Letter to myself:
It is time for you to realize your complete failure. You have now tried for more than 3 years and nothing changed. You have prayed, fasted, read books, asked for prayers and accountability, but you are still where you were at the first day of your christian life. With the time, it is even worse because you are loosing hope, strength and faith. This addiction is about to destroy you. If you refuse to be honest and to seek help not only from one or two persons but by being completely honest, not trying to hide it to the majority, it will be the first step. You must recognize that you can’t do it by yourself and that you will never be free if you want to recover from your addiction by keeping it secret to the majority. You have confessed it to many people, but your heart still wants to keep a certain dignity before the others. You need to repent of this pride and to become willing to recognize your addiction. You are not strong and spiritual as you claim and appear to be. The fact that God has anointed you to be a preacher doesn’t make you spiritual. Some christians will never preach but their spirituality is far higher than yours because they are humbles and don’t try to hide anything. They are looking for help with a humble spirit and not with a proud heart that seeks to keep his dignity. You must forsake your desire to appear for what you are not. You fear to be judged because you don’t understand the love of God. The Church can and wants to help you. Of course you don’t need to tell it to everybody, but you need to stop to try to hide things to the majority and to stop to try to be free for a selfish ambition. Your sin will not destroy you. You are attracted by this sister and you think that she’s attracted by you. You already confessed her your struggle and she accepted, with love, humility and compassion, to pray for you daily and to help you in that, not judging you but helping you with love. What a gift ! Even if she is not your wife and even if she will maybe never be your wife, the Lord can bless you in His will with a wonderful gift that you don’t deserve, a wife that you are called to love and to cherish. Can you think about that for a moment ? Can you imagine the hurt and the pain that a woman can feel if she lives with someone who struggles like you do with pornography, lust and masturbation ? And what about your calling ? You are called to preach repentance and holiness ! Do you want to hurt the Church and to be a scandal by being exposed in a lifestyle of addiction and hypocrisy ? I’m sure you don’t. I know that you want to get out of this mess by becoming pure and clean sexually through the blood of Jesus. You have tried for years and the results are still bad, but it is not the end of the story. The Lord is with you and if you are sincere and honest with Him, He will honor this attitude and help you with circumstances, sending people who will help you in that. I know that you are discouraged. After years of fights without any change, it is human to be discouraged and to loose hope. The good news is that you are only 22. By the grace of God, you have all the life before you ! What are a few years of fights during you youth compare to the clean life that is waiting for you ? You can do it and you will do it. I love you and God loves you. You church loves you and your family loves you. Your future wife and future children, if you have them by the grace of God, will love you. There is hope my friend. Do not allow the devil to lead you to focus on your failures. What you did is in the past. Your future depends on your present choices and not on your past bad choices. It is possible for your to live a clean life, pure before every woman, not hurting them and being a vessel of honor in the hands of God. This is the will of God for you. He doesn’t focus on your failures. Yes, your sin is ugly and He hates it, but He loves you and He is looking for your heart, doing everything He can to transform you and to cleanse you. No matter the price, accept to pay it. You will never regret it. It is time for a new beginning between you and God. Persevere and you will find life and peace in Jesus Christ.
I love you and I urge you to do the good choice.
Letter from my sex addict:
I want you to know that the only thing I want is your destruction. My favorite weapon is discouragement. Why? Because I know that you know that my goal is to destroy you. I am in a war without mercy against you and you know it. If you don’t kill me, then I will kill you. I know that you know that by God’s power and God’s grace you can kill me easily. You are right on this point, and that’s why I say that my favorite weapon is discouragement. Why ? Because if I can lead you to be discouraged, you will stop to fight being empowered by the grace of God, and if you stop to do that, I can easily destroy you, even if you know that I came for your destruction. As long as you fight in Christ, I am afraid of you. I remember the weeks of freedom you have. I remember every single time that you refuse to yield to the temptations that I was trying to bring in your life. When you live with this mindset, I am really afraid of you. I know that I can’t do nothing against you as long as you are strong spiritually in Jesus Christ. I want to say it again: My favorite weapon is not the temptation to lust or to masturbate but to lead you to be discouraged. No matter how many times you fall, I know that if you keep faith in God and if you keep trusting in His love and forgiveness, you will grow in the freedom that you have in Christ. I want to put you in a place in which you feel hopeless. If you allow me to do so, I can assure you than you will die because I hate you.
Your sex addict