Confessions - XXXchurch

found God through darkness!

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:52:31 -0800

I'm Matthew I have been addicted to porn for sometime now and I actually got into gey and bi porn at a young age after getting so into it I found places where I could watch men in the sexual acts though I never actuall got into it I have let other guys touch me but never actuall got into the sex as I enjoyed the watching soo much that that was all that mattered to me to watch guys in sexual acts oneday I finally admitted to my father that I was Bisexual and that I was happy but then even though I did all those things still prayed to God for forgivness and tried many times to turn away from all those things I did manage to stay away for months at times but still ended up right back where I didn't wana be! so this day that I told my dad about it I was fine and ready to go out and tell the world what i was and that I didn't care but then something happened to me and I started to pray like i never prayed before I told the Lord I was done with being a sinner and that I wanted to be his servant please take me as i am as a sinner and all that I have done God came back to me he restored a peace in me and a happiness and joy within me and I can clear say I love the lord more than anyone or thing on this planet I can honestly say that Sex and all those thing s i was into have not gone from my heart and soul there are times when I am reminded by memories but i stand strong and say GET BEHIND ME SATAN! ! !! and i renew my mind and one thing revealed to em in the last few weeks GOD was there all the time and I just never reached out fully like I did that day and I am glad I did cause only thing that gets my attention now is the blessing's I recieve AMEN thank you Jesus! !! ! !

I am a hypocrate

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:51:39 -0800

I have been in ministry for over ten years now. Full time Pastor for six years. I have never confessed to anyone my addiction to internet porn. I know all the right things to say about it and have even seen some men get healed and freed up of sexual addictions....but me, I rot in my pit of slime. It steals from me my intamicy with my Father in Heaven, it steals my intimacy with my wife, it robs my church of my time and energy. Oh God, forgive me please and free me please of this unclean obbsession. On all other fronts, I do well. I have been healed of deep inner things that ruled me once. I now confess to the world here that I am in active ddiction and need freedom. Please pray that Jesus will free me so I can help free others. help the rescued be the rescuer!

Desperately Seeking for a New Direction!!

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:51:15 -0800

This is new for me.. Im 19 and in college and I feel like I wear a mask. I grew up in the church and was the guy everyone pretty much liked, always serving and seeming so "perfect" at times. I started using porn at 16 and ever since than its grown into something I cant control. I would switch back from striaght porn to gay porn to masturbation and feel so guilty and disgusted I couldnt live with myself. When I started going to college, I felt free of porn , and temptation... BUT than I went home and failed every time. A couple of days ago I went beyond the fantasy and wanted something real, something I could touch so I met w this couple from this site who invited me over and it went too far. I drove home that night crying and wanting to kill myself i was speeding ready to die and something stopped me, Ever since that night I cant even look at porn the same its like a numbness that it disgusts me but now I feel so ashmaed and I cant sleep and I cant talk to anybodu and I feel like Im living this lie and I feel so low and I know God forgives and He loves and I hope that He can for give me...

This is difficult.

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:50:17 -0800

It's taken me a LONG time to get to the place to admit this. I feel alone in my addiction. My confession is that I'm addicted to masturbation... I guess I mostly feel alone in this because I'm a girl... everyone makes it out to be like girls never have to deal with this stuff, so I guess that's how I'm feeling... This addiction has been a problem for approximately 5 years I guess.

The curse

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:49:48 -0800

When I was probably 4 or 5 years old I discovered masturbation and had no idea what it was or that it was wrong but just that I liked it and that I began relying on it. It has cursed me since then (I am now 19) and only developed from there. It turned into a soft core porn addiction only lately. How do I have the strength to tell a boyfriend that I only want to peck on the lips but don't have the strength to tell MYSELF to stop? Only two people in this whole world (and God) know about this and one of them I no longer talk to. I feel dirty, ashamed, like the scum of the earth. I feel alone and like a sick pig. I love the Lord Jesus with all of my heart and want to serve Him and I have been drawing closer and closer to Him lately. I have gotten involved with an awesome group of Christian college students who love the Lord and yet I could never tell them my secret because they would think I was such a pervert. I am disgusted with myself and have no one to go to. I heard about this website and decided I had nothing to lose and it is somewhat encouraging knowing that I am not the only person out here. Especially a girl. That is hard to come by. I don't really know what else to say but that I don't really know where to go from here but that I know I want to stop so that I can be sexually pure again for my future husband. I hope I can find some accountability.

I NEED SOME HELP

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:49:06 -0800

I have been a christian for all my life. I keep strugleing with this on and off problem that keeps occuring. I have known of porn sence 8th grade. My brother introduced it to me. I regret it so bad it has changed my life. I always feel the urge to look at it and it makes me so mad when I do it. After looking at it I pray to god and say sorry. It was really bad 2 years ago where I was watching it everyday and masterbateing to it. Somehow I was able to stop the habit but now it has reoccued and I feel like it is comeing on really strong so I figured I would ask for help before it got way out of hand. Please help me and give me advice

Now stay down!

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:48:51 -0800

...uh-oh. Here it comes again...here comes that disgusting urge to gratify my sexual desires via the internet. After I screw up, yet again, all I hear ringing in my ears over and over are the words I would imagine Satan saying after my parade of sin is through, "This time, stay down!". It's so loud and shameful that I usually can't even find the courage to cry out to God for forgiveness! I don't ever want my perfect, loving, beautiful Lord to know the disgusting things I've done. But, he already knows. Sometimes, I find myself laying in bed with my comforter over my face crying and screaming, "Why! Why did I do it again?!". But, the truth is, I did it again because I ignored that still small voice in my head. I chose not to listen. I decided at that moment that my desires were stronger, so, I shamefully gave up the fight. Then, I wake up on Sundays and go to church and pretend everything is perfect. And the fact that I even think that I'm worthy after a display like that to walk up on that stage and lead others into worship makes me sick! I shouldn't even be aloud in the same room as God! I feel like I'm drowning. I feel alone. I know I'm not...but, I feel as if I am.

Visiting erotic site

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:48:30 -0800

I am 36 and single, but now in a beginning relationship with a man. I have been in one longer relstionship before. I've never had sexual intercourse, but have engaged in other sex activities with these two men. The one I'm seeing now is a very open man when it comes to sex, and I know we have an intense attraction towards each other in this way. He really turns me on, and it's mutual. We have sometimes engaged in phone sex too. I have decided I want to back off on the sex part, bc I want to do it God's way - and wait with sex - even though it will be hard... This man is also a chrisitian, and understands and agrees.

My recurring problem is a desire to read erotic short stories online. I'm turned on by pornographic stories about women being forced into sex and liking it. I never watch pics, just read short stories. I cannot use addiction as an excuse. I am capapble of saying no, but when I want sex, it's not easy to stop, and I choose to do it anyway.

I am active in a church and really am serious about my faith. This is a sin I've never spoke about to anyone. Please pray for me to look to God and His ways, and give up my flesh. I want to wait until I'm married, and I still don't know if this guy I'm seeing will be my husband. He is a great guy, but he isn't sure that he has enough ' feelings' for me. Even though we have an amazing friendship and amazing sexual attraction... But that's anoother story... Thanks for reading my story. I'm happy to get input and possible advice and help.

Lara

what matters?

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:44:46 -0800

its not that late. only 1.30am.
but my eyes are heavy and dry. i just had to write something tonight. get it off my chest and even if no one reads this and even if no one replies it wont matter cos its still there in front of the light.

i feel like a failure. i feel like i will never beat this. i feel like life has ripped me off and i get annoyed because i wonder why dont other people i know struggle like i do?

God has seen it all. I believe in Him absolutely. but i really dont make a good job of following Him and choosing Him when it counts. but i love Him. I love my God so much.

I know it isnt a 'click your fingers' cured kinda addiction, but knowledge although a weapon isnt a saviour.

im not going anywhere really with this and im not really confessing anything sorry but im sure its easy to tell im struggling.

'my flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73.26

blessed assurance.blessed truth.become realitly.

why do i keep failing

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:43:04 -0800

so i have been into this junk for around 9 years, i got my first taste of porn when i was 9 years old, i was riding my bicycle to this bridge and i was looking over the side of the bridge and i saw a magazine, i hoped over the rail and picked it up, the instant i picked it up something inside me dropped and i knew i shouldn't look at it but i wanted to look so bad, i made the terrible choice to take the magazine home, i hid it in my closet and would look at it almost every day, I look back and think how my actions now would be different if i had left the magazine behind, the magazine wasnt like a victorias secret magazine it was a 'hard core' magazine, i eventually was so sick i burned the magazine with our trash but i then found porn on the internet and the internet has been the main source for me up to now. The thing that really gets to me is that i didnt grow up in a bad home, i grew up in a great home, both parents were overseas missionaries and my entire family is heavily devoted, I have also grown in my faith alot and i am going to a 2 year bible college in the fall, but all throughout the 9 years i have seen pornography it has been in my life, i have tried almost everything and i still end up going back to porn in the end. i got the x3 watch software but my accountability partners aren't themselves devoted to stopping yet. there are so many more things i could bring up but i guess what i want are you guys to pray for me. my name is Davy and i need your prayer. Thanks

I'm going to be stubborn!

User Submitted — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:41:44 -0800

Hello, I'm a Junior in High School, and I"ve dealt with masturbation ever since I was in 8th grade. I have fought this addiction for so long, and often times I gave up. I officially gave up for a year, which I'm not proud of. I have recently decided to grow up, as in stop cussing, stop wearing baggy clothes that make me look like a hobo, fixin' my hair in other ways besides bed head, learning how do laundry, ect. Just grown up things. I even decided to start dating, and I already have a girl in mind. Just this sudden change came upon me, and I made a list to start changing myself, almost entirely. One of the top things I want to check off of my list is: Stop masturbating! Like I have said, I would fight this all the time. Just when I am about to start thinking I'm free, I see a girl walk by and I'm at it again. I think: "What's wrong with me??? Why can't I control this? What example am I making of myself for my kids when I get older? What would my girl friend think? What would my wife thinK??? I need to stop! No, I HAVE TO STOP!" And so the battle continues. But today, I've decided that I'm going to be real stubborn about this, and actually get prepaired if I start feeling like I'm going to have a relapse. From recent experience, I've learned that family, friends and God are good accountability for me. But just thinking about this girl I REALLY like is like another motivation for me to get better. And so, I AM GOING TO GET STUBBORN! I WILL CONQUER THIS, AND I WILL BE SOMETHING BETTER THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER BEEN BEFORE!

Owning Up

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:01:00 -0800

I have an addiction. I need to face that. I have always been the Christian guy in the church that all the parents see and say "I hope my son is as great as you some day..." and i can think is how sick and disgusting my mind really is. If only they knew what i have done while i'm alone... These images are stamped on my mind and it's hard to look at a woman without a sexual thought running through my mind. I have multiple accountability partners, the X3 Watch program sending my websites to my mother, and bible verses all over my computer station, and yet i find myself back here again and again feeling the shame and guilt. I know i need to end this, but i just can't shake these desires to lust after these images. I'm tired of it. I want my mind to think pure thoughts again. God i NEED you right now, I Have An Addiction. It is bigger than me, but nothing is bigger than You. Move in my life and help me die to you. In my weakness You are glorified and You are strong. I NEED You Now.

fed up

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:59:32 -0800

for 3 years i was bound by the addictive chains of pornography. i was miserable. i cheated on my girlfriend, i lied to my family and friends. but no one knew, i kept my tracks covered. when i came to college, my life was flipped around. i met people who struggled just like i did and made it out of it. through prayer, friends and accountability, i defeated the chains satan had put on me. Glory to God.

today, in the most stressful week of my semester to date, a friend reminded me of the awesome power of God. i felt his peace that surpasses all understanding.
then, with out warning, i was attacked and fell into the same trap i suffered in for so many years.

my body physically hurts with pain as i feel the heart of God break. im fed up with losing these battles.

please pray for me, as i reach out to you for them.

i thank you for what you do, the help you give.

to God be the Glory forever and ever

alex

I need support and help.

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:59:08 -0800

My name is Isaac, and Im 16. Ive been a christian ever sense I was little, but I just now got serious about it like a year ago or so. Ive found a group of friends that have been amazing as far as help and support go. Previously, when I didn't take christianity seriously, I hung out with some people that weren't exactly good "friends" They were very obscene in their language and actions, they were disrespectful towards others, including me, and all together, they just were not good people to hang out with. These people were in public school, I am homeschooled now, a freshmen, and these new friends I have made are homeschoolers as well. They are all strong christians, and to make a long story short, they are just great people, and have made a strong contribution in my life, and have helped me with my relationship with jesus. I have fixed a lot of my problems, but I still struggle with my addiction to porn. I started watching internet porn a few years ago, and I just cant seem to stop. Ive never told any of my new friends that I watch this stuff, Im afraid they won't like me anymore. Out of this new group of friends, there is this girl I really like, she has probably been the one that has helped me most with my issues. Everytime I watch porn, she pops into my head, and I feel terrible about what Im doing, but I still cant seem to stop. I need prayer, encouragement, and advice. Please help. Thank you all.

I have sinned ....

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:52:06 -0800

I have fallen again into a vice that comes into to my life nearly every day ... I wish to be free but somehow i cannot ...The vice of masturbation and pornography have a grip on me, but i will keep fighting the battle against it .

I need help and advice

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:51:46 -0800

I do not know how to begin but to say sorry to God. I am sorry for knowing the things I've done are sinful, but yet i still repeat the actions even though i said i want to repent. I know it's hard to not give in to temptations. But i totally gave in. I started looking at pornography since the age of 12. For 5 years have i been struggling, trying to repent but the longest period without porn was only 3 months and that was a long time ago. I need help and advice as well on the action i've commited 7 months ago and i've been doing this thing on and off with my girlfriend for a few weeks. It's premarital sex. I don't know how to explain. But i just need help. Please to those who think they can help me.

To My Future Wife

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:51:06 -0800

Hey guys -- In my battle I have decided to write a letter to my future wife. It's one of my greatest motivators to stay pure. Maybe this will be a blessing to some...maybe it's a good idea to do. It was therapeutic for me and I just wanted to share with you all my goals regarding a future marriage. Anyway, feel free to leave comments if you maybe think I should add something or take something out. God Bless

March 9, 2010

To Whom It May Concern,

I don't know you yet, but I love you. If you are reading this, then you already are or will become my wife. I have happily thought about you for a long time now and figured I would share my thoughts of how I feel
about you. You see, following Christ has been my first priority for some time now. As of right now, you are solidly in second place :). Look at it as being first place among humans. Way to go! So why am I writing this note to you? How can I love you without seeing you? Well dear, allow me to explain myself.
I don't know you yet, but I am preparing myself for you. I see the a glimpse of the kind of man God wants me to be for you and the kind of man I am now and I know that I have work to do! So everyday my promise to you is that I will work to be the kind of man you deserve and the kind of man that can be worthy of your love. The kind of man who can love you unconditionally. The kind of man who will protect you and honor you. The kind of man who will serve you until the day he dies. The kind of man who will lead a family spiritually. The kind of man who will sacrifice everything for you. It becomes easy when I love you as much as I do.
I don't know you yet, but I am staying pure for you. Every action I take, every muscle I move, every thought that goes through my head, and everything I say must honor God the Father. You were made for me by God
himself. I was made for you. Nothing will get in the way of that HOLY union that He has put together. It's just you and me. I am awaiting you as God promises me he has you on deck. No temptation, nothing that can be offered to me in this world can match how important you are to me.
I don't know you yet, but I can't wait to be with you. I can't wait to make you feel like the most important of God's creations. I can't wait to pursue you after I meet you. I can't wait to make you feel loved. I can't wait to make you feel safe. I can't wait to fulfill God's promises in our lives together with you. I can't wait to have our first date. I can't wait to ask you to be my bride. I can't wait to meet you at the end of the aisle. Most of all, I can't wait to spend my life with you.

I don't know you yet, and I can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Yours

My Struggle With Homosexuality

User Submitted — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:50:05 -0800

I am an 18 year old male who has been struggling with homosexuality for several years. I am not sexually active but have a constant battle raging in my mind. I have looked at gay porn only a few times. I am now being accountable with my dad, and good friend.

When I was 5, a neighbor boy sexually forced himself on me and since then I have been confused. I have gone to counseling and had pastors pray for a deliverance. I feel like I am improving but then there is always a bump in the road.

My friend and I have been challenging each other to quit masturbation. Both of us have quit porn but masturbate frequently. I have been at the 4 times per day mark but am trying to stop because I think it can only be fueling my homosexuality and sexual impurity.

I am involved in church leadership and desperately want to be pure before my Lord. Any ideas on who or what to do to get out of this problem?

Sometimes I'd rather be dead.

User Submitted — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:53:34 -0800

I have had a problem ever since i can remember... ever since I hit puberty I've been very uncomfortable with my body. I've always felt like no one could ever love me or that I was ugly or that no one would ever want to have sex with me. I remember first looking at porn and masturbating as a release and escape from everyone who could and never would want to love me. Over periods of time I've come to hate myself, truly and purely. I have been raised a Christian and I love Christ a whole lot ,but I feel as if I let him down every time the temptations become to great. I feel as if sometimes when I lose the battle I'd rather be dead ,because of how much I hate living in chains... because of how much pain these things cause. Ever since I started this I've been lying to my parents ,and its gotten to the point where they have given up on me ever not looking at porn and masturbating. Above all else the one thing that hurts more than anything in the entire word is that I can't stay pure for my girlfriend... The one person who means more to me than anything, the one person who does actually love me. It is so painful, and some damaging that I would do anything to rid myself of this affliction.

can anyone help me, can anyone give me hope...

Confusion

User Submitted — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:52:23 -0800

When is going to be the last time that I watch/do this? How many times am I going to "repent"? I guess I don't know what true repentance is. I am a christian and know Jesus died for my sins. Pornography has remained fairly dormant in my life for the past years, but recently hit hard. The devil is given me false hope that this picture or video will bring you the satisfaction that you need. I need Jesus more than ever. I do not want to go on with life, clinging to this stuff to bring me "satisfaction". I have been down this path before, but I haven't let God fully take over because deep down I still want it. How can I let go of this sin. I have so much to give to the world and this sin is keeping me from expressing it. I need to realize that I don't need to look at that girl and it's going to be o.k. if I don't look at pornography. I am just to stubborn to realize how much better off I would be without looking at porn. It is progressive, as I've known for years. When am I going to realize it fully? I love God and I know he has a plan for me and this sin in my life. I just want to take that first step and deny sin from my life. Pray that God takes control.

wont go away

User Submitted — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:51:19 -0800

hey
im a 16 nearly 17 year old guy. my dad is one of the pastors at my church.
i have struggle with porn for may years but has become a major problem as of lately. i am constanly looking at it and even when i attepmt to put barriers in place to help me from doing it i go around them or just ignore them. my thoughts are sometimes consurmed with what i have seen.

it has been effecting the way i am to women as i cant have a friend relationship with any of them it seems that i always have to try to get with them which is really annoying since there is this girl that i really like and want to have a relationship with her that will last. but i cant act normal around her because of what i do.

it is starting to bring me down and im not copeing i am always down and i just want to get out of it. help me please

I can't stop.

User Submitted — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:50:40 -0800

I just can't stop. Sometime i go for a couple of weeks and sometimes i can only go for 30 min. I need to know what to do and i don't want to tell people i know.

Hit Rock Bottom

User Submitted — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 20:50:42 -0800

I've been a Christian all my life, leader in the different churches I've congregated over the years. My problem is I've been addicted to pornography for over 20 years now. Started on my early teens, that escalated to soliciting sex to prostitutes in the 90's, then I got married 4 years ago and thought my problems were over, but my porn addiction continued to the point I can't have sex with wife because even when she's a beautiful woman she's not appealing to me anymore, she's been surprisingly patient, she knows about my problem, sometimes we have arguments about it, then we forget about it, until we have another argument. Last nightI hit rock bottom, she caught me having phone sex with another woman, she's really upset and even when she's giving me another chance she says she doesn't trust me anymore. I really want to win this battle, I've been praying to God for years to help me with this but I'm still struggling. Please have me in your prayers and any advise you can provide will be welcome. God Bless You.

a dog returning to his vomit

User Submitted — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 20:50:17 -0800

Strangely, I feel closer to God than ever, yet am in the midst of a battle I know only God has the power to heal. The sexual drive is a wild, untameable 'wild horse' as another user on here put it. In fact, as John Eldredge says in his book 'Journey of Desire', God's creativity is wild and untameable, just look at the animal kingdom.

Fact is, when the sexual drive comes over me, as an unmarried virile young(ish) man ;) it is very difficult to control. In my past I was a drug addict, and whilst on crack indulged in grotesque sexual acts with people I didn't find in the least attractive, the dirtier and seedier the better. Of course, now, with the Holy Spirit of God living in me, what was once exciting in its seediness is now filthy and unclean. Thankfully, the purity of Jesus has taken away my shame. But I still struggle with one thing, that is, part of me, my sinful nature, wants to revisit all those ways I used to live.

Recently God showed me his immense power, and set me free from this for a season. I know He can do it again. So please Lord, I am in a place, that again, where I would rather have no sexuality at all than continue with the struggle of desire. Release me, set me free, and anoint me to do your will in power, and prepare me for the wife you have for me. Your child an warrior. Amen.

Can someone help

User Submitted — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:09:56 -0800

I'm a masturbator and want to repent of my ways. I have been on masturbating since more than 3 years now. I discovered it when I was 18. Now I'm 21. For whatever reason I haven't stopped.

Porn is another issue. I have been on and off watching porn since I was 14. However I can manage to go without porn for months with God's help. Porn I can control myself with. But masturbation is a horse that I can't tame. I mean the most I've gone is 2 weeks. And recently It's been getting harder.

Is anyone in the same boat?

Can you give me some Scripture verses that can help me to overcome. Or can you just stop what your doing and pray for me. Thank you guys.