My husband and I were sitting by the fire outside last fall. It was late and, honestly, I was tired.
He wanted to have a chat about our sex life. I instantly became aware of that mental wall I had around all things sexual instantly come up. Yet, I knew that this conversation had to happen.
We had been reading a book about how to restore intimacy after betrayal. While it had been helpful, the book also brought up some hard topics to discuss with your spouse and I had a hard time coming to terms.
After betrayal, sex is a deeply layered and difficult topic.
Many spouses, myself included, already have a weird and, most times, shameful view of sexuality. This stems from all sorts of things from our culture and upbringing to our legalistic Christian views (that aren’t actually Biblical).
I actually used to believe that I had to have sex with my husband no matter how I felt about it. That is a pretty strange belief.
Add on having your husband choose to masturbate to porn or have sex outside of marriage and our stances on sexuality get even more twisted. Shame is layered on to anything we thought previously.
Betrayal stings to say the least. It made me believe that I was not enough for my husband but also that I needed to be available anyway. I felt unworthy and unwanted.
Needless to say, that conversation by the fire was not easy. But, do you know what it did? Allowed us both to begin openly talking about sex without shame.
That first conversation opened the door to begin rebuilding a healthy sex and intimate life. We have been able to discuss our past on a deeper level; not just about actions but about the why behind those actions.
When we are able to uncover the why behind actions, healing can truly begin!
The why gives us the reasons we do things. My husband realized that his porn addiction was directly related to PTSD. I realized my warped views on sex weren’t ONLY from my husband’s betrayal, though that added to it. (No way, lol!)
Once we come to those “light bulb” moments we are better able to navigate forward in a healthy way. Instead of repeating behavior we don’t know the roots behind, we can STOP the behavior because the roots have been brought to light and processed.
What are some root causes for you?
Have you dealt with the shame from previous actions? Or what about that wound that just doesn’t seem to stop bleeding?
Whatever is behind your actions needs to be brought to light and the only way that will happen is through uncomfortable conversations that you probably don’t want to have. Shame will even try to stop you from doing so.
But don’t let it. Shame will always tell you lies about who you are; you’re dirty, you’re not worthy, no one likes you. Those are ALL lies.
Scripture tells us the truth: You are a child of God, you have been made in His image, you have worth, He has plans for YOU!
My husband had a hard time thinking that God loves him. To this day it can be a struggle. But that is just shame whispering in his ears. Frankly, I struggle with those thoughts too.
Listen, my marriage wasn’t healed, my husband and I were not healed, through allowing those lies lead our lives. We both had to begin having incredibly difficult conversations in order to move forward.
Are you ready to move forward too?
One way to start that journey is by joining a group. Being a part of a community of people that are going through similar things enables us to open up without shame. If you would like to join, go to smallgroupsonline.com.
Another great way to put one foot in front of the other is to educate yourself on shame. Our CEO Carl Thomas wrote a book, When Shame Gets Real, all about it and I can not recommend it enough!
Today is the day to start your healing, don’t let the lies of this world stand in your way. Dig up your roots and plant something healthy.