Craig shared Hebrews 13:5 in his message and it has been in my head ever since. “ “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” This is the only promise that we need to cling to and yet we so easily lose sight of it. No matter how much we have failed or abandoned God, He will not fail or abandon us. He is our rock on the hard days and there to pick us up when we fall. He is also there on our great days, rejoicing with us.

In Isaiah chapter 41, God makes a similar promise. “For I hold you by your right hand—I, the Lord your God. And I say to you ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.” This verse strikes me not only because of the comfort and encouragement it brings but because of who this verse is directly addressing and why. God is talking to the Israelites who have been wandering in the desert for years and continue to fail to follow God and realize what He has for them. They were blind, lost and wandering and yet God still promised that He would never fail or abandon them. This is a pretty heavy promise for a group of people who continued to fail. God could have easily turned His back and given up on them and yet He still was there and promised His presence and peace all along the way.

So with this promise that God will always be there and never fail us, why is it so easy to be consumed by loneliness? With amazing friends that surround and support me, why is it easy to be so lonely? I think the answer lies here: Satan. This is the one trick he can easily get away with and make me believe, especially as a woman who struggles with porn. It is so easy to get back into thinking that I am the only woman that struggles with this and I feel so alone. Thus begins the cycle of giving into my temptation, feeling guilty and alone and then giving in again. It is an ugly and vicious cycle that I sometimes can stop but other times nothing can seem to stop it.

So, here are a few steps I suggest you and I do the next time we feel alone before getting to the place where we give in to our temptation:

1)    Read and/or recite Hebrews 13:5 and assure yourself that God is right there and is not leaving. Lay these feelings of loneliness at the cross and rest in Him.
2)    Reach out to a friend. Give someone a call and just tell him or her that you need to talk or just be with someone. Don’t beg him or her for reassurance or praise; just be with him or her. This may just mean playing a game with him or her or going for a walk.
3)    Find something you enjoy (a hobby, craft, movie, etc) and do it! If you are still lonely, find a friend to join you in on the fun!
4)    Journal out your thoughts and specifically journal out a prayer and be raw and honest with God and your feelings. The more honest you are, the better it will feel and the more relief you will feel.

My prayer is that we can get farther away from feelings of loneliness and closer to feeling complete in Christ. He is all we need and He knows what is going to help and hinder us. We have to cling to Him and trust that He is there in the good times and the bad.

Adelaide Brown

I'm sure by now (if you've been even remotely following this page) that you know I have writings for days (LOL), but after reading an article last night, I decided to take a bit of time off from the blog devotionals and see if anyone had questions about sex/love/lust/relationships/covenant out there.  This is the reason why:

Yesterday, I read an article on Salon.com entitled, "What Is Sex?" It was about what ADULTS actually consider sex to be/not be and what I discovered made me feel a bit like when I am mentoring in high schools and juniors don't know what the word "exceptional" means. Like how could you NOT consider some of these acts to be sex?  I'll copy and paste an excerpt below so that you can get an idea of what I mean:

"The study, published in the February issue of the journal Sexual Health, randomly surveyed 486 adults, most of them heterosexual, between the ages of 18 and 96. They were asked the following question: 'Would you say you 'had sex' with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was [blank],' and then followed more than a dozen 'behavior specific items.' A press release reports that 'two out of ten people did not concur that penile-anal intercourse was sex, and three out of ten said 'no' to oral-genital activity, as did half of the respondents about manual-genital contact.' And, while 95 percent classified penile-vaginal penetration as sex (one has to wonder what does count for the remaining 5 percent), that number dropped to 89 percent in cases where the man doesn't ejaculate."

Are you serious? I mean, they must be because it's in a fairly reputable national magazine. But I must admit that as I continued reading all that came to mind (other than "That's crazy...so when people contract an STD from this "non-sex sex", I wonder what the "S" stands for-LOL) was the following two scriptures:

"There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body."---I Corinthians 6:16-20 (Message)

And, especially, Hosea 4:6 (NKJV):

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge."

And so, over the next few days, I'm curious to know if you have any serious questions, comments or concerns that we can biblically explore together in a way that will provide you with some greater clarity when it comes to this AWESOME gift known as sex and the CRAZY way(s) the Enemy (John 10:10) tries to attack it.

Looking forward to hearing from y'all.

Remember, knowledge---even and especially when it comes to sex---IS POWER...and POWERFUL!

Shellie

But today, at 2:46am in the morning, I am sending this lil' shout out, prayerfully, as a confirmation to some and an answer to others. This is specifically for women who may be undecided about a relational fork in their "heart road" to take.

If I've said it once, I've said it a trillion timeS: when it comes to the courtship movement surrounding Proverbs 18:22 ("He who findeth a wife finds a good thing and obtaineth favor from the Lord"), I really wish people would research the word "find" more often.  But more importantly, I wish more people would spend time in Genesis 2:18 where the Lord BROUGHT the Woman to Adam. Finding is cool and yes, if a man finds a wife, OF COURSE, because we are helpmates, he finds a good thing. Oh, but if we are BROUGHT, because that is how it was done in the "perfect world", that is far better.

Now if you read the Marriage Preparation series, then you are more than familiar with all that by now. This blog entry is actually about one particular angle of "brought". This is for the women who feel like the Lord is actually leading them to be, on some level, the initiators of the process and are wondering if it's right...since so many of us have been told that it's wrong.

Just for clarity's sake, I'm not talking about the desperate stalker chicks or seductresses. That's another blog entirely. I'm referring to the young women who are prayerful, who strive to live a life of holiness, who are single and there's something nagging at them to do something that just doesn't seem...traditional. To give a man a call. To invite him over for dinner. To make some kind of first move. I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Now this ain't no Cosmopolitan article. I don't feel led to give an "5 Steps to Get a Man" insights. You have your journey and I have mine. Each recipe is individualized. But if you are seeking clarity, I am going to make three brief recommendations:

1) Spend some time prayer journaling about the following passages for personal revelation: "Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it. You are all around me—in front and in back— and have put your hand on me. Your knowledge is amazing to me..." (Ps. 139:1-6-NCV) One of my absolute favorite scriptures is the Message Version of Proverbs 28:9, "God has no use for the prayers of the people who won't listen to him." Everything about you and your personality plays a part in your purpose. Even if you are driven, ambitious, tenacious...and what the "world" may call a bit "aggressive". And here's the thing: NO ONE KNOWS YOU OR YOUR FUTURE LIKE YOUR CREATOR DOES. Some of us in this life are "Rachel" (and had a man work for years to get us) and some of us are "Ruth" who...well...was seen by Boaz because she made herself known. They were both godly women. The formula was not the same but the results were somewhat similar...and actually when you think about it, Ruth probably got the better end of the deal (LOL). If you are in the beginnings stages of a relationship and you don't know what to do, wise counsel is cool, recommended even, but go to the Lord, the one who knows you and the person you are inquiring about FIRST. There's not nearly enough people providing prayer before counsel; who seek foresight before offering insight. Which leads me to #2.

2) Cop the book, "The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules" by Carolyn Custis James. One day, as I was in prayerful contemplation (borderline mild irritation) about what to do in my own journey as one of those driven, ambitious, tenacious, aggressive women, I was in a discount Christian bookstore and "came up on" this book for $6. IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE IN THE SENSE OF PROVIDING ME WITH PEACE. One day I just might write an entire book about it all, but let's just say that one day, a couple of years ago, the Holy Spirit (John 14:26) visited me and said, "I want you to write so-and-so a letter." That directive has rerouted me and my way of viewing relationships on so many levels. Ruth made bold moves, but the Lord was in on the plan. He knew her. He knew Boaz. He knew what it would take for them to come together. Tradition never trumps obedience. Get the book. Clarity is in it. Guaranteed.

3) Listen to the following podcast by Pastor David Hughes (http://www.cbglades.com/podcast/greater-things-bicycles-and-blue-chairs/). And you see, here's the thing: the main part that I want you to focus on, while it's all pretty good, is the very beginning and very end. A little girl's, A LITTLE GIRL'S bold move changed the course of her life and led her somewhere very special...to her destiny. She was the heroine in this story.

Is that it? Yep. Quite honestly, that's all I really feel led to say. When it comes to matters of the heart, I've learned to be "slow to speak" because there is death and life in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). I'm not trying to start something that shouldn't be started or abort something that shouldn't be aborted. All I know is, it's now 3:22am, I have a class in the morning, and I was awakened with the urge to pen this out...to let some woman, somewhere, know that no, you are not crazy for thinking that the Lord may be telling you to do something in a way that defies what/how MAN (who is flawed, by the way) taught you things should go. I believe the Lord honors chivalry but I know that he appreciates total surrender to his will even more. Women aren't supposed to pursue? Well, I know one place where that is totally not true and that is when it comes to the pursuit of our Father. Go to him and follow just as he leads.

...and keep me posted. I too would love to know who I got up this early for. (LOL)

Send me a wedding picture when it all pans out.

EVERYTHING has at time...and a purpose.

For someone, this would be it.

A sign...a step...to lead you...somewhere. ;-)

(Oh, and if you're someone who wants to write me to criticize this, it wasn't for you. The person it's meant for will understand. That's also a guarantee!)

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

The angels answered, 'No, we will spend the night in the city's public square.'

But Lot begged them to come, so they agreed and went to his house. Then Lot prepared a meal for them. He baked bread without yeast, and they ate it.

Before bedtime, men both young and old and from every part of Sodom surrounded Lot's house. They called to Lot, 'Where are the two men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so we can have sexual relations with them.'

Lot went outside to them, closing the door behind him. He said, 'No, my brothers! Do not do this evil thing. Look! I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. I will give them to you, and you may do anything you want with them. But please don't do anything to these men. They have come to my house, and I must protect them.'"---Genesis 19:1-6 (NCV)

"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity."--- Hippocrates

Opportunity. For me that time is now.

Currently, over 70 women and I are on a fast that the Lord led me to do for the observance of Lent. It's called the "40 Days YOU AND MANNA ONLY Fast" and it's taken from Exodus 16:33-37 where the Lord instructed Moses to tell Aaron to put a certain amount of manna in a jar to place before the Lord for generations to come. One definition of manna is the miraculous food that was provided for the Israelites. Another is spiritual food. We are on a spiritual manna diet/fast where we actually put scriptures in clear jars, place them on windowsills and (among a few other instructions) allow the Lord to speak to us in areas where we are wounded. The manna is meeting our needs as we walk through our individual "wildernesses" as we head to our on earthly "Promised Lands". It's only Day Four and already things have been breaking, changing, accelerating. In all of us. I was just telling one of the participants last night that I wonder, if when going on a fast, that we realize that the word is FAST; that it's not just about going without something, but it often puts us in the position to have things sped up. The Bible says that some things only come by prayer and fasting. Well, actually, the Word says that the faith needed to move mountains only comes by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:20-21), but something that the Lord has been reminding me of more and more is that he is timeless. HE CAN DO IN ONE SECOND WHAT HE CAN DO IN TEN YEARS. Time is nothing to fear. The consequences surrounding a lack of obedience are.

Well, one of the things that I am asking to be healed of (James 5:16), quite honestly, is not feeling that I am exceptional. Now let me explain: I know I am unique, uncommon, different, "against the grain", strange and as someone who loves me very much told me just this week, "misunderstood" (just like a lot of people in the Bible). But exceptional is something that's a little different. I get that I am irregular in a lot of ways and I've made peace with that (Isaiah 26:3). But when it comes to some of the other sides of the word---fine, phenomenal, SPECIAL---it's still a struggle for me. One person once told me it's that case because I am avant-garde (ahead of my time). However, last night, as I was providing one of my prayer partners with my Sabbath list, I realized it's also because I still am processing (which must take place in order to truly heal) my past. I sense in my spirit by the Spirit (John 14:26) that there is some "Sodom and Gomorrah" that I am still in and I am being called out. Now. Immediately. NO LOOKING BACK. That for me, this story, if I take heed will not only save my life, but resurrect some areas in me that have been dormant in preparation for the next phase of it.

Where You've Been

And here we go. The truth makes us free, right? (John 8:32). Here's a portion of my truth. Fathers, make sure you are present IN THE PRESENT of your daughters' lives. Whether they are young or old. And while you are there, make sure you stay on your face (in humility and service) about your purpose in their lives. One thing that being on a sex fast (abstinence until marriage) has taught me is that sexual sin has LAYERS that must be dealt with. Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed is undefiled (pure), but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Not might. WILL. And the thing is, it doesn't say "in the afterlife", which leads me to believe that's a present-tense head's up. It was just today that I noticed that statement was immediately followed by a warning not to fall in love with money, TO BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT WE HAVE and to trust that the Lord will never leave us or forsake us; that we should not be afraid because the Lord will help us; therefore people should not affect us so detrimentally (Hebrews 13:5-6).

When I think about the judgment (the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, esp. in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion) on my own life as it relates to my past sexual choices, there are two light bulbs that took place this morning. Jehovah-Tsidkenu, The God Our Righteousness, has been very merciful with me (Lamentations 3:22-24), but I'm thinking that it just may be today that I will become fully free of my past. FULLY FREE. Because here's the thing: 1) When it comes to being forgiven of sin, yes, confession (something I do A LOT) is a part of the process. Indeed the Word says, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:8-10) But 2) the Word also says this:

"So Jesus said to them again, 'Peace to you! As the Father has sent Me, I also send you.' And when He had said this, He breathed on them, and said to them, 'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.'" (John 20:21-23-NCV)

Christ was speaking to his apostles before leaving this earth. The Word says that those who abide in his Word are his disciples (John 8:31). That would be us. Do you see what he said about forgiveness? If we forgive the sins of others, they are forgiven? If we retain them, they are retained? Helen Keller was once quoted as saying, "All healing is first a healing of the heart." I pray hearts get healed today. Let's spend a quick second defining the word "retain":

Retain: to keep possession of; to continue to use, practice, etc.; to continue to hold or have; to keep in mind; remember; to hold in place or position; to engage, esp. by payment of a preliminary fee

Luke 6:30-38 (NCV) says, "Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."

Where You Are

And yes, now it's time to piece all of it together. Quite a "love quilt" this is about to make. The Word says that if we confess our sins, we are forgiven. But I am realizing, just today, that a part of confessing the sin is, if it relates to someone else, confessing that I have forgiven them...first.

"But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."---Matthew 5:22-24 (NKJV)

WHOEVER IS ANGRY WITHOUT CAUSE IS IN DANGER OF JUDGMENT. Whoever says to his brother, "Raca" (vain, empty, worthless) is in danger of the council. Whoever calls his brother a fool (a silly or stupid person; a person who lacks judgment or sense) is in danger of hell's fire. We all have sinned (I John 1:10). And another "ah ha" for me is that because of that fact, it's often that in someone committing a sin against us, we end up reacting in a sinful way (Galatians 5:16-17). THE LORD HAS BEEN KNOWING THIS FACT ALL ALONG. A part of the reason why we must forgive first is so that our hearts can be softened, making us humble enough to even present ourselves before the Father to be cleansed of our unrighteousness...OUR UNRIGHTNESS so that our spirits can be renewed. When David prayed for a clean heart, when he asked for the Holy Spirit to not taken from him, the verse right before those is Psalm 51:9 (NCV): "Hide Your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities." We are made in the image of Theotes (Greek for Godhead, Genesis 1:26-27). That is biblical. But in order to reflect his image, WE MUST COME TO HIM IN A SPIRIT OF WORSHIP...IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH (John 4:23-24). THERE IS NO TRUTH IN SIN (John 8:44). Coming to the Father daily while still retaining sin...possessing sin...practicing sin...REMEMBERING SIN...paying a retainer for sin (using ourselves or others for future sins) keeps us in a sinful state and prevents us from getting truly free.

There are people I am realizing that I thought I had forgiven, but I'm still retaining their sins which has affected me from totally forgiving which has prevented me from receiving the full benefits of being forgiven. We may not like it. It may not be taught nearly as much as it should be (more and more I am seeing why the Word says that only a few will make it into the kingdom-Matthew 7:14), but the Bible says to give to EVERYONE who asks of you. If someone asks for forgiveness, WE MUST GIVE IT. It also says that our enemies we must do good to, we must lend expecting NOTHING IN RETURN, which is what gives us a great reward. AND that in the measure that we give, that is how it will be given back to us. Today, I want total forgiveness. I want to leave Sodom and Gomorrah for good. I don't want to be paralyzed by my past, like Lot's wife (Genesis 19:26) was nor do I want to stifle my future...like Lot's daughters did (Genesis 19:30-38). And here's where I will bring this to a close. Here is where I realize I will be visiting the spirit of Sodom (and Gomorrah) one last time before moving forward.

Lot. I don't know what his deal was. The Bible does provide us an opportunity to look into his childhood and yes, I believe most issues start at the growing up place. That's why we must watch how we train our children (Proverbs 22:6) and be especially cautious not to provoke them to wrath (Ephesians 6:4). I know the Lord had a plan for Lot...a mighty one because even with what I am about to share, his life (and bloodline), thanks to Abraham's plea (Genesis 18:17-33), was spared. If you are a husband or father reading this, you may recognize yourself in Lot. All is not lost. There is still a plan full of good and hope (Jeremiah 29:11) for you. Repent and receive it.

But as a daughter and as a daughter who has had less-than-ideal relationships with her fathers, I am going to approach this from what I believe was his daughters' perspectives for just a moment. Sodom and Gomorrah had gotten so evil that men were wanting to rape angels. Angels that appeared as men. NOT WOMEN. MEN (I'll leave that there-Romans 1). I'm sure that was a frightful thing for Lot, but in the midst of trying to protect the angels that came to visit him, he tried to set out his daughters as some kind of consolation "prize". VIRGIN DAUGHTERS and as the Word says in Genesis 19:14, daughters who were already promised to someone else (it says that he tried to get his future sons-in-laws to leave as well).

I'm not sure where his daughters were in ear and eye shot when Lot said, "Look! I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. I will give them to you, and you may do anything you want with them", but as a survivor of sexual abuse (and misuse) myself, I can only imagine how such a statement affected them. Here, the man who was supposed to protect them was willing to allow them to be gang raped. His fear altered his judgment. PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR (I John 4:18). And isn't it deep how, if you follow this story, he should have trusted the angels to begin with before making such a disgusting proposition, before putting his daughters on RETAINER, because they were the ones who ended up sparing their lives anyway.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). People partake of our words. Here were these virgin daughters who 1) had their father offer them up for rape; 2) were traumatized by the loss of their fiancés; 3) lost their mother and was about to live in some strange town. Talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And when you look at it this way, perhaps what followed doesn't seem quite as shocking. Lot was a victim. Oh, but so were they:

"Lot was afraid to continue living in Zoar, so he and his two daughters went to live in the mountains in a cave. One day the older daughter said to the younger, 'Our father is old. Everywhere on the earth women and men marry, but there are no men around here for us to marry. Let's get our father drunk and have sexual relations with him. We can use him to have children and continue our family.'

That night the two girls got their father drunk, and the older daughter went and had sexual relations with him. But Lot did not know when she lay down or when she got up.

The next day the older daughter said to the younger, 'Last night I had sexual relations with my father. Let's get him drunk again tonight so you can go and have sexual relations with him, too. In this way we can use our father to have children to continue our family.' So that night they got their father drunk again, and the younger daughter went and had sexual relations with him. Again, Lot did not know when she lay down or when she got up.

So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father. The older daughter gave birth to a son and named him Moab. He is the ancestor of all the Moabite people who are still living today. The younger daughter also gave birth to a son and named him Ben-Ammi. He is the father of all the Ammonite people who are still living today."---Genesis 19:30-37 (NCV)

Incest? Indeed. But it was symptomatic. Because really, why should their flesh have not felt that way? Their father was willing to use them; to put their virginity on the auction block. They didn't have the men they were going to marry anymore. Their mother was not around to comfort them (daughters need the comfort of their mothers...even as adults). And, it would appear that something they all had in common (Lot and his wife included) was not trusting Elohim. Their mother couldn't leave the past. Her daughters didn't have faith in their futures. They all took matters into their own hands. Brokenness, that we see even to this day, ensued as a result.

And here I stand. Like them and learning from them. HOW CAN THEY FEEL EXCEPTIONAL WHEN THEIR OWN FATHER DIDN'T HONOR THEM AS SUCH?

Where You're Going

In the devotional prior to this, a portion of Jeremiah 31:3-5 (Message) was quoted: "God told them, 'I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again, dear virgin Israel. You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance. You'll go back to your old work of planting vineyards on the Samaritan hillsides, and sit back and enjoy the fruit- oh, how you'll enjoy those harvests!"

In my devotional time, I'm realizing that while this is an assurance for all of his children, right now, he is speaking it to my broken places. I too have had fathers like Lot who operated in their flesh more than the Spirit. I too have (wow) lost a fiancé. I too have felt like my value was worth very little and so I took matters into my own hands to try and "make something happen" and in some ways, up until today, like the Moabite and Ammonite people, the results of my choices are still with me.

And today, the Lord wants to free me of that. Today, he wants me to know that he loves me and that I can expect more of his love; not the counterfeit of humans but the miraculous love of the divine. And what I really love about this is the last line in Jeremiah 31:5 because on the front of my clear mason manna jar, it says "Golden Harvests". What does the verse say? I'll sit back and enjoy my harvests.

But in order to do that, I must leave my Sodom and Gomorrah. Ceasing the actions aren't good enough. I must refuse to retain the memories of the sins as well in the sense of not holding on to what can tempt me to want to look back like Lot's wife or want to create my own solutions like Lot's daughters. I must release my pain from feeling like I was not valuable enough to be protected and treated with exception so that I will not return to a place of spiritual incest (trying to make my brothers in Christ my husband) or desperation (trying to make miracles myself rather than letting the Lord have his way). This fast is moving one big mountain: not believing that I am worthy of love. Real love. Exceptional love. Everlasting love. Love from my Heavenly Father.

I'm smiling because even now I hear, "Fear not, daughter of Zion; Behold, your King is coming, sitting on a donkey's colt." (John 12:15). I smile because I know that a modern-day definition of Zion is "a place regarded as sacredly devoted to the Lord". And yes, I am a daughter of Zion and I can trust that my King, the King of Kings, is coming and that is not just an afterlife promise, but a present-day assurance. The Lord is my king and I'm of a royal priesthood who is no longer in the darkness but in the light. Marvelous light (I Peter 2:9-10). Now I'm beaming because you know what happens when an object, a reflecting object (catch that) is placed into marvelous (such as to cause wonder, admiration, or astonishment; surprising; extraordinary) light? Light causes things to take on a certain appearance. Light ignites a spark or flame. Light makes things illuminate. Light brings forth spiritual awareness and mental insight. When light shines, everything in its presence does the same. There's nothing unexceptional about that.

(Holy Spirit) "And one more thing, Shellie. In being royal, we are making you exceptionally virtuous, too. Do you recall what the Proverbs 31 woman's family said to her?"

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all." (verse 28-29)

(Holy Spirit) "All they will see, in this light, in this way, is you. Your

individuality refined by our definition of virtue is exceptional."

None of our handiwork is comparable. All is one-of-a-kind. Sin is what makes a person common. Freedom from it is what makes you divine...and divine is beyond special.

Day Four and already a prayer request from the fast came fast.

Goodbye Sodom and Gomorrah. No longer will I not forgive. No longer will I retain. No longer will I not treat my enemies well (whew...hold me to that one) because in the measure that I give, that is the measure I have chosen and purposed to receive and I want LOTS of love. LOTS of affection. LOTS of forgiveness, mercy and grace. LOTS of abundant living (John 10:10).

Exceptional people should have that, right?

I WHOLEheartedly now agree.

In my everlasting and exceptional LOVE quilt...I am covered (Proverbs 10:12).

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

"'Tis mad idolatry to make the service greater than the god."---William Shakespeare

Well...it's another 3am in the morning kind of message and so I'm bracing myself (Psalm 46:5). Being awakened in the wee hours can tempt one to complain (Philippians 2:14), but I'll tell you what: just like a child is often too immature to understand the blessings that come in living in their parents' home, oftentimes we, as children of the Most High, don't honor the privilege that comes with being able to "seek and find" our Heavenly Father (Matthew 7:7-8). Indeed, all that I hear in my spirit at this very moment, as it relates to this point, is Isaiah 55:6 (NKJV): "Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near."

These are strange, strange times that we are living in (2 Timothy 3:1-9, 2 Peter 3:1-4). No longer is it "passive-aggressively humble" or a Christian cliché to say that making it one more day physically whole and emotionally sane is a blessing. Indeed, in these times, it's a miracle and an extreme testament to God's grace and mercy (Hebrews 4:16); two other things many of us tend to take for granted.

Two things that I believe the Lord is tired of us taking for granted.

I've shared it several times before in the past that there was a huge "ah ha moment" between me and my Father several years ago when I heard the Spirit say, "Shellie, your problem is that you believe in my blessings but not my wrath. I am the God of both." It's amazing that many of us think our Father is much like how many of us tend to be as parents: weak. There are plenty of scriptures that speak to disciplining the children that the Lord has entrusted to us (Proverbs 13:24, 22:6 &15, Ephesians 6:4) and there are many more that address our Father's love through disciplining us. Other than Hebrews 12:6 (NKJV), "For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" (you might want to check out the definitions of "scourge"; they're not very "happy happy, joy joy"), another scripture that comes to mind is Proverbs 15:10 (NKJV):

"Harsh discipline is for him who forsakes the way, and he who hates correction will die."

This message is gonna be a "harsh discipline" account, but correction, godly correction, is never for naught. I pray that this message will help those who have forsaken the way and will save some soul that's lost; both out of the Church...but especially those who are in it (I Corinthians 5:9-13). Lost isn't just about not knowing the Lord, but not serving him (a form of worship)...in spirit and in truth (John 4:23-24).

So with that said, is it just me or is 2010 already showin' out? Here we were claiming what "10" biblically symbolizes (restoration) and yet, I've had a couple of moments when I've been like, "Uh hello...seems like things are falling apart over here." The Holy Spirit's response (John 14:26)? "So you're paying attention. THEY ARE."

The "free setting truth" (John 8:32) is that something has to be torn down for it to be restored. When you redecorate a home, something has to be removed...first. When you refurbish an office building, things have been taken away...first. And, for our human trinities (mind, body, spirit) to be restored...built up...healed...improved...recovered...REDEEMED...if you're not willing to make some sacrifices, if you're not willing to lose some things, if you're not willing to pray the prayer, "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit" (Psalm 51:12-NKJV) and mean it, then you may be in search of something, but restoration is not it. Getting back to the state that you were in prior to your views, your habits, your fetishes, your rebellion, your fears, your brokenness, your spiritual ignorance and/or arrogance requires some serious reassessing.

This is what Theotes (Greek for "Godhead") brought to me as I was outlining some desires for this year. I was told that I would have to let some things go...and there was no way around it. But I think it's the way I was told that tripped me out. It came during a fast last week:

"When you put anything before El Shaddai, the All Sufficient God, that is a form of idolatry. When you find yourself in a relationship that we (the Godhead-Genesis 1:26-27) never advised you to be in (or that we told you to get out of), when you take a job or sign on to a ministry without our leading, when you listen to other people's advice before the Word or listen to advice with no Word as its foundation (John 1:1, 2 Timothy 3:16), when you decide that your desires are more important than the laws we set in place for your protection, edification and sanctification (John 14:15)...when you do that, you are partaking in idolatry and the Word says that you are to have no other God except God (Exodus 20:3)."

I must admit that while I've known of idolatry for quite some time (all of us are sinners, which means all of us are guilty of committing it---I John 1:10), I have never really done a Bible study on it...until now.

Idolatry: worship of idols; blind or excessive devotion to something

Idol: an image or other material object representing a deity to which religious worship is addressed; an image of a deity other than God; the deity itself; any person or thing regarded with blind admiration, adoration, or devotion; (catch these last two) a figment of the mind; fantasy; a false conception or notion; fallacy

When it comes to worshiping a deity other than God, when it comes to being blindly or excessively devoted to something, when it comes to fantasizing about a certain person/place/thing/idea/notion, when it comes to living your life based on a fallacy (I can have sex with my girlfriend because I love her, it's OK to tell a lie for protection's sake, I am not killing someone so long as I'm using my words and not my hands), you are living the lifestyle of idolatry. With that, the Word says the following:

An image, even one created in your own mind, can be an idol: "Those who make an image, all of them are useless, and their precious things shall not profit; they are their own witnesses; they neither see nor know, that they may be ashamed."---Isaiah 44:9 (NKJV)

Succumbing to temptation is a form of idolatry: "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry."---I Corinthians 10:13-14 (NKJV)

Sex outside of covenant, uncontrolled passion (for anything---love is patient: I Corinthians 13:4), wanting what other people have are all idols: "Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them."---Colossians 3:5-7 (NKJV)

And what does the final scripture advise when it comes to having idols before the Lord? It doesn't say put them down. IT SAYS PUT THEM TO DEATH, which ironically lines right on up with "10" and "restoration". For something to be renewed or to "begin again", it has to come to an end...first. I was just telling a friend of mine last week that there was some real grieving that I had to do recently in certain areas of my life because I had to release by "putting to death" things that were tied to my own idolatry issues so that I could be restored; so that I could get back to a state of health, soundness and vigor; so that I could grasp a greater understanding of the Lord's ORIGINAL PLAN for my life. Flesh can make you very hard of hearing when it comes to the Spirit. Truly, to be redeemed, your spirit must be committed to the process (Psalm 31:5). Be very leery of the "junkie mentality"; "This is not my idol. I can stop talking to him/her, stop doing it, stop creating images of this anytime I want to." If you are partaking in a conscious sin, knowing how God feels about it, it's obvious that 1) an idol is exactly what you have on your hands and 2) that you can't get rid of it alone. Idols are meant to take a hold. You can't be friends with idols. YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO. It hurts. Discipline can be a painful experience indeed. Colossians uses the word "death" in reference to leaving uncleanness and evil desire for a reason. But, as I spent some real soul-searching time on my "hamster wheel" cycles of choice, I realized that I stay in the same stuff because I, well, stay in the same stuff.

To get a husband, I have to let the boyfriends (physically, mentally, emotionally) go.

To get good credit, I have to let the spending habits go.

To get a better attitude, I have to let the negativity (person/place/thing/idea) go.

To be restored, I have to let my idols---all of the things that caused me to put anything other than God's will, way and Word for my life in the forefront---go. THEY HAVE TO GO. By worshipping them, I have made myself ill-equipped of "putting them in a proper place". Idols don't have a proper place. They caused me to sin. They must be released...if restoration is my goal.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a devotional about sand. One revelation to me in it was that sand is nothing more than itty bitty rocks. The lead scripture for today says that a wise man builds his house upon THE ROCK, but the foolish man builds his house upon the sand. Rock is a biblical symbolism for God (2 Samuel 22:2; Psalm 18:2 & 71:3). A wise man builds his house upon the rock, GOD. A foolish man builds his house upon the sand; fragments of God...pieces of God...perhaps the parts of God that are convenient for him, but it's obvious that it's not the totality of the Lord's being. And really, can there be "itty bits" of our Lord? Perhaps in our own mind, but speaking from personal experience, our thoughts and "the way we see things" tends to be the biggest idol of all to contend with (Isaiah 55:8-9).

If I could describe what my life looks like now, it's very similar to standing on a concrete slab after a demolition has hit it. I have the blueprint of what my "life house" will look like and perhaps without that, I would freak out. A lot of things used to be in my heart space, my psyche, my personal view. There was once a castle of mental and emotional hoarding that idolatry built, with the mortar being lies that I told myself: that sinful relationships were healthy for me (I can use the bond to witness to them and win them over); that my past was not going to catch up to me (just because it hadn't...um, yet); that I could control the things that were controlling me. But with restoration comes freedom. TRUTH IS WHAT MAKES US FREE. It's what takes down the lies and then builds us up in honesty, integrity, soundness...truth. GOD'S TRUTH.

I hope this provides a word of "It's OK, God's got this" encouragement for some of you who may wonder if the Lord knows that it's 2010. He's the Father of time. He does and if you're losing more than you're gaining right now, that's a good thing...a great thing, actually. That means he's building something very different than what you conjured up; he has something in mind that will last as he intended for it to...forever (Ecclesiastes 3:14). Something that is on the right foundation. HIM. THE ROCK.

So, you lost it? Better yet, you let it go and everything seems empty? Good deal.

Don't be afraid, get excited.

It's a surefire sign, from your new contractor (get into covenant, y'all-Psalm 89:34), that you're about to be restored!

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

They replied, 'Moses allowed a man to write a bill of divorce and to put her away.'

But Jesus said to them, 'Because of your hardness of heart [your condition of insensibility to the call of God] he wrote you this precept in your Law.'

But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and cleave closely to her permanently, and the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has united (joined together), let not man separate or divide."---Mark 10:3-9 (AMP)

"And so Adam, in that his speech to Eve, uttered his faith in the promise made to her of her seed, and so in that respect Adam himself came in under her covenant."---Thomas Goodwin

"A covenant made with God should be regarded not as restrictive but as protective."---Russell M. Nelson

First, let me say "thank you" to all of the married people who made the time to respond to my questions last week re: the blessings and challenges within their union. There is a method to my madness. Actually, as I was praying about why God asked me to do that and where he was wanted me to go next on those, one thing that the Holy Spirit (John 14:26) brought to mind is that the two people who spoke the most profoundly on marriage are Christ (Matthew 19) and Paul (I Corinthians 7); two single people. I Corinthians 7:32-34 (NKJV) says, "But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord-how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world-how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world-how she may please her husband."

Now, I'm not totally sure what "without care" means to Paul. Personally, even as a single woman, I find myself "casting cares" (I Peter 5:6-7) on a pretty regular basis but I'm bringing this up, in this context, to say that I do find it fascinating that according to scripture (2 Timothy 3:16), an unmarried person can more easily care for the things of Lord than a married person can. MARRIAGE IS A THING OF THE LORD. It's the first human service ministry introduced to mankind (Genesis 2:18-25). That said, if you are single, you still have a duty when it comes to marriage, whether you desire to be married someday or not. Most of us have seen the heartbreaking statistics on marital abuse (of all kinds) and divorce and yet some of us are so selfishly consumed with "when we're gonna get ours" that we're not using this time to pray, without ceasing (I Thessalonians 5:16-17), for those who may not be able to invest as much spiritual time as they would like...or may even know to do. Sadly, there are a lot of people who are married but do not understand the value of covenant or the magnitude of the vows that they took TO GOD AND TO ONE ANOTHER; ones that God takes very seriously (Matthew 5:37). When the lead scripture says that what God has joined together, let no man separate, please believe he was speaking of the two making the promises...first.

James 5:16 says that the prayers of the righteous have power. How much prayer, singles, are you putting into the covenant couples that you know? How righteous is your life so that your prayers can be supernaturally effective? How much time do you devote to seeing what needs they may have? When was the last time you babysat their children and/or treated them to dinner and a movie? When do you recall cooking a dish so that they could spend more quality time or sacrificing the price of a weekend away so that they could spend a night alone at a local hotel? Marriage is a covenant between the Godhead, a husband and his wife, but for it to be a spiritual success, it's the responsibility of us all.

Hmph.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to a married friend of mine in crisis. As we were discussing some of the struggles her husband was facing, I heard myself say, "Have you ever wondered why the Bible says that the two will become one flesh? It doesn't say they will become spirit and flesh, but one flesh."

My friends are used to me and my randomness. She paused and said, "No...can't really say that I have", but to be honest with you, that was sho 'nuf a Holy Spirit moment because I hadn't really, either. Oh, but once that lane opened up, I took it. One flesh. THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. Yes, I'm sure some people look at that strictly from the sexual perspective. Being that fornication and adultery are sins to our Lord (the King James Version calls fornicators "whoremongers", by the way-Hebrews 13:4) and being that I Corinthians 6:16 speaks of the ability of man to become one with even a prostitute, I certainly agree that sex is the physical act that represents the spiritual bond between a husband and wife. But let's go deeper.

I John 6:63 (NKJV) says, "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life."

Romans 8:1-11 (NKJV) tells us, "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God. But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you."

2 Corinthians 7:1 (NKJV) states, "Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God."

I really want you catch Galatians 5:14-17 (NKJV): "For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another! I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish."

And finally, Ephesians 6:12 (NKJV), "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."

We are flesh and spirit. Our goal in life is to become more like the Spirit and to surrender our flesh to its will. When Christ was on the earth, he said the first commandment we should follow is to love God (Spirit) with all that we are and the second is that we should love our neighbors (flesh) as ourselves; that there are no greater commands than these (Mark 12:29-31). THERE ARE NO GREATER COMMANDS THAN THESE. Our relationship with God should be our first priority as individuals. Having no god before God (Exodus 20:3) would include our spouse and perhaps that's one reason why we're not one spirit, per se. It would make perfect sense that because we came onto the scene as individuals, God would want a spirit-to-spirit relationship with each of us first and foremost. However, if you are a married person reading this, when it comes to the second commandment, your closest "neighbor" would be your spouse. Other than loving God with all of your soul, mind and strength, there is no greater service than to love them...as you do yourself.

Now, it's a whole 'nother message entirely to ponder on how many people in troubled marriages actually love themselves. After all, it's hard to be patient and kind (I Corinthians 13:4) with someone else when you're not that way with yourself. But what I really wanted us to reflect on is how weak the flesh tends to be and how powerful the spirit world is. The devil is a part of the spirit world; Ephesians 6:12 tells us that. Satan even had the ability to tempt (to entice or allure to do something often regarded as unwise, wrong, or immoral) Christ (Matthew 4:1-11; Hebrews 2:18; Hebrews 4:15). He did not succeed because Christ did not succumb, but we are not Christ. We are people who strive to be like Christ, which is all the more reason why we must make a daily concerted effort to surrender to the will of God. That said, I can't help but to wonder, being that God knew the fall of man was eminent, if marriage was partially introduced to help us overcome sin. Christ was one with God (John 10:30). I'm sure that "oneness" is how Christ was able to withstand the darts of the Enemy. A husband is made one with his wife. COULD THAT NOT SERVE THE SAME ULTIMATE PURPOSE? Let's check the scriptures:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."---Ephesians 4:9-12 (NKJV)

Do you know one of the reasons why I fight so hard for God's original plan for marriage to remain in tact; for only a husband (man) and wife (woman) to be able to use the word "marriage"? Because in the beginning was the Word (John 1:1) and when God spoke the word, the concept of marriage into existence, it was for Adam and the Woman; the mandate was given to a male and female covenant couple that a man should leave his mother and father, be joined to his wife and two would become one flesh (Genesis 2:24-25). If you go one chapter back, it says that when the Godhead decided to make us in their image, MALE AND FEMALE, he made them (Genesis 1:26-27). There is a unique symmetry that a male and female martial bond bring to this earth. There is a consecrated, godly representation that takes place when a male and female become one. Knowing this, OF COURSE THE ENEMY WOULD ATTACK IT.

And he has been...aggressively. And a lot of us have been letting him...unfortunately.

In my prayer time last night and this morning, there was something that the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:12) brought to me that I hadn't really thought about (in this way) before. Ephesians 4:9-12 says that two are better than one and that two can withstand being overpowered by another. Proverbs 27:17 tells us that a friend's countenance is like iron sharpening iron. I Corinthians 7:4 says that the husband has authority (right to respect or acceptance of one's word, command, thought, etc.) over the wife's body AND the wife has authority over the husband's body. I Corinthians 7:14 states that the unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believing one and through that position, their children are not unclean, but holy. In the Message Version of Matthew 19:11-12, Christ advised that while a lot of people are not (spiritually) mature enough for marriage, even as a single man, he recommended that if you can grow into the largeness of marriage, you should do it.

Have you ever taken the time to think that when it comes to marriage, God made a point to state that we were one flesh as opposed to one spirit because he knew it would take the delicate balance of the husband and wife, the two different people with different strengths and weaknesses, bonded together, to fight the one spirit: Satan? That because both man and woman are made in the Godhead's image that the husband would be able to fight the Enemy in ways that the wife could not and vice versa? That the two coming together as one flesh was God's way of combating the Enemy in, perhaps, the most powerful way earthly possible (and perhaps that's why Christ recommended that people do it)? Well, if you look at how much marriage is attacked and sex is abused/misused, I'll bet all the money I've got and will make in the future that the Enemy has considered it...on a daily basis.

If you are married, there are certain "fight tools" that you bring to the spiritual warfare battlefield that your mate simply cannot. It's kind of like the child of a single parent who says, "My mama is the mama and the daddy." I just heard a variation of that fallacy today in one of my classes. A mom may be working harder than she should to go above and beyond because she's doing it alone, but there is nothing in her genetic make-up that can cause her to be a father. Married people, you may be an excellent husband or wife, but you can't do what the opposite sex partner does. The Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23) and that the wife brings favor to her husband (Proverbs 18:22). The husband may lead, but his wife grants him access, blessings, goodwill and unfair partiality in his leadership. They both bring something to the union that the other cannot...because God purposed it to be that way. One spouse may not be working as effectively as he/she should, but you have to remember that God honors covenant and in godly marriages, there is a three-cord bond; it is something that God, himself, THE SPIRIT, has joined together. As the King James Version of Mark 10:9 tells us, that is something that NO MAN should put asunder...disconnect...separate...tear. Why? Because more than anything, the two need one another; not just to live together...have children...have sex...but to fight the Enemy. Marriage is one of God's ultimate warfare weapons.

Now do you see why God hates divorce and why he says that it covers one with a garment of violence (Malachi 2:16)? Yes, in extreme cases, there are provisions made for divorce, but God doesn't say he hates it "unless". God joined a man and woman together in marriage and the Word says that what God does, he does forever. Nothing should be added to it or taken from it (which is why I don't support homosexual marriages) and he does it so that man will fear him (Ecclesiastes 3:14). The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding (Proverbs 9:10). Isaiah 33:6 assures us that wisdom and knowledge are to be the stability of our times and the strength of our salvation. If you're married, this is the time to increase in your spiritual wisdom and knowledge re: the PURPOSE OF YOUR MARRIAGE so that you can be brought to a sense of stability; so that the salvation of both you and your partner can be strengthened. If you're single, this is the time to take preventative measures to understand the WARFARE WEAPON known as marriage; to look beyond the wedding day and honeymoon into the potential of two souls coming together for the purpose of creating a haven of spiritual stability and a safe place for salvation to further develop. Becoming one flesh isn't just about the pleasure that sex can bring, but the purpose that two people, united, both made in God's image differently, can do when they are so close that they are spiritually one and so surrendered to the Spirit that the flesh cannot defeat it.

I don't know about you, but it makes me respect marriage in an entirely different manner. For those I know that are married, I will definitely make it a point to cover them in prayer all the more and serve in any way that I am led to and can. As for me and my future union, the "wish list" has slightly shifted. Now I see why my mama wanted me with a man who loves the Lord. A married girlfriend of mine (shout out to Anastasia Nocentelli) told me last week that marriage is a benefit of becoming the person you are meant to be. I have grown when it comes to the kind of man, the quality of man, that I desire, but now...knowing this, because some things only come by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:20-21), I'm sure I will be spending some more time on my face so that I can become the proper "tool" to be merged with...so that when I do become one with "him", I will bless him and not consume him; I will complement his weaknesses not overpower his strengths; I will bring favor to his leadership so that we can defeat the Enemy in the fear of the Lord.

One flesh, revisited, indeed.

Amen.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

“The wise bridesmaids took their lamps and more oil in jars…Then all the bridesmaids woke up and got their lamps ready.”---Matthew 25:4&7(NCV)

“All things are ready, if our minds be so.”---William Shakespeare

So much so today that here I am…with something else up my sleeve that came from the Holy Spirit’s mouth.

Several of you have heard me reference my “love brother”, Joey. Well, he and I have been discussing all week that, while it seems that many women are preparing for marriage, a lot of men are not. I suggested to him, “Why don’t you write a prayer for the unprepared?” Let me just say that you can be looking for a tag on that very soon and from what I’ve heard coming from Sir Richey’s mouth already…IT’S POWERFUL(if you would like me to post it, leave me a shout out in the comments section).

If you haven’t read, “One Flesh…REVISITED” in my notes (I will post it on Thursday here), I suggest that you do. It was revealed to me in that devotional that marriage is the strongest line of defense in spiritual warfare and just a little while ago, I also read that it is the strongest biblical doctrine as well. The common word? STRONG. We must be strong for marriage. Even in our waiting, God is making us strong now…to be prepared…for what’s in store.

Next Sabbath, I will be a bridesmaid in a wedding. As we’ve been preparing, helping, SERVING the bride, I thought about the term “bride” (a woman who is married or soon-to-be married) and “bridesmaid”. When I looked up the definitions of bridesmaid, there were two:

1) a young woman who attends the bride at a wedding ceremony

2) a person, group, etc., that is in a secondary position, never quite attains a goal, etc.

Then I thought about Matthew 25 (verses 1-13) and the tale of the five wise and five foolish bridesmaids; how half were like the first definition and the other, well, the second. All of us, quite frankly, fit into this scenario. For some of us, while it seems like the bridegroom is late, that doesn’t stop us from being prepared…with oil (the Holy Spirit) because we know our groom is coming. What does Acts 1:7 (Message) assure us? That timing is the Father’s business, but what we’ll get it is the Holy Spirit, right? John 14:26(AMP) tells us what benefits come with that:

“But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.”

This is a crucial time for many. You cannot afford to “let your oil” out now. GET PLENTY OF THE HOLY SPIRIT so that you can hear what to do and so that your lamp can shed light on where you need to go.

There are others, though, who continue to remain in the secondary position because they lead secondary lives. You’re still sleeping around. You’re still making financial debt decisions. You still don’t forgive. You still worship idols. You still have that funky attitude. You’re not attaining the goal because you haven’t conditioned yourself to reach it. YOU’RE NOT WAITING ON GOD. GOD IS WAITING ON YOU.

And so, here we go. Another project, indeed:

Because the Bible says that some things ONLY COME by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:19-20), one day a week, until, shoot…until…fast for yourself. Fast to be freed from the ties that bind. Fast away your fears. Fast for your future family. Fast for insight into the role you play in reaching that goal. I don’t have any specific instructions on what kind of fast to do this time. I do know there’s a great book, “Fasting for Spiritual Breakthrough” that you can get on Amazon that takes you through different kinds of fasts for different purposes. However, I think God may custom design them for each of us based on our need/purpose/situation. Also, pray for your husband to get prepared. For many of us, it’s time for him to. THIS I KNOW. But it’s not just about preparing to be our husbands, but to be a MATURE MAN OF GOD (first), a husband (second), a father (third) and a “love covering” full of grace, mercy and humility (fourth) to be able to do/be all of these things on a consistent basis. The cite scripture for this?

“And I will make you my promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you my love and mercy. I will be true to you as my promised bride, and you will know the Lord.”---Hosea 2:19-20 (NCV)

PUT THAT SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN READ IT EVERY DAY. You are promised to your husband. He is to be good and fair. He is to show love and mercy. He is to be true to you. HE IS TO ASSIST IN KEEPING YOU IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD. You must be spiritually sober-minded to discern these qualities now.

For the women COMMITTED to doing this, I will send you a ribbon to wear on the day you are led to fast. It has been a ribbon ministry over here as of late. Interestingly enough, the colors for this particular fast is not what you might expect. No purple for royalty. No white for purity. Actually it’s red, orange and yellow:

RED is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, STRENGTH, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

Interestingly enough, while this scripture is in reference to idolatry, this is what the Holy Spirit led me to when it comes to what red will spiritually signify:

“’Present your case,’ says the Lord. ‘Bring forth your STRONG reasons,’” says the King of Jacob.”---Isaiah 41:21 (NKJV)

Looks like we all have something to talk about (LOL) when it comes to our desires for marriage and REASONS for it. But the red also symbolizes directly our energies and awareness towards the WARFARE that we know is coming and to ignite the (proper) passion, desire and love needed for our husbands to be received, by us.

ORANGE combines the energy of red and the happiness of yellow. It is associated with JOY, sunshine, and the tropics. Orange represents enthusiasm, fascination, happiness, creativity, determination, attraction, success, encouragement, and stimulation.

“You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of JOY; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”---Psalm 16:11 (NKJV)

I don’t know about y’all, but sometimes I forget that JOY is a Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Orange symbolizes that we are encouraged, happy and determined to get what God has promised us (Psalm 37:4). And, I love that the color also symbolizes attraction and stimulation and look…at God’s right hand are PLEASURES FOREVERMORE. Marriage is to be a pleasurable experience. God is so thorough.

YELLOW is the color of sunshine. It's associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”---Proverbs 1:7 (NKJV)

The wise bridesmaids? They feared the Lord. Knowledge comes as the result of that. The foolish? They hated wisdom and instruction. This is a season to TAKE HEED TO WISE COUNSEL: spiritual sistahs, HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES, healthy platonic male friends. Rockin’ yellow means that you are open to the counsel that God provides…however he chooses to provide it.

Hmph. And what do all of these colors make? FIRE. We’re about to be ON FIRE for the cause.

“Who makes His angels spirits; His ministers a flame of fire.”---Psalm 104:4 (NKJV)

HIS MINISTERS A FLAME OF FIRE. If marriage ain’t a ministry, if being the helpmate (Genesis 2:18) that brings our men favor (Proverbs 18:22) ain’t ministering, I don’t know what is! And so, as you COMMIT to this season of fasting (I think everyone’s will be different, but it will be at least over a period of 40 days whether it’s every day or once a week), when you wear your ribbon, remember all that it signifies. You are strong. You have joy. This is a time to acquire MUCH intellect: books, godly advice…wherever God leads you.

Some things only come by prayer and fasting, right? We are ministers-in-training, correct?

“We give no offense in anything, that our ministry may not be blamed. But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses, in stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings; by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as deceivers, and yet true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.”---2 Corinthians 6:3-10 (NKJV)

The refiner’s fire, indeed. Suit up. GAME ON.

OH! And CONGRATS (for real) to one of our “classmates”, Ms. Tanya Megan Duthie who is newly engaged. God is good.

Looking forward to having you join us.

Much love,

 SRW

“One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue.”---Unknown

I have brilliant friends. I love that. I know lately I have referenced one in particular, but he’s smart…and spiritual. What can I say? And to be honest, as I’m in what I call “Wife Curriculum Class” (you have no idea…whew!), I am glad that it was a man who brought this to my attention.

This past Sabbath, my love brother, Joey and I were doing what we often do: talking spirituality. Since he was led to kick off a 21-day “Fast Forward” fast (Matthew 17:20-22), it has been mind-blowing, the many revelations those of us partaking have been receiving. Well, on this day, he was sharing with me something he heard:

“In the Garden (of Eden) where does it say that God told the Woman not to touch of the fruit?”

Yeah. It was random, but that’s kind of how we roll. I’m use to our pace of conversation and similar to when Christ asked questions while on the earth, I knew he had a deeper point. I jumped right in.

“Huh? I’m sure he did…let me look it up…hmm…OK, let me check out a few translations.”

Basically, this is all that I found:

“Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to tend and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.’”---Genesis 2:15-17 (NKJV)

I looked in the NIV, the NCV, even the ones that tend to be a bit more wordy like the Amplified and Message Versions and you know what? Nothing about not touching the fruit could be found. That had me stumped for a moment.

Now, I’m sure what some of you are thinking. How can you eat something without touching it? Who knows what the Lord shared with the Woman before he brought her to Adam (Genesis 2:22)? Does this all even really matter? Well, I’ve been mulling over this for some days and the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:12) has not given me any peace in not penning this message and so yes…I think it does.

There’s something really dangerous in engaging serpents; what is considered, in this biblical account, to be the devil (Genesis 3:1-5) but the dictionary also defines as “a wily, treacherous, or malicious person”. A wily person is someone who is crafty or cunning. This means that they also tend to be deceptive, intriguing, shrewd, smooth, streetwise and underhanded. When it comes to dealing with this kind of spirit, the Word is pretty clear: “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7-NKJV) and the times when you are “caught off guard” (crafty people tend to be really good with timing), we are to be WISE AS SERPENTS and harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). I read the interaction between the serpent and the Woman over and over and what really struck me in Genesis 3:1 was this:

The NKJV: “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”

The NIV: "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

The Amplified: “Can it really be that God has said, You shall not eat from every tree of the garden?”

The NASB: “Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?"

The Message: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"

No matter what translation you read, it appears that the serpent was seeking for clarity on exactly what it was God said and the only account of the instruction that was given is that God said not to eat of the fruit. OK, but what did the Woman say? I’ll take from the Amplified on this:

“And the woman said to the serpent, We may eat the fruit from the trees of the garden, except the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God has said, You shall not eat of it, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.

But the serpent said to the woman, You shall not surely die, for God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing the difference between good and evil and blessing and calamity.”---Genesis 3:2-5 (AMP)

Now here’s where it might get a bit touchy, especially for some of the ladies, but I hope you’ll listen…to exactly what I’m saying (wink). I think there are a myriad of reasons why the serpent chose the Woman as the one he would tempt, but one of the main ones is because we were created to help (Genesis 2:18). We are nurturers. We are mothers. We like to go “above and beyond”. We try and not listen to just what is said (catch that), but interpret what was meant. We feel words. We don’t just hear them. We, as one article said on women and listening, LISTEN FOR UNSPOKEN THINGS. In this case, I’m not sure that’s so much of a good thing. When it comes to dealing with the serpent spirit, period, I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

When I jumped a few verses up, I thought about something Adam said after partaking of the forbidden fruit, that sends many women to seething. When God asked Adam, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat fruit from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:11-NCV), Adam replied with, “You gave this woman to me and she gave me the fruit from the tree, so I ate it.” (verse 12)

Now why do we tend to get so upset when we recall that account? Is that not true what Adam said? After all, he didn’t decide that he needed a helpmate. THE LORD DID. So is it that we are listening literally to what Adam said or are we interpreting something into what he meant (“Oh, now he wants to blame us? We were created to bless him!”)? Like the Woman did concerning God while talking to the serpent at the tree? Hmph.

As I prayed and thought and prayed some more, I came to these conclusions: the serpent knew exactly what he was doing in posing a question to the Woman. He knew her “helping spirit” wanted to “clear things up”. But the truth is, she didn’t owe anyone an explanation. God spoke it and it was so and she and her covenant partner were in agreement. That was all that mattered. The other thing is that because we can only assume that she received her instructions from her husband, Adam (since it’s only recorded that this instruction was given to him by God), in preparation for the priest of my own home, it showed me that there are times when what was said, verbatim, should be enough.

Because as a woman (and I’m not speaking for all, but I’m sure most are wired this way), I know that I have a tendency to exaggerate, even in my emotional processing of things. I will never forget an ex reaching out after reading my book to tell me that he loved me and he was sorry. THAT IS WHAT HE SAID. I decided that he meant that he regretted breaking up with me and wanted to get back together. Two years of pure emotional drama (and trauma) followed. All because I took it upon myself to interpret what he meant, rather than just take him at his word; his literal words. The Woman was tempted by a piece of fruit. I was burned by an old flame. Do you think the spirit behind both situations were any different?

“Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?”

“Why would he contact you and say he loved you if he didn’t?”

And just like my trillionth great-grandmother Eve, here I go trying to provide an explanation to a spirit that 1) I’m sure heard exactly what was said before either one of us were approached by him and 2) knew that we wouldn’t feel right unless we were helping…even if that meant helping the serpent…even if that meant engaging him to the point of falling into his trap. Because after all, he seeks for who he can devour. He’s the ultimate opportunist. But to succeed, he needs an opportunity. This is why the Word instructs us to be steadfast in the faith (I Peter 5:8-9) and how does that happen? Not in interpreting feelings, but by HEARING THE WORD OF GOD (Romans 10:17). No more, no less.

Oh, I hope you get what I’m trying to communicate. When I read accounts of how the Enemy, another form of the serpent, approached Christ, again, while it was not in question form, per se, he did speak in the way that he hoped would encourage our Lord to engage him. IF you are the Son of God, turn these stones to bread. IF you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. He even quoted scripture back to Christ (cunning, indeed-Matthew 4:1-11). But how did Christ respond? He didn’t spend time engaging the serpent. He didn’t make time to get into the battle of wits with him. He spoke the Word, what was written, what was said. THAT WAS ALL. And what happened as a direct result? Matthew 4:11 (NKJV) says, “Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and ministered to Him.”

In dealing with the serpent spirit in modern times, what again does the Word say in James 4:7? Submit to God. Resist the devil. HE WILL FLEE. I’m speaking more to the ladies, although on some levels this applies to all, but when the Enemy comes at you with his crafty approaches, there are only two things we need to do:

Submit to God (and if you are married, that would include the authority that the Lord has put into place-Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18).

Resist the devil. To resist is “to strive to fend off or offset the actions, effects, or force of”; “to remain firm against the actions, effects, or force of; withstand”; “to keep from giving in to or enjoying”. In other words, we are to refrain from conversing with him, we should repel his deceptive attempts at striking our hearts (our emotions), we should resist engaging him in any way. We need to speak the Word that has been given. That is all. That is how Christ modeled we can get him to flee. Anything more simply provides the Enemy with more avenues to get us on the exit of some form of destruction.

We all have our “fruit of knowledge of good and evil” of choice. In marriage?

Your husband says new living room furniture is not in the budget and here comes the serpent spirit with, “Did he say you couldn’t get a whole set or just one piece?”

Your husband comes home and asks for a few minutes to deprogram and the serpent spirit comes with, “Did he just say he didn’t want to spend any time with you?”

Your husband has a big project and he’s working late and the serpent spirit comes with, “Did you just hear a woman’s voice in the background?”

Don’t engage that spirit. Be wise and the Word says that to get wisdom and an understanding of the Holy One, we must fear the Lord (Proverbs 9:10). Discernment and emotionalism are not necessarily synonymous. The heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). The Word of God is the only thing that will stand. STAND ON IT. The Enemy doesn’t create anything new. He saw what worked for Eve: getting her to engage him by discussing not just what the Lord said, but what she believed he meant in what he said. Why would he stop the formula now?

The truth is, he won’t.

So, coming full circle, should the Woman have touched the fruit? Well, I’ll say this, I am refraining from certain things myself because if I touched it, I’m sure I would want to fully partake. But I don’t get into it with the Enemy about that. When I’m tempted, I leave it at, “The Bible says not to fornicate.” (Hebrews 13:4) It’s when I try and determine, “Now does than include fondling? Oral sex? What?” that I find myself right in front of my own tree trying to pull apart and add on to what the Word says.

Nah. I’m too wise for that.

Wise as a serpent now. One up, actually because I’m also made in the God’s image.

There’s no further explanation needed. The Word made me and the instructions that I’ve been given. It speaks for itself (John 1:1)

Time to break this generational curse and disengage. Emotionally and verbally.

With my thoughts and (the overuse) of my tongue.

That’s how I can really help.

Amen. And amen.

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

I love you. But really…what is going on with you?

Yes. I know that may be odd coming from me. The One who knows all, who made all, who sees all. So, let me clarify: I am not unclear on how you got to this place. I just want to know, from you, why you are choosing to stay here. Here is not good. Here is leading you no where. At the end of here, there is death. Most assuredly.

And yes, I know in many ways, you are already dying inside. You’d have to be to subject yourself to these cycles, these self-debilitating cycles that you settle for: random images of broken women in magazines and on Internet screens; making yourself one with ladies who carry a spirit of harlotry on them; debasing yourself by spilling your sacred seed on bed sheets and couches; sneaking around with my other sons, committing the most pitiful acts of spiritual incest…lying to yourself by saying that this is simply what men do…

And believing those lies because you never talk about it. To me. Or anyone else.

Do you really think that my Son, your brother, died so that you could live this kind of life? It often seems like the only abundance you seem to have is a lot of drama and self-condemnation. Ironically, you tell my daughters that you can’t stand people who live this way; that actually may be your biggest lie of all because like a fool who returns to his vomit, you’re wallowing in your sexual sin and the stench is becoming unbearable. Yet it’s almost like you don’t even sense it anymore. Your passion is burning you…making you numb to your senses. Your common sense.

Oh my son. A dead man walking is just what you have become and as I look at some of your brothers and their current state of mind, it would appear that it’s contagious. Death is contagious.

I want to get angry. I should be angry. When I created the world in which you currently reside, Adam was my firstborn. You, as a man, were my firstborn. There is a pride that a Father has over the beginning of anything he does. YOU WERE MY BEGINNING. I love my daughters in very special ways. Ways that almost make me laugh as you try to understand them with your finite mind. But you? You are who I have known the longest…spent the most time with. When I thought to make a man in my image, to have dominion over the earth…to protect all of my creation, including my daughters, even as the Lord of all, there was a certain level of respect I had for you by giving you that position. Don’t you get it? For me to put you in charge of all that you see, all that I manifested, I’d have to trust you. And I did. And even though you have broken your loyalty ties with me, time and time again, I still want to.

Yet how can I when you continue to repeat the things that your forefathers have? Your fathers have. Your grandfathers have. Samson, David and Solomon have. You try and command honor in your world, even from me, but you are not acting like a man of reverence, valor, distinction. You’re so peculiar and yet you settle for being ordinary…usual…unexceptional. To subject yourself to the constant destruction that you do, I realize that I cannot wait for you to repent. I have to woo you to me. I must speak to a place within you that has grown numb, that has deceived you, that dwells in a cold and dark space where my light has not been allowed to shine. A space where the world has viciously tricked you into believing is only reserved for the chromosomes that make up a woman. A place where, without it, you cannot survive. Physically or emotionally. That place is your heart. Your broken heart.

For a moment, my son, let me speak to your heart.

Everything in my Word serves a purpose. What was documented many years ago, because I am timeless, can help you even now. I remember when my daughter, Mary, came to my Son about her brother, Lazarus. How she said to him, “Lord, if you had been there, my brother would not have died.” I remember how my Son felt when he saw her weeping. It caused him to groan in his spirit. It caused him, too, to weep. He was the Savior of your world. And still, his heart felt. Still, as a man, he wept.

My son, even now, there is the spirit of Mary upon a woman who loves you. She beckons for me to come to you…to raise you from the dead…to heal you of your wounds. Do you not think I am aware of those wounds? The ones that are gaping open. The ones that are affected and infected inside? The ones that consist of the men who fondled you as toddlers? Of the women who degraded you as children? Do you not think I am aware that you have silently cried so many nights with little comfort about the precious gift of virginity that was taken from you? About the unattended pangs of abuse that have gone unnoticed for so long that it has led you to believe that you are no longer in pain? It hurts me because I know that you long for the innocent kisses and hugs that your parents, both of your parents, should have given you. I know that is why you settle for one-nighters…sometimes overnight in your apartment…other times in hotel rooms by the hour. I know that you are a victim.

But listen to me. I created you to be victorious. Where one is called, he is often attacked but by me, he is also chosen to overcome it. I know it’s hard to have faith in the midst of your suffering, but please hear me when I say that My Son, your brother, shed his blood so that you wouldn’t have to pay such a dear price for affection, affirmation, attention. And yet, because you are not reminded of this nearly as much as you need or deserve, here you are. Paying. Losing. Yourself. Daily.

The wages of sin is death and I see the mess that you are in…that you have made. As your Creator, I should be angry. But as your Father, I just want to love on you. I want to validate you. I want you to hear from me, the King of the Universe and the One who loves you like you were the only thing I ever made, that what was done to you was wrong. Not having a good father in your home to set an example to you was wrong. Not having someone acknowledge your tears and fears as you were maturing so that you could process emotional development now was wrong. Not having healthy images to set a standard for you in the media, at your school, in your church, even in your intimate circles is wrong. For you to have to figure this all out alone? Son, that is so wrong and it was never a part of my original plan.

I want to heal you. Please let me help to make it right…to make this all right. I know it must be hard when you’ve been wondering where I was all of this time. It’s fair to ask yourself, to ask me, how I could love you and allow such vile things to happen. Honestly, I’ve asked myself how I can expect you to have faith in me as a man when your trust in me as a boy was so severely shaken. How can I be surprised by what I see when I know the foundation it was built upon? Even though you carry my spirit, how can I overlook that you are also made of flesh and flesh doesn’t have the same kind of perspective…vision…ultimate state of surrender to my will and my way.

I know you have so many questions that have gone unanswered. All I can say right now is that if you choose to believe in me, in time, my time, I will make more things clear. There is no excuse for abuse. My son, there is no excuse and I know you needed to hear that…from me. However, I do want to show you what my love can do. What purpose past pain can serve. What I desire for you to have that the Enemy has systematically and generationally tried to rob you of. He’s so jealous of you, don’t you see? He knows how much I love my firstborn. Please let me show you what I initially had in mind…before he tried to separate us…before it all. Please let me guide you back to what’s right.

I want to get back to the basics. To the beginning. To when you had dominion over your world; to when I brought one woman to you to bring you pleasure…and favor…and the admiration, affection and attention that you so secretly crave. Cravings are a result of deficiencies. I created Adam lacking nothing. Your fetishes are a result of your unmet desires. I understand that, but they won’t fill you. I didn’t make you to be a sexual robot. I made you to be a king of authority. To live. To laugh. TO FEEL. To possess this land and then enjoy the fruit of your labor. Your work was never meant to go unrewarded. In my ultimate plan, your mind, body and spirit were to be shielded by a holy covenant and within that covenant, children were to be created that will not only respect me, but will honor you. My son, honor comes with your gender. You do not have to earn esteem. I set into motion that you should have respect, first and foremost, self-respect. And from others, praise. Yes, I created you to be recognized as royalty.

You were not to be a slave. Especially to what I put you in place to cover. Yes, I should be angry with how far from this reality you are, but all I feel at this moment is compassion…patience…love because I know how much you are hurting. I know this because I know you better than you know yourself. No man who really sees himself is blinded by sin. I want to show you what I see in you. It’s mind-blowing…miraculous…the truest essence of manhood.

Love is not a sign of weakness. Love is actually what will reveal this.

Please, again, let me love you. Don’t continue to let the Enemy molest you. Please, give me a just few moments in time to embrace you…to make this right again. To bind up your wounds…to restore what has been taken…to fight the battles of your past demons; the ones that keep haunting and taunting you. My son, you are a warrior. I made you that way. But this one? This struggle for your spiritual and sexual identity? Rest in me and the assurance that THIS IS NOT YOUR BATTLE. When it comes to spiritual warfare, first and foremost, the fight is always mine.

But, unlike many others, I respect your position. I will not move on your behalf…unless you allow me. However, I am asking your permission because the Enemy has more traps and tricks in mind for you. I want to help, but I know that others have robbed you of your space and right to choose. I refuse to do that. I will wait until you surrender to my will. All I ask is that you consider doing that…now. I want to resurrect your spirit…even now.

This life that you are living, the way you are living it, is no life for you. I’m coming to you, at this very moment, my spirit heavy with a sense of urgency, because I need you to know that when I look at you, even in the midst of it all, you still bring me so much pride and joy. You are my son and there are no regrets. My anger is actually what sin is doing to you. I made you to stand strong but to do that, you must be strong. Healing is what will empower you. Forgiving is what will enable you. Refraining is what will inspire you. Obeying is what will deliver you. Serving me is what will make you…your all.

I know this road has not been an easy one. I also know there are a lot more stumbling blocks ahead. But before you take one more step, I want to tell you one-on-one just what I think of you and desire for you. It’s so much more than this. As my son, you automatically have access to an inheritance beyond your wildest imagination. It’s still within your right to dream just as you did in high school. Did you think I forgot about those desires? All is not lost. There is still much to gain. I have so much for you. Please let what’s holding you go so that I can grant it to you. Open your hands to receive. Just this once try and trust me. As the One who made you, I will not disappoint. Please allow me the awesome privilege, my son, MY SON, the son of the King of Kings, to not disappoint. To put you back into position.

I love you.

I love you past your pain and your mistakes.

I love you with an everlasting love.

Please. With the childlike faith you once had…just this once….

Leap. Let me catch you. Let me lead. Let me be…

Not just your God…but…

Your Heavenly Father, too.

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

"Men carry the vision and the seed; women are the ones that carry it and birth it."---LaDrena Bolden

Seed. The propagative source of something. The sperm. The offspring. The ovum or ova.

Seed. When used with an object (bookmark that), it means to sow; to place in the hopes of a profit; to develop or stimulate.

If you are a single person, I pray that this will provide you with a deeper insight into covenant selection when it comes to joining yourself to a LIFELONG PARTNER.

If you are married, I pray this will offer greater insight into the covenant that you are already in.

For all people, even those who do not desire marriage (which means you are taking an oath of abstinence, right?-I Corinthians 6:16), I hope this will give you clarity on the purpose of Adonai-ordained relationships, period: personal or professional. Although this will be more about marriage than anything else, if you have some questions on if a relational season is beginning or ending (Ecclesiastes 3), this should at least provide a few answers.

Relationships are vital in this world. There’s no way around that. One of the first scriptures that comes to mind in reference to this is Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NKJV): “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.” So, no wonder the Enemy would do his best to try and break them up. I think I mentioned this a few devotionals ago, but it definitely bears repeating. If you are currently in a marital covenant, you already have A LOT OF POWER at your disposal. A LOT:

"Also, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about something and pray for it, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. This is true because if two or three people come together in my name, I am there with them."---Matthew 18:19-21 (NKJV)

By two people coming together in agreement, whatever they pray for they can have? Yeah. If you’re married, you don’t think the Enemy is quick to try and break that up? If you’re single, you don’t think the Enemy wouldn’t try and deter you from such a privilege? After all, “steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10) is his hobby of choice. That said, if you are a part of a covenant union, no matter what discourse may be going on (and I sense there is a lot these days), if you are considering ending your marriage because of it, please remember you serve a God of love that hates division (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). Tearing oneness apart is a gruesome act (Malachi 2:16)…for both the husband and wife (whether immediately or eternally) and no matter what is going on, the most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Your Heavenly Father sees, hears and knows all. Covenants are never just a two-party agreement (Matthew 19:4-6). He joined two together. Don’t take (permanent) separation lightly. Marital vows are to your spouse, but they are also unto the Lord (Ecclesiastes 5:4-5). As much as it is within your power to make it work, please do (I Corinthians 7:14). What is not within your power, give over to the Lord way before giving in to defeat (I John 4:4).

But this isn’t really about divorce. This is about one purpose of marriage that doesn’t get addressed nearly as much as I think it should: sowing seed and reaping harvest. The lead quote comes from a friend of mine who is in a very powerful friendship with another. It consists of one man and one woman. There is no sexual history. They pray for one another. They “touch and agree”. The have true agape love and also have an understanding that with that love comes a time for accountability and rebuke (Proverbs 27:6). It’s good ground (bookmark that, too). Well, as she was praying for him earlier this week, she wrote me to say, “This is the revelation I had....men carry the vision and the seed, women are the ones that carry it and birth it. I am here to help [him] birth his visions. That tripped me out. I was like hmmmmmm, ummmmm ok. Now let me ask you, does this make sense to you in your spirit?”

DOES IT MAKE SENSE? Ms. Bolden, when it comes to the spiritual side of relationships, it takes things to an entirely different stratosphere! What would marriages be like if people really looked at it from this perspective? If when we read the Lord’s blessing over Adam and the Woman’s union in Genesis to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), that we took that beyond one of the purposes of sex (Genesis 2:24-25), which is procreation? A fruitful relationship should “produce good results”; “cause to bear abundance”; be “conducive to productivity”. It should be advantageous, beneficial, effective, prolific, rewarding, successful, useful and worthwhile. When the Lord spoke to the male and female joining together (the only organic way procreation can take place), he wanted them to fill the earth with more of their own kind, indeed; but he also instructed them to have dominion over the earth and to be its master. And he spoke to their source of sustenance as well: SEED:

“God said, ‘Look, I have given you all the plants that have grain for seeds and all the trees whose fruits have seeds in them. They will be food for you.’”---Genesis 1:29 (NCV)

On the third day of creation, the Godhead introduced seed to the earth (Genesis 1:11-13). SEED IS A BIG DEAL. But it’s this line right here, found in verse 12 that I want to pause and reflect on today: “Each seed grew its own kind of plant.”

This week, a spiritual/love brother of mine, Joseph Matthew Richey, under the unction of our Father, called a 21-day non-processed foods fast. It’s called “Fast Forward”. During the hours of 3pm-10pm, there is a very specific way that we must eat. Well, for the past couple of days (and I’m sure it’s because fasts usually affect the flesh, first), I’ve been hearing the word “organic” in my spirit; that I should pursue things that are organic, even in the relational sense and I should release things that are not; things that need to be “covered up” with so much just to make it even seem remotely appealing. You know the kind: sexual because there’s no real intimacy; dramatic because there’s no real substance; habitual because well, that’s all there is…habit.

You’d have to be living under a rock to not know that marriage is a desire of my heart (Psalm 37:4) at the time the Lord sees fit. I’d have to be living under a rock to not see that he’s starting to line some things up…quicker and clearer than ever when it comes to that request. Yesterday, I was provided with a surefire way to know the organic one from the ones who are filled with “additives”: he will be intrinsic. INTRINSIC. A word just for me from the Lord but one that people really should think about applying to their own lives. What does Genesis 1:12 say? That each seed grows its own kind of plant, right? The Lord told me that my mate and I would be intrinsic. We would be “belonging to a thing by its very nature”; “belonging to or lying within a given part”.

And here is where it gets really good.

Those of us who fight for marriage to remain between a man and a woman, if we’re really paying spiritual attention, it’s because we are looking to get restored back to the Garden of Eden (as much as possible). Back to a time when man and woman weren’t just given dominion but lived in it. To Bible believers, marriage is a faith-based union, indeed. But it’s also where we understand the purpose of the relationship beyond physical attraction and even certain levels/layers of love. Genesis 1:12 says that seeds were made to produce its own kind of plant. Now let’s jump up a few verses. In Genesis 2:22-23 (NCV), the Word says this:

“The LORD God used the rib from the man to make a woman, and then he brought the woman to the man. And the man said, ‘Now, this is someone whose bones came from my bones, whose body came from my body. I will call her 'woman,' because she was taken out of man."

Adam and the Woman? They were an INTRINSIC COUPLE. She belonged to him because she was taken out of one of his given parts (by the Creator). It’s the only recorded time when a person was made in this way. Since then, the Lord has used SEED. The first reference to this is when the curses were handed out and he told the serpent that he would be enmity (hatred) between the Woman’s seed and his own(Genesis 3:15).

Seed. Again, it is a powerful thing.

As I was piecing all of this together, I must admit that it even had me so floored that I had to take a nap. Marriage should be a faith-foundation (2 Corinthians 5:7) union for the purpose of taking dominion of this earth and being fruitful while doing it. When selecting a covenant partner, because it is a spiritual union, the Spirit should do the choosing because we only live by following the Spirit (Galatians 5:16). When you sow to the flesh, you die to it (Galatians 6:8). And because the entire point of seed is to plant to produce more of its kind, your mate should be of intrinsic value to you.

Have you ever noticed old married couples? They look alike. The walk alike. They finish each others’ sentences. They belong to one another by their very nature. In a covenant union, there is no such thing as “irreconcilable differences”. You are a part of one another. You work it out. Not just for your sake, but the sake of the generations that are to follow. And so yes, if you are single, that is something else to bear in mind. DON’T JUST LOOK FOR THE MAN/WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS (watch what you’re dreaming about in making that wish list, too, y’all-Romans 1:21-22), BUT THE FATHER/MOTHER OF YOUR SEED. What lifestyle/values/lineage does that person come from? How important is their relationship with the Creator? Are they organically/intrinsically compatible with your spirit man/woman? Because of the flesh’s disdain for the spirit, it will tempt you to look for things that will appease your carnality and to be quite honest, that is why a lot of marriages are suffering in the way that they currently are. Cite divorce documents or hear people’s testimonies and you will see that many of these are the reason for the break-up:

“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”---Galatians 5:19-21 (NKJV)

And due to brokenness, fear, unresolved anger, non-repentance or a deliberate/rebellious decision not to reconcile, rather than accessing the kingdom of God (something that marriage is a part of, by the way), they inherit these fleshly strongholds, instead and pass them down. The seed of the flesh produces more of its kind.

The Bible tells us that a tree is known by its fruit. SINGLES, TEST THE FRUIT. Right under the above scriptures are the signs of a spirit-led person:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”---Galatians 5:22-23 (NKJV)

The Message Version puts it this way:

“But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.”

Spirit-based relationships have a willingness to stick with things. Spirit-led people find themselves involved in loyal relationships. Which brings me all the way back to LaDrena’s point about one of the main purposes of man and woman coming together. When it comes to making a baby, a man comes with a certain kind of seed (sperm). A woman comes with a certain kind of organ to develop and birth that seed (uterus). Two men can’t make that happen…organically. Two women can’t, either. This is the “decent order” (I Corinthians 14:40) of our Father’s plan and we are not wise enough to question it in a way that will ever make sense to our flesh in this lifetime. That’s just the way it is (Isaiah 55:8-9).

But to the married people, I want to encourage you to take this beyond a physical imparting, birth and child. There are so many visions that men have. Not to say that women don’t, but is it not interesting that with all that Adam was given, he still needed some help? GOD SAID SO (Genesis 2:18). Even with all of the instructions/privileges/power that he was given, the Lord said it wasn’t good for him to be alone. He would make a helper that was right…suitable…appropriate…RIGHTEOUS for him. There was so much seed in Adam, that the Lord created a vessel to help him carry it through. A “seed bearer”…someone he could bring his ideas to that would carry and uphold them…someone he could transfer his hopes into that would help him develop a profit---literally and spiritually. He doesn’t have it within himself to “stimulate his seed” alone in the way that his helpmate can. HE WASN’T CREATED TO. His wife gains him favor with God (Proverbs 18:22) that takes his seed to new levels. Simply put, MARRIAGE DEVELOPS THINGS…SUPERNATURALLY.

Which brings me to my final point.

I initially thought that El Berith, the God of Covenant, was going to use an entirely different set of lead verses for this message:

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”---Galatians 6:7-9 (NKJV)

Whether you are the seed carrier (man/husband) or seed bearer (woman/wife), whatever your current condition is, the Bible speaks to it being a direct cause and effect. Flesh brings forth corruption. Spirit brings forth eternal life. If you are in a situation where either the seed carrier is carnal or the seed bearer is, remember that the harvest comes when the two things are both at work. There can be no harvest with just the seed or the soil; the sperm or the uterus; the vision or the one who helps to birth it:

“For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.”---I Corinthians 7:14 (NKJV)

Whatever your spouse is “weak in faith” in at this moment (Hebrews 11), the Word says that it’s due to your union, YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE UNION, that you are able to set him/her apart, you are able to aid in the purification and consecration process. MARRIAGE MAKES THAT POSSIBLE. And so, to you, the ones tempted to call it quits, I would simply remind you not to become weary. As a good seed carrier or bearer, in DUE SEASON you will reap.

But actually, as I was praying about this message, it was the lead verses that the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:12) led me to. Although these verses are often used in reference to tangible items, they definitely can apply to other things. Light bulb moment? The reason why a lot of people are not seeing the kind of marital harvest they would like is because of the amount of seed they are sowing (men) or how they are carrying the seed they’ve been given (women).

If you are a husband, spiritual laws are just that. There is even science to how the Lord operates. If you sow a little bit of love…or peace…or longsuffering…into your wife, what kind of harvest are you really expecting? Wives, if you receive an abundant seed of kindness, goodness and faithfulness but you uproot it with nagging, bitterness and jealousy, what kind of harvest are you really expecting? WHAT YOU GIVE IS WHAT YOU GET. FOR THERE TO BE A BOUNTIFUL HARVEST, THE TWO MUST WORK TOGETHER. THERE MUST BE THE UTMOST RESPECT GIVEN TO THE SEED CARRIER AND THE SEED BEARER.

I spent a bit of time on the whole “seed/sow/harvest” process and it really hit me when I checked out one definition of “harvest”: “a supply of anything gathered at maturity…” What’s a scripture that I quote in almost every devotional that I write? TIMING IS THE FATHER’S BUSINESS? (Acts 1:7-Message) Now here’s where the third cord in the covenant comes in. The man is the seed carrier. The woman is the seed bearer. The Father is who brings the seed, once it’s planted, into maturity. This gives me a greater insight into why the Lord hates divorce so. In many cases, either the seed carrier, bearer or both, have taken time into their own hands. They have decided that because they don’t see a harvest when or in the way that they deem fit, that they should uproot what has been planted. That is prideful and it brings for the destruction (Proverbs 16:18). No wonder the Word says things like “A friend loves at ALL TIMES” (no wonder you should marry your friend-Proverbs 17:17). No wonder the Bible states that God makes EVERYTHING beautiful in its TIME.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11) No wonder we are told that a wise man (or woman) discerns TIME and judgment (Ecclesiastes 8:5). No wonder El Shaddai, the All Sufficient God, is called, “The Lord of the Harvest.” (Matthew 9:38)

And so, with this, I leave you.

Men, you are powerful on this earth. You carry seed; the propagative source of so many things.

Women, you are to be honored as well. You are the helpmates, the seed bearers, the ones to carry, uphold and bring things into fruition.

If you a single man, look for a spiritual seed bearer. One that will not just “take your seed”, but nurture and develop it.

If you are single woman, look at the seed of a man. An apple tree cannot produce oranges. I’m sure this is what grandma meant when she said you can’t change a man. Only God can take something from one thing into another, but don’t play God in courtship. You are a worthy vessel. Take heed to what you allow to be planted into you---physically, emotionally and especially spiritually.

If you’re a husband or wife, don’t try and do what you cannot. You cannot control the harvest time. You can only control where and how you plant your seed. The rest is up to the One who created you with the ability to carry or bear the seed to begin with.

And to everyone reading this, please pray for organic relationships. Spiritually organic ones at that. Ones that are spiritually necessary. Spiritually original. Spiritually undivided. Spiritually whole.

So that whatever you purpose to multiply, it will be a blessing to this dying world. Your seed will be worthy of producing more of its kind. It will be a harvest with the right fruit.

The Fruit of the Spirit.

Ripe and ready.

Just as the Father intended...all along.

In the Garden of Eden.

And still...even now.

©Shellie R. Warren/2010

Be happy as you plant your seed. Harvest season is on the way. (Acts 1:7-Message)

Of this, I am finally and peacefully sure.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Yield: to give up, as to superior power or authority; to give up or surrender (oneself); to give up or over; relinquish or resign; to give as due or required; to give a return, as for labor expended; produce; bear

Persuade: to prevail on (a person) to do something, as by advising or urging; to induce to believe by appealing to reason or understanding; convince; to draw or incline to a determination by presenting sufficient motives

Gentle: kindly; amiable; not severe, rough, or violent; mild; not steep or sudden; gradual; easily handled or managed; tractable; polite; refined; to mollify; calm; pacify; honorable; respectable; tender; not strong, loud, or disturbing; easy

Quiet: free, or comparatively free, from noise; restrained in speech, manner, etc.; saying little; free from disturbance or tumult; tranquil; peaceful; being at rest; refraining or free from activity, esp. busy or vigorous activity; making no disturbance or trouble; not turbulent; peaceable; motionless or moving very gently; free from disturbing thoughts, emotions, etc.; mentally peaceful; said, expressed, done, etc., in a restrained or unobtrusive way; subdued

Spirit: the principle of conscious life; the vital principle in humans, animating the body or mediating between body and soul; an attitude or principle that inspires, animates, or pervades thought, feeling, or action

OK, ladies (and gents) in waiting. We are actually nearing the end of this “series” journey. God, through the power of the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:12), was pretty clear with me on how this should go and so, I don't foresee there being more than one or two after this. Now, who knows what God will inspire once this is completed, but I think for now that we all have received enough to pray about/meditate upon/walk through in preparation for the king/queen that is to come.

As I was brought to this lead scripture, I couldn't help but think how, in many ways, this message has come full circle. Ladies (because you were actually the inspiration for this series), we started out with the instructed vision on how to pen 365 ways to love our husbands within the first year of marriage (Deuteronomy 24:5). Now, God is showing us how to win our mates over in the sense of making them confident with their choice; especially the ones who do not (initially) obey (to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of) God's teaching(s). (Bookmark that.)

You see, here is what I want you to catch: Remember how Proverbs 18:22 tells us that he who finds a WIFE finds a good thing? I have said several times that because it doesn't say, “He who finds a WOMAN”, then that must mean that we must be wives---in the sense of being “wife quality”---when he gets to us. Now, I didn't see this curve ball coming, but I am so thankful that God is into the details; that since God cares about the numbers of hairs on our head (Luke 12:7), then he certainly is interested in our desire to be married and putting us all onto the path that will ultimately lead us to love, peace and harmony.

PLEASE PAY CLOSE ATTENTION. Some of you are going to be set free...liberated...released from the fear that's been holding you, not just from your mate, but from yourself and the purpose that God has in mind for you as it relates to your mate. (John 8:36)

Now, let me say to the guys that while there will be a section written especially for you, this intro is for the ladies. I urge you to read it because I think it will help us make some better sense to you as well, but if you feel like you are on the outside looking in, in a way you are right. This is something that God wants to share with his daughters...a secret that he is about to reveal because they have asked for clear direction in this area (Amos 3:7, Jeremiah 33:3).

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a married male friend of mine about how he knew his wife (of several years) was the one for him. He went on to explain that the day he met her, he watched how she treated her family and friends...especially the children around her. In his mind he thought, “Crap! I'm not ready. I enjoy being single...but you don't see ones like her often. I can't let her pass me by.”

AND HE DIDN'T.

Now, watch this, ladies: God is about to bless you...and release you from your anxiety. (Philippians 4:6) Being that we should be “wifeys” when our intendants approach us (or God brings us to them), go again to the lead scripture and see the kind of wife we should be to bring our husbands to a certain place in their walk with God. Now, the one part that does need to be tweaked a bit is that until we are married...until we are “one” with our mate (by God joining us to them-Matthew 19:6), the one who we should be “yielding” to is God. But the rest, we can leave “as is” to understand the direction that God is giving us in this season (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

You all probably know by now that I am a pretty inquisitive chick. Well, I have “polled” many men about marriage and do you know what a lot of them have said? It wasn't so much that they HAD to get married, so much as they HAD to be with the one that they chose to marry. In other words, they didn't want to lose her, they knew what was required to get/keep her and that was one of the main motivations for jumping the broom. THEY WERE PERSUADED TO MAKE A TRANSITION FROM SINGLE MAN TO HUSBAND.

In my prayer time today, God was showing me though these verses what a lot of us do wrong during our waiting season. Just today, I was talking to a wife of almost 20 years about feeling like I was headed towards a “project” when it came to being united with my future mate. Her response, “Honey, they are ALL projects.” I drove home really letting that sink in. As long as we are living in this sinful world, our flesh and spirit are going to be, as the Bible says, lusting against one another. (Galatians 5:16-17) So, like it or not, there is always going to be an inclination for people to run from the very things that are meant to restore and save them, with one of the main ones being, love. And, while I think a lot of us want to be married, the reckless actions of singles and the (un)successful rate of marriage reveals that many of us don't take the “true love mission” part of marriage's purpose to heart:

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.”---Proverbs 10:12 (NKJV)

“Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”---Romans 13:10 (NKJV)

“Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”---Luke 17:3 (NKJV)

“My brothers and sisters, God called you to be free, but do not use your freedom as an excuse to do what pleases your sinful self. Serve each other with love.”--Galatians 5:13 (NCV)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin, too. By helping each other with your troubles, you truly obey the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is important when he really is not, he is only fooling himself.”---Galatians 6:1-3 (NCV)

“If anyone sees a brother or sister sinning (sin that does not lead to eternal death), that person should pray, and God will give the sinner life. I am talking about people whose sin does not lead to eternal death. There is sin that leads to death. I do not mean that a person should pray about that sin. Doing wrong is always sin, but there is sin that does not lead to eternal death.”---I John 5:16-17 (NCV)

My point in listing these scriptures? Well, something that one of my married girlfriends told me was that she recently heard a sermon in which the pastor said that one of the biggest problems with marriages today is that couples don't respect one another as BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST....you know, what we all are in the spirit realm, whether we are married to one another or not. It kind of goes along with my theory that many people seem to be better friends with the same sex than with members of the opposite sex (I hardly ever put the “If you do this to me, we're through” mandates on my girlfriends...especially like I do with guys.) What I'm trying to say is that love is good...but for a relationship to work AND to last, mutual respect and a sincere liking for one another are just as important...with a purpose of witnessing and serving one another.

So, ladies, because we live in a sinful world (I John 2:2)...because sin caused curses to come upon both the man and woman which now makes things more challenging than God ever purposed for them to be (Genesis 3:15-19)...and because the Enemy's mission is about division (John 10:10), we have to be open to the fact that a part of marriage is to restore what has once been lost.

Something that my mom often says when we speculate about the emotional chemistry between Adam and Eve after they were put out of the Garden, is that there had to have been some real trust lost between the two of them. They stayed together, so it would appear that love was still there...but a mutual respect and liking? Eh, I'm not so sure how solid that was; at least not like it was in the Garden. Why do I say that? Because SIN CHANGES THINGS. Sin's mission is to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) any and all that God put in place. One of the greatest gifts that God ever gave mankind was marriage. It did not come after sin....it was created in the world's perfect state. Therefore, you can best believe that the Enemy will do ALL THAT HE CAN to curse such a blessed union.

He knows that a wife was to be a helper to man. (Genesis 2:18) He knows that a wife is to bring favor to man. (Proverbs 18:22) He knows that a wife is the crown of her husband (Proverbs 12:4) and that a virtuous one is worth more than the most beautiful of gemstones. (Proverbs 31:10) Family, we were made in the image of God...the Enemy HATES that. (Genesis 1:26-27) One of us standing alone is a challenge. Two of us united as one is a threat. ANYTHING THAT HE CAN DO TO KEEP A MAN FROM A WOMAN, HE WILL DO. If he has to use fear, sex, pride, our past, spiritual/biblical ignorance, greed...whatever, he will use it.

What God showed me today that BLEW MY MIND is that many women will bring their husbands to them by doing what the lead scripture instructs. See, the truth is that a lot of men, by the choices they are currently making, are just like the husbands who are not obeying God. If a man is having sex outside of covenant, he is not obeying God. If a man is putting anything (even if it's his career and financial state) before submitting to his Heavenly Father, he is not obeying God. If a man is so angry about what his father/mother did/didn't do that he cannot forgive, he is not obeying God. And, what does the Word say that wives are to do to persuade their husbands to respect God...to restore what was lost? THEY ARE TO WATCH HOW WE LIVE; not in what we say, but what we do.

A lot of us don't want to hear this, but the truth is that a lot of men are hesitant about getting married because they don't see enough “wives” out here. The Word says that it is our PURE (free from anything of a different, inferior, or contaminating kind) lives that show our respect for God that will “urge”...”induce”...”appeal”...”incline” a man to believe in the power of God. Can you believe it? Talk about restoring what the locusts have eaten! (Joel 2:23-25) A woman is what tempted a man to partake in sin (Genesis 3:6) and the Word says that it is through a woman than a man can be restored back to his rightful place...being in relationship with God.

AMAZING!!! Now, do you see why the Enemy wants us half-dressed...settin' it out...compromising our values...chasing them down...being desperate, loud, bitter, jealous, competitive, covetous and angry? ANYTHING THAT WILL KEEP US FROM BEING PURE? It's because he knows that is what will win a man back to God...that is the kind of wife that will change a man's life.

I am so full, I can't stand it! And here, is where we will briefly split up:

Men: It's actually pretty plain and simple for you. WATCH HOW THE WOMEN YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY LIVE. The Bible says that a woman who is more concerned with her outward appearance is not what God defines as truly beautiful. Fellas, you were made in the image of God and so within you is the ability to be equally as discerning. The hair? The jewelry? The clothes? Those things are temporal...they will pass away (Luke 21:33), but the virtue of a woman will stand, or as the Word states, IT WILL NEVER BE DESTROYED. Ask God to show you how to see the spirit of a woman as apposed to her physical stature. Yes, I believe that God wants you to be attracted to your mate, but more importantly, he wants your soul to be saved. It's a PURE woman that will assist you in doing that.

And while I'm at it, don't spend a lot of time on if you are “good enough” so much as if you are being obedient to the unction of your Father. I Samuel 15:22 says that it is better to obey than to sacrifice. Some of you are sacrificing so many of the unbelievable things that he has in mind for you all because you are not listening to what he is trying to tell you. YOUR WAYS ARE NOT HIS WAYS and neither are your thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). He knows, far better than you do, the woman who is spiritually-equipped to bring you favor---even when it comes to stabilizing your relationship with him.

Women: God made it clear the kind of woman a pure woman is. Her spirit is gentle and quiet. Now, did you catch that he used the word, “spirit”? That means that our attitude (AT ALL TIMES) is to be kind, polite, calm and tender. That means that we should live our lives based on principles rooted in things that are free from noise and turbulence; that we should make it a point daily to be free from disturbance and trouble; that we are to be mentally peaceful and that we should move through life gently. In other words, we are to be free from DRAMA.

Newsflash: When it comes to women, men are used to drama. As a matter of fact, it's such a part of their diet that many of them don't see that it's junk food for the soul; that it's killing them slowly...but definitely (yes, Twinkies look appealing and taste good, but that doesn't mean that they are good for you). What's one definition of “insanity”? Doing the same thing and expecting a different result, right? A drama-filled woman may get a man, but she won't keep him. You want a godly husband? Are your actions reflecting what you say?

If you want a husband, purpose in your mind to be a PURE WIFE...even before he chooses you. There's a great chance that in how you live your life NOW, on the front end, it will then persuade him to move from being a compromised single to a godly husband...again, not from what you say, but from watching what you do. GOD HAS SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN US that stated that our mere presence can convict a man to change his ways; that we are the agent that he is relying on to assist him in his mission to bring mankind back to him...it's purity, not our looks, that has this kind of affect on a person. It's purity that has life-altering power.

I can't tell you how much this message has changed my life and my perspective. It's not about coming up with strategies and manipulations. Even if my future husband is not ready...is running...is fearful...is rebellious...is carnal, God just wants to me to be still (Psalm 46:10) and be pure. With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26) and it's my purity that he is asking me to give to him to manifest those possibilities.

Do you feel the burdens coming off of you? Do you see that you don't have to do anything other than being who God called you to be in the first place?

I so love him. An on-time, restoration message for me (and my husband-to-be), indeed.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Control: to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command; to hold in check; curb; to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of; the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another; check or restraint

Better: of superior quality or excellence; morally superior; more virtuous; of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, etc.; preferable; larger; greater; improved in health; healthier than before; in a more appropriate or acceptable way or manner; to a greater degree; more completely or thoroughly; to increase the good qualities of; make better; improve

Burn: to consume; to cause sharp pain or a stinging sensation; to consume rapidly, esp. to squander; to suffer losses or be disillusioned in business or social relationships; to cheat or rob; to be or become angry; to be very eager; to suffer punishment or death by or as if by fire; to be destroyed, injured, damaged, or changed by or as if by fire; an act, process, or result of burning; a sensation of intense heat or stinging pain

And, here we go: Perhaps, one of the most “taken out of context” scriptures ever used when it comes to transitioning out of single living and into marriage preparation.

Some people would probably consider me to be a “marriage/wedding hater” because I am notoriously known for not showing up to a ceremony if my spirit doesn't sit well with it. Now mind you, that doesn't mean God didn't call the two together; that is certainly God's call (Ecclesiastes 12:14). But, one of my favorite pastors has said at every wedding that I have attended (that he has officiated) that when you go to a wedding, you are standing in agreement...you are bearing witness...you are basically saying that you are excited about the union.

Uh-huh...well, God gave me a gift of discernment (all of us actually-Ecclesiastes 8:5) and he instructed me to judge with righteous (characterized by uprightness or morality) judgment (John 7:24) and so therefore:

If he doesn't have a job (and his own place).

If she's still messing with her ex.

If he's confused (and/or acting upon that confusion) about his sexuality.

If she's still working out her past (if she lives like a victim more than a survivor).

If the two of you have only known each other for three months (that means met and mated).

If I never hear “purpose” come up in the motivation.

If their heart for God is not mentioned as a reason why you love him/her.

If there is not a plan in place (that you can articulate) for the marriage beyond the wedding.

If it's only because she's pregnant.

If you mention your age/biological clock.

If the only thing you can tell me is how sick of abstinence you are.

I AM NOT COMING. As a matter of fact, as a believer, it is a responsibility of mine (Proverbs 27:6) to not attend something so sacred as a union between two of God's children if they are ill-prepared. It's not that I don't have faith...it's just that I read ALL of the Word and it says that “Faith without works is dead.” (James 2:14-17) If you believe that someone is your mate, then ask God to put a plan into place to prepare the both of you. If you really think they are “the one” (sooooo preaching to the choir, here), then what's the rush, right? Timing is the Father's business (Acts 1:7-Message) and I don't know about you, but what's the point in reading all of this information that the Godhead is providing if we are not going to use it? A part of “working out our faith” is believing that God's Word (2 Timothy 3:16), instructions and timing are true; that they must be applied unanimously and harmoniously for them to be truly effective in our lives.

Which is why I wish more premarital counselors/pastors were responsible in how they use the lead scripture for this tip. How ironic that it would be #13, because the truth is (John 8:32), if you don't get this one---and I mean, really get it---it could be a really “unlucky” and unfortunate thing for you.

Around the time that God gave me the “Make Him Weak in the Knees” series, as it related to this “better to marry than to burn” PERSONAL pearl of wisdom that Paul provided (umm, you did catch this part in I Corinthians 7, right? “But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.”---I Corinthians 7:6), I remember the Spirit saying to me, “Because fornication is a sin (Ephesians 5:3), it IS better to marry than to burn, but I want more for you than BETTER. If you are homeless, it's BETTER to live in a shelter than on the streets, but wouldn't it be BEST to live in a house? In marriage, you deserve my BEST.”

As God's children (I John 3:1), we all do. To rush to the altar just because you cannot exhibit self-control...well, not only is the not a good enough reason, but it ups your chances for divorce court (and sexual frustration because if emotions will motivate choices now, it probably will later, too) by at least 45-50%. Recently, I was telling a male friend of mine who was talking about how sick he was of abstinence (and I certainly can relate) that there are no guarantees that if you allow lust to motivate you that you will get what you want in the end. Lust is an illusion. As a matter of fact, since lust is love's counterfeit (Galatians 5:16-17); since it's a flesh-rather-than spirit-driven emotion; since it is something that wars against the soul (I Peter 2:11) and in the end brings forth death (James 1:15), to use that as your reason for entering a sacred union instituted by God (Matthew 19:6)...well...good luck with that. You're gonna need it.

Besides, self-control IS a Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and that doesn't stop after singleness. As a matter of fact, Paul said that one of the reasons why he recommended that we remain single is that unmarried people are free to care about the things of the Lord (I Corinthians 7:32). Now, if as a single person you have a hard time controlling yourself when all you really have to concern yourself with is you and your relationship with God (the one who told you that if you draw near to him, he will cleanse your hands and purify your hearts-James 4:8), I'm curious to know how you think you will be able to pull off self-control in a “till death do you part” situation with another flawed human being. If you can't get a grip and “control of one's emotions, desires, or actions by one's own will” NOW, you are fooling yourself if you think that you can do it...then. The Enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, right? (John 10:10) What he has done to far too many marriages is steal the love that they could have shared as a couple by stealing the self-control that they should have exhibited as singles. Don't let him kill the knowledge and destroy the wisdom that God is trying to give you, in this God-appointed season, concerning this matter. IT IS BY NO COINCIDENCE THAT YOU ARE READING THIS. Marriage has purpose. If you are desiring to be married at this time, ask God to reveal to you what the purpose is for your desire. He only cosigns on what will bring glory to his kingdom FIRST; not what will appease your flesh. Which is why I believe that a lot of us are still single. Don't believe me?

“You want things, but you do not have them. So you are ready to kill and are jealous of other people, but you still cannot get what you want. So you argue and fight. You do not get what you want, because you do not ask God. Or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong. You want things so you can use them for your own pleasures.”---James 4:2-3 (NCV)

OK, I know what some of you are thinking: There are a whole lot of people who are married right now who did it for “sensual” reasons. I feel you, but here's the thing. I know what it's like to TAKE something that God has not GIVEN me. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE. Taking something without asking is not only rude (I Corinthians 13:5), but stealing (Exodus 20:15). I was just reading about an NBA player whose ex and baby were murdered by an attorney that apparently the woman was having an affair with. Just because God allowed that crazy man to take the life of a nine-month-old and her mother, that doesn't mean he willed it---or that his blessing is upon it. Don't you confuse the two issues. YOU DON'T WANT SOMETHING THAT HE ALLOWED. YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT HE WILLED...that you asked (to put a question to; inquire of; to request information about; solicit) for and he gave you permission to have because with that comes his blessing...his favor...his protection...his provision...his joy for/in/around what you are doing.

Do you know something that hit me like a ton of bricks while researching in the Word for this lesson?

“You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.”---John 15:16 (NKJV)

Again, one of the Fruit of the Spirit is self-control, right? If you desire a GODLY UNION, then you need to bear (to produce by natural growth) fruit and allow that fruit to remain (to continue in the same state; continue to be as specified) before coming to the Father...YOUR FATHER about wanting to be married. There needs to be a season in which your spiritual fruit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control) is not only ripe, but evident for all to see. (Matthew 12:33) AND, if you do have your eyes set on someone, or if you are in a current relationship with who you think may be “the one”, there needs to be a season in which you see some fruit within them as well. Two cannot walk together without agreement, right? (Amos 3:3) A part of that agreement is that you want to do things in the Spirit and not in the flesh (which should be indicative by what they say AND what they do). Again, God is a God of order (I Corinthians 14:40) and so once that happens:

“Also, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about something and pray for it, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.”---Matthew 18:19 (NCV)

Did you see that? You need to both agree and pray for it. WHEW!!! A good sign of a relationship on the right track is that both people are in agreement (that they should not just love one another, but honor God, exhibit spiritual fruit and have a desire to find their mate) and that they are both praying. Family, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LINKED UP TO SOMEONE WHO AIN'T A PRAYING PERSON; and not just praying, but listening. One of my favorite scriptures of all time is Proverbs 28:9 (Message):

“God has no use for the prayers of the people who won't listen to him.”

Prayer is how we petition God about the directions that he has for our lives. (Proverbs 3:6) When it comes to seeking God about the partner for life that he has in mind for you, you definitely want him to be leading...and you want the person who will be leading/following you to want God to be leading. If you are praying about someone who is currently not a praying person and if you don't see evidence of spiritual fruit GROWING in their lives, at least for now, you already have your answer on if they are the one for you...the answer would be “no”. (Tell him, “Thank Ya!”)

Wow...all that and we haven't even fully gotten into the verse yet. God is so good...and so thorough. We will take the male/female fork in the marriage prep road here:

Men: OK, I am speaking to Bible-believers here, but you DO recall what the Word says, right? If you can't control yourself sexually, you would be better off getting married. IF YOU CAN'T STOP DEFILING YOUR TEMPLE AND THE TEMPLE OF GOD'S DAUGHTERS (I Corinthians 6:19) THEN YOU NEED TO BE MARRIED. It's more virtuous, it's more morally superior, it's more appropriate and (hello) HEALTHIER to marry. I even have an article to prove it: http://www.hope.edu/academic/psychology/335/webrep/healthmarriage.htm

Have you ever abused a girl and had her father find out about it? It's not a good look. When you are being sexually-active with a woman who does not belong to you (that means who is not your wife), you are “abnormally using” her. And you see, here's the thing: What boggles my mind about you doing that is that in God's Word, there is a solution. You want sex (any kind of sex), GET MARRIED. If you don't want to get married...if you're not ready to get married, then you're not ready for sex. You know how the Word says that the Sabbath was made for man; not man for the Sabbath? (Mark 2:27-28) Marriage was not made for sex. Sex was made for marriage. (SPEAK HOLY SPIRIT!!!) It wasn't like sex existed and God was like, “Oh, let me make it legit and create marriage.” Sex is what solidifies the union of marriage. MARRIAGE COMES FIRST. It is the horse before the cart; the chicken before the egg (I'm pretty confident that God made the chicken, first!) You are trespassing on God's property (a woman) when you are sexually intimate with her without a covenant in place. And don't think that just because you have been “getting away with it” that you...well...are getting away with it.

“And that's it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil.”---Ecclesiastes 12:14 (Message)

So many men want to be respected by women for being a man. For godly women, that is easier to do when you are doing what God created you, as a man, to do: when you are taking dominion over the earth (and yourself-Genesis 1:26-29) and when you are protecting us. Do you know one of the reasons why I am going to try my darnest not to have sex (ANY KIND OF SEX) with my husband before my wedding night? Because I want trust to be the foundation of our union. Being that I know that fornication is wrong and the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23), I can't fully trust someone who would put my spiritual well-being in jeopardy. You “love” me, but you don't mind doing something with me that God abhors? What kind of love is that?

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't need to take responsibility for my own actions. But, what that does mean is that if I am going to follow, I need to trust when you are going to lead (Ephesians 5:22). God is love (I John 4:16) and in my single state, by finally surrendering to him, I see where that is getting me. I am not going to settle for less now. Fellas, love has to lead you ALL OF THE TIME; not lust---EVER.

If you are just “burning up” with passion, how about you spend that energy on getting your queen than chasing the, umm, girls who don't realize (yet) that they are queens. God has no problem giving you sex...under the right circumstances: MARRIAGE.

Women: While I will, for the most part, cosign on Paul's concession (a space or privilege within certain premises for a subsidiary business or service), I just have one brief word of caution to interject here: Passion is not just sexual. It is defined as, “any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate”. Colossians 3:5 (NKJV) tells us, “Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”

If you've never seen “The Other Bolelyn Girl”, PLEASE check it out. Benjamin Franklin once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” Unbridled passion can do some very strange things to a person. He can't wait now, so you rush to the altar? What else can't he “wait” on? A man who says he loves you, but can't wait for/on you (FAITHFULLY)...he's suspect. I Corinthians 13:4, out the gate, describes love as “patient”. If he loves you, he will wait for that love to mature...until God says it's time to move forward.

At the same time, if you love him, you will encourage him to wait and support that decision in ALL that you do. As a woman who used to mark my worth ONLY by my physicality, I'm here to tell you that Delilah (Judges 16) ain't the only woman who can break a man down...but the truth is, at the end of the day, they don't honor you for it...they don't trust you because of it...they can't fully give themselves to you due to it.

Helper. That is the FIRST word that God used to describe the purpose of a wife in the Bible. (Genesis 2:18) I've seen the couples who gave it up on the front end vs. the ones who waited until “I pronounce you husband and wife.” There are some who are currently happy who took that risk, but the ones who didn't...their marriages are FAR LESS dramatic, and I believe it's because they built their union on a SOLID foundation. To gamble on sin is a sucker's bet. If you want to help a man out, if you want to give him “some”, give him some admirable assistance and spiritual support. Be a woman who “...contributes to the fulfillment of a need or furtherance of an effort or purpose”. A man's purpose is never to live a life of spiritual compromise.

Even on my weakest days, something that I try to keep in mind is that if my husband is going to lead me, then he has to be able to keep things under control. I can't encourage him to “lose control” now only to expect him gain it later....and then find myself resenting him because he struggles in doing so. Yes, it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire. However, it is best to marry because I love someone. Love is patient...it takes time. I don't want to marry someone because I couldn't wait. I want to marry someone because God said that we were ready.

You can take this tip and make it “Unlucky 13” or break the curse of impatience in your human trinity (mind/body/spirit), and I suspect for many, your bloodline. The choice is totally up to you.

As for me, I know what I'm gonna do.

See you soon. (14...wow!)

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Affection: fond attachment, devotion, or love; the act of affecting; act of influencing or acting upon; bent or disposition of mind; the emotional realm of love

Authority: the power to determine, adjudicate, or otherwise settle issues or disputes; jurisdiction; the right to control, command, or determine; a power or right delegated or given; an accepted source of information, advice, etc.; an expert on a subject; persuasive force; conviction; right to respect or acceptance of one's word, command, thought, etc.; testimony; witness

Deprive: to remove or withhold something from the enjoyment or possession of (a person or persons); to take something away from; deny

Consent: to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield; to agree in sentiment, opinion, etc.; be in harmony; to be of the same mind or opinion; acceptance or approval of what is planned or done by another; acquiescence

Yes, yes, yes...I knew this one was coming. If you were reading (and processing) the definitions, again, this is one tip that we can already pass the offering plate 'round one time on, but because I know the Lord wants to bring about a greater clarity on the topic, we will proceed.

One of the first things that I think that people, especially men/husbands, miss when quoting these verses is that they don't do it IN ORDER (and we know that we serve a God of order-I Corinthians 14:40). Yes, the Word does say that in a marital union, there should only be ONE REASON why a couple would “deprive one another” (and we will get to that in a minute), BUT do you see what is mentioned before that part?

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

Let's stop at affection first; something that I hear far too many wives say that they are lacking in the receiving department. Now, I will be the first one to stand up and say that one of the worst places to go for information on something as intimate as sex with your covenant partner is the media. I Corinthians 3:19(NKJV) says, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.”

I have told many of my friends that my first (official) sermon was gonna be entitled, “I Live With That Man.” You have NO IDEA how many guys that I have had a straight-up attitude with God about when he “denied me the right” to have them. In my spirit, God was like, “Are you serious? He slept with your girlfriend.” “Are you serious? His credit score is 400.” “Are you serious? He has an STD...and even he doesn't know it yet.” We have to get to a place that we really trust (Psalm 18:2) that in the “Yes” and the “No”, God knows what he's doing...that he created all and sees all. (Psalm 24:1) If there is a person that you desire, trust God to bring them...or take them away, knowing that he loves you enough to deny you no good thing (now, you have to be living right so that you can hear him clearly, of course-Psalm 84:11).

When it comes to intimacy with your mate, this same trust must apply. When the Word said, “Acknowledge him and he will direct you” (Proverbs 3:6), there was no loophole there. You want to know how to please your partner? Porn/Erotica is not going to tell you. Cosmo/Maxim is not going to tell you. Ray J's show is not going to tell you. Lil' Wayne doesn't have clue. (Oh, and for that matter, your parents...your pastors...your mentors should only speak the Word to you when it comes to this as well. What brings them “pleasure” may tend to be very different from what brings you and yours satisfaction...EACH COUPLE IS DIFFERENT.) GO TO GOD.

Now, that said, there was an article that I recently read on women and foreplay for a piece that I'm doing, and being that I am a woman, and I speak to a lot of women, the tips in there appeared to be pretty dead on (and non-biblically compromising). According to the research from this writer, women need their men to:

Hold hands with them

Touch them (at times) in a non-sexual manner

Give them flowers/candy/small gifts

Cuddle with them on the couch

Help around the house with the kids

Give them quiet time

TALK and LISTEN

Now, it's amazing isn't it, fellas? It doesn't say anything in there about grouping her breasts while cooking or slapping her butt while she's getting ready for work (not saying that anything is “wrong” with that...but everything has it's time, place and purpose-Ecclesiastes 3). I believe that because women are nurturers, the way that we are often stimulated is through nurturing. And, because you guys are conquerors, there are moments when you need to feel “conquered”; that we desire you so much that we just can't contain ourselves (duly noted).

But you see, before the sex, Paul spoke on affection...mutual affection at that. I have some male friends right now who don't know how to respond/react to a woman giving them gifts or holding their hand and I think it's because they've gotten a lot of SEX, but very little AFFECTION from women in their past. Your wedding night is not the time to start learning about how to be an affectionate person (male or female). Of course, due to the nature of the relationship, certain “acts of devotion” should be reserved for marriage, but even with your family and friends, this would be a good time to learn how to: touch without letting things become sexual; give gifts expressing your love for others; talk and listen...and yes (a hard one for me at times), give QUIET TIME. Due to schedules and life demands, there may not always be time for the kind of sex you would desire to have with your partner, but you must always make a way to be affectionate with them; to allow your feelings for them to have an influence on you...daily. Romans 12:10 (NKJV) says, “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another...” This should apply with all men/women, but especially with your mate.

Next up, authority.

OK, this one just might step on some toes. Sorry. I was actually kind of thrown myself when I studied up on it. You know, I find it very interesting that when a woman gets pregnant outside of covenant, she often wants to claim sole rights on the baby that belongs to both her and the man that she was impregnated by. If she wants to keep, abort or give up the child for adoption, often in her mind, he should have very little to say because, “It's her body.” Well, it took the lost lives of four of my own children to accept that 1) it's not just “my body” (I Corinthians 6:19) and 2) “MY body” is housing “OUR baby”. I didn't create him/her alone and so I don't have the right to make decisions re: his/her well-being alone. (This is why a single mother saying she is the father and mother is so out of order. You are not even created to/capable of being both!) When a woman is pregnant, she doesn't have the AUTHORITY to make those kinds of decisions...in the godly or physical realm. (Just because God lets us doesn't mean he condones it...that it's his perfect will. It actually means that we have disrespected authority, and there are always consequences that come with doing that.-Galatians 6:7-8)

In a covenant relationship, again, this applies. When you DECIDE (because again, no one is making you take this on) to become “one flesh” with someone (Matthew 19:5-6), you are giving them AUTHORITATIVE RIGHTS WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR BODY (the physical structure and material substance of an animal or plant, living or dead). Like the “unplanned pregnancy” situation, I find it interesting how many women talk about wanting a man's heart, but then want to “buck up” when he makes a suggestion about her body. He should desire you(the same way) even if you gain 50 lbs in two years? He has no right to speak up if you change your hair color and doesn't like it? On the flip, fellas, you grow a beard and she's not really into all of the “hair burns” you are putting on her face? You started out with a six-pack and now you're rollin' with a keg? YOUR MATE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO ADDRESS THESE THINGS. As someone who is one with you, they are given, BY GOD, permission to “delegate”, “convict”, “bear witness to” your physical being (ouch, ouch, ouch, I know!). As your leader/helpmate, they are seen, BY GOD, as “experts on you”.

This is one reason why you should pay very close attention to how a man or woman feels about your physical appearance on the front end (before marriage). If he thinks you're a little “too healthy” (size-wise) now...if she doesn't like how you wear your (facial) hair now...if you never feel good enough (in their eyes) now, then don't expect him/her to let up on you later. Now, as FRIENDS, it's a preference. Later as COVENANT PARTNERS, it's an AUTHORITATIVE INSIGHT...and RIGHT. I've dated men who had near heart-attacks when I would shave my head. Shoot, I have spent 34 years with myself knowing and now accepting that my husband is not gonna too much care what I do with my hair (because creative people tend to be chameleons). Now, that doesn't mean that I won't respect his authority, but I have male friends now who barely blink when I take a pair of clippers to my scalp. My hair is not what they are drawn to....that is not a “deal breaker” in what makes me attractive to them.

During this time of singleness, and especially if you are seriously courting or engaged, listen to how your significant other is responding/reacting to your appearance. We all can (and should, to a certain extent) make suggestions on how others can become more attractive. But IMPROVING you is not the same as CHANGING you. She hates jeans and t-shirts now? Don't trip when she has the AUTHORITY to speak Brooks Brothers suits into your life. He doesn't like tattoos and belly rings now? Don't lose it when he has the AUTHORITY to request that they be removed. When you become one with someone, you don't just stake claim on their heart...you have a huge influence on their body as well. (I know, I know...control freaks, I KNOW!!!)

And yes, “authority” also applies in the bedroom. I am not sure if premarital counseling spends nearly enough time on the “bed being undefiled” chapter (Hebrews 13:4), but when it's time to prepare for walking down the aisle, this must be addressed. I know way too many men who thought they were gonna get, umm, “blessed” in certain ways that their wives actually find to be disgusting and never had any intention on, umm, blessing them with. If your mate is going to have “ a power or right delegated or given” sexually until death parts you, then you need to know what that entails ON THE FRONT END. Sex is a gift in marriage...it's so relevant that it's only for married people. I am especially speaking to the ladies when I say this: Don't get so “brand new” that you think a man who is committing the rest of his life to you is going to want to “cut corners” in the sex department. At the same time, fellas, you don't just have authority over us. We also have authority over you. Sex isn't just about what you want/need to be fulfilled. WE ARE IN THE BED WITH YOU. We have the right to speak up when something is right...and not not-so-right. If you don't want to hear it, you take that up with God. HE GAVE US THE RIGHT TO SPEAK UP WHEN IT COMES TO OUR SEXUAL SATISFACTION. The objective, aside from being fruitful and multiplying (Genesis 1:28) and aside from achieving oneness (Genesis 2:24-25), is pleasure...MUTUAL PLEASURE.

And this is where we will split up.

Men: OK, I chose the NKJV of this scripture because it is the translation that uses the word, “deprive”. Now, I have heard a lot of husbands use this word (almost as a weapon), but based on the definition, I think a lot of times it has been out of context. Yes we, as women, shouldn't keep sex from you without you deciding with us that it's seasonally for a purpose. (Amos 3:3) BUT, do you see that “deprive” doesn't just imply sexual activity? ANYTHING THAT GIVES PLEASURE SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN AWAY. Women don't just need consistent physical intimacy. We need the other things that define pleasure as well: “recreation or amusement; diversion; enjoyment”.

Don't stop dating your wife. Continue to come up with creative ways to express how you feel and how much you love her. The routine of life can make anything a drag after awhile...we love for men to create diversions. When the Word speaks on not depriving your mate, don't keep us from the special things that drew us to you in the first place. Wives love being their husband's girlfriend in the sense of being courted and wooed. THAT SHOULD NEVER END.

Women: I think most of us get the “men section” part. But it seems like the “mutual consent” trips a lot of us up. What I appreciate about the definitions of consent is that there appears to be no manipulation implied. The Bible does indeed tell us that certain things ONLY come by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:20-22), but it also says that we are not to withhold what brings our mates pleasure unless our husbands are under the same mind or opinion...that they permit...that they agree...that they are in harmony with us going without FOR A SEASON. Having a headache...rationing it out...PMS'ing (for half the month), none of these EXCUSES apply (unless the two of you are praying for the Jezebel spirit to be exorcised from you!).

There are way too many women I know who are floored when they find their husbands in an emotional/physical affair when the Bible makes it clear that if you deprive him, you give the Enemy an “in” to your marriage. You ain't had sex with him in six months and you're shocked that he's flirting with his secretary? You shouldn't be. You haven't complimented him in weeks and he's getting chummy with the 36-24-40 neighbor? Girl, please.

Yes, a man is accountable for his actions and what is done in the dark, God will judge. (I Corinthians 4:5), BUT as the woman who is one with him, you will be held accountable for the part that you played in it as well. You deprive your husband, you deny him the affection and authority that God has given him in your life, and yes, you have just played an Oscar-winning supporting cast role in him being tempted by Satan...in him coming in to steal, kill and destroy your union. (John 10:10)

Husbands and wives in training, as you are praying for leadership and guidance in this area, keep in mind that between you and your mate affection is due, authority is given and deprivation is not of God...until death parts you.

You want to “pray and fast” on something, pray and fast on that!

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

“A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.”---Proverbs 31:10-12 (Message)

Virtuous: conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright

Synonyms: blameless, celibate, efficient, faithful, GUILTLESS, high-principled, HONEST, legit, noble, “ON THE LEVEL”, praiseworthy, righteous, right-minded, untainted, without reproach, WORTHY

Good: satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree; of high quality; right; proper; fit; well-behaved; kind, beneficent, or friendly; honorable or worthy; in good standing; educated and refined; financially sound or safe; genuine; not counterfeit; reliable; dependable; responsible; favorable; propitious; cheerful; optimistic; amiable; free of distress or pain; comfortable; attractive; close or intimate; warm; advantageous; SATISFACTORY FOR THE PURPOSE; clever; REMAINING AVAILABLE TO ONE; fertile; loyal

Synonyms: admirable, agreeable, boss, choice, exceptional, FAVORABLE, gratifying, marvelous, pleasing, positive, PRECIOUS, reputable, SATISFYING, sound, WONDERFUL

NOTE TO THE BROTHAS: MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS, TOO. I'll be getting on...I mean, TO YOU, before this is all said and done. OK, this is the Proverbs 31 “I'm Every Woman” remix message. However, since a lot of women are not this kind of woman (yet), I'm gonna be honest with you: Some of you (both men and women) are not going to like me very much by the time this is over, but again, don't shoot the messenger. Whom God loves, he chastens. (Hebrews 12:6) It really is time to get right...or get left.

You know, it's funny because I often hear one of two extremes re: Proverbs 31. Either a woman will say, “I'm discouraged because I can't live up to that”, or “It's just a 'theory'...no woman can live up to that.” I believe that both resolves are based in deep-rooted insecurity sprinkled with a bit of denial. The Bible that I read says that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13) and I John 5:14 assures us that if we ask ANYTHING according to God's will, he hears us. Ladies, you have to have the FAITH (Hebrews 11:1 & 6) that you can become the woman that not only Solomon said you could be...not only the woman you may desire to be...but the woman GOD CALLED YOU to be!

Psalm 149:2 (NKJV) says, “Let Israel rejoice in their Maker; let the children of Zion be joyful in their King.”

Christ said in Mark 3:35 (NKJV), “For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother.”

Do you see the legacy that you are a part of? You are considered a CHILD of the Creator and a SISTER of the Savior. Automatically, as a believer, that makes you nothin' to mess with (literally)! It's sooooooo time out for settling for less than who God says that you are: BOSS, CELIBATE, EXCEPTIONAL, FAITHFUL, HIGH-PRINCIPLED, POSITIVE, RIGHTEOUS, RIGHT-MINDED, WONDERFUL.

You see, the Proverbs 31 woman isn't just some “ideal”. It's the spiritual DNA that lies within every woman. Just because you may not act that way...just because you may have settled for not being treated that way...just because you may not have been properly taught how to be that way, that doesn't mean that God did not make you (and after this message will expect you) to be that way. Today, God is going to speak HEALING and PURPOSE and REVELATION into who and whose you are:

“Sing, O daughter of Zion! Shout, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your judgments, He has cast out your enemy. The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; You shall see disaster no more.”---Zephaniah 3:14-15 (NKJV)

No more disasters (an occurrence causing widespread destruction and distress). How wonderful. Oh, but to be considered a daughter of Zion, choices have to be made...sacrifices have to be made...CHANGES HAVE TO BE MADE. Earlier tonight, while in my sleep (my body clock is all over the place these days), the Holy Spirit really let me have it. (John 14:26):

So, you think you are ready to become one with someone? Not quite. Shellie, we think better of you than the men you've liked. They are not a mirror reflection of your worth....they have a lot of work to do. ALL OF THEM. You are not with them because they are not worthy of you. BUT they are not worthy of you because you don't believe that you are worthy of you...yet. When you expect more, they'll do/be more. They settle because you settle. You want to be a helpmate and you already are. You are helping them to treat you as less than the royalty that we created you to be.

WOOOOOOOOOW. I wasn't sure if I heard him right...at first. But then, when I went back over all of the definitions of “virtuous” and “good”, of course, he was dead on.

When I feel guilty about my past, of course, I will let a man say defeating things to me.

When I listen to the lies that the Enemy speaks about my self-worth, of course, I will let the beauty of another woman intimidate me.

When I don't have my own finances in order, of course, I will allow the temptation of a man's wallet rather than his character seduce me.

When I am not comfortable in my own skin, of course, I will entertain somebody trying to change me.

When I am not self-loyal, of course, I will tolerate men not being faithful (in their commitment to our friendship/relationship) to me.

The light bulb moment, ladies: You think the Proverbs 31 woman is unrealistic because you don't think being truly virtuous and good are attainable. You have been disillusioned for so long that you have accepted the counterfeit version of yourself. God didn't make his daughters to be sleeping around with men they are not married to...to be having children outside of covenant...to be financially/emotionally/relationally destitute...to have bad reputations and negative outlooks on life. THAT WAS NEVER A PART OF HIS PLAN. Women, you are a part of a ROYAL priesthood. (I Peter 2:9) Do you get what that means? Do you really? That means you are a descendant of a king; you are “appropriate to or befitting a sovereign”; you are MAGNIFICENT. And, do you know what that means?

Magnificent:of exceptional beauty, size, etc.; extraordinarily fine; superb; grand or noble in thought or deed; exalted; outstanding of its kind; superlative

Now, did you catch the first definition? EXCEPTIONAL IN BEAUTY, SIZE, etc. Now, when was the last time you used the word, “magnificent” to describe your size 10, size 14, size 20 figure? Oh, how far away we have gotten from what God's Word says about us. And do you know why?

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.”---James 1:22-24 (NKJV)

Get off of the phone, MySpace, Facebook with that boy and get into the Word! No one can show you your value...no one can validate you...no one can esteem and restore you like the ONE WHO CREATED YOU can! Men are not our mirror reflection...GOD IS. (Genesis 1:26-27) Just earlier today, as I was writing out my own marriage vision, the Holy Spirit led me to Psalm 45 (NCV):

“Beautiful words fill my mind. I am speaking of royal things. My tongue is like the pen of a skilled writer. You are more handsome than anyone, and you are an excellent speaker, so God has blessed you forever. Put on your sword, powerful warrior. Show your glory and majesty. In your majesty win the victory for what is true and right. Your power will do amazing things. Your sharp arrows will enter the hearts of the king's enemies. Nations will be defeated before you. God, your throne will last forever and ever. You will rule your kingdom with fairness. You love right and hate evil, so God has chosen you from among your friends; he has set you apart with much joy. Your clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. From palaces of ivory music comes to make you happy. Kings' daughters are among your honored women. Your bride stands at your right side wearing gold from Ophir.

Listen to me, daughter; look and pay attention. Forget your people and your father's family. The king loves your beauty. Because he is your master, you should obey him. People from the city of Tyre have brought a gift. Wealthy people will want to meet you. The princess is very beautiful. Her gown is woven with gold. In her beautiful clothes she is brought to the king. Her bridesmaids follow behind her, and they are also brought to him. They come with happiness and joy; they enter the king's palace. You will have sons to replace your fathers. You will make them rulers through all the land. I will make your name famous from now on, so people will praise you forever and ever.”

Do you know what rocked me to the very core? Last fall, God told me the kind of wife that I would be: A WARRIOR'S WIFE (I wrote an entire devotional about it, actually). In this wedding song (as it's listed in certain translations of the Bible) it says in verse 3, “PUT ON YOUR SWORD, POWERFUL WARRIOR”. God is so into the details...so into affirming and confirming. First God showed me the kind of wife I would be...then he showed me the kind of wedding that I would have. (Amazing!!!) But you see, here's the thing: While God may not reveal himself to you in this exact way (he's the Creator...stop copying all of the time. Let him be creative!), what I can assure you of is being royal means that he has royal things (include a king and wedding fit for a queen) in mind for you...if you let him. See, here's the other thing I relearned tonight as it relates to women and their self-worth (or rather, lack thereof):

“There are things about him that people cannot see—his eternal power and all the things that make him God. But since the beginning of the world those things have been easy to understand by what God has made. So people have no excuse for the bad things they do. They knew God, but they did not give glory to God or thank him. Their thinking became useless. Their foolish minds were filled with darkness. They said they were wise, but they became fools. They traded the glory of God who lives forever for the worship of idols made to look like earthly people, birds, animals, and snakes.

Because they did these things, God left them and let them go their sinful way, wanting only to do evil. As a result, they became full of sexual sin, using their bodies wrongly with each other. They traded the truth of God for a lie. They worshiped and served what had been created instead of the God who created those things, who should be praised forever. Amen.

Because people did those things, God left them and let them do the shameful things they wanted to do. Women stopped having natural sex and started having sex with other women. In the same way, men stopped having natural sex and began wanting each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and in their bodies they received the punishment for those wrongs.

People did not think it was important to have a true knowledge of God. So God left them and allowed them to have their own worthless thinking and to do things they should not do.”---Romans 1:20-28 (NCV)

Your current state of mind, is direct result of your choices and consequences; sowing and reaping. (Galatians 6:7-8) You can't just “know” God. You must give him glory and thanks. You cannot be worshiping (stalking, obsessing over, manipulating, seducing) his creations; you have to put your focus on the Creator of those creations. And, you can't minimize the importance of God's presence and purpose in your life; if you do, you will be left to believe that you are worthless. You will be caught up in doing things that you know you should not do...with people who also are not honoring God...who are worshiping his creations...and partaking in their own worthless thinking.

Bottom line? With God, there is no lukewarm state. (Revelations 3:16) You can either be a Proverbs 31 woman or a Romans 1 harlot. What I love about the Word is that it shows you how to become and avoid being both. There are no surprises here. EVERYTHING is cause and effect. And here is where we split up.

Men: I remember a pastor once rebuking one of my “blasts from the past” by telling him, “You need to leave those 'half-saved' women alone. She is trying to get herself together.” Good lookin' out, pastor! And now, I pass that torch of wisdom/warning on to you. Going to church to seek out broken women...using the “nice guy approach” to violate the vulnerable...lying about your true intentions with a weak-minded woman...FOR THAT GOD WILL JUDGE YOU. (Psalm 7:11)

If you want to treat yourself as less than what God made you to be, that is unfortunate, but Solomon also mapped out the kind of woman for you to have. You can find her in Proverbs 5. I recall one of my exes telling me that when it comes to a prostitute, a harlot, a whore, a HO, men don't pay them for sex, but to leave. If you want to live out your lusts, get one of those chicks. I'm so sick of you being surprised when you are intimate with a WOMAN and she's wanting a relationship because of it. WE ARE WIRED THAT WAY and if she ends up bonding with you, to be honest, that means God is still working on her...she has a conscience...she feels convicted.

Yesterday, I was reading a very sad and semi-disturbing article on Kanye West and his “sex addiction”; one that he seemed to be almost bragging about. All of that money...all of that fame...and still, so many voids. And do you know the scripture that immediately came to mind?

"What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"---Matthew 16:26 (Message)

All of the sex...all of the women...all of the “so-called status” and attention. If it comes at the cost/risk of losing who you are in God and the destiny that he has in mind for you, is it really worth it? I'm gonna tell you what. The healthier I get, the more disgusting unhealthy becomes to me. Not that I don't love ya'll (Proverbs 10:12), but that certainly does not mean that I have to “one myself” with you...or even be intimate friends with you. God also called you to be a part of a royal priesthood. Stop spiritually castrating (to deprive of strength, power, or efficiency; weaken) yourselves by letting your flesh rule over you all of the time. To a queen, it's unattractive...to your Father, it's unnecessary. ONLY KINGS GET QUEENS.

The reason why the Proverbs 31 wife was able to be praised by her husband (verse 28) is because he had the spiritual discernment and maturity to know a good woman when he saw one. Your flesh is carnal...it's fleeting and on a lot of levels, it's stupid. You can't decide what woman is right for you based on how she makes your flesh feel. A SPIRITUAL UNION REQUIRES THE MERGING OF TWO SPIRITS. A man who bows down to his flesh when he has been fully-equipped to make it surrender to him...he comes off as very effeminate (in this context: characterized by excessive softness, delicacy, self-indulgence, etc.) Try ruling over yourself before finding a woman to lead....PLEASE, for all of our sakes and the generations to come. MAN UP. God sees you as a king. Your crown shouldn't be bigger than your character.

Women: Well, I don't have too much more to say to you other than, a lot of us are not waiting on God; he is waiting on us to come to him and fully allow him to restore us. This message was a rebuke, but also a wake-up call. It's not a coincidence that you are reading this right now...on this day...at this time. You were called and created, “...for such a time as this” (Esther 2:12). If you haven't purchased the books, “Hadassah: One Night With the King” AND ""Finding Favor With the King" (Tommy Tenney), it's a very worthwhile investment for this season in your life. Some of you are much closer to your king than you think (which is why the temptations are greater-I Corinthians 10:13), but even more preparations must be made. THIS BOOK WILL PREPARE YOU.

In the meantime, be very cautious about who---both male and female---that you allow into your intimate space. If they are not speaking words of healing, encouragement, affirmation and restoration, you can best believe they are on assignment, but it's not God's. You cannot be reprogrammed mentally, made-over physically or redeemed spiritually if you remain the head/heart space of people don't POSITIVELY challenge, motivate and inspire you. Now, that doesn't mean build up a fan club. Faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6). But, what it does mean is that true love makes you a better person. Surround yourself with people who expect, give and want better for you. It's hard for peasant boys to come into the presence of a queen. They have to go through a lot of people to get that kind of permission/access. It should be that way for you socially and personally.

You don't just want to be “some” wife. You want to be a virtuous wife...one whose worth is far greater than that 3-carat ring you've been dreaming about. The Word says that a virtuous woman is above a ruby's worth (which is above a diamond's worth) and I recently read that an ounce of a ruby gemstone is worth about $7,000. You are compromised of many, many, many ounces!

One of my “love brothers” said today that I was far too priceless to have to challenge a man to love me. If he's worth anything, he will see my value and he will simply love me on his own. And not just “any ole' love”...the kind of love that I, a queen, a child of God and a sister of the Savior am worthy of.

My sistahs, the same goes for you. Don't worry about when/where/how he's coming. (Luke 12:22-34) Just make sure that you are the kind of woman that he doesn't regret one day of his life committing himself to when he gets there.

A noble woman...a praiseworthy woman...a favorable woman...a wonderful woman...A VIRTUOUS WOMAN.

Just as God intended and created you to be.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Joined: to put or bring together so as to make continuous or form a unit; to put or bring into close association or relationship; to become a part or member of; to engage in; enter into

Synonyms: blended, coupled, interdependent, united

Flesh: the body, esp. as distinguished from the spirit or soul; the physical or animal nature of humankind as distinguished from its moral or spiritual nature; a person's family or relatives

Synonyms: accompanying, attached, carnality, combined, humanity, inseparable, involved, morality, physicality, related, sensuality, touching, unified

Can you believe that ALREADY we are at #10?!? And, I think this one is gonna be a real ride. Buckle up (and down)...sit tight. We're going somewhere, and I believe that by the time we are done, some of you will receive real clarity on who your future mate is...and isn't.

First, let's focus on the very beginning part of this verse. While this instruction is directed more at the men, ladies, please catch it. You will need it for discernment purposes. In Philippians 1:9-10 (NCV), Paul wrote, “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent.” So, ladies, look: Although, as wives, we are called to submit (Ephesians 5:22), as SINGLE WOMEN, we are not; not to a man, anyway. (James 4:7) During this time of singleness, we are to DISCERN and APPROVE THE THINGS THAT ARE EXCELLENT (possessing outstanding quality or superior merit; remarkably good; surpassing others in some good quality or the sum of qualities; eminent, in a good sense; superior; as, an excellent man, artist, citizen, husband, discourse, book, song, etc.; excellent breeding, principles, aims, action).

The man that you are all cryin', prayin' and travailin' over...is he worth it? In other words, is he excellent? Does he surpass others in good qualities? DOES HE HAVE GOOD SENSE (had mercy!)? Is he an excellent man...and citizen...and potential husband? Does he live by good principles (in word and in deed?---Colossians 3:17, I John 3:18). See, the thing that I love about the Philippians verse is that it says that as your love abounds, your knowledge and discernment should be growing as well. This is just one more (of the 80 billion reasons) why you should not partake in sexual activity before marriage. (Ephesians 5:3) There are so many women I know who, before (premarital) sex, seem to have it all together. Oh, but after sex? They will take whatever crap a man dishes out. You can't approve excellence while living in your flesh. That can only happen in the Spirit. (Galatians 5:16)

OK, so back to the first line in the lead scripture. The Bible says that “...for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother.” For what reason? Well, let's look at a few scriptures before this verse:

“The man gave names to all the tame animals, to the birds in the sky, and to all the wild animals. But Adam did not find a helper that was right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to sleep very deeply, and while he was asleep, God removed one of the man's ribs. Then God closed up the man's skin at the place where he took the rib. The Lord God used the rib from the man to make a woman, and then he brought the woman to the man.

And the man said, 'Now, this is someone whose bones came from my bones, whose body came from my body. I will call her 'woman,' because she was taken out of man.'”---Genesis 2:20-23 (NCV)

After God created Adam's woman...after God BROUGHT the Woman to him...after the man praised what God had brought, then God placed the instructions of what the couple was to do. But, did you catch that it spoke of what a man is supposed to leave? HIS FATHER AND MOTHER. Boys, umm, I'm sorry, men who live with their parents (unless it's with a purpose like finishing their education or saving money and even THAT should be VERY temporary)....men who are mama's boys...men who are financially dependent on their parents...men who still have serious parent “issues”...THEY ARE NOT YET READY FOR MARRIAGE. Ladies, for them to marry you before they LEAVE their parents is out of order. (I Corinthians 14:40) To “leave” is to “go out of or away from, as a place”; “depart from permanently”; “omit or exclude”. Words to the wise: Watch a man and his relationship with his family. You are about to become his family. And should the time come that he says you are “his rib”, also watch how he “leaves” them...there is an order to all that God does. If he can't fully leave them, he cannot fully join himself to you.

Oh, and to the mama's boys: Loving your mother is one thing. But just as “icky” as it is for you to hear women say they are “married to Jesus”, it's icky for healthy women to feel like you are “married to mama”. There should be more to separate us (wife and mother) than sex. Ask God to set some boundaries for you when it comes to the difference between the love a man has for his parent and the love he needs for his companion. There is such a thing as inappropriate emotional relationships with a parent. The only solidified instructions that people are given is to HONOR (Matthew 19:19) and OBEY (as children) their parents (Colossians 3:20). However, husbands, you are called to LOVE your wives. (Ephesians 5:28) There's something a lot of you can learn from the man that you claim to pattern your life after:

“So when they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem, seeking Him. Now so it was that after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were astonished at His understanding and answers. So when they saw Him, they were amazed; and His mother said to Him, 'Son, why have You done this to us? Look, Your father and I have sought You anxiously.'

And He said to them, 'Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?' But they did not understand the statement which He spoke to them.”---Luke 2:45-50 (NCV)

A husband's “Father's business” is to love, provide for and protect HIS WIFE. At that time, your life is no longer your parent's responsibility (Ezekiel 19), and on a lot of levels, their business. If, as a man, you are not ready to “leave and cleave”, or as the above translation says, “be joined”, then you need to remain single...ABSTINENT AND SINGLE. Colossians 3:5 says that fornication is idolatry. Why would God bless you with a wife when you treat women like idols? If you can't submit to him (Exodus 20:3), why should he entrust you with one of his daughters to submit to you? Again, God is a God of order.

The only other thing that I wanted to stress before splitting “us” up, is the word, “joined”. You all know that I am a definitions girl. Well, I found it very enlightening that one of the synonyms for “joined” is “interdependent”. That means that BOTH people are MUTUALLY dependent. That means whoever you are entering into covenant with, the husband is to depend on the wife just as much as the wife is to depend on the husband. Whoever it is that you are praying about re: mate selection, he/she has to be someone you can rely on and trust for support, maintenance and help...mutually. Men, no matter what the world may have taught you about your “role” as a husband (I Corinthians 3:19), if you didn't need our HELP, God wouldn't have SENT us to you. (Proverbs 18:22) YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF. A wife is not just a woman to have “legalized sex” with. She is there to be your helpmate...someone that you can depend on. Which leads me to the points for the men and the women:

Men: The Word says that AFTER you leave your parents and AFTER we are joined to you, THEN we become one flesh with you. Now, here's the thing that a single woman should be able to discern about you on the front end: a man can become “one” with more than his wife:

“Surely you know that your bodies are parts of Christ himself. So I must never take the parts of Christ and join them to a prostitute! It is written in the Scriptures, 'The two will become one body.' So you should know that anyone who joins with a prostitute becomes one body with the prostitute. But the one who joins with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord.”---I Corinthians 6:15-16 (NCV)

OK, yes, the classic definition of a prostitute is, “a woman who engages in sexual intercourse for money”. Oh, but check this definition out: “a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in a base and unworthy way”. Whatever “skills” she's got to get your attention, if they are used in a base or unworthy way, you are being with a prostitute...a whore...a harlot. Many of you are walking in the flesh because you are sleeping/messing around with it. And, not just any flesh: base and unworthy flesh. A DISCERNING WOMAN HAS NO DESIRE IN BECOMING ONE WITH THAT! Most men that I know are always talking about how long it's been since a woman has been with a guy. You can best believe that whenever it's time for my mate, I will be concerned about the very same thing. If you are one with a whore and I become one with you, we are all one and a spiritual orgy is not on my life's “to do list”. I have fought long and hard to purge that kind of filthy lifestyle out of my system. I deserve a man who has sacrificed his flesh by doing the same. A queen deserves a king. A godly king doesn't roll over on harlots.

Three synonyms of “flesh” are “physicality”, “touching” and “sensuality”. Did you know that one definition of sensuality is, “excessive devotion to sensual pleasure”? To be devoted to you in that way, I have to trust that the spirit that resides in you is that of the Lord. I Corinthians says that in order for that to take place, you must NEVER join Christ to a prostitute. It was a LONG and HARD lesson for me to learn, but a man who loves you will not (consciously) hurt you. A man by the name of Montenegrin once said, “Where there is love, there is no sin.” You love Christ but you defile your temple? You may WANT to love him, but where sin is, love is not. You cannot love Christ in just word, but deed as well. Rockin' a cross and carrying a Bible are not enough...not by a long shot.

Women: Now ladies, I was surprised where the Godhead was leading us on this tip. Did you catch that one of the other synonyms for “flesh” was “carnality”? Now to further illustrate this point, some of the others are “attached”, “combined”, “inseparable” and “involved”.

I have two friends right now, who, for all intense purposes are getting on each other's last nerves and they aren't even out of newlywed-dom. When they were dating, there was a particular issue that the wife had with her husband that I asked her (in front of him) if she was comfortable with. That very thing, they are now in therapy for. Don't be foolish, “wives in training”. If he's got it NOW and you can't deal with it NOW, then he's not the person you should consider LATER with. When two become one flesh, that means that the two are becoming one with EVERYTHING: good, bad, ugly and indifferent. Oneness isn't just “existing, acting, or considered as a single unit, entity, or individual”...it's also about being “of the same or having a single kind, nature, or condition.”

Why do you think the Word says not to yoke up with non-believers? (2 Corinthians 6:14) I know that as for me personally, I used to LOVE/LUST me some unsaved men and whenever people would tell me that I shouldn't be “unequally yoked”, I was always finding myself coming to the brothas' defense. I mean, how did they know that I couldn't save those dudes? (Although we are not called to save anyone...we are only commissioned to lead them to the Savior.) But you see, the bigger concern I think a lot of people had was that, just as it said in Corinthians, when we have sex with ANYONE, we become one with them. If I sleep with a drug dealer long enough, I will be come “one” with his nature. If I sleep with a “man whore” long enough, I will take on the “spiritual condition” of his choices and lifestyle.

Ladies, if he's a drunk now...if he's a jerk now...if he's selfish now...if he's financially irresponsible now...if he's promiscuous now...if he has mama/daddy/granddaddy issues now...if he's clueless now...if he's insensitive now...if he's unstable now, he can be fine as wine and smooth as silk, but “oneness” is not speaking to the physicality of a person, but their SPIRIT. When you give yourself to a man in marriage, you are becoming one with their carnality as much as anything else. Romans 8:7 (NKJV) says, “Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.” You can throw a rock in any direction and hit a woman who wished she had known this tidbit of wisdom on the front end. A lot of wives right now are finding themselves in constant situations where there is jealousy, strife and division in their homes and it's all because of the carnal nature of their husband (and the carnal minds they had in selecting him). (I Corinthians 3:2-3)

Are we perfect? No. Are we all dealing with some level of carnality (pertaining to or characterized by the flesh or the body, its passions and appetites) in our lives? Definitely. But the Word says, “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:1-3-NKJV) NOW do you see why mama wants you with a saved man? For you to let someone lead you in the right direction, he's gotta be lookin' up. It was a HUGE wake-up call for me to realize that whoever I become one with (and whether he “finds” me or I am “brought”, it's totally my choice to accept or decline), I am becoming one with ALL of him.

Shoot, sometimes I have issues even being “one” with me. No wonder the first description of love is patient. (I Corinthians 13:4) Deeper yet, no wonder we are told to be still and know the nature of God. (Psalm 46:10) I've said it once and I'll probably say it a million times more. In the wise words of my mother, “God doesn't give you someone for where you are, but where you are going and the only one who knows that is God.” LET HIM CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE TO BE ONE WITH. He knows who/what you can handle and what you cannot...who you can help to heaven and who will send you straight to hell.

 Whew! Talk about a COMPLETE message. :-) And now, I'm off to pray about/over #11.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

OK, it's because of messages like this one that I believe people who think that listening to anything other than Christian/Gospel music is “wrong” are...well, missing out. You have to discern the words and spirit (Matthew 12:33) of ALL music and to be honest with you, there are many a “secular” song, that has ministered straight to my soul. MANY.

Well, let me tell you what's “funny” about this particular tip. Yesterday was a day from HELL...literally. I won't give the Enemy any more of my energy by going into it, but with all that went down, one thing did tickle me: I woke up with a Shirley Murdock song in my head. My favorite one, actually and no, it's not “As We Lay”. (Gasp!)

Now, bookmark that for a moment as I intro this thing. A couple of weeks ago, a local DJ did a segment on his show entitled, “Are you the wife or the jump-off?” Now, you all know I am a big supporter of confession for healing's sake (James 5:16) and so I will put it right on out there and let you know, that for years, I was the jump-off. I wasn't the girl you met at the club and “tapped” that night. I was more like the really good friend who you would tell all of your business to, bond with, sleep with...and then be jacked up in the head. (One dude even compared me to crack...crack?!?) So, I felt that I was more than qualified to share my opinion/insight when the DJ started explaining just how much a “jump-off” was settling: she doesn't get claimed, taken out in public...she's usually only called for sex and so basically she's used.

My response? “As a former 'jump-off', I'm here to tell you that what we lose in publicity, we gain in intimacy. You see the 'other woman' usually ends up becoming THE WOMAN because you have no reason to lie to her; there are no boundaries. Therefore, you end up telling her all of your business: what your wifey did/didn't do, when her birthday is, what your needs/vulnerabilities are. WACTH OUT FOR THE JUMP-OFF. You often don't see 'us' coming.” You “marry” us without realizing it.

Now for the ladies reading this and rollin' their eyes, watch how you judge 'us'. (Matthew 7:2) You can also be the emotional 'jump-off'. The girl guys only call when they need their egos boosted. The girl guys only call after they break-up with their girlfriend. The girl guys only call to hook them up with one of your friends. Basically, any time you are settling for less than a FULL and ENTIRE relationship...YOU ARE A JUMP-OFF. (Sorry....well, not really.-John 8:32)

Let me tell you another way you can be a 'jump-off': MARRYING A GUY WITHOUT MARRYING HIM. A few years ago, I wrote an article entitled, “Don't Marry Your Boyfriend Until You Marry Him”. One of the reasons why I don't subscribe to the whole “boyfriend/girlfriend” thing anymore (aside from the fact that NO ONE in the Bible had them—you're either single, married, divorced or widowed) is that people, especially women, tend to give way too much to a man that they are not in covenant with. Help him with his bills...for what? Tell him all of your business...for what? Give him your body...for what? He doesn't belong to you. (Do you see that my eyebrow is up?)

Proverbs 4:23 (AMP) says, “Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.” There are so many women who are always talking about how they can't live without “their man”. I bet they (feel like they) can't when they have given him full access to everything; something that God never advised a person to do outside of the confines of oneness...which only happens in marriage! (Ephesians 5:31) Proverbs 27:1 says that “Faithful are the wounds of a friend”. As your spiritual friend, I can already tell you that while this message is gonna hurt some of you a lil' bit now, medicine is meant to cure---maybe not immediately, but eventually...even when it doesn't initially taste the best.

So, back to Shirley Murdock: When it came to trying to figure out where the series was to go next, the Holy Spirit brought a song that I haven't listened to in quite some time; a true oldie-but-goodie: “HUSBAND”. Now check out the lyrics:

You told me things and I believed them all

You disappeared at times, but that didn't matter at all

Mmm, those lonely nights I waited for your call

I didn't notice then

You were someone's husband

My desire for you is strong, but I won't do wrong

You're that lady's husband

My decency prevails, yes, it does

And it won't let me keep you, no

So I'm letting you go

Letting you go

You satisfy a real desire in me

Without apology, I still have those needs

Well, I'm a lady with class and I know my desire will pass

This cannot occur

Because you are her husband

I might not be all that I want to be

I've been a fool before and I did things I deplore

But after you,

If Shirley's gonna be a fool

A fool for any man

That man has got to be my husband

Desire says I should, but I say no

My body says I should, but I say no

Mister you say I should, but I say no

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4iD_Ud5Rmk)

Let the Church say, “Amen”. Now, let me show you where I am really going with this. To soul tie yourself to someone who is already married, that being wrong should be a no-brainer. (Exodus 20:14) BUT, Hebrews 13:14 says that it's not only adulterers, but fornicators that God said he would judge. YOU DO NOT GET PROPS (OR A PASS) BECAUSE THE PERSON YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH/MESSING WITH/BEING WITH (INAPPROPRIATELY) IS SINGLE. But you see, when I finally decided to take abstinence seriously and see things from a more spiritual perspective (Galatians 5:16), what the Holy Spirit revealed to me is that a lot of people I've slept with were someone's future husbands. Adultery and fornication go hand-in-hand in consequence because they bring about the same results. Sex, of all kinds, is for covenant relationships, period. You sleep with someone who is married, you hurt God, yourself, the “spouse” and the one that they are married to (at the very least). Oh, but if you sleep with someone who is not (yet) married, you still hurt the same people...just in future tense. The Bible says that love is patient. (I Corinthians 13:4) Lust is not. Romans 1:24 tells us that when you give into lust, you dishonor your body. Ephesians 4:22 states that an old man grows corrupt according to deceiving lusts. I Timothy 6:9 says that a consequence of lust is that it drowns men in destruction and perdition. WHO WANTS TO MARRY ALL OF THAT DRAMA? Abstaining from sexual activity prepares people for marriage; partaking in sexual activity debilitates them. And here is where the tips for men and women come in.

Men: Did you let the lead scripture marinate? God has your back more than you think he does. He allowed his servant, Paul to tell you that because there is so much temptation around, one “way of escape” (I Corinthians 10:13) that has been provided for you is that you have YOUR OWN WIFE. Aside from the spiritual favor that a wife, the right wife, a godly wife (who wouldn't give you any before marriage, anyway—Proverbs 18:22) brings, she also is there to bless you physically. We all (including God) know that most of you have high sex drives, but God makes it very clear when it's permissible to act on those feelings, and that is in marriage. When the Word says that the Holy Spirit lives within you and you are not your own (I Corinthians 6:19), that is not “gender-sensitive”. You have no less of a right to defile your temple than we do. Titus 1:15 (NKJV) says, “To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled.” So many men want the “harvest” of a chaste wife, when they haven't planted the seeds of a chaste life. (You reap what you sow, remember?-Galatians 6:8)

And see, here's the thing: Ecclesiastes 8:5 (NKJV) says, “And a wise man’s heart discerns both time and judgment”. We all know that the Bible was translated by people who weren't the most gender-sensitive themselves, but in this verse, King Solomon was referring to both men and women. Why should we submit to any man who does not submit to God? (Ephesians 5:22) You can't get your sexual appetite together, but I'm supposed to trust that you can make the decisions for the home? A godly, single woman is not gonna fall for that. No one said that abstinence was easy (shoot, at least I didn't), but if you wanna have sex that bad, get yourself together and get prepared for marriage. A man who wants the privileges of sex without the responsibility, at the end of the day, ain't much of a man (or husband) at all.

Women: Did you peep what Shirley said? If she is gonna be a “fool” for any man, he's got to be her HUSBAND! I am preaching to the choir here, Lord knows, but please stop “marrying” people you are not married to. In our single state, there is no reason why a man should leave us devastated when a relationship doesn't work out. That only happens when we give more of ourselves than we are willing to lose. Because there is a natural nurturing nature within us, it is kind of automatic that we want to “heal the world”...some of us become “premature wives” sexually, but even more of us do it emotionally. To wedge ourselves between a man and his Heavenly Father (I hear you, God!) is not only emotionally dangerous for us, but spiritually emasculating for them. A wife is a good thing, but the kind of “goodies” that come with being a wife should manifest themselves AFTER marriage. When Paul spoke of every wife needing to have HER OWN HUSBAND...stop being a wife until you are called to be a wife (meaning after the ceremony). That is when you can truly call a husband, “your own”. When you have the ring and covenant to prove it.

When the Bible speaks of a virtuous wife (Proverbs 31:10-31), no where else in the Bible do I see the duties that she fulfilled (making clothes, going “far” for groceries, getting up in the middle of the night and preparing her household as she ACTIVELY watches over it, etc., etc.) being for “some guy”. The Word says that her HUSBAND praises her and her CHILDREN call her, “blessed” (Proverbs 31:28). Right now, we shouldn't be looking for the praises of any man; just the approval of God. That's what this time of singleness is for. (I Corinthians 7:32) A GODLY MAN is not going to want to do anything that will keep you from pleasing God, even if he's interested in you, because if he spends any concentrated amount of time with the Lord, then he knows that if you aren't focused on pleasing God now, you eventually will lose sight of pleasing him later. You are your husband's “favor” connection, meaning that you don't just have favor with man, but with God as well. (Proverbs 3:4) This only comes in delighting ourselves in the Lord. (Psalm 37:4) THAT ONLY COMES IN PUTTING HIM FIRST. God hooks up our men in marriage because he got to know who we are in our single state. It's the “power of association” at its best.

And so, you desire that man? You desire that woman? It may be strong, but don't do wrong.

You don't want no one else's husband (or wife) but yours. LET GOD BRING YOU YOUR OWN.

 ©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Jesus answered, 'Surely you have read in the Scriptures: When God made the world, 'he made them male and female.' And God said, 'So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.' So there are not two, but one. God has joined the two together, so no one should separate them.'

The Pharisees asked, 'Why then did Moses give a command for a man to divorce his wife by giving her divorce papers?'

Jesus answered, 'Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you refused to accept God's teaching, but divorce was not allowed in the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman is guilty of adultery. The only reason for a man to divorce his wife is if his wife has sexual relations with another man.'”---Matthew 19:3-9 (NCV)

So, you wake tomorrow morning to a news headline that reads, “Death Penalty to All Who File for Divorce...Effective Immediately”. Now, how many of you would still be in a rush to the altar? It may sound extreme, but let's take a moment to review how God, a God who IS love (I John 4:16), sees divorce:

“God made husbands and wives to become one body and one spirit for his purpose—so they would have children who are true to God. So be careful, and do not break your promise to the wife you married when you were young. The Lord God of Israel says, 'I hate divorce. And I hate people who do cruel things as easily as they put on clothes,' says the Lord All-Powerful. So be careful. And do not break your trust.”---Malachi 2:15-16 (NCV)

The God of love...no, the God who IS love, HATES divorce. That means that he detests it...he has an extreme aversion to it...he is hostile towards it. Now, just so we're all clear, let me remind you of the other things that he hates:

“These six things the Lord hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren.”---Proverbs 6:16-19 (NKJV)

OK...he hates people who shed innocent blood. He hates troublemakers. He hates liars. Oh, and he hates divorce. I remember interviewing a couple of 25+ years (at the time) and asking them what made them survive the hard times. The husband said, “Well, for one thing, I know that God hates divorce. He never said what the consequence would be for those who do it...and I don't want to find out.”

Now, remember, he hates liars and murderers. Now check this:

“Blessed are those who do His commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter through the gates into the city. But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie.”---Revelation 22:14-15 (NKJV)

Those left outside of heaven's gates are those who do what he hates. Is there grace and mercy for those who have killed someone or lived the life of a habitual liar? The Bible that I reads says so; that if we repent (Revelation 2:5) and go to the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16), we can receive the mercy that we need. But, as I look at the divorce rate (both in and out of the Church), I can't help to wonder why so many people are so quick to file based on “Irreconcilable Differences” (and really, what is that?!?), but wouldn't dare shoot someone in the street? It would appear that God looks at both acts the same way, and so it causes me to ponder if it's more about our fear of man's consequences rather than the Creator; if we don't murder only because we could go to prison for it and not because it's morally reprehensible. Really. Shouldn't the fact that God, again a God who is love, hating an act---any act---be enough to make us not want to do it? One would think so...as Christ-followers, we should hope so, but again, the divorce rate shows that many of us don't have the reverential fear that we should...unfortunately. (Ecclesiastes 12:13)

Now, for those on their second and third attempts at getting this marriage thing “right”, I'm sure I've ruffled some feathers. No, I don't know your specific situation and to be honest with you, it's none of my business. I do know that a lot of “motives” in murder trials don't fly and so I'm not sure how many “divorce excuses/justifications” God, our ultimate judge, is pleased with, either. I do know he's pretty clear about what the consequences of divorce should be:

“Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.”---Luke 16:16 (NKJV)

“Now I give this command for the married people. (The command is not from me; it is from the Lord.) A wife should not leave her husband. But if she does leave, she must not marry again, or she should make up with her husband. Also the husband should not divorce his wife.”---I Corinthians 7:10-11 (NCV)

“The husband who is not a believer is made holy through his believing wife. And the wife who is not a believer is made holy through her believing husband. If this were not true, your children would not be clean, but now your children are holy. But if those who are not believers decide to leave, let them leave. When this happens, the Christian man or woman is free. But God called us to live in peace. Wife, you don't know; maybe you will save your husband. And husband, you don't know; maybe you will save your wife.”---I Corinthians 7:14-16 (NCV)

“A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.”---I Corinthians 7:39 (NKJV)

I would love to take a poll on how many weeks of premarital counseling is spent focusing on these verses. I wonder how many people really know that, despite how the world may treat this institution (I Corinthians 3:19), that God takes it very seriously. Like the Seventh-Day Sabbath (Exodus 20:8-11), it really doesn't matter how many people do it correctly or not. God does not change and what he does, including the laws that he puts into place, lasts forever. (Ecclesiastes 3:14) NOTHING IS TO BE ADDED OR TAKEN FROM IT...including our opinions, the changes in culture, man's traditions...NOTHING.

Now, if I were writing this to the married folks, it would take on an entirely different spin because they are already in it...but to the single people, I will share what I am led (Luke 12:12) to say. There are three points in the lead scripture that I want to focus on. And, this is probably the only message that will not have a section for “Men” and a section for “Women”. WE ALL NEED TO BE ON ONE ACCORD WITH THIS ONE.

1. Marriage (and the consummation of it) makes you ONE with another person. Marriage was instituted in the Garden (Genesis 2:24) and it was Christ himself who reminded us of this while he was on the earth; CHRIST...the person we claim to model our lives after. For the longest time, I used to wonder why the NKJV of Malachi 2:16 said that God hates divorce because, “...it covers one’s garment with violence.” But have you ever read about the process it takes to separate Siamese twins? Have you ever glued two pieces of paper together and then tried to pull them apart? Both can be violent, painful and messy situations. When things are joined that closely together, to take them apart...it's just not that simple. And, in those two cases, we are still speaking of two things stuck together. The Bible doesn't say that a married couple are like one thing...it says that the ARE one. Whenever people ask my view on the Trinity (God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit), I tell them that my perspective is like they are ice, water and steam: Different forms of the same thing. I believe that marriage is meant to be a visual representation of such a union. You may see two different people in the physical realm, but spiritually, they are so in sync that you really cannot tell one from the other. When that kind of “oneness” takes place, you can best believe that to separate it, there is violence, indeed. In mathematics, if you take one from one, what does that leave? Hmm... That brings me to point two.

2. God joins so that no man can separate. It doesn't say “no man” unless you are the husband or wife. It says NO MAN, period. But you see, here's the deeper part. When something is joined together, it means, “to put or bring together so as to make continuous or form a unit”. Again, the Bible says that God is love, right? So let's, for a moment, replace the word, “God” with “love”: What LOVE has joined together, let no man separate. When you read up on the Love Chapter (I Corinthians 13:4-8), the very last thing it says about love is that, in some translations, it never FAILS and in others, it never ENDS. When love joins two things together, there is not supposed to be an ending. Songs of Solomon 8:6 says that love is as strong as death. Romans 13:10 (NKJV) states, “Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” And, we are encouraged in I John 4:7 (NKJV), “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God...” Just like God, love is powerful thing. And on this earth, I believe, because it was the first relationship introduced to us in the Word (Genesis 2:18-25), the greatest representation of God's love SHOULD BE marriage. It's not hard to get out of because God wants his children to be miserable. It's hard to get out of because how do you get “out of God”? How do you get “out of” who he is and what he's done? God intended for marriage to last forever...just as he intends for love to lasts forever because he is forever. There is no end from the beginning with God. (Revelation 1:8) It is my belief that he sees marriage, once he joins two together, in a very similar fashion. How quick we are to quote that “...tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword” (Romans 8:35) nor “...death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing” can separate us from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39). Oh, but let your husband or wife clown on you, and you're out the door! NOTHING is to separate us from the love of God. God's Word also says that NOTHING should separate a man and his wife as well. You can't have faith in one thing and not in another. If a famine can't keep you from believing that God loves you, then some trials in your marriage shouldn't keep you from the love that God placed between you and your spouse, either. The light bulb moment for me: I make a mockery of God's love should I marry and then choose to divorce. I present love in a way that is not authentically divine. That, in no way, pleases him.

3. Divorce is God's permissive, not perfect will. In Matthew 19:8, after being questioned by the Pharisees about why divorce was allowed, in the New Century Version, Christ's response was, “Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you refused to accept God's teaching, but divorce was not allowed in the beginning.” The New King James Version? “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” The Amplified: “Because of the hardness (stubbornness and perversity) of your hearts Moses permitted you to dismiss and repudiate and divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been so [ordained].” Is it just me or does it appear that divorces are for stubborn, selfish, disobedient, perverted and prideful people? Attributes that God's children are not supposed to have....attributes that, Romans 1:28-32 (NKJV) says, “...who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death.” (Don't shoot the messenger!) Now, does God forgive? Certainly. I am a living and breathing testament of that. BUT, if you ask a lot of divorced couples why they ended their marriage, many will refer to something (or a series of things) that their partner did/didn't do. Well, you see, another thing that makes me nervous about divorce is that since forgiving is an act of “pardoning”, “absolving” or “releasing resentment against”, doesn't it seem that divorce is ultimately an act of NON-FORGIVENESS...and when it comes to our relationship with God and the forgiveness that we need from him DAILY, isn't it somewhat conditional? “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37) Of all of the relationships in the world, even the one where a child is born of his/her mother's womb, only ONE relationship speaks to ONENESS, and that is marriage. Divorce is not supposed to be seen as an option. In God's frustration with our disobedience, it was made it available...and really under one condition (although I do believe that abuse is synonymous with “covering someone with violence), which is ADULTERY. Now, let me just pause here for one moment and stress that, although sex has become an act that many of us take way too casually (and even now, God is taking note of it---Hebrews 13:4), do you realize how much he reverences it? SEX WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE IS HIS ONLY “OUT” IN A MARRIAGE. Something that he intended for NO MAN to separate, adultery is an act he finds so disgusting, that he will allow (although I still think he hates divorce regardless of the circumstances) the breaking of a union because of it. Think about that singles, next time you try and lay down with someone under the guise of “casual sex”. Ain't nothing casual about it.

What is it that the minister usually says during the wedding vows? Marriage isn't something that should be entered into lightly...but soberly? HE/SHE IS RIGHT! You may “love” him or her all day, but if you're not prepared to do “forever” with them, then you are not prepared for marriage. God doesn't say divorce him when he doesn't come home on time (for weeks on end). It doesn't say divorce her after bouncing the 15th check (this month). It doesn't say, get a divorce if the sex ain't what it used to be. The Word says that what God has joined, NO MAN is to separate....including the two people who God joined in the first place!

I don't think that is meant to “scare” us, but it is meant for us to consider marriage way beyond the wedding...beyond the honeymoon...beyond the first five years and newborn child...beyond the cancer scares, in-law deaths and loss of jobs. If you can't see entering into it for the LONG HAUL, then you shouldn't see yourself getting married. It's just that simple.

Talk about making your “call and election sure”. If there were ever a time to do so, especially if you are currently engaged, it would be now. Remember, marriage isn't about reflecting your love, so much as growing in God's....and God's love lasts far longer than our mood swings and sex drives.

God's love lasts...forever. Just as marriage was created to do.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

“I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.”---I Corinthians 7:32-35 (Message)

Wife: a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse

Virgin: a person who has never had sexual intercourse; a pure, uncorrupted person; morally beyond reproach, especially in sexual conduct; pure; unsullied; undefiled; not previously exploited, cultivated, tapped, or used; without experience of; not previously exposed to

Do you ever notice that some of the people that you can't stand in the beginning, often end up being the best people for you? I dunno, maybe that's just me; but when I think of some of my current “soul mates” (which I personally believe is anyone who plays a significant role in the betterment of your soul), “rocky” is exactly how our relationship began. I believe it's because the Enemy saw the potential of the union from day one...and he didn't like what he saw (John 10:10). Well, believe it or not, someone who used to irk the mess outta me was the author of the lead scripture for today, Paul.

Also, is it just me, or does he sometimes seem like such a relationship hater? Everywhere you turn, he's giving his two cents on remaining single rather than getting married. To be honest, his emphatic resolve on the matter has always caused me to wonder just what his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7) was. I mean, have you come to the conclusion to remain unmarried by choice or condition. But again, that's just me.

Either way, awhile back, I got a huge “love slap” (Proverbs 27:6) in the face by someone who said to me, rather nonchalantly I might add: “You are like a modern-day Paul. You talk a lot about marriage for someone who has never been married.” Oh, how quickly we judge...unrighteously.(John 7:24) Shoot, she's right. I do spend a lot of time on relationships and although it's been a minute, I know and claim by faith (2 Corinthians 5:7), that my stuff is in good and working order! And, since it has been a while...since sex or a serious relationship, although I can't believe I'm saying this, now, I get EXACTLY where Paul is coming from...and why he advised it. (“It” being staying single.)

Now, that doesn't mean I have the desire to remain this way, but during this season of singleness (SINGLE IN EVERY WAY), there is one huge thing that I have learned: even, and especially, when it comes to marriage, God is a God of order (I Corinthians 14:40). There is a reason why singles should serve God, first before entering a relationship with a spouse. But, it might not be totally for the reasons you may think...or have been taught. Just recently, while in my prayer time, when it comes to my current status and the transitioning that I believe God is sending me through in preparation for the next, this is what he led me to (as it relates to this message):

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”---Ephesians 5:1-2 (Message)

Have any of you ever caught the show, “Bridezillas”? Isn't it the absolute worst representation of weddings---and brides? However, although they may be extreme versions of, umm, witchy brides, I have known some people in my up close and personal space to not be too far off.

I want this on my day.

I want him to do that on my day.

I will not tolerate such-and-such on my day.

Most of my unmarried female friends already have their weddings planned out and while I am starting to catch a vision of it (one that I think my future king will appreciate because it's pretty low key), I have always been hesitant because if it's about me joining myself to another (I Corinthians 16:6), SHOULDN'T WE BOTH BE IN ON IT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING? I mean, how do you really plan a wedding alone? And further more, LADIES, if you enter your union excluding him, how well does that speak to your mindset re: the rest of the relationship? You run the wedding and he runs the marriage? Hmm, I'm not so sure it works that way. I think it's cool to write IDEAS down...but full-on wedding planning, well, go as you're led. JUST MAKE SURE IT'S GOD THAT'S LEADING YOU! (Galatians 5:16) Marriage is about sharing and compromise. If you're not ready to do both, throw yourself a party and buy a white dress. It would save you and “him” a lot of trouble.

Sharing and compromising through loving. I believe that is what the verses of Ephesians are meant to teach us. The Bible says that an unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord and what would one of those most important things be? LOVING HIM AND LOVING OTHERS. Oh, but what I really appreciate about Ephesians is that, as singles, in this season, it provides us with a model. By watching God and how he loves us, we learn how to LIVE A LIFE OF LOVE; how to NOT BE CAUTIOUS BUT EXTRAVAGANT and how to NOT LOVE TO GET BUT TO GIVE. If you desire to be married someday, NOW would be the time to get this principle down...yes, even before you begin wedding planning.

Even now, sometimes it feels like I do “unofficial” (in the sense that I don't get paid for it) premarital/marital advice. The one thing that seems to be a constant is everything is told from one point of you: HE is doing this...SHE is doing that. Or more specifically, HE is not doing enough of this and SHE is not doing enough of that. I can't recall one time when someone initiated a session by saying, “We called you because I am being a jerk...unselfish...withholding sex...emotionally abusive...not budgeting wisely...” So many people enter relationships for what they can get and then, when they don't get it, there's a problem. So what they may not be giving what the other person needs. In their eyes, “Until I get what I need, that's not even a relevant point.”

This is not only untrue, but a counterproductive approach to relationships. If God loved us based on what we did/didn't do enough of, we'd all be up a creek. He loves because he is love. There's no other way for him to be, and according to I John 4:8, until you can love in this way, contrary to what you may believe, not only are you not loving others, but you aren't loving God.

Semi-recently, I was having a discussion with a friend of mine and he asked me to be patient with him. I Corinthians 13:4 introduces the love chapter with “patient”. It's just now that I am realizing that when he asked me that, basically what he was saying is, “I need you to really love me; not for how I look or what I do/say, but for who I am.” To love who someone really is...when you can do that, that's love. In one of the latest marriage blog submissions (http://sohowdidyouknow.blogspot.com), Ryan said, “Actually, I am not a big believer in the 'right person'. Frankly, we're all 'wrong' for each other, aren't we? It's only our dependence on Jesus that makes things work. With the cross before me, we have a chance at wholeness.”

Say a word! When we take on the task of loving anyone, we are entering a vulnerable and semi-risky position because we ALL sin and fall short of God's glory. (Romans 3:23) That means that no matter how fine he is or how sweet she seems, give it time: THEY WILL DISAPPOINT YOU. THEY WILL MESS UP. THEY WILL HURT YOUR FEELINGS. That's what sin does. If you don't take this time NOW to have God reveal to you how to deal with these issues on the front end, a non-fulfilling marriage at best...divorce court at worst is where you are headed. A huge light bulb moment: THE PURPOSE OF RELATIONSHIPS IS FOR MUTUAL BETTERMENT. If you were both perfect on the front end, I'm not so sure what you would need one another for in the first place. I mean, if I am to be a “helper” that would mean that my husband would need my “help”, right?

Now, that's not a “pass” on abuse. God said LOVE one another, not HURT one another (hopefully we will get into that in another chapter). But, it does mean that we are all in relationship to restore what was lost as the result of sin: to bring us back to God, which is essentially bringing us back to who he is, which is love. While you're single, this is an uninterrupted time of one-on-one teaching from your Father, the ULTIMATE TEACHER, on what it means to be patient...kind...NOT JEALOUS (feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages), or proud... to not be RUDE or selfish...or getting upset all of the time (if you're in a relationship right now that has you upset a lot...umm, you're “in something”, but not so sure it's love)...to learn how to be happy with TRUTH and to accept things...bear things...to patiently accept ALL things.

Fellas, if you can't accept her appearance, her history, her quirky nature now, she may not be the love relationship for you (at least in this season). Ladies, if you can't accept his work schedule now, his nasty habits (AND THEY ALL HAVE AT LEAST ONE) now, his female friendships now, you may need to keep it moving. Godly love doesn't CHANGE people; it just, by being love, encourages and promotes IMPROVEMENT. You see how hard it is for you to “get through” some issues. If you can't extend the same kind of tolerance/understanding/compassion/PATIENCE with another that you can with yourself...yeah, alone and tending to the things of the Lord is exactly where you need to be....for now, anyway. And that's OK. Learning to love is always a good thing.

Men: Now, you see how this verse is pretty much talking to the ladies, but I did have two things that I wanted to share as it relates to it. First of all, do you see all of the definitions of “wife” and “virgin”. Let's take “wife”, first. As a wife, we are meant to be in RELATION with you. This means that there is to be a CONNECTION. If a woman is connected to you, that means she is “joined”, “linked”, “united” and “bound” to you. That means she is to associate with you both mentally and emotionally. That means you have a special rapport...that you relate to one another. If you are in a relationship right now, spend some real God time inquiring if the two of you “hang out” or if you are really connected.

On the “virgin” tip, yes, one definition indeed is a woman who has never had sexual intercourse (a true blessing, indeed), but you do see that there are other descriptions, right? The NKJV version describes a single woman, period as a “virgin”. If you are entertaining marriage, you need to be looking for someone who is “morally beyond reproach”, “pure” and “unsullied”. Now that doesn't mean that she may be a sexual virgin, but you do need to ask the Father if she is new in Christ; if old things...ALL OF THEM have passed away. (2 Corinthians 5:17) A godly man deserves a godly woman; he's planted the seeds for that kind of harvest. (2 Corinthians 9:6) Don't just watch what she says, but what she does. You are supposed to love us as Christ loved the Church, right? (Ephesians 5:25) When John spoke of the corrupt church in Revelation (2:20-23-NKJV)), take heed:

“Nevertheless I have a few things against you, because you allow that woman, Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce My servants to commit sexual immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. And I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality, and she did not repent. Indeed I will cast her into a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds. I will kill her children with death, and all the churches shall know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works.”

Sexual immorality always has its consequences, and I am firm when I say that a woman who will compromise herself sexually with you CANNOT BE TRUSTED. Why? Because she has actually put herself and you over her Creator. (Romans 1) That doesn't mean she is malicious (necessarily), but it does mean that she allows her flesh to manipulate the both of you. WE, AS WOMEN, WERE CREATED BY GOD TO HELP YOU. The Bible says that the wages of sin is death. (Romans 6:23) When God said that he would make a helper SUITABLE for Adam (Genesis 2:20), you can best believe that HELPING HIM TO HELL (Proverbs 7:27) is not what he had in mind. A woman who is all caught up in seducing your flesh is not being an aid to your spirit. “Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh”, right? (Galatians 5:16) As a man of God, you should always be in an upright position. If she has you stumbling all of the time, she is not only a gateway to disaster, but she's spiritual emasculating you. A woman is known by her fruits (Matthew 12:33)...judge/discern accordingly. One fruit is “self-control”...of her mind, body and spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23) When it comes to consequences, sometimes you can make lemonade out of lemons. (Joel 2:23-25) A lot of times, you cannot you. Either way, why “gamble” when you can stand on God's Word and get a definite blessing by waiting and not submitting to the very thing you are called to lead? Your wife.

Women: First of all, if you are a virgin, THAT IS WHAT GOD WANTED US ALL TO BE. Do not let the Enemy steal from you something that is so sacred...so precious and these days, so rare. It has taken REAL WORK to get the cobwebs of my sexual past cleared out so that I could fully celebrate, and not compare, my future king to others. You don't want to have to go/grow through that kind of drama. It was from a VIRGIN that Christ was born (Isaiah 7:14)...our Savior was born of a virgin! That is how much God values that level of purity.

But while I'm on this, again, you check out the definitions of virgin again, as well. Just because you haven't had intercourse, that doesn't automatically make you the kind of virgin that God calls all of his daughters to be. Don't get into relationships that emotionally exploit you. Don't compromise your top or bottom half by doing things that are defiling. Steer clear of acts that will expose you to things that are none of your business until after your wedding. My late great-grandmother (God rest her soul) used to give the crassest advice: “Cop a feel to make sure it's real.” (I know, right?!?) If we are to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7)...if we are to claim that God can do exceedingly above all that we can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20) then honey, you can best believe that also applies to the bedroom and what we need to be able to “not withhold” for the rest of our days. (I Corinthians 7:5) Every car has its own custom-made key that fits. (I never thought an R. Kelly song could make its way into a devotional, but “Ignition” now makes much more sense...I'll leave that alone now!)

And while I'm at it, don't fall for that “test drive it first” crap. If anyone has the ability to be a shady car salesman, it would be the Enemy....you know, fixin' “it” up just enough to have you get the “car” off the lot and then leave you stuck with it when it breaks down. Lust is an illusion...a counterfeit of love. THAT IS WHAT HE DESIGNED IT TO BE. Proverbs 11:6 says that the unfaithful will be caught by their lust. I Thessalonians 4:5 describes the passion of lust to a trait of those who do not know God. God is love and marriage is of God. Lust is not the avenue to get you there. It will just leave you lost...and alone. (For some, even after marriage.)

One more thing: The Word says that when we are single, we are concerned/consumed by the things of the Lord. When we are married, pleasing our husbands becomes a big priority. Eh-hem: PLEASING YOUR HUSBAND IS TO BE A PRIORITY. When you please someone, you want to give them pleasure and satisfaction; you desire for them to be glad and feel contented, and you take measures to be agreeable (ready to consent or submit). Now that doesn't mean you become a punk. It just means that you would rather put your energy towards having peace in your home than strife. (Philippians 2:14) If you're dating someone right now and it's all about pleasing you, you may not be “wifey material” just yet. And, that's fine. Being single is all about you...after God, of course.

So, I'm on to researching #8, ya'll. Until then, make pleasing God...serving God...loving God your focus. He has you in this “class” for a reason and the sooner you retain, the sooner you can get promoted. I promise:

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”---Psalm 37:4 (NKJV)

Because really, if what God thinks/desires/requires doesn't matter to you, I don't know why you think another person's needs would.

A BIG test question worth asking...and passing. ALONE.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Excellent: possessing outstanding quality or superior merit; remarkably good; surpassing others in some good quality or the sum of qualities; of great worth; eminent, in a good sense; superior

Synonyms: CHOICE; prime; valuable; SELECT; exquisite; transcendent; admirable; worthy

Crown: the highest or most nearly perfect state of anything; the acme or supreme source of honor, excellence, beauty, etc.

OK, we should be able to pass the offering plate around one time just in the definitions alone! I don't foresee this being a super-long tip, but it's potent and, I do know that if you don't catch it, you will miss a vital marriage preparation tip. Please pay close attention.

Men: Now, I'm sure that the Holy Spirit will lead me to get on the topic of submission (actually, I wrote an entire piece last year on the curse of submission, so if anyone would like it for review---it's pretty deep---let me know), but for now, this is what I want you to catch:

“For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”---Ephesians 5:23 (NKJV)

The head, in this context, is “the position or place of leadership, greatest authority, or honor” or “a person to whom others are subordinate, as the director of an institution or the manager of a department; leader or chief”. And yes, the Word is filled with scriptures to support the fact that, in a marriage, the man is in the leadership role---a big part of it due to the instructions that God gave Adam and the Woman after being removed from the Garden. Genesis 3:15 (NCV) says, “You will greatly desire your husband and he will rule over you.”

But, I find it very interesting, fellas, that while you may be the head, the Word says that an excellent wife goes on top of your head: SHE IS THE CROWN. Something that another married man said in the marriage blog (http://sohowdidyouknow.blogspot.com) is that it is a husband's job to PLACE HIS WIFE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE LIGHT AT ALL TIMES. Some of you have had “leadership/submission” roles so poorly illustrated to you that all you think a submissive woman does is let you tell her what to do.

But remember, when the Word speaks of you being the head, the comparison is made to how Christ is the head of the Church. Christ honors choice. Christ embraces reason...and reasoning. Christ sacrificed his life. Christ didn't humiliate sinners, but rather forgave and defended the mistakes that they made. Christ did not condemn. Christ made new creations out of things. CHRIST WAS MORE LOVE-THAN-LAW DRIVEN. As a matter of fact, the Word says that when true love takes place, the law is fulfilled. (Galatians 5:14) Did you catch that? LOVE IS THE FULFILLMENT OF THE LAW. (Romans 13:10)

Laws are put in place to teach us how to love. Hmm...that leads me to believe that if you are more “love” than “law” focused, there will be less and less of a need to “put your foot down” on issues. Just as you are respect-driven (we'll get into that in another chapter—Ephesians 5:33), we as women are very love-activated. When we feel loved, that is when we really and truly trust and if we TRUST you, then we will have no problems FOLLOWING you. The reason why, I believe, that King Solomon said that an excellent wife is the crown of her husband is because a crown is the honor that a man gets for worthy SERVICE. As a reward for submitting to his own leader, GOD, he is given a valuable, exquisite, admirable wife. LET THAT MARINATE...for a few days.

Women: Remember that we are supposed to be wives when our husbands “find” us (Proverbs 18:22) and/or we are “brought” (Genesis 2:21-22) to them. I remember being in school, especially high school and college, and all of the prep work that was required to earn an “A”. I had to study, I had to take notes, I had to spend time alone going over the material that was given. A lot of times, this required me not hanging out with my friends all weekend. I had to GET ALONE and WORK to get that “A”.

Whenever people ask me why I am not married yet, I will often say, “I don't want a 'janitor-level' husband. I want a 'doctor-level' one. That requires a lot more schooling.” No, that is not a knock on the blue-collar brothas. As a matter of fact, in this season, with our economy the way that it is, they are gonna be the ones keeping this country afloat. It's an analogy. Almost anyone can walk in and get a janitor gig. You have to be QUALIFIED to hold a position as a doctor.

If you really want to be an EXCELLENT wife, then where your future mate is right now shouldn't be a concern for you. Truth be told, you don't have time to worry about it, because there is so much you have to do to prepare for him. I had moments when I was so paranoid about a test that when it was time to take it, I failed. I knew it was coming...my instructor told me so, but focusing more on the end result rather than the process is what caused me to suffer.

Don't “miss it” when it comes to marriage preparation. God said in his Word that he would give us the desires of our heart. (Psalm 37:4) He said that he can do exceedingly above all that we can ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20) He also encouraged us not to be weary in doing well, for in due season, WE WILL REAP. (Galatians 6:9) And, more specifically, when it comes to the subject of marriage, Christ himself even endorsed it by saying in the Message Version of Matthew 19:11-12:

“'Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.'"

Some of you, right now, are fearful that you are called to singleness for the rest of your days. At almost 35, I have experienced those emotions as well. During one of my panic attacks, the Holy Spirit led me to a spiritual gifts test (/www.kodachrome.org/spiritgift) to ease me anxiety (Philippians 4:6). I tested VERY LOW on celibacy. It is my belief that, while I think all flesh is tempted, when you are called to singleness, there is not the same longing within you as there is when you are called to marriage. But, with ALL that comes with marriage, you don't want it if you're not ready for it. Tests are a breeze (relatively-speaking) when you are prepared for them; it's hell, literally, when you're not. Tryon Edwards once said that “Hell is truth seen too late.” When it comes to a troubled marriage, no greater words have been spoken!

Besides, because of the power of unity when it comes to marriage, do you not think that the Enemy will test you? That he won't try and steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) what God has joined together? (Matthew 19:6) The test(s) are coming...GET READY FOR THEM. Too many people “cram” by waiting until they are already engaged and/or in premarital counseling. Don't put yourself under that kind of pressure. There are no guarantees that you will retain all that you need to know.

Oh, the only other thing to remember is that two synonyms for “excellent” is “choice” and “select”. As I'm praying about my own future king, one thing that the Holy Spirit continues to bring to mind is the Love Chapter. (I Corinthians 13:4-8) A man worthy of an excellent wife will CHOOSE her...he will SELECT her. She will not have to scheme, compromise, stalk, manipulate, compete. If you are finding yourself jealous right now of other women/another woman, especially concerning someone you are not even married to, that is not love...that is insecurity. If a man wants you and he's worth his weight in gold, just like the merchant who sold all that he had to get that one precious pearl (Matthew 13:45-46), he will make it clear that you are his good thing...the crown that he desires. Right now, you just need to focus on being “excellent”; that you are steering clear of doing things that are “shameful”. Guys are much more observant than women give them credit for. They peep when a woman is doing something that is “disgraceful”, “scandalous” (men HATE drama, ladies), “injurous to a reputation”, “degrading” or “indecent”. NO GOOD MAN WANTS TO LINK HIMSELF UP TO THAT!

Fellas, ask God to show you how to love right so that you can earn your crown.

And ladies, spend your time “studying up” on excellence...so that when the God-appointed time comes (Acts 1:7-Message), your man will make the SELECT CHOICE.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

OK, now THIS is one that I tend to battle with from time to time. Basically because of what the underlined part of the verse says. I mean, seems to me, by looking at the questionable way many people treat their temple (I Corinthians 6:19), that HATING THEIR OWN BODY IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Really now, can you “love your own body” and smoke cigarettes? Can you love your own body and drink yourself into a drunken stupor? Can you love your own body while leaving yourself sleep deprived by hanging out in seedy clubs with seedy men (and woman) or hanging out all night with Internet pornography (or reading erotica)? Can you love your own body by gorging yourself on junk food or emotionally responding with any food? Can you love your own body and not go to the doctor/dentist regularly? Can you love your own body and not take vitamins, drink water, exercise...nurture and nourish yourself? And then, the Holy Spirit led me to the definition of the word, “hate”:

Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

What I am saying is that no man who loves me hates his own body. If you reverence me, because you are made in my image (Genesis 1:26-27), you will begin to reverence yourself. Reverence leads one to love.

Ahhhh, I get it better now. I mean, the truth (John 8:32) is that if you are even in the Bible enough to come upon this verse (2 Timothy 3:16), then that must mean that you are looking for, or God has led you to, some revelation knowledge about your self-worth. Until now, you may not have realized that certain things that you are doing is a sign of self-hatred...but they are. In this context, when the Word is speaking on “love”, it's referring to “to need or require; benefit greatly from”. We should all feel like we need, require and greatly benefit from our bodies. But you see, here's the catch: If we did and/or when we come to a place where we really do, WE WILL SHOW IT. I need my skin, so I will moisturize it. I need my eyes, so I will give them a break off of this thing (I do actually take breaks...crazy, but true). I need my heart and so I won't let just anyone or anything enter into it. (Proverbs 4:23)

I liken it to a relationship that a child has with its parent. When you are young, you don't know how to care for yourself and so you need extra instruction. Oh, but there comes a time (or at least should), when you start bathing YOURSELF, feeding YOURSELF, TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. In the spirit realm, it's no different. I Corinthians 13:11 (NKJV) says, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” Childish things are immature things. Childish things are silly things. Childish things are WEAK (minded) things. I Corinthians 8:7 speaks of one way that we can defile the very thing that we are supposed to love: ourselves. It's when our conscience is weak...not strong...liable to yield, break, or collapse under pressure or strain...fragile...frail. Oh, but there are other ways that we can reflect weakness. This is one time when the ladies will get their “ponder on that” thought, first.

Women: OK, ladies. Sorry, but as my mother says, “Surgery hurts, but it cures.” 2 Timothy 3:2-7 (AMP) states, “For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered, lovers of money and aroused by an inordinate [greedy] desire for wealth, proud and arrogant and contemptuous boasters. They will be abusive (blasphemous, scoffing), disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane. [They will be] without natural [human] affection (callous and inhuman), relentless (admitting of no truce or appeasement); [they will be] slanderers (false accusers, troublemakers), intemperate and loose in morals and conduct, uncontrolled and fierce, haters of good. [They will be] treacherous [betrayers], rash, [and] inflated with self-conceit. [They will be] lovers of sensual pleasures and vain amusements more than and rather than lovers of God.

For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion), they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it [their conduct belies the genuineness of their profession]. Avoid [all] such people [turn away from them]. For among them are those who worm their way into homes and captivate silly and weak-natured and spiritually dwarfed women, loaded down with [the burden of their] sins [and easily] swayed and led away by various evil desires and seductive impulses. [These weak women will listen to anybody who will teach them]; they are forever inquiring and getting information, but are never able to arrive at a recognition and knowledge of the Truth.”

Ladies, there's actually not too much to say after that. Bottom line, if you love yourself...if you REALLY love yourself, greedy men...proud men...UNGRATEFUL MEN...abusive men (of your mind/body or spirit) will not be attractive to you. Why? Because, by being in association with them, you are not benefiting greatly by knowing them. THEY ARE DOING NOTHING FOR YOUR TEMPLE.

So what if they go to church...are the pastor's son...went to private school? I love how the Word says that many people may hold a FORM of true religion (James 1:26-27), but they don't understand the POWER of it. In other words, what has the man who has your attention actually accomplished by claiming to have relationship with God? Do you see his life progressing in a positive manner? If not, you need to watch out for that dude. Women who love their bodies are drawn to men who talk to their eyes and not their breasts. Women who love their bodies can be on the phone rather than driving to his house (or coming back from it) at all hours of the night. Women who love their own bodies will not let a man treat her any old kind of way. It's WEAK WOMEN who do that....it's silly women who do that...it's childish women who do that. AND CHILDREN ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE.

Ladies, if you are seeking God about where your husband is and you are not loving yourself (because you can only love another when you understand what it means to love yourself---Matthew 22:38-40), I am confident in telling you that you don't see him because you're not ready for him. A husband is many things, but a father and a savior he is not. I will leave that right there and move on to the fellas.

Men: The man who loves his wife loves himself...a man who loves his own body feeds and takes care of it. OK, I'm gonna put it right on out there. About 60% of my relationships involved me taking care of a man. I paid for the dates. I bought and cooked the food. I remembered the special days in the relationship. Yeah, I was a weak-minded chick. But, the other revelation is that, regardless of what the men may have said, the Bible tells us not to love in word or tongue but deed and truth. (I John 3:18) You can TELL me anything. It's your ACTIONS that should impress me (and my Father).

Even during the time of “mate seeking”, you should be in the mentality of courting me in the sense that if you want me to believe that you can take care of me, YOU SHOULD BE SHOWING IT. Only a fool (or weak-minded woman) would hire someone for a job without an interview. Why would I want to be your wife and trust you to pay the rent---no, actually your credit needs to be good enough to pay the MORTGAGE---when you can't even afford dinner and a movie? Why would I trust you to make the “final decisions” in the home, when I'm the one planning everything all of the time? (One of the most attractive traits on ANY MAN is forethought and foresight. Love me enough to think ahead.)

As a man, and especially as a man of God, if you are pursuing me (Proverbs 18:22) or my personal favorite, God has brought me to you as you are awakening from your spiritual slumber (Genesis 2:21-22), AS A MAN WHO LOVES HIMSELF AND WANTS TO LOVE ME, there should be an innate and automatic desire to want to take care of me; to feed and nourish me, spiritually/relationally/physically/emotionally. There are so many references in the Bible to a man loving his wife as Christ loved the Church. I have learned the oh, so hard way that a man has to know Christ and respect him before he can even begin to grasp the comparison between the sacrifices that Christ made for us...and the sacrifices a man should be willing to make for his bride.

That said, brothas, if you are not in the position to take care of a woman, don't pursue her. If the desire is there, it would delight God (Psalm 37:4) if you would humble yourself enough to ask him to prepare you, first (in humility comes elevation---Luke 14:11). A big part of that is getting your own habits, fetishes, baggage out of the way. STDs (Spiritually Transmitted Diseases) tend to be contagious. Love WOMANKIND enough, as the weaker vessel (I Peter 3:7), to not infect us with your garbage. Clean up, first. (James 4:8) If she's yours...if she's yours under God's will and blessing, she's not going anywhere. What GOD DOES lasts forever, remember? (Ecclesiastes 3:14)

And so, as we end this chapter, my advice to both the men and the women is to spend some real time in the Word grasping just what Christ did for the Church. It's some pretty amazing, self-sacrificing, unconditional stuff. For the men, in reading it, you should gain a greater clarity on “if” and “who” the one is...if she is worth doing all of that. And for the ladies, it should set a standard. He can't “sacrifice” some time to see you? Then you shouldn't “sacrifice” your emotions worrying out it. :-)

Let the Church that Christ died for say, “AMEN”.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Unity. God has mad respect for it. Deuteronomy 32:30 says that when the Lord surrenders them, two can put 10,000 to flight. Amos 3:3 reveals that when two are in agreement, they can walk together. Ecclesiastes states that two are better than one (8:4) and when two lie down together, they will be warm (Ecclesiastes 4:11). Matthew 18:20 assures us that where two (or three...but since we're talking about marriage, I'll stick with two to keep everything in its proper context) are joined, God is in the midst of them. Again, because of the kind of power/accessibility that comes with it, God takes unity very seriously. No wonder Christ said in Matthew 19:11-12 (Message) that, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it." In other words, marriage requires a certain level of spiritual maturity; one that, it appears, due to the divorce rate, both in and out of the Church, many do not want to make the commitment to do ON THE FRONT END in preparation for it.

Recently, an email buddy of mine was asking me my advice on some questions that she should ask marry couples who would be “ministering” at her church. Off top the Holy Spirit told me to say (Luke 12:12), “They should name the biblical couple that the most resonate with and the Bible verse that holds their marriage together. If they can't do that, they don't need to be ministering (to the masses) on marriage yet.” And, I stand on that. I Corinthians 3:1-3 (NCV) says, “Brothers and sisters, in the past I could not talk to you as I talk to spiritual people. I had to talk to you as I would to people without the Spirit—babies in Christ. The teaching I gave you was like milk, not solid food, because you were not able to take solid food. And even now you are not ready. You are still not spiritual, because there is jealousy and quarreling among you, and this shows that you are not spiritual. You are acting like people of the world.” We all know couples who can't seem to act like they've got some sense. The woman is semi-stalking the man; the man is always picking a fight with the woman. Family, this is not how God ordained relationships, let alone marriage, to be.

A couple of nights ago, I was telling one of my prayer partners that I've been having this recurring dream that I keep trying to get out of bed, but my husband keeps pulling me back down. “Not yet, Shellie. Lay with me a little longer.” For the longest, I didn't get what that meant, but I do now. The first few years of marriage is very similar to having a baby. When a couple is first introduced into the world, they are fragile...they are needy...they require special care. Right now, I can be up at (shoot, what time is it right now?) 6:59am writing these because I am single. I am unmarried, so I can care about the things of the Lord. Oh, but when my prince comes, his concerns will become a major concern of mine. (I Corinthians 7:34) A part of the reason why I don't “cosign” on the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing anymore (aside from the fact that it's NOT biblical...you are either single/married/divorced/widowed) is that while I am single, I want to be REALLY SINGLE...to enjoy all that the status has to offer. I don't want to be married with resentments or regrets all because I was consumed with a man, whether literal or fanciful, all of the time.

But it appears that God is giving me A LOT of information on marriage in this season, and so I know that I am about to make a transition. Therefore, I have to learn how to be more flexible, more adaptable, more compromising, more understanding. My mother used to say that if you can't live with your family, you are not ready for marriage. I'll go even further. If you cannot get along with people---not the fake you, but the real you---period, then you need to wait. A lot of what single life does is teach you how to relate to others...on the job, at church, on the basketball court, during spinning class...you feel me. If you can't find ways to relate to people in those arenas now, please do you, your future spouse/children and the community at large a BIG FAVOR and wait.

That's what I love about the lead scripture for this lesson. It encourages married men to live with CONSIDERATION, INTELLIGENT RECOGNITION and HONOR for their wives. Why? Because as two being one (Matthew 19:6), they are able to be joint heirs in grace (mercy; clemency; pardon) with God. We all need grace. Grace keeps us from being carried away by strange doctrines. (Hebrews 13:9) Grace is what helps us in times of need. (Hebrews 4:16) Grace is what gives us the ability to edify others. (Ephesians 4:29, Colossians 4:6) GRACE (THROUGH FAITH) IS WHAT SAVED US (Ephesians 2:9), and I believe it is what, when properly applied, will save a lot of our marriages; not just love...not just sex...not just companionship. GRACE.

Oh, but you have to be spiritually mature to know that, and this time of singleness is when you should really try to grasp that reality. (Ecclesiastes 7:18-Message)

Men: Again, God said that you should be willing to live CONSIDERATELY with your wives. That means that you should be willing to take her feelings into account; that you carefully and deliberately think about how what you do and say will affect her...that her needs matter to you. However, the Bible also says that you should “dwell with them with understanding” (I Peter 3:7-NKJV), or as the Amplified puts it, “with an intelligent recognition” of the purpose of marriage. I can name about three husbands RIGHT NOW who are ANYTHING (and everything) BUT recognizing or “acknowledging or accepting formally a specified factual or legal situation” their marriage. I'm willing to bet a big part of it is because they did not allow God to show them the purpose of marriage in the first place...on the front end. To recognize something, you have to have seen it, first.

Some of you can't “recognize” marriage because your parents were never married. Some of you can't because, while they may have been, it was jacked up. Some of you may have been poorly educated on marriage or you've let pop culture educate you on it (or the lack of a need for it). As a single man, right now, this would be the time to have God reveal to you the purpose of marriage and/or if you are meant to even be married. The Bible says that marriage is to be honorable among ALL (Hebrews 13:4). Some of you may be better off “honoring it” by not entering it. If you are selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate, disrespectful, chauvinistic, demanding, abusive (which simply means “abnormally using something”), promiscuous NOW, marriage is not going to minimize those things...it will only magnify them.

Now, that doesn't mean God can't change you. I am a LIVING TESTAMENT to the power of God when you let him take over your life. (2 Corinthians 5:17) But, I will also testify to the fact that it takes really hard work to go from “wounded” to “healthy”. To be a godly person, you have to be willing to work at it...DAILY. And, I'm just gonna be real with you: I have accepted the reality of a poem that I wrote many years ago: “And since I'm a queen, I'm gonna start to flaunt it. Can't balance a crown on my head and be on my back, too.” We are supposed to live like we are a part of a royal priesthood. (I Peter 2:9) While single, QUEENS CAN'T BALANCE CROWNS (WHILE) ON THEIR BACKS...AND NEITHER CAN KINGS.

How can you “recognize” the importance of physically honoring me as your wife, when you don't even do it now as my friend or “significant other”? If you are too selfish, too demanding, too promiscuous (and remember, sleeping with ANYONE who ain't your wife INCLUDING ME is the spiritual definition of promiscuity) to care about my needs and feelings...to take into account how your decisions will directly affect your witness to me NOW, how can I trust that you will miraculously...on your own...do better later? Discernment tells me that I can't...and shouldn't. Shoot, I love myself and the Bible says that my “love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment.” (Philippians 1:9) This is the time for you to get really honest with yourself, to let the truth set you free (John 8:32) to the reality of if you are currently marriage material. If you're not willing to make the character investments, you don't deserve the “favor” (wife) pay off.

Women: The Word says that we are to be joint heirs with them in grace. A graceful woman is “characterized by elegance or beauty of form, manner, movement, or speech”...she's “elegant”...she's “beautiful”...”becoming”...”CONTROLLED”...”elastic”...”harmonious”...”poised”...”PRACTICED”...”refined”...”skilled”; she is “characterized by charm, good taste, kindness, and generosity of spirit”. That is not an easy feat. NOW, as single women, is the time to grasp hold of these traits. It takes practice to be elastic and harmonious (if you already get on your friends nerves, you can pretty much guess that you will get on your husband's); it takes DAILY SURRENDERING to become kind and to have a generous spirit. This is why Proverbs 31:30 (NKJV) tells us that, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”

Praise. I was recently telling someone that I knew I wasn't going to be ready to be married to someone until I was able to praise him and he was able to praise me the way Solomon and the woman he so lovingly spoke of in Songs of Solomon did (chapter 4:1-15 and 5:10-16). A man can compliment you, but it's the praise of a godly husband that you should desire. That comes from someone who discerns that you fear God and that you respect his role in your life. When it comes to those things, your charm and beauty have very little to do with it.

A lot of women are putting far too much energy on hair weaves/dye, colored contacts, plastic surgery, diets (eating right and exercising are the best diets, BTW), clothes and lingerie, and I'm here to tell you: J-Lo, Salma Hayek, Halle Berry, Jessica Simpson, Melyssa Ford...they've ALL been left by a man---on more than one occasion. If all a man is interested in is how you look, he doesn't have spiritual vision. KEEP IT MOVIN'. However, if all you're interested in is how you look, guess what, ma? You can't “see” too far as well and so you need to stay single for awhile longer, too. One of the things that we are to be to our mates is “spiritual surplus”. With us in their lives, they should be able to gain access to so much more (good and purposeful) than they had before we came onto the scene.

Do you think it's a coincidence that the Bible calls wisdom “her”? (Proverbs 1:20, 8:1, 9:1) Our husbands should be able to come to us and we be able to talk about more than nails, purses and “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” (gimme a break!). We are to be a source of knowledge, discernment, (godly) judgment and discretion. They should be able to come to us and have us provide enlightenment, reason, and intelligent information. How many people right now come to you for advice? That's a good way to judge your current “well of wisdom” levels. I don't go to people who seem to be worse off than I am. A GODLY MAN will use the same kind of measuring stick in selecting a wife. You want a godly man? Focus right now on being a gracious woman so that when the two of you are joined, your prayers will not be hindered...so that the favor that you bring him will cause his “clout” with God to be effective...that is how to earn the praise of a man.

Well, that's it for now. Shoot, if you really think about it, that should be enough....for now.

Men, make sure to be CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS today. Women, make sure to carry yourself with an AIR OF GRACE. It's makes for good husband/wife-in-training practice, and practice makes perfect...or at least happy and healthy. :-)

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Just a couple of days ago, I was teasing one of my friends about messing with “Philistine women”. That's what I call women who are outside of God's “love parameters”. What's the definition of “insanity”? Doing the same thing and expecting a different result, right? Well, while I'm sure most of my male friends have (unfortunately) partaken of a Philistine woman...or two...or 10, as my mother so often says, “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher”. That is what the Bible is here for (well, one of the reasons): to help us discern so that we don't have to make such mistakes. Proverbs 15:21 tells us that, “Folly is joy to him who is destitute of discernment, but a man of understanding walks uprightly.”

Well, if you're a Bible reading/believing man, then you have already been given a “head's up” of what the wrong woman can do to your life. You know, until now, I never really understood why King Solomon would mention the foolishness of a son and the contentions of a wife in the same sentence. Now that I'm penning this series, I think for a lot of reasons that it's because the two work hand-in-hand:

“Now Samson went down to Timnah, and saw a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines. So he went up and told his father and mother, saying, 'I have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.' Then his father and mother said to him, 'Is there no woman among the daughters of your brethren, or among all my people, that you must go and get a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?'

And Samson said to his father, 'Get her for me, for she pleases me well.'”---Judges 14:1-3 (NKJV)

Certain translations of the Bible says that God allowed this to happen because God was looking for a way to challenge the Philistines, and because we know how God operates when it comes to aligning purpose (Romans 8:28), I certainly wouldn't doubt it. But, we also know that because beauty, sensuality and risk-taking seemed to be like aphrodisiacs for Samson, his outcome didn't turn out well (well, as well as it could have...he still defeated the Philistines). BEING WITH THE WRONG WOMAN CAN NOT ONLY HUMILIATE YOU, BUT POSSIBLY KILL YOU---MIND, BODY AND/OR SPIRIT. Samson choosing “outside of the camp” hurt his parents (they wanted so much more for him than a 'heathen woman'), but it also caused him great harm. And so here is where the male/female head's up for this chapter begins.

Men: As we all know, King Solomon had his hands full when it came to women as well. The Bible tells us that he had 700 wives, 300 concubines (a woman who cohabits with a man to whom she is not legally married, esp. one regarded as socially or sexually subservient; mistress) and HIS WIVES TURNED AWAY HIS HEART (from God). (I Kings 11:3) Watch the chicks who want you to make them your top priority...over God and then your purpose. When Adam was on the scene, his relationship with God came FIRST, his purpose SECOND and the Woman THIRD. (Genesis 1-2) All three made him complete (things happening in threes often do), but everything about God's system is orderly. (I Corinthians 14:40). If you're dating a woman now who wants you to hang out with her when you need to spend time with your Father, who is always calling/texting you at work, who feels you should be spending money on her like she's already one with you...FLEE FROM THAT CHICK. It doesn't matter how fine she is. Proverbs 11:22 (NCV) says, “A beautiful woman without good sense is like a gold ring in a pig's snout.”

AS A MAN, a part of your purpose is to seek out God to find out who your helpmate is; a woman who loves (and obeys) God...who shares your values...who honors order...who lives by (godly) principles...who will allow God to bring her to you. To select a woman without godly counsel (with God being first on the list) or someone who loves mostly in word (you know a lot of us will tell you ANYTHING just to get what we want, right? It's called a “Jezebel spirit”) rather than deed (I John 3:18), could very well become the ruin of you. The Bible first introduces a wife under the description of a “helper”. (Genesis 2:18) That means that we are to be giving you assistance and support....we “contribute to the fulfillment of a need”...we are to be the FURTHERANCE OF AN EFFORT OR PURPOSE. If you are in a relationship right now, it would be good for you to have a “coming to Christ” meeting about whether your girlfriend is equipped to further you and your purpose. Here's three huge signs that she's not:

1. If she has no relationship with God.

2. If she doesn't respect your time, talents or other priorities.

3. If she doesn't have a life outside of trying to build one with you.

How do I know? Because if we are supposed to be helping you in your purpose, if we are what brings you favor with God (Proverbs 18:22), then that means there are some gifts/talents/abilities within us that complement you and what you do. I mean, unless you're a porn director or strip club manager, I'm not so sure how a “she's pretty, can hold it down and that's it” chick is gonna assist you much; besides, you are here, not to be entertained (solely), but to work in furthering GOD'S KINGDOM. A GODLY WOMAN will build a relationship with you based on GODLY PRINCIPLES. One principle will be that she will love you as herself (Mark 12:31), which means she won't comprise you (mind/body/soul) in any way and two, she will respect you: your life, your family and friends, your feelings, your needs, your priorities. If she can't do that now, I don't see why you would believe that marriage would change that. Actually, to believe so is pure foolishness, which brings me to the ladies.

Women: Do you see what the second part of the lead verse says? To be contentious is not only to be “quarrelsome” and “argumentative”, but to be someone who is always stirring up controversy. In other words, something is ALWAYS an issue with you. Something that my Baba (my mother's husband) says is that he doesn't do emotional roller-coaster rides. He will watch and wait for us to get off and then help us with the “post-nausea”, but he has no interest in the drama. Now, I always knew that a contentious/nagging wife was annoying, but it wasn't until today that I REALLY saw the root cause of it: WHEN YOU UNITE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT IN PURPOSE OR YOU ARE NOT TO BE ONE WITH IN PURPOSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE PROBLEMS.

I was recently talking to a military wife with 30+ years of happy and healthy marriage under her belt about a newlywed couple that I know. The (also military) wife appears to be really struggling with the lifestyle. “She needs to get over it,” said the marathon-marriage wife. “Find some things to do on base...get involved in church...find some sense of community.” She said it so casually that it kind of seemed insensitive---to my physical ear. Oh, but discernment revealed what she meant. This wife who spoke those pearls of wisdom is a wife in purpose with her husband's calling. She can roll with it, because she was called to it.

So many women want a doctor, but then become a wife and are mad about his schedule.

So many women want a musician, but then as a wife are always jealous of the back-up singers and paranoid by the groupies.

So many women want an entrepreneur, but as a wife can't seem to handle the “feast-or-famine” lifestyle.

SO MANY WOMEN ARE MARRYING OUT OF PURPOSE. And when you do that, yes, life makes it really hard to respect/submit to your husband no matter what (Ephesians 5:22 & 33); life makes it easier to be argumentative (because you don't really get what going on) and yes, the combination of the two will probably be that you will be one to stir up a lot of controversy.

OK, so you did catch that King Solomon compared a controversy-prone woman to Chinese water torture, right? Not good, not good. As a single woman, this is the time to really focus on you...what you like/dislike...what you are good at and what you're not...what brings you joy/passion/fulfillment and what doesn't because once you figure out who you are, who “he” is will become more apparent. You won't just love who “he” is, but what he does and you will be more than inspired to help him out.

Truth be told? If you are having a hard time loving what he does now, there's a great chance you could end up loathing it (and him) later...and you're both so much better than that.

Single men and women, love is a choice. With God's help, CHOOSE WISELY.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Naked: being without clothing or covering; nude; defenseless; unprotected; exposed; plain; simple; unadorned; not accompanied or supplemented by anything else; exposed to view or plainly revealed; plain-spoken; blunt

Unashamed: not ashamed; not restrained by embarrassment or consciousness of moral guilt; open; unconcealed; unabashed

OK, Ms. Benbow...you encouraged this (I think for now, I will “counsel” in print), so for all of the people who are wondering why they are all of a sudden being inundated with this kind of information, take it up with Candice...oh, and God. :-)

Something told me (actually it was the Holy Spirit) that when God gave me the “365 Things to Do for Your Man During the First Year of Marriage” assignment/idea, that this was gonna be a series. A short one, though...I think. Maybe 10-12 preparation tips on how to start your first year off with a bang (pardon the pun)!

Let me just say this...especially to the men: If marriage is the last thing on your mind right now, file these in a folder somewhere. You may not need this info now...or, it may not be for you at all, but rather someone you know who is seeking the Father's face on this matter. Either way, know that it is NOT A COINCIDENCE that you are receiving these. Consider it a “Celestine Prophecy” moment. (If that's over your head, get the book!)

Anyway, so as I was praying about the next step in this tip series, the lead verse is what the Holy Spirit took me to. (Luke 12:12) It really is surprising how much your perspectives on things can change once you know what the definitions of certain words actually are. Maybe it's just me, but for years, whenever I read “naked and not ashamed”, I figured that Adam and the Woman were naked and...well...not ashamed of being naked. Oh, but it's so much more to it than that.

Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed is undefiled. That means that it is pure. THAT means that it is “free from anything of a different, inferior, or contaminating kind”. Something that one of my married friends recently said to me is, “Shellie, you have no idea what it's like to be in bed with your husband and about 12 other people.” She was referencing memories of past relationships/sex partners...porn...fantasies of other people, etc. I feel her. As someone with my own “sordid past”, something that has kept me “two years clean” is that I know, especially as a creative person, that I already have a vivid imagination. I DON'T NEED ANY HELP BY ADDING PAST MEMORIES (OR FUTURE PEOPLE) TO IT. I want to be able to give myself to my husband free and clear of all of the drama. And I'm gonna tread softly on this, but if you didn't “do it right” on the front end, stop now, give it a year or so (Luke 13:6-9), and your body really will restore itself, ladies. YOU'D BE AMAZED! God can restore what locusts have eaten.(Joel 2:23-25)

But you see, here's the thing. To REAP a marriage bed that is naked and not ashamed, you must SOW those kinds of seeds. (Galatians 6:7) Marriage and sex makes you one, but that doesn't automatically make you pure. (Let that marinate.) In other words, just because you've been “kickin' it” and then decide you would rather “marry than burn” (I Corinthians 6:9), that doesn't automatically absolve consequences of disobedience. The Bible says that if you sow to the flesh, that you will reap...PERIOD. (Galatians 6:8)

While speaking at a church in Seattle last October, the pastor and his wife (really cool couple of 10 years) told me that their first three years of marriage basically sucked when it came to sex and it was because they had so much of it (with each other) before marriage. It was the “forbidden-ness” of it all that made it appear “fun” and so, once they could do it, they were pretty much like “For what? It's no fun now.”

Oh, it's always a set-up, ain't it? When the Word says that the Enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), you can best believe that since God is not a supporter of fornication UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ephesians 5:3) that Satan is all for making a mockery of God and his gifts by tempting us to do...in this case, “it”. Why?

“But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.”---James 1:14-16 (NKJV)

I've been lied to and fallen for it. Counterfeit sex got me nothing but drama, heartache, self-image issues, fear and the death of four of my children. Sex has a purpose...none of those things are it. And so, once again, as it relates to this “prepare tip”, there is an instruction for the men and for the women.

Men: The “naked” definition that most applies to you (as least as it relates to this message), is “ not accompanied or supplemented by anything else”. When it relates to being unashamed, what you need to focus on is being “open”.

NAKED: I used to watch porn and I work with a porn ministry, so I'm just gonna put it out there: GOD DOESN'T NEED OUR HELP IN BRINGING ABOUT SEXUAL PLEASURE...no tapes...no dildos/vibrators...no extra women (or men...or memories of those women or men)...no fake breasts...NOTHING. One song that I have always thought was so cute was John Mayer's “Your Body Is A Wonderland” and when it comes to the woman God has PURPOSED for you (yes, even when it comes to sexual pleasure/fulfillment), HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING. From the marriage blog series, two of my favorite statements from husbands are 1) no matter what is going on, my wife's body always responds to me and 2) when the Lord made my wife, he had me in mind.

As a single man, this is the time to ask God to clear your mind/body/spirit from what you thought, due to the world's teaching (I Corinthians 3:19), is a “good thing” and let him REPROGRAM YOU. (2 Corinthians 5:17) Shoot, I'm a girl and I can attest to the fact that it's not going to be easy (although I am claiming that the reward(s) will be GREAT), but here's the thing: God said in his Word that it's in our weakness that his strength is made perfect...that his grace is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9) As a woman who is FINALLY coming to see my value...as someone who no longer desires to give my “holiness” to the dogs (Matthew 7:6), you can best believe that if I am going to submit myself to you (Ephesians 5:22), if I'm going to allow you to have authority over my body (I Corinthians 7:4), then you better be submitting to God...you'd better be letting him have authority over you! That doesn't come overnight. THAT TAKES PRACTICE. This would be the time to put that practice into action.

OPEN: If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. Guys, you know that we as women are emotional beings. We don't just want to connect with a man physically; we want to connect with his entire being. If you feel that, even in this season of dating/mate searching, that the women you are PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN, you have to hide stuff from, either she is not the gal for you or you are not ready to be a husband. I've often wondered if I would “care” about my future king's sexual past. After all, a Shellie R. Warren original quote is, “Don't worry about his past. It brought him to your present.” You know how it says that in heaven, we will be able to see the Judgment Book to find out why certain people didn't make it? I've always believed that I won't care...so long as I get there. I believe that when it comes to a lot of my husbands past stuff, I will feel the exact same way. BUT, I do take issue with him if he CAN'T tell me things. If we are one, then that means I have bonded myself to all of who he is. If he can't trust me to reveal that...we may be having sex, but we are definitely not being intimate...AND I DESERVE INTIMACY.

Seemingly, guys don't have a problem physically DISCLOTHING themselves, but sex, the way that God intended it, is about you also “taking off” the ego, the facade, the fears and insecurities and sharing them with your helpmate (uh...to help you through those things). NOW is the time to start processing, or as my mother calls it, “unpacking” that reality.

Women: We are SO not off of the hook! “Naked” for us, in this message, means “unadorned” and “exposed to view or plainly revealed; plain-spoken”. If you can't, as a single woman, honestly enjoy looking at yourself totally naked in the mirror right now, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...RIGHT NOW. It is a manipulative and dysfunctional spirit to not like you and then want a man to 1) like you, anyway and 2) fill the voids of your self-identity that you couldn't even fill yourself (or allow God to help you fill). You don't like your gut, but darn it, he'd better. You are always down-talking/picking at your skin, but he'd better not be irritated by the piles of make-up that you put on to cover up YOUR insecurities. It's so over the top---and ridiculous. When it's time for us to be “naked” with our husbands, we need to be exposing ALL OF OURSELVES, which means we need to be comfortable now with getting to a place where that is not an issue. WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE, be plain-spoken with yourself and your Heavenly Father, pray about it (for wise counsel) and then FIX IT (...if it needs to be fixed...I've come to accept my “overbite flaw” as a blessin').

I know someone, who, to this day, will not have sex with her husband in the daytime...whaaaaat? I thought the Bible said not to withhold, unless you are fasting, period. (I Corinthians 7:5) I mean, really...what?!? You don't think the Enemy can tempt your man during daytime hours? Surely, you must be kidding! Pamper yourself, NOW. Love on yourself, NOW. Celebrate yourself, NOW. When your husband comes along, he should be joining in on the party 24/7...and it shouldn't be a pity one.

On the “unashamed” tip, the definition that we need to spend some time meditating on is “not restrained by embarrassment”. When I was having “single sex”, performance scores (we're all grown here, so let's get it out and over with) was pretty much my biggest concern. It took an ex of mine telling me that it wasn't enough---to enjoy sex physically with me---that made me realize and accept that men are not just physical specimens...they are emotional creatures as well. When it comes to sex, YOU HAVE FOREVER TO GET IT RIGHT. Don't put barriers up because you are afraid that you won't be Jenna Jameson (If you don't know who that is...GOOD FOR YOU) or you are not as “educated” as Zhane (same as what I said about Jenna). In the wise words of one of my favorite sex authors, Tim Alan Gardner (“Sacred Sex”), sex isn't (just) about orgasms, but oneness. Orgasms are the icing on the oneness cake. EAT IT ALL.

Now? Of course, not. But what you can be doing right now is letting go of all of the anxiety that comes with walking and waiting in purity AND making sure that you are actually pure (clear, complete, germ-free, purified, real, refined, transparent, true, unadulterated, undebased, unmingled, wholesome). Just because you don't have intercourse, doesn't mean that you are pure...fondling, oral sex, sleepovers, dry humping (I haven't used that in a devotional...perhaps ever!) are all things that should be reserved for one man and one man ONLY. And you know what? I've polled my male friends and they agree. A girl who hasn't had intercourse but has “serviced” in other ways...that doesn't give them warm fuzzies....that doesn't reassure them of her purity...her continence...HER HONOR (look up synonyms for “purity”...you might be surprised). The Bible says that wives are to be honored as the weaker vessel (I Peter 3:7). To have the title without the qualifications is kind of pointless, wouldn't you say? Me too.

Well, there goes #2 in the “Marriage Prep Instruction” series. I'm sure that these will only open the door to deeper PERSONAL revelations, but as I was just telling one of my spiritual sistahs, there's no point in graduating (getting married) when you never went to class (prepared for it)!

©Shellie R. Warren/2009

Women: OK, a lot of you should appreciate this because it will give you something to do to take your mind off of the fact that while “he” may not be here (yet), because we walk by faith and not by sight (RIGHT?!?-2 Corinthians 5:7), for many of us, we can trust that he is certainly on the way (hence, you receiving this email). I am led to impress upon you to get a journal (A FRESH JOURNAL) and in it, write 365 THINGS TO DO FOR YOUR HUSBAND during the first year. It could be a handmade card one day...a romantic night the next...a ”goodie bag” weekend...shoot, let me hush because I am creating my own list and I think it should actually be kept private. :-)

But, I think the reason why the Holy Spirit gave this instruction is because the reality (Ecclesiastes 7:18-Message) is that marriage is very different from single life. IT IS AN ADJUSTMENT and when it comes to romance, we shouldn't rely on “winging it”. The past several months, while growing in my platonic relationships with men, I realize that they deserve respect (BECAUSE GOD SAID SO), but they also need “sanctuary” environments...the world is hard enough without having to come home to harsh realities. If we rely on our emotions to determine our “love expressions” towards them, because the heart (as well as our hormones) can be deceitful at times (Jeremiah 17:9), it could cause us to not give them the kind of lovin'/spiritual fuel that they need to support us/provide for us/protect us. It has to be a scary thing to be spiritually/financially responsible for another person. They need us to have their back. Therefore, we should have a special book in place. I have learned that men LOVE attention/affection/spontaneity. It sounds a bit contradictory, but sometimes that requires a lil' forethought.

So, why am I doing all of this? Well, because I don't know about you, but I intend to be a curse breaker in my family when it comes to not only avoiding divorce, but being in a happy and healthy marriage for the rest of my days. I see that God is honoring that request (the marriage blog, this, etc.) by giving me extra information...in seeking him, I am finding special answers.

Well, that's it. At least for now.

As God provides me with more, you know I will share. :-)

Take care...prepare.

©Shellie R. Warren/2009