Letter to myself:
From the first time, you told me it was okay to watch porn you lied to me. You told me it was okay, and that it was cool, but then you told me another lie by telling me that I better not let anyone know that I am doing this. From the very beginning, you had control of me. You told me that I couldn’t escape you, because escaping meant telling someone, and telling someone meant shame and judgment. I let you control me. You told me that I had to live two lives. One that was shown to people, the one where I loved Jesus and was passionately. And the other life that was only lived in my bedroom, where I did the exact opposite. I believed you when you told me that I was the only girl that was struggling with this. I no longer believe you lies. You no longer have control of me, or my ONE life. I want to say that you are dead, but I remember that you are me, and while this part of me is finished, you will always be with me. You will be there when I am alone in my dorm room, you will be there when I am home, you will be there when I am at work this summer, and while you will be there you will not have power, you will not have control. You will no longer be a secret, which I guard. I will talk about you. I will tell people that I have struggled with porn and masturbation. I will have open and completely honest conversations with people about you. You will not longer hide; you will be out in the open.
With this said, I feel it is important to remember why you were created in the first place. When you first looked at porn it was out of curiosity, you were just looking because you saw it at a relative’s house for a split second. And from there, you turned into something much bigger. You were exposed to so much, and you told me that I couldn’t let anyone find out. Then you started to consume my life. I let you in because I did not feel loved by my peers; I let you in because I was looking for love in the wrong places. The next thing I knew you were consuming life. As some would say I had a heart problem. I was okay with lying if that meant that people did not find out about you. Those lies, started turning into lies that had nothing to do with you. You turned my heart cold. I no longer cared about who I lied to, and what I lied about. I could not stop thinking about you. I let you control me for 6 years. I gave you control of my life. I told you time and time again that I was done and that I would not do it again, but I lied to you and myself. And now I sit here in my dorm room, after just confessing what I have done to quite a few people. Today you have lost your power. Today you came into the light, today you showed your face to the world, it is today that Jesus gained control. It is today that my sin died, Jesus conquered you, and Jesus took you to the grave.
I will no longer believe your lies.
I am saved.
I am worthy of love.
I am loved.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am FREE.
Letter from my sex addict:
It has been so long since you have been free. How does it feel? To be free from me? I still remember the you before I consumed your life. You loved freely and judged no one. I hope you figure out how to do that again. I pray that I never find you here again. Please don’t think that this is over. Its not. I am going to fight to get you back. I am going to try and deceive you like I did in the beginning. I will tell you lies. I will always be here, waiting for you to have a bad day, for you to feel alone, for you to fall away from your walk with your Redeemer. You are free from my control. I have lost my grip, don’t give me a foothold. Go and live your life without me.