Couples - XXXchurch

A Walk Through Distruction

Shaun — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 17:27:04 -0700

Recently in Bogota, Colombia you may have heard there was a big explosion outside a radio station in the centre of the city. I’ve been living in Bogota for nearly 8 months and this is my first experience of any bombs, shooting etc etc. The same day after the explosion took place I went to meet a friend and we were walking to grab a bit to eat at a restaurant but to get to the restaurant we needed to walk past the blast site of the explosion.

When I woke up and heard about the explosion the news channels were mainly focusing on a bunch of blown out windows, so when we walked past the area we were both shocked as we looked around at the destruction that was before our eyes.

The local people and the news channels kept saying that its been such a long time since something like this has happened and that they didn’t expect it to happen and that really got me thinking about how many people are going through their lives while partaking in some activities which flat out honest is destructing to themselves, family, friends and their relationship with God. I know many people who have carried their own ‘dirty little secrets’ such as being addicted to porn, cheating on their partner or just lying to yourself that no one is going to get hurt and at the end of the day the bomb will go off and will change your life forever. Maybe now would be the time to deal with your ‘dirty little secrets’ before the clock runs down and people are hurt.

I recently had someone speak to me about his Porn and lust habit which he was finding difficult to deal with but as soon as he shared his problem, it lost the power it had over him. This guy could’ve left it and carried on but he decided he needed to talk to someone about it before it evolves into something which will be more harming for him and the people around him. While it might not be easy telling someone I really want to encourage you to find someone you can trust to share it with but ultimately look to God. In Ephesians 1:7 it says...

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace.”

You are Forgiven.... You don’t need to let it eat away at you

You are Free.... The chains of sin have been broken

Will you let Jesus in....? Do it, it will forever change the way you live your life

Consequence of Porn Addiction to Husbands

Guest — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 20:35:30 -0700

Porn addiction for married men could cause them to lose their intimacy with their wives. Instead of resolving their problems together, he will go into a fantasy world where she would not be able to reach him. Understanding and communication will be lost. The husband, instead of asking what needs to be done to make the relationship happy again resorts to pornography. It alienates the wife and causes an emotional gap that eventually can lead to divorce. Through pornography a real connection with his wife would not be possible. Pornography is one big lie that seeks to wreak havoc on a happy marriage. It seduces the husband with false closeness, giving him false confidence. Hard core pornography serves gives disturbing images, once a man gets addicted to them; it is hard to turn back. Sadistic behavior and even disgusting videos of humans having sex with animals will only serve to destroy rather than give a real happy existence. Husbands who are addicted live a life of guilt and paranoia of being discovered.

Husbands, who start to resort to pornography, lose confidence in themselves. They fail to gain the respect that they need to feel useful and effective heads of the family. It can also create expectations in the bedroom which the wife cannot relate to, this can also cause the wife to feel insecure about herself, because it would be perceived that she is not enough to cater to her husband’s needs. Creating tension and a lot of misunderstanding, it dehumanizes the other person in the relationship. Although others might perceive this as a creative step, it hinders a man from loving his wife, without the need of pornographic suggestions. Pornography only serves to create more lies, and if left uncontrolled could be devastating

My Story - Sarah Valente

Brian — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 18:46:12 -0700

This blog is from our friend Sarah Valente @ Kingdom Twindom. You should see more stuff from her as the time goes on. Her story is very powerful and I know that there are many here who can benefit from her amazing boldness to stand before God and all of us. She is willing to open up all of the doors in her life and let you look in. So please give a warm welcome to Sarah Valente.
Brian Mac

"My Story"

I married my husband on July thirteenth two-thousand and three. We spent two gloriously oversexed weeks together before he headed back to the Marine Corps base in North Carolina to prepare for deployment to Afghanistan. He was leaving me behind to mourn and pine, pine and mourn, until his return. Actually, that's not entirely true. In reality, we enjoyed a beautiful wedding night complete with champagne, caviar and the best meal I've eaten to date, and then I spent the majority of the next thirteen days battling an excruciatingly painful UTI. I soaked for many hours in a putrid herbal bath (the same one I ended up living in after my second set of twins were born) while he talked to me from outside the bathroom door because he couldn't stand the smell that, I might add, was slowly infusing his new bride's pores. Once he flew away, I began busily preparing our home. I did very little pining, though, and found that, once the question of "Who am I going to marry?" had been answered, I was suddenly and surprisingly free. Truth be told, I loved the freedom (though not the loneliness) of that first year of marriage without my husband. Although, the second six months apart were much harder than the first, because it was at the mark between first and second that I actually fell in love with my baby-faced Marine.

He came home, officially discharged, a few days before our first anniversary (which we celebrated with a formal ceremony since we'd eloped the year before). We were only a few months into our second year of marriage, and about a month into our first viable pregnancy, when I discovered that my husband had a possible problem with pornography. It would be another year or more before I'd hear the words pornography and addiction together in a sentence. All I knew, in that moment, was that I wasn't willing to put up with whatever garbage was being dished up and passed down the table in my direction. I expressed my hurt and outrage and made it abundantly clear that I would not be sticking around to play second fiddle to fantasy. And I figured that would more than take care of the problem. After all, my husband loved me and I was the only real choice. But a planned pregnancy soon stole my husband's lingerie clad housekeeper and replaced her with a bedridden, vomiting dependent. That certainly wasn't the cause of our downfall, but it warmly incubated a dangerous preexisting condition.

By the spring of two-thousand and six, I was the mother of two very active barely toddlers with two more waiting (also actively) in the womb. It wasn't the time I would have chosen to receive a late night phone call from my husband's recently scorned mistress. But, then again, I supposed there is never a good time for that call. Nevertheless, it was less than twenty four hours later that I finally knew what I had been, in sudden bursts of anger, accusing my husband of for the past year or more. I wasn't crazy, that was the good news. The bad news was that I had married a sex addict who had embarked on a dangerous and destructive double life about the same time I fell in love. I imagine that any human being, when faced with the kind of news I received that night, would cry. I am fabulous at being human, so I wept.

The next few weeks were a hailstorm of emotion. The majority of my nearly three year marriage had been tainted by a common lie; and my husband, long before destroyed by guilt, had little desire to delay the agony any longer. He insisted we should end it; and, on the surface, I agreed. Even still, the quiet voice, as if on a loop in my spirit, repeated, "Let me have this, and I will work a miracle," over and over and over again. And I knew, almost instantly, that I was being asked (but never ordered) to stay.

That was four years ago, and oh how I wish I could say that the rest of the story was history...that I hadn't spent the past four years learning how to forgive my husband and that he hadn't spent it learning how to forgive himself and find deliverance from his demons. But, well, the journey only began for us at that point.

I was able to stay, not because I am especially strong or especially weak (though these are the two most common theories), but because I trust my God. The things He has diligently taught me apply, not just to our very dramatic version of a broken marriage, but to all marriages since Adam first blamed Eve for serving up that delectible forbidden fruit. You see, what marriage does is make one person out of two. But divided they fall. Divided they fall. Divided they fall! And Satan knows that much better than we do.

The next time you are face-to-face with your enemy, try giving their arm a little pinch (you can tell them it's an experiment). If they wince or complain, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you've been misinformed. The human being you are standing before (even someone with the potential to hurt you as only a spouse can) is not, in fact, your enemy. We wrestle not against flesh and blood. Human enemies are the kind we pray for, not the kind we pray against. And so the same enemies you have in your current marriage you will often have two, three even four marriages down the road. Which is not to say that all marriages will be saved. Two individual hearts must surrender to God before they can move together as one. But, as half of a marriage, every spouse has the obligation to God to know his enemies...and to fight, hard, with and for the right side.

The good news is that it's Satan who is out to destroy you, to destroy your spouse, and to destroy your marriage. Your spouse may choose the wrong side (for a season or, sadly, forever), but your destruction is not his idea. Just as Eve wouldn't have thought to eat the apple if Satan hadn't hissed the idea her way, your spouse, your other half, your teammate wouldn't set out to stray, cheat, lie, insult, nag, withdraw, reject leave the cap off the toothpaste if not influenced (not forced, but tempted) by principalities, powers, rulers of darkness and spiritual wickedness in high places. Satan cannot make anyone do anything, but he quite often has something to do with it. So, when Satan attacks through the actions of your spouse, don't let him pull you apart; instead, lock arms (even when it hurts) and hold on tight. That's what we've done for the past four years, even through the insinuation of a step-child and rumors of recent adultery. And, from a depth of experience that I never sought to gain, I can, without shame or doubt, tell you this: Marriage is precious, purposeful and holy. And nothing Satan hates as much should be given up on without a bloody, armor wearing fight!

Porn & Your Family (Children)

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:16:37 -0700

People ask often “how can my viewing of porn affect others around me. I watch it alone; it’s just me and the porn this can not possibly affect others.” However your actions and habits affect everyone around and your relationship with them. We hope that with each section we can bring some light to each area and how it affects you and others in your life.

How do you explain to your kids why daddy or mommy is going away? Thankfully this did not happen to Brian and me but, so many other people do not get the “happy” ending that we did. Families are broken up, kids get separated from one another and their life is changed forever. Porn addiction affects the whole entire family.

A Childs Observation

Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.
“A friend was hurt and angry when his 16-year-old daughter left home and, for 18 months, slept with every male she could get her hands on. While I was counseling her, it almost seemed she was bragging about her sexual popularity. Her Dad was angry at the world, but, having known him for years, I knew the problem was closer to home. You see, for most of the time she was growing up, he had the Playboy bunny logo (rabbit's head) on his keychain, dangling from the steering column everywhere he drove her. By this, and probably other signals, Dad communicated to his daughter what was important. Sure, there were other factors, but her behavior after 16 was, in many ways, a fulfillment of years of programming."

Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.

Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he meets throughout his life. Ladies, the shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners; your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and think that this is the norm. What we do as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking, they are and they notice everything their role model does.

Marriage by Example

Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had grown further apart. He was angry all of the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever having enough money was really getting to Brian.

Kids are like students in a class room and we are the teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting gain. Whether it was because he was never home or because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already being upset I would snap back at the kids.

We also never really showed true affection to each other in front of our kids because he never would want to hold hands, gently kiss me or just hold me in front of the kids. Instead all he ever waned to do was have sex and you just don’t do that in front of your children. It is ok to show your children that you love each other through public affection.

“Your Dirty Little Secret”

The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.

I read so many confessions that start out with how that person’s addiction got started. The number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their parents porn stash that they find. As parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will pass on to our children. Things like faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone wants to pass down. How ever this is exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.

I am not just talking about the magazines, movies, or books that you may be hiding but, also your computer usage. Your habits and usage on the internet is used in the favor of the pornographer and is their opportunity to bombard your email with advertisements for porn. Not only is your address in the computer but, so are those of your children. Next thing you know porn links are being emailed to them because of your quick visit to a porn site.

Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be addicted to it. It does not matter it still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?

My children are younger and to explain to them what their dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular basis. I was also a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react next. I was always on edge afraid of getting caught by someone. Now, I did not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that it never happens again. You are never alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you; even your children.

Family Time

The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air. Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am thankful for every new day with our family.

Stressful

Gerald Z — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:11:03 -0700

Over the last couple of weeks I have been really struggling with stress. This stress has been caused by numerous things piling up around me with my work and personal life. Between going to work and online college, I have honestly neglected my marriage and most importantly my relationship with God.

My relationship with my wife is very important. We have worked very hard at creating a marriage that in all honesty gets better each year. I can say that because we have put lots of time and effort into learning each other and most importantly developing unconditional love for one another. The love that my wife and I share is one that requires true faith in each other because we continue to love each other even though we have at times hurt each other in different ways.

During this time of extreme stress a couple of weeks ago I found myself being very short with my wife, saying hurtful things or even demanding things from her instead of asking. During this time frame we were very much at each other’s throats over the littlest things. Even as I prepared the material for the bible study on Wednesday night I was highly irritated because I had other things that need to be done like yard work or a paper to be written for school. I couldn’t even concentrate on the Word of God.

This past Sunday the bickering, arguing and hurtful words ran its course; we decided to go to the park and get to a place that was free of distractions to talk about are recent actions toward each other. As we talked I had a revelation that my relationship with God had taken a backseat to everything else going on. I realized that temptations where coming at me from all directions, I was entertaining thoughts, watching a lot of TV, playing video games, not managing my language… I was allowing these things to take the place of God; I was justifying my actions because of my stress.

When this stressful time hit, I started to think that the things that I was involved in where important enough to merit my impatience, lack of grace toward others or my attempt to have a tight grip of control in my life. My prayer time had become almost scripted, I was just going through the motions and it was the first time in months that I had an impure thought. I was neglecting my wife, co-workers, friends, and worst of all God. It is truly amazing how fast and easy we forget God when stress hits or when we start feeling like we are losing control, the control that we never had in the first place. After all that God has pulled me through, I still find myself learning these valuable lessons, realizing that life is about God and not about me.

Stress looks differently to everyone. For men, it is usually that time when we turn to something that is instant and gives temporary relief, i.e.: pornography. The status quo of the world is to allow yourself to indulge in the pleasures of the world, have a few drinks, visit a strip club, visit porn sites, release your stress through some sort of sinful outlet; this only causes more pain and gives temporary relief. Also, these actions create dependence for relief from the everyday grind which in turn becomes an addiction. But what do you do with stress, how do you get over it or find relief? You get over yourself, I am sorry if that is rude but seriously, once we realize that it’s not about getting our selfishness met by something created by the world we can move on to a closer relationship with God.

The stress of life can sometimes cause us to fall away from God, falling away from God will cause us to be exposed to temptation. When we entertain those temptations we are literally flirting with suicide. In stressful situations or in situations when we feel like failures in the world we should use those opportunities to allow God to be glorified. Times of difficulty are the best times to embrace the Holy Spirit and to become desperate for God. God will allow us to experience failure and disappointment because he wants to demonstrate to you that He is still in control.

Let me put it this way… When I am having a tuff time in life, I need to thank God for the struggles so that I can demonstrate that God is great and that knowing Him brings peace and joy. Would you be so bold to praise Him and thank Him for your struggles?

Dirty Laundry

Danny Bias — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:31:11 -0700

There are some many other things I would rather do then laundry. I know I am going to get some flak for this but I am so grateful my wife does the laundry. When I was single I did, put the dirty clothes in the dryer with dryer sheet to make the smell go away style of laundry and only did laundry in times of desperation i.e.; empty sock and underwear draw or when the smell from the laundry pile became noticeable.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way about doing laundry and pretty sure I’m not alone in my dryer sheet style of doing laundry.

The thing is, is that when I look back on my past this is the approach I took in most areas of my life; I just put things off until a time of desperation set in and then out of a sense of urgency addressed the issue.

The problem with having a huge pile of dirty laundry sitting around is that it starts to stink. But we become immune to the smell and it isn’t till someone notices the smell or it gets so bad that we notice it ourselves do we actually do something about it.

I can say the same thing about my porn addiction. It wasn’t until someone else noticed it (my wife) and pointed it out did I do anything about it.

I used the old adage, “It’s not like I’m hurting anyone.”

All the while my wife was sitting around in my pile of “dirty laundry” and it was starting to stink.

The bills were piling up and no money to pay them. Our house was in shambles but I was to busy acting out to see our care about the condition of our home. Our cars need to be serviced, needed new tires and they looked like they had never been washed our life was a mess but I became immune to our problems, straight out I just didn’t care.

“How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.” Proverbs 6:9-11 (ESV)

When I was a kid whenever I would get in trouble my mom would make me read the book of Proverbs. After my wife and I first separated, after my porn addiction was brought to light that’s the first thing I did, I read through the book of Proverbs. I found this Bible I had gotten at summer camp as a Kid and I read through the book of Proverbs and I came across this verse and it hit me like a 2x4 to the back of the head. I was the sluggard and poverty had come upon me and for the first time in my life I realized that I was hurting someone and I had hurt many people through out my life because of my addiction to porn.

I new from that point forward I had to live in reality about my porn addiction and stop being in denial about the affects it had on other people’s lives.

I knew I had to get rid of the stink in my life it was time from me to do my “dirty laundry.”

“My guilt overwhelms me— it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.” Psalm 38:4-6 (NLT)

One Day @ A Time: Part 1

Brian and Darcy — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 19:54:55 -0700

As a couple how do you work through recovery for both you and your spouse? The answer is; one day at a time. During the next two weeks Darcy and I will talk about how both of us got through our recovery and healing one day at a time. The first week Brian will hit on how he did it this way.

When we first started our healing as a couple I wanted to just run porn over and tell it to get the hell out of my life. How ever it was not just going to leave us alone just like that. It had spent too much time trying to rip me away from my wife, children, family, and God. And up to this point it had done a great job.

When I first started off in our recovery process we were ready to go and I was just going to stop looking at porn and Darcy would just be happy it was over and we would go on living our new life. This was all good for about the first month but, things got a lot harder at about the one month point. Now the adrenalin of fighting this was going away and the real fight for my purity was going to have to happen.

At many times during the day images of women, porn scenes, and even sounds from movies would pop in my head. I could have been at work, home, and even at church and this would happen. It did not matter if it was morning, noon, or night. It was getting harder for me to fight off the temptation with the attack of images in my head. Up to this point I still had not realized how much porn had become a part of my life. So much so that now my mind and body were fighting against me. I had removed something that my mind was use to and thought that it needed it was trying to help feed what it again thought it needed. It was coming at me at all times of day and in any location. This is when we realized I needed to fight this one day at a time and that it was not just going to go away.

So what did that look like for me; one day at a time? Well I sat down and I mapped out my day; yes you will have to put some work into this if you want out of it. Here is what my day looked like broken up and I will explain how I attacked each section.

6:00 am     -     7:00 am      Prayer & Prep
7:00 am     -     10:00 am   Hour Prayer Alert
10:00 am   -     12:00 pm   Re-Focus & Re-Fresh
12:00 pm   -     1:00 pm      Walk Away
1:00 pm     -     3:30 pm      Hour Prayer Alert
3:30 pm     -     5:00 pm      Re-Focus & Re-Fresh
5:00 pm     -     6:00 pm      Relax
6:00 pm     -     9:00 pm      Revisit & Renew
9:00 pm     -     11:00 pm   Alone Time w/ Wife
11:00 pm   -     11:15 pm   Prayer & Prep

These were the areas that I needed to pay attention to get through my day at this point in my recovery.

Prayer & Prep
Right when I would wake up I would sit in bed and pray that in this day God would walk with me the entire day and that he would provide ways for me to get away from any temptations I may have. This was also a time for me to look ahead and remind my self what I was doing and why I was doing it. I would also do this right before I would go to bed. I would thank God for everything he had provided that day to help.

Hour Prayer Alert
I had a watch that would beep on the hour every hour and when ever it would go off I would just stop what I was doing and just take that quick moment to talk to God and re align my self if I needed it.

Re-Focus & Re-Fresh
When ever you see this in my break down is when I would really struggle during my day. The reason was because during the 10 am and lunch things would slow down for me at work and my mind would wonder. During these times I would often have thoughts or images in my head so I decided that during this time frame I would remind my self why I was working so hard to remove this from my life. I would just pause for a little bit and look at a picture of my wife or kids or read a passage that reminded me of the relationship that God really wanted me to have.

Relax
During this time I did not really have a way to look at porn it was either time to drive home from work or a pre determined time that I was with others.

Revisit & Renew
This was time for me to get to know my family again and work on building the bond that a family should have. I would spend more time with my children and let them know that they were now the focus of my life. I was filling a void with what was right now that I had removed what was wrong.

Alone Time w/ Wife
Do not get me wrong this was not my only alone time with my wife, one hour. How ever the normal week this was the only time we had alone with out the kids. This was time to work on bringing our marriage back to what it should be as well. Oh did I say WORK; yep that is right marriage is work I do not care how you look at it. It will take work to keep your marriage strong and it will take work to rebuild your marriage after an addiction to sexual sin.

Not everyone’s breakdown would look like this. We all have very different lives and structure to how we go about our busy lives. But if you sit down and really focus on how and were temptation gets the better of you you’ll be able to come up with a plan to carry you through the day.

Next week Darcy will talk about her one day at a time and how forgiveness, understanding, and love played key roles in her healing.

Please feel free to place comments here and Darcy & I will do our best to reply or if you would like to send a private email you may do so at briananddarcy@xxxchurch.com

Quicksand

Derek C — Mon, 31 May 2010 18:56:50 -0700

Tom spies a note on the counter "Went to run a few errands, be home around 6 and I have a surprise for you...xoxo" A smile creeps across Tom's face, but not because of the hugs and kisses nor the surprise, but because he knows he has 45 minutes to visit his favorite solo-girl website before his wife gets home.

She arrives home later and surprises him by cooking his favorite meal. She then softly whispers "meet me in the bedroom" with a wink and sly grin. As Tom enters the chamber of marital bliss he hears his lover softly giggle. She enters the bedroom shortly after, primped, primed, and provocatively dressed in an outfit she purchased strictly for his benefit. Tom is unable to fully enjoy his wife's seduction, however, because he is too ashamed. All he can do is picturing his favorite internet girl the whole time. But who can he tell, who can he talk to, where can he get help?

The truth is scenes similar to this one play out in millions of homes everyday; men who genuinely love their wives and have good marriages cannot help but imagine their pretend porn girlfriends. They feel isolated, helpless, guilty, and embarrassed. It would be easier for the common man to admit he's an alcoholic than a porn addict. The pejorative stigma attached to pornography addiction is quite real and very crippling. But why?

As has been mentioned on this very site many times, porn is a billion dollar industry. We can look at these numbers and instantly know that millions upon millions of people use porn including teachers, pastors, police officers, doctors, CEO's and even famous actors and actresses. So, why then is porn still considered America's dirty little secret?

It is my belief that people still do not have a true awareness of just how mesmerizing and enslaving pornographic addiction truly is. They don't understand the chemical addiction nor are they aware that porn producers spend millions of dollars on market research in order to lure people in...to trap them. As Craig Gross once said, why do you think many of these sites offer free three day trials? They know that after just a few looks, just some "innocent" glances, and just one little step in the quicksand that you are stuck; consequently, they are counting on you being too ashamed, too selfish and too embarrassed to ever cry out for help. Slowly but surely you sink deeper and deeper...

So, how does one combat this type of foe? By talking about it. Whether by phone or email or carrier pidgin you need to tell someone. You can even use outlets like X3 watch to help broach the subject or even this very blog. Breaking the barrier of shame is the first step in achieving victory not only over porn addiction but over superficial, meaningless relationships in general. Because if you can't be yourself, then who are you?

And if you are not the porn addict but the confesee, don't judge. Offer help, offer hope and offer a hand out of the quicksand.

The Marriage Bed.

Brian and Darcy — Tue, 25 May 2010 18:47:13 -0700

You know not a lot of people are not willing to talk about their sexual relationship and heaven forbid if you talk about sex in church. Now don't get me wrong I have seen much improvement in the church taking on this subject but, it is still not enough not even close.

Brian and I have talked about this before with people, couples, and with each other over the last couple of years. Finding it beneficial for married couples to share what they have learned about sex in their marriage. I would like to touch base on how our marriage bed was affected by pornography. During Brian's addiction, during the healing process, and after things turned around.

During The Addiction:
When we first got married our sexual relationship was great as most newly married couples will tell you. However, things started to change rather quickly and became very ugly. It felt to me that I was no longer having sex with my husband and being loved like a wife should. Instead I felt like I was becoming nothing more than a play thing; some sex toy for him.

He would constantly try to get me to have sex with him all the time and there were even several times I felt like I was being forced to have sex with him. His sexual desires even changed to the point that we were doing things that I didn't want to do but, felt that if I didn't he would just keep bugging me until I gave in. It was getting harder and harder to stand up for myself. After you get the feeling of all my husband wants from me is sex, self esteem goes down the toilet.

Not only was he affecting my sex life but my life in general. I had no courage to say “no” to him in anything we did. He was becoming a monster and I was getting more and more afraid of him. The same man that I made a promise to God and to myself that I would love him until death, I was now looking for a way out. Trying whatever I could to avoid confrontation I would stay up late until he would be in bed asleep. Going to bed early so that he would not see me get into my pajamas, this was one of the many triggers that would start the fight. Pretending I was asleep so that he would just leave me alone. These things I did in order to stay away from having sex with him.

I was now living in a nightmare; one that seemed like I could never wake up from. I have been raised in a strong Christian family, I knew that leaving would be wrong, but at what point do I call this abuse? Maybe I would leave him and take the kids heading to my parents house. Maybe I could freeze him out so much by not having sex with him that he would leave me; since sex was so important to him. Something had to change and change soon it had to stop!!!

At this point I knew he watched porn and had a few magazines but, I had no idea how bad it was. In fact when he would pressure me into having sex I would tell him, "Go watch a movie and help yourself." I know now that I was helping him feed his addiction. If I only knew what I now know, things might have been changed earlier. Nor did I know that this was stealing my husband from me and ripping us apart.

The healing!
It will be a day that I will NEVER forget! After our church held a Porn and Pancakes event, after Brian told me and our small group that he had a porn addiction. It was Saturday and he had just returned from the Porn and Pancakes event. He walked in and I could tell that something had changed something about his eyes. Like God had finally lifted the veil of porn, that had been covering them for so many years.

He asked the kids to go downstairs came in and gave me a big hug. I did not say one word. He started a fire and put all of the porn stuff he had, movies, DVD’s and magazines. Like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Not always angry, not jumpy, Brian the wonderful man that I married was coming back to me.

It was not easy at first, I was still cautious about things at night. After all people can’t stop habits immediately right? We did not have sex for a while, this was good for me. I needed to know that I was no longer an object of sex for him but something that he was cherishing.

At first the sex was almost “new” again. It was so refreshing, during his healing process we had started talking, I mean really talking about things. He wanted to know what I had been feeling and how it affected me. After telling him that I had been afraid of him, it hurt him badly. The healing process is a long road for both people; please if this is you do not give up. When two people love each other God will help you overcome obstacles.

Today:
Brian and I are so very different now compared to how it was years ago. We are not broken, but beautifully created again. Our marriage is now what God intended it to be. Ladies, please do not give up, if you love this man, help him. Porn is an addiction, one that will come in and steal everything from you. Do not let Satan win; stand by your husband/boyfriend.

I am so proud of Brian and what he has overcome. I am not ashamed of him, but I look at him as a stronger man than ever before. He was up against something so powerful; he was willing to risk everything for it. Our relationship is not all a bed of roses, we still have our fights and arguments, but now we can talk through them and not hurt each other like before. His healing and admitting he had a problem has saved our marriage.

If you are looking for a resource to help you walk through this please visit our friends at Partners For Purity. These are a group of women who get it. They have been there before and want to help you get through this too.

Another great place for resources would be the resource section here on the web site.

You can also contact Brian and Myself at briananddarcy@xxxchurch.com.

Originally posted April 10th 2009

Rear View Mirror

Jen Bias — Tue, 18 May 2010 17:57:03 -0700

Have you ever when driving, glanced in your rear-view mirror and realized that the person behind you must be late for work, or an important appointment, because they are riding your tail so close you can see the anxiety and frustration on their face? Maybe they are in the middle of a phone conversation that’s apparently upsetting them, or reaching across the seat to gather up their fallen papers or purse contents that have scattered all over their car when they slammed the breaks on too hard at that last light. (I know I cannot be the only person who has observed this, or for that matter experienced it first hand.) It’s hard not to get preoccupied with a scene like that behind you. For me, it’s even hard not to allow it to affect my own driving and emotions. I can lose focus on the road ahead, my destination, and miss potential hazards in the way. I’m too focused on that rear view mirror.

The tendency to focus too much on what’s behind me shows up in other areas of my life as well. A few weeks ago, my husband and I were doing some reminiscing of our first year of marriage. Whenever we have these conversations we usually marvel at how much has changed in our lives. You see, our first year of marriage was pre-disclosure of my husband’s porn addiction; pre-recovery and pre-Jesus in our lives. It was just around our first year anniversary that I discovered his addiction.
Remembering and talking about the past, I would say, is not entirely a bad thing, indeed it can be a great reminder of where we came from. It can keep us grounded in the reality that life without God and recovery, well quite frankly, doesn’t work out so well for us. It also keeps us from becoming prideful, believing the lie that we’ve got this all figured out on our own. Looking at the past so clearly reminds us that God is the One who pulled us out of the muck and sustains us today.

There is a potentially dangerous side to all this reminiscing for me though, and this particular incident with my husband pointed out where I am still weak. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation, my thoughts turned toward questions about my husband’s acting out. Questions like: Is there something I still don’t know? Are there details that I want to demand of him? My imagination then gets triggered, and I am actually answering these questions myself, in my head. I imagine who he may have looked at lustfully, how he may have felt toward them, and how I may not have measured up next to these women. At that point I am consumed with these thoughts, and the feelings follow. I experience that aching rush through my body and the drop of the stomach when betrayal has just been brought to light. It’s as if I am back in those moments all over again, experiencing the shock and then devastation of the truth about the man I married. It is seemingly real in that moment. All the while, my husband is just chattering along, unaware of what is going on inside of me. Suddenly I lose any self-control and I lash out at him with accusations and sarcasm. Well, things get real sour at that point, and seemingly any progress that has been made over the years, gets thrown out the window. The conversation ends in hurt feelings and frustration.

Now, this scene has played out several times between my husband and I over the years, and for the most part, I have to confess that I have allowed myself to wallow in these feelings and continue to obsess about the past and possibilities regarding my husband’s acting out. In the recovery program I work, this could be considered a major slip! This being a major weakness of mine, no doubt, I was tempted to fall into this once again, but after a moment of prayer and reflection, a verse written by Paul, that I have read over many times, spoke to my heart: “…but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Philippians 3:13-14.

With this in mind, I knew I had a choice. I could allow myself to get distracted by assumptions, imaginings, and even cold hard facts about the past. I could forget the destination that I have been called to head toward, and instead focus on that rear-view mirror, and as a result miss out on His call to freedom in Him, and a better way of life. Or, I could make that conscious choice to stay focused on the road before me, the path of recovery, and be about the business of today. By God’s grace I can choose the latter on a daily basis!

Fraud

Danny Bias — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 18:44:42 -0700

Have you ever seen the “Certified Pre-Owned Vehicle” sticker on a car? Or have you ever pulled the carfax report on a used vehicle you were going to buy? Having this information on a vehicle not only gives you a heads up it gives you security in knowing whether or not the vehicle is worth buying. Wouldn’t it be great if there was something like this for people? I guess you can run a background check and a credit report on someone but that’s not going to tell who they really are on the inside. Like what the think, what the feel, their core beliefs, the things that make up their character, the true nature of that person. You know the stuff you really want to know before you invest your time in developing a relationship with them. Obviously if you find out that the vehicle is a bucket of bolts from the information you have about it you’re not going to buy it. This information is key, especially when a vehicle looks great on the outside but on the inside, the stuff that really matters, it is complete and utter junk looks can be very deceiving. My Dad always told me, “you can polish anything up to make a quick buck.”

I know my wife would have loved to of had my “carfax” report before she married me. As a lust addict I was just like a sleazy used car salesman trying to push off the lemon of the person I was on to her. I told her everything she wanted to hear and believe me, I made sure I was nice and polished up every time she saw me. There were plenty of little “dents” for her to notice but sometimes the shiny chrome can hide those dents. My sticker should have read “Certified Porn Addict.”"

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
1 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)

Luckily I found the master mechanic, Jesus Christ who was not interested in my outside appearance. He knew me from the inside out. I may have been able to deceive the people in my life but Christ knew my deepest, darkest, dirty little secrets but even despite those things He still found value in me.

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?” Romans 8:31-32 (The Message)

It is essential for me to keep focused on this verse when I forget who I am in Christ and what He has done in my life.

While my “carfax” report may be one that would cause someone to find no value in me I know that in Christ I have value.

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:28-31 (ESV)

“A Life Corrupted by Me”

Jen Bias — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 19:40:49 -0700

I’ve been thinking about what the most difficult struggle is being married to a lust/porn addict. I could answer several things I suppose. The insecurity of the relationship might be one answer. The never truly knowing for sure what may be around the next corner for us. The feeling that the trap door may swing open at any moment and I’ll fall into yet another discovery or disclosure. I could perhaps say the trust factor, or intimacy. The breaking down those protective barriers put up in the wake of the chaos and destruction after learning about my husband’s double life, putting trust in their place. Maybe the stigma attached. The wondering what others may be thinking when they learn about my husband’s past. These things, and many others, are indeed struggles that are very real in my life, but when I dig deep and clear away the layers of dirt in the garden that is ME, I discover that my biggest struggle is just that….ME!

After learning about my husband’s addiction five years ago, my life completely shifted and was realigned. It sent me on a journey of not only discovering more about the man I married, but on the path to discovering me. I dove head first into recovery as a spouse of a lust addict, a codependent, an adult child of an alcoholic, and many other things. I wanted to know why I had married a man who was trapped in such a destructive addiction, who could lie to me and live a double life, who, when it comes down to it, was not available for me. I had to examine my expectations, my desires to be taken care of by this man who could not even take care of himself. I realized my hurts, my emptiness, and my desperateness. I confessed to myself that I sought out someone to save me from me…anybody, and I expected my husband to be that savior. I have since realized that he could never be that for me, nor I for him, that Jesus is the only One capable and qualified for such a role! I have also learned that I am not responsible for my husband’s recovery; I am responsible only for my own!

This leads back to me. Before I knew my husband, I needed Jesus and recovery. I didn’t know it then and my hardened heart would have denied it, in fact I did deny it, but God was pursuing me all the while. I believe He used the circumstances in my marriage to get my attention, just as much as He used them to get my husband’s. Sometimes though, actually a lot of the time, I forget that God created me with gifts, abilities, a purpose, and most importantly with the capacity to love Him and have a relationship with Him regardless and outside of the circumstances of my marriage and where my husband may or may not be in his own path of recovery. This realization reminds me of on whom I should be laying my foundation, and how easily I slip back into old destructive patterns.

“Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.”
2 Peter 1:3-4 (The Message)

It's Not Always the Husband

Tamara — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 19:26:44 -0700

What does it mean to be free? Where is freedom?
Can we find it? How do we find it? Who is a free person?
What do they look like? How does a free person live their life?

I want to take a look at this word Freedom and talk about what it really means to be free.

Freedom can mean many things to many different types of people. Whether it's freedom from political persecution, freedom from physical restraint, immunity and civil liberty or simply the power to exercise choice and decision without constraint; freedom is a powerful state of being which we all crave and for that matter deserve.

I lived the life of a people-pleaser most of my life; to the point that I was living my life for everyone else. I was a social chameleon trying to be all things to all people.

In early adulthood my husband and I were in a denominational church that put a lot of emphasis on service. Together we taught 4th grade Sunday school for years, I taught preschool choir and sang in the adult choir, not to mention caring for aging family members. I worked hard to be the ideal wife, mother and citizen. All while my husband was climbing the corporate ladder of success; working 60+ hours a week with a 3 hour round trip commute to our suburban home.

We were practicing Christians living a "Christian" lifestyle, but were we free? Was I free? Looking back, I would say no. I was in deep bondage to what I thought others expected of me and of the expectations I had on myself. They weren't real expectations, but they felt real to me and I lived my life accordingly.
Where does a person go from here to find true freedom?

Not long after this, my life took a dark turn that led to a lifestyle filled with sin and addictions. The "selfless" people-pleasing life I had been living built up so much resentment that I exploded into a monster that no one who had known me would’ve ever recognized. I was lost in my own pain with nowhere to turn.
I was searching... but what for?

Freedom.
Freedom for me began to mean I could do whatever I wanted to do, no matter how it affected people around me…
Freedom to be myself on my terms…
Freedom to be who I wanted to be no matter what anyone said or thought…
It was all about my freedom.

It’s a very narcissistic mindset, but one in which many live today.
In reality, my "freedom" brought with it the bondage of sexual addiction, drug and alcohol abuse, that lead to parties, orgies, affairs, wasted life and money. That “freedom” ultimately destroyed my life, my reputation, my family and nearly my marriage.

Where was this true freedom I so desperately desired?

Ironically, I ended up spending a month in jail, on a domestic assault charge, and found my way to the True Freedom.

Jesus Christ says, "You are truly my disciples if you keep obeying my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free... I assure you everyone who sins is a slave of sin...if the Son sets you free, you will indeed be free." - John 8:32, 36 NLT

The note in The Life Recovery Bible to this verse states:

To be "set free" is to know the truth-- the truth about our self and about Jesus our liberator. The truth is this: We are a slave to sin and powerless to manage our life effectively. With God's truth as a standard for our moral inventory, we can recognize and confess our needs and struggles, our sins and addiction. As we confess these to God, to our self, and to at least one other person, we share the truth about our life. When we turn our broken life over to God, who alone can make us whole, we are again acknowledging the truth. These different applications of the truth can combine to set us free from sinful habits, chemical dependencies, and emotional bondage.

It is my prayer that in reading this column you can find your way to true freedom in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. God Bless You.

Question: Are you walking in true Freedom today? If not, what bondage is holding you captive?

Reach out to someone you can trust today and find the help you need. Don’t stay in your pain alone.

You’re too busy? Too bad!

Andrew M — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 03:41:46 -0700

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for this blog. Why? Because I’ve been busy of course. You know busy right? Apparently, we’re all busy today, super-busy in fact so busy we can’t get everything or maybe anything done.

I’m in my third year at University getting my Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies taking courses in Hermeneutics, Theology, Old Testament; plus, I’ve getting ready for my wedding in August – so, ya, I think I’m legitimately busy. But, I waste a lot of time too. What do I do in that lost time? Who knows? Let’s face it, most of us don’t really know what we do all day but if we’re honest, we know we waste a lot of time doing unimportant things. Thankfully, due to the accountability software I no longer fill my time with useless porn viewing. The desires are still there though, I still feel the urges and I struggle with masturbation.

Cutting off one source of sexual imagery doesn’t make the urges disappear. If you still have the inner wounds that make you desire such things the pressure will build until you provide it an outlet: appropriate or not. It could be a music video, a lingerie ad, or the attractive secretary in your office, but your brain will find the necessary stimulus to fulfill it’s need.

With busyness of course often comes stress and fatigue, two of the prime triggers that lead you to give into your sinful desires. Pay attention to your schedule and your body. Do you feel tired? Do you feel under a lot of stress? These are indications that its time engage your emergency plan.

Emergency plan? Yes, you need one if you don’t have one. An emergency plan is a well thought out plan of what you will do when you recognize that you are in danger. Perhaps it’s a person you can call to talk to or pray with on virtually a moments notice. Maybe its just the recognition that you need to leave your current physical location and go where there are people.

No plan can really meet every possible scenario but you need to make a concerted effort to try. So, grab a yellow pad and think about where you are when you cross the line into sin and figure out what you can do, in practical ways, to flee, to runaway, to evade the attack.

Taking Out the Trash

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:51:43 -0800

Marsha from Porn to Purity has been through the ups and downs of this addiction as a wife. She is right to the point and very open about what she has been through. We hope that you can get something really good from this blog. Brian Darcy

When I was pregnant with both my boys, my already acute since of smell was magnified by 1000. I could pick up the scent of something not quite right as soon as I walked in our house or woke up in the morning. Sometimes it would take me up to an hour to narrow down the smell to the right room and then to the exact source.

I remember one time it was a cleaning rag under the sink, and another time it was something from the freezer that Jeff insisted had absolutely no odor at all. No matter what it was, I was on a mission to find it and get it out of the house. When I finally got my fingers on the offending item, I had to smell it to make sure that was indeed what was causing my stomach to turn. It wasn’t pretty and more than once I threw up after taking that confirmation whiff. But it was always worth it, because I finally found the culprit and quickly removed it from the house. (Actually, I made Jeff take it out.)

I’ve said many times that marriage counseling has been for me a lot like sorting through a huge, disgusting trash can. At first, Jeff and I were so busy with life that we couldn’t even tell something was wrong with our marriage. Then, there were some red flags, followed by a subtle stench. As we followed the scent looking for its source, we began to understand that our marriage was much sicker than we had realized. Under all that busyness, there was junk and rot eating away at the commitment we had made to God and to each other. The further down we got, the worse it looked.

We are so thankful for our Christian counselors, who got in the dumpster with us, to help us track down the root causes of our problems. It wasn’t pretty uncovering all the trash that we had cleverly been hiding from each other (and ourselves) and at times it was slow and grueling work. Not only that, but finding the source was just half the battle (although a really important half). This past year we have been working on replacing the unhealthy patterns in our lives and in our marriage with God’s truth and God’s pattern for marriage. I have to say, the transformation has been pretty amazing. You’ve heard of Extreme Home Makeover….I think the Lord desires for us to experience Extreme Marriage Makeovers. But you have to be willing to knock down walls and get dirty first.

Is Ther Hope For My Marriage?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:20:25 -0800

Here is a blog from one of our friends at porntopurity.com Jeff and Marsha are another couple who have been down the path of recovery. They now share their lives with others to let others know thay are not alone in this battle.

The most frequent question I am asked by wives is “Is there hope for my marriage?” My answer is always “yes” regardless of what their particular situation might be.

I believe that the Lord has the ability and desire to rescue every man mired in sexual immorality, no matter how long he has struggled or how deeply entrenched he has become. Mercifully, nobody is outside the grasp of God’s strong and loving hand.

This is sometimes difficult for wives to believe, especially those who have seen their husband experience temporary periods of sobriety, only to later find him confessing the same sin over and over again. They wonder, understandably so, why this time will be any different than all the others.

CAN I EVER TRUST MY HUSBAND AGAIN?
That was my attitude for a long time. How could I ever trust Jeff to change, when he kept getting my hopes up only to let me down again? The change in my perspective came when I started putting my hope in the power of Christ, not my husband’s ability to stop viewing pornography.

Hear me clearly – I’m not saying that God took away my husband’s addiction because I started putting my hope in Jesus. If only it were that easy. What I am saying is that I quit questioning God’s ability to grow my husband away from this addiction as he grew closer to Christ.

I stopped saying, “there is no hope” and started reminding myself of Ephesians 3:20 which offers praise and glory to Christ “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

JESUS, LORD OF OUR HURTS
If Christ were not in the business of forgiveness and restoration, than there would be no hope for our marriages. But because the Lord doesn’t give up on our husbands (or us) there is hope that our marriage can be redeemed to what the Lord intended in the first place. The New Testament is a testament of lives changed by the power of Christ…the sick are healed, sinners are redeemed and God is glorified in the process. Zacchaeus, the Prodigal Son, the woman caught in adultery, and the apostle Paul are just a few examples.

THE UNREPENTANT HUSBAND
What about the wife whose husband is unrepentant? Is their hope for her marriage? I think there is hope even then, but it need not be blind. A wife shouldn’t sit back and accept lies or look the other way when sinful behaviors are exposed. There are times when a wife must draw a line and be prepared to follow through with the consequences if that line is crossed. That doesn’t mean she lacks faith or she has given up on the Lord. Rather, it means she is taking her fight for her marriage to the next level.

We must keep in mind that God designed marriage and has a holy purpose for it. I frequently tell women that their husband’s painful revelation could actually be the first step towards enjoying what God intended their marriage to be all along. That has certainly been the case for my marriage. I thank God that Jeff’s pornography addiction was brought into the light. Had it not, I’m certain we would have never focused this intensely on discovering God’s design for healthy intimacy.

HOPE PAVES THE WAY TO WORK ON IT TOGETHER
When wives have hope, they are willing to do the hard work that marriage recovery takes. Even when their husband’s are struggling, they can endure the setbacks and continue the journey. As followers of Christ, we must come alongside these women and encourage them and remind them of God’s truth and God’s power. Galatians 6:2 advises us to “carry one another’s burdens”. 1 Thessalonians 4:8 says “comfort one another”.

We truly become the body of Christ when we begin to minister hope and encouragement to the hurting people around us. There is no shortage of hurting people today.

How will you respond?

Consequence

Benjamin — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:32:51 -0800

One of the hardest parts of sexual sin is dealing with the consequences. They often come in the form of shame, regret, self-hatred, embarrassment, disgust, and hopelessness. They aren’t always internal feelings either, they can be about the way your sin affects others - hurt loved ones, divorce, loss of a job, loss of trust or loss of respect from others. Why then do we still continue to fall into temptation when we know how bad the end result will be?

I once read an author talk about the time he had to tell his wife that he had been unfaithful. His addiction to pornography had led him all the way to hiring prostitutes, something he had already confessed to others and started working through with a program. She had known about the pornography use, but one night she asked him point blank if he had ever had sex with anyone else since they had been married. He told her the truth and had to give the details of these accounts in response to her pain-filled questions. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for him to stand there and lay out the ugly truths of his sin to his wife (and how much harder it would have been for her to hear them). Why don’t we consider the consequences before we act? I doubt this husband ran through the future conversation with his wife before he hired the prostitutes. As he went about his sin I doubt he tried to picture her face as she reacted to his disgusting details of what he was doing.

One of the problems with porn addiction is it causes a person to be very myopic or shortsighted. Temptation hits, and we become self-centered to the extreme. We care about nothing other than those feelings we will experience in a few moments. I can remember times when the feelings of temptation became so intense that I wanted nothing other than to give in… so I did. After giving in, the feelings of shame and regret come almost instantly, and I find myself lying on my bed hating my life. Temptation, self-gratification, a moment of release, guilt and self-hatred - all within minutes. I’m certainly not lying there before hand thinking “things are going pretty well for me right now, I wonder if I how quickly I can derail myself. I would sure love to feel some disgust and hopelessness”. No, instead I am thinking about how great it will be to look at pornography.

One of the tricks I’ve discovered is to get myself to actually consider and feel the consequences BEFORE I act, rather than after. Not many people like the feelings of having to confess sin or and dealing with the many repercussions of it. What if in the time of temptation, you imagined what it would be like to have the conversation with your wife where you tell her what you did? What if she wanted to know all of the details - what you looked at and what you thought about when you did it? What if you thought about telling your kids? What if you thought about your boss catching you using your work computer? What if your parents walked in on you?

If you’re like me, than your lowest moments come right after you have acted out. There is never a moment you feel worse about yourself than in that moment. What if you wrote yourself a letter after stumbling? Write to the “tempted you” explaining your feelings, and talking about the consequences from giving into temptation. If you confess your sin to an accountability partner, or a wife or parent, write another letter after you’ve exposed yourself to them. Explain each consequence to the future you who will struggle once again with temptation. Convince them to consider the consequences.

If you are married, what if you had your wife write a letter about how she feels about your pornography use - how it affects her life, and how it makes her feel about herself.

Then put these letters in a place where you can easily access them when you are tempted. Write them out as emails and send them to yourself so that they are accessible from any computer.

When you are starting to feel even a little bit tempted, pull out the letters and read them. Do it early in your temptation before you get to the point where you don’t care about anything except the rush of pornography flooding your mind. Try to feel the consequences of what you are about to do. Remember how you felt the last time and how others felt you confessed.

Most of us know the story of King David committing adultery with Bathsheba. King David sent his people off to war (where he should have been), saw a beautiful woman bathing (Bathsheba), sent for her, slept with her and she bore a child. David then tried to cover it up, and when he wasn’t able to do that, he had Bathsheba’s husband killed. All in all not the highest point of morality in David’s life.

When he saw her bathing on her roof, David sent for her and they ended up sleeping together. While I don’t imagine his first intentions were to commit adultery when he went on to the roof, one temptation led to another, and soon he found himself in terrible situation.

We later see David responding to this sin by crying out to God saying
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion block out my transgressions. Wash all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Psalm 51:1,2

When David called for her, he wasn’t thinking of the consequences of what he was doing. He wasn’t thinking about how Bathsheba was a married woman or that she could get pregnant and that he would go to great lengths to try to cover up his mistake. He wasn’t thinking about that what he was about to do would later cause him to cry out to God begging him to “save him from blood guilt” (psalm 51:14)

James 1:15 says that “after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

Here we clearly see the progression of sin, and the initial desire will always lead to death if we do not stop. Death will always be the consequence. It may not always mean a literal death, but it may lead to the death of your spiritual life, the death of your ministry, the death of your marriage, etc... These are consequences we need to be focusing on BEFORE we ever take that step into sin.

The bible is clear. There are consequences, and in the end they will always cost us so much more than we will ever gain through sin.

Why Porn Blinds

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:21:42 -0800

Over time porn took the place of so many things in my life. I had become blind to all the things around me because I had started to believe the lies it was telling me.

Lies like:
"What's a little porn going to do to you? Not like it could hurt any one."
Yep; I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker. The fact of the matter was that it was hurting someone; my wife. It was hurting my wife Darcy because I had replaced our sexual life with that of the porn world. I had replaced her with the women I saw on the screen and in the magazines. She was no longer the women I had married. She had become a sex toy for me. And if I didn't get what I wanted I destroyed her emotionally or made her feel so bad about it that she would just give in.

"It's not like a little porn will kill ya."
I didn't realize this whopper of a lie until I noticed how much a little had become. Over time a little needed to become more and more for me to get what I needed. this translated into me "working overtime" so I could watch more porn and get my fix. When this lie really sank in though was when I realized how much time it was taking away from my two children. I was not going to events that I should have been as a father. I wasn't reading those bed time stories to my daughter at night and tucking her in. I missed a lot of my children during those years. Porn didn't physically kill me but, it was killing my children emotionally.

There was so many things that were sufering in my life because I was blind to all the lies porn told me. I screwed up my marriage, hurt my children, my job was suffering, and my relationship with Christ was falling a part as well.

"God will not love you after what you have looked at.'
I would often think about how I had hurt my Father and how far I had run from Him over time. How could I do this to Him and how could He take me back after what I had done. Porn kept telling me that He would never forgive me and that He would not accept me after what I had done. this was the biggest and dumbest lie I could have ever believed. But I did and so do may of others who battle this addiction every day.

After time and healing I began to realize all of the lise that porn had told me. After some time the images in my head have begun to clear from my head. After time I have realized that God loves me no matter who I am, what I did, or what I may do tomorrow. I know he forgives me of my past.

I am still amazed that my wife was able to forgive me as well. She showed me right in front of my own eyes what it was like to live like Jesus at that moment. Yes; she was mad at me for doing what I did. There was a lot of healing that needed to take place and a ton of work that needed to get done to restore our marriage. but she forgave me, told me she loved me, and that we would get through this. She says it best when asked how she did it. "I was so angry at Brian for what he did to me and our family. But I stood up there on our wedding day and said for better or for worse. I was going to fight for my marriage because I knew the man I had fallen in love with was still in there some were."

Do not let this become a part of you. Do not let others fall into this pit. Fight for your marriage, get help, talk, confess, and be free from the trap of pornography.

Someone Who Understands

Chris Kozacek — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:20:56 -0800

My wife and I have a 19-month-old boy.

He is just starting the throwing tantrums and taking swings at people stage, and gets really frustrated when he doesn’t get what he wants. Man it sucks when he throws a tantrum or takes a swing at you. And it’s even more embarrassing when it happens in public. We love him so much, but it’s still a bummer part of this stage.

So we got to talking with another Mom of a toddler in our church. And she started talking about how her daughter was doing some of the very same things our boy was doing.

And there it was…

Someone who understands.

Someone who knows what you are going through.

And that’s what we need… at least someone who has been in your shoes. Someone who has felt and experienced what you have thought, felt and been through.

And it got me thinking about all of this too…

But not just for those of us who struggle with porn and sexual vices. No, there are also those who are affected because of us – who don’t feel like anyone understands. I’ve been grateful for a few of the wives/girlfriends who have been honest enough with us to say, “I don’t feel like anyone understands what I am going through, and what we are going through together. I feel like all of my friends have husbands/boyfriends who don’t struggle. Or at least they don’t talk about it.”

You want to know that someone understands.

That someone has been there… or is there.

You want to know there is hope. There is light amidst the dark.

That you are not the only one who has ever experienced this…

… that you are not alone.

We’re out there. Find someone who can walk with you. Find people, who are or have been there. I promise others are out there. There are others like us. Not everyone hides their stuff. And if they don’t have stuff in this area, I bet they can at least understand what it’s like to struggle with something – if not point you in the direction of someone who does understand. And if they don’t understand or don’t struggle with anything… um, sure!
Glad to be part of a community here that understands…

… it’s nice to not be alone.

Don’t struggle in silence. I don’t believe God ever intended us to struggle in silence and isolation.

We’re here…

HE is here.

Be A Good Listner

Brian and Darcy — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 08:30:43 -0800

Feeling like you are not heard, or misunderstood, is one of the fastest paths to loneliness. When we don’t believe that another person really knows or understands our heart, we can get lost in a crowd, feel all alone. Many men who struggle sexually will know exactly what I am talking about; this may be his daily experience. Tragically, it is also likely that he may feel alone and misunderstood in his marriage.

As a man in recovery learns how to communicate his heart to his wife, it is extremely important that you first listen to hers. This will begin to strengthen the connection between you and hopefully soften each other’s hearts to each other. To go bounding in, expecting her to just listen to you, while you have not listened to her, may become a set-up to recreate the wound that makes you feel so alone and insignificant - possibly leading to relapse.

This is not an article about communication tools or how to communicate (read those too). My primary focus is to encourage you to understand and connect with your wife’s heart and not just what she intends to communicate; her heart is deeper than that. That is not to say that verbal communication in and of itself cannot be intimate, but you can frequently connect at the heart without needing the rules of healthy communication, or even a word. Likely there are times that your wife will repeat herself. This is both an opportunity and a signal. If your wife is repeating herself, most likely she is signaling that she is not feeling "heard" or connected to you. This can be an opportunity once you recognize the signal, because now you know you have probably missed it. You can clarify her intended message, but the heart needs to be "held." You may do this simply by holding her. An empathetic word or touch can go a long way. Of course there may be times when a hug is not appropriate. If she doesn’t want you to touch her, maybe she is angry with you, make extra efforts to empathize with her by listening respectfully. The expression on your face may say to her if you care or are just trying to appease her. Another way to "hear" your wife’s heart is to watch for it. When you first started dating your wife, you may have made an effort to notice things she likes and dislikes. Do this again but in deeper ways. Get to know more fully what makes her happy, sad, what her dreams are, etc. When you know these things, never stop looking for them and use them to exhort and encourage her.

When she is upset after a phone call from her parents: "I know how devastating it is for you when your dad disregards your feelings. Do you want to talk about it?"

When she is screaming at you: "If I hadn’t selfishly had my mind solely focused on work all night, I would have remembered how disrespected you feel when I forget to take out the trash."

When she won’t say a word to you: "I know when you won’t talk to me, you are usually hurt. I would love to talk about it when you are ready."

Don’t wait for the difficult moments to engage her. Engage her in the easy ones. It may seem too simple to start dating her again, but it isn’t. First, it will be difficult to be consistent, you won’t always feel like it or fall into old patterns. Second, it may not be complex, but it got you a wife the first time. Just like you hopefully do with your kids, look for connecting moments to share. Just as Mary Magdalene poured her precious perfumes over Jesus’ feet, treat her extravagantly. Extravagance is not about money, although some scrooges will have to loosen up a bit, it is about time, affection, and serving. As you get moving, she will be on your mind more, and it will be easier and more rewarding to continue. You will remember what you once knew about her and learn what you never did.

Healthy communication tools are an essential element to hearing her heart, but this is the long (also essential) way around. When you rebuild the connection between your hearts, it may take time for her to be able to trust it. Be patient and gracious with her, you haven’t earned her trust yet. Many men will come to realize they never "heard" their wife before. Take heart; things may be rough in your marriage right now, but to know and connect intimately with your wife in deeper ways than you have ever known will change things - the best years may yet be ahead of you.

This blog is from our friend Bob Parkins at Ever Mans Battle.

Slip or Relapse?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:08:32 -0800

There is a difference between a “relapse” and a “slip”.

“relapse” – when you are back to living the lifestyle of the addiction

“slip” – when you act out but return to recovery relatively quickly

A slip may be one time or a “binge” for a number of days, but it results in a return to recovery and openness about the slip. In a relapse, the addict has returned to the addictive lifestyle and is not actively in recovery. Even if they are still meeting with their accountability partners, going to group, in counseling, they are not open with the level of acting out nor are they doing much to prevent it. In essence, they have ceased to “struggle” with it and have, in large part, given themselves up to the addiction.

Typically in a relapse, the addict is back, or close to, the level of acting out that they were at prior to beginning recovery. In some cases it is even more because they feel like they have to make up for “lost time”. A relapse can last for several days or several months, it really is not defined by time as much as by the lack of recovery activities the addict is engaged in and to what level of transparency.

Most addicts who relapse do so with the intent of returning to recovery at some point, but that point continues to get further away from them. Usually, they are thrilled to be getting away with acting out without getting caught. All of their accountability friends, and even their spouse believe the addict is in recovery and hasn’t relapsed. This adds to the sense of freedom to act out at will with no thought to repercussions, even if those had been pretty severe in the past. It is like the teenager who has been caught a number of times taking Dad’s car for a joy ride and now finds out the odometer is broken and thinks he won’t be found out.

The Relapse Gets Worse
A relapse starts out as a slip, but progresses quickly into a full-blown lifestyle. A replase transitions from simply looking or downloading pictures/videos to purchasing some videos or an external drive to store downloaded videos on. The intent for the addict is that they will be more permanent. In the case of those who frequent prostitutes, they may re-connect with a former “provider” and setup something regular with them.

The addict in relapse is trying to facilitate easy access to acting out and developing a sense of “normalcy” around it to help keep others from knowing about it. The “rituals” are firmly reestablished and the sense of invulnerability returns with even greater power since they know everyone “trusts” them now and the addict believes that the “mistakes” he made the last time won’t trip him up again and he is safe from being discovered. Of course all of this is a delusion and when he is caught that at last becomes apparent to the addict.

A Key to Relapse Prevention: Nearly all addicts slip from time to time but most do not relapse if they are in a good recovery program and have setup safeguards and accountability in their life.

This blog is from our friends Jeff and Marsha who help and encourage other men and couples at Porn to Purity.

Mess of Me

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:05:55 -0800

I heard this song from Switchfoot for the first time the other day. I am not able to write the most amazing words and often struggle when it comes to these blogs. But Switchfoot nailed how I felt inside and the battle that took place so often with me, God, and porn. I know I look back at this now and realize I should have stood up and not allowed for it to go on any further. Confess, get accountability, and be honest with you, your wife, and God.

"Mess of Me"

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna the get back rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free to the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO! Right

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drug to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
I´m breaking up
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!!

You Know I love You!!

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:37:48 -0800

Not to long ago Darcy and I had a chance to take a trip to California without the kids. This gave us some time to talk and reflect a bit about what we had been through and how things are going now. One topic that we talked about was a question people have asked more lately.

The questions was "Did you love Darcy when you were addicted to pornography"? While we were talking about this question like a typical man I chimed in and said "Of course I loved you the whole time, even during my struggles with porn". Then Darcy set me straight (yes like she usually does; hey I am a man what do you expect?) She turned toward me and gave me a smirk and said "Who do you think you're kidding with that comment"? I can honestly say that I did not feel as though you loved me during that period of time." I tried and stand my ground and defend my case but, as I thought about it some more I didn't love her the way I should have.

Over time porn had become my true love and I would do anything for it. I'd lie to my wife, cheat on my wife, and steal from my wife. When I'd lie to my wife I'd tell her that I was at working on overtime when I was looking at porn. I cheated on my wife by lusting for other women and pretending to be with them when Darcy and I would have sex. I stole her soul, her respect, and the love she so deserved to get.

Looking back I now know that porn was doing the same thing to me it was lying to me, cheating me, and stealing from me. Porn lied to me by telling me that looking at this stuff is OK. It's just you and the computer; you're not hurting anyone else. Porn cheated me out of a life that God so desired for me to live and a family that was being so neglected. It was stealing my soul, spirit, and the love that I needed to be showing others; especially my wife.

It starts out slow and then it grows into a monster. I loved Darcy with all my heart and I would do anything for her when we were dating and a short time into our marriage. But as I would get more and more involved with pornography I slowly started to show more love to it and not to Darcy.

The thing is even though I did not show her love during this time she fought for it; our love, our marriage, our friendship. People ask Darcy all the time "why did you stay with him; why?" Her comment time after time is "I made a promise before God that for better or for worse I would be there. So many couples take the low road and just give up and do not fight for their marriage. No one ever told us that marriage was an easy trip and I feel that any honest couple will tell you that at times marriage can seem like hell. We all have problems, we all have a struggle, and we all fail at times and this is what will make your marriage stronger; by working through it."

If you are a wife and are battling this right now I know you may be saying to yourself that there is now way. Darcy and I are here to tell you that YES; there is hope in this and you can fight for your marriage and win. I can now say that my wife knows she is loved and feels it.

Use What He Provides

Brian and Darcy — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:23:40 -0800

“Father we pray that this sin would no longer exist and that you would remove it from our lives. We ask that the temptations and thoughts disappear and that our marriage be restored the way it should be. We pray this in you your sons name; Amen"

As a couple healing from the scars of sexual addiction we have prayed many times for God to remove this sin that was affecting our lives. I mean we have all been told that pray believing in your pray and that it is for the right reasons and it will happen? Well there is one thing they forgot to tell you, that is he is not going to do it all for you. That’s right you need to apply yourself as well, especially when you are recovering from an addiction.

God will give you the tools needed to fight this addiction. The tools can range from all sorts of things from counselors, pastors, friends, studies, groups and so much more. However, if we do not use the tools that God has laid in front of us we will not be able to cut this sin at the knees.

A painter: needs paint, brushes, and some type of canvas, but if the painter never uses the tools that God gave them; nothing!

A carpenter: needs hammers, screw drivers, scales, and wood but, if the carpenter never uses the tools that God gave them; nothing!

A pastor; needs the Word, wisdom, and compassion but, if the pastor never uses the tools that God gave them; nothing!

What I am trying to say is that prayer is a huge part in getting over this addiction or temptation to look at porn you must bring God into this battle. However he will not just take it away or make it go away. He will place things in front of you to use to walk away from your desires of lust.

Do not get me wrong, He is a very powerful God and can do anything he wants. I feel that in this situation this is how he answers our prayers. He will give you strength, wisdom, and power over temptation. We just don’t know how it will come to us.

“Father we pray that you will provide the tools necessary for us to beat this thing and be able to walk with our heads held high. Please give us the eyes to see these things that you provide for us and the ears to hear what we need to remove this from our lives. It is in your Sons name that we pray this; Amen"

What Do You Want?

Brian and Darcy — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 10:36:30 -0800

So here we are; this week on December 2nd it will be 4 years of sobriety for me. Darcy and I are very excited about this milestone in our healing. We look back and see good times, bad times, and some very uncomfortable times as well.

One of the things that we often look back at is this blog for the site. So many times we have sat at the screen wonder "what do we write now"? "What else can we write about"? When you write about the same thing over and over again it you can get writers block often.

So what we would like to know from you is what do you want us to write about. There is no subject to taboo to talk about or discuss. We want to be as open and available to everyone here.

Just place a comment below and we will start to compile a list of things to blog about here on the site.

If you feel it is to tough to place soething here you are always free to contact Darcy and I at briananddarcy@xxxchurch.com