Dear Cankerworm,
For so many years, you have been telling me that I am nothing without love. I will say that was true. However, where you lied was that I had to find love in a woman’s arms. That was a lie. It’s a lie because I have the love of God that’s faithful to 1,000 generations living inside of me. I am loved, and I am not a worthless being like you tried to tell me so many times. I am not my parents, I am not my upbringing, and I am not some lustful monster addicted to pornography. No such thing will define me. I will only let what God says about me define me. He says I am redeemed. That is all I need to hear.
Cankerworm, you tried to tell me that I was too unattractive and too much of a loser to ever have a girl fall in love with me. You said that porn was okay because I wasn’t going to have a girlfriend or wife anyway. And if I did somehow, she would only end up leaving me because I come from a dysfunctional family and am dysfunctional too. I am telling you now, that those words are pure lies. I agree that I may not be the prototypical “man” & may not be the man needed to lead a family, but I am not the dysfunctional one here in this relationship. You are.
Listen to this: I am going to become the type of man that can love a wife like Christ loves the church. I will die trying if I have to. Better yet, I’m prepared to see you die first. We are not buddies in any way. To get to the goal of building a successful marriage, I have to get past one thing: You.
Yes, you. The You that keeps reminding me that I am just like my father, striking fear into me every time. The You that says my wife won’t like me because I’m not a wealthy millionaire. The You that keeps saying I’m crazy & weird for still being a male virgin at age 23 while everyone was either married or having sex years ago. The You that says I should “Just get laid” because no one wants to date a virgin. The You that always makes fun of me because I haven’t ever kissed a girl.The You that says I should turn that “Jesus thing” down a bit. The You that says my dream of ministry and counseling is a waste of time. The You that says I’m not “marriage material”. The You that says I’m a train ride to divorce. The You that says purity is not worth the fight. The one that says I can’t do anything right. That You.
Here’s a 2nd message Cankerworm: Even if what you said is true about me never getting anything right, I plan to start getting things right now. Better yet, God & I together will get things right. I plan to be pure and holy in all my life. I plan to be pure in terms of my relationships with women, I plan to be pure in my speech and ears, and the best part is that I plan to be pure because God will shape me. I plan to finally treat women as true women, not as sex objects for use. And most of all, I plan to honor God with my body instead of destroying it. With that, I have one more thing to say.
Whether I get married or never get married, and even if I never find someone and am a bachelor for life, I will always love my God more than you. What you hold is nothing more than eradicating, soul-sucking pain. God does what a wife even cannot, and that’s satisfy a soul. God will always be first, married or unmarried. So I don’t care if I have to be celibate and be a virgin for the rest of my life. It is all right to me now. I am in love with Him and will be forever. And what’s better is that he loves me too. I’m his royal diadem. So nuts to you about being unattractive!
So say what you will, Cankerworm. I know you will not go away anyway. Just don’t expect to stay in this garden for much longer.
Sincerely,
Me