Letter to myself:
Dear Sex Addict,
I am writing to you because I am tired of you. Everything that you do puts me in so much guilt and shame that I cannot handle. Because of you I doubt everything about my life: will I ever have a wife and a family? will I ever find my passion? will I backslide and forsake God? I constantly stress about these things because I know you are always lurking behind me ready to pounce on any chance you get and for close to fifteen years you have succeeded. You are taking my God-given feeling and pleasures and perverting them. You are forcing me into a fantasy world that is only going to make me lose reality and ruin everything that the Lord has for me in my life. You are constantly dishonoring my God and causing me to doubt my relationship with Him. Because of you, I cannot read my Bible or pray because I think I am not going to be heard. He has turned a deaf ear to me because of my sin and I am suffering because of it. The worst part is that my feelings are so numb that it doesn’t even bother me. No tears have been shed over this and I wonder if I would rather spend more time with you than Jesus, my family, or my friends. I know the truth, you are destructive. Everything you say is a lie. You have the worst intentions for my life and you do not have my highest good in thought. Yet, still I run to you. Because of you I have lost sight of the future and when I look to the past I only think of all the times I have had an affair with you. This is all because I do not know how to live in the present. I get so caught up in the others that I forget that I am eternal being living in the now and what happens there will affect my eternity and maybe even others. I have lost all sense when it comes to consequences and I do not realize how much these choices now will affect me later. I want a family! I want to have passion in my life! I want to serve my God and be true and pure for Him! Jesus has given me life and I keep wasting it away. Forty years down the road, I do not want to be a man that Jesus looks at and weeps because I have forsaken Him. He deserves to have what He has paid for and I do not want to break His heart. As I write this I feel you talking to me. I hear you saying, “Do you think one soul will matter to Him” or “You don’t really mean these things. You are only saying them in the hope that this stupid exercise will work.” I hear you saying these things. The TRUTH is that Jesus has died for all! Not just 99% of everyone. Not just for 99% of sins. He willingly walked into death so that we might live and what better love than someone to die for His friends. He has called me His friend and that’s the TRUTH. As for this letter, you’re right. It is a little silly. But I must change you. I must redeem you. And I will do whatever it takes to get a hold on this before it gets too out of hand. I am holding on to hope. It is all I have. Jesus told me I was good enough for Him. I heard Him say it that night at SALT. He said I am good enough for Him. He said I was worthy. And that’s why Sex Addict I have decided to turn to Him instead of you. This is the end for you. I have pledged to be rid of you for 30 days starting today March 10, 2015. I know you are going to try and visit me in these 30 days and I pray that the Lord gives me strength to not let you in the door. That’s why I must take some practical steps to avoid inviting you in. I will not…
1. Watch Youtube throughout the 30 days. It is only a gateway for my lust.
2. Watch TV by myself. If I have free time I will read or worship.
3. Keep my Kindle or other electronic devices in my room.
4. Stay up past midnight. Unless I have homework, in which case I must be open to my accountability partners about the situation.
To combat these urges, I will also take some practical steps. I will…
1. Start and end the day with at least 15 minutes of prayer. Even if it is just sitting still and listening.
2. Talk openly with my brothers about the struggle. That means saying when I have the urge.
I know you are going to be with me during these thirty days whispering into my ear and doing what you can to make me fall. I know I will be unbelievably busy these next 30 days with school and the amount of people that are always wanting to hang out. I pray against you and the tricks you have in the name of Jesus. I pray that when I am dead tired and stressed out and looking for a quick fix to help my stress I sit down in my room and I cry out to Jesus to meet me and help me find joy that will fulfill my desires more than any computer screen or dirty thought. After this thirty days I know you will always follow me close behind. Watching my every step and looking for an opportunity for the rest of my life. But Jesus has said that I am no longer a slave to sin. I am no longer a slave to you when I turn to Him. So this is goodbye. You are no longer welcome in my life and my future family and in my brother’s lives. Go to hell.
Not yours truly anymore,
Zachary Toney, a redeemed servant of the One and Only God.
Letter from my sex addict:
I know you think this letter stuff is going to work, but it’s not. This is just like every other trick you have tried to pull on me. It works for a little while and then you come running back to me. Even if you make it through these 30 days, which you probably won’t, I’ll be right there waiting for you ready to ignite those synapses in your brain and to empty you of all your passion. You want to write stories? Nah, you don’t feel enough. You want to exercise more? Nah, you are already too busy. You want to have a girlfriend. Seriously? As long as I am around you might have one, but it’s not going to be good. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. It’s going to end just like any other relationship you’ve had. You’re not going to be able to treat her rightly because you are so entrenched in a fantasy world and then lose her like any other girl you’ve had because of porn. I’d like to tell you I could ruin your family too but I might not even have to worry about it because you are so wrapped up in guilt and shame. You’re doing all the work for me! Thanks dude. As for God, you don’t need Him. Think of all the times that I’ve been there for you. Whenever you need that quick fix, I’m there. Sure you feel bad in the morning, but what’s the big deal. We all do things we are not proud of! He said you’re forgiven so take advantage of it! If He is so loving He’s not going to forsake you. Don’t worry about it so much. It’s not as big of a deal as you think it is. I’ve got your back man. Always.