Couples - XXXchurch

Taking Out the Trash

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:51:43 -0800

Marsha from Porn to Purity has been through the ups and downs of this addiction as a wife. She is right to the point and very open about what she has been through. We hope that you can get something really good from this blog. Brian Darcy

When I was pregnant with both my boys, my already acute since of smell was magnified by 1000. I could pick up the scent of something not quite right as soon as I walked in our house or woke up in the morning. Sometimes it would take me up to an hour to narrow down the smell to the right room and then to the exact source.

I remember one time it was a cleaning rag under the sink, and another time it was something from the freezer that Jeff insisted had absolutely no odor at all. No matter what it was, I was on a mission to find it and get it out of the house. When I finally got my fingers on the offending item, I had to smell it to make sure that was indeed what was causing my stomach to turn. It wasn’t pretty and more than once I threw up after taking that confirmation whiff. But it was always worth it, because I finally found the culprit and quickly removed it from the house. (Actually, I made Jeff take it out.)

I’ve said many times that marriage counseling has been for me a lot like sorting through a huge, disgusting trash can. At first, Jeff and I were so busy with life that we couldn’t even tell something was wrong with our marriage. Then, there were some red flags, followed by a subtle stench. As we followed the scent looking for its source, we began to understand that our marriage was much sicker than we had realized. Under all that busyness, there was junk and rot eating away at the commitment we had made to God and to each other. The further down we got, the worse it looked.

We are so thankful for our Christian counselors, who got in the dumpster with us, to help us track down the root causes of our problems. It wasn’t pretty uncovering all the trash that we had cleverly been hiding from each other (and ourselves) and at times it was slow and grueling work. Not only that, but finding the source was just half the battle (although a really important half). This past year we have been working on replacing the unhealthy patterns in our lives and in our marriage with God’s truth and God’s pattern for marriage. I have to say, the transformation has been pretty amazing. You’ve heard of Extreme Home Makeover….I think the Lord desires for us to experience Extreme Marriage Makeovers. But you have to be willing to knock down walls and get dirty first.

Is Ther Hope For My Marriage?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:20:25 -0800

Here is a blog from one of our friends at porntopurity.com Jeff and Marsha are another couple who have been down the path of recovery. They now share their lives with others to let others know thay are not alone in this battle.

The most frequent question I am asked by wives is “Is there hope for my marriage?” My answer is always “yes” regardless of what their particular situation might be.

I believe that the Lord has the ability and desire to rescue every man mired in sexual immorality, no matter how long he has struggled or how deeply entrenched he has become. Mercifully, nobody is outside the grasp of God’s strong and loving hand.

This is sometimes difficult for wives to believe, especially those who have seen their husband experience temporary periods of sobriety, only to later find him confessing the same sin over and over again. They wonder, understandably so, why this time will be any different than all the others.

CAN I EVER TRUST MY HUSBAND AGAIN?
That was my attitude for a long time. How could I ever trust Jeff to change, when he kept getting my hopes up only to let me down again? The change in my perspective came when I started putting my hope in the power of Christ, not my husband’s ability to stop viewing pornography.

Hear me clearly – I’m not saying that God took away my husband’s addiction because I started putting my hope in Jesus. If only it were that easy. What I am saying is that I quit questioning God’s ability to grow my husband away from this addiction as he grew closer to Christ.

I stopped saying, “there is no hope” and started reminding myself of Ephesians 3:20 which offers praise and glory to Christ “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

JESUS, LORD OF OUR HURTS
If Christ were not in the business of forgiveness and restoration, than there would be no hope for our marriages. But because the Lord doesn’t give up on our husbands (or us) there is hope that our marriage can be redeemed to what the Lord intended in the first place. The New Testament is a testament of lives changed by the power of Christ…the sick are healed, sinners are redeemed and God is glorified in the process. Zacchaeus, the Prodigal Son, the woman caught in adultery, and the apostle Paul are just a few examples.

THE UNREPENTANT HUSBAND
What about the wife whose husband is unrepentant? Is their hope for her marriage? I think there is hope even then, but it need not be blind. A wife shouldn’t sit back and accept lies or look the other way when sinful behaviors are exposed. There are times when a wife must draw a line and be prepared to follow through with the consequences if that line is crossed. That doesn’t mean she lacks faith or she has given up on the Lord. Rather, it means she is taking her fight for her marriage to the next level.

We must keep in mind that God designed marriage and has a holy purpose for it. I frequently tell women that their husband’s painful revelation could actually be the first step towards enjoying what God intended their marriage to be all along. That has certainly been the case for my marriage. I thank God that Jeff’s pornography addiction was brought into the light. Had it not, I’m certain we would have never focused this intensely on discovering God’s design for healthy intimacy.

HOPE PAVES THE WAY TO WORK ON IT TOGETHER
When wives have hope, they are willing to do the hard work that marriage recovery takes. Even when their husband’s are struggling, they can endure the setbacks and continue the journey. As followers of Christ, we must come alongside these women and encourage them and remind them of God’s truth and God’s power. Galatians 6:2 advises us to “carry one another’s burdens”. 1 Thessalonians 4:8 says “comfort one another”.

We truly become the body of Christ when we begin to minister hope and encouragement to the hurting people around us. There is no shortage of hurting people today.

How will you respond?

Consequence

Benjamin — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:32:51 -0800

One of the hardest parts of sexual sin is dealing with the consequences. They often come in the form of shame, regret, self-hatred, embarrassment, disgust, and hopelessness. They aren’t always internal feelings either, they can be about the way your sin affects others - hurt loved ones, divorce, loss of a job, loss of trust or loss of respect from others. Why then do we still continue to fall into temptation when we know how bad the end result will be?

I once read an author talk about the time he had to tell his wife that he had been unfaithful. His addiction to pornography had led him all the way to hiring prostitutes, something he had already confessed to others and started working through with a program. She had known about the pornography use, but one night she asked him point blank if he had ever had sex with anyone else since they had been married. He told her the truth and had to give the details of these accounts in response to her pain-filled questions. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for him to stand there and lay out the ugly truths of his sin to his wife (and how much harder it would have been for her to hear them). Why don’t we consider the consequences before we act? I doubt this husband ran through the future conversation with his wife before he hired the prostitutes. As he went about his sin I doubt he tried to picture her face as she reacted to his disgusting details of what he was doing.

One of the problems with porn addiction is it causes a person to be very myopic or shortsighted. Temptation hits, and we become self-centered to the extreme. We care about nothing other than those feelings we will experience in a few moments. I can remember times when the feelings of temptation became so intense that I wanted nothing other than to give in… so I did. After giving in, the feelings of shame and regret come almost instantly, and I find myself lying on my bed hating my life. Temptation, self-gratification, a moment of release, guilt and self-hatred - all within minutes. I’m certainly not lying there before hand thinking “things are going pretty well for me right now, I wonder if I how quickly I can derail myself. I would sure love to feel some disgust and hopelessness”. No, instead I am thinking about how great it will be to look at pornography.

One of the tricks I’ve discovered is to get myself to actually consider and feel the consequences BEFORE I act, rather than after. Not many people like the feelings of having to confess sin or and dealing with the many repercussions of it. What if in the time of temptation, you imagined what it would be like to have the conversation with your wife where you tell her what you did? What if she wanted to know all of the details - what you looked at and what you thought about when you did it? What if you thought about telling your kids? What if you thought about your boss catching you using your work computer? What if your parents walked in on you?

If you’re like me, than your lowest moments come right after you have acted out. There is never a moment you feel worse about yourself than in that moment. What if you wrote yourself a letter after stumbling? Write to the “tempted you” explaining your feelings, and talking about the consequences from giving into temptation. If you confess your sin to an accountability partner, or a wife or parent, write another letter after you’ve exposed yourself to them. Explain each consequence to the future you who will struggle once again with temptation. Convince them to consider the consequences.

If you are married, what if you had your wife write a letter about how she feels about your pornography use - how it affects her life, and how it makes her feel about herself.

Then put these letters in a place where you can easily access them when you are tempted. Write them out as emails and send them to yourself so that they are accessible from any computer.

When you are starting to feel even a little bit tempted, pull out the letters and read them. Do it early in your temptation before you get to the point where you don’t care about anything except the rush of pornography flooding your mind. Try to feel the consequences of what you are about to do. Remember how you felt the last time and how others felt you confessed.

Most of us know the story of King David committing adultery with Bathsheba. King David sent his people off to war (where he should have been), saw a beautiful woman bathing (Bathsheba), sent for her, slept with her and she bore a child. David then tried to cover it up, and when he wasn’t able to do that, he had Bathsheba’s husband killed. All in all not the highest point of morality in David’s life.

When he saw her bathing on her roof, David sent for her and they ended up sleeping together. While I don’t imagine his first intentions were to commit adultery when he went on to the roof, one temptation led to another, and soon he found himself in terrible situation.

We later see David responding to this sin by crying out to God saying
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion block out my transgressions. Wash all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Psalm 51:1,2

When David called for her, he wasn’t thinking of the consequences of what he was doing. He wasn’t thinking about how Bathsheba was a married woman or that she could get pregnant and that he would go to great lengths to try to cover up his mistake. He wasn’t thinking about that what he was about to do would later cause him to cry out to God begging him to “save him from blood guilt” (psalm 51:14)

James 1:15 says that “after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

Here we clearly see the progression of sin, and the initial desire will always lead to death if we do not stop. Death will always be the consequence. It may not always mean a literal death, but it may lead to the death of your spiritual life, the death of your ministry, the death of your marriage, etc... These are consequences we need to be focusing on BEFORE we ever take that step into sin.

The bible is clear. There are consequences, and in the end they will always cost us so much more than we will ever gain through sin.

Why Porn Blinds

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:21:42 -0800

Over time porn took the place of so many things in my life. I had become blind to all the things around me because I had started to believe the lies it was telling me.

Lies like:
"What's a little porn going to do to you? Not like it could hurt any one."
Yep; I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker. The fact of the matter was that it was hurting someone; my wife. It was hurting my wife Darcy because I had replaced our sexual life with that of the porn world. I had replaced her with the women I saw on the screen and in the magazines. She was no longer the women I had married. She had become a sex toy for me. And if I didn't get what I wanted I destroyed her emotionally or made her feel so bad about it that she would just give in.

"It's not like a little porn will kill ya."
I didn't realize this whopper of a lie until I noticed how much a little had become. Over time a little needed to become more and more for me to get what I needed. this translated into me "working overtime" so I could watch more porn and get my fix. When this lie really sank in though was when I realized how much time it was taking away from my two children. I was not going to events that I should have been as a father. I wasn't reading those bed time stories to my daughter at night and tucking her in. I missed a lot of my children during those years. Porn didn't physically kill me but, it was killing my children emotionally.

There was so many things that were sufering in my life because I was blind to all the lies porn told me. I screwed up my marriage, hurt my children, my job was suffering, and my relationship with Christ was falling a part as well.

"God will not love you after what you have looked at.'
I would often think about how I had hurt my Father and how far I had run from Him over time. How could I do this to Him and how could He take me back after what I had done. Porn kept telling me that He would never forgive me and that He would not accept me after what I had done. this was the biggest and dumbest lie I could have ever believed. But I did and so do may of others who battle this addiction every day.

After time and healing I began to realize all of the lise that porn had told me. After some time the images in my head have begun to clear from my head. After time I have realized that God loves me no matter who I am, what I did, or what I may do tomorrow. I know he forgives me of my past.

I am still amazed that my wife was able to forgive me as well. She showed me right in front of my own eyes what it was like to live like Jesus at that moment. Yes; she was mad at me for doing what I did. There was a lot of healing that needed to take place and a ton of work that needed to get done to restore our marriage. but she forgave me, told me she loved me, and that we would get through this. She says it best when asked how she did it. "I was so angry at Brian for what he did to me and our family. But I stood up there on our wedding day and said for better or for worse. I was going to fight for my marriage because I knew the man I had fallen in love with was still in there some were."

Do not let this become a part of you. Do not let others fall into this pit. Fight for your marriage, get help, talk, confess, and be free from the trap of pornography.

Someone Who Understands

Chris Kozacek — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:20:56 -0800

My wife and I have a 19-month-old boy.

He is just starting the throwing tantrums and taking swings at people stage, and gets really frustrated when he doesn’t get what he wants. Man it sucks when he throws a tantrum or takes a swing at you. And it’s even more embarrassing when it happens in public. We love him so much, but it’s still a bummer part of this stage.

So we got to talking with another Mom of a toddler in our church. And she started talking about how her daughter was doing some of the very same things our boy was doing.

And there it was…

Someone who understands.

Someone who knows what you are going through.

And that’s what we need… at least someone who has been in your shoes. Someone who has felt and experienced what you have thought, felt and been through.

And it got me thinking about all of this too…

But not just for those of us who struggle with porn and sexual vices. No, there are also those who are affected because of us – who don’t feel like anyone understands. I’ve been grateful for a few of the wives/girlfriends who have been honest enough with us to say, “I don’t feel like anyone understands what I am going through, and what we are going through together. I feel like all of my friends have husbands/boyfriends who don’t struggle. Or at least they don’t talk about it.”

You want to know that someone understands.

That someone has been there… or is there.

You want to know there is hope. There is light amidst the dark.

That you are not the only one who has ever experienced this…

… that you are not alone.

We’re out there. Find someone who can walk with you. Find people, who are or have been there. I promise others are out there. There are others like us. Not everyone hides their stuff. And if they don’t have stuff in this area, I bet they can at least understand what it’s like to struggle with something – if not point you in the direction of someone who does understand. And if they don’t understand or don’t struggle with anything… um, sure!
Glad to be part of a community here that understands…

… it’s nice to not be alone.

Don’t struggle in silence. I don’t believe God ever intended us to struggle in silence and isolation.

We’re here…

HE is here.

Be A Good Listner

Brian and Darcy — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 08:30:43 -0800

Feeling like you are not heard, or misunderstood, is one of the fastest paths to loneliness. When we don’t believe that another person really knows or understands our heart, we can get lost in a crowd, feel all alone. Many men who struggle sexually will know exactly what I am talking about; this may be his daily experience. Tragically, it is also likely that he may feel alone and misunderstood in his marriage.

As a man in recovery learns how to communicate his heart to his wife, it is extremely important that you first listen to hers. This will begin to strengthen the connection between you and hopefully soften each other’s hearts to each other. To go bounding in, expecting her to just listen to you, while you have not listened to her, may become a set-up to recreate the wound that makes you feel so alone and insignificant - possibly leading to relapse.

This is not an article about communication tools or how to communicate (read those too). My primary focus is to encourage you to understand and connect with your wife’s heart and not just what she intends to communicate; her heart is deeper than that. That is not to say that verbal communication in and of itself cannot be intimate, but you can frequently connect at the heart without needing the rules of healthy communication, or even a word. Likely there are times that your wife will repeat herself. This is both an opportunity and a signal. If your wife is repeating herself, most likely she is signaling that she is not feeling "heard" or connected to you. This can be an opportunity once you recognize the signal, because now you know you have probably missed it. You can clarify her intended message, but the heart needs to be "held." You may do this simply by holding her. An empathetic word or touch can go a long way. Of course there may be times when a hug is not appropriate. If she doesn’t want you to touch her, maybe she is angry with you, make extra efforts to empathize with her by listening respectfully. The expression on your face may say to her if you care or are just trying to appease her. Another way to "hear" your wife’s heart is to watch for it. When you first started dating your wife, you may have made an effort to notice things she likes and dislikes. Do this again but in deeper ways. Get to know more fully what makes her happy, sad, what her dreams are, etc. When you know these things, never stop looking for them and use them to exhort and encourage her.

When she is upset after a phone call from her parents: "I know how devastating it is for you when your dad disregards your feelings. Do you want to talk about it?"

When she is screaming at you: "If I hadn’t selfishly had my mind solely focused on work all night, I would have remembered how disrespected you feel when I forget to take out the trash."

When she won’t say a word to you: "I know when you won’t talk to me, you are usually hurt. I would love to talk about it when you are ready."

Don’t wait for the difficult moments to engage her. Engage her in the easy ones. It may seem too simple to start dating her again, but it isn’t. First, it will be difficult to be consistent, you won’t always feel like it or fall into old patterns. Second, it may not be complex, but it got you a wife the first time. Just like you hopefully do with your kids, look for connecting moments to share. Just as Mary Magdalene poured her precious perfumes over Jesus’ feet, treat her extravagantly. Extravagance is not about money, although some scrooges will have to loosen up a bit, it is about time, affection, and serving. As you get moving, she will be on your mind more, and it will be easier and more rewarding to continue. You will remember what you once knew about her and learn what you never did.

Healthy communication tools are an essential element to hearing her heart, but this is the long (also essential) way around. When you rebuild the connection between your hearts, it may take time for her to be able to trust it. Be patient and gracious with her, you haven’t earned her trust yet. Many men will come to realize they never "heard" their wife before. Take heart; things may be rough in your marriage right now, but to know and connect intimately with your wife in deeper ways than you have ever known will change things - the best years may yet be ahead of you.

This blog is from our friend Bob Parkins at Ever Mans Battle.

Slip or Relapse?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:08:32 -0800

There is a difference between a “relapse” and a “slip”.

“relapse” – when you are back to living the lifestyle of the addiction

“slip” – when you act out but return to recovery relatively quickly

A slip may be one time or a “binge” for a number of days, but it results in a return to recovery and openness about the slip. In a relapse, the addict has returned to the addictive lifestyle and is not actively in recovery. Even if they are still meeting with their accountability partners, going to group, in counseling, they are not open with the level of acting out nor are they doing much to prevent it. In essence, they have ceased to “struggle” with it and have, in large part, given themselves up to the addiction.

Typically in a relapse, the addict is back, or close to, the level of acting out that they were at prior to beginning recovery. In some cases it is even more because they feel like they have to make up for “lost time”. A relapse can last for several days or several months, it really is not defined by time as much as by the lack of recovery activities the addict is engaged in and to what level of transparency.

Most addicts who relapse do so with the intent of returning to recovery at some point, but that point continues to get further away from them. Usually, they are thrilled to be getting away with acting out without getting caught. All of their accountability friends, and even their spouse believe the addict is in recovery and hasn’t relapsed. This adds to the sense of freedom to act out at will with no thought to repercussions, even if those had been pretty severe in the past. It is like the teenager who has been caught a number of times taking Dad’s car for a joy ride and now finds out the odometer is broken and thinks he won’t be found out.

The Relapse Gets Worse
A relapse starts out as a slip, but progresses quickly into a full-blown lifestyle. A replase transitions from simply looking or downloading pictures/videos to purchasing some videos or an external drive to store downloaded videos on. The intent for the addict is that they will be more permanent. In the case of those who frequent prostitutes, they may re-connect with a former “provider” and setup something regular with them.

The addict in relapse is trying to facilitate easy access to acting out and developing a sense of “normalcy” around it to help keep others from knowing about it. The “rituals” are firmly reestablished and the sense of invulnerability returns with even greater power since they know everyone “trusts” them now and the addict believes that the “mistakes” he made the last time won’t trip him up again and he is safe from being discovered. Of course all of this is a delusion and when he is caught that at last becomes apparent to the addict.

A Key to Relapse Prevention: Nearly all addicts slip from time to time but most do not relapse if they are in a good recovery program and have setup safeguards and accountability in their life.

This blog is from our friends Jeff and Marsha who help and encourage other men and couples at Porn to Purity.

Mess of Me

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:05:55 -0800

I heard this song from Switchfoot for the first time the other day. I am not able to write the most amazing words and often struggle when it comes to these blogs. But Switchfoot nailed how I felt inside and the battle that took place so often with me, God, and porn. I know I look back at this now and realize I should have stood up and not allowed for it to go on any further. Confess, get accountability, and be honest with you, your wife, and God.

"Mess of Me"

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna the get back rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free to the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO! Right

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drug to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
I´m breaking up
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!!

You Know I love You!!

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:37:48 -0800

Not to long ago Darcy and I had a chance to take a trip to California without the kids. This gave us some time to talk and reflect a bit about what we had been through and how things are going now. One topic that we talked about was a question people have asked more lately.

The questions was "Did you love Darcy when you were addicted to pornography"? While we were talking about this question like a typical man I chimed in and said "Of course I loved you the whole time, even during my struggles with porn". Then Darcy set me straight (yes like she usually does; hey I am a man what do you expect?) She turned toward me and gave me a smirk and said "Who do you think you're kidding with that comment"? I can honestly say that I did not feel as though you loved me during that period of time." I tried and stand my ground and defend my case but, as I thought about it some more I didn't love her the way I should have.

Over time porn had become my true love and I would do anything for it. I'd lie to my wife, cheat on my wife, and steal from my wife. When I'd lie to my wife I'd tell her that I was at working on overtime when I was looking at porn. I cheated on my wife by lusting for other women and pretending to be with them when Darcy and I would have sex. I stole her soul, her respect, and the love she so deserved to get.

Looking back I now know that porn was doing the same thing to me it was lying to me, cheating me, and stealing from me. Porn lied to me by telling me that looking at this stuff is OK. It's just you and the computer; you're not hurting anyone else. Porn cheated me out of a life that God so desired for me to live and a family that was being so neglected. It was stealing my soul, spirit, and the love that I needed to be showing others; especially my wife.

It starts out slow and then it grows into a monster. I loved Darcy with all my heart and I would do anything for her when we were dating and a short time into our marriage. But as I would get more and more involved with pornography I slowly started to show more love to it and not to Darcy.

The thing is even though I did not show her love during this time she fought for it; our love, our marriage, our friendship. People ask Darcy all the time "why did you stay with him; why?" Her comment time after time is "I made a promise before God that for better or for worse I would be there. So many couples take the low road and just give up and do not fight for their marriage. No one ever told us that marriage was an easy trip and I feel that any honest couple will tell you that at times marriage can seem like hell. We all have problems, we all have a struggle, and we all fail at times and this is what will make your marriage stronger; by working through it."

If you are a wife and are battling this right now I know you may be saying to yourself that there is now way. Darcy and I are here to tell you that YES; there is hope in this and you can fight for your marriage and win. I can now say that my wife knows she is loved and feels it.

Use What He Provides

Brian and Darcy — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:23:40 -0800

“Father we pray that this sin would no longer exist and that you would remove it from our lives. We ask that the temptations and thoughts disappear and that our marriage be restored the way it should be. We pray this in you your sons name; Amen"

As a couple healing from the scars of sexual addiction we have prayed many times for God to remove this sin that was affecting our lives. I mean we have all been told that pray believing in your pray and that it is for the right reasons and it will happen? Well there is one thing they forgot to tell you, that is he is not going to do it all for you. That’s right you need to apply yourself as well, especially when you are recovering from an addiction.

God will give you the tools needed to fight this addiction. The tools can range from all sorts of things from counselors, pastors, friends, studies, groups and so much more. However, if we do not use the tools that God has laid in front of us we will not be able to cut this sin at the knees.

A painter: needs paint, brushes, and some type of canvas, but if the painter never uses the tools that God gave them; nothing!

A carpenter: needs hammers, screw drivers, scales, and wood but, if the carpenter never uses the tools that God gave them; nothing!

A pastor; needs the Word, wisdom, and compassion but, if the pastor never uses the tools that God gave them; nothing!

What I am trying to say is that prayer is a huge part in getting over this addiction or temptation to look at porn you must bring God into this battle. However he will not just take it away or make it go away. He will place things in front of you to use to walk away from your desires of lust.

Do not get me wrong, He is a very powerful God and can do anything he wants. I feel that in this situation this is how he answers our prayers. He will give you strength, wisdom, and power over temptation. We just don’t know how it will come to us.

“Father we pray that you will provide the tools necessary for us to beat this thing and be able to walk with our heads held high. Please give us the eyes to see these things that you provide for us and the ears to hear what we need to remove this from our lives. It is in your Sons name that we pray this; Amen"

What Do You Want?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 10:36:30 -0800

So here we are; this week on December 2nd it will be 4 years of sobriety for me. Darcy and I are very excited about this milestone in our healing. We look back and see good times, bad times, and some very uncomfortable times as well.

One of the things that we often look back at is this blog for the site. So many times we have sat at the screen wonder "what do we write now"? "What else can we write about"? When you write about the same thing over and over again it you can get writers block often.

So what we would like to know from you is what do you want us to write about. There is no subject to taboo to talk about or discuss. We want to be as open and available to everyone here.

Just place a comment below and we will start to compile a list of things to blog about here on the site.

If you feel it is to tough to place soething here you are always free to contact Darcy and I at briananddarcy@xxxchurch.com

Promises

Jimmy Smuda — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 12:42:46 -0800

There are many things pornography promises. Pornography can promise a temporary satisfaction. Pornography can promise fantasy. Pornography can even promise an escape from realism. It can promise for that one very moment you can leave all your cares behind, and concentrate on that one distraction.

The kids screaming? Gone! A fight with the wife? Gone! All in one instant, pornography can promise these things. Job sucks? Not at that very moment, why? Because porn has held true to it’s promise. It has given you the escape you were looking for.

However there’s a flip side. There is another promise. Purity’s promise. Purity’s promise is beautiful. Purity in all its intent and purpose can also promise satisfaction, but the difference is purity’s promise is not temporal, it is not fleeting. Purity’s

promise remains! It’s consistent, concise, and beautiful. Where the promises of porn are self serving, the promises of purity are self disciplining. The promises of porn are reactionary, and the promises of purity are proactive. There is no control of your own what so ever in the promises of porn. The promises of porn hold zero value.

Every time I make a promise to one of my children they hound me about that promise. Why? Because they know the value in the commitment of a promise from daddy. They understand if dad promised it to us, it holds its weight in gold.

We all live by particular promises. What promises are you committing to? Here’s the deal breaker. The promises of porn are easy, the promises of purity are very difficult. It’s easy to commit to something that will allow you a temporary escape. However real men don’t take the easy way out. They commit to a promise that not only benefits them, but the loved ones they are surrounded by.

Purity’s promise is a promise of a better life for not only you, but to those loved ones around you.

Jimmy Smuda

Wrong Way Down a One Way Street

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:17:39 -0800

So here you are heading downtown to an appointment minding your own business and you turn onto the next street. You look up and you notice that cars are driving on the wrong side of the road and right at you. Then your head clears up for a quick second and you realize that you are heading down a one way road and you are headed in the wrong direction. The first thing you do is to do whatever it takes to correct the situation, and turn yourself around heading in the right direction.

Not only driving can we head down a one way street in the wrong direction but, we also can do it with our own sin. The difference is whether or not we choose to turn back. Turning around and heading in the right direction before we cause a major accident. During my years of addiction, I have headed down many one way roads and had never turned back knowing; I was going the wrong way.

So many times I remember sitting at my desk looking at porn and saying to my self “this has got to stop”. I am going in the wrong direction, I am ruining my life, and my marriage.

Sneaking out of my bedroom at night making sure all were asleep so I could watch hours of porn on our home computer and thinking to my self “She would kill me if she knew this”. How could I turn around if she found me doing this?

Convincing my wife to take the kids somewhere and I would stay home telling her I was not feeling good. So as I watched porn sitting there thinking “this is killing my relationship with my family; it has to stop” Knowing what I was doing and the damage that was being created. Thing is I never turned around.

Yes; I wanted to do it knowing things were going to be ugly if I kept going this way. Yes; I wanted to quite the destructive path I was on but, Me, MYSELF, I could not do it. No; I could not do it by myself and you will not be able to do it by yourself either. Man, do not kid yourself if you think you can. Because to many ahead of you have tried and failed only to find themselves facing down the wrong way of a one way street, looking at destruction, again.

People have said “Brian I have prayed to God and he will deliver me from this”. He will restore my marriage. You are right He can do amazing things but, He will not just stick out his finger and zap you with the cure all. He will however put people in your life, direct you toward groups, and will LOVE you no matter what you may have done or will do.

It all comes down to this you will not be able to do it alone or by yourself. Yes; God is the first step in this healing process and you need to fall down on your face and confess this to him and let him know that you understand that Jesus died for this very sin you have been fostering. You need to tell someone else about this and get accountability and help as you move through this battle in your life. You need someone who will grab that wheel and turn you back around in the right direction.

Let it be known, it might take awhile to get off of the one way street. It might even mean that some things get broken. Why is it so easy to see that what we are doing is wrong for us and our families, but we continue to do the wrong things? We do not know right now what plans God has for us. But stand firm in your faith and trust in your friends and family. They may have to take over the driving, but they will help take you on the healing journey.

Brian & Darcy

Should Married Couples Use Porn?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:49:33 -0800

Reading through some sites this week and I cam across this one from Family Dynamics Institute and wanted to share it with the couples here who may entertain watching porn together as a couple.

On occasion a person will explain that he and his wife watch pornography together to sexually arouse one another. He vigorously defends his position. Because we at Family Dynamics Institute believe this is a damaging practice to marriages, the person will ask why we are so against what he so enjoys.

Watching pornography usually desensitizes the viewer to his or her own spouse.

Porn stars are young, agile, and “super-sized.” Once captured on film, they never grow old. They gain no weight, develop no wrinkles, and lose no muscle tone. They can get in sexual positions only an experienced contortionist would find possible and seemingly enjoy whatever the other wants to do with or to them. Very few spouses can complete with such a fantasy at any age, but once past 30, the spouse begins to fade quickly in comparison. Fill your mind with such fantasies and eventually, arousal by your own spouse becomes difficult. As a result, the person you should love, adore, and be aroused by becomes an aging, imperfect, “has been” of a lover. The ultimate conclusion to such logic involves seeking another young person to enjoy. All too often, men make such a jump. Women are beginning to make this leap as well in increasing numbers.

Pornography usually decimates the self-esteem of your spouse.

More often than not, the husband uses pornography to arouse himself once his wife fails to meet this need due to his sexual desensitization. In most cases, the wife endures the pornography to please her husband. Many wives, however, are crushed that their husbands no longer look at them with desire. They wonder what is wrong with them that they can no longer excite their husbands. The self-esteem issues that arise can and often do decimate a wife’s sense of self-esteem. No caring husband will ever want to do this to his wife.

Could the roles be reversed? Anything is possible in life! While a man might initially think he had the wife every man longs for, the ultimate loss of self-esteem in a man would be just as devastating - if not more so – should his wife only be able to become aroused by watching porn, not by being with him.

Pornography often causes the viewer to sin.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-28, "You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Can a woman watching porn avoid sinning? If she finds the porn degrading or disgusting in some way to her but watches it with her husband at his request, perhaps she doesn’t sin. On the other hand, maybe she sins anyway. If she thinks watching porn in any context is sin and does it anyway just to please her husband, then for her, it is sin. (Romans 14:14) Or, if watching porn defiles her mind, she leaves the door to her heart open to sin.
Anyone who watches porn to become aroused, however, observes it in order to lust. An argument might be made that the person is not lusting for the porn start, but for his or her own spouse. If this is the case, however, what is the point of the porn star? If such cases, the person addicted to porn probably needs professional help, whether or not he or she brought the addiction into the marriage.

Consequently, in answer to the question of married couples using pornography to spice up their sex lives, our recommendation at Family Dynamics Institute is to avoid pornography and learn to enjoy your spouse instead, as God intended.

The Devil Is Persistent

Brian and Darcy — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:55:10 -0800

We have blogged about the lies of porn before and know that they are the lies of the devil. We ran across this blog and thought we'd share it with you. - Brian & Darcy

I have come into contact with thousands of sex addicts over recent years. I myself was bound up in sexual addiction for 13 years. In all my interactions with the issue of sexual lust, I have come to realize one fundamental characteristic that is common to its nature: lies. There is never one moment in which lust tells you the truth. And it is this key insight that can actually help you break free from the chains of lust…for good.

I want to share with you some of the primary lies that your lust will tell you.

Lie #1: Lust will bring contentment

The bedrock of the lies of lust rests on the idea that God, and whatever he can offer, just isn’t enough. This is the lie that ultimately led to the original sin. When Satan tempted Eve in the garden, he planted the seed of doubt in her mind that God was actually good and all that she needed to be content. He enticed her mind to begin entertaining thoughts that God was withholding something from her that she needed. This seed of doubt traveled from her mind to her will, eventually appealing its case to her senses when she “saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye.” This captures the moment when lust was born in the heart of mankind.

This lust has burned in our sin nature from the very beginning of the fall. And the enemy has used this greatly to his advantage when it comes to sexual lust. Our sexual lust is aroused whenever it reaches the line dividing what God has said is right and pure for our minds and bodies and what sin demands in opposition. We hear the whispers of the father of lies telling us that God is restrictive in his requirements regarding our sexuality, and that the fruit of our lust will complete us and make us whole, fulfilling our truest, deepest desires. When we begin to spin these lies in our mind, it isn’t a far journey to looking and seeing that such forbidden fruit is “pleasing to the eye.”

Lust, however, only produces more discontent. Lust is perpetually dissatisfied. That is the nature of lust, constantly demanding more, promising that what is just outside your reach is what will ultimately satisfy. But each time you believe the lie, you are left craving more because you came up terribly empty. Lust never satisfies…never.

Lie #2: Lust will not hurt anyone

Harmless fun. This is what we are led to believe when we begin to listen to the lies of lust. Even as our discontent grows and the evidence mounts up that lust can’t give us what we need, we dive in deeper because we are certain that we aren’t hurting anyone. After all, what you do in the dark when no one is looking can’t possibly affect others, right? Wrong.

Pornography is the most common avenue by which this “lust-won’t-hurt-anyone” thinking derives. Millions of men (and women) each week gaze lustfully at the nude images portrayed through porn and quietly tell themselves, “I’m not hurting anyone. These are just pictures. It’s not like I’m actually having an affair or fornicating.”

Have you ever stopped for just a brief moment and given a thought about the women (or men) in the porn? That is somebody’s daughter or son. That is a REAL person being abused through the exploitation of the body God fashioned around their soul. They are made in the image of God and they are being hurt. Lust lies when it deceives you into thinking that it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Lie #3: Lust will enhance your sexual relationship

Welcome to 21st century broadcast television and the dysfunctional world of Hollywood! The sexual message espoused by the media and our culture is this: monogamous sex in marriage isn’t enough. And our flesh craves this lie of lust.

Countless couples, whether married or not, believe that bringing porn or some other sexually stimulating material into their bedroom will enhance their relationship. But the fundamentals of lust’s deception don’t change. Adding to God’s design will never cause improvement. The design God established for sex (one man with one woman in marriage) was designed perfectly. It cannot be enhanced, improved upon, or added to. Whenever we try to improve what God has already declared good, we most certainly have entered into the realm of deception and sin.

The sadness of this lie of lust is that it causes individuals to believe that sex is merely a physical act, devoid of true intimacy and attachment. But sex is more than a physical act. It is emotional, spiritual, and even a bit mysterious. God made it this way because sex was to be a picture of the depth of intimacy we could share in our relationship with him. It is deeply personal, uniquely vulnerable, and permanently bonding. To believe that sex is just bodies connecting is to miss the whole point. And that’s exactly what lust desires.

God, however, desires that we live free from the suffocating chains of our lust. He also provides the means by which we can live such a life of freedom. Jesus promised that after his resurrection and ascension into heaven that he would send a helper, his Holy Spirit, and that he would lead us into all truth. As a believer in Jesus, we have the Holy Spirit in us and therefore we have the power to live free from the lies of lust. We are even promised in Galatians 5:16 that as we “live by the Spirit… you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” As we grow in our dependence on God’s Holy Spirit to life his life through us, we are promised that lust will not dominate us.

With such a great promise given to us, we would do well to focus our attention on what it means to “live by the Spirit.” And thankfully, God doesn’t make that complicated for us. To live by the Spirit is to know Truth (i.e. Jesus) and follow him (John 8). Knowing truth comes by knowing the Word of God, the Bible, and interacting with him through prayer. Moment by moment we live connected to our Creator, through faith in Jesus, so that his life may live through us. This is living by the Spirit. And it is pure peace, comfort and joy!

Jonathan Daughtery, Director of Be Broken Ministries January 29, 2009.

A Spouses Confession

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:52:42 -0700

Over the last several months we have read and replied to several spouse confessions that are posted on the website. The stories are different and unique in their own way but, they all have so many similarities. While reading a confession recently it hit me how similar these stories are when you peel away the outer layer and look at the core. So below are some of the quotes I have taken from these confessions. If you are a wife and looking at this blog we would like to encourage you to take action if you find yourself saying these same things.

“Why should I worry every guy looks at Porn?” or “I’m not really surprised as I knew it was a problem with a lot of other guys”

You know I use to think this way before I saw Brian fall further and further away from me and our family. Someone once told us that “I don’t care if he looks at porn or not, as long as he comes back to me.” Her thought process stops at that though. The thing is when he does return to you who is he really with? The cute little school girl, the perfect bombshell, or the mom he just saw in his latest porn? Yes, a lot of guys have looked at porn but, why should it be part of your marriage?

“After we got married I thought that he would be done with it because he had me”

You know this is what both Darcy and I thought about this as well and for a little bit it does go away because your relationship fills that void that porn had taken over. How ever over time that glow and excitement of being newlyweds fades a little and leaves a gap for porn to pry at again. No matter what you do unless you get accountability and support of others you will not get rid of this. So if you are thinking of walking down that aisle with the love of your life and you know there is an issue with porn; take care of it first and clean it up. If you don’t it will get in the way of you marriage sooner or later.

“When I found his porn I felt like I was trapped but, I felt like I had violated his privacy and I did not want him to feel like I did not trust him but, at the same time I was so hurt”

I understand that you may have this filling of invading his privacy and respecting that but, he is now doing something that involves the both of you. So many times we think that because we hide behind a monitor or look at this stuff alone it only affects us and that is just not true. If you find his stuff confront him about it but, do it with a level of calmness. Yes you may be upset and hurt by this whole thing but, if you came at him and attack a man’s first response is to put up his guard and fight. You need to go into this conversation with prayer and the thought that this is affecting our marriage and we need to do this together.

“I decided to try and accept it and that it wouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, that our love was stronger than this.”

True love is strong but, it is not strong enough to withstand the pull of porn once it grabs you and pulls you under the surface. By you accepting it you are giving him permission to keep looking and once he receives that permission he’s habits will grow and he will replace your relationship more and more with pornography.

“I look at it myself so I could understand it. I even tried to look and act like those girls to please him.”

Ladies; there is no reason we should change who we are for any body! He asks you into his life because of what you might change into he choose you because of who you are. Looking and acting like those girls will only fuel his fire and he will run to it when you are not around besides you can’t act like that all the time. Even the porn stars don’t act like that. One of them told an audience of people that her sex life with her husband is not even close to what she does on set. “No way; our sex life is not like my movies. What I do on set is not real; it’s fantasy and uncomfortable.”

“I shut out the hurt and I tried to ignore it and pretend everything was fine. I love my husband so much”

Ladies we as men know deep down inside that you love us with all your heart and even thought we can be boneheaded men and not show it some times we love you as well. If your man has had this problem with pornography and it has caused stress on your marriage you both need to heal. So many times people do one of two things when a couple exposes their struggle they either go into the corner of the man and all huddle around him to help or in the wives corner and support her and walk with her. This is good that people are helping it is just the wrong way. Both of these people need to be surrounded and taken care of. The husband needs to take care of his issue and clean his life up with porn and the wife needs to work on healing here wounds that porn has caused in her marriage. Also they both need to work together and restore their marriage and rebuild their love, trust, and passion for one another.

“He was struggling so much with it he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me, but his lies really broke my heart.”

So many times I wanted to tell Darcy that I was having a problem but, I didn’t want the fight or the disappointment that I thought would come with it. The thing that did happen though was that I fell deeper and deeper into the hole of sin and temptation. She had no clue how much this sin ate away at me and was stealing me from her. My thought of love at the time kept me from telling her. If you

“We should’ve of been honest with each other and dealt with our own issues a long time ago. There is a long road of healing ahead.”

this speaks volumes by its self.

But I am a Grown Man

Jimmy Smuda — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:27:36 -0700

There are these misconceptions that age, entering into marriage, children are all going to at some point be the antidotes that cure our sexual perversions. We say things like “once I can have sex”, or “once I have my first kid”, even “once I hit this age” I’m done.

What ends up happening is we set up benchmarks to “quit”, but we don’t prepare our hearts for the long, sometimes pain staking journey of recovery. We then look at our lives, having wives, kids, and being up in age and wonder when or if we ever will quit, or if or can we actually quit. We think to ourselves how ridiculous we have allowed this to get out of control, and how we would do anything to not have this be apart of us anymore. How have I let this go on for so long? I swear I thought It was just a phase, to get me past my horny adolescence. Now I’m a married father and I “still” am doing this!

We grow disgusted with ourselves, and wish to God we had a way out Let me encourage you by saying this; there is a way out. Sometimes porn can drown you in your own illusions of how this is just a “part of who I am”. Porn is no respecter of age, family life, or church leadership. We can lose sight of the victory. We can lose sight of the fight. The bible says this in Paul’s writings (Ephesians) “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power”.

I read a great quote the other day that saidWe do not fight for victory. We fight from victory! Sometimes the quitters heart beats louder then the heart of a champion. Remember, no matter the age, you still have the power to fight. Don’t lose sight of the victory at hand, fight from victory in our Lord, and the strength God has given you.

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

Danny Bias — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:00:52 -0700

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 (ESV).

At first glance this verse can be very deceiving but that is due to our culture’s view of what mourning is to look like. I know I never understood this verse in fact it has taken me five years to finally get it. When I thought about blessed are those who mourn I always thought it was about death, like death of a family member or maybe a close friend. What I didn’t understand is that when the scripture refers to mourning it is referring to the mourning of our sinful past, the damage that our destructive past has caused, and the nature of our fallen world. We are to mourn our sins and to mourn the effects that our sins have had on others.

Once this verse became clear to me it was like I was knocked to my knees, I had the breath knocked out of my lungs. I had to ask myself, “Have I ever mourned over the destruction my pornography addiction has caused others?” What about my wife, my kids, my parent’s, do I even care the lasting effects that my past has caused them, well enough mourn about it? Or do I just have this huge sense of entitlement and feel the need to be congratulated for my “great accomplishment” of not looking at porn and compulsively masturbating? How much bigger of a jerk can I be? Now, I see I not only have to mourn the effects of my destructive past but also I need to mourn the effects that this huge since of entitlement I’ve gotten through not acting out has also caused.

I know for me it is easy to forget the destruction that my porn habit caused and become focused on the so-called fruits of my labor because of all the “hard” work I am doing for God. I am in ministry, I am a full time student, I’m writing a blog for XXXChurch look at me I am so great, I am doing so much, me, me, me, I, I, I, man do I miss the mark. I am such a self centered, self focused, self praising porn addict. Thank you God for your grace, forgiveness and unfailing love because without it I am lost in myself and no good for anyone other than me.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:8-10 (ESV)

We are to be the microscopes that Christ Jesus is to be magnified through as John Piper puts it. My problem is I want all the glory while wanting to experience God’s love to the fullest which is not only impossible it is not biblical and it is far from God honoring. God is to be glorified that is the only way we can receive the fullness of His love.

Porn & Family "Marriage"

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:29:53 -0700

“These two will form a UNION in marriage ….
Union: An act uniting two or more things into one

“We are here today to JOIN this woman and man”……
Join: To become joined

“Today we will UNITE this man and woman in holy matrimony”…..
Unite: To put or come together to form a single unit

I have been to several weddings and have heard it said in many ways how a man and woman start out as two people and become ONE. Many have forgotten that once married you became of one flesh with your wife and I was one of them. My past sins with pornography have pried at the seam of our union and made tears in it but, these tears are being repaired over time.

The Cure for Porn is Marriage?

Over the last year or so I have heard so many guys tell me that they thought when they got married that their infatuation with porn would disappear for ever. Man I even had the same thoughts at one point in our engagement. Getting married may prolong your sobriety to porn but, it will not remove it. A newlywed’s sexual relationship with each other can be crazy but, thing can turn quickly.

How about when you have a fight with your wife over how the towels should be folded, not doing the laundry or shrinking the laundry for that matter. (I’ve done these. Sorry Darcy) For some their reaction is to freeze the other one out and that can lead to no sex. Your past habits then creep into play and since you aren’t having sex with your wife, you turn back to porn the one thing you thought left when you got married. One thing leads to the next and your turn to self-gratification.

For many the sexual drive becomes less when they have children. Your relationship takes a turn towards a new kind of love and is not so dependent on the sexual encounters any more. Once again you may have been good so far but, you’re not getting what you think you need. Just one flip of the switch and your back on the road down Porn Boulevard and self-gratification. Isn’t crazy how many of us turn to the selfish act of masturbation when we don’t get what we want instead of waiting. Marriage will not replace your struggles with pornography it will only be a bandage until it comes undone.

Getting married to Brian was the best thing that had happened in my life. Brian and I were getting along so well in our new journey in life as husband and wife. All the while Brian’s thirst for porn was taking him down and affecting our marriage at all angles. When we first got married we spent almost every waking minute with each other what ever we were doing. We decided to start a family and I am sure most women would agree that when you are pregnant you do not feel sexy. Porn started to consume him more and more as I was too tired and just not interested.

Brian would watch porn through out the day come home and want to have sex with me and he wouldn’t stop until I gave in or we’d get in a fight. After a while I started feeling like a failure as a wife for shutting him out. I started avoiding him at night and slipping into my pajamas before he would come to bed so he wouldn’t touch me. Most of the time though I would go to bed before him and pretend that I was sleeping, or wait till he would go to bed and fall asleep. I felt like I was trapped by this man who did not act like my husband anymore and was afraid of him. After he had come forward and told me of his addiction things slowly got better. I did not have to pretend to be asleep, or worry about getting undressed with him in the room. I am now getting back the man that I had married 11 years ago. Marriage is for a man and a woman, not a man, wife, his porn stars, and whatever else you’ll take into your marriage. Please, if you are dealing with this and you’re on your way to getting married deal with it now and rid yourself of it before it destroys a part of your marriage or worse.

Hours and hours of viewing porn will over stimulate your mind and eventually guys you’ll lose that feeling of passion with your wife. For me, as my wife explained was more uncommon than most. We see comments from wives like “Why doesn’t he want me any more”? “I am not attractive any more”? “Doesn’t he love me any more”? Now I know that these comments are not true but, our actions or lack there of have provided a crossed message.

God has given us sex as an amazing gift to share with our wives and porn can rob you of that gift. You’re sitting at work or home and you start looking for porn and by the time your done you have just exhausted yourself sexually leaving your wife out of the picture. Now if you’re a Christian and live by the word you’ll know that you are committing adultery by having an affair with these porn stars in your heart.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Mathew 5:27-28

Guys, in regards to the wedding phrases above! We stood there and said these words making a commitment to love this woman with all of our heart and come together as ONE. Don’t let the fantasies of porn come between you and your wife. At one time I was married not to my wife but, to porn. A marriage that nearly ruined my real marriage the way God intended it to be.

Ladies, you as well stood their along side your man and made this same commitment to God and everyone there. If your husband is going through this he needs you to stand by him here as well and fulfill the commitment you made that day “for better or worse”. This may be difficult for both of you but, it is something that can be beat and your marriage can be restored.

Porn & Family "Children"

Brian and Darcy — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 07:27:31 -0700

The next few blogs that Darcy & I would like to put out will touch on how porn can & will affect your family. The topics that we will look at are; children, spouse, and yourself. For the most part pornography is viewed privately about 95% of the time. People ask often “how can my viewing of porn affect others around me. I watch it alone; it’s just me and the porn this can not possibly affect others.” However your actions and habits affect everyone around and your relationship with them. We hope that with each section we can bring some light to each area and how it affects you and others in your life.

How do you explain to your kids why daddy or mommy is going away? Thankfully this did not happen to Brian and me but, so many other people do not get the “happy” ending that we did. Families are broken up, kids get separated from one another and their life is changed forever. Porn addiction affects the whole entire family.

A Child's Observation

Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.

“A friend was hurt and angry when his 16-year-old daughter left home and, for 18 months, slept with every male she could get her hands on. While I was counseling her, it almost seemed she was bragging about her sexual popularity. Her Dad was angry at the world, but, having known him for years, I knew the problem was closer to home. You see, for most of the time she was growing up, he had the Playboy bunny logo (rabbit's head) on his keychain, dangling from the steering column everywhere he drove her. By this, and probably other signals, Dad communicated to his daughter what was important. Sure, there were other factors, but her behavior after 16 was, in many ways, a fulfillment of years of programming."

Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.

Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he meets throughout his life. Ladies, the shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners; your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and think that this is the norm. What we do as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking, they are and they notice everything their role model does.

Marriage by Example

Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had grown further apart. He was angry all of the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever having enough money was really getting to Brian.

Kids are like students in a class room and we are the teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting again. Whether it was because he was never home or because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already being upset I would snap back at the kids.

We also never really showed true affection to each other in front of our kids because he never would want to hold hands, gently kiss me or just hold me in front of the kids. Instead all he ever waned to do was have sex and you just don’t do that in front of your children. It is ok to show your children that you love each other through public affection.

“Your Dirty Little Secret”

The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.

I read so many confessions that start out with how that person’s addiction got started. The number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their parents porn stash that they find. As parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will pass on to our children. Things like faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone wants to pass down. How ever this is exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.

I am not just talking about the magazines, movies, or books that you may be hiding but, also your computer usage. Your habits and usage on the internet is used in the favor of the pornographer and is their opportunity to bombard your email with advertisements for porn. Not only is your address in the computer but, so are those of your children. Next thing you know porn links are being emailed to them because of your quick visit to a porn site.

Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be addicted to it. It does not matter it still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?

My children are younger and to explain to them what their dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular basis. I was also a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react next. I was always on edge afraid of getting caught by someone. Now, I did not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that it never happens again. You are never alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you; even your children.

Family Time

The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air. Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am thankful for every new day with our family.

Love

Danny Bias — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:04:04 -0700

As a porn addict my concept of love is one that is distorted at best. I grew up in a home where love was based on a “what have you done for me lately” basis. Now that I find myself in this new found relationship with Christ I am introduced to a new kind of love, unconditional. I am unfamiliar with this type of love; in fact it is somewhat frightening to me. I’ve only known how to love people on a conditional basis but another roadblock for me is the fact that I never learned how to truly love myself. I’ve spent the last 21 plus years hating myself and I have had a tremendous level of disgust for the person I’ve become. Porn addict, alcoholic, drug addict, once an innocent 9 year old now a 34 year old recovering addict.

The one thing that is helping me understand agape love, a love that is unconditional, is confession. Being truthful, open, and honest in all of my relationships helps me understand what true and unconditional love is. If I were to think about the strongest relationships I have they are the ones where the person knows everything about me. I am able to confess to that person the exact nature of my wrongs without the fear of judgment or rejection. James 5:16 tells us, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Confession is a big part of a true and authentic relationship. When I confess my sins to another person that is a sign of me placing my complete trust in them and in return I can experience a level of love I have never known before, that love being unconditional and non-judging.

Once I began to accept God’s forgiveness I was able to start looking others in the eye. I started to see myself in a whole new light, I started to learn how to love myself.

2 Corinthians 5:19 says, “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” In confession we open our lives to the healing, reconciling, restoring, uplifting grace of Jesus Christ who loves us in spite of ourselves.

1 John 1:9 promises, “But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”

Intimate Betrayal

Nicole — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 21:52:24 -0700

My husband, Jesse, and I have been married for nine years. When we got married I had no idea that my husband had been secretly struggling with sexual addiction since he was a teenager. In the first year of our marriage I became aware of his interest in pornography and wrote if off as men being men. As this thread of addiction continued to unravel, our marriage began to unravel as well. Recently we were reading through the Bible together and a passage in Matthew led to a discussion about our addiction experience and some important lessons that we have learned as we move through recovery together. Some of the things we discussed have become common themes that we have heard as we work with others in recovery. We thought we would write this post together and share some of these thoughts with you.

I (Nicole) have heard more Sunday morning messages about God taking on the form of man to identify with our humanness than I can count. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly believed them. There are lots of reasons for my disbelief most of them having to do with my insistence that it would be difficult for him to truly identify with my personal experiences as a woman and a wife. Reading Matthew 26 and 27 helped me to see how wrong I have been. For many years Jesse and I had struggled with harsh truths in our marriage. Truths about our connectedness, purity, honesty, unconditionalness. How could a perfect God identify and connect with me, personally and empathetically, given the level of intimate betrayal I have experienced? Enter Judas Iscariot.

The first verse that really stood out to both of us was Matthew 26:23 “Jesus replied, ‘The one who dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me”. My Jesus, the God of the heavens and the earth, is a multidimensional God. He is more than the God who rides in on a cloud of glory. He is also the man who experienced the hurt that results from the most intimate betrayal in all of history. A betrayal that is signified by the very sign if intimacy itself – a kiss. He has experienced the betrayal of a friend and confidant who shared in the closest of traditions at one of the most personal moments of Jesus life – his last supper. And this God/Man can surely identify with the painful betrayals of my heart.

While I (Jesse) was reading I was thinking that Judas apparently didn’t really, deep down, know Jesus. He spent a lot of time with him, but we know that he had been dishonest with Jesus all along. At the last supper, right after Jesus has clearly stated that he knows he’s going to be betrayed Judas joins the others in saying, “Surely it is not I?” (26:25) It’s as if he thought he could somehow fool the Son of God. When I was active in my addiction I spent a lot of time fooling myself. In fact, I would argue that I spent a lot of time trying to fool God. Each time I rationalized what I was doing, tried to stop watching porn on my own will, or made bargains with God I was actually playing this same game. Which made me wonder, how well do I really know Him? Reading about Judas leads me to ask myself some serious questions.

What stood out to me (Jesse) the most in this passage is that Judas represents the difference between remorse and repentance. Matt. 27:3 tells us that Judas “felt remorse.” Remorse to the point of death. Judas publicly acknowledged his sin and obviously felt awful about it. But he didn’t repent. I wondered as I read this: how many times have I felt just terrible about something I’ve done - like looking at pornography - and that was it? The fruit of remorse is, at best, an abiding sense of guilt, shame, and self pity. As I acted out in this addiction over and over again I experienced the guilt and shame of remorse each time but never felt freedom from what was holding me. Repentance is something else again. A repentant Judas might have done something to show a real turning from sin, not just feel bad about it. This challenges me because for some reason, even though it feels terrible, remorse over my porn addiction has been much easier than true repentance. Probably because it doesn’t require me to do anything except sit with my self-pity.

There's a song that I (Nicole) love with a lyric that talks about being “drunk on self pity, scorned all that’s been given me, I would drink from a bottle labeled Sure Defeat”. As I read Jesse’s reflections I think that’s the kind of hopelessness he’s writing about. The turn in the song comes when hope falls from the heavens allowing us to cast our worries to the sky. Grace.

So, here’s the hope of grace for us: I (Jesse) noticed that in the very midst of his betrayal, Jesus still calls Judas his “friend.” (26:50) That’s staggering. It tells me that Jesus isn’t writing anybody off, not even me. Even after all I have done and all that I have put my family through. At the ultimate moment, he was still ready to embrace Judas as a “friend.” And it tells me (Nicole) that our God is the God of reconciliation. The restorer of even the most broken, deceitful relationships. He is a God who can undoubtedly identify with my hearts desire to experience renewed intimacy and recovery from betrayal.

And so we both rejoice.

Busted

Mike S. — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:55:52 -0700

Do we hate sin? Or do we only aggressively deal with sin, including our own, only when we get caught… when we get “BUSTED!” How do we bring a message of reconciliation to a world that doesn’t have a relationship with God and deal with the issue of sin? It seems that if we deal with the issue of anybody else’s sin, we are being judgmental and critical. It also seems that dealing with the issue of our own sin has been somewhat put on a lower priority after the issue of raising our self image and having a firm grasp on our position as joint heirs with Christ and having the riches of Christ as our inheritance.

So how do we handle it? First off we know it has to be the way God deals with it and not the way we would deal with it. 1 Corinthians 13 says this, “If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”

It is so important to do this Jesus answered the Pharisees query with this in Matthew 22…
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied:” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Paul also teaches in Galatians 5: “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

All the Law and every word the Prophets spoke hang on those words. LOVE… What more need be said? Now lest we not be clear on this, we must love as God has shown us by His example. I can hear the little voice inside all of us saying, “Sure, but I am not God.” Yep, but God doesn’t ask us to be like Him, He knows we are on a journey of Sanctification. It is a process that will not end on Earth.

Just like Paul says in Romans 7: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

I believe we have gotten soft as Christians these days in dealing with sin. Am I advocating an Inquisition and a laying down of the Law and intolerance and judgmental ism, etc.? Nope, not at all. But we need to understand that just as a loving Father will discipline his child to stop his child from doing something that will hurt him, we must see a sinful world around us, sin in my own life, sin in our families, sin in our churches, and stop saying “well kids will be kids, they’ll learn someday…” The answer is not more self help programs, feel good sermon messages, and medication. It’s about aggressively engaging the journey of sanctification we all need to be on and IN LOVE… let me say it again IN LOVE, loving our neighbors enough to see them set free from as Paul said in Romans, “this body of death.” Set free from that which hinders us from becoming more like Christ.

Successful Failure

Danny Bias — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 07:58:56 -0700

For the most part, I spent my teenage years and early adulthood doing the bear minimum to get by in life. I graduated high school with a 1.9 GPA and if not for night school I wouldn’t have graduated. I spent 8 years in the military and when it came to the basic qualifications for the various positions I held I continued to follow suit by doing the bare minimum to achieve those qualifications. When it came to my marriage and my wife I never even came close to hitting the mark I was a failure from day one.

But there has been one thing that I have always applied all my effort and energy to which in return helped me to become the successful failure that I was, it was my porn habit. I became a so-called “expert” or so I thought, at hiding my tracks and not letting anyone know about my dirty little secret. That was until the day my wife discovered my internet tracks and at that point in my life there wasn’t anything that I wasn’t a successful failure at.

It wasn’t until I fully surrendered my life to Christ that I began to live a life of purpose and meaning. I began to see that I had spent most of my life trapped in a destructive cycle of shame and guilt and failure was always my end result.

“But for one reason only I've kept you on your feet: To make you recognize my power so that my reputation spreads in all the Earth.” Exodus 9:16

My life with out Christ has no meaning but with Christ my life has direction and purpose. Telling my story of being a successful failure to now being called to be a Pastor is filled with the recognition of God’s amazing power and through that His message is being spread.

Post Porn; How Do You Stay Together

Terri — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 01:10:32 -0700

Live God’s Word. I know what you’re thinking, and no, this is not going to be easy. It’s never easy for anyone, even the most pious. However, falling apart in your own house will likely cause you to fall apart in the House of God as well. And this is the time you want to be reaching out to God the most. There is a huge hurt upon you and you must keep looking heavenward for help.

Rebuild your sex life. Women, it will be so hard to look at this man sexually that you may feel repulsed by because of his porn habit.

3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Cor. 7:3-5

Think of God’s word as a plan. Much like doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc… have to plan their work; our marriages need a blueprint to follow. That takes sitting down and thinking for yourself what you want, and then talking to your spouse about his needs and wants. You may not always agree, and compromise is a must, but don’t sacrifice your soul and what you believe is right. Stand firm on things of substance to you. For me, I stand firm on this: if you want to remain married to me, NO PORN anymore at all, ever! But, if he is tempted, I want him to talk to me. I want him to find a male friend he can confide in, and I want him to seek out a Christian accountability partner in our church. But I don’t want to tear him down. I don’t want to be the nagging wife from which he needs to escape!

14 Houses and wealth are inherited from parents,
but a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14
15 A quarrelsome wife is like
a constant dripping on a rainy day; Proverbs 12:15

Lastly, wives even though you are torn down, and trust me, I was so broken, there were mornings that I thought getting out of bed would be like putting together a 500-piece puzzle, you’ve got to be present in your marriage. I have a very demanding, almost insane job. There are some days I leave work saying that I don’t know how I can come back the next day. I will dread it some days, and other days I’m in love with it. Marriage is much the same way. There are days that you want to get in your car at the end of the day, pass the exit that takes you home and keep driving. Yet to rebuild this relationship, you’ve got to be there. Husbands, too! Don’t avoid going home and facing the real issues in front of you. In your “planning” stage, you and your spouse must confront issues like, “what time should we be home every night for family time together,” “how many nights a week should we plan to have dinner at the table together,” “how can we both better parent our children as a team,” and this is a big one, “what can I do to make you feel special?” And this goes BOTH ways. Both you and your spouse must find answers to these questions!

Men do not want to go home sometimes because at home, they are just “husband” or “father.” Yet, at work, at the corner bar, or among friends, they may be the super wonderful hero. My husband, for example, was so well liked at work, I would tease him that he practically had a harem! Women swooned over him…really! Yet he would walk in the door and I was exhausted from work and school, and putting up with our two children. The hero fell from grace quickly as I handed over a daughter that needed a diaper change or the letter from our son’s school about yet another infraction of the rules. He went from being respected and admired, complimented all day to being the man I saw naked and who often left “presents” behind in the toilet when he forgot to flush! Wives, we forget that once upon a time, this man was a rock star to us. We waited for his phone calls and got butterflies at the sound of his car when it pulled into our drive (a sound we memorized and could differentiate from all the other engines). Wives, we have to appreciate our husbands so that the transition from hero at work to servant at home doesn’t deflate him. Husbands, however, also need to understand our situations.

7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 1 Peter 3:7

Men, if you’re reading this, being the hero at work can extend to home if you act like the hero at home! Change the diaper, offer to take dinner out of the oven, fold the laundry while she does the dishes, or even let her watch television for a bit while you take over! You’ve got to be there for your wife and kids. Your wife doesn’t resent you because you’re too awesome. You earned some of the disdain you’re getting at home. Husbands and wives, if you are not there for your family, the devil will be and it is the responsibility of both partners not let Satan lead what God has give you responsibility for! Jesus said in Matthew 7:24-27 that we should take the time to make sure the foundation is rock solid because WHEN (not if) the rains come and we aren’t solid…the crash is going to be intense. It’s time to take the covenant of marriage seriously. Dedicate to it, and learn to fall in love all over again with Jesus Christ. Both of you.