I wish it was easy to separate the tensions inside of me. I read Paul’s writing about his own tensions and that is where my mind goes. The good I want to do, I don’t. And the evil I don’t want to do, that’s what I wind up doing so often. That’s honest. That’s as honest as I’ve been thus far. I still do the evil things that I don’t want to do. The first words that come to mind? “It’s your fault!!!!” But, that’s not entirely true. In spite of the schizophrenic nature of my inner world I know that ultimately what allows you to do what you do is primarily my unwillingness to deal with you. I am afraid to speak of you and admit that you exist. Your evil is a real part of me. That’s scary. I don’t even like to think that something so evil and dark and defiled could still be a part of who I am. But the truth is, every time I enjoy victory for two days or a week, I pull back the curtain and you are still there. Damn you…. Damn you…. I am not going to lose this fight. I won’t. I just won’t. God help me….
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