Letter to myself:

You’ve been a prevalent force in my life for almost as long as I can remember, about 35 years, since I was a youngster? Yes, it’s been about that long, most of my entire life, and definitely all of the 15 years that I’ve been a Christian. I’ve always wondered why I’ve never had a healthy romantic relationship, why at 41 I’m not still not married to the Christian man I have long desired, why I’m a terrible friend a lot of the time, why I have trouble communicating with people and maintaining eye contact when I’m having a conversation with someone, why I have hurt people I love, why I don’t sleep well, why at times I hate the wonderful life God has blessed me with. I’m starting to realize that you’re the reason “why”. I’ve allowed you to be a prevalent force in my life for so long, I guess because the temporary feelings of pleasure you provide gives me temporary relief from the pain and loneliness I have felt for most of my life. I wish I knew Jesus on the level that I’ve known you and I wish I had turned to Jesus all of those times that I turned to you. When you first started influencing me as a kid, who knew that it would last 35 years and escalate into a horrible sex addiction. I guess you knew though. That was your purpose, right? To take me on a journey where the destination is destruction, where I would lose everything and everyone that God has blessed me with, along with myself and I must say, you almost succeeded because I was getting to the point where I didn’t feel as bad about what I was doing, I didn’t feel as shameful and guilty as I used to feel, I wasn’t feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit as much as I used to which means I was starting to accept you as being a normal part of my life. Oh how the enemy lives up to his moniker “The Great Deceiver.” You belong to him but I don’t. You are a strong force, for me to have allowed you to control me for 35 years but God is stronger. You have been prevalent in my life but God will prevail, I’m going to get to know Jesus on an even greater level than I’ve known you. You didn’t give me my life, God did, and I’m realizing your control over me is really a facade. It only exists because I allow it to exist, it isn’t real control and it stops today. Your influence and control over my life stops today. There’s a reason why I am still alive and my life overall is still intact. God hasn’t given up me, so I’m not going to give up on myself and I’m not going give in to you anymore. He has great things in store for me, and I’m not going to let you mess that up for me. It stops today.

Letter from my sex addict:

I hear what you are saying but you can’t leave me because you need me. I’ve been in your life for so long, you said it yourself, for 35 YEARS!!! That’s pretty much your whole life!! What are you going to do without me? I comfort you when you have a bad day at work, I make you feel better when you’re feeling lonely and depressed about being rejected by men you’re interested in romantically who don’t reciprocate that interest. I provide an environment for you to escape the reality that you said yourself you hate so much at times. Yes its only temporary escape but the great thing about me is that I’m always available for you. Isn’t that what you want most? Isn’t that why you haven’t been able to stop coming back to me for 35 years? Isn’t that why you left me for 2 years and then started coming back again? You talk the talk but I don’t see you being able to walk the walk. History CONTINUES to repeat itself with you. You are very predictable with this, so while you say, it stops today, you and I both know otherwise.