Letter to myself:
Dear wandering child,
You are spiraling. You’ve been spiraling for years now, and have been too afraid to admit it. You thought things would change. You reach out one hand begging for God’s mercy and with the other go back on your word for your own selfish needs. You make excuses. You point fingers. You say you’re not as bad as others and for some reason that makes you better. It doesn’t. You are dirty, in desperate need of the living water and blood to pour over you and wash you clean. You are sick, crippled by your own fear and the lies you speak. You are deceiving, manipulating, selfish, every trait of others that you say made you the way you are. You are guilty. No one made you like this except for yourself. You had the choice all those years ago to start down this path, and all this time you’ve had the choice to get off it it. We know what choices you made.
You are all those things and probably a lot more, too… But you know what? You’re done. I’M done. I’m not going to let you be this anymore. Time and time again I reach the end of my rope with you, desperate to leave you once and for all and time and time again you just reach up out of your pit and drag me back down to you. Not anymore. I am a child of God, and I will not be bound by the chains of you and your sins. I am set free with the blood of Jesus, through His death I am saved. I am clean. I am healed. I am selfless, dedicating my life to His Word and love. I am being made innocent.
You’re reign is over. You won’t make it easy… I already know how difficult you make the road to recovery. You fill it with withdrawals, compromises and bargains, temptation, pain, and suffering. I feel the part of you inside me laughing, saying that this attempt will end just like the others, and I’ll be back to you soon enough. The part of me that serves the Lord says otherwise. This time is different because HE is with me. I know I cannot defeat you on my own. I’ve tried and failed countless times. The wrath and patience and fury and love and mercy of the Lord is the only thing that can prevail, and it will. I’ve seen Him work miracles in me all my life, and I fully believe He will work yet another one in destroying you.
I might stumble. You might tempt me down into that pit again. But I will not let you be the focus; I will not dwell on my failures. I will ask for forgiveness and let God separate the sin as far from me as the East is from the West. One day you will be that far away from me too.
I will not let you affect my life any longer. I will not let you ruin my future – my future marriage, my children’s lives, my goals, or my life’s purpose.
I dedicate myself to serving Jesus, and seeking Him above everything else. I will turn to Him for guidance, peace, hope, comfort, and love. I will surround myself with encouraging people like-minded in faith who will hold me accountable. I will repent to the family and friends I have hid you from. I will spend the rest of my life reaching out to others who struggle with their own version of you and helping them finally be free of you.
I will finally be free of you.
One last thing – I’ve hated you for so long. I’ve felt depression, anger, fear, shame, and pure, unadulterated hatred for and because of you for five years now. I thought that I’d always hate you, and never ever let go of it. But today… by grace alone I am able to look you in the eyes and see you for the misguided, hurt little girl that you are and say these three life changing words…
I forgive you.
God loves you, little one. He wants to save you and I want to be saved. So let’s conquer this together. Let’s take back the time we’ve wasted. Let’s learn to forgive and never forget, but rather learn from our failures and keep moving forward. Let’s let love in, and destroy the petty imitation of it we’ve sought after. Let’s end this reign of misery, and let the King of Kings take it from here.
Letter from my sex addict:
To the other side –
I want to be you again. I want to be innocent, with clean eyes and a mind not so ridiculously desensitized to the sins I’ve brought in our life. I want to feel real pleasure… but when the time is right. I don’t want to selfishly take it for myself prematurely anymore. I want to feel loved by God again.
I struggle with you so much, you hate me – I hate me too – and I’m envious of you, so I pull you down. I got it in your mind long ago that this is your destiny, that others have driven you to me and there’s no escaping it. I’ve made myself seem innocent and approachable and desirable… I’ve lied to you. And I am more ashamed than words will ever say.
I want to be clean again. I want to be the daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, wife, and disciple that God, my loved ones, and you can be proud of. I want to die once and for all be reborn as the child of God we were created to be. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done…
I want today to be the start of the end of me. I want to recover with you and get better. I want so many things… some that will end up bringing us both down again – that’s my nature. But most of the things I want are the things you NEED. So I’m begging you… be the stronger half. Let me die. Turn to your Savior and let Him be all you need. Get better. And please, please… forgive me.