I know you convinced yourself this isn’t problem once before, but you know it is. Now you willingly walked back into this problem, and keep teetering between who you know you can be & who you once were. Embrace the changes you’ve been working for, that you have begun to make, that your friends and family have fought for you to be able to make. This isn’t at all a quality of life, and no matter what; this will NEVER replace real relationship(the whole reason you tried this in the first place, feeling undesirable and unworthy of relationship).
Yes, it will be tough. But it will be worth even more than your sash in Kung Fu is, worth even more the hours of practice it took to be a drummer, worth more than the years it continues to take crafting oneself as an artist.You’re afraid you can’t do it, and it’s okay. The best thing is that you’re willing to admit it. Get back into the word and prayer, and I don’t mean quick prayers of the “garden” variety or just reading to fill time. Please, if not for yourself alone, do it for all of those you love and most importantly for God.
You are not and will not be enslaved, by someone or something that is both purposeless & pointless.