A World so Close, Yet so Far Away

Dear Sex Addict, Monster in Me,

It’s been a long time since we met each other, right? Probably for over 10 years, constantly pulling and pushing each other. As if we were two children tugging at a toy, and that toy was my heart. My soul. My mind. My everything. You always thought I was a toy right? You always though I was weak. I was ashamed. I didn’t have enough faith. I wasn’t strong enough to overcome you. I never could.

You were right. I never could. A lot of things happened. So much. I met angels and I met demons. I made accountability and I broke accountability. I sealed promises that cracked in days. It was always this cycle of holiness, then lust, pornography, masturbation. Then once again, spiritual high filling me up with God’s presence, just for those moments. Until you brought me down again.

I hated it. I hated how I could never ever look you in the eye, slaved under you, fought and lost, too many times. And I hated how I always thought I hated you, but I really didn’t. How could I hate you if I always hid with you? We’re so stupid, aren’t we? We think God doesn’t know. We think others don’t know. We think the darkness is dark enough to cover how disgusting we are.

But we’re wrong. You’re wrong. When there is no light, God is the light. He is even the light in the darkness. He sees everything as clear as day. We think we can hide? He sees and knows, and His heart breaks.

And yes, I do realize… this is just another attempt to break you down, another try to break away from this cycle that entangled me for too long. Too long.

But it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Do you understand how much it hurts? How much it hurts to not feel the hurt? That I think I could go and look at them like objects to be lusted after, instead of real people? I never thought I could hurt people. I never did. Until I met you.

But I still don’t hate you. I don’t know how to hate you. If I hated you, would you go away? Would you just hate me back? Would I lose you? Do I want to lose you? Are you not part of me?

But God… Jesus wants to change me. We can’t stay together anymore.

You know… we’re like brothers. No, even greater. You are me. I am you. Just different sides of a coin. Two faces. And somehow, it feels like right now I am about to take a step away from the crossroads. Isn’t that scary? Are you scared that maybe we will never see each other again?

Am I sad? How could I be, when I see how much pain and suffering you caused me and others? But… it’s like breaking part of my heart. It feels weird, but I think that’s what it means to let go.

Letting go. I think it’s about time I let you go.

Oh, and I have reasons for this. I have grown up now. I’m not that little child that didn’t know who you are and blindly followed your footsteps. I’m not that naive boy that thought praise and worship was enough of me to give away to God. Right now I am the teen who struggles viciously, or rather… for the longest time, I didn’t struggle with you at all.

And perhaps that was the scariest moment of all. It came to the point when I was desensitized with what you were doing. What I was doing. It was like we were about to collide into one, even though we already are one. Now, we broke up again. But is this temporary? Or permanent?

So many questions, without answers. But I do know one thing.

People believe in me. My parents believe in me. They love me so much. Remember what my mom said to me? When I was born, she didn’t want to leave for America, and was clinging so close to me and crying so much. Shew as CRYING for someone like me? WHY? WHY? Can you tell me why? Tell me why. If she knew I grew up to be someone like me, with you, would she still hold me like that? Yes. I know she would. I KNOW she would. That’s how much she loves me. And my mother and father didn’t shun me when I told them about you. They knew about the struggles. They wanted to help, you know? How? Why? How am I supposed to know? Aren’t you the one who should know? Hah, I’m kidding. I think you’re the last person who would know.

And Tenshi, my first real Guardian Angel. Dare2Share gave me the experience of freedom. And yes, I realize I have failed since then, but it’s always a struggle. Thailand was another breakthrough that broke down, but it’s always a struggle.

And so many more people I shared you with, they love me. They accept me. They have faith in me. My life is not my own anymore. I am being held by so many people. I have so much accountability. SO MUCH. And yes, it’s not about spiritual highs anymore. It’s about those spiritual lows. Who will be able to overcome the other?

Pornography is not won through just a moment of spiritual ecstasy. It’s won when I find a habit of crushing you.

So then, dear Sex Addict, I am about to find my old, rusty sword and train with the Bible, with worship, with church, with my friends. I’m going to train to fight you. And I’m going to beat you.

When God is with me, who can be against me?

Nothing is impossible with God.

This time, I will win. This time, God will win.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
~John 16:33