Letter to myself:
Dustin you’re an addict. Addicted to something you never thought you’d be addicted to. Porn. I’ll use that word one more time. That disgusting, shameful word. Porn. You’re in deep my friend. Deeper than you ever have been. You’re in a hole. A hole you always said you’d never be in. And now you don’t know how to crawl out. Oh you’ve crawled out before, but that was when things were easier. When you lived with people, or when you were connected into a church and friends. But this is so different. This is loneliness. This is powerlessness. This is the bottom. This is coming home after work every single night and taking off your jacket and going straight to porn. To one website. For 30 minutes. For an hour. Then drinking. Then eating. Then watching TV. Then back to porn. Oh, you can’t sleep? How about more porn. How about more disgusting, shameful, embarrassing porn. This secret that you thought wasn’t a big deal. Everyone watches porn. Everyone. You can tell people at work you watch it and they’ll laugh. You can tell your Christian friends you’re addicted and watch it every day and they’ll say “oh, you’re just broken like everyone else, good for you”. And you’ll agree with them. This addiction is all consuming. Like a black fire that engulfs you. Waking up thinking about coming home that night to watch porn. Waking up on Saturday, turning on your iPad for porn, before even getting out of bed. How pathetic. Look at what you’ve become. Sunday. Drinking. Porn. Drinking. Porn. Sleep. Porn. Work. Hangover. Porn. Feeling like no one cares? Porn cares Dustin. Porn has everything you want. Just turn on that iPad. Just turn on that computer. Just look at that phone. It’s so easy, like a hanging fruit. Just pull it down. Eat it. It’s so good. But it’s not dude! It’s terrible. You’ve smoked it like a cigarette. Time and time again. At first it was nasty and scary, but then another, and another. Then different kinds. And then you don’t taste the gross part. You taste this smoke that you can’t live without. That you wake up craving, and go to bed disgusted about. And you’re just ruining your body. Just changing chemicals and rotting your lungs. But you keep making this choice. You keep crawling back. Spending money. How dare you spend money on this. It’s all just a fat lie. Waiting to take you for all you’re worth. Oh you didn’t have a fun night? Why not watch porn when you get home. It’s all you have to look forward to.
Dustin, I’m not trying to shame you. I’m trying to show you from an outside perspective what you’ve become. You’ve become a liar. You’ve lied to your mom and dad. Which you’ve become used to. They’re not just mom and dad, they’re people. They’re Richard and Janet. Not only are they the people who have poured into you and loved you every step of the way, but they’re people with feelings and heartaches, just like you. And you say, they don’t understand. I can look at people having sex because my parents don’t understand what this does for me. You’re so wrong. They were in your exact shoes. Having sex with strangers. Maybe dad saw porn, who knows. And they saw how destructive it all was. Now they’re married, with a sex life, and they see how it affects their relationship. All the trash they used to be involved in has affected them to this day. And they see how it affects their relationship with God. It doesn’t go away. You want to be close to God? You want his blessings? You want his Joy and Peace? Then stop watching Porn. Just stop. Do everything you can to stop, because it’s so important man. You’re not a shell, you’re a whole. You’re a temple of a living and awesome God who has called you into sonship. You are a valiant fighter. God is waiting to open up the door on so many things. He’s ready to show up in your room with power. To use you to change hearts at work. But you have to figure out this piece. You have to get to the root of this thing. This evil that corrupts almost everyone you know. You want to be a leader among your friends? Give up porn. Tell others you don’t watch porn. Be vocal. Be accountable. Find men who are pursuing God like you are. It’s only been 5 days, but I know you can do this. You’ve had victories before, but now you’ve believed that you never would again. That’s a lie. You can’t listen to lies. You can’t follow God in daylight, then just indulge in darkness. Satan has trapped you. You let him. You chose, day in and out, to follow your own desires. And look at the depression it brought. You thought that freedom would make you happy, but now you realize that it was depression. Depression you’ve never felt. For a whole month. The saddest you’ve ever been. Because something was missing. After 5 days, you see the difference. And even where you don’t, you have this hope that you will. It’s like a high. Chase this high. This God high usually fades. Do it differently this time. Get off your ass and make decisions. Get back in the game. I believe in you Dustin. You can do this, if anyone can. You’re stronger than you think you are. I’m praying that God will give you the spiritual tools (Grace, Strength, Supernatural Protection), as well as practical ones (Accountability, Computer filters, friends). This is your time. You’re 22. It’s time to be a man. A man who honors women. A man who’s waiting for his wife. And when you meet her to say, “there’s nothing bad in me”. To be pure before the Lord, your loved ones, and her. Knowing that you’re honoring those around you. Change. You can’t do it alone, but make the steps. Start to open yourself up to change. Position your heart every morning, and set your gaze every night. You’re in the thick of it now Dustin, there’s no turning back.
Letter from my sex addict:
Shut up. Just shut up. Stop talking. I don’t care. I really don’t care about any of what you just said. I can do whatever I want. I’m an adult who can make his own decisions. If I want to get drunk and watch porn, then I will. I don’t need your permission. I don’t need anyone’s permission. I can do whatever I want. Yea I know I’m selfish, but I don’t care. Porn’s not gonna hurt anyone. Girls don’t care that I watch porn. It’s what men do. They jack off and watch porn. It’s part of growing up. It’s part of being a man. It makes me feel so much better after a long day. It helps me sleep. When I’m bored, it’s something fun to do. It’s so fun and feels so good. I’ll get over it one day. Just not today. I have too many other hard things going on. One hard thing at a time. Stop pressuring me. You’re pushing me farther towards it. I can’t be honest with my parents. It’s not going to change anything, will just hurt them, and I’ll just go back eventually. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Yea so I don’t have plans tonight. Just let me drink and watch porn. Come on, on a week night it’s harmless. I have friends who watch porn and drink all the time. That’s what we do. We talk about girls and drink. And it’s fun. And for now, it’s all I need in my life. So get out of here with your challenges. I’m content. I have a job, and friends. So who cares. It’s not hurting anybody. God can wait. Change can wait. One more month. A few more months. Leave me alone. I love porn. It’s consuming and it helps me forget everything. It’s a drug, I know that. And I love it. I need more.