Letter to myself:
I don’t know what to say to you that hasn’t already been said. However, this time… we are going to say them. The voice within you, the voice of who you are is going to speak, We drank poison at age 13. At first, it felt good. It felt right, It felt normal. Until, you realized a year later… you were the only peer watching porn continuously. Sure, the other kids laughed and played and joked, but you knew this newfound interest was deeper than that. Dirtier. Ensnaring. We drank poison at 13 and after awhile, we built a tolerance. High after high after high, at least, we weren’t in pain. At least here we were no longer hiding we were gay. At least here we were no longer hiding self hate. At least here, we were finally being /known/. Cheyenne, poison became who we were. Sex. Sexuality. Addiction. Became who we were. But notice we say /were/. We have believed for so long that who we were was unloved, undefined, unknown, and unseen. We wanted to be heard, wanted, loved, healed, different… whole. We wanted to believe in ourself, accept who we were. However, we realized slowly with each year. With each accountability partner. With each conquered obstacle. With every no. With every open, honest, painfully truthful conversation. We have changed and we have confronted each lie. And here we are. Together. Cheyenne, God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit and every person placed in my life to love me and help me. On the last lie. At the very end of the root… why you chose pornography over Me, over /us/. Self-image and Sexuality. Both tied together at a time. And both becoming undone together. Though you know gay is not who you are… even more so, sexuality is not who you are and the skin you are in is the skin you were and are meant to love. So, here’s to change. Here’s to our next 30 days. And, here’s a few things we are going to try and do for the next 30 days:
-Write, openly and honestly.
– Share transparently about how I view myself almost every day.
– Sing more often.
– Write songs.
– Play guitar.
– Be swooned by the One who truly knows you best.
– Spend time with Him daily.
– Thank Him constantly.
– Repeat daily truths about yourself.
– And live each second, thankful that the lie that pornography has become you is NO LONGER true!
Signed no longer an addict but a free man,
Cheyenne Q. McAdoo
Letter from my sex addict:
Dear forever and always addicted Cheyenne,
You thought you knew me, until you realized just how much you already were me. Do you actually think you are going to become someone without me? I’ve taken care of you for nearly 7 years. Where do you think you are going now? We both know God can’t save you. Good luck with your faith, because you have had that since sixteen. Where are you now? Where did your pastor once preach you should be if have had a relationship with Jesus for five years? Come on, you know what he said. There’s something wrong with you. There’s something wrong with your faith. There’s something not right. You’re looking for answers, but all you are going to ever fucking, goddamn get is /shit/. Because, that’s who I am. That’s who you are. Gluttonous. Greedy. Selfish. Ruled by emotion. And damned. Forever damned. You take me in, just like a Sunday Roast, knowing I’m good and that you’re going to consume until your fed up with yourself. This is just another cycle. Another ‘fed up’ ride on the merry go round. You’re stupid for think you can live without me. And, you are goddamn right that you are in this alone. Once an addict, always an addict. And hey, let’s face it. Pornography isn’t really a drug anyways. You can treat it like an addiction. However, it’s not an addiction. I’m your life partner, and you are never ever /really/ going to embrace life /fully/ without me.
Bye for now but see you later, bitch,
Only yours. Always yours. Always mine.
Welcome to this life.