Letter to myself:
I remember when I discovered my sexuality and I remember having an urge to explore this new sensation that gave me a feeling I had never experienced. At a very young age, a darkness developed and I could not comprehend the path it would lead me down. Like a drug it almost consumed me right away and I couldn’t get enough. At first my own imagination did the trick; a smell or a glimpse gave me what I desired. It moved on to creeping and pushing boundaries that were well established. I fixated on the taboo and took every opportunity to quench my sexual thirst. I would take risks that would have had major consequences if I were to be caught, but that was part of the allure. Memories like tattoos stay with me and are incredibly surreal. They now feel like dreams, still feeling the moment but only seeing through adolescent eyes; always a secret between me and my addiction, always the first priority, always the greatest adventurous escape. My appetite was not learned, it was natural. I never had to figure out what I liked, because I liked almost everything I could get my hands on. First it was nudity in movies, which held me over until one night I discovered porn. I was at a friend’s house and I will never ever forget that night. It was late at night and we were watching American Pie 2 and there is a lesbian scene. I was entirely consumed and it didn’t stop there. My friend had also gotten access to some porn magazines (which I had never yet seen). This was the progression I had been waiting for. From then on I spent as much time alone with my computer as I could, but this was tough because my parents kept a close eye and at that point the internet was terribly slow. I would stay home from school specifically to spend my whole day looking at porn. First it was pictures and then came short video clips. Soon the pictures no longer did what I needed and I could spend hours downloading picture after picture searching for the perfect one to end on. Once I discovered videos, there was no turning back, porn was my ultimate idol. Being raised in a Christian family, I was taught about purity and ‘saving yourself for marriage’ but it was already too late. And it didn’t stop with just the pornography; at school I would look down girl’s shirts and up their skirts. I would try and find the girls who would make out with guys a lot and practice with them. I had become hypersexual. And I got a girlfriend who was also hypersexual and we indulged together. I would never tell her of my addiction, and she was the more experienced one of us so I let her lead and we spent most of our time together having oral sex. That’s all I wanted to do. We broke up and I continued my cycle into college where I eventually was introduced to sex. After I had sex the first time, I knew I wanted to have casual sex as often as I could. I went to a small Christian school so it took some work to find the girls who were in the same boat as me, but I found them. I did not date anyone in college because I was dating my addiction. I always had the worst shame but when I was partaking, I never felt more alive. When girls couldn’t match up to my standards, I would discard them like they were mine to have and throw away. I needed the hypersexual girls who I felt I could connect with on a level that could satisfy me. I knew how to lure them in and keep them coming back. I have always been careful which has prevented me from being exposed completely. I have never quit, only put on pause to run right back like a lost puppy. Since it has been my number one priority, I cannot imagine life any other way. My wife has absolutely no idea, she thinks I have had sex only a couple of times and fooled around with quite a few girls. I wanted to be honest but there was no way I was going to screw up my relationship in an effort to be completely honest when I had been hiding it so well for my whole life and from everyone already. She is NOT hypersexual, which posed problems for me. Before, I would have got bored and moved on, but this is my wife. Huge problems resulted and I blamed her and myself for allowing us to have such mediocre sex. She knew nothing else and I burdened her with my dissatisfaction. One result of my addiction I don’t know that I will ever be able to fully get over. I had a couple indiscretions early on in our marriage and was too sloppy. I vowed to not let my addiction ruin my marriage and to not take risks as I was. This lead to paying for my pleasure, but was not the same as I had experienced. Since I was paying and obviously the women were not there for the same satisfaction, I could not get off the same way I had before. But the fantasies in porn were not enough either. I wanted to live out my fantasies without the possibility of getting caught or hurting my family. This led to research on sex clubs and discretional sex websites for married people. I could never go through it though, always stopping before fully committing. There was something in me that knew that if I pursued a new relationship, that I would get washed away and completely destroy my marriage. This left me with the pay for pleasure and porn and guilt. I know what it would take to progress my addiction and I am not willing to let that happen. I want to be a dad and I want to be a husband and a Christian and I cannot do both. I am a person who is passionate and goes all in for what I believe and what I want. I know I will have to mourn my addiction because it is my favorite thing this world has to offer with nothing even close coming in second. I know I will miss it, and yearn for it when life gets hard, boring, or numb. I know that I will be tempted from social media, friends, celebrities, movies, and all culture to forget my rehabilitation and to give myself to consumption. My plan to overcome the greatest obstacle I will ever face is my only hope at a real life.
A: Continue to read, The Road Less Traveled with my wife
B: Pray and meditate daily
C: Put my family’s needs before my own
D: Give my all to this 30 day challenge and follow all of the steps
E: Be honest always no matter the consequences
F: Protect my heart and my mind to purify my spirit
G: Do not allow myself to wander when bored, but fill my time with positive reinforcement
H: Pursue after God the same way I pursued my addiction. God is more fulfilling than the peak of my pleasure addiction.
Letter from my sex addict:
Hey man, it’s your best friend. Why do you want to quit me, I’m not thaat bad. You know you can control me and not take it too far, you know your limits! Even if we might need to have a chat about that, I know you want to be satisfied. We’ve been doing it your whole life, why stop now?! I know you love you wife, but do you really want to have the same sex for the rest of your life? Haha I already know the answer. So you are sticking with the fantasies huh, and you think it’s not worth the cost?.. I’m telling you, you have no idea what’s out there, you are gonna find your thing and then you can live the double life you want and be happy all around and no one has to know. Remake that profile, all the ladies love X and you know they won’t be able to get enough. Or stick with porn, that’s cool I don’t really know why you get ashamed, it’s totally natural! Sexuality is the most natural thing there is. There is so much left you have yet to try and no one has to know! Listen, you want to take a break, that’s fine by me but don’t talk anymore about quitting, okay? Because you know I’m the only one who has always had your back and gotten you through all of your hard times. What am I saying, you are chained to me anyway haha but if we gotta be together for life, might as well enjoy it right? Anyway, I know you’ll be thinking about me shortly and you have the best taste so I’ll be waiting. I don’t care where you are or what you are doing; I’ll come if you don’t seek me out first. The harder you fight it, the harder I’m gonna pull on that chain.
xoxo you know who 😉