I read somewhere awhile back that “women marry men hoping they will change….and that men marry women hoping they won’t”. I think of that almost every time I look in the mirror….and I heave a heavy sigh.
When Papa Bear and I decided to rebuild our marriage from the ashes of ground zero, I knew, in theory, that the journey would be long. Still, I wasn’t prepared for what seemed like an abundance of failures and setbacks along the way. “I found porn, again!” or “I caught him in another lie!!” I moaned to God, wondering how long this pain was going to continue. That is, until one day I was emoting to a friend and she quoted something she’d first heard from her grandmother.

“People grow like trees,” she said. “You can’t watch it happen; you look back on it and say, ‘Wow.’ But, to see anything at all, you have to look year by year and stop looking day by day.”
It’s been over four years now since I’ve started viewing my husband as a tree. But today, when I got in the car, I turned the key and heard rockin’ praise music blaring through the speakers….and all I could say was, “Wow.” Even though he’s had a heart for worship for awhile now, gratefulness spawned a flashback to the years of pleading and praying I took silently to my Savior….asking Him to give my husband a passionate hunger for the things of Heaven.
When he teaches our children about God….”Wow.”

When I look at him and see that….He’s sorry.
He’s faithful.
He picks me flowers.
He preaches the gospel.
He mentors.
He prays.
He feels.

And when I see that he has somehow become the sane one in this relationship….
“Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!”
I am floored by the well-watered growth rings he has gained in the past four years. He’s not a perfect man. Good thing; I am not a perfect woman. As a woman who has longed for growth and change, though, it is easy for me to get caught up in wanting more….instead of reveling in how far he’s come (how far we’ve come). But the truth is, his current failures are only evidence of his continued need for a Savior. The rings reveal who he is. And you don’t count rings every day.

He’ll bear good fruit…when that fruit is in season. And he’ll continue to prosper and grow, but not necessarily in the direction I might point him. After all, he’s a tree, and trees must grow toward the Son.

Psalms 1:1-3 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Even though my heart's desire was natural and normal, a desire for purity for my husband and unity in our marriage- I had made his sin an idol in my life.  Doing the things God had called me to do to strengthen my own spiritual well being fell by the wayside and serving others did too if it wasn't convenient for my husband's schedule.  

According to my life application study Bible, we often think of idols as statues or stones or wood pieces when in reality an idol is anything natural that is given sacred value and power.  If your answer to ANY of the following questions is anything or anyone other than God, you may need to check out who or what you are worshiping. 

1. Who created me?
2. Whom do I ultimately trust?
3. Whom do I look to for security and happiness?
4. Who is in charge of my future?

God speaks clearly about idols in the book of Isaiah.  Ironically, it is one of my favorite books of the Bible.  He says this about the person who trusts in idols in chapter 44 verse 20 "He is trusting something that can give him no help at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask "Is this thing, this idol that I am holding in my hand, a lie?"

It is a lie for us to think that all the externals we put in place will keep our husbands from wandering off the path of righteousness.  We are not God.  Only God can make the change required in a person's heart to keep them.  This is a heart issue and only an encounter with God can change a person's heart.

There is more power in prayer than there is in idols.

Marsha and I are sharing insights from the Pure Life Ministries 2010 Conference we went to this past weekend.

One of the last sessions we went to at the conference was a couple’s session by Jeff and Rose Colon.  Both Jeff and Rose are active in the counseling ministry of Pure Life Ministries.  They talk every day with men, women and couples who are struggling with sexual sin.

In crisis, all we see is the crisis.  All we see is the pain and the consequences.  It’s hard to get a “bigger picture” of what’s really going on.  That Colons reminded us that bigger things are going on when we are suffering with the consequences of an addiction.

It made me think of some key questions that I need to be asking God:

Q:  God, are your goals for our marriage?
So often, we think the main goal for our recovering marriage is to get back to normal.  Or our larger goals may involve career moves, travel, our children, and retirement.  God may have other things in mind.  We need to look for His goals for our marriage.  We were reminded that our goals may not be God’s goals.

Q:  God, how do you want us to serve others?
Marsha and I were reminded that our recovery is not just for ourselves.  God wants us to recover and get healthy because He wants us to serve other people.  He wants to use us to help others who are struggling with addiction, but much, much more.

Q:  God, what are the things we’re afraid of?
Fears can be paralyzing.  Sexual addiction recovery has put me and Marsha face-to-face with many fears.  Many of these fears involved loss and change.  I lost my job.  We lost our ministry.  Moving to North Carolina was very costly.  It’s easy to get overwhelmed with our fears.

And three years into our recovery we still experience fears when:

    * When we have an argument.
    * I have a sexual slip.
    * When we have a setback in our intimacy.
    * We have times of discouragement and depression.
    * I became unemployed.

After the conference, we spent time talking about our fears.  We were reminded that God has taken care of us during this recovery process.  He has never failed us and has always provided for us.

This blog was previously posted in August of 2009.

I saw these stats on infidelity and thought they were interesting. Sadly, I thought that some of them looked a little low (see link below). 

The section on why people have affairs really struck me. If these studies are accurate, it appears that men have affairs for physical reasons, whereas women have them for more emotional, intimacy-related reasons. The reasons for men are; 44% want sex more often and 40% want variety in their sexual partner. The three reasons listed for women are: 40% want more emotional attention, 33% want to be reassured that they're still desirable, and 11% cheat for revenge.

As wives of men addicted to sex and/or pornography, we are susceptible to these three things. We often feel emotionally isolated, undesirable, and angry (even to the point of wanting revenge) as a result of our husbands' addictions. These feelings can lead to fantasizing about old boyfriends, coworkers, or friends from church. The fantasies may not be sexual but more commonly are about having what we've idealized as the perfect relationship. What may seem like harmless, secret fantasies are actually a slippery slope to adultery. 

James 1:14-15 says, "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death."

Wives, we may have been hurt and we may be very, very angry, but we must always guard our hearts and walk in His righteousness. 

Via: Online Schools

Often the wife is left somewhere in the back of the room yet it is us who are on the front line of spiritual warfare for the souls of our husband's. It is us in the one flesh relationship being affected by everything our spouse submits himself to.  It is us who is left in the aftermath and who sees who he has really become and the depths he has gone to and the depravity of sin he has become enslaved to behind closed doors. 

Paul addressed the church of Corinth (brothers and sisters in the Lord Jesus) when he said they were so desensitized by the sin in the church (a man (brother in the Lord) amongst them in a lifestyle of sexual sin) because they had become accustomed to it!  This sin is so rampant amongst the church and in the body it is affecting ALL of us (The body/The Church). [Reference 1Corinthians 5]  How is it that we continually avoid this when it comes to someone in habitual sexual sin?

Our friends don't understand why we 'put up with it'.  His friends don't understand why we are not more forgiving, loving or [fill in the blank]. Families are usually split down the middle; In my case my family has supported me while never once saying a bad thing about my husband (most women do not have this).  His family has pretty much written me off because after all that old cliche of 'blood being thicker than water' seems to be the case even though I am not the one who broke our marriage covenant. 

The world misunderstands us.  They deny this is an epidemic, they deny it destroys marriages. They deny it eats away at the mind.  They deny, deny, deny leaving us to look like the ones who have blown it all out of proportion.  They say things like "if a guy would prefer this over the real deal then he is just a jerk and not all guys are like that."   They aren't there to see that your husband can't concentrate at work let alone at the dinner table in normal conversation.  They don't see the look on your husband's face when you tell him you are devastated that you lost your favorite pair of ear rings and he says "Oh that is wonderful honey"  because he is thinking about fantasy and not listening.  They aren't there when he is puking his brains out in the toilet covered in vomit and snot because he is completely undone over his addiction to this hideous counterfeit (PORN) and is miserable living a constant lie of chaos and yet cannot seem to help himself out of the pit of it.

This has been my life for 6.5 years with my husband.  Some women have been going through it for 20, 30, 40 & 50 years.... but I am talking about it.  You will talk about it.  We may be misunderstood but guess what?  So was the greatest man that ever walked and loved on the face of this earth.

Jesus was misunderstood.  Even the very people he hung out with who knew Him the best, who saw first hand the miracles and the love... rejected him in the end... even John the Baptist who proclaimed him from the beginning (even in his mother's womb!) and prophesied about who He was...but in the end questioned it all.

I can only imagine how Jesus felt.  The very people He was laying his life down for literally denied him making public statements that they valued him not by their words and their actions.

Isn't that what this is for us?  The very person we have joined ourself with, the very person we have entered into covenant with and gave up all rights to any other avenue that life might have taken us rejects us and by giving themselves to paper dolls declares us to be of no value to them? 

While I am the last one who wants to give any woman any reason to self loathe or take her eyes off of the cross and feel sorry for herself- I do want to VALIDATE you wives because I know what it is like to be invalidated!  Sometimes I think if we were just validated by our leadership- by our peers- by our family (especially his if they are involved) we would move more quickly into the healing process and move forward in a greater pace knowing that we have the support and the encouragement we need to continue in the fight!  Somehow standing in it alone (even in prayer & fasting) can be overwhelming.  We need the same grace that is offered to our spouses.  We need what GOD has spoken and it should be extended to us. 

Deuteronomy 1:9-13

Luke 11: 42-46

Galatians 6:2

1Tim 5:8

Ladies- the Lord really takes this seriously and I am telling you that HE is our covering and HE is the one who will protect us. [Read 1 Tim 5:5]  Pastors: you have been called to shepherd your flock.  When a wife loses the covering her husband is supposed to provide- GOD has appointed you to cover her.  When she doesn't get that covering she is opened up to so much more spiritual attack. When a man in the church has fallen into sexual sin he needs to be rebuked, corrected/instructed and restored gently. [Gal 6:1, 2 Tim 2:25] This is GOD's instructions, not mine.

Ladies, talk with your pastors- let them know what you need from them and from the church.  Don't shut down and isolate.  I am here to tell you it doesn't work... it makes things worse. Lastly- please don't forget  to come and fellowship with other ladies just like you in this same situation at Partners for Purity.  It should not replace your local church but it can be a source of hope and encouragement.

I am praying for all of you.

Previously Posted in October of 2008

I've read bits and piece of your story and am wondering how you handle hearing details of your husband's addiction. Every time he tells me things I feel like I'm reliving the experience over again. It feels like ripping of a band-aid. I want to be available and I want to support him but I want to protect myself too. Is that fair? Can I do both?

My Response:

Yes, it is fair to want to protect yourself while still being a support to our husband. And yes, I believe that you can do both. 

I remember when I found out about my husband's addiction. We went through a period when I felt this I was reliving the experience over and over again too. I found out about my husband's porn use and confronted him with it. When he was confronted he confessed to some of the porn use. But his confession was more like a purging. He felt guilty and needed to get the guilt out. So he gave me details. Lots and lots of details. And to this day I regret asking for them. But I did ask. Over and over again. 

He would tell me details. Then a day or two would pass and I would say, "Is there anything else I should know?" And I would get another dose of guilt filled confessions. He told me about things he had done, places he had been, and things he had seen. He told me about things that happened during our marriage and about all kinds of things happened before we were married. And each time he told me more I relived the pain again. 

He told me everything. And knowing everything was tremendously painful. I created a visual image in my head for each and every confession. And I hated carrying those images around in my mind. I wanted to undo all that had been done and I wanted to unhear everything that I had heard. 

As our family moved into recovery we learned a few things. We learned that I wasn't the best person for him to be confessing to. We learned that confession and guilt are messy things. And we learned that his purging was more about him getting rid of the guilty feelings then about showing me a true spirit of repentance. And I learned that it was OK for me to protect myself from it. 

Early on I struggled with how I could protect myself without becoming insulated. I wondered if it was possible to do both. A good counselor and some strong support people helped me decide how much I should know and how much was too much. My husband and I agreed that we would always have open dialogue about his addiction and recovery. We also agreed that if we needed to discuss specific details, or if there was ever a relapse, that he would respect that boundary. We also agreed that he would protect me from the guilty purging by sharing and discussing any confessions with a support person before he shared them with me. I needed a buffer between me and his guilt.

While all of this is specific to my situation and may not perfectly fit yours I share it all to say that it's always fair to protect yourself and that you can be there for him while you're doing it. I pray that the Lord will guide you as you and your husband seek His direction and His grace. 

The most frequent question I am asked by wives is “Is there hope for my marriage?”  My answer is always “yes” regardless of what their particular situation might be.  

I believe that the Lord has the ability and desire to rescue every man mired in sexual immorality, no matter how long he has struggled or how deeply entrenched he has become.  Mercifully, nobody is outside the grasp of God’s strong and loving hand.

This is sometimes difficult for wives to believe, especially those who have seen their husband experience temporary periods of sobriety, only to later find him confessing the same sin over and over again.  They wonder, understandably so, why this time will be any different than all the others.

CAN I EVER TRUST MY HUSBAND AGAIN?
That was my attitude for a long time.  How could I ever trust Jeff to change, when he kept getting my hopes up only to let me down again?  The change in my perspective came when I started putting my hope in the power of Christ, not my husband’s ability to stop viewing pornography.

Hear me clearly –  I’m not saying that God took away my husband’s addiction because I started putting my hope in Jesus.  If only it were that easy.  What I am saying is that I quit questioning God’s ability to grow my husband away from this addiction as he grew closer to Christ.

I stopped saying, “there is no hope” and started reminding myself of Ephesians 3:20 which offers praise and glory to Christ “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

JESUS, LORD OF OUR HURTS
If Christ were not in the business of forgiveness and restoration, than there would be no hope for our marriages.  But because the Lord doesn’t give up on our husbands (or us) there is hope that our marriage can be redeemed to what the Lord intended in the first place.  The New Testament is a testament of lives changed by the power of Christ…the sick are healed, sinners are redeemed and God is glorified in the process.  Zacchaeus, the Prodigal Son, the woman caught in adultery, and the apostle Paul are just a few examples.

THE UNREPENTANT HUSBAND
What about the wife whose husband is unrepentant? Is their hope for her marriage? I think there is hope even then, but it need not be blind.  A wife shouldn’t sit back and accept lies or look the other way when sinful behaviors are exposed.  There are times when a wife must draw a line and be prepared to follow through with the consequences if that line is crossed.   That doesn’t mean she lacks faith or she has given up on the Lord.  Rather, it means she is taking her fight for her marriage to the next level.

We must keep in mind that God designed marriage and has a holy purpose for it.  I frequently tell women that their husband’s painful revelation could actually be the first step towards enjoying what God intended their marriage to be all along.  That has certainly been the case for my marriage.   I thank God that Jeff’s pornography addiction was brought into the light.  Had it not, I’m certain we would have never focused this intensely on discovering God’s design for healthy intimacy.

HOPE PAVES THE WAY TO WORK ON IT TOGETHER
When wives have hope, they are willing to do the hard work that marriage recovery takes.  Even when their husband’s are struggling, they can endure the setbacks and continue the journey.  As followers of Christ, we must come alongside these women and encourage them and remind them of God’s truth and God’s power.  Galatians 6:2 advises us to “carry one another’s burdens”.  1 Thessalonians 4:8 says “comfort one another”.

We truly become the body of Christ when we begin to minister hope and encouragement to the hurting people around us.  There is no shortage of hurting people today.

How will you respond?

Accountability is just as difficult. To be in a relationship of true accountability means that  you are willing to release control and submit to the process. It also means that you are willing to confront difficult situations and have the courage to say the right thing even when it hurts. And it means having the discipline and discernment to preserve the relationship during those difficult conversations by balancing the truth with love. 

Trust. 

Vulnerability. 

Commitment. 

Release of control. 

Submission. 

Discernment. 

The courage to speak the truth in love. 

That ends up being quite a list. And it’s a list that used to scare the daylights out of me. Those seven things typically aren’t in the vocabulary of addicts. Nor are they in the vocabulary of their spouses. 

And if I’m being honest, I didn’t really believe that I needed it. He was the one struggling with addiction, not me. He’s the one that needed help, right? 

I quickly learned that confession and accountability wasn’t just for him. It was for me too. 

I needed confession and accountability as much as he did. I needed someone to help me see when I was being codependent, manipulative, controlling, or started isolating from people or from God. I needed accountability for my spiritual walk, for my commitment to work on our marriage, and to make sure I wasn’t managing (masking?) my depression with food. 

In the early years, when I was struggling with the truth of my husband’s addiction, I was so ashamed that I didn’t think I would ever be able to find someone that I could have a relationship of confession and accountability with. And the idea of taking the risk and trying to seek one out terrified me.  

And out of that fear I continued to struggle alone. 

But when I finally stepped out on faith (some would argue that I was pushed out in faith by my Christian counselor) and committed to finding first a group, then a few individuals that I could practice things like trust, vulnerability, commitment, submission, and speaking the truth with, these things started to slowly become part of who I was. They became a part of how I related to others in healthy ways. 

I had spent years isolating myself from people and I was finding that I actually craved those relationships. I craved community. 

And when I continued to practice trust, vulnerability, commitment, submission, and speaking the truth with these people, I finally started to believe that I could experience them with my husband too. 

And I would classify that as a miracle. 

Originally posted on X3 Church July 2009

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:12,13

Recently a friend came to the end of her struggle with cancer. Despite a two year battle, it was time for her to go home. As I processed all that she, her husband, and her three young daughters went through it got me thinking about these verses and what it would feel like to be in my last days, face to face with the reality and presence of God.

I have had so many ups and downs in this life. And we have certainly had them in our marriage. We've experienced countless victories and nearly as many defeats. Sometimes I have felt as if I was in a house of mirrors where my reflection (or my view) is completely distorted by my circumstances. The circumstances of our choices, our marriage, his addiction. These are the times when fear, uncertainty, and despair most cloud my view. But I imagine that when I’m at the end, when I approach that point of nearly total completeness, I will look at my life and know. Fully know.

I will know why (or at least realize what mattered).

I will see all of His plan.

I will be assured of what was important in this life.

All of the hurts in our marriage, all of the silly fights with my kids, all of the times I took offense, and every second that I was focused on myself will no longer matter. I’ll see clearly and I’ll know (I mean really know), just as I am fully known.

As I studied this passage I decided to turn to The Message where verse 13 is translated like this:

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Love extravagantly. 

Even in the pain. Even in the hurt. That is my prayer today. 

How about the fisherman who had been out fishing all night long without a catch and Jesus says to them “put your nets back down for a catch” and wala their nets filled with fish until they burst! (Luke 5:4-6)

The woman who had been hemorrhaging for years.  This was a woman who more than likely had done everything known to be free of this condition and yet she bled for years until she touched the hem of Jesus’ garment in faith. (Mark 5:28)

When I came to the realization that these impossible challenges became realities of freedom because of Jesus not because of what the individuals were doing to receive the miracle but purely because of Jesus.  His goodness.  His righteousness.  His power.  His desire. I entered into a place of freedom I had not yet discovered.

There have been days, even months, perhaps years when I felt like this marriage was the impossible challenge.  As a Christian I am familiar with popular biblical verses such as “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13) and “with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26)  but when challenged with what seems impossible do I really believe these scriptures to be true for me, for this situation? Is it applicable in a marriage where one spouse is doing what causes havoc and what the other spouse can in no way control?   God tells me one thing while the world and my finite mind tell me another.  Days on end I found it impossible to “rejoice in my suffering” (Romans 5:3) because the true knowledge that suffering produced perseverance was foreign to my heart.  I actually thought that verse meant I was suppose to rejoice over the incidents that were causing me to suffer.  I now understand that it means I am to rejoice in God regardless of the suffering... at least that is what God has revealed to me.  That even though the earth may shake, it is well with my soul because everything here will fall away and not last forever but what I store up and give up to God will have eternal value.

I started the wives blog at XXXChurch two years ago this week. If you have followed my blog you know that there have been many challenges and even a two year separation in our marriage due to my husband's ongoing struggle with pornography.  You  would also know that a miracle reconciliation took place in September of last year.

So then why did I stop writing the blogs?  If things were so miraculously great?  Did I no longer want to share the journey?   Truth be told for several months I was so enamored with the reconciliation and the new journey that I didn’t want to break away to write. I wanted to forget about the personal pain/journey of porn and just get on with our lives! Isn’t that what a miracle of deliverance looks like?  You don’t look back- you don’t talk about “it” anymore you just move forward! It was good, really good and there were new bloggers that had joined the site so I didn’t think it really mattered.  Then once our marriage hit some speed bumps in the road I was filled with sudden doubt that a miracle had happened to begin with and wondered what the heck I was doing still on this journey!  Was I the only one who had gone through reconciliation and lived with a husband who was walking in freedom but still experiencing struggles and set backs?  Surely this meant there wasn’t true freedom, right? Was still facing pastoral counsel a part of freedom?  Was having more accountability from lessons learned freedom?  Was having others walk with us in the journey knowing every detail of our spiritual journey freedom? Was having to go through counseling AGAIN freedom? Was/is facing disappointments in the process freedom?  Indeed I think it is.  

The journey over the last 8 years has been long and quite painful- the healing over the last 8 months has also been painful but extremely valuable. I am learning a lot about myself in this process and honestly, some of it is really hard.  I’m not as great as I thought I was and the image of self righteousness in the mirror is sobering.  I have learned a lot about God, human frailty, unmet expectations, unfair requirements, humility and I am certain there is more to learn and more to uncover about love in human form and God’s constant pursuit of our hearts individually.  

One thing I have felt led to share that I hope will free you up:  Stop comparing your story to other stories.  None of our stories are going to look the same.  I found myself constantly looking at another couple who had gone through all of this and more who were just beaming with love and devotion to one another after their reconciliation.  I wanted their testimony only to find that a few years into their  “freedom” journey that what looked to be all together on the outside wasn’t so at all.  You never really know what is going on in someone else’s home, heart, life based on outside appearance or based on words never spoken. Open and ongoing communication and accountability is such a key part to this process of freedom.

The glue holding us together over the last 5 months is what Christians refer to as “the body of Christ”.   For us these are other Christians who are qualified to speak into our lives and our situation.  This came through our amazing church.  My husband and I went to the pastoral chaplain in our church (he’s the pastor to the pastors) and we shared our story and our struggles.  He met with us a few times and clearly saw that we were going to be a work in progress to say the least.  He assembled what is known to us as a “reconciliation care team”.  It is made up of three male elders and one woman.  They meet with us every other week for 60-90 minutes.  We are asked about our personal walks with God, how are we walking in repentance as individuals before God and each other.  We discuss any problems or concerns that may have come up since we last met and we are challenged by the Word and our responses to it as well as given homework which can be as simple as praying together, reading the word together, serving together etc.  My husband and I also meet separately with one team member (he meets with an elder and I meet with the woman) for  biweekly mentorship.  I can honestly say that without this type of intense accountability during our first year of reconciliation I am not sure we would have made it.   You see after so many years of dealing with sin on our own we developed dysfunctional responses and approaches not to mention that after a two year separation we each got accustomed to life without the other in so many ways.  It’s been difficult at times for us to be selfless and invest in the marriage as number one priority.  Issues like money, time with friends, time alone, time with families, personal differences and preferences and then for me to assume the role of wife again cooking for someone else, packing lunches, praying for my husband's day, double the laundry and finding balance with a full time job etc. While all of this might sound like no big deal to some folks, its been a big deal for us to get acclimated again to married life or should I say married life the way it was intended to be. There are so many benefits to marriage but when the cost enters the picture the flesh gets a little feisty.  I also found myself resentful at times.  Resentful that I had to invest so much to fix a marriage that I didn’t break.  The drives to the meetings, the time involved, the pain, the reality of the devastation porn had caused, the self discovery of so many things and personal sins that I would have rather left tucked within my core.  Not to mention the lack of compassion for the life long struggle my husband has had and how hard it is for him to face a world every day that is saturated with sex and imagery.  So many times in my heart I felt like he should just get over it and get on with it.  While that is true in a perfect world, for someone to walk away from a life long habit that brought relief from stress, anger, anxiety, boredom, isolation etc. its another story.  I have had to deal with my anger again over disappointments and unmet expectations which then gave me the option to deal with my own issues or continue in the cycle of disfunction on my own.   Neither choice was one I wanted. So needless to say it has not been easy.  However; there is so much fruit in our lives as a result of the hard work.  There is so much progress, there is so much hope and there is so much freedom.  We daily acknowledge that without God neither of us will make it- life is too hard, complicated and just plain worthless without vision, purpose, goals, and sojourners.

Thankfully today, we have those.    We’re also closer than we’ve ever been to one another.  We laugh a lot, we serve each other continually and we seek after God to meet our needs and to carry us through when a pot hole suddenly shows up in the road.  We’re making it.   We are continually being refined and pruned but Oh how sweet the fragrance of growth and blossom! 

Before you read it I should note that these is no set game plan for accountability. This is what has worked for me. A good friend of mine is her husband's accountability partner and that works for them.

Here is my best advice: Whatever you do, do it prayerfully. 

_________________________________________________________________

Early in my husband's recovery process he and I fell into a common trap of self-reliance. He felt a lot of shame in his acting out behaviors and I carried that shame with him. In our self-reliant, will powered attempts to get well we often found ourselves isolated from others. In our shame we hid what was really going on and made attempts to find recovery on our own. That plan never works.

When we were alone with our struggles I was often my husbands point of accountability. When he stumbled he would tell me where he had gone, what sites he had visited, or who he had been with all in the name of confession. The crazy thing is, at the time I thought I wanted to know. My need for control made me think that if I knew everything I could help fix things. I was wrong.

As we experienced defeat again and again we eventually realized that we actually did need to bring others into our experience. We found people we trusted and asked them to help us in the healing process. Accountability was established out of those relationships and in the end his accountability didn't directly include me. Initially I thought that this lack of control or limited access to information would make me feel crazy. As it turns out when I finally let go I started to truly experience freedom.

Through our years of recovery I have decided that I never wanted to be my husband's accountability person again. Here are two of the main reasons why:

First, it defeated the purpose of accountability. Galatians 6:1 reads: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." Accountability is all about gentle restoration. An accountability partner will gently restore their Brother with love and instruction and without shame or anger.  When I was on the frontline of accountability I would confront my husband with hurt and anger at the first sign of sin. If I found out he was on a site he should not have been on I would confront him in a way that was far from gentle. On the same token, knowing that my reaction would not be one of grace, my husband was never likely to come to me when he was struggling with temptation. He was on his own. 

Second, it put our m arriage out of balance. Despite my fierce independence I still believe that husbands are leaders of the household called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and that wives are called to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22,23). My husband was in no position to lead during the height of his addiction. However, I knew that if I wanted our marriage to succeed I would want him to be leading our family as soon as he was able. If he is accountable to me, if I am the one that he answers to, how will he ever lead me? I believe that if this order was reversed it would be even more difficult for me to trust and respect him in the end. 

I wish I could take back the years when I was the only one holding my husband accountable.

Through this process I learned that there is some truth to the phrase "the devil is in the details". I can never un-hear some of the things I heard when he was accountable to me. The mental images of those details will be with me forever and I hate them. 

Even though I don't want to be his accountability partner I still need to know what's going on and he has a responsibility to be honest and transparent with me. Now his X3 Watchaccountability reports go to a trusting male friend. I have chosen to not see them. If something inappropriate or questionable comes up they talk about it. After they have discussed it, prayed about it, and made plans round it he comes to me and gives me the information that I need to know - and nothing more. It works for us and I am happy.

Anyway- I will debut a new blog on April 19, 2010 after taking eight months off.  So much has happened in the last eight months as the journey continues,  I hope you'll come back and join me! 

Its Not Your Fault; however...

A common thread that seems to link a lot of us wives together is that we feel (in the beginning stages of the discovery) like we must be to blame somewhere for this horrible problem.  There is a stereo type out there and believe me I know it is real because I was once 'of' the world.  The stereo type says:  "if her man was getting it at home he wouldn't need to get it elsewhere." That is a lie and that is not what God says.  Your husband's compromise of his own integrity has no place of blame on you!  As a matter of fact even if we do all the things we are told by God not to do (withhold sex, hold a record of wrongs, withhold forgiveness etc.) God still doesn't release our husband's to take matters into their own hands and do what they will to "get what they need" elsewhere. You can be for certain that there is nothing you have done that can take the responsibility of your husband's choice to be unfaithful and call it your own.  You are not the blame. However (don't you hate that word!) even though we know all the Scriptures that talk about husbands loving their wives and what the GOD assigned role of a husband is, do we remember what our role is?

In the book captivating, Stasi Eldredge uses research from Hebrew scholar Robert Alter who spent years translating the book of Genesis.  He states that when God created Eve, he called her an 'ezer kenegdo' (Gen 2:19) which most of us know as "helpmeet", "companion" etc.  However, the Hebrew scholar translates this as "sustainer beside him."  "A help in time of need."

Too often we as women listen to the voice of the world that screams "leave him, he's done you dirty, he will never change- any man that looks upon another woman with lust is an adulterer and you should divorce him."  We forget that we have entered into a covenant of marriage and our God given role is "sustainer beside him" we are a "counter part".  Too often we grasp at our rights forgetting that in God we are called to lay down all of our rights.  Yeah, I know there are some reading this that will disagree and think I am a fruit loop but you know as you read this that what I say is resonating truth within your spirit. 

When we hurt, we want to cover that hurt and protect it.  We tend to allow a callous to form and harden us to the hurt so we don't have to suffer or endure the nonsense of it all anymore, ever again!  But is that what God is calling us to do?    A lot of us women find it easier to stay mad at our husbands and argue constantly than to forgive and take the risk of being railroaded again.  Furthermore to keep up this hardness of the heart we will rise up against our men looking down on them, judging them for this 'thing they do' that is so beneath us.  How do we forget what the Lord our God says to us: "Do not judge or you too will be judged For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  -Matthew 7:1-2

"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor (husband)?"  -James 4:2(emphasis mine)

Yes, we need the wisdom of God in dealing with this situation, getting help, setting boundaries- but we are not to set ourselves up as judge over our husband.

"Because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment." -James 2:13

So what is the point of my blog this week?  It's two fold.  I want to reassure you that your husband's struggles with this sin are not your fault- however; don't use that as an excuse to receive offense and shut down or worse rise up against your husband.  If at all possible we are called to be at peace with all men.  Perhaps your husband is repentant and wants to be free but is afraid, feels all alone or is just lacking the strength in his faith to make it.  Don't make this about you and how hurt and devastated you are. Ask God to help you to let go of that right and to help your husband.  Encourage him!  Be his "ezer kenegdo",  forgive him, love him.  Love never fails. 

What if he isn't repentant?  What if he doesn't want to change?  Continue to pray mercy for him and while you are doing that go before God each day to help you discern what your next steps are.

Before I learned about his addiction I had been very comfortable with my body and who I was. Knowing that my husband had looked at images of hundreds of other women changed that for me. I became almost obsessively self conscious with my appearance. This continued even after our son was born. I did some incredibly unhealthy things in an effort to return to my pre-pregnancy weight but no matter how many pounds I shed I still felt awful about myself. In addition to becoming obsessive about my weight I became very private about my body. It had gotten to the point where I wouldn't even change into pajamas if my husband was in the room. I have never felt so unattractive in all of my life. Ever.

In my mind sex appeal became strictly physical.  

In reality sex appeal is just as much (if not more) a state of mind as it is a product of physical appearance. Even if I had been able to instantly lose all of the baby weight, and added about four inches to my legs, I never would have felt good about myself at that time. I certainly can't image that I would have felt sexy. 

Feeling sexy is a state of mind. 

Song of Songs is such a passionate book in the Bible. It's all about a young couple pursuing each other in their courtship. This couple is incredibly attracted to each other. And even though the woman isn't totally satisfied with her physical appearance (Song of Songs 1:1:5,6) she feels attractive. Her relationship with her Lover is one where she is pursued, esteemed, and nourished. Within the safety of that relationship she feels sexy despite her physical imperfections. 

When my husband and I began seriously pursuing recovery and restoring our marriage the image that I had of myself was restored as well. I started to feel ok with who I was. As my husband began to heal and he became more affirming of me that level of comfort with myself began to increase even more. And even though I never got back to into the jeans I wore before I had our children, I started to believe that I could feel attractive again. 

Sexy is my current state of mind. 

I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

If you have ever loved an addict you know what it feels like to be a catcher in the rye. You know what it feels like to have a bunch of people running around you; spouse, kids, extended family members, coworkers, friends – what feels like thousands of people playing near a big, crazy cliff. You know what it feels like to think your job is to catch anyone or anything that may fall over the edge.

You know what it’s like to believe that you are responsible for other people’s behavior.

And if you’ve ever loved an addict you also know that recovery is a very delicate, fragile thing. It’s a process with ups and downs and good days and bad days. And we’ve had some really bad days. The kind of days that make you reexamine priorities and decisions. The kind of days that can make you second guess yourself (and maybe even lose faith if you aren’t careful). I have watched my husband move to the edge of the cliff. And I have watched him make his way back.

For me, these are the days when I find myself standing in the rye once again.

I talk a lot about my recovery from codependency and the freedom that comes when you no longer feel the burden to catch someone going over a cliff. Standing in the rye puts that to the test. It is really, really hard to watch someone you love dance near the edge and have to resist the urge to do things that you think will guard him from it. It’s hard for me to watch my husband struggle with limits and boundaries, to see him lose his balance. It’s especially hard to watch someone you love fall. But, it’s been incredibly refreshing for me to know that I’m not responsible for what someone else does. I am only responsible for me.

It’s freeing to know that no matter how close to the edge my husband gets, I will be ok.

Do you think porn has affected the people around you?

And all the wives shout: YES!

My husband's addiction has certainly affected me and our entire family. It has affected our marriage, our finances, and our relationships with family members and friends. And it has changed me. At first in devastating ways, such as tearing apart my self esteem, challenging my faith, and isolating me me from people I love. Eventually, our recovery began to change me too. I've learned to love myself. My relationship with God has been transformed, renewed, and strengthened. And I have come to a place where our marriage, with all of its struggles and imperfections, continues to inch closer to resembling what God intended it to be. With recovery I have found hope.

Over the years I've learned that we, as wives, share such similar experiences. While the details of our stories may differ, the themes are so often the same: pain, anger, resentment, distrust, loneliness, grief, confusion. If your husband's relationship with pornography has affected you in any of those ways, I hope you will join me here on April 5th for the next X3 Live event. At 6:00 PM Pacific time we'll be playing a video of me sharing my story and answering some of the common questions women ask. Craig Gross and I will also be taking your questions in the live chat. 

If you have questions that you would like to have answered, leave them in the comments. Husbands are welcome to leave their questions too. I'll try to answer as many as I can. 

See you then!

Nicole WIck/Craig Gross @ XXXChurch Headquarters

Monday, April 5th

6:00 PM to 7:00 PM PST

Watch live on xxxchurch.com

    20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

    23 The man said,
           "This is now bone of my bones
           and flesh of my flesh;
           she shall be called 'woman,'
           for she was taken out of man."

    24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

When the truth of my husbands sexual addiction came to light I believed that we would never get back to the type of connectedness that God had intended. I felt so vulnerable and exposed. WIth each confession I felt less and less a part of him and more and more alone. If you would have asked me then, I would have told you that things would never be the same. How could I ever trust this man again? How could I ever feel that I was one with him like I did in the beginning. In our beginning. I was convinced that the marriage plan that God created in Genesis 2:24 had never been intended for me.

Shortly into our recovery process I started to experience a little bit of hope. As my husband began to make amends and became honest and accountable I started to wonder if our marriage could get back to where it had been. Would we ever have what God intended in the beginning? As I struggled with whether God could pull off this kind of miracle I started to pray Genesis 2:25 everyday. "The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame."

As I prayed this verse over and over God showed me that it is about more than being ok in front of each other without our clothes on (which I will say was very difficult for me at that time). What he showed me is that his intention was for us to be bare before each other. Completely transparent. Totally vulnerable. Without secrets and without shame. I began to earnestly pray that we would get to a place where we no longer had anything to hide. That we would get to a place of honestly and trust as God had intended. That we could be naked and feel no shame.

Three years later my husband and I are still a work in progress. But, we are so much further than I ever dreamed we would be. If you are on this journey with me my message for you is that there is hope. Hold on to it. My prayer for you is that you will once again have a marriage relationship that is naked and without shame. As it was in the beginning.

Early on, when my husband was struggling to find sobriety and I was struggling to find answers, my insecurities often got the best of me, and I answered the “why porn” question with things like: my sex drive is too low, I need to lose weight, because I’m just not enough. I came up with countless reasons that his addiction to porn could be about me or my appearance. But as we walked through the process together, through what Zechariah describes as a refining fire, I continued to call on the Lord and seek His answers and His truth.

What I discovered is that the answer to the “why porn” question has a lot more to do with him than it does with me. Porn is really about something so much deeper. It’s about fears, insecurities, pain, and a million other things that develop from a desperation to feel whole. It’s really about things that I didn’t cause or perpetuate.

The idea that the answer to the “why porn” question had nothing to do with me was very difficult for me to accept at first. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if deep down I preferred that it be about me. When, in my head, “why porn” was about me or my appearance, I could control it. And believe me, I like to be in control. Accepting that it wasn’t about me equaled accepting that I couldn’t control the outcome. I’m as powerless over his addiction as he is. I couldn’t make it stop. 

Twelve step groups always say that an addict is powerless over the addiction, and that admitting that is the first step to recovery. I had to admit that I was powerless, too. Thankfully, our God sees, all, knows, and controls all. He is not powerless, and for my husband and I, submitting to Him and surrendering all of our reasons for “why porn” has been one of the greatest things we have ever done. 

I’m praying that today we all have faith to surrender all of our “why porn” questions to the only one who has the answers. 

I have changed so much over the past ten years. I'm not the same woman I was, or the same wife, or the same mom. I've learned hard lessons and experienced hard losses, but looking back all of those hurts and pains have helped make me the person that I am now. A better woman, a better wife, a better mom. None of them were lessons that I asked for or wanted, but here I am. I survived them. 

Ecclesiastes 3:9 says, "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

There were a lot of long, hard years for us over the past decade. At the time, I would have called them anything but beautiful. Miserable would have felt like a more accurate description. Looking back at the entire scope of these ten years, I can see how beautiful the pain and love and hard work were. I can see what a gift they were. 

Each year has 365 days. If you are starting the new year and are in a dark phase in your marriage, remember  - a year is only 365 days, God will see you through them. If you are starting the new year feeling redeemed in your marriage, remember - a year is only 365 days, use them. 

I'm not sure what the the new year will bring for you or for me, but I'm sure that God will use all these next 365 short days (the good ones and the bad ones) as part of His glorious plan. And I am sure that in time you will see the beauty in all of them. 

Typically when we think of Christmas and Advent we think about the birth of child and the good news of a Savior. It was comforting to see that this season is also about a marriage that was strained and renewed. Mary had to tell her fiance that she was carrying a child that was not his. Her situation was certainly difficult but here is what is said about her:

"Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" Luke 1:45

I found little joy in those days. I certainly didn't experience the kind of hope and joy that should come with Christmas, and I suspect that many who read this blog are also feeling that loneliness this holiday season. I was never sure if I could count on the promises made by my husband but I knew that I could always count on the promises made by God. His promises are to prosper me, to give me hope, to give me a future, to proved and care for me, and to give me strength in my weakness. And he has the same promises for you. 

As we approach Christmas I pray that you will be called blessed and that you will have faith and hope in the Lord believing that He will fulfill His promises to you.

Merry Christmas!

Nicole

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the offense didn’t happen; it means you are choosing to release the offender from the debt owed to you.

Forgiveness really isn’t for the offender as much as it is for us.  When we choose to forgive an offender; an un-repentant offender at that, we are the ones who walk in victory over the offense.  Forgiveness is necessary in order to bear our own fruit which we know comes from the Spirit of God.  See Galatians 5:22-23.

I love this quote from George Herbert on forgiveness: "He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if
he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."

Forgiving someone often doesn't come overnight- however, if we are faithful to seek God in this, He will be faithful to deliver.  We must also renew our minds daily by the washing of the Word as instructed in Romans 12:2. This is crucial because when we have been hurt and or wounded it is so easy to follow the way of the world which would include revenge and retaliation.

During this time I heard from many people that recovery was a process. I hated hearing that. I was looking for instant healing. What I learned is that God uses the process to both refine us and reveal his glory to us and to others. I learned that when you submit to the process, as difficult as that may be, you make room for God to move in your experience. 

In the beginning I fought against the process. If that's where you are now this passage in John 9 may be helpful to you. I know it was for me. 

John 9 1-11 reads: 1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”3″Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. 4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” 6Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. 7″Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. 8His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, “Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?”9Some claimed that he was. Others said, “No, he only looks like him.” But he himself insisted, “I am the man.”10″How then were your eyes opened?” they demanded.11He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.”

In this passage there is a man who is blind, living in darkness, who has been reduced to begging in the streets in order to get by. His condition was keeping him from fully experiencing life. That is until Jesus showed up on the scene. There is record of one miracle after another taking place in the gospels. Most of the time they are healing miracles and most of those occur instantly as Jesus commands it. When Jesus demonstrates his miraculous power the dead are raised, the multitudes are fed, the seas are calmed, demons are cast out, and the sick are healed. Instantly. And all it takes is the touch of his hand or the sound of his voice.

This passage is different. Jesus doesn’t instantly heal the blind man – and obviously he could have. Instead he makes a paste of mud and spit and places it over his eyes. Then he tells him to go wash in a pool and He (Jesus) exits the story. Why did Jesus go through this when he could have instantly healed him? Part of me thinks the He wanted the blind man to walk through the process of finding healing. A few chapters earlier there was another man who needed healing. That man told Jesus that he had been waiting by a pool for a long time but no one would carry him in so he could be healed. No one would do the hard work for him.

The blind man could have done the same thing. Because Jesus didn’t instantly heal him he could have sat where he was with mud in his eyes – blind to the world. Instead he accepted what Jesus had given him (spit and dirt!) and did the hard work. The blind man took what little bit of muddy hope Jesus had given him, followed His directions, and stumbled through the darkness to the place of healing. There is something to be said for submitting to the process.

As we have moved through the process we have encountered our share of skeptics. Just like the neighbors who question the healing miracle in this passage we have had people questioning what they have seen in our marriage and what they have seen in my husband. They have wondered if he is really repentant. Did God really deliver him? Is God really healing him and our marriage? Are we just being naive? Some of those comments sound exactly like the ones in verses 8-10. Isn’t this the man who was given into sexual sin? (or “isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?” v.8), He can’t really be repentant, he is just putting on appearances (or “No, he only looks like him” v.9). How can someone truly recover from that severe a sin (or “How then were your eyes opened” v.10).

I love how the blind man responds to all of the questions. “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see” (v.11). In other words, he took what Jesus gave him, followed His direction, and submitted to the process. No instant healing just blind faith and obedience.

We have been on the long, hard road to healing and have been committed to the process. The redemptive process that we are invited into is real. And so is the forgiveness. My husband and I know what it’s like to be handed mud and still follow in blind faith. Ours hasn’t been an instant miracle, but it is a miracle none the less.