I know this is not easy to say but you have not been the man you need to be. You have to stop what you are doing and change you line of thinking and you need to change your heart. If you keep this up bad things will happen. It is okay to be afraid but it is unhealthy to shove that fear away and hid it and try to bury it with in this addiction. You are love by so many people you have a wonderful family, awesome friends and most importantly a girl you want to marry and keep for the rest of your life. So why throw it all away? you have a good life you need to stop living in the past and move on be at peace and now you are loved and that you are not always going to be accepted. You will face rejection but you are not a lone you have a beautiful girl who will always be there and a family who has not stopped loving you. You need to start praying again and reading your bible, you need to work out and release some of that tension in a healthy way. You have a good life a great girl and good friends why throw all of that away? You do not have a reason to think like you did when you where junior high and high school things have changed for the better and you need to keep it up and you need to change this one last demon. You can do this man you become stronger and better you just have to work on your relationship with God, your girl and how you view yourself.
Good luck stay strong,
The man you can be