Letter to myself:
Dear addicted self,
I remember the first time vividly when you heard about masterbation. It was right outside your front door just down the street. You were nearly twelve then. Your neighbor and supposed friend laughed at you for your ignorance. Mocked you for your youth. Then proceeded to give you the gift which has since slowly eaten your soul and removed you from any hope of true sanctification and righteousness. You started small. Simple pictures on google and your own imagination. When you learned about videos from the very boy who educated you first you quickly advanced. No longer were girls friends they were merely objects. It didn’t help most of your friends too lived within the same sin you did and were not of the same Christian faith. You fell into it deeply and soon thought became action and you sought intensely pleasure off line. Even through high school and college you belittled every relationship you were in by your uncontrollable sexual desires. You grew more selfish and ironically more self conscious with each passing day. Yeah I put you in your place a few times. Yeah I denied you what you wanted for a few days or weeks, but you always came back. You’re reason was ridiculous. You thought you could hide your sin from God. You thought you could simply do it and then receive forgiveness directly after. You thought you could trick God into thinking you were better but for eleven years He knew exactly when and where you were gonna show up again. It is foolish to think you can hide from God. Foolish you think you can experience any growth or even any lasting truthful relationship. You can simply hide in the nights, showers, empty houses anymore and think your actions will not effect any other part of your life. Your actions are in fact catalysts for greater sin, greater separation from your loved ones, and worse greater separation from God. It is ignorant to think you can get away with it. That you can just do this every once in a while and it won’t effect those around you. Sin is death and death wreaks. When you live within it you began to smell and soon others can smell it too.
Truth is I hate you. The sicker truth is you hate yourself. I know that because each time you come around its the only feeling left after you’re done. When you leave, all that is left is shame, sadness, and fear. That might be the worst part. You leave behind fear. Fear that I will never be accepted. I will always be inferior. I will never be loved or capable of loving. You know what, screw you. I don’t want you to win any more. I don’t want you messing up my life anymore. I am going to win. God is going to win, he already did and now I am going to live within that victory.
I will find accountability so you cannot go on hiding in the shadows.
I will fervently, more than ever before, seek help from every source available.
I will, the moment you appear, denounce you in the name of Jesus Christ who by his power gives life and delivers all from sin and temptation.
I will be free, mark my words. You know the bible as well as I do. You know it speaks of true freedom in christ, on which you are no longer apart of my life. I WILL BE FREE.
Letter from my sex addict:
Dear freed self,
Do it. Please. The life I live is one of remorse. Each time I convince you to act I hear you in the back of my mind whisper. You speak of consequences. You speak of truth. And yet I can not stop myself. I am not bitter toward you for wanting to be free. I am in fact the opposite. I want freedom. I want death to myself. I want the love and experience of finding someone who can love us completely. I am ashamed. I am afraid. And most of all I am dead. But even I believe Christ can resurrect the dead. Listen, even though I am sin, even though I am flesh, and even though I am evil. I too desire peace. I too desire fulfillment. When you taste forgiveness and freedom I do too. Its a two way street. What you eat is sweeter than anything I have ever tasted and I would rather be addicted to that, then the moment of satisfaction I live in every few days. So deny me! Cast me out, but please above all else pursue righteousness and sanctification. For I too want to be free.