I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

If you have ever loved an addict you know what it feels like to be a catcher in the rye. You know what it feels like to have a bunch of people running around you; spouse, kids, extended family members, coworkers, friends – what feels like thousands of people playing near a big, crazy cliff. You know what it feels like to think your job is to catch anyone or anything that may fall over the edge.

You know what it’s like to believe that you are responsible for other people’s behavior.

And if you’ve ever loved an addict you also know that recovery is a very delicate, fragile thing. It’s a process with ups and downs and good days and bad days. And we’ve had some really bad days. The kind of days that make you reexamine priorities and decisions. The kind of days that can make you second guess yourself (and maybe even lose faith if you aren’t careful). I have watched my husband move to the edge of the cliff. And I have watched him make his way back.

For me, these are the days when I find myself standing in the rye once again.

I talk a lot about my recovery from codependency and the freedom that comes when you no longer feel the burden to catch someone going over a cliff. Standing in the rye puts that to the test. It is really, really hard to watch someone you love dance near the edge and have to resist the urge to do things that you think will guard him from it. It’s hard for me to watch my husband struggle with limits and boundaries, to see him lose his balance. It’s especially hard to watch someone you love fall. But, it’s been incredibly refreshing for me to know that I’m not responsible for what someone else does. I am only responsible for me.

It’s freeing to know that no matter how close to the edge my husband gets, I will be ok.

Do you think porn has affected the people around you?

And all the wives shout: YES!

My husband's addiction has certainly affected me and our entire family. It has affected our marriage, our finances, and our relationships with family members and friends. And it has changed me. At first in devastating ways, such as tearing apart my self esteem, challenging my faith, and isolating me me from people I love. Eventually, our recovery began to change me too. I've learned to love myself. My relationship with God has been transformed, renewed, and strengthened. And I have come to a place where our marriage, with all of its struggles and imperfections, continues to inch closer to resembling what God intended it to be. With recovery I have found hope.

Over the years I've learned that we, as wives, share such similar experiences. While the details of our stories may differ, the themes are so often the same: pain, anger, resentment, distrust, loneliness, grief, confusion. If your husband's relationship with pornography has affected you in any of those ways, I hope you will join me here on April 5th for the next X3 Live event. At 6:00 PM Pacific time we'll be playing a video of me sharing my story and answering some of the common questions women ask. Craig Gross and I will also be taking your questions in the live chat. 

If you have questions that you would like to have answered, leave them in the comments. Husbands are welcome to leave their questions too. I'll try to answer as many as I can. 

See you then!

Nicole WIck/Craig Gross @ XXXChurch Headquarters

Monday, April 5th

6:00 PM to 7:00 PM PST

Watch live on xxxchurch.com

    20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

    23 The man said,
           "This is now bone of my bones
           and flesh of my flesh;
           she shall be called 'woman,'
           for she was taken out of man."

    24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

When the truth of my husbands sexual addiction came to light I believed that we would never get back to the type of connectedness that God had intended. I felt so vulnerable and exposed. WIth each confession I felt less and less a part of him and more and more alone. If you would have asked me then, I would have told you that things would never be the same. How could I ever trust this man again? How could I ever feel that I was one with him like I did in the beginning. In our beginning. I was convinced that the marriage plan that God created in Genesis 2:24 had never been intended for me.

Shortly into our recovery process I started to experience a little bit of hope. As my husband began to make amends and became honest and accountable I started to wonder if our marriage could get back to where it had been. Would we ever have what God intended in the beginning? As I struggled with whether God could pull off this kind of miracle I started to pray Genesis 2:25 everyday. "The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame."

As I prayed this verse over and over God showed me that it is about more than being ok in front of each other without our clothes on (which I will say was very difficult for me at that time). What he showed me is that his intention was for us to be bare before each other. Completely transparent. Totally vulnerable. Without secrets and without shame. I began to earnestly pray that we would get to a place where we no longer had anything to hide. That we would get to a place of honestly and trust as God had intended. That we could be naked and feel no shame.

Three years later my husband and I are still a work in progress. But, we are so much further than I ever dreamed we would be. If you are on this journey with me my message for you is that there is hope. Hold on to it. My prayer for you is that you will once again have a marriage relationship that is naked and without shame. As it was in the beginning.

Early on, when my husband was struggling to find sobriety and I was struggling to find answers, my insecurities often got the best of me, and I answered the “why porn” question with things like: my sex drive is too low, I need to lose weight, because I’m just not enough. I came up with countless reasons that his addiction to porn could be about me or my appearance. But as we walked through the process together, through what Zechariah describes as a refining fire, I continued to call on the Lord and seek His answers and His truth.

What I discovered is that the answer to the “why porn” question has a lot more to do with him than it does with me. Porn is really about something so much deeper. It’s about fears, insecurities, pain, and a million other things that develop from a desperation to feel whole. It’s really about things that I didn’t cause or perpetuate.

The idea that the answer to the “why porn” question had nothing to do with me was very difficult for me to accept at first. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if deep down I preferred that it be about me. When, in my head, “why porn” was about me or my appearance, I could control it. And believe me, I like to be in control. Accepting that it wasn’t about me equaled accepting that I couldn’t control the outcome. I’m as powerless over his addiction as he is. I couldn’t make it stop. 

Twelve step groups always say that an addict is powerless over the addiction, and that admitting that is the first step to recovery. I had to admit that I was powerless, too. Thankfully, our God sees, all, knows, and controls all. He is not powerless, and for my husband and I, submitting to Him and surrendering all of our reasons for “why porn” has been one of the greatest things we have ever done. 

I’m praying that today we all have faith to surrender all of our “why porn” questions to the only one who has the answers. 

I have changed so much over the past ten years. I'm not the same woman I was, or the same wife, or the same mom. I've learned hard lessons and experienced hard losses, but looking back all of those hurts and pains have helped make me the person that I am now. A better woman, a better wife, a better mom. None of them were lessons that I asked for or wanted, but here I am. I survived them. 

Ecclesiastes 3:9 says, "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

There were a lot of long, hard years for us over the past decade. At the time, I would have called them anything but beautiful. Miserable would have felt like a more accurate description. Looking back at the entire scope of these ten years, I can see how beautiful the pain and love and hard work were. I can see what a gift they were. 

Each year has 365 days. If you are starting the new year and are in a dark phase in your marriage, remember  - a year is only 365 days, God will see you through them. If you are starting the new year feeling redeemed in your marriage, remember - a year is only 365 days, use them. 

I'm not sure what the the new year will bring for you or for me, but I'm sure that God will use all these next 365 short days (the good ones and the bad ones) as part of His glorious plan. And I am sure that in time you will see the beauty in all of them. 

Typically when we think of Christmas and Advent we think about the birth of child and the good news of a Savior. It was comforting to see that this season is also about a marriage that was strained and renewed. Mary had to tell her fiance that she was carrying a child that was not his. Her situation was certainly difficult but here is what is said about her:

"Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" Luke 1:45

I found little joy in those days. I certainly didn't experience the kind of hope and joy that should come with Christmas, and I suspect that many who read this blog are also feeling that loneliness this holiday season. I was never sure if I could count on the promises made by my husband but I knew that I could always count on the promises made by God. His promises are to prosper me, to give me hope, to give me a future, to proved and care for me, and to give me strength in my weakness. And he has the same promises for you. 

As we approach Christmas I pray that you will be called blessed and that you will have faith and hope in the Lord believing that He will fulfill His promises to you.

Merry Christmas!

Nicole

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the offense didn’t happen; it means you are choosing to release the offender from the debt owed to you.

Forgiveness really isn’t for the offender as much as it is for us.  When we choose to forgive an offender; an un-repentant offender at that, we are the ones who walk in victory over the offense.  Forgiveness is necessary in order to bear our own fruit which we know comes from the Spirit of God.  See Galatians 5:22-23.

I love this quote from George Herbert on forgiveness: "He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if
he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."

Forgiving someone often doesn't come overnight- however, if we are faithful to seek God in this, He will be faithful to deliver.  We must also renew our minds daily by the washing of the Word as instructed in Romans 12:2. This is crucial because when we have been hurt and or wounded it is so easy to follow the way of the world which would include revenge and retaliation.

During this time I heard from many people that recovery was a process. I hated hearing that. I was looking for instant healing. What I learned is that God uses the process to both refine us and reveal his glory to us and to others. I learned that when you submit to the process, as difficult as that may be, you make room for God to move in your experience. 

In the beginning I fought against the process. If that's where you are now this passage in John 9 may be helpful to you. I know it was for me. 

John 9 1-11 reads: 1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”3″Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. 4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” 6Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. 7″Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. 8His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, “Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?”9Some claimed that he was. Others said, “No, he only looks like him.” But he himself insisted, “I am the man.”10″How then were your eyes opened?” they demanded.11He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.”

In this passage there is a man who is blind, living in darkness, who has been reduced to begging in the streets in order to get by. His condition was keeping him from fully experiencing life. That is until Jesus showed up on the scene. There is record of one miracle after another taking place in the gospels. Most of the time they are healing miracles and most of those occur instantly as Jesus commands it. When Jesus demonstrates his miraculous power the dead are raised, the multitudes are fed, the seas are calmed, demons are cast out, and the sick are healed. Instantly. And all it takes is the touch of his hand or the sound of his voice.

This passage is different. Jesus doesn’t instantly heal the blind man – and obviously he could have. Instead he makes a paste of mud and spit and places it over his eyes. Then he tells him to go wash in a pool and He (Jesus) exits the story. Why did Jesus go through this when he could have instantly healed him? Part of me thinks the He wanted the blind man to walk through the process of finding healing. A few chapters earlier there was another man who needed healing. That man told Jesus that he had been waiting by a pool for a long time but no one would carry him in so he could be healed. No one would do the hard work for him.

The blind man could have done the same thing. Because Jesus didn’t instantly heal him he could have sat where he was with mud in his eyes – blind to the world. Instead he accepted what Jesus had given him (spit and dirt!) and did the hard work. The blind man took what little bit of muddy hope Jesus had given him, followed His directions, and stumbled through the darkness to the place of healing. There is something to be said for submitting to the process.

As we have moved through the process we have encountered our share of skeptics. Just like the neighbors who question the healing miracle in this passage we have had people questioning what they have seen in our marriage and what they have seen in my husband. They have wondered if he is really repentant. Did God really deliver him? Is God really healing him and our marriage? Are we just being naive? Some of those comments sound exactly like the ones in verses 8-10. Isn’t this the man who was given into sexual sin? (or “isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?” v.8), He can’t really be repentant, he is just putting on appearances (or “No, he only looks like him” v.9). How can someone truly recover from that severe a sin (or “How then were your eyes opened” v.10).

I love how the blind man responds to all of the questions. “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see” (v.11). In other words, he took what Jesus gave him, followed His direction, and submitted to the process. No instant healing just blind faith and obedience.

We have been on the long, hard road to healing and have been committed to the process. The redemptive process that we are invited into is real. And so is the forgiveness. My husband and I know what it’s like to be handed mud and still follow in blind faith. Ours hasn’t been an instant miracle, but it is a miracle none the less. 

This blog is from the website of porntopurity.com

Today is Thanksgiving in the States. A day for eating turkey, watching American football, and most importantly for reflecting on all that we are thankful for. I am thankful for so many things, but I am especially thankful for my husband, who has embraced the recovery journey and for the God who has seen us through it. 

I remember years when we were struggling to keep our marriage together and to understand the terrible addiction that was threatening to tear us apart. If you are experiencing that struggle in your marriage this Thanksgiving I would like to share this verse with you, a verse that I held on to when I felt we had little to be thankful for and lots to fear. 

Psalm 75:1 "We give thanks to you, O God, we give thanks for your name is near; men tell of your wonderful deeds" (NIV).

I love this verse because it doesn't promise an instant miracle or suggest that we will never experience pain. It simply reminds us that God is always near. 

When we were in the midst of active addiction, there were many days when I wanted to give up on God. In fact, I'm sure there were a few really bad days when I probably did. I would wonder how God could allow this in our marriage, how God could permit such pain in my heart, and how God could be present when I felt so completely alone. If you are feeling this way, be encouraged and give thanks, for God is near. Even when you can't feel Him or see Him or hear His voice, find peace in knowing that He is near. He promises to never leave you or forsake you, and His light always shines upon you even in the dark moments of your life. 

The past ten years with my husband have been rocky at best, but we have come to understand a kind of healing and rest that a few years ago I never would have dreamed were possible. I am thankful today that I can tell of His wonderful deeds. He has blessed us, and we are thankful. 

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!

From our friends at Porn to Purity Thank you for this great blog.

www.porntopurity.com

We all have a story. I do, you do, my weird neighbor who shovels the snow off of his lawn does – we all have a story. Over the years I have become very comfortable sharing our story of sexual addiction; the story of my husband's transgressions, my responses, and God's grace. I didn’t used to be comfortable sharing our story. I thought that my story, the story of a sex addict's wife, was dark and ugly. It scared me. Not only did it scare me, but I was sure it would scare others too. Rather than share my real story, my authentic story, I recreated one that I thought people would like better. One that would make people like me better. I became a living, breathing, in the flesh Pick-A-Path book.

Do you remember those? Each story had multiple endings, and the outcome of the story depended on the decisions that you chose for the main character at different points in the book. I loved them. As I moved through the early years of our marriage I would pause at all of my critical decision points trying to decide which path to take. Should I be true to myself and the life, family, and circumstances that God had given me by revealing to others the painful addiction that was infecting our lives? Or should I pick a different path – an alternate ending? The choice was usually quite simple: I wanted a different story. Frankly, I wanted someone else’s story, and at each of those decision points I would hold my breath, turn the page and step away from my adventure and into my fantasy. In the fantasy, I would be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, and the perfect woman in the perfect marriage, and in the perfect church. I picked the path that would allow me to hide abandonment, addiction, betrayal and all of the other parts of my story that I believed were ugly and unflattering. I hid what was really happening out of fear and obligation while pretending that my marriage was ok. 

Somewhere along the way, my perception of my story changed. It wasn’t the result of an altar call or flashing lights or tragedy. I think it was just the stuff of life — the process, if you will. We decided to share our story with a few trusted people, and when that went well we shared with a few more. Then something crazy started to happen, other authentic people started sharing their lives with us, and the paths they picked — paths full of hurt, addiction, broken marriages, restoration, reconciliation, and rejoicing — weren’t ugly or scary. They were vibrant and beautiful narratives that made my fake, paper doll life look flat and boring. When we opened ourselves to other people's stories and allowed them to hear ours I could feel my story beginning to change and become re-formed. I started to see what the Spirt could do in authentic community. It changes lives and gives voice to our stories.

I was having a conversation about this with a good friend the other night, a friend whose honesty and boldness encourages me more then she knows, and she reminded me of a verse that I had forgotten. The first part of Revelation 12:11 reads; "They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." What an amazing reminder for those of us who struggle with sharing the truth of our experiences with others. The only things strong enough to overcome the enemy are the blood of Jesus and our personal testimony. There is so much power in our experience when we share our story with others. Tonight I pray that each of us, as wives on this journey, would know the power of our story and that we would have at least one person in our lives to share it with. 

Like Abraham, may I not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but let me be strengthened in my faith and give glory to God, being fully persuaded that God is able to do what He has promised.  (Romans 4:20-21)

May I rejoice in my tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into my heart through the Holy Spirit who was given to me.  (Romans 5:3-5)

I died to sin; how can I live in it any longer?  (Romans 6:2)

All of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death.  I was therefore buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so I too may walk in newness of life.  (Romans 6:3-4)

I know that my old self was crucified with Christ, so that the body of sin might be done away with, that I should no longer be a slave to sin; for the one who has died has been freed from sin.  (Romans 6:6-7)

If I died with Christ, I believe that I will also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, cannot die again; death no longer has dominion over Him.  For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God.  In the same way, may I consider myself to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.  (Romans 6:8-11)

I will not let sin reign in my mortal body that I should obey its lusts.  Nor will I present the members of my body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but I will present myself to God as one who is alive from the dead and my members as instruments of righteousness to God.  (Romans 6:12-13)

Just as I presented the members of my body as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing lawlessness, so I now present my members as slaves to righteousness, leading to holiness.  (Romans 6:19)

Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh; but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.  The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace.  (Romans 8:5-6)

If I live according to the flesh, I will die; but if by the Spirit I put to death the deeds of the body, I will live.  For those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  (Romans 8:13-14)

======================================================================================

Hold on through the hope of God.

Wives, this doesn't mean you can't separate for a season if you have tried to no avail to stand in the gap, to wait on God, to love and forgive while you waited for the fruit of repentance to appear. I would not recommend it lightly.  I would not recommend it as pay back or punishment etc.  I would only recommend it with a multitude of godly counsel after much prayer.

My husband and I separated for almost two years and have just recently reconciled.  I've shared my story openly through this blog as well as at Porn and Pastries events through the ministry of XXXChurch.  The two years apart were not easy but neither were the years of being in a marriage where consistent pornography use and deception was the norm.

I know what it is like to be tired, weary, rejected, angry, devastated, frustrated, anxious and worried.  I know what it is like to regret the past and fear the future. I also know what it is like to be so broken that it brings you the closest to God you have ever known. I have been on and off the roller coaster more times than I want to count- but I have also experienced a peace in the midst of the storm that surpasses all understanding.  IF you are willing and will allow God to use this to refine you, He will.  Most of us don't want to stand in the fire long enough to be refined.  Most of us think we're so miserable because of our spouses sin.  Most of us don't realize that if we were so enamored with God and His truth our husband's would look different to us regardless of what they are buying into.  Most of us get so caught up in the pain that we want to abort the journey.  You can be whole and healthy regardless of what your husband chooses and you don't have to divorce him to arrive at that place.

While every situation and marriage is different,  I want to encourage you (no matter where you are in and on the journey) to STAND.   Stand with God.  Believe GOD.  Resist the world's influence and opinion and truly seek the heart of GOD for direction.  Stay in His word daily, and when you least feel like praying... pray.

There is hope for there is not one person on the face of the earth that GOD's arm is too short to reach!  Ask God to give you a new heart while you're asking Him to give one to your husband (boyfriend/fiance) and while you are praying for your spouses eyes- pray for your own.  Ask God to help you see him the way that Jesus sees him.

When a husband takes a second or third glance at women in public, looks intently at women on magazine covers, views pornography, checks out dating sites, and or has an extramarital affair we are left feeling like we just don't measure up and sadly more often than not a wife feels as if somehow this is her fault.

That is a lie.   The truth lies in her husband's heart condition.  His heart is not right with his maker. This has nothing to do with the wife yet often she finds herself thinking that if only she was thinner, prettier, smarter, her teeth were straight or whiter, her hair a different shade or longer or shorter, her attributes more 'fine tuned' with a nip here, a tuck there and an augment you know where then things would be different.  Surely then he would not need to look elsewhere.

I have been guilty of this mindset.  I have been known to shop for specific outfits or shoes that I knew would please my husband, yoyo diet to win his affection, and even change my hair color or style to give him a variety of looks.   Now I am not saying that we shouldn't take into consideration what our husband's would like or that we shouldn't try to dress or look nice for him- I am saying that when our motive for doing so is to win him over as if we are in competition with the world then there is a problem because that heart motive will only leave us sadly disappointed and even more frustrated than before.  I suggest if you are struggling in this area that you do some self evaluation as recommended in 2Corinthians 13:5 to see if your heart motives are motivated by the Lord or are influenced by the world.

The world tells us through ads, commercials, magazine covers, catalogs, pornography, television, movies, highway billboards, books and more that image is everything.  If we saturate ourselves in those things (husband's this is for you, too) we will believe or be influenced by the world.  If we want to be transformed into God's image and believe Him at His word for who He says we are then we must saturate ourselves with the Truth of His word.  When we are consumed with the world, we are blinded by the world but the word says this in 2Corinthians 3:16 "but whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away."  This tells me that GOD will open my eyes to His truth and renew my mind!  That is encouraging! So, what does God say to us?  Well, he says a lot, but specifically I want to share with you what He says about how He looks upon us and how that differs from how man looks upon us.  In 1Samuel 16:7 the second half of this verse says this: "...for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." Then in 2Corinthians 3:11 He says this: "For if that which fades away was with glory, much more that which remains is in glory." Lastly; let us not forget that image and even beauty of this world fades as 2Corinthians 4:16 reminds us: "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day."

So?  What now? How do we begin to believe the truth about who we are and begin to break down the wall of lies that have shaped us for so long? We can start by searching God's word on who we are and how He sees us.  After all, shouldn't He be the Author of what matters to us?

• "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house, The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." -Psalm 45:10-11

•  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb; I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:13-14

• "Then your fame went forth among the nations on account of your beauty, for it was perfect because of My splendor which I bestowed on you," declares the Lord GOD.-Ezekiel 16:14
  

•   "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all." Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.-Proverbs 31:29-30

•   "You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.  You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon." -Song of Solomon 4:9,15
  

 There are so many more truths and promises in God's word for you.  Delight yourself in His word.  He wants to set you free from the bondage of the lies you have believed.  He has so much to say to you. YOU are beautiful because GOD made you beautiful. No one can take that from you. If your husband doesn't see you with the eyes of Christ it will not matter what your outer appearance ever looks like for he will not know you as you are. 

I want to leave you today with a link to a video that I put on the P4P myspace page.  I think every woman needs to hear what Lindsey Kane has on her heart about the beauty of a woman.  Measure of Beauty.

My prayer for you is that your eyes will be opened to what a beautiful and unique woman you are.  That you will truly believe you were hand made by God of the Universe and He has a plan and a purpose for your life that can not be defined by what any person here on earth thinks or sees you as.  No one can hinder your ability to walk in the fullness of God for your life... no one but you, of course.  Stop believing the world and start believing God!

Most of the guys that I knew at my secular college viewed pornography openly. It was at countless college parties and joked about with friends like it was the punch line of a joke. I don't remember porn ever bring treated like the threat that it is so I never really viewed it as one. With this naive view of porn I wasn't very surprised when pornography made it's way into our marriage on our honeymoon. I was only 25 years old and I honestly thought that this is just what men do.

We continued to occasionally view pornography together and while it was somewhat uncomfortable at first I figured that as long as we are viewing it together it would be alright. If fact there were times when I even found some of the images exciting. About six months into our marriage I discovered that my husband was viewing pornography on his own. I found a magazine in his desk drawer and I felt very hurt, very angry, and very betrayed. My husband told me he was very sorry and that he would never view porn again. And I believed him. 

Only a few months had passed before I found adult websites on his computer history. That was when I realized that this was actually a problem. That was the point when he admitted that he had an addiction to pornography and confessed that he had been using it regularly for years. That was also the point when my illusion that this is something "natural" that all men do was shattered. He and I yelled, cried, made promises to get help, and started to move though the initial stages of the recovery process. 

In those first months of confession and recovery I carried a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I constantly asked myself questions about my role in his viewing porn. If I hadn't allowed it in our bedroom would it have come to this? Was watching porn together the same as giving permission? Since I allowed it was I just as guilty? If I hadn't allowed it could I have stopped this or prevented it from happening? These questions were always running through my head. At their core these questions really boiled down to one thing: Is this my fault?

As I asked myself these questions and replayed all of the events of our first year of marriage I began to feel an overwhelming shame for what I had done. The guilty assumption that I had caused this began to eat away at me. It didn't take long for me to plug into a few good supports who had been down this road before me and spoke truth and healing into my experience. What I came to understand is that there is no condemnation for me in Christ Jesus - my part in our sin was forgiven. Most importantly, I learned and accepted that his addiction was not my fault. Let me say that again: It's - not - my - fault. It's not your fault. Even if you have passively given permission, missed signs, or looked the other way you did not cause this and you could not have prevented it. 

If you have been struggling with guilt or shame associated with your husband's addiction there is hope. There is hope and power in our weakness (2 Corinthians 9). His grace is sufficient to cover your guilt, your shame, and your hurt. 

This journey began just over 7 years ago.  To some that is still the honeymoon period- to us it has been a long and very windy road.   A lot of the journey documented in journals, late night phone calls and yes even these blogs.  

I knew 6 years ago that the Lord said He would heal my husband- deliver him from his heart of stone and give him a new one (Ezekiel 11:19 & Ezekiel 36:26) but what I didn't know was how grueling the next 6 years would be.  There were moments and even months that I would forget what God had promised or I would second guess it- assuming I had created it in my head.  There was no evidence in the natural of any shifting or change of heart....at least nothing that remained visible to the eye.

I always knew I would "know" in my heart- but because I never knew in my heart with each passing year, I became more discouraged.   The Lord however was always faithful to reel me in and give me a reality check on my own heart condition, a condition that needed Him more than ever, a condition that just like my husband's needed change and growth.  I am thankful that I cooperated with the process because it would have been far easier to wander off the path of obedience because obedience is sometimes very painful and especially if others don't understand why you would "put yourself through such agony by hanging in there if even from a distance".  I didn't always do it cheerfully or even triumphantly but I did it.  I pressed in and I clung to the scriptures to the best of my ability.

My closest friends and even some family members moved on and that was extremely painful.  Not necessarily abnormal, but yes, extremely painful to watch other's lives "go on" as yours sits in the furnace being scorched beyond recognition and you have no idea what to do with what remains and is known as the ash heap.  

I cried many nights...and days.  I fought relentlessly to offer up disdained thoughts and broken dreams to the Lord to be purified and made new.   I battled staring at couples who held hands, laughed and openly swooned at one another.  I dodged the fiery darts of temptation to covet the good things the Lord was doing in the lives of those I loved and even those I didn't know. There were many days, weeks, months of imbalance, injustice, heartbreak, ache and scorn.   

Oh the many seasons that came and went, came and went.  Jesus was with me through every one of them- whether I was submitting to the process or not.  He held my hand when no one else was there to do so. He spoke to me through nature and strangers and those I love.  He wiped my tears and He held me close at night.  He truly has been my all in all.  I realize that to those who do not have a relationship with God this seems strange but I tell you- it is what kept me going.

Early last month my mother became ill.  She was suddenly hospitalized due to lack of oxygen to her heart.  She had a heart catheterization, a stent put in and is doing remarkably well now but during this time something happened with my husband. Well actually it had been happening but because we've been legally separated and had spent little time together,  I was not aware of all that God was doing in his heart along the way.  You see, I like most in this situation tended to be devastated by the "failures" that my eyes (and heart) were not always able to see beyond them.  BUT GOD SEES THE HEART.  And God can move on another's heart to see things that they wouldn't normally see.   When my mother became ill, I needed to leave town immediately.  I called my husband to ask him to come stay with our four dogs because obviously I could not take them with me.   I was taken back by his countenance- his voice- his being.  I cannot put it into words- but I'm telling you--- a wife knows when she knows.  I have seen this man at different stages throughout the years and when I tell you my spirit was bearing witness to something even I could not explain or understand, I am serious.   I have seen glimpses of this in the past because I did have the ability to see who my husband was in God but this... this is just indescribable.  

To those who have never been joined to someone enslaved and driven by sin you wouldn't understand- but to someone who has, you just know.  There is a joy present in my husband that was previously non-existent.  There is a zeal and a vision and a declaration of purpose.  There is a love for the Lord and His Word and he is embracing simple truths like a child. There is a hunger for righteousness and a desire to prove his repentance by bearing fruit that will remain. There is a seriousness of the reality of what has gone on and a desire to turn that around no matter what that entails. There is a demonstration of daily prayer and daily Bible study.  There is an outward manifestation of an inward change.

My wedding rings have not been on my hand for over a year- not because we were separated but because two prongs on two of my diamonds were broken.  For whatever reason I grabbed my disabled rings (a true representation of what our marriage has been) when I headed to my mother's.  Several days after my mother was released from the hospital I took my rings to a man who had been my jeweler for many years when I had resided there.  What I was not prepared for was what would happen the day I picked them up.   I walked in and he said "Michelle, you are going to love what I have done."  I thought "yeah-OK"...he handed me the rings and I could not believe my eyes.  Then he said "you're rings have been totally restored."  He showed me the things that were repaired in addition to the two broken prongs (all the prongs needed replacing) and then he said "turn it over".   I was baffled.  I turned the ring over and underneath the ring stood out as if a spot light were beaming on it. I will try to describe in typed words:  Three gold "stitches" (for better lack of words) that sat vertically on top of the three bands of gold that belong to my engagement and wedding rings.  He then said "Do you see what I have done?  You only had two chords here and I have added a third in the center.  This will bring more security and stability"   WHOA!  Did you get that??!!! Right out of Scripture! Three chords is not easily broken!!!

Ecclesiastes 4:12:  "And one standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer; three is even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

The Lord was clearly showing me the most important part of marriage: God at the center (and at the center He is)! Needless to say, I could not hold back the tears.  I couldn't wait to get to the car to call my husband and tell him what had just happened.  I was even more floored when he told me that he had been looking for my wedding rings because he had just gotten a bonus from work and felt like the Lord was suggesting he use the money to fix my wedding rings!!!  Guess how much the bonus was for?  You guessed it- just enough to cover the cost of the "restoration" of my wedding rings.

Now I am not saying that you have to have outwardly signs like this with my rings to know that GOD is at work but it sure is awesome when He does stuff like this!  The outward demonstration of an inner heart change is more than sufficient- this was just a "bonus".

It is very soon to know what the future holds but as a dear friend recently advised- just rejoice in this season- don't doubt or wait for the bottom to fall out- just rejoice!   I am rejoicing today. Oh... and my husband joined a new church and immediately sought counsel on everything... tomorrow we are meeting with the elders of his church who will being praying over us for the restoration of our marriage. God is good. I will leave you with this:

Luke 15 - The Lost Sheep

Now all the tax collectors and the sinners were coming near Him to listen to Him. Both the Pharisees and the scribes began to grumble, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them." So He told them this parable, saying, "What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!' I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance".

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? I have. It feels like trying to breathe under water. The air is thick and heavy and your pulse races like you are running up hill in the rain. It’s miserable. And it’s powerful. In all the years that my husband was engaging in his addiction to pornography I had many of these anxiety filled moments. I had them if something showed up on the internet, if I found a strange number on his phone, I even had them when I got tired and went to bed before he did leaving him alone with the television or the computer - items which had become as dangerous and deadly as poison in my eyes. According to this verse these anxieties of life are powerful enough to distract you from things that are going on in the world. Big things, things like wars, persecution, and natural disasters. Judging from my past experiences I believe it. In verse 34 Jesus lists anxiety as one of three things with enough strength to pull our attention away from His signs if we aren’t careful.

My husband and I have experienced many ups and downs with his addiction and recovery. I’ve learned that the things that fuel the addictive cycle are the things listed in verse 34; dissipation (or self indulgence), drunkenness (or gluttony), and anxieties (or life stresses). We’ve seen these things have so much power and influence in our family that they have distracted us from all of the important things that are happening in our world right now like family, work, and friendships. This addiction to pornography has cost us financial security, trust, friendships, family relationships, respect, and at times I had wondered if it might be costing me my sanity. 

As we’ve moved through this journey of recover it has been unbelievable to me to think that these catalysts could be strong enough to pull someone’s attention away from what is important in this life. I couldn't believe some of the things that my husband has sacrificed or jeopardized in order to feed this raging desire. I just didn't get it. I have spent many, many sleepless nights wondering how this could happen. How could someone risk it all for amounts to absolutely nothing. 

It’s a comfort for me to see that Jesus isn’t surprised. He knows how powerful these things are (powerful enough that they can pull your attention away from everything that is important) and gives us a cautious warning about it, "Be careful, or your hearts will be weighted down". As we have experienced recovery we have learned to be careful and to be watchful. We have learned ways to spot the signs of this addiction before the cycle starts. We have found good people, good groups, and good resources (like X3 Watch) to help up guard our hearts when we begin to feel them getting weighted down. 

It's been a while since the last time I've felt the painful truth of my husband's porn addiction close on me unexpectedly like a trap. Thankfully, a good deal of time has passed since the last time my heart was broken by the truth of my husband's betrayal. But, we are always careful, always watching. We know that the things that lead to temptation are always around us and we are always connected to good people who help us guard out hearts from being weighted down.

If you need some good supports check out X3 Pure, X3 Watch, and Every Man's Battle for help. 

My husband’s all time favorite movie is Rocky. He says that it’s not about the fight scenes. It’s not even about the scene where Rocky runs up the museum steps declaring victory. He says that the best part of the movie is near the end when Rocky tells Adrian that he knows he won’t win the big fight but he has to get in the ring and give it all he has anyway. He has to go the distance. My husband says that he can really identify with a guy who has given everything that he has to something and in his defeat comes to the end of himself. I can see how that appeals to him, it sounds like his story.

My husband has been on a journey of recovery from sex and alcohol addiction for many years. And I’ve been on that journey with him. We’ve tried to overcome these addictions through our own will, or by trying everything within our power to stop it. What we’ve learned is that for real recovery to happen you need to get to the end of yourself. You need to get to a place where you say, “I know I can’t do this by my own power or strength but I am going to go the distance anyway.”

I was thinking about all of this when I was reading John 11 recently. John 11:1-44 is all about Jesus’ friends Lazarus, Mary and Martha. In this passage Jesus receives word that his friend Lazarus is very ill. And as sick as Lazarus was, even to the point of death, Jesus chose not to go to him right away. The decision not to go really troubled Mary and Martha and I can relate with their struggle. In verses 21 and 32 both sisters tell Jesus that if he had come sooner their brother would not have died. As we have moved through the recovery process I have felt like Mary and Martha many times. In my distress I have cried out to God in anger, bitterness, frustration, and confusion. I have asked him “Where were you? Why weren’t you here with us? If you would have been here sooner you could have stopped this from happening to us.” In those times I have had to remind myself that Jesus is there all the time. He sees and he knows.

What’s been even more powerful and healing for me is knowing that, not only has he not abandoned us, he grieves over our situation with us. In verse 33 Jesus is upset when he sees Mary weeping. He is hurt by her pain. He has seen me weeping many, many times on this journey and he has counted every tear. In fact, when he sees the pain the we, his children, are in I believe that, just like in verse 35 he weeps too. God has never wanted a life of sin for any of us. And many of the choices that we have made for ourselves are not the choices that he wanted us to make. But when we make those bad decisions he is there with us, even if in our pain. Even when we can’t feel him. He knows, he sees, and he weeps.

I don’t know much about the movie Rocky but I do know that there is something to the idea that we need to come to the end of ourselves before we can see God do a life changing, life giving miracle in us. For Lazarus, he needed to experience death in order for others to see and experience the glory of God (v, 4, 40). I would say that the same has been true of our recovery journey. We have had to come to the end of ourselves before we could truly recover. My husband had to get to a place where he could abandon all of his own self will or self reliance and surrender completely to God. Like Lazarus, he had to have a death experience in order for God’s glory to be shown through him. Death to self, rebirth or recovery in Christ.

As I look back on our journey I can honestly say that none of it was fun. But I can also honestly say that all of this experience has been life giving. It’s not what I would have picked for myself but I am grateful for the experience. I have learned so much about myself, my past, my experiences, my family, and my faith. I’ve learned things that I don’t think I could have learned any other way.

As I re-read through this passage tonight I realized that John doesn’t tell us what Lazarus says when he comes out of the tomb after 4 days. I don’t think that he came out complaining. I can’t imagine that he said “Jesus, What is up with that? Where were you? Why did you let me die?” My bet is that he came out rejoicing and glorifying God. I think he was grateful for Jesus. Not grateful for the painful experience of death but grateful for the joyful experience of new life. We can relate to that too.

We have lived with the pain of sexual addiction in our household for many years. The process of recovery has been life giving and spiritually defining for both my husband and I. However, the road of recovery has been a long, narrow, rocky pathway full of peeks, valleys and sharp turns. I’ve learned that at it’s root addiction, any addiction, is an adulterous relationship with self desire. And that selfishness is a jealous, stubborn lover. 

While actively engaged in this relationship you lose all control over your body and your senses. This is what I was thinking about when I was reading about Jesus healing the paralytic, a man who has lost all control over his body. 

“17One day as he was teaching, Pharisees and teachers of the law, who had come from every village of Galilee and from Judea and Jerusalem, were sitting there. And the power of the Lord was present for him to heal the sick. 18Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. 19When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus” Luke 5:17-19

 In this passage the paralyzed man, the man who had lost total control of himself, clearly needs the healing power of Jesus. Despite any desire he may have to seek recovery from his affliction and forgiveness for his sin (v.20) he has become a prisoner to his body, locked in by his disease, unable to move past himself to the place of healing. I know this feeling, we have been there. 

Here’s the cool part. Jesus gives us the perfect illustration of the recovery process as he designed it. “Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus”. In all of our experience with addiction recovery the one thing that stands out over and over, in almost every addicts story is the thought that recovery is a puzzle to be solved alone. But Jesus shows us that healing comes when we share our burden with others and they draw along side us, leading us on the path to healing when we don’t have the ability to get there ourselves. I especially love the persistence and tenacity that these guys show in verse 19. Even though they are met by hurdles (it’s too crowded, I relapse, this guy is really heavy too carry, I relapse) they don’t give up until they are in the presence of the Lord. It is impossible to experience recovery alone.

Unfortunately, the shame of addiction locks people out. It actually repels help from the outside. While addiction is a lonely condition, recovery from addiction only happens within the context of community. It only happens when you are honest with others about the reality of your condition (you are paralyzed by the grip of addiction) and are ready to allow some really good guys in. Guys, or girls, who are strong enough in character to pick you up and not let go until you are in the presence of hope.

Husbands, don't struggle alone. There's help. Wives, you shouldn't struggle alone either. Don't allow the shame that you feel to keep you from seeking out others. We all need a little help carrying our mats.

Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

I felt inspired to write about guarding your heart (where it applies to someone you love) this week, but what I wanted to share I soon realized was going to take more time to research the Scriptures than I was actually prepared for tonight so it will have to wait until next weeks blog.  I did however remember this article from Shepherd Press and thought you would appreciate it as much as I did.   It is in response to the recent public confession of marital adultery by South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

Guard Your Heart; Love What is Truly Good

by Jay Younts

This post is a last minute addition to the series on Psalm 73. The absolute necessity of being able  trust God to define what is good for you has been painfully illustrated by the sad announcement of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's infidelity.  Sanford decided that his "good" was a relationship with a woman who was not his wife.  In his news conference, the governor appeared to struggle with giving up the "goodness" of his extra-marital relationship. Even though this relationship brought nothing but pain to his wife and children and dishonor to God, his struggle seemed to focus on how hard it was to end his adultery. Mark Sanford had defined good on his terms, not God's. The nearness of God was not his good.  The paragraphs that follow are from today's Shepherd Press Newsletter.  You can best guard your heart by defining good as the nearness of God.

"It began innocently." These words have been used by many to describe the beginning of some event that resulted in personal devastation. Most recently, these words were used by South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford at the press conference in which he described the events that led to unfaithfulness to his wife. Governor Sanford stated that he met his future lover innocently, with a note of irony. They had a conversation eight years ago in which he counseled her to stay with her husband and not divorce him. The Governor went on to say that emails followed that conversation, and they began to develop a remarkable friendship over the next eight years.

It began innocently. This phrase, however sincere, offered no protection for Mark Sanford, his family, or the woman he was trying to help. There is a reason that the Bible warns so strongly to guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 is emphatic:  Above all else guard your heart! None of our actions are truly neutral. Even when seeking to help this woman eight years ago, about an issue where he appeared to be well-intentioned, Governor Sanford did not guard his heart. He did not protect the intimacy of his marriage. How did he fail to guard his heart? He did not provide the accountability necessary to guard those close to him. He could have provided this woman with the name of a competent counselor. He could have brought his wife into the conversation right from the beginning. Instead, he chose to "help her" himself.

For all of you who are parents - please listen to Solomon's warning. For all of you who are parents in public service or ministry - please listen to Solomon's warning. Talking with another person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse about intimate relational issues, without open and immediate accountability, is dangerous. It is not innocent; it is a high risk activity. When there is open discussion of intimate relational details with someone, there is always the possibility of things going horribly wrong. Christians have an enemy who is like a lion looking to devour the foolish of heart. The flesh is deceitful and it is at war with the Spirit. It cannot be trusted. Governor Sanford went on to say that he and his future lover went on to develop a remarkable friendship over the next eight years. Sadly, what was remarkable about it was that the relationship led to full blown adultery. This friendship was built upon deceit and misplaced trust. As the governor said, his actions were first and foremost selfish.

Selfishness is not the path to guarding your heart. Self pity will not guard your heart. Enjoying conversations about intimate relational struggles, with a woman who is not your wife, is not guarding your heart. Rather, it is the precursor to disaster. God has provided the family and the church for protection for God's people. The marriage relationship must be guarded with relentless diligence. Don't have conversations that you cannot speak openly and freely about with your spouse. As soon as intimate issues come to the surface in such conversations, be like Joseph--flee!! Urge the other person to speak with someone who can truly, objectively help him or her. Many relational failures in the church community happen simply because hearts are not being faithfully protected. Trying to help someone else's marriage by talking privately with one of the spouses is asking for trouble.

Governor Sanford's affair is high profile. But sadly, thousands of low-profile marriages in the church are put at risk daily because hearts are not being guarded with fierceness. Learn the names of those in your church who are reliable counselors. When someone comes to you with marital troubles, immediately point them to these counselors. Then let them know you are informing your spouse of this conversation. Tell them that you will also encourage an elder or pastor to check up on them. Following this practice is an important, effective way to guard your heart. Please consider carefully Solomon's warning:

Above all else, guard your heart,  for it is the wellspring of life.