Letter to myself:
It’s been a lot of years of hiding. I remember the first time we met. I was really young and really confused. Maybe six or seven and I just didn’t think you were even real but I couldn’t look away. You found ways to stay in my life. Loneliness, feeling different, wanting to be liked and normal. I knew it wasn’t right and that if I was just stronger I could quit. I wasn’t sure for so long why I should quit since I wasn’t sure who was getting hurt but I’ve also known that I’ve lost out on so much. I thought dating and marriage would “fix” me but instead it put me even deeper into secrecy and shame. I’ve almost lost jobs, I’ve wasted hours, I’ve fed the worst part of my character and lived in fear. I’ve not faced things I need to face and have missed out on intimacy and trust. My fear is that it will never end. That I’ll be trapped in this cycle of shame and perfectionism and people pleasing that all seem tied together. I fear that I’ll lose my wife or at least that I’ll lose her trust. I used to dream of her being okay with porn but I’m glad she isn’t because it would take us both to a place of loss and emptiness. Porn, you are done because I’m I know you are a lie and I’m not feeding you anymore. I fear this but know that you will become less strong as I feed things that are noble and will result in life. I’ve decided that I can’t do it but Christ can. I’ve known and professed this but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true just because I forget. I will find ways to deal with stress, shame, loneliness and pain that requires me to live rather than focus on this act of death. I pray for light to shine into my life. You know my biggest fear of being exposed and that is a nightmare you have used for your power. I’ve used lies and justification to keep at this and I now trust that God will do what he needs in his time in his way. I trust him. Scripture, prayer, software, accountability and I’m praying for a friend.
Letter from my sex addict:
You’ve tried. Every time you try I knock you down and humble you so easily. I could kick your feet out when ever I want. I’ve allowed you to do this without losing your wife, family, job and life because it has served me but don’t think it is over when you want without consequence. You’ve tried to quit and you can’t. You long to feel normal and pornography makes you feel normal for a few seconds, that you aren’t the only one. You are going to have to give up so much and still you don’t may never get what you want. I’ll see you around, trust me.