looked at within 3 minutes of each other..and then after it was more of the movie download stuff. I immediately questioned him about it, and he looked genuinely shocked that it was there. The porn clips weren't saved and downloaded on his computer. They were just showed on his history bar. He immediately uninstalled the movie program and any movie that he had downloaded. He looked like he felt terrible and held me while I cried and shook, all the while promising it wasn't how it looked. He said it was ok if I didn't believe him because he didn't expect me to. All of these situations looked so bad. He was so sincere and soothing. I kept thinking "Ok,I believed you the first two times while we were away at college, but could THIS be a coincidence too?" There is nobody else in the house that would be a possibility.

Recently, he asked me to sign into this email to print off something for one of his classes. I came across a spam email in his trash that was sent to him and the subject said a lewd pornagraphic words and he had opened it. In it was just a website link. I don't know if he had clicked on it and looked at it.

He is very good with computers and I am not. I do not understand why this porn thing keeps coming up to him. Nothing ever comes up on my computer. I don't get porn spam emails. As far as I can tell, if there is some website on your history bar, then you must have searched it.

I want to believe him so bad. He is always open to talk about it. He's even told me the types of things he used to look at. Once, while he was at the main college and I was home, he called me and said he had the urge to look at it but chose to call me instead. Whenever I bring it up, he never gets angry. He never gets angry when I look through his computer. He says its fine if it will make me feel better, and he has nothing to hide. Then, I find porn material. I don't know enough about computers to know if he is telling me the truth or pulling the wool over my eyes. Can anybody help?
Can websites come up on your search bar if they are "attached" to different downloaded movies (like feature films you would go see in a movie theatre)?

I want to trust him, yet this porn thing will not go away! We do so good for so long, and then something comes up to make me question him....I don't know what else to do.

I have repeatedly reminded him that I wouldn't leave him over it. As long as he is truthful, we can make it through anything.

i need your prayers

User Submitted — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 11:38:52 -0800

first off let me tell you about my self my name is Dan I am a 22 years old. I am married and have a puppy. i have been married for about 7 months now, but me and my wife have been together for about 5 years now. before we started dating. i wasn't saved and i was looking at pornography quite frequently. when we started dating I gave my life over to her and god. and I stoped the hole porn thing. I was doing good for a couple of years until i got the internet again I would end up getting board and stumble across some porn here and the "on accident". I would try to stop myself and i would for a little while. But i would find myself slipping back and getting urges again. And every time I looked afterwards i would feel awful inside. finally i couldn't stand it any longer and i broke down and confessed to my wife (at the time girl friend) and it made her feel awful about herself and our relationship. but she was understanding she prayed for me and helped me get through it. it hurt her so much and for so long. even still it gets brought back up, some times she feels inadiquite and like she isn't good enough.
well i have started looking at pornography again and i cant stop myself. i cant tell her again because i cant bear to hurt her like that again so now i have to fix it on my own. i haven't confessed this to anyone before now i really think this will help me. i need your prayers and your love and guidence. please help me!

I blame the church for my porn habit...

User Submitted — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:42:15 -0800

Yep you read it correctly I said the church*

This isn't a cop-out or an issue of deficiency in the accountability department, nor am I advocating that digital lust is okay. My plea is that I'm justified and liberty (what we all want) is kin to justification.

If you recall in psalms David often used the term blameless. A term I often overlooked or just assumed it meant something simple. But one day that word jumped out at me, and after a little research I realized when it came to iniquity David's plea before God wasn't that he was innocent, his plea was that he was provoked.

Once you have an understanding of that the question then becomes: who's the culprit? A circumstance?, a person?, a group of people?, a handicap?, satan?, well nothing falls outside of these categories so it has to be at least one of them if not more. Shockingly in my case (and many others who don't know it) it was the synagogue a.k.a the church.

Now when I say the church I don't mean just my local place of worship, but I mean the itinerary of church bodies across the nation. This subject can get real deep so I'll try to keep it simple...

Ready?

A brief history about myself; my girlfriend (at the time) and I got saved at 18 and 19. She just had my son and we were shacking up, a big no-no when it comes to the church.
So being ripe with zeal for the Lord and more prone to coercion, we were told in short if you don't get married you're out of the will of God.
Now no one can make you do anything but they can ostracize you and eliminate you from all church activity because of you dirty little secret. Wouldn't want to contaminate the other members now would we?, is this what you call a move of God or manipulation 101?

Second marriage ministries suck -sorry but they do.
They did at the time we got married and 10 years later they still do.
There's a severe lack of transparency when it comes to these gatherings probably because transparency is kin to truth and the truth is hideous. If men were honest you would hear more about their work wives, and internet wives, and how often we battle with bawdy urges that usually get the best of us.
Desperate Housewives ministers to me more than any marriage ministry ever has -taking notes?

And last which I'll end here because if you've read this far you're probably tired of reading my confession -last would be the legalistic agenda of the church.
Never mind grace, mercy, and understanding or just being an individual a with personality if it so much as smells like sin it's a no no and your going to hell.
After years of being told you can't watch this, can't wear that, you can't go there, can't hangout with them, can't listen to that, can't do this, eventually a person will break -pk's kids anybody?

So I broke and my outlet was porn. I hate it, it's shameful, and I can't even talk to my wife about it. I'm optimistic and I believe it won't always be there but if it doesn't and I stand before God and He demands an account of my behavior -I'll say; "go to www.xxxchurch.com, my justification is there in writing."

thanx for your time*

Men, how do the temptations change once married?

User Submitted — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:57:23 -0800

I pray for those that struggle with pornography because I know what a sickness it can become. By the continual grace of God, I have not struggled with it over the last four years since college, when it was off and on a struggle throughout my teenage years before then.

I still struggle with lust to this day, both with myself (without imagining anything really) and occasionally with my girlfriend of two years, going further than either one of us feels is appropriate. The guilt and shame and remorse are sometimes there, but I want to feel more repentant over my actions of not leading in purity in this relationship. We are pursuing one another towards marriage now but I want to have victory before we get married, in order to be able to stand against the devils new schemes once we are!

The devil tempts us with what we are not supposed to have, that is precisely the definition of temptation really. But what I would like to know is this...

How do things change when you get married? I am not naive enough to think that marriage is going to solve all my problems with lust, that's not what I'm trying to say. I am wanting to know what the devil begins to throw at you once you're able to be with your wife. How have you found victory both before and during marriage?

Any/all comments, recommended books and advice would be appreciated honestly.

Thanks & Lord Bless

When they lie...

User Submitted — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 21:05:26 -0800

When your spouse lies to you, the pain is beyond description. Everything you thought you had and based your life and marriage on dissipates. What seemed solid now evaporates like a mist and you are floating there, cold and alone, exposed as gullable, naive, stupid and you feel you have invested your trust (the biggest gift you own) in the wrong person.

You wonder if you ever knew the man that knows more about you than anyone else. You feel violated. You feel a need to get away. To go somewhere and breathe. Because once the mist evaporates, there's a hang time then splash... you are drowning in questions:

Who is this man?

Is it just pictures online?

Does he think of them when with me?

Am I not woman enough?

Is he unable to talk with me?

Does he want more?

Why didn't he fight harder to resist? I thought he loved me?

I thought he loved me?

What triggers him to look?

How often?

Is he telling me the truth now?

Is that a true statement?

Is that true?

Is that real?

Can I trust what he is saying now?

Is he telling me the truth now?

Was that a real response?

Are my children safe, they sure look young on these sites?

Can I afford surgery, time just keeps marching on with my body?

Is he turning into a predator?

Would it be better to get out of this relationship and not live under the stress of being lied to and now wondering if he's telling the truth ever?

Would life be better without any relationships at all?

This hurts so much!!

THIS SUCKS!!!!!

FINALLY CAUGHT

User Submitted — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:33:29 -0800

Like another "confessor" I have been "into" porn since about the age of 12. I was saved when I was 20, for over 20 years now. Yet, I ahve struggled with Porn all that time, up and down, never a true victory. Well my wife discovered the truth last night and I am RELIEVED. I know this will be the beginning of my true healing. We will put into place mechanisms that will keep me, at least at home, from falling into this again. I am sure there will be more temptations down the road and some stumbles, but no longer will I be enslaved to this, but will be fully surrended to the Lord. PLease pray for US as we work on restoration together and through our church. God bless.

It hurts!

User Submitted — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 08:55:48 -0800

So you think porn doesn't destroy lives and change marriages think again. I for one know it does as it destroyed mine. It started with simple pornography online and turned into a real world immitation of what I saw. My wife and I became involved in "swinging" and it destroyed our lives that we had together. So here I am now 3 years later looking back on what I did and regretting every moment of it. My kids live thousands of miles from me.

Trust me when I tell you that porn does destroy lives, maybe not at first but eventually.

Sincerely and prayerfully,

A renewed soul