As you search scripture, we are told to stay away from all things sexually immoral. The apostle Paul even says to flee from it. Though often, we are confronted with the sexually immoral, and there are times when we don't flee. I guess that's where the confession comes in. In the confession, the son describes how he found out about his father's addiction to pornography, how it developed into something more, how his family will be affected and even how the church members will be. 

Four years took place from "original sin" in this matter and son did nothing. It's a scary thing for a child to be confronted with. A hero to him is taking a long and hard fall, and he is the only one who knows. Tough stuff, do doubt.

So what to do? Matthew 18 has a passage in it that details what to do. This is especially difficult to handle, especially since the sinner caught in sin is the father. Again, rough stuff. Still though- it needs to be addressed, immediately. You see, lives are being affected negatively already. The dad is falling further and further from grace, the wife is living a married lie; the church is being brought along with him. To say that no one knows but the son is covering up the fact that the father is unaware of his charge to care for his family and faith; church. Lead the kids the way they should go, right? How about caring for the little ones? The sins of the father will be judged more harshly that one who is not in care of others. 

But perhaps the sin is not the main issue here, at least not to me. It's about giving an opportunity for restoration- to faith, family; Jesus. No way are these relationships healthy. No way they're going to be, without first confronting them head on.

I commented on the confession blog about what I think should happen. But no way is this problem isolated to that specific confession. It's huge, really. Marriages are living lies every where we turn. Pastors are still pulling the wool over their parishioners eyes every day. The problem remains and we must be the guiding force behind helping others make the next right decision.

I am sure people will defend this site explaining that it is simply fun and that it is not intended for sexual explicit material or gratification, but we all know that is not true. The reality is that this site is filled with boys, men, pastors, and male senior citizens who are looking for some sexual pleasure. My tech guy told me in the 5 minutes he was looking at the site his webcam landed on a middle age man masturbating. The next web cam participant that ended up on his screen was a young child. This is absurd.

Here's the point. Many pastor's are talking a lot about fighting the battle against lust and pornography and yet are indulging themselves. With so many tempting avenues to choose, men with solid families and visible relationships with God are advocating purity on one hand and abusing pornography with another (literally). This should not and cannot be. James 3:10 in reference to the hypocrisy of our tongues says,

"And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"

When we advocate purity from the pulpit and practice immorality in secret we are blessing and cursing God with the same heart. Make a stand, be an honest advocate, live a lifestyle of genuine authenticity, get support, love Jesus, and conquer the battle.

What is great about God is that he is always ready to deal with my sin. He is ready to tear down the wall that I have built between the two of us. If I admit that I have put myself first and that I have built the wall, he is there destroying the wall that I have built. He takes my sin and our sin away brick by brick.

God never builds a wall between us and him. He desires to have a relationship with us with nothing standing in the way. The challenge is to not put my will before God’s will in my life. The challenge for me and for us is not to build the wall.

Justin H.

Observation #1 - These leaders will be forever remembered for their sex life decisions before they will be remembered for the positive changes brought about by their leadership and abilities.

Observation #2 - The pain these leaders experienced and caused to others is greater the the fun that they had while they were screwing around.

Observation #3 - Everyone wrestles with something, even high capacity leaders. Everyone has a personal demon to slay daily or temptation to overcome. Too often we place leaders on pedestals. And too often we as leaders place ourselves there.

Observation #4 - Position, power, money and influence will naturally lead towards entitlement. It is only through reliance upon God, personal discipline, humility AND allowance for authentic accountability that a leader will avoid great these great falls.

Bonus Observation: If you ever find that you have made a bad decision in this arena, follow the "come fully clean the first time" strategy.

For the record I am a big fan & advocate of forgiveness for those who are truly seek it because of course I am VERY fallible myself.

A group of guys and I meet via the phone every Thursday morning at 5:30 am to talk about the week and hold each other accountable to our stated goals. This has made a huge impact in my personal life because each and everyday those 5 goals are pasted before me. I have committed with these guys to do these 5 things each and every day. Every day this is on my mind and because of that I have been more consistent and successful at these issues.

Today is your day to pursue Jesus and experience His grace. What is on your daily short list? Are all your goals for the year so big that they don't consume your daily life?

Set some goals and make some commitments today that will become the focus of your daily life.

I was at a friends house for dinner the other night and his wife was giving us a tour of their house. We walked into their bathroom and pasted on her husband's mirror was a list of 5 daily commitments he was making. I asked her about the short list and she said this. "Ever since we have been married he has had that list on the mirror. And everyday I can see those 5 commitments in his life."

I don't know about the rest of you, but as a Pastor it is extremely important for me that my wife, who truly knows me (the good, bad, and ugly), can see in my life the words that I speak to others.

Let this be a year where your commitments to character are clearly identified and seen daily in your life.

This is your year!

Hebrews 12:1-3, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up."

One of the greatest dangers we face as Christians trying to kick porn is mistaking willingness for action. To put it another way, we mistake understanding what must be done for actually having done what must be done... Or again, we confuse “I’ll go, Lord” with actually going. Now, before you start madly posting Bible verses in rebuttal, hear me out.

I’m not saying a desire to change doesn’t matter; I’m not even saying taking action is more important than an initial desire to change. Both must be present. Isn’t the first step “We admitted we were powerless over our sexually addictive behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable”? But, as Christians, we can easily make something out of prayer that God did not intend, where we pray with crumb-coated lips “Lord, help me lose weight” in between bites of a Twinkie with our La-Z-Boy in full recline.

Careful now. Don’t go running off and start pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. The immortal, grumpy, deist’s life verse coined by Ben Franklin is not in the Bible as some people erroneously believe. God does not help those who help themselves. He resists the proud and gives grace to the humble.

But... Nothing changes if nothing changes. How badly do you really want to get better? Badly enough to do something inconvenient? Badly enough to do something really inconvenient on a regular basis? How badly do you really want to get better? C.S. Lewis wrote “A famous Christian long ago told us that when he was a young man he prayed constantly for chastity; but years later he realized that while his lips had been saying, ‘Oh Lord, make me chaste,’ his heart had been secretly adding, ‘But please don’t do it just yet."

What would taking action look like in your life? I’ll give you a couple of real-life examples in my next post. Blessings.

Biblically I don't believe it is grounds for divorce, and therefore to pursue a divorce based on the fact that a spouse had an online "affair" would be inappropriate (unbiblical). Having said that, I would reiterate that it is still a sin to act out with porn, and carry on a virtual affair. Is it possible this online affair could lead to an actual physical encounter? Yes for sure! It is also possible that even the virtual, affair if carried on can lead to abuse, severe neglect, and emotional, even physical abandonment which I believe would be grounds for divorce.

I know this is somewhat controversial but here's a comment from my book, Breaking the Silence where I give further explanation about this issue:

"While the devastation from an online addiction and a physical affair may be equally damaging, that doesn't mean that looking at porn or having a cyber-affair is biblical grounds for divorce. In Matthew 5:28 Jesus provided a clear distinction between adultery of the heart (internal) and a physical affair (literal) when He said: "If anyone looks at a woman lustfully he has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Clearly both are sinful activities, but the consequences are different, and how we deal with the sin should be different. It would be the same as suggesting that 1 John 3:15 is implying that the person who hates his brother is just as guilty of murder as the person who actually physically committed that act of violence. Do we impose a prison sentence on a person for having internal hatred toward someone? We have to conclude, then, that pornography, while a serious and damaging sin, does not constitute physical adultery and therefore does not provide biblical grounds for divorce. I would add, however, that over time a man or woman's refusal to deal with the sin problem might require a separation for the sake of children and the purpose of working toward reconciliation. Ultimately, if there is no change, then the relationship could end in divorce." (Breaking the Silence, page 103, 104)

Doing more puts a man in control. Being more puts God in control.
Doing more is a safe style for men. Being more is risky.
Doing more implies there’s an end to it. Being more is a process – fluid and unpredictable.
Doing more lets a man pick the changes he needs to make. Being more allows God to reveal the changes a man needs to make.
Doing more requires trying harder. Being more relies on training humbly.
Doing more engenders spiritual pride. Being more produces humility through surrender.
Doing more is about correcting behavior patterns. Being more is about connecting with God’s character.
Doing more attaches to the public persona. Being more reaches the private self – the man God wants to reach.

The men’s movement of the last fifteen years has been challenging men to love more, say more, pray more, read the Bible more, discipline themselves more, love their wives more, and serve their kids more. Men have wanted all those things, but the majority of them are failing over the long haul. The men’s movement has asked men to do what their hearts and characters cannot deliver.

So here’s the bottom line. Author Dallas Willard got it right: What’s needed is a renovation of the heart before a renovation of lifestyle.

I trust you will hang in there with me as we talk in the next few months about how it is we can BE God’s man and how it is that we “bog down spiritually” when our offense should be in full attack mode for Him.

Kenny Luck - Saddleback Church

Pornography, perhaps more than any other issue of today’s culture, has the greatest chance of bringing down the morals and values of this generation. Studies tell us that the greatest new users of pornography are 12- to 17-year-old boys. The girls, however, are catching up. All the while, the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry is reaching into the souls of this generation and wreaking havoc. It powerful enough to snatch any kid in any house today.

A 13-year-old boy at our church was looking for a new baseball glove online. A large sporting-good chain in our area is called Chicks Sporting Goods. We all call it “Chicks” for short. He innocently typed the word “chicks” into a search engine, thinking he was going to find the store’s new baseball glove collection. What he found was pornography sites, and plenty of them. His first exposure to porn took him on a journey that caused him to daily, sometimes for hours at a time, look at awful porn. This was a good kid, from a strong family, with high morals, and he just got caught in the maze of porn addiction. When the family found out (they began to suspect something when he was on the computer in the middle of the night and his grades were dropping), they did the right thing and got their son help. However, that young boy will have thousands of vivid images stored in his brain and subconscious.

One of the many problems of viewing pornography is that your mind takes a picture of the image. And sadly, millions of young people today have very inappropriate images stored in their minds. Pornography is extremely addicting, and for many it can escalate. Here are the stages of pornography addiction progression:

1. Viewing pornography

2. Addiction

3. Escalation

4. Desensitization

5. Action out sexually

In today’s world, kids cannot help but see very unhealthy sexual images. As youth workers, you can help kids see the negative consequences of viewing pornography.

Information on the effects of porn is very prevalent today. I don’t need to add much more on the subject, especially when you can find great resources if you are looking for this kind of information. Needless to say, pornography is fantasy. Fantasy and pornography are closely related links to sexual addiction. Pornography is a tool for going beyond reality, and once used, it is difficult to live without. Sadly, sexual addiction among young people is growing and for many, it becomes a strong obsessive compulsion similar to the intensity of alcohol, drug, and gambling addictions. Sexual addiction breaks families apart, causes people to view the opposite sex as objects, and tears at the very moral fiber of really good people. That’s why as youth workers, we must sound the alarm with our kids about pornography, clearly communicating to them about its dangers.

- Jim Burns, original article

Shoot some thoughts up on here, bringing on your own life experiences and the conversations that are ongoing in your ministry. 

Matthew 6:12-15, Matthew 18:15-35, 2 Corinthians 2:10, Colossians 3:13, 1 John 1:9.

My story of seeking out forgiveness from others has been met by some good and some bad times. Those that I directly hurt with my actions involving sex/pornography, most have extended their forgiveness to me. Those that I indirectly hurt or affected by my actions have actually been a little tougher. Some have ignored me, or refused to talk to me. And you know what, I actually understand – it’s hard to forgive and let go. A lot of time feels like you are saying what happened is ok. I understand them being upset with me.  

The reason I ask for forgiveness is not because I think I deserve it, but because I know I am wrong and I know that this is what God asks of me. But even more, I truly do want the forgiveness of God, which means not only do I need to account for my wrongs but I also need to extend to forgiveness to those who have hurt or ignored or not forgiven me.

I want to walk in good relationship with as many as I possibly can. And for me, I want to go beyond just extended and asking for forgiveness, I’d like to walk in reconciliation with those I have hurt and who have hurt me. I know it won’t always be possible (there are times when people just need to go their separate ways and eliminate contact with each other), but I’d like to try and live that way as much as possible.

And I urge and encourage you to try and do the same, as much as possible. Extend grace to one another, as God has extended to you. Accept responsibility for your actions and strive to live at peace with one another. Better said than done… yes, maybe. But that doesn’t mean we can’t change and strive to live that way.

Write letters, emails or call on the phone if you just can’t do it person. Take someone who has walked with you during your struggle if that helps you apologize in person (I did and it was so helpful). Or write down your apology in your own words and keep it somewhere safe until you feel you are ready to face those you hurt. Pray to God, and ask Him for His help in this whole process, I truly believe He can and will help if you truly seek His help.

Amazing Grace has been extended to us in Christ, and regardless of whether it is extended to us by others we have hurt – let us rest in the new life Jesus gives us.

We quickly found out that labs love to chew things. In this case this puppy chewed anything in sight! The chewing got worse especially since my wife and I were both gone all day and we learned that pets suffer from SEPERATION ANXIETY. Since the little guy was lonely we got the great idea that he needed a friend so we went out and bought another lab puppy thinking that would help! Things quickly went from bad to worse. We would come home to our little apartment and find shoes, carpet, sofa cushions, and even pieces of mini blinds all over the place.  They even chewed the door jams and the kitchen linoleum!

Apparently both pets suffered from separation anxiety!

I share that story with you because I realized recently that we "CHEW" on porn because of our own separation anxiety! In other words the separation from our heavenly father has left us with anxiousness that we attempt to cure by chewing on anything in site. Porn is the perfect "chew toy" for broken humanity because it is always available to gnaw on and at least for a few brief moments it satisfies. I'm convinced that all the "chewing" reveals a deep longing for connection, intimacy, and community. Until we can learn to turn away from (through the Holy Spirit) our decadent diversions things far more important than shoes, sofas, and linoleum floors are going to be destroyed - mainly marriages, families, friendships, and ministries.

Scripture points out that Jesus came to "reconcile" or bring us back into right relationship with the father. That is an ongoing work that won't be fully completed until we are in the kingdom but along the way we'll often settle for the ever-present chew toy of porn. Read Romans 5:9-11, 2 Corinthians 5:17-19, Col.1:21-23

Wez Hitzke - Reasonable Faith

Christian Activist: A term that is being thrown around out there, in media, church circles, blogs and culture, yet as much as you think you may identify with it, take a step back and notice the danger of such a term. Every Christian, follower and obeyer of Jesus Christ, is by definition an activist. You cannot slap a label on yourself in an attempt to differentiate from other believers. Being an “activist” is a part of the very basic values of Christianity, and exemplifies the persona and type of ministry Jesus created while on earth.

With that in mind, what are we doing as pastors to be the kind of Christians, followers of Jesus Christ that are actively living out the call of Him in our lives, and therefore reaching, correcting and rebuking, and encouraging those that are hurt, struggling or otherwise drifting along in this world? When it comes to such serious sins as the ones discussed here, there is no other call greater than the one to be who we were created to be. 

Are you an activist? Are you a Christian activist? Are you a Christian?

What’s the difference?

Is pornography simply lust gone wild? Is it so prevalent merely because the Internet brings it into our homes in a way that was never possible before? Why do so many Christian men who would never dream of going to a strip club or soliciting a prostitute trapped in pornography? I want to suggest that a big part of the story has to do with the power of the images as a technology. Understanding Images As a biochemistry major in college, I had to read textbooks with 100s of pages of technical information that was often just a little bit dry. In fact, I drooled in just about every one of my textbooks. Of course, conveying organized facts is one of the strengths of print as a medium.

Unlike handwriting, print can convey repeatable perfection which happens to be just what good science needs. In contrast, a photo cannot convey something repeatable. By definition, it captures an instance in time that cannot happen again. This moment in time is connected to the ongoing story of the subject whether it is a person, a landscape, or the arrangement of light on an object. When we see a beautifully composed photo, one of the reasons it pulls us in is because of this embedded narrative which lives between the colors and shadows and the arrangement of the subjects. Instead of operating at the level of reason like a textbook, an image operates at the level of emotion. That emotion might be happiness if we see something funny or it could be sadness when we see someone being abused. In print, a novel can similarly capture us emotionally because a novel and a photograph share something in common – they both tell a story that connects with deep parts of our being. It is true that a picture is worth “a thousand words,” when those words tell a story, but it might even be more accurate to say that a picture is worth “a thousand emotions” (something Hipps points out in Flickering Pixels). Connecting the Pixels This is where it gets a little awkward.

What happens when a man (or a woman) sees a pornographic image? Certainly, there is a huge element of sinful lust and sexual excitement. And there is the treatment of a woman as if she were an object rather than a real person, as well as the fundamental lack of belief that comes with all sin. But what else? Why do men who want to turn away keep going back to their vomit (Prov 26:11)? They read Every Man’s Battle, they try to do what it says, but something still pulls them in. What is it? I would suggest it is the power of images to connect to the deepest parts of a man’s emotion through the story of the woman in the image. No matter how much a man tries to objectify her and make the encounter purely about his sexual drive, the reason he returns to her night after night is because she – through the technology of image – temporarily eases the pain of an emotional wound. So pornography is not insidious just because it exploits women, just because it destroys marriages, just because it often leads to darker more horrific sin, but because it uses the incredible power of image technology to hold a man emotionally captive to his sin.

Breaking the Cycle I don’t mean to give men some kind of psycho-babble excuse for the sinful choices they make. Pornography is a sinful perversion of the God-created sexual drive of a man. However, if you are struggling with pornography or if you know someone who is, my suggestion is that you look beyond just working harder to avoid lust (though that is right and good: flee young man, flee!) Perhaps the reason why you keep returning to pornography has to do with something much deeper than lust. Maybe there is something deep seated pain in your life that you would rather not address. Pornographic images not only sexually excite you but, with their power to connect to that emotional pain through the story embedded in the image, sooth your pain allowing you to put it off for another day.

All the strategies of sin management in the world – accountability questions with other men, filtering software, and so on – might be helpful, but all that work might also prevent you from allowing the Spirit of God to heal the underlying issues. Pornography is not just about lust. It is also about the power of images to connect to the deepest parts of person’s soul through the intensity of story. My suggestion is not to merely try harder to avoid lust, but to think about how you can avoid connecting to the stories of naked women and instead reconnect your life story – both the pain and the triumph – to the Gospel, the story of God working in the world to save his creation through Jesus Christ, the Son of God. That story alone has the power to heal.

John Dyer

http://donteatthefruit.com/2009/09/pornography-is-not-just-about-lust/

1. Accountability only works in the context of relationship

If you don’t have a significant history of relationship with the person you are in accountability with then the percentage of success drops dramatically. Without a deep relationship there is a lack of trust and intimacy. As a pastor there might only be one person in your life that fits into this category. You may be in accountability groups for the benefit of others, but as a pastor you must choose your accountability partners based on relationship.

1. Accountability only works with full exposure

A true accountability partner never simply takes your word as truth alone. True accountability occurs when there is full discloser through expose. Your accountability partner must be allowed to look into the areas of your life that few people see. If you are struggling with finances and foolish spending then they better have access to your bank statements. If you are struggling with pornography on the internet then they better have access to your internet history, x3watch report, and internet filter. An accountability partner must be given permission to get into your stuff. Without full exposure the door of deception is always part ways open.

I received a call one afternoon from a man who needed help because his world of porn had been revealed to his wife. His issue was deep and his addiction had brought him to download child pornography. As we talked I asked him about accountability and wondered if anyone was helping him through this struggle. He told me that he met with a group of men every Friday morning for the last 5 years. In this group he was asked weekly about pornography and lust. I asked him if he ever told them about his struggle. He said, “no, never once. Each Friday I simply lied about this area of my life.” What? Are you kidding me? This is not accountability this is a waste of time. This is the church the way evil would have it. This is impotent and weak labeled accountability.

I beg of you pastors to gain true accountability in the context of relationship with full exposure. You were created to live naked, exposed, transparent, and authentic in relationship with others. You are not superman or some other super hero. You are a man who desperately needs the support and love God offers-both through his Son and others. You were created naked for a reason.

Now your family knows… Your church knows…. Your staff knows… Your Elder Board knows… Your friends know… people know… facebook and twitter knows… God has known all along…
And you are…

Broken.
Distraught.
Angry.
Embarrassed.
Ashamed. 
Guilty.
Lonely.
Possibly relieved the secret is out.
Abandoned.

You may have lost your family, friends, ministry and so on – or maybe not. Or maybe you have a group of people around you picking you up and supporting you in your recovery.
What now though? Either way – Thank God that the darkness is in the light.  Yes, I did say to thank God for the brokenness that you now find yourself in. Am I crazy… well sometimes!

But the way that God has used and invested in people who were broken since the beginning of Creation, and will in the future, is amazing – and should be encouraging. He is waiting for you to come and return to Him. Through your brokenness, He is waiting to do a new thing with and in you. Whatever the length of the journey or the consequences to our actions because of this addiction – God is not done, and you can be used. There is hope; you can be restored in Him.

It’s true though, it may not ever be the same as it was – actually it shouldn’t be, you can be different now. Some will lose their families or ministry jobs, etc… for life depending on what happens (and obviously for that – we should mourn and hurt over the consequences of our choices) - but you are not useless to God, or to your neighbors. New life can come out of the ashes. You can be different going forward…

I was 21 when all my secrets really came out. I was serving as an Assistant Pastor in a great new church plant and on staff at another church. There I was at 6am, broken from a horrible night of struggle with porn and sexual issues and calling the lead pastor of our church plant to confess and repent, and later in the day sharing with my supervisor at the other church all my struggles as well. The Bible says we are all sinners, but I was convinced no one was worse than me, that I deserve everything bad for how disrespectful and non-God honoring I had treated women in the past and what a mess I had made of my life.

I had a different response from both of those men than a lot of guys experience when their stuff comes out. They both committed to a long and difficult journey of walking with me, holding me accountable, picking me up, showing mercy and grace to me – but most of all speaking and modeling Christ’s love to help me heal and change not just my behavior, but to be more like Christ in all areas.

Here’s the beginning of sharing a practical part for you (I hope)… if your secrets are out, it probably pretty difficult at the moment, but embrace the brokenness and turn from it. Rest in Christ. Read the Word. Find an accountability partner. Find people who will walk with you. Pray to the God who loves you and has been waiting for you to come home – let Him enter your journey.  Apologize to those who you have hurt and offended. Regardless of the outcome, humble yourself before your God, and those you have hurt. Seek out counseling.
Get up, and walk in a new life.  Be doers not just hearers of the Word. That doesn’t mean you won’t trip up again… but it should become less and less frequent as you truly take hold of Christ’s words and power in your life.

Be honest. Be humbled. Be broken. Be in Him…

“…And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You,
Once again I pour out my life…”
(“Once Again” lyrics by Matt Redman)

“…Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from Heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all…”
“Jesus Messiah” lyrics by Chris Tomlin”

I am humbled by His mercy. I know my life is broken mess, but has been taken by God and restored. God has been and is my rescue - my hope for a new and changing life. It’s all I have to cling to… it’s what I want.

* In my posts to come, I am going to attempt to expound on the practical points that I briefly laid out about above (ex: What does it mean to rest in Christ, How to find people to walk with you, How do you go about apologizing to others, etc…).  So come back as we dive into those practical steps next…