I want to kill you.
I want to strangle you, to starve you, to annihilate you.
For years I have felt this way, but never knew how to fight.
My idleness fed your ever-growing appetite.
A sitting duck is a sinning duck, just as idle hands are the devil’s playground.
And I’ve learned this the hard way.
Over the years, I’ve noticed a direct correlation:
The stronger you grow within me, the sadder and more depressed I become.
I continually feel a battle in my soul, for my soul.
My constant worry, waking and sleeping, is whether or not I am saved.
In my heart, I know I believe the gospel with everything I have.
I trust Jesus as my Savior to forgive me of my sin and save me from the Father’s wrath for my sin, the wrath that I so desperately deserve.
I know He is my advocate on my behalf, interceding for me.
I know He lived the perfect live to impute His righteousness to me.

I know I am cleansed and made new in His precious blood.
But one thing that constantly concerns me is that I am not living a life free of YOU.
I may have been delivered from your dominion, and I believe that I have been, but I have not begun to live a life free of you. There have been days when I’ve considered abandoning ship and forsaking God, friends, and family just because I am so sick of failing. I often worry that having faith is a waste of time. Sadly, I’ve learned to not trust myself. Even when I want to stop and make commitments to do so, I don’t trust a word I say.

All because of you.

In short, I sometimes just worry that you’ve won.
But ironically, the fact that I’m writing this proves you haven’t.
The Spirit is at work within me, pushing me to apply the gospel to every part of my sin-sick life. I will cling to Jesus now and in the hardest times, because He has clung onto me (John 10:28).

You see, the thing you’ve made me realize that I only have one hope.
I have felt the weight of your guilt for too long, and am now applying the gospel to every part of my heart.
1. I have been declared righteous before the Father because of the faith I have in Christ. This faith unites me to Him in His death, therefore I am dead to the old me and no longer need to walk in those ways.
2. My lawless deeds have all been forgiven and the Lord does not count my sin (Romans 4:7-8).
3. The perfection of Jesus is given to me. Therefore, I am holy and not defiled as you so often try to tell me I am
4. I am not worthless because of my sin. Similarly, I am not worth less because of my sin. In fact, I am a beloved son of God. He is my Father. Although I often feel abandoned, I am not. Although I often feel defeated, He is victorious. Although I often feel disgusted, He is forgiving.
5. Despite what you try to tell me, I am “chosen” by God. That means He handpicked me to fulfill an important part of His sovereign will. Likewise, I am holy (as mentioned above). That means I have been “set apart” from the world and am not to live in worldliness. Finally, I am beloved. That means that the King of the universe sings loudly over me and rejoices in me (Colossians 3:12, Zephaniah 3:17).

You have not won. You never will. If it were up to me, there would be no battle being fought and no war being waged. But because the Holy Spirit abides in me, this battle was inevitable. It’s time that you and I say our goodbyes and break any ties we once had. We are mortal enemies. One of us has to die. I’m here to say that it will not be me. I care too much about my soul and would rather lose anything, including you, than myself.