Letter to myself:

You have to keep fighting back. We have many powerful tools in our arsenal. We have God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary our mother. We have the Angels and all the saints praying for us. We have to keep trying.

We are not going to be perfect and we can’t beat ourselves up when we fail. God loves us for who we are, and we need to be happy with ourselves and not try to be someone we can’t. I know you are addicted and trying to stop. I know they’re feelings underneath that make you turn to pornography and masturbation. You will be able to overcome this, you have to give yourself to God completely. No holding back anymore. You are dependent on him entirely and that’s what he wants from you. Give yourself to the lord.

Letter from my sex addict:

People tell me it’s wrong, I hear it in church, the confessional, and in my conscience. I say to myself sometimes don’t do it, you’ll regret it later. I don’t like feeling unclean and dirty afterwards. I’ve tried to deny the problem, and said oh I didn’t look at that image or do that to feel better.

I think I have many problems that go deeper than this disgusting imagery and impure sexual act. And I think these deeper problems are what causes me to turn to pornography as an outlet to deal with them. It is an unhealthy one, and I need to find other avenues. I have been unhappy with myself for awhile. I don’t think I’m close to my family anymore. I hide who I am. I have feelings of being attracted to the same sex which make me hate myself sometimes. I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of the desires or attractions, but it feels so unfair to have marriage taken away from me. If I want kids and family, which I do think about often, how am I going to have that if there is no attraction to women? It feels so unfair.

I know God has given us a cross to carry, but many days mine feels so heavy. I used to think I knew which direction I was going in life, what career I would have and everything was to be happy till I died. Then I let other thoughts in my head about a vocation to religious life, or priesthood. Those are still vivid in my mind, but the desire to be free from this sin, is more important first.

When I let my parents know of some of these struggles, they try to be understanding, but they really aren’t much help. And they leave me feeling hopeless and directionless with my life. They are not really supporting me as much as they think they are. I live in a religious community now, discerning a call to be a brother.

I thought community life would be great. I would be free from these awful temptations. I would be surrounded by good people, who wanted to talk about things I was interested in. That lasted for about a two weeks, and then I started to see their true colors. I feel incredibly lonely sometimes living with this community. And my desire to be a brother, dwindles some days when I see the way they act or the things they say. How unholy I think. But who am I to judge them? I’m no saint, that’s for sure.

God sometimes I feel like, I won’t be able to overcome this struggle and sin. But I know you never leave my corner and that I can’t let the devil think he’s won. Continue to fight for me Lord, and I will never give up trying.