Women - Confessions - XXXchurch

Visiting erotic site

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:48:30 -0800

I am 36 and single, but now in a beginning relationship with a man. I have been in one longer relstionship before. I've never had sexual intercourse, but have engaged in other sex activities with these two men. The one I'm seeing now is a very open man when it comes to sex, and I know we have an intense attraction towards each other in this way. He really turns me on, and it's mutual. We have sometimes engaged in phone sex too. I have decided I want to back off on the sex part, bc I want to do it God's way - and wait with sex - even though it will be hard... This man is also a chrisitian, and understands and agrees.

My recurring problem is a desire to read erotic short stories online. I'm turned on by pornographic stories about women being forced into sex and liking it. I never watch pics, just read short stories. I cannot use addiction as an excuse. I am capapble of saying no, but when I want sex, it's not easy to stop, and I choose to do it anyway.

I am active in a church and really am serious about my faith. This is a sin I've never spoke about to anyone. Please pray for me to look to God and His ways, and give up my flesh. I want to wait until I'm married, and I still don't know if this guy I'm seeing will be my husband. He is a great guy, but he isn't sure that he has enough ' feelings' for me. Even though we have an amazing friendship and amazing sexual attraction... But that's anoother story... Thanks for reading my story. I'm happy to get input and possible advice and help.

Lara

Being Honest with Myself

User Submitted — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:56:18 -0800

I was 5 years old the first time I saw a pornographic photo. I was at my baby-sitters house and in the bathroom right next to the toilet were magazines. I picked one up and it was hard-core to say the least. Like the video of Noelle I have never forgotten that photo. Years later when I was 11 I masterbated for the first time and scared myself with my body's reaction. It was so strong. I tried not to do it anymore but all thru Jr High and High School and College I masterbated. I didn't have sex until I was 18 and that choice was taken from me by a boy I had just met. I went a little nuts after that and slept with many guys over a period of a few months. I am now 40 and my need for orgasms can be so strong that I feel like I'm going to die if I don't have one. I can't think clearly or process anything until I have one. In the car, the office, home...I just pray and pray and I still can't seem to get past the overwhelming need I have. If my husband hasn't made love to me in a few days I go nuts and then I just have to masterbate. I hate it. I want to be pure in every way. To not think about sex, orgasms, hoping my husband won't be too tired from working all day to love on me that night is so hard. Porn...sometimes. Mainly though it is the actual orgasm. Any advice? Am I a sex addict?

A battle between good and evil

User Submitted — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:53:32 -0800

since I was about 17yrs old I started to get into a lot of sexual things. My boy friends wanted me to have phone sex with them and it turned into a regular thing. I have my good days and my bad days. It seems like I will go for about a month or 2 and then I start pleasing my self and finding random porno sights to look at on the internet. I am in full time missions and it's killing me. I have to confess that I really need help and I don't know where else to go. Even when I have my family and close friends around I get so tempted. For me, it's almost like I can feel when lustful people are around me. Almost like it's in the atmosphere. Please if you have any suggestions I ask that you comment. I want to be free of this bondage that's holding me back.

Constant Struggle

User Submitted — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:47:24 -0800

I was first exposed to porn when I was 13 yrs old. I'd stay up late watching TV...and came across a show on HBO and it seemed to have escalated from there. I would watch it and then masterbate...its started with on late night TV to going on the computer and downloading videos....then deleting traces of it before my parents could find out. I was 17 yr old and I told God I was done with it and I rededicated my life to him....Then it began again a year later...I finally had to confess to my mom, I needed help...she put blocks on everything and that helped....Telling my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done, I didnt want it in our marriage or in our home or especially around our baby...but its still not easy, unfortunetly its a disease and I have to fight to have the strength to not look at it...

Gay porn

User Submitted — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:44:35 -0800

Hey,
I'm a 19 year old female student and I really struggle with watching gay porn. I'm not sure why, I think maybe because I have trouble with self cofidence in my own body so I prefer not to see women with nice bodies. It started when I was about 16.
Since I've come to university it's got worse, because I didn't have to worry about anyone at home finding out.
I'm a Christian and love Jesus, but it's really holding me back with my relationship with Him and other people.
I need to talk about it but I can't stand the thought of talking to someone face-to-face about it.
I've asked Jesus for forgivness but feel digusting and don't know what to do.

I want to end this.

User Submitted — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:44:06 -0800

I have never told any one this, but i feel so safe sharing here.

I have been a christian for most of my life. Just short of a year ago found and read some of a book about sex basically. To be honest, i read the word 'orgasm' and was like "what is that?" I had never really thought too much into that stuff (I'm 18 by the way). As i was reading it i started to want to know what it was like and what it felt like.... so i caved in to masturbation. Little did i know that that one action would lead to almost a year of regret and shame. I feel awful about what i've been doing. My actions have brought me away from God and hurt my relationship with him. Not only that, but since then i have met an amazing christian guy and have been dating him for six months and have begun to realize that my selfishness will probably someday hurt him too. I just feel so awful, but am finding it difficult to stop.

My own worst enemy...

User Submitted — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:42:39 -0800

I am my own worst enemy. I hate myself for it. I can't stop masturbating and lusting. I know its wrong but i do it still. Even after encouragement i go and do it. Its disgusting and i hate myself for it. I feel numb to it now which absolutely scares me because i feel there is no redemption or repentance for me. i ask for forgiveness yet go and do it. Even if i make it a few days i go back. I am a hypocrite. I have to help lead a youth group, i have an amazing woman of God as my girlfriend yet i am so freaking selfish and do this. It numbs me and makes me cold and i feel dead. It erodes my relationship with God. I don't feel Him or know if He wants much to do with me anymore. I am sick of my hypocrisy. I haven't spent time with Jesus in a while and i just run to this idol of lust. Its turned into a god in my life. I must die or i die, hopefully im not already dead inside. I dont want to just talk but DO! Thats why i am my worst enemy I go for a bit then drown myself. I dont set myself up for victory because my flesh wants to lust and have it accessible. How will i make it. I fear all will be stripped away because of myself. I dont want to abuse what God has done for me or stunt my growth or relationship with Him. Yet I go and do the things that do just that. Save me oh God. I feel like Paul who says "Oh what a wretched man I am.." yes thats me.
Please I dont know what to do and i feel hopeless more and more.. I want to conquor and overcome but I have this disgusting flesh that is very much winning.. I want that to change. It must..

Tired

User Submitted — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:24:12 -0800

It's been about four years since I fell into a pornography and masturbation addiction. I was in college, left largely alone and lonely, and despite my faith in Christ, my curiosity got the best of me. Before I knew it I was in over my head. I have been struggling with this completely on my own and gotten nowhere.

Things have finally reached a head. I am so tired of carrying this guilt around. I am so tired of feeling like the only Christian woman with this problem and I am so tired of letting this be a wall between me and a closer relationship with Christ. I am preparing to be married in a little over a year and my fiance deserves so much better. The time to start saving our marriage is now.

I've been terrified of confessing this to anyone for so long, for fear of being ostracized and disgraced. I hope that after taking this step, I can take the next step towards accountability. I would covet your prayers and advice. It's so good to know I'm not the only one out there.

Proverbs 31 mom except for secret habit: Help!

User Submitted — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:17:19 -0800

I'm a 43 year old mom who has been aware of porn since I was a kid and I guess "addicted" to it since I was a teenager. When I was a kid, my stepdad had porn magazines around all the time and he thought it was hilarious to show them to my sister and me and say "some guy's gonna do this to you someday"--my sister & I would say "eeww, gross" and he would laugh like it was a big joke. Needless to say, I would sneak peeks at his magazine stash whenever he wasn't home and then masturbate, probably starting around age 9 or 10. I think the routine exposure to porn as a kid warped my sexuality, as it was seen as no big deal to look at it. From the time I was 15-21, porn was a regular part of my life, as I had a 30-year old boyfriend who was always bringing home videos and magazines to show me. I got to the point, and still struggle with this, that I could only be interested in sex if I viewed porn first. I'm married now, and no one would guess that when I'm home alone, I struggle not to go get on the computer & look at porn. I am a Christian, do not drink or smoke, so this is like my only "vice"--but I am disgusted with it. I feel so abnormal, as women are not "supposed" to be interested in porn, and like a failure as a Christian when I view it. I try hard to be a "Proverbs 31" type wife & mom, but looking at porn hardly fits into that picture! Prayers and supportive comments would be appreciated!

Dirty and Broken

User Submitted — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:31:09 -0800

It all started when I was 11. I was flipping through channels late one Saturday night and stumbled across a show. It was soft porn and it really intrigued me. I would sneak and watch it every weekend. I counted down the days until I could watch it. This went on for a few years. I would go on chat rooms and talk to older men, feeding my lust. It made me feel mature and important. Eventually I stopped watching and stopped going on chat rooms, but the thoughts were always there. I went from 15 until 17 without going back to any of this.

Then during my senior year I was so stressed and it seemed my horomones were going crazy. I started masturbating. It started out only a couple of times a month. Its like during that time, my problems were gone. It was only about me and I could relax.

Things seemed to get worse from that point on. By the time I turned 19, I was doing it everyday. I even picked up a new addiction along the way. I started reading fanfic and it seemed innocent enough, until I found the NC-17 rated stories. I couldn't stop reading it. I would wait until everyone went to bed and would read for hours, building fantasies in my mind. At times I would feel guilty for the content and masturbating, but it didn't matter...that was my time and my body. It was my right.

Sex was constantly on mind. I pushed God away and stopped going to church. I didn't read my Bible or pray anymore. My walk with God was gone. And I was depressed and angry all the time.

Then 2 months ago I met a guy at work. After only knowing him 2 weeks, and only really talking to him for 2 days...I had sex with him.

That snapped me out of my daze and God revealed to me my downward spiral. I have never felt so dirty, ashamed, used, or broken. I absolutely disgust myself when I think about all I've done.

I still feel so dirty and used. I haven't read anymore stories...but when all the guilt and emotions get to me, I have turned back to masturbating. I don't know how to stop. I want to so badly! I know this is such a selfish act and I want to stop. I want to be pure again. I want to become all that God has planned, but I can't reach that until this addiction ends.

Please pray for me! I need strength and healing. I really don't know where to even begin.

I'm really ashmed of myself

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 10:56:38 -0800

I have struggled with addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex for as long as I can remember now. Tonight I even sought out a prostitute because, I felt like I had a "bad week." I am so ashamed of myself, of how selfish I am and how much I have allowed this sin to take over and control my life, and how much I have not sought out God's help. Please pray for me that I can recover and be healed from this sin. I pray constantly to be cleansed, body, mind and spirit, from this ultra-powerful addiction. I really need to share this, thanks for listening.

Addiction

User Submitted — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 10:15:48 -0800

I am a 20 year old female and am addicted to masturbation and porn.It started when I found books of my parents about sex and the images turned me on. This led to me exploring my body and masturbating to orgasm which felt great when I was doing it but afterwards made me feel so guilty and the worset Christian ever. When this started I was a Christian and still am and wonder why I should be struggling with this.I am a role model to so many other younger girls in my church and want to be this so badly but feel like Im one person on the inside but present a different image to the outside world. I have been addicted for about five years and I just want it to be over and want to learn something so that I can share it and encourage others with it and need the strength to do this.

Past addictions haunting me again.

User Submitted — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:34:17 -0800

I am a 19 year old female, and recently my old addiction to porn and masturbation has been haunting me again. I was exposed to porn in the 4th grade. In the 7th grade, I began to turn to porn when my hormones acted up. I was depressed, and I got made fun of in school for being chubby. I guess I started watching porn because I wanted to be them originally. I wanted their bodies. I wanted boys to want me like they wanted them. After a while, I became more and more addicted. I felt so dirty any disgusted with myself that I pushed God away entirely, too ashamed to face him. I looked at porn everyday, I even talked on sex chatlines with men because I liked feeling wanted. When I reached my sophmore year in high school, I turned back to God, and I was able to find strenght to quit my addiction. For 3 and a half years, I was completely clean and I never thought that it would come back. Last year I started going to a Christian college. Somehow I found myself looking at stuff again. Just this last couple of weeks it has been worse then ever since I gave up my addiction. I just got engaged and my fiance is having the same issue. Clean for 2 and a half years, just now struggling with it. I am ashamed to say this but I am worse than he is. Last year was the first time that I told anyone. I always thought that I was the only girl with this problem. Now I am able to talk about it and face it, and this time I will not push God away. But it needs to stop NOW. For both me and my fiance. I need prayer and advice.

Where does it stop???

User Submitted — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 21:20:20 -0800

I am a teacher, new Christian (former Catholic), I listen to Christian music and services to help me when I am working on research for my dissertation. I got to church and help out in the children's rooms. I would consider myself smart. I can rattle off a list of ways I have helped people. But, I still hate who I am. Porn was one of those things that I thought, "Oh no big deal" it just helps me relax, a few minutes each day won't hurt anything. A few minutes has turned into a few hours. One day a week has turned into several times a week. I won't cross that line....well the line has been redrawn over and over again. I will stop tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I will stop moves to the next tomorrow and the next one. It is eating away more than just my time, but also my sense of who I am. But, yet I go back to it. Over and over and over again.

I finally need support

User Submitted — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 14:00:06 -0800

I have a bit of a story here...My sister and I were repeatedly molested by my uncle, at the time (he and my aunt have since divorced) when I was 4 years old. My father had been diagnosed with cancer (stage 4 colon) and we were left with my aunt and uncle alot (my father was saved and has been cancer free for 17 years now, praise Jesus!). I began masturbating (the word makes me want to vomit every time I write or say it) during that time, I guess I didn't realize it was an abnormal or sinful behavior. As my life went on it was just something I did. Once I was rescued by Jesus Christ though, I realized it was something I needed to stop to be able to live a fully committed life to Him. It has been my secret struggle ever since then. About 3 years ago, God freed my heart from the bitterness and stronghold of the enemy and my now ex-uncle for what he did to my sister and I, but I still masturbate frequently. I remember growing up thinking, "Okay, that was the LAST time. Please forgive me God!" Then two weeks later there I'd be again. When I began dating my husband, I found that I was able to be more in control of it, even though there was nothing to "compensate" for it because niether one of us were sexually active until we were married. We have been married for 3 years now, and he has NO idea that I struggle with this sin still. I've told him about when I was little and all of that, but I am afraid it would hurt him too much to know what I am doing. I am ashamed, disgusting, and desperate...I finally need support in this, because I can NOT do it on my own, but I can NOT share it with anyone I am directly connected to either. People in my circle look at me as a leader, and I've even helped people with this very struggle...how can I turn around and go to them? I know they would say they don't judge me...but I know them better than that, which is sad and judgmental of me, I know...but I can't help but feel that way. I want this morning to be the LAST time! Please help me!

sex (whats biblical, whats not?)

User Submitted — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 11:10:35 -0800

I am a 19 year old girl. I need some advice. I am about to get married and my fiance told me recently that he is interested in bondage, role play, and dominatrix. I need to know if these and other different forms of sex(anal, oral) are in any way unbiblical. Of course i would wait till after marriage and probably later down the married road. But is it truly biblically wrong to have sex in these ways?

thanks,
just wondering

Digging out of the deep

User Submitted — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:47:59 -0800

I've been struggling with an addiction to porn. What an ugly truth to admit...

I came to the conclusion that it had been permeating every part of my life. For example, I realized that I couldn't look at a good-looking man without thinking sexual thoughts about him. I hid this mess from my friends and family. I lost my sense of what was pure and holy... My Bible quite literally collected dust on my shelf.

I guess my addiction started as innocent curiosity (or that was what I told myself at the time). I was raised in a VERY conservative Christian home, and I had claimed the Christian faith for my own. One problem--I had questions about sexuality that I simply couldn't ask my parents. You certainly didn't discuss such things in church either. So I looked for answers on my own. One thing led to another. Words led to photos, photos led to videos... Thoughts consumed, and I was hooked. I had a problem, and I could blame nobody but myself. I am still a physical virgin (really just didn't want to risk pregnancy), but my mind was anything but pure.

God broke my heart. Convicted me. I was struggling with an addiction to porn while going to church and singing hymns. I wasn't giving Him everything. "I Surrender All"--what an irony that was. Meanwhile, life's circumstances hit me hard--with various things happening in the lives of me and those close to me. I needed someone to hang on to. I went crawling back to God. And I realized I needed to let Him purify me of this addiction. It never was befitting of someone who claimed to be a daughter of the King of Kings.

I still struggle with the temptation. The other day, I caught myself typing a certain address into my web browser, and almost hit the 'Enter' key before I realized what I was doing. It was habit.

But I also realize there's still hope. I'm just digging myself out of the deep recesses my thoughts had pushed me into. I want to think on what is pure. I want to see the opposite sex in a healthier way. I want to be holy. I want God to be the center of my life like He once was. All things are possible.

My silent struggle with masturbating...

User Submitted — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 10:23:22 -0800

Its started when i was about ten years old. . . Didnt really know what i was doin then 'experimenting' i guess. At that time it mean anything to me because i left it & actually forgot about it for some years,what i didnt know was that while id forgoten about it a seed had been planted it my mind that would later hunt me down. It became a regular thing when i was in my middle teens,the urges had taken control of me so much that i felt it was my RIGHT to do it, I also didnt feel guilty about it any more because i had managed to shut God's voice out! Once He was out the way i could masturbate almost everyday,almost anywhere. The more i masturbated the more self absorbant I became. Masturbating was a release for me,it was a 'safe' place where nothing else beside me mattered. It was also a place where i could forget about my problems. I knew masturbating was wrong because it felt wrong,but My hunger to satisfy my deep lust grew more & more in me. So much so that i began wanting to make video clips of myself getting satified by myself! Which would intern turn me on even more & make me want to do it again and again. I hated doing it! But i no longer could help or control myself so i would give in to the lust. Over & over & OVER AGAIN.To make a long story short my help came only when i recognised i had a problem & one i clearly couldnt solve myself! I asked God to help me & He did step by step. He taught me through scripture what was expected of me as a new creature in Christ. The Holy Spirit revealed alot to me concerning sex and our sexuality & it also over laps to other daily activiets, also how it changes our characters. Ive learnt that sex is sacred & holy. Strictly 4 the married. Keeping your mind pure by meditating on the word of God and focusing on possitive things helps greatly on controling the urges. I couldnt have done it without God. All praise and honour to Him. Amen!

learning to break the cycle of lust as illustrated in kings

User Submitted — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 21:31:31 -0800

I have spent most of my Bible study time in the Old Testament (OT). In the OT there were many a king and many of them sinned against God in the same way. These kings would marry women from other lands even though God told them not to. The wives would influence their husbands to practice pagan tradition and worship pagan gods. God would of course get upset and many a time almost destroyed cities but a prophet would intercede on behalf of the city.

My previous problem is similar to that only its with sexual sin and my boyfriend. We have never had sexual intercourse but we have performed oral sex on each other. We would be "good" for a while as in all of fall semester (Sept-Dec.) and then over winter break things were out of hand, where we fell back into sin. I am not going to lie, in the heat of the moment it is a very enjoyable experience. After the fact it truly hurts because we know that we sinned against God. We are both Christians and have been together for almost 2 years and are waiting for God to tell us it is okay to marry.

For this new year we want it to be free of sexual immorality. So far so good. I'm just asking for xxx's prayers. We need prayer to get through this. It seems that everyone here has struggled with sexual sin at one point or another and knows what it's like. God bless everyone !!!!

Trying

User Submitted — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 12:11:54 -0800

I have found over the past year that giving up pornography is not an easy thing to do. I have fallen to temptation, and even in my mind warped sins to look ok when they are still sexual addiction. I have let myself think it is ok to chat with people about it and basically have cyber sex, I am wondering many times what has happened to me that this is what I am turning to. Most of the time I am fine and not actively participating porn, etc. that make up a sex addiction, but rather I have found complacency to be a problem. I am not realizing that it is a problem or a temptation often times. I just seems like I am in a monthly cycle of messing up. I am also realizing that I can't do this by myself or because I may disappoint someone thats not enough to stop me. I am trying to run back to God but I am seeming to be my own worst enemy. It is hard to keep pushing forward when I want to give up and give in. I need to be renewed.

free at last

User Submitted — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 14:54:03 -0800

I have known Christ almost my whole life and asked him to come totally into my life when I was 14, but my problems started even earlier, may be 10 years ago. Now I'm 22 years old and I've been pure about 5 months, only thanks to Jesus.
My problems with masturbation started about 10 years ago. In the beginning, I was just curious, I had read something about it and I wanted to try. At first I didn't understand how sinful it is, I realized much later what I was doing. I have to admit, I haven't had big problems with porn sites or porn movies, but more with my imagination, scenes from books and from regular movies. I even remember some scenes from movies I watched 10 years ago, how sick it is! My imagination was too good, my memory was too good and before I noticed, I was totally addicted. For years I dealt with shame and with guilt. For years my worst fear was that someone would figure it out what person I really was. I prayed a lot that God would free me from that thing, I prayed constantly but I fell and fell and fell back to it. Longest period without it was 6 months but then I fell back to that cycle again. I hoped that when one day I would marry then I would be free, I asked God to give me marriage. A few years ago I heard one pastor who spoke about it, that we shouldn't keep our sins to ourselves. I knew about the bible passage about confessing our sins to ourselves and it bothered me a lot. I wanted to be free, but I was far too ashamed to speak about it. I felt it shouldn't be women's problem, I thought that I was the only one with this, alone (at least among my friends and in my congregation).
Last summer I was in one christian student camp and in one of the first evenings this subject came up. God spoke to me in that evening and I knew I had to go and spoke it to someone. I was still so embarrassed, I waited one week there and when I had 2 days left there then I went to one of the counselors (I choose one from the furthest country there, because I was so afraid :). And yes, it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but it just made me free. I encountered with such love, I would have never thought it was possible. And the same evening I went there, after that I got a passage: Isaiah 54:4-8, that was the most beautiful thing (I didn't sleep for the whole night, but it was worth it). For me it was the moment to become free. For someone else it could be the beginning or one important step in the way, but for me it was the last step. I'm just so grateful to God and my heart is singing when I think about it. I know I still have to be careful about pictures in TV (I don't watch much TV anymore) and about novels I read. I hate this sin totally, but with God everything is possible. Yes, I for a few months after that I was still a bit afraid of falling back. I had temptations, I saw bad dreams at night, but after one prayer with my friends, God took all fears, he took all dreams. These old pictures in my memory don't come to my mind anymore.
Than you, God, thank you! I would never became free without you, but now I am free at last!

battle

User Submitted — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 14:53:35 -0800

If I tell you my story , i think it is a 200 pg. novel. But i'll try to make it short here focusing only on my problem and how God is helping me through it. I'm glad that i 've got to find a site like this where people are true and real have guts to say what's really happening to them. Like them,I wanna be real.

I've been battling masturbation for many years since fifth grade now i'm 25. It's been on and off. On the past years it's been frequent but as my relationship with the Lord deepen He helped me deal with it. I have victories and failures. Sometimes, I tried many times to fight it but in my own strength I always give in even how many times i say im sorry, i always find myself in the same situation again. Then i 'm tempted to view porn, but i can say i'm not addicted to it i viewed bout 4-5 times only...and I decided to avoid it and by the help and grace of God i'm able to fight the urge of watching again because it's really tempting. REALLY. But that view of porn had affected me soo much than i expected. I thought now that i do not watch it will not come but during times im alone it haunts me. I'm beginning to think of lustful thoughts and Lust cloud my mind then i began to masturbate. I always say to God I don't want this anymore. I'm tired of this, get me out of this rut im in! and i feel ashamed after on what I've done. But when i began to think of what the Lord has done on the cross to cleanse us from all our sins and to set us free from all habits and bondage. I feel a baggage left me.WE are Free.indeed. we just have to claim it and live it.

It all started when I was 4 yrs. old. I was molested by several man. Incest by a family member... as a lil child what can I do? I grew up with that shame....hunger for true love of a father. I was an adopted daughter. My biological father died in an accident. My mother who can't raise us 5 children have to give me the youngest one to a missionary then the missionary gave me to a friend who wants a baby. I'm grateful for my family, it was a blessing. I was raised in a christian home...but i searched for love. My foster parents we're both very busy so we both grew up me and my other adopted brother sort of rejected...But still we love our parents so much. Then i was 4 yrs. old i was molested. It left shame, hurt, and scar to my young soul. But i come to know God in a young age and learn to love God. As I was growing up identity crisis struck me...in search for some love and person who will understand me. I became a tomboy. I find company in a friend and we sort of bf/gf. Years of that shameful thing i began to be so obsessed w/ her. Even Im involved in a ministry in church. We keep it. hypocrite. Time came my parents learned of it and we parted ways. THANK GOD. That time i still had that feeling for the girl. . . But God is doing something good out of my mess and shameful life. I came to know God more...my relationship deepen and He helped me get out of that dark bondage Satan puts me in. He lifted me out of the Miry Clay and into the rock. He cleansed me with His Pure Blood that drips on that cross of calvary...God redeem me! Now, I'm serving the Lord, grateful of what He has done in my life...although I still struggle many times of masturbation which i know the effect of everything i've been through. I know help is on the way. God will help me fight and resist Satan as I submit myself to HIm.

I haven't tell this to anyone before. Now is my first time to share online.It's in my heart to share my story to people. But I still don't have the courage to tell my friends and people. But i know one day I will conquer my fears and tell what the lord has done in me. to testify about my life. I know He already takes my shame away but it must come to my soul.
It's a relief that it's not only me have gone to things like this, and we as children of God can help each other to fight Satan and help each other.

That's my confession. That is me. peaceout.

First confession

User Submitted — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 10:27:03 -0800

I have been viewing porn. Not often, but I know the temptations is always there. I view the extremest and more violent, although I stop part way through viewing if I worry that it's not fantasy. But I don't care enough and try to find more rape fantasy porn. I have always had a problem with viewing porn, but it's more extreme in content since a brief sexual relationship with a man who told me about his ex's rape fantasy. Sowed a seed, which I have fed. I need help.

Who am I? or what am i?

User Submitted — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 09:42:17 -0800

Hi
I am 47 years of age. I am saved and even feel there is a calling on my life. Thing is i have a problem with porn. This started when i was about 12. i had an older cousin who lived with my grandmother. He was rarely there so when i visited my grandmother i and my brothers would slip into his room. One day we found Penthouse. Thus began a addiction i have yet to beat. Now technology has made it easy to get porn. I must have more than 30,000 images of nude women on this very machine. I have attempted to delete them but find it very difficult. Along with the images are the movie clips and full movies. It's not straight porn i crave but lesbian porn. Part 2 of my troubles is i hate being male. I in fact would love to have a female body and think i should have a female body.

i dress primarily in female clothing, jeans, shirts and underclothing too. Even some make up every now and then. You know, i feel whole, pretty and content when i dress as a female. I have so often purged as we in the cross dresser world call it when we toss all our things into the trash or good will bin. However, that desire to dress always returns. it is a very powerful desire that i find impossible to overcome.

I would like to be one or the other. male or female, while my body pronounces me male i can't really with confidence say i am male. i hate my flesh, all of it because it feels so wrong. i learned to hate erections too and often abused my body beating myself in the groin with my fist. I have also taken some estrogens. not enough to really tell but i can tell they have affected my body some.

i have a compound problem, i want to please my Saviour while at the same time i hate myself for the person i am both male and female with a porn addiction. As a child girls often called me Frankenstein or ugly. i was never popular with any one male or female and pretty much a loner. i also as a child about the age of puberty became attracted to lingerie. I use to walk through the lingerie section of department stores just to feel the lingerie brush across my arms . Or to smell the sent of new nylon, satin, silk, and elastic.

I also remember becoming so excited while looking through a sears catalog. While at school i use to wander into the girls locker room while they were out on the field. It felt electric and i felt free. I have seen one pastoral counselor about this. He said i had evil spirits in me and had a older woman attempt to cast them out. Another preacher i attempted to talk with about this just looked at me in disgust and walked away after telling me it was my daddy's fault i am this way.

I need help. i can not do this any more. I did not say i did not want to do this any more but i can not continue to practice this and please God too. Oh, every relationship i have had with females fell apart leaving me crushed. I also have never enjoyed straight sex or i should say sex as a male. it seems like a chore to me and i did not enjoy it. So what do i do. Jesus did break the bonds of sin on the cross. So why do i and others struggle with this.

if i wear male clothing i feel lifeless and dull and incomplete. Believe it or not, currently i live with my brothers and parents due to a lay off. i can walk around here dressed completely as female and they won't even notice. I mean make up, a bra with forms and female jeans. They don't even notice. Am i male just because my body says i am? Or could i really be female in a males body as the CD/ transsexual support group says? I have prayed myself about this asking God to release me from this prison but still i am trapped. What do i do? Please inform me.

New life!

User Submitted — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 10:05:56 -0800

My introduction into the world of sexual activity came at a painfully young age. When I was 3 years old, I was molested by a male babysitter. This caused a deep, dark wound in my soul that I chose to keep hidden, because I was ashamed. As I got older, and learned what sex really was, I started struggling with improper sexual thoughts and feelings (which I now realize to be a result of my early abuse). Confused, ashamed, and conflicted, the only way I knew how to figure out my feelings was by playing with dolls and writing. It was difficult, and the older I got, the more dirty, ugly, and worthless I felt.
When I hit the teenage years, I became *obsessed* with what I thought would fill the huge hole i had inside of me - boys. Romance, and finding a suitable boyfriend, were all I cared about.
When I was a sophomore in high school, my dream finally came true. A boy asked me to be his girlfriend - and I more than happily accepted.
Unfortunately, my eagerness and my lack of self esteem made me a target, and he knew it. The abuse began pretty early in the relationship. At first, it was just verbal. Pretty soon he started coercing me into sexual acts with him. Then, it got physical. If I refused to preform sexually for him, he abused me. I can't even begin to explain the horrors I went through. He (as well as his father, brother, and best friend) had problems with porn. Looking back, it seems that I became a source of "live porn" for them. More than once, i was forced to expose myself to my boyfriend, his brother, and his best friend. It was humiliating.
During our relationship, he introduced me to masturbation, and for whatever reason, I got hooked.
The last straw in our relationship came when one night he attempted to rape me while acting out his sexual fantasies. By the grace of God, it did not happen, and after I left his house, I decided that this HAD to end. I broke up with him shortly afterward.

Even after we broke up, however, I continued to struggle with masturbation. I gave my life to Jesus in November of 2007, about 6 months after leaving my boyfriend. I vowed never to give in to sexual sin again.

I started dating another boy in march of 2008. Unfortunately, I quickly fell back into old habits, and the sexual activity began with him, too, as well as masturbation. Many times I tried to quit. I never could. I tried to tell my boyfriend i wanted to stop doing sexual things with him, but he would always whine and complain that I wasn't "letting him show his love for me". Eventually, I always broke down and gave in and the cycle would start again.

This summer, 2009, I had had enough. I really, really loved Jesus, and I knew in my heart that what I was doing was wrong and separating me from Him. My hunger for Jesus became stronger than my hunger for a boyfriend. It was very, very hard, but I broke up with my boyfriend - I knew there was no other way if I wanted to stop sinning!

It's not been almost 3 months without my boyfriend, and I am happy that I can say that it's also been 3 months since I've masturbated or participated in any type of sexual activity.

I can also say that my life is 1000X better now. I feel so much closer to God, and I feel happy, healthy, and for the first time in my life - I feel *beautiful*. Who knew that the way for me to feel loved, desirable, happy, and beautiful was not through masturbation, sex, porn, or men, but to totally rely on Jesus Christ?

Praise God for all that he has done! If he can change my life, he can change anyone! :)