Porn Makes Me Feel Numb

by Paul R. on December 14th, 2012 in Students

When you go to the dentist sometimes you will receive anesthetic.  Sometimes you will not. If that happens you should look for another dentist. That one’s free right there.

The reason they give you drugs is basically so you don’t squirm in the seat due to the huge amounts of pain that sticking a needle in your mouth usually entails. If you jolt unexpectedly with sharp things in your mouth it can turn out pretty bad. I hope this hasn’t put any of you off visiting your doctor. The numbness is a good thing, believe me. It prevents a huge mop of blood and ultimately will result in any necessary treatment being carried out on your teeth safely.

Numbness therefore is good. It protects us from going through a painful experience and allows us to get better.

Of course not all numbness is good. Sometimes we can use it to hide from the pain we don’t want to face. Sometimes numb is dumb.

Porn is a pretty good example of this. When you look at porn over and over again, eventually the images you look at and the movies you watch become so normal and so boring that they have less effect on you. Either you will search out more extreme porn to compensate or you will just keep coming back to the same pictures day after day, hoping that the disappointment you felt after last night’s session was just a fluke. Today will be better.

What essentially is happening though is that we are becoming numb. Sure, numb to the images that once satisfied us, but also numb to the fact we are repeating actions that always leave us ashamed and full of regret. Porn is sneakier than just making us look at harder stuff.

And when this happens it’s very difficult for us not to carry this perspective around with us. So we hear our friends talk about how amazing a movie was and we’re just “meh”. We’re in church and people seem to be interacting with God, while we are just ready to get out of there and be alone. We used to get excited about certain activities or dreams, now we are easily distracted and are looking for the next thing to stimulate us.

We aren’t creative. We’re just numb.

We’re not open. We’re just bored.

We’re not excited. We’re just pretending.

We can’t expect to keep going back to something that ultimately leaves us feeling like crap and not be prepared that life will seem that little bit less alive.

Of course if this was the end of the story it would be pretty depressing, but as hope has it we have a lot more that we can look forward to. I’m talking about Heaven. Not sitting on some fluffy clouds dressed in white robes singing 24/7. I’m talking about God’s kingdom on Earth. Eternal life experienced here and now.

When we stop looking at porn we aren’t going to suddenly feel great about life again. It will take time and consistency and an openness to change with people helping you. But slowly you will see a mist disappear that surrounded everything in your life. As clichéd as it may sound you will start to see things not with new eyes, but with more clarity.

So when we go to the dentist we leave with our mouths still numb. The injection hasn’t completely worn off yet and we go to eat a meal and end up with saliva everywhere. When the effects do start to disappear we can experience the joys of eating again. We can smile again without the awkward numb smile after an injection, half way between a sneer and a smirk. We can form actual sentences with words that come in a particular order, make sense and everything. Things that we took for granted take on a whole new beauty.

The numbness that disappears when we stop looking at porn allows us to feel those same emotions. Activites, friends, art, dreams, God, Church, nature, jobs, all those things that had been effected by looking at porn become things that we find joy in perhaps for the first time.

And I know that there will be many people reading this who will feel like this is a foreign concept to them. It might even make you feel bad about yourself. You’re not feeling that joy, or you can’t be excited about God and your life. I get that.

But the reason I can write about this is because I have been where you have sat. At the same computer laptop that opened up worlds of porn. During those same times alone in your room, when you could have been partaking in life but instead were running back to the same sites that left you feeling so disgusting yesterday.

I used to watch porn until 2 or 3am most nights. I would finish and then realised I had missed out on sleep and would have to wake up in a few hours to begin a day that now I just wished I could spend in bed. I was numb to the idea of tomorrow.

A few days ago I skyped at 2am with a few guys who I help figure out this whole porn thing. I heard them share about their week and their struggles and I rejoiced with them as they were open about their victories. It felt like there was another life that exists outside of porn and I went back to bed, inspired to wake up in a few hours to be alive.

2am in front of a laptop can fill you with hope or it can fill you with despair.

It can make you want to hide or make you want to show yourself.

It can make you numb or make you feel.

And it can even make you not mind visiting the dentist.

 

 

 

 

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